Now that everyone knows the details about my being pregnant, I just wanted to use this post to talk about my feelings a little bit, because I think sometimes they're hard for people to understand.
But FIRST I would like to let everyone know about this great blog I discovered. I found this blog by complete chance, reading other people's blogs, and following their links, and I spent easily over an hour today reading Que and Brittany's Adoption Journal.
I'm just blown away by their faith and the hope which Brittany's entries give to me, even when Matthew and I are no longer looking to adopt. Brittany is an excellent writer, and I feel like she was able to describe every feeling I've experienced over the last 4 years and a bit of being married and wanting to have children more than anything I can imagine. To me, their blog is the greatest example on how to go on living your life when it's kindof falling down in pieces around you.
And this is where I get to talking about my feelings. It's so hard to describe how I feel. I've already written a ton of things and deleted it all because I feel like it just doesn't sum anything up (and besides that, I was rambling and it was getting incoherent!)
Okay, here's the thing. I think a lot of people underestimate what going through infertility feels like. It's taken me a long time (and I mean a LONG time) to realize that the trial I'm experiencing has a purpose. I just didn't get it. I mean, why would Heavenly Father deny me the one thing I want more than anything else in the world? I realized in time that if it was something I did not want so dearly, then I might have given up. I strongly feel like Heavenly Father was teaching me humility and to rely on Him for my blessings. How could He have taught me that through any other lesser desire? It had to be something I would give anything for, and Matthew and I really did try everything possible to have kids, and still, in the end it was Heavenly Father's will, timing and blessing that won out. I know this more than I know what my own name is!
I am happy, incredibly so, but the happiness is constantly mingled with fear. Fear that I'll miscarry, that there will be something wrong, and that we'll have trouble having kids again when the chance comes around once more. It's very hard to let down the walls you've built to protect yourself from such pain, and for that reason, I almost feel like everyone else is more excited than I am! Perhaps I'm being melodramatic, and like how we have trouble giving up our favourite sins, I have trouble giving up my favourite wounds and woes. I'm going to go all metaphorical here, and compare it to a person being kept in darkness all their lives, and then finally stepping out into broad daylight in the middle of summer, and not being able to see and experience the beauty around them because they are momentarily blinded by the abrupt change in their situation. THERE! That's the closest I can come to explaining or justifying my feelings.
I'd like to post a video on here that is simply fantastic. Really, if you never get anything else out of my blog, watch the following video. It made me cry for sadness and also for joy at different parts, and I think if you've ever had trouble understanding the touchy emotions of a person experiencing infertility, this will help you a lot.
(video, "I Would Die For That")
Anyway, I'll wrap up this slightly random blog post by emphasizing how amazingly BLESSED Matthew and I are. I'm scared stiff, but it's amazing that it's already been 2 months since we found out. I thought time would drag, and it's flying so fast. I can't wait to have more to post about, and I really hope I didn't upset or insult anyone by posting my thoughts in this post. But then again, it's MY blog, so if you don't like my feelings...well...deal! Hahaha
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