Monday, October 26, 2009

Can I let off some steam for a minute?

Alright. This post is going to seem completely random and "where in the world did that downer come from?!" but I just want to write about it a bit. Because when I wrote about what it's like being pregnant the other day, I missed some things.

I'll give a bit of a precursor to this post first though.

A few months ago I discovered the beauty of blogs written by people experiencing infertility and going through adoption and the like. Unfortunately for me, I discovered this after I found out I was pregnant. Why should that be unfortunate? Because my life would have been a whole lot happier, or maybe just easier, if I'd found these things *before* I was pregnant. They'd have helped me to realize I wasn't so alone in how I was feeling and it'd have given me some different perspectives on how to deal with my struggles.

You may think, "I don't know why she bothers reading them now, because she's pregnant," and that's the whole theme of my post today. Why bother reading these things? Why, when I'm nearly 7 months pregnant and everything is going really well, would I want to sit down and cry when I read their posts and remember so clearly what it felt like to be going through that?

I think the answer is that, I feel like I'm still going through it. Weird, I know.

Here's something rather frustrating though. I feel a little alienated. Like I don't fit in anywhere at all. I feel like I can't post comments on these blogs because I have what they want. I'm pregnant and healthy and life is beautiful right now and to post would be to shove it in their faces or to flaunt my blessing.

I also feel like I don't fit in with people who have never experienced infertility. Because they (in my mind, even if it might not be true) don't realize how much it's hurt these last 4 years to watch so many people have babies and to fight the urge to be envious or to despair, and to feel like I must not be good enough to be a mom. That there's something inherently wrong with me. I also feel like I don't fit in with this group because I'm still hurting from that pain. I'm scared - oh so scared - and I morbidly count down to every little milestone like when I'm unlikely to miscarry, to the next ultrasound proving there's still a heartbeat, to the point at which the baby is 'viable', to the point where they *could* be born and live without any major complications, etc etc. I feel like Fertile Frannies couldn't understand that. That they have every reason to expect things to go well, and that I have every reason to expect something to blow up in my face just when my hopes get too high.

The first little bit of being pregnant was the hardest. Only family knew, but it was enough for me. I didn't want to talk about it, because all I felt was fear and disbelief, while they were all ecstatic. I wasn't convinced something wouldn't go wrong, and I feared talking about it then, even the loving sympathy that I knew would be well-meant if anything *did* happen. The hushed tones, and so on. I still fear that in a way, but, let's be honest, there's no hiding the pregnancy now. I think I was not very graceful about my fears at times. In fact, I'm convinced I wasn't, because at one point Matt said to me, "You have to understand how they're feeling, and how and why they're all so excited and happy," to which I responded, "Why do I have to always understand how they're feeling, and no-one else HAS to understand how I'm feeling?" Again, I felt alienated.

So I read these blogs because I feel like here, at least, are people who can articulate what I'm feeling. Most of the time when I'm posting on here I'm posting happiness and excitement and milestones and the like, because I try to not complain. I don't even know if I'm complaining right now, and I do apologize if I am because I try hard not to, it's just that sometimes, when I'm sitting home alone during the day and have too much time to think, I just need to cry and have someone try to understand my feelings.

I AM happy. I AM excited. I can't believe how much I love this baby already and he hasn't even been born yet. I'm scared out of my mind at the idea of anything happening to him because of the love I have for him, but I've realized that it's unproductive to focus on my fears all the time, so I try to drown them out with posts about how well everything is going, perhaps to reassure myself that everything is normal. I try to act normal so that everything will BE normal. And normally babies are carried to full-term and are born healthy and strong. Every first star I see, and every time the clock is at 11:11, and every time I pray, I pray that my baby will be healthy and well and will continue to grow. (as an aside, does anyone else wish on stars and make a wish when the clock is 11:11? I feel a little childish, but I just can't help myself.)

I know I'm a bit of a blogging liar though. I'll confess it to you now. I didn't post about when I was feeling crampy and called the midwives crying and how they came over so that I could hear the heartbeat. I didn't post about when I was spotting a teeny bit and felt like I was going to puke I was so upset and I (again) called the midwives, only to realize later than it wasn't even coming from the right area for anything to be wrong. I didn't post about the horrible dream I had where I went into labour at 20 weeks and was so excited until I realized that the baby wouldn't be able to survive and that he was lost to me. Posting about these things makes them too real. So I continue on merrily, posting happy news that I figure people are more likely to want to read anyway.

And so you probably have the perception that I am perfectly, incandescently happy and that nothing is more natural and easy than my being pregnant. I guess I felt the need to post this because I want people to understand me a little when I'm hung up over seemingly unimportant things, or when I kinda shaft you and don't talk pregnancy very well at times, or when I'm inexplicably excited that I've reached the 30 week mark because the chance of having a normal baby spikes at that point (one more week!)

I probably seem like a bit of a yoyo. One moment I'm fine and another I'm not. I try to hide it (I know Matt sees it, but he's used to me. ) I'm sorry if I get over-sensitive about things or if I talk too much about being pregnant. It's just crazy Holly trying to sort out her disorganized mind where everything good, bad and ugly is concerned.

Please know that I am so very very happy and amazed and feeling very blessed, but that I'm also still rather scared and healing from the scars of trying to have kids and being thwarted on every side. I'm sure I'll get over myself eventually.

Oh, and just in case you're interested, here are some of the blogs I like to read (**edit - I deleted the blog links a couple years after-the-fact. Some were outdated, and some I've just...stopped liking. Call me disenchanted, if you will.**)

Well, would you believe that I feel better than I did at the start of my post? Often expressing my emotions only gets me more worked up and entrenched in the feelings I have, but not so today. Posting the blogs I read allowed me to step back and recognize the strength of others, and that I, too, have strength that I underestimate at times.

I'm grateful to have gone through what I have, and I like myself and the person I've become through the trials I've faced. I like to think I'm better at understanding others' pain because I've been there and it sucks. I *hope* that I've learned through my trials, anyway, because if I haven't, what was the point?

Anyway, I'm going to sign off of here and get out of my pyjamas, as it's almost lunch time.

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