Fears

Remember in highschool when people were big on random facts about themselves that apparently identified who you really are? When you were too young to really understand that a person is so much more than the random bits of how their personality is expressed?

I remember one of the things that people wanted to know was what your biggest fear was. And weren't the answers just ridiculous? Spiders, sharks, heights, public speaking, etc. Okay, so ridiculous might be a little unfair. I know that these fears are very real to some people. But then, sometimes people would say they were afraid of something simply because everyone had a fear, and they, therefore, had to as well. Kind of like how I always said I was Anglican simply because my parents were married in an Anglican building, and my first two siblings were christened or baptized Anglican as babies.

My fear was stairs with no backs to them. See what I means about ridiculous? But I still think someone grabbing your ankles through the stairs is way creepy.

So my point is that we thought we knew what our fears were. I have long since realized that there are bigger things to worry about than stairs with no backs to them.

Now, that being said, I can also remember a wise friend who once told me that a perfect man fears nothing. What is death by spider to someone who is confident that they will be resurrected again?

But most of us aren't perfect, or at least I know I certainly am not, so I have many fears that I feel are legit, or at least more legit than the invented fears of highschool. Sometimes I have a hard time not living by these fears, and letting them influence my happiness.

So what is this great fear of mine, that often rules my life and keeps me up at night? I'm sure it's the same as many of your fears. It's that I'll lose someone I love. And not just anyone. I fear that I'll lose Matthew and have to go on living without him by my side.

I'm sure there will be people who read this who think I'm completely pathetic, and I'll be the first to admit my dependence on my husband. I'd say I can't imagine life without him, but I can, and it scares me. Like, a lot. I try really hard to ignore my fears and remind myself that very few people have to experience the loss of a spouse. It's not common, and what's more, it's unproductive, living by such fear, when it affects life now and makes it anything less than completely happy.

So I tell myself these things, maintain my sanity, and cry when I have to be separated from Matt for even a night. Then I go and enjoy myself, come home the next day, and rejoice when I see Matt again and he gives me a big big hug.

But life is different now, and I have someone else to think about. It makes my fear...bigger.

Look at this little face.

I love him so much that it amazes me. I feel like for the first time I understand the concept of loving someone so much it hurts, because right alongside the love I have for him is the fear of losing him. Just when I think, "I love him so much and I can't believe he is mine," the thought crops up that he may not always be around and could I handle losing someone I love so much?

It's astonishing how debilitating fear can be. One thing that I have learned over the last couple weeks is how I need to let go of my fears and trust Heavenly Father. I don't know what the future holds. Maybe it DOES hold the loss of my beloved husband or son. But is that any reason to live now as if it will happen? No. Or at least, not entirely. I still tell Matthew I love him so often that I worry he'll get sick of hearing it, but he hasn't yet. I give him lots of hugs and kisses, and try to tell him all the time how much I appreciate him. I don't let us part in anger or frustration (most of the time...sometimes I'm pretty stubborn though. And when I am stubborn, I'm usually on my cell phone minutes later apologizing. Because it's usually my fault. Ha.)

But I'm trying oh so hard to live by faith and not fear, because I'm just plain sick and tired of being scared and paranoid. And you know what? I have been blessed with so many things to make me happy and rejoice, so I'm going to do just that.

Excuse me while I go feed my hungry little boy and spend some quiet time with my big boy.