First, may I just say that I love the term "frenemy?" It fits on so many levels, and we really don't have an equivalent for it anywhere else in the English language. It totally describes the love-hate relationship that everyone experiences at some point in their lives.
I've had frenemies before in my life. They come and they go. My most recent bestie/worstie (see? isn't "frenemy" easier?) is chocolate. Chocolate and I, we go way back.
***the view goes all blurry, and you are confronted with a 3-year-old Holly looking highly suspicious, alone in the quiet kitchen***
My first memory of chocolate goes back to the Caistor Centre days. My mom was putting my little brother down for his nap, and I was climbing on the counter, nabbing the bag of chocolate chips, and dumping them into a margarine container. I then hid, but I didn't eat the chocolate chips. Not yet, anyway. I waited, biding my time, until my mom put Justin down in his crib and left, closing the door behind her. I snuck into his room, crawled underneath his crib, and lay there, stuffing my face with chocolate and laughing into my hand as I heard them looking for me throughout the whole house, whispering my name, and completely avoiding my little brother's room for fear of waking him up.
Crafty, for a 3-year-old, huh?
I have memories of eating all the *good* Hallowe'en candy within 2 days of getting it, and of stealing my sibling's once mine was gone. Memories of sneaking a Big Turk from the treat cupboard with the cookbooks, sneaking off to the attic to eat it in peace and hiding, and discovering that it's only chocolate coated and therefore not worth my time, so I stuffed it somewhere up there and left it to rot. Memories of trying to steal a Skor bar from the local corner store and getting caught doing it (I don't think you've ever heard THAT one mom!) and still my penchant for chocolate was not quelled.
When I was 10 and visiting a friend in Pennsylvania in the summertime, my parents thought they'd surprise me by clearing out the attic and moving my bedroom up there (seriously, coolest bedroom ever.) When they went to go move my bed, countless wrappers that I had stuffed between the headboard and the wall fluttered to the ground, and finally, that age-old question of, "where did the lunch snacks go?" and, "who ate my chocolate bar???" were answered. It was I, the Chocolate Thief.
So many more chocolate memories. Starting my day off with a good chocolate bar, saying to wondering friends, "my body doesn't know what time it is, only my brain does. And my brain wants chocolate." Cookies from subway, malt balls for snacks.
When I was in highschool and visiting up north, I went to the corner store and wanted a chocolate bar, but couldn't decide between 3 kinds, so I got them all, figuring I'd eat them all eventually. I can't tell you how angry I was at my boyfriend who had told me how grossed out he was that I'd actually eat 3 chocolate bars, and that 1 wasn't enough (seriously, I felt like he was calling me fat to my face, and I was actually very thin.)
Yes, as I said, chocolate and I go way, way, WAY back.
A while ago I started joking that I was addicted to chocolate. Then, a year or two ago I started seriously considering that I was. Then, recently, I looked into it further, and have come to the realization that I most definitely AM addicted to chocolate. I show so many of the symptoms of having an addiction that there's really no doubt about it.
Here's the list of symptoms I show:
1) Tolerance - the need for more in order to have the desired effect (SO true. Chocolate bars rarely cut it now, and when I crave chocolate, I want REAL chocolate, like a rich, decadent cake.)
2) Withdrawal - umm, self-explanatory and most definitely present.
3) Difficulty cutting down - try the fact that I was having SOMEthing chocolate every single day. I couldn't remember the last time I'd gone ONE DAY without chocolate.
4) Extreme mood changes
5) Weight loss or gain - I'm sure I've gained weight for other reasons than simply eating chocolate, but it's definitely up there.
6) Secretiveness - Hahahahaha, yes, there have been times when I've been secretive. Like when I get chocolate and eat it all without ever telling Matthew. Or when I eat all the Werthers Chocolate in one sitting and then hide the wrappers in the laundry room garbage so Matthew doesn't see them all in the upstairs garbage and KNOW that I ate all that chocolate.
7) Lying - Oh, you mean making 8 cookies so I could have 4, and then convince Matthew that I only made 6, and therefore only ate 2???
8) Stealing - So I don't steal a whole lot these days, but if Matthew has something chocolate that he doesn't eat within a few days, it's gone.
9) Repeated unexplained outings, often with a sense of urgency - yes, but usually it's an explained outing in which I drag Matthew to multiple corner stores looking for the exact chocolate bar that I'm craving because nothing else will do.
So there. I'm sure there are funny stories that I'm missing, but I have to save what little shreds of self-respect I have left, and not share EVERYthing. Because I was already sharing a big one, 'fessing up about that Skor bar (and for the record, I was a kid at the time. Probably 8 or 9.)
Anyway, as you can see from my experiences, I am addicted to chocolate. It is my frenemy. I love it, because it tastes so good, and I hate it because it's bad for me. I love it because it makes me feel happy, and I hate it because it has me completely bound and dependent on it. I'm such an emotional eater, and lately I've noticed that whatever emotion I'm feeling, chocolate will always make it better.
Angry? Chocolate can help.
Sad? Let chocolate melt it all away.
Happy? Let's celebrate by eating chocolate!
Okay, so I lied. Not every emotion is made all the better with chocolate. Feelings of guilt and a deflated self-worth are made worse when I give in, and because "giving in" had been happening daily, I was feeling pretty crummy about myself.
So I've decided to swear myself off of chocolate. Not for good, but for a while. A long while. A YEAR while. Or, as I mentioned in my previous post, until I get pregnant again (which helps on days where a year sounds like a long time.) I honestly don't know what I'd prefer. I want to do this. I feel like I need to do it for my self-esteem, to prove to myself that I can, and to accomplish something. I'm not very good at the whole temperance and self-mastery thing, but I can change that, and I will.
It has been *HARD* so far. I've been about to give in so many times, but I don't for whatever reason, and I always feel good about myself, going to bed and knowing another day has passed and I still haven't caved. Now I have the momentum of 17 days behind me, and a month is feeling very attainable. And if I can do one month, then what's to stop me from doing 2?
Yes, I crave chocolate. Yes, I'm addicted, and yes we're long-time frenemies. But I CAN kick this. I WILL kick it. And you know what? I'm going to look great when it's all done. Not because I'll have lost weight (even though I hope to.) Not because my skin will clear up (seriously, at this age, it'd be a miracle,) and not because I'll have lost that feral glint in my eye that says the addiction is hitting me hard and I need chocolate STAT. No, I'll look good because I'll walk with a little more self-confidence. I'll have built my self-respect, and I'll have conquered something that was really hard to do. Because I'm awesome, and I can do hard things. Yes, it's going to be a good year.
So what is it that you crave? What are your frenemies? Do share, and make me feel a little more human and normal!
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