Am I Infertile?

This week, being National Infertility Awareness Week (at least in the United States...) I have seen a lot of blog posts about infertility. Resolve, an organization set to bring awareness of infertility to the world, has challenged all who know of them to write a blog post busting an infertility myth this week. I've been tempted to do so, but still don't quite know what I would write on.

Then, today I read another blog post. It was by a woman who had experienced infertility and had been blessed with a daughter and b/g twins. Here is an excerpt of what she wrote:

So now I’m a mom. Now what? Do you think I’m not infertile anymore? Do you think my infertility is behind me? Well, yes I am and no, it’s not. Once you’re an infertile, you’re always an infertile. Infertility changes you. It can take you to places that scare the hell out of you and also to places that are better than anything you’ve ever imagined.

I can completely empathize with this statement, but it leaves me completely confused at the same time. I guess because, in a very real way, the answer to the question, "Am I infertile?" is a big, resounding no! I was infertile, or rather, I experienced infertility. I would still call myself infertile, even though the problem was *technically* on Matthew's side, because, what difference does it make if another man could get me pregnant? No other man would/will, and I wouldn't want them to. It's always been our problem, not his problem, so yes, I'd have said I was infertile right alongside of him. We were a family that could not (without extreme measures) conceive a child.

And then we received miraculous blessings of healing from our eternal Father in Heaven. We were blessed that, according to our faith, the Lord's will and His timing, I would bear our biological children, and then, at the first possible opportunity to do so, I became pregnant with Elijah.

Was my infertility washed away in that instance?

Yes. I know it was.

But what does that mean of the feelings left behind? How do I now reconcile my feelings to my experiences? What does it mean for me, in light of what the quoted writer above said?

Let me reiterate:

Once you’re an infertile, you’re always an infertile. Infertility changes you. It can take you to places that scare the hell out of you and also to places that are better than anything you’ve ever imagined.

True, this woman was writing from the perspective of having children through IVF, and whether being a mother meant she was infertile or not. But what of the part I just quoted?

I don't believe that, "Once you're infertile, you're always infertile." However, in the vast majority of cases, that IS the case, and so the generalization is a fair one. Someone who says that has no idea about or belief in miraculous blessings of healing. And that's okay, not everyone knows of or believes in the Gospel at this point. But I do, and I know better. I know that Heavenly Father wiped away our tears and took away our sicknesses.

But what, then, should be the changes left behind by infertility? The ideal answer, obviously, would be that all the lessons I've learned from infertility stay behind. The ability to empathize with another's pain. The trust in God. The patience through an indefinite trial. I would think that they should ALL be things left behind.

But my question is, Does being healed mean that all of your feelings surrounding being infertile wash away? Does it mean you no longer worry about whether or not you will conceive? Whether or not your child will be biologically "normal?" Whether or not you will miscarry?

I can tell you that those feelings do not wash away in the blink of an eye. Being healed does not change your feelings, although I think a big part of it should. I think that I may still worry about miscarrying, or carrying a biologically normal baby, because those are trials that regular, normal people face. But I don't think I should ever start to worry that I won't conceive in the future, that we'll go through infertility again, because that would be to imply that Elijah was a fluke, and not a miracle. And I think, also, that if I receive a blessing while pregnant that this baby will be born healthy and well, I need to have faith in that, and not constantly worry about losing it.

Faith. That's what it all comes down to, isn't it? I still worry. I worry a lot! But when my mind starts down the worry-path, my task is to pull it back to what I know to be true. I know we were healed. I know I have Elijah and that he is a miracle. I know I received a blessing this pregnancy (on the night after I experienced the whole fiasco at the doctor's when she told me I'd miscarry) that said that this would be a healthy pregnancy and baby. I must always come back to these things. And sometimes that's not easy to do.

Because the blog post I quoted resonates with me. Infertility does not leave you. Worrying does not leave you. Fears, and doubts, and old hurts do not leave you. They are always there, serving as reminders, and as temptations to fall back into faithless, fearful ways, which are not Heavenly Father's ways. Heavenly Father would have me be happy and excited about the future.

So, to answer the original poster's questions of, "Do you think I’m not infertile anymore? Do you think my infertility is behind me?" I say that, no, I am not infertile anymore. And yet, at the same time, no my infertility is not behind me. It is always there, reminding me of all I feared, but also reminding me of the miracles and GOOD I experienced because of it. I just need to learn to wrap my mind around that good and cast aside those fears. I'm not "normal" and I never will be. But I'm grateful for that. It means I can be something more than normal, not less. Before, with infertility, I felt less than normal. Heavenly Father saw fit to raise me from that state, and place me in one that is not normal, but is even better, because I know. I know.

We were healed.

And that's all that really matters in the end.

17w0d

I don't have a lot of preamble this time, so I'll just jump into the update and see if any thoughts come to me afterwards. :)

How Far Along: 17w0d

Weight Gain: +1lb

Stretch Marks: Nothing new

Maternity Clothes: Mostly.

Symptoms: Sleepy, stuffy nose, joint pains, sciatic pain.

Sleep: Same as last week,pretty crummy, and bound to get worse. I toss and turn a lot at night, and feel guilty, but also grateful when Matt decides to sleep on the floor.

Best Moment of the Week: Feeling a good, bonafide punch this morning.

Movement: Becoming stronger and more frequent, although still completely unpredictable.

Food cravings: Milk, chocolate, cucumber with cheese.

Gender: No clue, sort of. (See below!)

What I Miss: Nothing comes to mind.

What I’m Looking Forward To: Being done school today. I have an exam this afternoon, and I find the "looks" really funny. I wonder how many people assume I'm just some university student who got knocked up by accident.

Milestones: None really, just week-by-week progression.

Emotions: Optimistic, excited.

So as I said, I'm finishing school today. Last university exam EVER! Or at least, in the foreseeable future. Until last night I thought it was a 9am exam, and then I looked it up and it said 2pm. Now I have this nervous feeling that I'm missing my exam right now, and that I'll show up at 2 and find out I was wrong all along. I read it 100 times though, and I'm pretty sure it's okay. I'd die if I did miss it though. It'd basically mean I don't pass the course and therefore don't graduate in June.

Also as mentioned above, I have no clue about the gender. It's weird though, because the reality is, I can picture both so clearly. I think about there being a little girl in my belly and feel sure that's what this baby is, that there could be nothing so natural as having a little girl. But...then I imagine this baby being a boy and I feel the same way. Well, most of the time I do. This exact moment I feel like it's a girl, but I know 90% of the time, this see-saw is what I'm feeling. That's it's both. It's enough to make me think I'm having twins, but I'm not (trust me, I've had 2 ultrasounds now!) And besides, if I WERE having twins and one was just hidden behind the other, they would be identical, not boy/girl, so thinking I'm having twins based on the fact that I feel like I'm having both is silly. (See me work our my logic there?)

Without further ado, here is my new 17w0d belly photo.

I feel like, compared to my photos as this point with Elijah, I'm carrying low, but that's probably just because I'm bigger this time. My belly here is comparable to my 24-26-week belly with Elijah, and I'm wondering if I'm ACTUALLY carrying lower, or if it's because the fundus hasn't reached the same height as it would have at 24-26 weeks. Time will tell I suppose!

And now, I have to study, clean, get dinner going, and (best of all!) look after Elijah. So enough lounging around on the computer as if I had all day!

Easter with the fam

Yesterday afternoon Matthew, Elijah and I went out to my dad's to visit some family. We couldn't stay long due to prior plans, but it was nice to get together with everyone, especially as (for once...) everyone was able to make it! I took some photos, so I'm going to post just a few of my favourites.

[caption id="attachment_647" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="My nephews, Preston and Ayden."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_646" align="aligncenter" width="200" caption="This one makes me so happy inside. My sweet Elijah and beloved Matthew."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_648" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="And one of the whole fam. That's the best 16-week photo I'm going to end up posting, as at this point (16w5d) I feel like I might as well wait until Wednesday and do a 17-week one instead."][/caption]

My dad did an Easter-egg hunt for the grandkids. It was cute, but I think Elijah is a little too young for it this year. He'll understand it a little better next year when he's 2 and a bit, rather than 15 months.

It was nice to see everyone though, especially my grand-dad who is visiting right now from England. It had been at least 2 months since I had seen everyone, when I was 7 weeks along and just telling them about being pregnant again, so of course I got a lot of comments about how huge I look. I know I do, but Matt thought it was funny to hear all of the stereotypical comments in the course of 1 minute, when we hadn't heard a single one so far in this pregnancy! I got everything from, "Either you're getting fat, or you're pregnant!" to, "Are you sure it's not twins?" I just laughed. Water off a duck's back, right?

Before I finish up, I have to post these last two photos. See, in a few weeks my brother-in-law, Rob, is getting married, and I wanted to test-drive Elijah's outfit for the wedding before the big day, and I thought, "What better time to dress him up than Easter Sunday?" So here's what he wore to church:

[caption id="attachment_649" align="aligncenter" width="200" caption="I hate that my lens has decided to stop working, and that I semi-missed this moment. Still, it's a pretty cute photo."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_650" align="aligncenter" width="200" caption="And this one just makes me melt. I love my boys."][/caption]

That's pretty much it for now. Just counting down the days to The Great Gender Reveal...I'm such a see-saw. Today I think it's a girl. I can't wait to know.

Aaaand now my little one is stirring. Gotta run!

Our Easter Sunday

Well, yesterday had all the makings of a good day, it didn't necessarily turn out that way, though. It was Stake Conference, which I was really excited about, but then it turned out to be impossible. In fact, I would say that for the first time EVER I wondered to myself, "Why did I even bother coming?" I know parents feel that way sometimes, or even often, but I had never felt like until yesterday. Elijah was really fussy and distracting, and then there was the fact that conference was a broadcast, and the girls/women sitting behind the pulpit were so rudely distracting that it upset me a lot. I would see them brush their hair, turn and talk to the person beside them, laugh about something, offer candy around. Apparently at one point someone even picked their nose, but I didn't see that. It was so upsetting though! They weren't distanced very far behind the speaker, so the speaker completely blended into the background, and what got my attention was the person moving the most on the screen, which usually was NOT the speaker.

So then I went to the RS room to just listen with Matthew, but there were a ton of really really noisy kids in there. They kept taking eachother's and Elijah's toys which ticked me off, and then Elijah almost got hurt so I picked him up and stormed out in a huff for the last 5 minutes of the meeting.

Then on the way home I cried about the family drama that surrounded getting together for Easter at my dad's that afternoon. I had a pretty good cry about it, but Matt helped me to have some perspective and charity and to stop being quite so mad about it. It's a long story I don't feel like going into. (ETA - less than 2 years later, and I've already forgotten about it, and only have fond memories of the visit...haha)

From there the day improved mostly, though. Yes, we had to wake Elijah up from his nap to go, but he was happy otherwise. We had a good time at my dad's, and then went to Matt's parent's for dinner and cake. All in all, the ending of the day turned out better than the unpromising morning.

Something of note that I should mention, this being my journal and all, is that yesterday Matt was released as the Stake Executive Secretary and advanced to the office of a High Priest. Next Sunday he'll be called in church as the 2nd counselor in the bishopric in our ward. It's a weird thing, really. It's strange that he'll be sitting at the front now, almost like it's kicking off that season of our lives.

Not much else to say other than that...and Elijah will be up any second from his nap. He started crying a little while ago, and stopped again. I'm not complaining about this almost 3-hour nap though. Those are rare treats, and I've enjoyed my quiet afternoon thoroughly!

16w1d, and other such nonsense.

16 weeks. That's starting to sound so very pregnant. I mean, I know it's not 20-, or even 30-something, but it's not 4 weeks either. It's certifiably pregnant. It feels like I'm approaching a really exciting time, and for that I'm thankful.

Before I forget to do it, here's my 16-week update:

How Far Along: 16w1d

Weight Gain: +1lb

Stretch Marks: Nothing new

Maternity Clothes: Mostly.

Symptoms: Sleepy (daily naps are a must,) stuffy nose, joint pains, sciatic pain.

Sleep: Pretty crummy, and bound to get worse. I toss and turn a lot at night, and feel guilty, but also grateful when Matt decides to sleep on the floor.

Best Moment of the Week: Getting the results of my IPS screening.

Movement: Becoming stronger and more frequent, although still completely unpredictable.

Food cravings: Milk, chocolate, cucumber with cheese, cream of potato bacon soup.

Gender: Today I'm leaning towards boy. Less than 3 weeks until I know!

What I Miss: Nothing comes to mind.

What I’m Looking Forward To: The entire next month of life.

Milestones: None really, just week-by-week progression.

Emotions: Complete yo-yo. Irritable. Bored. Cooped up. I think it has a lot to do with the weather...it's been so darn dreary this week, and COLD too! Where on earth did spring go?

So yeah, I got the results for the prenatal screening, and they're all good! Odds of Down Syndrome are less than 1 in 20,000, and the maternal serum something-or-other that screens for neural tube defects was negative, which means it's great as well. Hurrah! I think it was worth it to know that, especially as I never stressed about it to begin with, and was expecting the results to take 2 weeks, not 2 days.

I keep meaning to take a recent belly photo, but now it's night-time and Elijah is in bed. I take my photos in the bathroom and have to go through his room to do it so.....yeah. I'm pretty much just feeling lazy about it!

I'm so excited for the next month. Like, a month today kind of ends all of the excitement, but here's what I have to look forward to:

• my last exam (okay, so not excited, but definitely excited to be done AND get my mark...)


• Matthew's and my 6th wedding anniversary


• another mw appointment


• Kira's bridal shower


• Mother's Day! (I've been dropping not-so-subtle hints to Matthew, to help him remember this year)


• finding out the gender of this baby (highlight of my month I think...)


• a trip to Calgary with Tiffany to visit Julia


• Joel and Heidi coming for Rob and Kira's wedding


• Rob and Kira's wedding (which is one month today, thus finishing off the excitement)

Too much good stuff going on. And that's not even counting this coming Easter weekend! AND it's Stake Conference, which I love.

Anyway, that's pretty much it that's new with me. I've been keeping so busy lately with Elijah and stuff, and I don't have a lot of free time these days. It's nice, actually. I get cooped up, feel the need to get out of the house, and drive to Walmart and walk around with Elijah and Mom G. for an hour and a half. Or I don't feel like being home one morning so I grab hashbrowns at McDonald's and stop by Farrah's with an improptu breakfast and attempt at packing. I've been thinking lately about taking Elijah to the library, but I don't know if he's too young for it yet.

OH! Here's something vastly exciting to me. This year we bought season's passes to a safari-ish place in our area. They have animals, a playground, a big splash pad, and other fun things to do. We went last year and are excited to go again now that Elijah is walking. Also, Lindsay and Duncan and Dave and Farrah are getting them too, so it'll be fun to go with other people.

I think I need to wrap this up now. My joints are starting to ache and I can't find a good position to write this in. If I'm not feeling lazy tomorrow then I'll take and add a belly photo to this post. :)

Long time, no see!

Yes, yes, I know. It's been a long time. A Looooong time. Like, 7 months long time. I decided for a while that I just didn't want to blog anymore. Part of me is still totally fine being past it all. I think once I was pregnant with Elijah my blog really took off. It gave me something to write about, and it gave me a place to organize my thoughts. I liked that.

And then I had Elijah, and I just didn't have as much to say. I was either less obsessed with having a newborn than I was with being pregnant, or MORE so because I just didn't have the time or energy to blog. I just didn't feel like it. So that's the part of me that's fine with it being behind me.

But then, the other day I was reading through my old blog posts here, and I loved reading about when I was pregnant. It was so interesting to me (even if it's not to other people!) and it made me want to jump back on the blogging bandwagon again, at least for a short time. Because, you see, I'm pregnant again!

Most people who read this would already know that, and to be frank, I don't think anybody is even checking this blog anymore to see if I'm posting. If you are, it's okay to not comment. Really. Part of me even considered making this completely private so no-one could read it, and then I'd just get to keep it like a journal. I'm still contemplating it, as I'm a much faster typer than writer, and I find it easier to write out my thoughts here than on paper.

But anyway, I've decided to keep blogging at least while I'm pregnant, because I find it's a good record of my pregnancy experiences and emotions, which is really invaluable for me to look back on after-the-fact. I don't think I'll keep up the blog after I've had this baby, so really, yes, I'm converting this into a pregnancy blog. It doesn't have the same purpose anymore (which was to keep family and friends up to speed on Matthew's and my life together) but I'll probably still write about non-pregnancy things too.

One thing I've come across in my blog-reading-adventures is a weekly update on the pregnancy. I like the idea of it, even if I finding reading other people's a tad boring. I'm going to do it anyway, for my own sake, because I'm finding comparing myself now (at 15w3d) to when I was this far along with Elijah really interesting.

Because I have missed so many of the weeks since I found out, I'm going to do a long-ish one of the first 4-14 weeks below, and then proceed with a recent one. Again, if you're reading, you might find this boring. I'm doing this one for my own sake, so I don't forget little things of the first 14 weeks.



How Far Along: 4-14 weeks

Weight Gain: I lost 3 lb's due to "morning" sickness, and not wanting to eat anything, even though I never actually puked. I slowly gained the 3lb's back, so by this point I was the same weight as pre-pregnancy.

Stretch Marks: Nothing new

Maternity Clothes: I started wearing mat pants by week 5, I was just so bloated that my regular jeans were giving me tummy aches. By week 10 I started wearing the tops. And let me say I'm completely surprised no-one at school has commented on the belly yet. They've got to be curious.

Symptoms: Less tiredness until 13 weeks or so, and then the tiredness picked up again. Nausea which started to go away around weeks 10-11. Stuffy nose already (which does NOT bode well...) sore tummy and stomach muscles that are copping out on me a lot sooner. Sciatic pain already too, because my stomach has refused to hold its own weight.

Sleep: Started okay, but the joint pain has built up over the weeks.

Best Moment of the Week(s): Finding out this baby is NOT ectopic (long story), my u/s at 8 weeks, hearing the heart beat at home on the doppler by 10 weeks. Realizing I'm feeling movement already.

Movement: Started feeling little flutters around 13.5 weeks

Food cravings: Milk, croissants

Gender: At first I guessed girl. Then I guessed boy. Then I guessed human.

What I Miss: Nothing, being pregnant is such an amazing blessing.

What I'm Looking Forward To: Feeling stronger kicks, the gender scan in a few weeks, having a bigger belly.

Milestones: 12-weeks was a big deal to me, as the m/c rate drops then. Second trimester (13 weeks) was pretty huge too.

Emotions: Complete yo-yo. I've been pretty irritable (like, more than normal...) At times I would freak out that this baby just would not last (also, long story) and then felt like I wasn't pregnant at all. Sometimes I would panic that, I can barely handle having Elijah (IMO), so how on earth was I going to be able to handle TWO?! What was I thinking, wanting another baby?? Those feelings came and went for a while, and then tapered off the closer I got to 14 weeks.


So there! That's the first part of my pregnancy up until now. Now for the current update (which won't be as long.)

How Far Along: 15w3d

Weight Gain: +1lb (hoping for a steady, 1-lb-a-week, weight gain...)


Stretch Marks: Nothing new

Maternity Clothes: Pants, definitely yes. Tops, also yes, but I can wear a lot of my regular tops still, as they're empire waist-ed.

Symptoms: Sleepy sleepy sleepy. I take a nap almost every afternoon when Elijah sleeps. Appetite is still picky. Stuffy nose.

Sleep: Pretty crummy, and bound to get worse. Sciatic pain has kicked in in full force, and I toss and turn a lot.

Best Moment of the Week: Hitting 15 weeks??? Most of my best moments were non-pregnancy-related, like going to Cheeky Monkey's on Tuesday, although it was really nice to see a pregnant belly there and not be jealous.

Movement: Yup! It's still sporadic, but there.

Food cravings: Milk, chocolate, french fries, cucumber with cheese.


Gender: I can imagine either so clearly that I really have no guesses. Can't wait to find out though!


What I Miss: Nothing, being pregnant is such an amazing blessing.

What I'm Looking Forward To: Feeling stronger kicks, the gender scan in a few weeks, having a bigger belly.

Milestones: None really, just week-by-week progression.

Emotions: Pretty calm this week. Excited about everything, especially the month of May. I had a really busy week, which keeps me happy.


It's still so weird to me that I'm pregnant again. It was such a miracle to have been pregnant with Elijah, and I feel humbled to have been blessed again. In so many ways, though, I wish that it could be someone else this time, and that loved ones close to me could have the family they desire. I wish there was something I could do.

I decided this time that I wasn't going to worry as much as I did with Elijah. Sometimes my worries were so debilitating, and I found myself often just wishing he could be born so that I didn't have to worry anymore (which is silly, because then I just worried about SIDS.) I resolved that this time I would not worry and be excited about everything.

And then, right after I made that resolution, my doctor called me at 5w1d and said she thought my HCG levels were too low, and that I'd miscarry or have an ectopic pregnancy. I was devastated, to say the least. We went in that day for an ultrasound and all she could see was a gestational sac. The tech wouldn't even call it that, because she felt it could have been a cyst, and I might still have an ectopic pregnancy. I went to my doctor's office next and demanded to know the exact number and demanded repeat betas to see if my levels were rising sufficiently.

The doctor called us in then and sat us down. She showed us a chart that looked like this:

> 1 week       5-50

1-2 weeks     50-500

2-3 weeks     100-5,000

3-4 weeks     500-10,000

4-5 weeks     1,000-50,000

My number was 179 at 4w3d, and so she said that it should have fallen between 1,000 and 50,000. Sadness, terrible terrible sadness.

And then!

"Isn't that 4-5 weeks after ovulation and not 4-5 weeks pregnant???"

And I was right. See, if your HCG measures above 5 at any time, you are pregnant. Most people ovulate around 2 weeks into there cycle. It would then stand to reason that a woman who has not even ovulated yet (as in, between the 1-2 weeks pregnant range) should not have any ANY hcg in her blood, let alone levels between 50 and 500! So yeah, I corrected my doctor.

My level was 179 and should have been in either the 50-500 or 100-5,000 range, which it was. All the scare for nothing. We tested my levels again anyway, and they were 2770 and then 6122 2 days later, which was a more than appropriate increase. My doctor was still sceptical, but I think it was just her way of trying to cover her tracks in predicting this pregnancy is doomed. 

So, the first part of my pregnancy was off to a rocky start, and I've struggled with not worrying since. I think I'm easing up a fair bit now, and I can't wait to be further along and feel more assured. Will I ever feel totally assured though? The reality is, No. I won't. So in the meantime, I'm happy to be 15w3d. 

Anyway, Elijah is up from his nap now and I have cookies to make, so the other things I was going to say will have to wait until another time. :)

P.S. I've come to a decision. I'm going to use this blog as both a blog and a journal. The journal-y posts that I don't want the world to read I'll protect, so if you come across a protected post, don't take it personally.

Also, I've had another blog since December. It was anonymous and dealt mostly with infertility. I'm going to stop blogging there, but I'd like to copy some of those posts here. I'll back-date them, so it'll look like I've been posting since December, but they're from that blog. If you'd like to read them, you're more than welcome to. Like the journal-related posts, I'm going to protect the blog posts from the other blog that I'd rather not post here for all to see.

And now...

...for something completely different! Because, remember how I said that life is not all about pregnancy, and that pregnancy is just a part of life? Well, it's true. You wouldn't know it to read my blog, but I think about being pregnant very little. I'm busy, and preoccupied with other little thoughts, and I'm going to share some of them bullet-style. Because today, I'm loving bullets.

• First, my dad gets really annoyed by people starting sentences with , "And..." and "Because..." I tried explaining to him the emotional and stylistic impact of writing like that, but he just thinks it's sloppy. I love it though, so I continue on, merrily flouting the rules of the English language as if I never studied linguistics at all!


• Speaking of studying linguistics, today I had my last university course EVER! Wow, it feels so good. We didn't even have a lecture, which I wasn't expecting. We showed up, got some info on the exam, were given back our papers, and told to go home! Good times.


• Did I mention that I had a paper to write that I completely procrastinated on? Probably not. I've either been AWOL (is that an acronym? I know how to use it, but that's it.) or talking about infertility stuff. So, anyway, this paper. I started writing it the day before it was due. I miraculously whipped it together in 3 hours, citations and charts included, and felt I did a pretty great job of it. I couldn't tell though, it all depends on the style of the marker. I told myself today I'd be happy for a 75%. Anything lower and I'd be disappointed, because I KNEW it was better than that, but really I was hoping for an 80-something without feeling like I deserved it because I did it so last-second. In reality? 96%. She is my kind of teacher.


• The feeling of being done school is nigh unto indescribable. It's like my whole life just opened up ahead of me, with no other commitments, agendas, nothing, except living life, raising my littles, and loving my family. SO WEIRD. I'm all, stereotypical and stuff. I never realized how my mind never thought past school. It's like this time never really existed until now, and I suddenly feel very legitimately like a stay-at-home-mom. Which is funny because, what about that year from Elijah's birth to school starting this last January, where I really actually WAS a SAHM? But no, there was always a course here, a photography class there to consider. Things were incomplete. I wasn't completely and totally...here. I had things to do still, and now I don't. The photography courses just feel like some fun optional hobby-ish thing to do on the side of LIFE. Weird, weird, weird!


• Unrelated, but we booked our first babysitter for Friday night this week. I'm equal parts excited and anxious. I have to let go of the fact that no-one will take care of Elijah as well as me, and that he'll survive in spite of the sitter not knowing he's allowed to play with the tea towels, chew on the tempra container, and pull the laundry out of the hamper and roll in it. He'll be fine, and this needs to happen sooner rather than later because, once this next baby comes and Elijah is 2 or so, what if that's when he has a sitter for the first time, and he can't figure out why New Baby is coming along with Matt and I, but he's staying home with this stranger?


• Canada is in the throes of an unplanned election (gotta love those minority governments and the votes of non-confidence!) and I'm reminded once more how much I hate election signs. You could probably try to guess the reason why they bother me so much, but you wouldn't even come close to guessing my ridiculous reason. Which is that, I love "For Sale" signs, and find every house that is for sale 10 times cuter and more lovable than it would have been, had it not been for sale. And when I see campaign signs I get all excited thinking it's a "For Sale" sign, and then realize it's not at all, and I get really annoyed, because my hopes got up for nothing. And not only that, but they disguise the true "For Sale" signs, and I'm left rejoicing for the day after election day, when signs start to come down. Take that, Leanna Villela.


• Oh! I think Elijah might be saying, "mama" sort of. I hope so. I'm starting to get concerned.

I do think about pregnancy things sometimes, though. They get their own bullets.

• I listen to the heartbeat from time to time. It's so cool. I think I'll be laying off on it soon, though, because I'm 99% sure I've been feeling the baby move over the last few days. I know it's early, but I felt what I felt and knew what it was, although I was skepticcal until I googled it and found lots and lot of people feel their 2nd and subsequent babies as early as 12 weeks and beyond, soooo...yeah. That's why I'm only 99% sure, but still. I guess if it continues and grows stronger, then I'll be able to say 100%. I love it though.


• Instead of going home after my uber-short class today, I went maternity-clothes shopping. I bought a dress and cute leggings for my BIL's wedding next month, and I love it. And spent too much on it. And am not done buying shoes and a little shirt to go with it.


• 14 weeks tomorrow. Squeeeee!!!


• midwife appointment friday. Can't wait.


• 5 weeks tomorrow until I know if this baby is a he or a she. I'm equally divided between both.


• Much as I try to say that we'll have a list of names and pick from it when baby is born, I'm already narrowing down. A lot.


• I'm huge. Like, 24 weeks pregnant huge.

Anyway, I should wrap this up and get ready for bed. Regardless of when I go to bed, Elijah WILL be up at 7:15 tomorrow! Little sweetheart that he is.