And then I had Elijah, and I just didn't have as much to say. I was either less obsessed with having a newborn than I was with being pregnant, or MORE so because I just didn't have the time or energy to blog. I just didn't feel like it. So that's the part of me that's fine with it being behind me.
But then, the other day I was reading through my old blog posts here, and I loved reading about when I was pregnant. It was so interesting to me (even if it's not to other people!) and it made me want to jump back on the blogging bandwagon again, at least for a short time. Because, you see, I'm pregnant again!
Most people who read this would already know that, and to be frank, I don't think anybody is even checking this blog anymore to see if I'm posting. If you are, it's okay to not comment. Really. Part of me even considered making this completely private so no-one could read it, and then I'd just get to keep it like a journal. I'm still contemplating it, as I'm a much faster typer than writer, and I find it easier to write out my thoughts here than on paper.
But anyway, I've decided to keep blogging at least while I'm pregnant, because I find it's a good record of my pregnancy experiences and emotions, which is really invaluable for me to look back on after-the-fact. I don't think I'll keep up the blog after I've had this baby, so really, yes, I'm converting this into a pregnancy blog. It doesn't have the same purpose anymore (which was to keep family and friends up to speed on Matthew's and my life together) but I'll probably still write about non-pregnancy things too.
One thing I've come across in my blog-reading-adventures is a weekly update on the pregnancy. I like the idea of it, even if I finding reading other people's a tad boring. I'm going to do it anyway, for my own sake, because I'm finding comparing myself now (at 15w3d) to when I was this far along with Elijah really interesting.
Because I have missed so many of the weeks since I found out, I'm going to do a long-ish one of the first 4-14 weeks below, and then proceed with a recent one. Again, if you're reading, you might find this boring. I'm doing this one for my own sake, so I don't forget little things of the first 14 weeks.
How Far Along: 4-14 weeks
Weight Gain: I lost 3 lb's due to "morning" sickness, and not wanting to eat anything, even though I never actually puked. I slowly gained the 3lb's back, so by this point I was the same weight as pre-pregnancy.
Stretch Marks: Nothing new
Maternity Clothes: I started wearing mat pants by week 5, I was just so bloated that my regular jeans were giving me tummy aches. By week 10 I started wearing the tops. And let me say I'm completely surprised no-one at school has commented on the belly yet. They've got to be curious.
Symptoms: Less tiredness until 13 weeks or so, and then the tiredness picked up again. Nausea which started to go away around weeks 10-11. Stuffy nose already (which does NOT bode well...) sore tummy and stomach muscles that are copping out on me a lot sooner. Sciatic pain already too, because my stomach has refused to hold its own weight.
Sleep: Started okay, but the joint pain has built up over the weeks.
Best Moment of the Week(s): Finding out this baby is NOT ectopic (long story), my u/s at 8 weeks, hearing the heart beat at home on the doppler by 10 weeks. Realizing I'm feeling movement already.
Movement: Started feeling little flutters around 13.5 weeks
Food cravings: Milk, croissants
Gender: At first I guessed girl. Then I guessed boy. Then I guessed human.
What I Miss: Nothing, being pregnant is such an amazing blessing.
What I'm Looking Forward To: Feeling stronger kicks, the gender scan in a few weeks, having a bigger belly.
Milestones: 12-weeks was a big deal to me, as the m/c rate drops then. Second trimester (13 weeks) was pretty huge too.
Emotions: Complete yo-yo. I've been pretty irritable (like, more than normal...) At times I would freak out that this baby just would not last (also, long story) and then felt like I wasn't pregnant at all. Sometimes I would panic that, I can barely handle having Elijah (IMO), so how on earth was I going to be able to handle TWO?! What was I thinking, wanting another baby?? Those feelings came and went for a while, and then tapered off the closer I got to 14 weeks.
So there! That's the first part of my pregnancy up until now. Now for the current update (which won't be as long.)
How Far Along: 15w3d
Weight Gain: +1lb (hoping for a steady, 1-lb-a-week, weight gain...)
Stretch Marks: Nothing new
Maternity Clothes: Pants, definitely yes. Tops, also yes, but I can wear a lot of my regular tops still, as they're empire waist-ed.
Symptoms: Sleepy sleepy sleepy. I take a nap almost every afternoon when Elijah sleeps. Appetite is still picky. Stuffy nose.
Sleep: Pretty crummy, and bound to get worse. Sciatic pain has kicked in in full force, and I toss and turn a lot.
Best Moment of the Week: Hitting 15 weeks??? Most of my best moments were non-pregnancy-related, like going to Cheeky Monkey's on Tuesday, although it was really nice to see a pregnant belly there and not be jealous.
Movement: Yup! It's still sporadic, but there.
Food cravings: Milk, chocolate, french fries, cucumber with cheese.
Gender: I can imagine either so clearly that I really have no guesses. Can't wait to find out though!
What I Miss: Nothing, being pregnant is such an amazing blessing.
What I'm Looking Forward To: Feeling stronger kicks, the gender scan in a few weeks, having a bigger belly.
Milestones: None really, just week-by-week progression.
Emotions: Pretty calm this week. Excited about everything, especially the month of May. I had a really busy week, which keeps me happy.
It's still so weird to me that I'm pregnant again. It was such a miracle to have been pregnant with Elijah, and I feel humbled to have been blessed again. In so many ways, though, I wish that it could be someone else this time, and that loved ones close to me could have the family they desire. I wish there was something I could do.
I decided this time that I wasn't going to worry as much as I did with Elijah. Sometimes my worries were so debilitating, and I found myself often just wishing he could be born so that I didn't have to worry anymore (which is silly, because then I just worried about SIDS.) I resolved that this time I would not worry and be excited about everything.
And then, right after I made that resolution, my doctor called me at 5w1d and said she thought my HCG levels were too low, and that I'd miscarry or have an ectopic pregnancy. I was devastated, to say the least. We went in that day for an ultrasound and all she could see was a gestational sac. The tech wouldn't even call it that, because she felt it could have been a cyst, and I might still have an ectopic pregnancy. I went to my doctor's office next and demanded to know the exact number and demanded repeat betas to see if my levels were rising sufficiently.
The doctor called us in then and sat us down. She showed us a chart that looked like this:
> 1 week 5-50
1-2 weeks 50-500
2-3 weeks 100-5,000
3-4 weeks 500-10,000
4-5 weeks 1,000-50,000
My number was 179 at 4w3d, and so she said that it should have fallen between 1,000 and 50,000. Sadness, terrible terrible sadness.
And then!
"Isn't that 4-5 weeks after ovulation and not 4-5 weeks pregnant???"
And I was right. See, if your HCG measures above 5 at any time, you are pregnant. Most people ovulate around 2 weeks into there cycle. It would then stand to reason that a woman who has not even ovulated yet (as in, between the 1-2 weeks pregnant range) should not have any ANY hcg in her blood, let alone levels between 50 and 500! So yeah, I corrected my doctor.
My level was 179 and should have been in either the 50-500 or 100-5,000 range, which it was. All the scare for nothing. We tested my levels again anyway, and they were 2770 and then 6122 2 days later, which was a more than appropriate increase. My doctor was still sceptical, but I think it was just her way of trying to cover her tracks in predicting this pregnancy is doomed.
So, the first part of my pregnancy was off to a rocky start, and I've struggled with not worrying since. I think I'm easing up a fair bit now, and I can't wait to be further along and feel more assured. Will I ever feel totally assured though? The reality is, No. I won't. So in the meantime, I'm happy to be 15w3d.
Anyway, Elijah is up from his nap now and I have cookies to make, so the other things I was going to say will have to wait until another time. :)
P.S. I've come to a decision. I'm going to use this blog as both a blog and a journal. The journal-y posts that I don't want the world to read I'll protect, so if you come across a protected post, don't take it personally.
Also, I've had another blog since December. It was anonymous and dealt mostly with infertility. I'm going to stop blogging there, but I'd like to copy some of those posts here. I'll back-date them, so it'll look like I've been posting since December, but they're from that blog. If you'd like to read them, you're more than welcome to. Like the journal-related posts, I'm going to protect the blog posts from the other blog that I'd rather not post here for all to see.
P.S. I've come to a decision. I'm going to use this blog as both a blog and a journal. The journal-y posts that I don't want the world to read I'll protect, so if you come across a protected post, don't take it personally.
Also, I've had another blog since December. It was anonymous and dealt mostly with infertility. I'm going to stop blogging there, but I'd like to copy some of those posts here. I'll back-date them, so it'll look like I've been posting since December, but they're from that blog. If you'd like to read them, you're more than welcome to. Like the journal-related posts, I'm going to protect the blog posts from the other blog that I'd rather not post here for all to see.
1 comment: