Rage, ultrasounds and photos

First, may I just say that I can't handle these hormones? I'm going insane. Like, rage-y insane. I'm SO frustrated because Abigail hasn't been sleeping well today. She had three 30-50 minute naps all day, and it seemed that she woke up just in time to interrupt me doing something. I feel like I haven't been able to get anything done without a crying baby in the background. THEN she refused to nap at 6pm, and was melting down at 7. I kept her occupied and as content as I could until bedtime at 8, and she went down without a fuss. But then! 9:15 rolls around and she starts fussing and grunting and sounding oh so awake. Like she just had a great nap and is ready to be up again. And just as I'm thinking about how frustrated I am, Matt lays down on the floor and starts going on and on about how tired he is. Read: "I'm going to bed, because I'm just so tired." Which made me SO angry! Why? Well, apart from the rage of hormones that I am right now, I had been wanting to do a couple things before bed, like this writing this post, and I can't very well do it with a baby. Also, if baby is awake then I have to be up with her. And I am so done with this day and her being up 24/7 that I want Matt to be the one to stay up with her, because I'm fighting this cold, and am so tired myself. But no, Matt starts on the, "I'm going to bed" charade, and I get to stay up. Awesome. So I got all mad and rage-y. Then I felt bad, and got up to apologize and snuggle on his lap, but just as I got up, Matt got up to get a kleenex, and I was left standing there feeling like a moron. I know it wasn't a big deal, and I probably didn't look like a moron, but I felt really embarrassed and even MORE rage-y. See what I mean about the hormones? I can feel them rocking me to the core but I feel helpless to do anything about it. To be perfectly honest, I worry that I have post-partum depression. Or some kind of something or other. I know that I need to be aware of it, and that my needs are important, and a healthy mommy is essential in order for Baby to be happy, blah blah BLAH. I KNOW that. But that doesn't mean I'm willing to address it right now. Because, to be frank, I want to nurse Abigail. I'm not ready to stop. I am not willing to stop just to go on anti-depression medication. I honestly think I will feel worse about myself, and that it will worsen whatever it is that I'm struggling with if I have to do that. My self-confidence is already almost at zero, and if I switch to formula just because I can't emotionally handle things then I will inevitably feel worse. If there was some other reason for nursing not working out, I think I'd have an easier time, but honestly, try to imagine not being able to nurse because you're not functioning emotionally. Can you imagine feeling like crap about it? Yeah. Me too.

Now, that being said, I AM functioning. I am. Things are good. I'm becoming a better and better mommy every day. I just don't understand these extreme swings of irrationality in the form of sudden rage, when one second before I felt lovey. It's like this knot of tension appears in my chest and demands to be released in the most verbal and door-slamming way possible. So there.

Anyway. That's my rant of the day. I'm sorry my blog is often negative and rant-y lately. I can't explain it much beyond the emotional struggles and annoyances I've been feeling lately. Believe it or not, in comparison to yesterday today has actually been a great day. I've been so so SO happy today. Which makes the sudden rage even more confusing and embarrassing. I wish I understood myself, I really do.

So I mentioned before that I'd write about Abigail's ultrasounds. The kidney one to check on the fluid levels (that were a little elevated at one point in utero) were normal, and they could see the bottom of her dimple, and that there were no skin cells there, and no connections to her spine from it. SO good. Unfortunately they didn't manage to see the bottom of her spine because she was moving too much, so we need to go back for another ultrasound. Also, when they were checking the kidneys they noticed that (and I'm going to butcher this here...) there was some ovarian activity or some sort, that was suggestive of her ovulating. Apparently it's normal, or common enough, due to an increased amount of estrogen? I don't really know. The doctor wants to do a follow-up ultrasound to check on it, but Matt's question was,  "If it's normal, why do we need to follow up?" and that's how I feel too. Also, do we really need to see the bottom of her spine? We know she has full mobility, and that the dimple has a bottom. I did the bloodwork that checks for open neural tube defects, so I'm not worried about that. Should I go for this ultrasound? If they can't see it well enough on u/s then the doctor will want to send her for a MRI. I think that's going a little overboard. The midwives wouldn't have even inspected the dimple, and now she'll be going for her (3rd? 4th?) ultrasound in just 4 months of life. It's a lot to put a baby through, not even counting the possibility of an MRI and needing a general anesthetic.

So what I'm thinking is that I'll get the ped's office to fax the results to my family doctor who is looking after Abigail. She can go over it and we'll discuss it at Abby's 4-month appointment beginning of February, and decide whether or not all these ultrasounds are necessary. I think this pediatrician is nice and all, but I don't understand him half the time, mostly because of his accent and abrupt manner.

Anyway, this is getting long and I really am tired and really do want to go to bed, so to finish off, here are some photos from Elijah's birthday "party."

[caption id="attachment_1468" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Ohhh she makes my heart melt..."][/caption]

 

Loving the colour of those eyes

[caption id="attachment_1470" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="First "cheese" smile ever!"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1471" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="In the insanity that was yesterday I ran out of time to teach Elijah how to blow out candles. Oh well."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1473" align="aligncenter" width="199" caption="Nana (my MIL) helping Elijah put his new boots on"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1474" align="aligncenter" width="199" caption=""Check out my boots!!!""][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1472" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="I had to fight for this family photo. Matt was out of humour, Elijah was on the verge of a meltdown, and Abigail had a full poopy bum combined with that awful diaper rash, but I INSISTED on a photo! SO glad I did."][/caption]