How Far Along: 35w0d
Weight Gain: 21-22 lb’s
Maternity Clothes: Getting annoying. But at the same time, my non-maternity wardrobe is going to look awful on me when my cute belly goes from being, well, CUTE, to being a big ball of pudge.
Symptoms: Trouble breathing when laying down, stuffy nose, very very tired, achy back. Also, indigestion to the point where I had my first Tums ever last night, and they somehow reminded me of eating mints at my grandparents as a child. Matt is now convinced that the mints WERE Tums, and I am not sure if I disagree with him.
Sleep: Kind of difficult, as I get up 2-3 times to go pee, and after I lay down each time, I have trouble breathing for about 10 minutes. Also, getting up seems to wake up Baby Girl, so there's that to contend with too.
Best Moment of the Week: Probably getting my packages I ordered on Saturday It involved a new diaper bag, and some other little goodies, and it felt like Christmas!
Movement: Yep, and I've realized that I love hiccups, because they reassure me that she's still head-down.
Food cravings: None to speak of, really. My appetite has almost entirely disappeared over the last few days.
Gender: A girl!
What I Miss: Nothing really
What I’m Looking Forward To: September! I can't believe it's tomorrow, and I can't wait for the real countdown to begin.
Milestones: 35 weeks, with 35 days left! Also, 35 weeks is supposed to be a big milestone for lung maturity. 2 weeks until full-term feels pretty huge too.
Emotions: Very moody and feeling unprepared. I know we have everything we need, but it's still in boxes! We seriously need to move downstairs, but it is so completely out of our (okay, maybe MY) control, and I'm starting to get really frustrated.
Belly Photo: Hoping to take this later when Elijah's nap is done.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Ew ew ewww!
Back at 25 weeks when I had to go to L & D to be monitored, I was also experiencing these gross, rotten-egg tasting burps. I was so glad it went away quickly, but guess what? Yep, they're back.
And it's the GROSSEST THING EVER!
They smell like farts, so imagine that smelly gas coming out of your own mouth. It's awful, it's driving me insane, and I'm worried I'm going to have it until I deliver.
Here's why.
When I had that bout of it at 25 weeks, Baby Girl was head-up, and while we were camping, in the middle of the night she shoved upwards and caused a lot (and I mean A LOT) of stomach pain. I felt like I was going to be sick to my stomach.
When we got home from camping, I researched it a little, and it turns out that that gross odor is usually caused by a stomach that is emptying too slowly, and the food sitting in the stomach starts to rot. Which made sense, considering how she was wedged up there for the night...I wouldn't be surprised if she was closing off some food exit valve (don't I sound technical? ;) ) And then she flipped sideways, and then head-down, and it went away. So it all makes sense right?
Except, imagine my dread now, when Baby Girl is still head-down, and the sulphur burps are back (ps - apparently sulphur burps is a commonly accepted name for it.) If it really IS because she's that high, then I'm in trouble. I'm going to have this for another 6-8 weeks, and I really don't think I can handle that. I WILL cry.
It might sound trivial, but this is dreadful. Like, there is nothing that I eat that makes the burps taste any different, or come less frequently. In fact, the whole gas-in-my-stomach-from-rotting-food thing makes me need to burp WAY more often than I otherwise would, so I'm experiencing this quite frequently, and it's starting to make me nauseous.
So right now, I'm feeling kind of melancholy about it all. And I'm beating myself up for starting this pregnancy 20 lb's heavier than with Elijah, because I never had this with him, and I think it probably works along the same lines as acid reflux, where the more you weigh, the more prone you are to it, because you have all this extra tissue putting pressure on your organs.
Ugh. All I can say is EW. A hundred times, EW.
On the upside, I had a woman call me big and pregnant today! That might sound like sarcasm, but I was actually excited about it, because to me it's a sign that I'm nearing the end. Even OTHER people think I'm big and ready to go soon. I MUST be.
And here's a couple of the photos from today's Holly-WILL-take-photos-and-prove-to-Matt-that-she-needs-a-better-camera challenge:
[caption id="attachment_1002" align="aligncenter" width="199" caption="Those little boy hands. Still small and pudgy enough for a toddler!"]
[/caption]
[caption id="attachment_1003" align="aligncenter" width="199" caption="Munching proudly on his banana"]
[/caption]
[caption id="attachment_1004" align="aligncenter" width="199" caption="I love this little boy and his toothy grin SO much!"]
[/caption]
And on that note, I really have to finish this and work on getting ready for bed.
And it's the GROSSEST THING EVER!
They smell like farts, so imagine that smelly gas coming out of your own mouth. It's awful, it's driving me insane, and I'm worried I'm going to have it until I deliver.
Here's why.
When I had that bout of it at 25 weeks, Baby Girl was head-up, and while we were camping, in the middle of the night she shoved upwards and caused a lot (and I mean A LOT) of stomach pain. I felt like I was going to be sick to my stomach.
When we got home from camping, I researched it a little, and it turns out that that gross odor is usually caused by a stomach that is emptying too slowly, and the food sitting in the stomach starts to rot. Which made sense, considering how she was wedged up there for the night...I wouldn't be surprised if she was closing off some food exit valve (don't I sound technical? ;) ) And then she flipped sideways, and then head-down, and it went away. So it all makes sense right?
Except, imagine my dread now, when Baby Girl is still head-down, and the sulphur burps are back (ps - apparently sulphur burps is a commonly accepted name for it.) If it really IS because she's that high, then I'm in trouble. I'm going to have this for another 6-8 weeks, and I really don't think I can handle that. I WILL cry.
It might sound trivial, but this is dreadful. Like, there is nothing that I eat that makes the burps taste any different, or come less frequently. In fact, the whole gas-in-my-stomach-from-rotting-food thing makes me need to burp WAY more often than I otherwise would, so I'm experiencing this quite frequently, and it's starting to make me nauseous.
So right now, I'm feeling kind of melancholy about it all. And I'm beating myself up for starting this pregnancy 20 lb's heavier than with Elijah, because I never had this with him, and I think it probably works along the same lines as acid reflux, where the more you weigh, the more prone you are to it, because you have all this extra tissue putting pressure on your organs.
Ugh. All I can say is EW. A hundred times, EW.
On the upside, I had a woman call me big and pregnant today! That might sound like sarcasm, but I was actually excited about it, because to me it's a sign that I'm nearing the end. Even OTHER people think I'm big and ready to go soon. I MUST be.
And here's a couple of the photos from today's Holly-WILL-take-photos-and-prove-to-Matt-that-she-needs-a-better-camera challenge:
[caption id="attachment_1002" align="aligncenter" width="199" caption="Those little boy hands. Still small and pudgy enough for a toddler!"]
[/caption][caption id="attachment_1003" align="aligncenter" width="199" caption="Munching proudly on his banana"]
[/caption][caption id="attachment_1004" align="aligncenter" width="199" caption="I love this little boy and his toothy grin SO much!"]
[/caption]And on that note, I really have to finish this and work on getting ready for bed.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
I'm going to be perfectly honest here, I feel scared right now. It's ridiculous really, when you know the reason.
They're calling for thunderstorms, and with these thunderstorms, there is the possibility of a tornado (like, for the first time in...a LONG time there's a tornado watch for our area.)
So of course, I feel like the worst is going to happen.
Am I sure I want to go out tonight? Maybe we could sleep over at mom and dad's in their basement, because we don't have a basement, and if we had to run, would we get there in time? Is this my last day alive? What if my baby is never born?
I'm tormenting myself here, with these terrible and silly thoughts. The region with these warnings is huge. Why should I feel like I'm the one who will be targeted by a tornado?
And, when it comes down to it, what is death anyway? We're all going to be resurrected. Why should I feel so afraid to die, or to have those I love die? Am I so fearful because I feel like I would be damned if I died at this time? If so, then I'd be far happier repenting and having faith that I'm living righteously. And if not, then why am I so darn scared?
I'll be honest, I don't know where I stand right now. I'm trying to do better, I have been recently. I know I got pretty spiritually lazy for a while, but I've been trying to change that. I've been reading my scriptures every day, and the last couple days I've been making an effort to do so during the day, rather than right before bed. I called Jen to set up our visiting teaching last night. I say my prayers, and I mean them. We're planning on going to the temple on Friday.
I know, I know, it's like I'm checking the basics off of some eternal creator's checklist, and that's not how it works. Someone can be doing everything right, and still not be prepared to die, or prepared for the second coming.
I feel like I've been doing better on that head, too, though. I actually want to go visiting teaching. I feel mad at mom (like I always do) but I recognized today that I need to just forgive her and let it go, that it doesn't matter in the eternal scheme of things. I'm excited for my new calling (RS secretary, I haven't mentioned it here yet.) I'm anxious to be a better mother to Elijah, and managed to feel sorry for him and be nice and motherly when he was whining and screaming about nothing in particular, minutes after he woke me up from a 5-minute nap (that took a lot of self restraint, that one!)
I'm trying, I really am. I can feel that I'm not trying with 100% of me, but I feel like it's pretty close.
So why am I so afraid to die, or to have Matthew, Elijah or Abigail die? Is it just that my faith isn't perfect? What can I do more? What am I missing? Am I missing anything, or am I really, truly ready?
I admit, I started having these feelings after the mini earthquake yesterday. Apparently it was centred in Virginia, USA, and was 5.9, and we could feel it up here in Ontario. It was exciting to me, never having experienced an earthquake, but it scared me at the same time, and now I feel more than ever that I want and need to be ready, if the end is really as near as it seems at times.
Today I read in JS-Matthew, and I read about the home-owner, who, if he had have known when the thief would come, he would have been ready. I get that entirely. If I knew it'd be in a week, a month, a year, then I'd be ready, but not for the right reasons. I want and need to be ready now, with all the uncertainty of when and how.
One thought that I had was to pretend to myself that the second coming was going to be next week on such-and-such a date, and then live my life so that I'd be ready, would not feel ashamed, and would make the Savior pleased. Then, when that date came and went, I'd set another date. Hopefully it'd motivate me to do well, and it'd keep the reality of it more real to me, as if it were a reminder that it really WILL happen, and is not just fictional.
Anyway, I don't know how to finish this. I'd sum it up, but it's not even a long post! I'm just...trying to not be afraid of death, and trying to have faith, and actually remember that the Gospel is real, and that it is everything.
They're calling for thunderstorms, and with these thunderstorms, there is the possibility of a tornado (like, for the first time in...a LONG time there's a tornado watch for our area.)
So of course, I feel like the worst is going to happen.
Am I sure I want to go out tonight? Maybe we could sleep over at mom and dad's in their basement, because we don't have a basement, and if we had to run, would we get there in time? Is this my last day alive? What if my baby is never born?
I'm tormenting myself here, with these terrible and silly thoughts. The region with these warnings is huge. Why should I feel like I'm the one who will be targeted by a tornado?
And, when it comes down to it, what is death anyway? We're all going to be resurrected. Why should I feel so afraid to die, or to have those I love die? Am I so fearful because I feel like I would be damned if I died at this time? If so, then I'd be far happier repenting and having faith that I'm living righteously. And if not, then why am I so darn scared?
I'll be honest, I don't know where I stand right now. I'm trying to do better, I have been recently. I know I got pretty spiritually lazy for a while, but I've been trying to change that. I've been reading my scriptures every day, and the last couple days I've been making an effort to do so during the day, rather than right before bed. I called Jen to set up our visiting teaching last night. I say my prayers, and I mean them. We're planning on going to the temple on Friday.
I know, I know, it's like I'm checking the basics off of some eternal creator's checklist, and that's not how it works. Someone can be doing everything right, and still not be prepared to die, or prepared for the second coming.
I feel like I've been doing better on that head, too, though. I actually want to go visiting teaching. I feel mad at mom (like I always do) but I recognized today that I need to just forgive her and let it go, that it doesn't matter in the eternal scheme of things. I'm excited for my new calling (RS secretary, I haven't mentioned it here yet.) I'm anxious to be a better mother to Elijah, and managed to feel sorry for him and be nice and motherly when he was whining and screaming about nothing in particular, minutes after he woke me up from a 5-minute nap (that took a lot of self restraint, that one!)
I'm trying, I really am. I can feel that I'm not trying with 100% of me, but I feel like it's pretty close.
So why am I so afraid to die, or to have Matthew, Elijah or Abigail die? Is it just that my faith isn't perfect? What can I do more? What am I missing? Am I missing anything, or am I really, truly ready?
I admit, I started having these feelings after the mini earthquake yesterday. Apparently it was centred in Virginia, USA, and was 5.9, and we could feel it up here in Ontario. It was exciting to me, never having experienced an earthquake, but it scared me at the same time, and now I feel more than ever that I want and need to be ready, if the end is really as near as it seems at times.
Today I read in JS-Matthew, and I read about the home-owner, who, if he had have known when the thief would come, he would have been ready. I get that entirely. If I knew it'd be in a week, a month, a year, then I'd be ready, but not for the right reasons. I want and need to be ready now, with all the uncertainty of when and how.
One thought that I had was to pretend to myself that the second coming was going to be next week on such-and-such a date, and then live my life so that I'd be ready, would not feel ashamed, and would make the Savior pleased. Then, when that date came and went, I'd set another date. Hopefully it'd motivate me to do well, and it'd keep the reality of it more real to me, as if it were a reminder that it really WILL happen, and is not just fictional.
Anyway, I don't know how to finish this. I'd sum it up, but it's not even a long post! I'm just...trying to not be afraid of death, and trying to have faith, and actually remember that the Gospel is real, and that it is everything.
34w0d, and some randoms (updated)
How Far Along: 34w0d (!!!)
Weight Gain: About 20 lb’s
Maternity Clothes: Sometimes I think I understand what this question is asking, and other times, I feel confused. Today is a confused day.
Symptoms: Sore joints and random cramps, along with the usual - short of breath, tired easily, BH contractions.
Sleep: So-so. It'd be better if I didn't have to go pee so often, and if I just gave in and got up to go pee as soon as I needed to, rather than fighting it and tossing and turning for 30 minutes.
Best Moment of the Week: Going to the Mandarin on Monday evening was fantastic, as was finding out one of my besties is moving home from Calgary until her mat leave is over.
Movement: Yes, and she's been kicking my ribs lately, like how Elijah did. Hopefully it means she's still head-down and anterior!
Food cravings: Vegetables and dip, Magic Cookie Bars (Eagle Brand style)
Gender: A girl!
What I Miss: I can't really think of anything. I've been realizing lately how blessed I am. We've been given so much, we have a beautiful, growing family, my little girl is still cooking away, we're safe, healthy, even comfortable in our little apartment. Yes, I'm ready to be done being pregnant, but I still can't believe I'm the one experiencing it, and I am so grateful. (can you tell I'm in a good place today? Hahaha) I guess if I were to put one thing down that I miss, it'd be when Elijah used to pose for the camera. I loved that! Here's a couple examples:
[caption id="attachment_981" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="6 months old and camera-trained!"]
[/caption]
[caption id="attachment_982" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Seriously, look at this little ham."]
[/caption]
Now he's all into the coy, look-and-look-away glances OR he comes at the camera and tries to grab it. It makes getting a good photo really hard! So there. That's what I miss today.
What I’m Looking Forward To: My MW appointment Friday, spending some time with friends, going to the temple (maybe for the last time until this next baby is weaned???)
Milestones: None, but I think baby girl is almost 5 lb's now. Crazy!
Emotions: I've been doing better since the craziness died down as of Sunday. Nothing more is scheduled in terms of Matt and work, which is good, and I've been able to converse with people, and not just myself and a toddler who has a rather small receptive vocabulary! That's sure to keep me more stable and, well...sane.
Belly Photo: I haven't got to this yet today. I would have, but my camera died and the charger is at work until Matt gets home tonight.
**Edit** And here's the actual belly photo. Really, absolutely no difference since last week's.
So there's this camera I've been drooling over for a while now, and I'm working on convincing Matt to let me get it. The problem is, his biggest defense is that I don't even take photos with the entry-level one we have, so why would we spend over $1000 to upgrade? Good question, darn him. So I've resolved to take photos every day, and as long as I have one turn out, I'm happy. The one that turned out this morning is unfortunately stuck on the camera until this evening, but some of the ones I managed to get off before the battery died are passable too. Of course, they're mostly of Elijah, but what else am I going to take photos of?!
[caption id="attachment_983" align="aligncenter" width="199" caption="Okay, this is actually from my mum's the other day. It's blurry, but so cute! He was laughing at the fan blowing on him."]
[/caption]
[caption id="attachment_986" align="aligncenter" width="199" caption="Fly-swatter at the ready. Seconds later, my flowers were mutilated!"]
[/caption]
[caption id="attachment_987" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Proud of his handiwork."]
[/caption]
[caption id="attachment_985" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="The nicer of the two baskets, which I managed to salvage. I'm pretty proud of myself, because I've never taken care of flowers well enough to keep them alive through summer! ;)"]
[/caption]
Anyway, apart from that, the only other exciting thing going on was the earthquake yesterday. It wasn't a big deal here in Ontario, but it was the first one I have ever actually felt! I was excited, but it was kinda scary at the same time. I know it was almost nothing (where we felt it) but it made me able to imagine how scary a real earthquake might be. Those poor people in Japan.
It also got me thinking about my own readiness to die (seriously, I'm not trying to be morbid here!) and whether or not I'd be ready to account for myself, my life, etc, if I were to die at any time, or if the Savior were to appear right now.
Needless to say, the experience was enlightening.
And now, I'm going to go eat my Magic Cookie Bars and play with Elijah!
**edit** Aaaaand here's the photo that I WANTED to put up of Elijah and how cute he is.
[caption id="attachment_995" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Spitting image of Matt, except for his eyes. Love it!"]
[/caption]
Weight Gain: About 20 lb’s
Maternity Clothes: Sometimes I think I understand what this question is asking, and other times, I feel confused. Today is a confused day.
Symptoms: Sore joints and random cramps, along with the usual - short of breath, tired easily, BH contractions.
Sleep: So-so. It'd be better if I didn't have to go pee so often, and if I just gave in and got up to go pee as soon as I needed to, rather than fighting it and tossing and turning for 30 minutes.
Best Moment of the Week: Going to the Mandarin on Monday evening was fantastic, as was finding out one of my besties is moving home from Calgary until her mat leave is over.
Movement: Yes, and she's been kicking my ribs lately, like how Elijah did. Hopefully it means she's still head-down and anterior!
Food cravings: Vegetables and dip, Magic Cookie Bars (Eagle Brand style)
Gender: A girl!
What I Miss: I can't really think of anything. I've been realizing lately how blessed I am. We've been given so much, we have a beautiful, growing family, my little girl is still cooking away, we're safe, healthy, even comfortable in our little apartment. Yes, I'm ready to be done being pregnant, but I still can't believe I'm the one experiencing it, and I am so grateful. (can you tell I'm in a good place today? Hahaha) I guess if I were to put one thing down that I miss, it'd be when Elijah used to pose for the camera. I loved that! Here's a couple examples:
[caption id="attachment_981" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="6 months old and camera-trained!"]
[/caption][caption id="attachment_982" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Seriously, look at this little ham."]
[/caption]Now he's all into the coy, look-and-look-away glances OR he comes at the camera and tries to grab it. It makes getting a good photo really hard! So there. That's what I miss today.
What I’m Looking Forward To: My MW appointment Friday, spending some time with friends, going to the temple (maybe for the last time until this next baby is weaned???)
Milestones: None, but I think baby girl is almost 5 lb's now. Crazy!
Emotions: I've been doing better since the craziness died down as of Sunday. Nothing more is scheduled in terms of Matt and work, which is good, and I've been able to converse with people, and not just myself and a toddler who has a rather small receptive vocabulary! That's sure to keep me more stable and, well...sane.
Belly Photo: I haven't got to this yet today. I would have, but my camera died and the charger is at work until Matt gets home tonight.
**Edit** And here's the actual belly photo. Really, absolutely no difference since last week's.
So there's this camera I've been drooling over for a while now, and I'm working on convincing Matt to let me get it. The problem is, his biggest defense is that I don't even take photos with the entry-level one we have, so why would we spend over $1000 to upgrade? Good question, darn him. So I've resolved to take photos every day, and as long as I have one turn out, I'm happy. The one that turned out this morning is unfortunately stuck on the camera until this evening, but some of the ones I managed to get off before the battery died are passable too. Of course, they're mostly of Elijah, but what else am I going to take photos of?!
[caption id="attachment_983" align="aligncenter" width="199" caption="Okay, this is actually from my mum's the other day. It's blurry, but so cute! He was laughing at the fan blowing on him."]
[/caption][caption id="attachment_986" align="aligncenter" width="199" caption="Fly-swatter at the ready. Seconds later, my flowers were mutilated!"]
[/caption][caption id="attachment_987" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Proud of his handiwork."]
[/caption][caption id="attachment_985" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="The nicer of the two baskets, which I managed to salvage. I'm pretty proud of myself, because I've never taken care of flowers well enough to keep them alive through summer! ;)"]
[/caption]Anyway, apart from that, the only other exciting thing going on was the earthquake yesterday. It wasn't a big deal here in Ontario, but it was the first one I have ever actually felt! I was excited, but it was kinda scary at the same time. I know it was almost nothing (where we felt it) but it made me able to imagine how scary a real earthquake might be. Those poor people in Japan.
It also got me thinking about my own readiness to die (seriously, I'm not trying to be morbid here!) and whether or not I'd be ready to account for myself, my life, etc, if I were to die at any time, or if the Savior were to appear right now.
Needless to say, the experience was enlightening.
And now, I'm going to go eat my Magic Cookie Bars and play with Elijah!
**edit** Aaaaand here's the photo that I WANTED to put up of Elijah and how cute he is.
[caption id="attachment_995" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Spitting image of Matt, except for his eyes. Love it!"]
[/caption]
Monday, August 22, 2011
Some thoughts from yesterday
So, little secret here. I have fears. I know, I know, everyone has fears, but mine really trouble me at times. They get so debilitating, to the point where I cry my heart out when Matt goes away because I'm so afraid he won't come home. I really do have a hard time with this, and I try to tell myself that 99% of people who leave for the day, or weekend, return home alive! Poor Matt, right?
It's not just Matt, though. I was so worried about SIDS when Elijah was a little baby. Then, just after he hit a year, I read a blog where the writer expressed her sorrow for a family who'd lost a 15-monther to the later, childhood form of SIDS. Just when I thought I was in the clear! I worry about drivers t-boning my vehicle (especially since being side-swiped last April,) whooping cough, and random sicknesses that come and go, like H1N1, and C Difficile.
You'll notice that most of my fears centre on death. I don't know when I became so afraid of losing a loved one; I've wondered this before, many times. Does it have to do with my high school insecurity of always being the one who was dumped? Did it come about because of how much I love and depend on Matt, and that love has grown, so my fears have too? Was it because we knew this couple, and the husband died of a freak workplace accident just a few months after we were married?
Or, is it simply that, I'm consumed by fear because I'm not having enough faith?
Yesterday in Sunday School the teacher made a comment along the lines of this:
"Our Heavenly Father doesn't want us to be sad, fearful, and unhappy. He wants us to be happy, joyful, and excited about life. It's called the Plan of Happiness for a reason."
That doesn't seem like rocket-science, right? But sometimes I need the reminders of truths I know in my head, but haven't committed to my heart yet, and this was one of those times.
What I'm feeling, these fears I have, and the struggle to be optimistic each day, that's not what God wants for me. He wants so much for me to be happy, to trust him, to have faith in the Plan of Happiness/Salvation, to draw strength from the eternal existence of families, and to remember that, because Jesus Christ fulfilled the Atonement and was resurrected, I and all my loved ones will be too. He wants me to keep the commandments, endure to the end, and be resurrected to live eternally with those I love.
How often I lose sight of this! As it says in 1 John 4, "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment..." and in Doctrine and Covenants 50:41-42, "Fear not, little children, for you are mine, and I have overcome the world, and you are of them that my Father hath given me; and none of them that my Father hath given me shall be lost."
So I was thinking all of these things already, and then I noticed this article in July's Ensign about choosing to be happy. I could probably sit here and quote the whole thing, but here is the main part that stood out to me:
"Speaking to the Apostles in His final moments before Gethsemane, Jesus said, “In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). Elder Neal A. Maxwell explained: “The unimaginable agony of Gethsemane was about to descend upon Jesus; Judas’ betrayal was imminent. Then would come Jesus’ arrest and arraignment; the scattering of the Twelve like sheep; the awful scourging of the Savior; the unjust trial; the mob’s shrill cry for Barabbas instead of Jesus; and then the awful crucifixion on Calvary. What was there to be cheerful about? Just what Jesus said: He had overcome the world! The atonement was about to be a reality. The resurrection of all mankind was assured. Death was to be done away with—Satan had failed to stop the atonement.”
Christ’s enabling power helps us feel happiness and cheer amid mortal gloom and doom. Misfortune and hardship lose their tragedy when viewed through the lens of the Atonement. The process could be explained this way: The more we know the Savior, the longer our view becomes. The more we see His truths, the more we feel His joy."
I'm not doing a very good job explaining the feelings I had reading these things, but suffice it to say, it helped me so much. I'm going to make a greater effort to just...remember the Savior. So often I go throughout my day and simply forget everything but what is passing at the time. My mind is so far from the purpose of this life and the Plan of Salvation that I can draw no strength from it. I'm going to do better with that, starting today. :)
It's not just Matt, though. I was so worried about SIDS when Elijah was a little baby. Then, just after he hit a year, I read a blog where the writer expressed her sorrow for a family who'd lost a 15-monther to the later, childhood form of SIDS. Just when I thought I was in the clear! I worry about drivers t-boning my vehicle (especially since being side-swiped last April,) whooping cough, and random sicknesses that come and go, like H1N1, and C Difficile.
You'll notice that most of my fears centre on death. I don't know when I became so afraid of losing a loved one; I've wondered this before, many times. Does it have to do with my high school insecurity of always being the one who was dumped? Did it come about because of how much I love and depend on Matt, and that love has grown, so my fears have too? Was it because we knew this couple, and the husband died of a freak workplace accident just a few months after we were married?
Or, is it simply that, I'm consumed by fear because I'm not having enough faith?
Yesterday in Sunday School the teacher made a comment along the lines of this:
"Our Heavenly Father doesn't want us to be sad, fearful, and unhappy. He wants us to be happy, joyful, and excited about life. It's called the Plan of Happiness for a reason."
That doesn't seem like rocket-science, right? But sometimes I need the reminders of truths I know in my head, but haven't committed to my heart yet, and this was one of those times.
What I'm feeling, these fears I have, and the struggle to be optimistic each day, that's not what God wants for me. He wants so much for me to be happy, to trust him, to have faith in the Plan of Happiness/Salvation, to draw strength from the eternal existence of families, and to remember that, because Jesus Christ fulfilled the Atonement and was resurrected, I and all my loved ones will be too. He wants me to keep the commandments, endure to the end, and be resurrected to live eternally with those I love.
How often I lose sight of this! As it says in 1 John 4, "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment..." and in Doctrine and Covenants 50:41-42, "Fear not, little children, for you are mine, and I have overcome the world, and you are of them that my Father hath given me; and none of them that my Father hath given me shall be lost."
So I was thinking all of these things already, and then I noticed this article in July's Ensign about choosing to be happy. I could probably sit here and quote the whole thing, but here is the main part that stood out to me:
"Speaking to the Apostles in His final moments before Gethsemane, Jesus said, “In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world” (John 16:33). Elder Neal A. Maxwell explained: “The unimaginable agony of Gethsemane was about to descend upon Jesus; Judas’ betrayal was imminent. Then would come Jesus’ arrest and arraignment; the scattering of the Twelve like sheep; the awful scourging of the Savior; the unjust trial; the mob’s shrill cry for Barabbas instead of Jesus; and then the awful crucifixion on Calvary. What was there to be cheerful about? Just what Jesus said: He had overcome the world! The atonement was about to be a reality. The resurrection of all mankind was assured. Death was to be done away with—Satan had failed to stop the atonement.”
Christ’s enabling power helps us feel happiness and cheer amid mortal gloom and doom. Misfortune and hardship lose their tragedy when viewed through the lens of the Atonement. The process could be explained this way: The more we know the Savior, the longer our view becomes. The more we see His truths, the more we feel His joy."
I'm not doing a very good job explaining the feelings I had reading these things, but suffice it to say, it helped me so much. I'm going to make a greater effort to just...remember the Savior. So often I go throughout my day and simply forget everything but what is passing at the time. My mind is so far from the purpose of this life and the Plan of Salvation that I can draw no strength from it. I'm going to do better with that, starting today. :)
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Good times with Elijah
I feel like the last couple days have been crazy at times, but it's not going to seem like much on...screen.
Yesterday we thought we had a propane leak in the apartment, but we're 99% sure it just turned out to be Elijah playing with the controls on the BBQ, causing the last bit of gas in the pipes to leak out and waft into the room. Still, it meant vacating when I looked like a mess.
And then we got back, and I thought to myself, "Self, if you want to feel decent, you need to look decent!" so I went to put on some make-up. The problem is, our only mirror is on the back of the bathroom door, so the door needs to be closed, with Elijah either in or out, in order to use it.
I opted for leaving it open a few inches so I could still hear him. Mistake.
After a short period of quiet, I hear him coming, and I step back from the door because he likes to smack it open.
This time when it opened, two dusty, brown hand-prints were left on the white door. And there was Elijah, with this cheeky, proud, aren't-you-happy-to-see-me grin on his face.
And he was covered in cocoa powder.
I went to the kitchen, thinking, "please don't tell me he spilt it on the carpet...please, please please..." and he hadn't, but it was still a mess. I cleaned up the floor first, but meanwhile he was playing with toys and just...touching things with his dusty hands, and getting brown EVERYwhere! In his diaper. In his shoes. On my shirt. Ahh!
Eventually it was cleaned up, and it even managed to seem cute by the time lunchtime hit. Except for when he threw random hits because he wanted the (now empty) container of cocoa back.
Then today, I'm in the bathroom again, working on another coat of nail polish when I hear a thud from the kitchen. I pause, thinking, "is he hurt? He'll cry if he's hurt..." but no, he's just playing with something.
20 seconds later, I realize that he's playing with the juice container and lid. The one holding the apple juice. The one I had put in the fridge. And then (stupid stupid stupid!) had forgotten to keep inaccessible by latching the fridge back up.
So of course there was apple juice All. Over. The. Floor. And the fruit flies that we're trying to get rid of were going to town.
It was upsetting, mostly because it's really hard to repeatedly get down on my knees on the floor and scrub, but at the same time, it was the cutest thing ever.
See, I had grabbed paper towels to (unsuccessfully) wipe it all up with. So Elijah demonstrated some more of his skills by yanking open a child-lock (darn him!) grabbing napkins from under the sink, and wiping the floor too. Bless his heart! Then he went outside and wiped the deck. Then he came back and wiped my butt (which, admittedly was in the air, as I scrubbed on all fours.)
And after it all, when I'm still kneeling on the floor, he comes up behind me and gives my back and neck a cute little, I-can't-even-get-my-arms-to-span-your-back, year-and-a-half-year-old hug.
Oh yes, and the protein strike that has lasted for over a week now was demonstrated in full force at lunchtime today, when he licked every ounce of jam off of his PB and J toast, managing to not take in an ounce of anything else.
As an aside, why is there a fruit-fly dive-bombing my face? Oh gross, I just squished it against my nose. Please tell me that didn't just happen.
Anyway, Elijah is such a nut, and so much fun. I want to remember all of his cute little mannerisms and habits, like how as soon as we pull out his highchair, he runs off laughing and hides in the furthest place away that he can find. Or his cute little high-pitched voice that he uses for when he's snuggling a nice blanket or petting a little dog. How he grabs laundry out of the basket, tosses it on the floor, and buries himself in it, or how he tries to sweep the floor and vacuum for me. I love his broad shoulders and barrel chest, and how he looks like a body-builder from the back, with the perfect triangular frame, and how cute he looks when he's running around before his bath with no diaper on. He loves being naked, it's hilarious! He runs up to us, stops, and then slaps his belly proudly.
Oh, there's more, but I'm going to finish this up now, and get some (belated) lunch.
Yesterday we thought we had a propane leak in the apartment, but we're 99% sure it just turned out to be Elijah playing with the controls on the BBQ, causing the last bit of gas in the pipes to leak out and waft into the room. Still, it meant vacating when I looked like a mess.
And then we got back, and I thought to myself, "Self, if you want to feel decent, you need to look decent!" so I went to put on some make-up. The problem is, our only mirror is on the back of the bathroom door, so the door needs to be closed, with Elijah either in or out, in order to use it.
I opted for leaving it open a few inches so I could still hear him. Mistake.
After a short period of quiet, I hear him coming, and I step back from the door because he likes to smack it open.
This time when it opened, two dusty, brown hand-prints were left on the white door. And there was Elijah, with this cheeky, proud, aren't-you-happy-to-see-me grin on his face.
And he was covered in cocoa powder.
I went to the kitchen, thinking, "please don't tell me he spilt it on the carpet...please, please please..." and he hadn't, but it was still a mess. I cleaned up the floor first, but meanwhile he was playing with toys and just...touching things with his dusty hands, and getting brown EVERYwhere! In his diaper. In his shoes. On my shirt. Ahh!
Eventually it was cleaned up, and it even managed to seem cute by the time lunchtime hit. Except for when he threw random hits because he wanted the (now empty) container of cocoa back.
Then today, I'm in the bathroom again, working on another coat of nail polish when I hear a thud from the kitchen. I pause, thinking, "is he hurt? He'll cry if he's hurt..." but no, he's just playing with something.
20 seconds later, I realize that he's playing with the juice container and lid. The one holding the apple juice. The one I had put in the fridge. And then (stupid stupid stupid!) had forgotten to keep inaccessible by latching the fridge back up.
So of course there was apple juice All. Over. The. Floor. And the fruit flies that we're trying to get rid of were going to town.
It was upsetting, mostly because it's really hard to repeatedly get down on my knees on the floor and scrub, but at the same time, it was the cutest thing ever.
See, I had grabbed paper towels to (unsuccessfully) wipe it all up with. So Elijah demonstrated some more of his skills by yanking open a child-lock (darn him!) grabbing napkins from under the sink, and wiping the floor too. Bless his heart! Then he went outside and wiped the deck. Then he came back and wiped my butt (which, admittedly was in the air, as I scrubbed on all fours.)
And after it all, when I'm still kneeling on the floor, he comes up behind me and gives my back and neck a cute little, I-can't-even-get-my-arms-to-span-your-back, year-and-a-half-year-old hug.
Oh yes, and the protein strike that has lasted for over a week now was demonstrated in full force at lunchtime today, when he licked every ounce of jam off of his PB and J toast, managing to not take in an ounce of anything else.
As an aside, why is there a fruit-fly dive-bombing my face? Oh gross, I just squished it against my nose. Please tell me that didn't just happen.
Anyway, Elijah is such a nut, and so much fun. I want to remember all of his cute little mannerisms and habits, like how as soon as we pull out his highchair, he runs off laughing and hides in the furthest place away that he can find. Or his cute little high-pitched voice that he uses for when he's snuggling a nice blanket or petting a little dog. How he grabs laundry out of the basket, tosses it on the floor, and buries himself in it, or how he tries to sweep the floor and vacuum for me. I love his broad shoulders and barrel chest, and how he looks like a body-builder from the back, with the perfect triangular frame, and how cute he looks when he's running around before his bath with no diaper on. He loves being naked, it's hilarious! He runs up to us, stops, and then slaps his belly proudly.
Oh, there's more, but I'm going to finish this up now, and get some (belated) lunch.
Friday, August 19, 2011
Whining for $200, Alex
This post will be a whiner, I'm 99% sure. I don't know who to apologize to, because I'm quite sure no-one reads this blog, even though 3 random people all "liked" the same (2-month old) post a week ago. (By the way, if you're real people, sorry for not checking out your blog. But chances are, you're hackers who want to put viruses onto my computer, so, see ya!)
I just feel so very done with being pregnant. 33 weeks does not even sound that close to me. I know, logically, that I'm 6.5 weeks away from my due date, and THAT number sounds small and close, but 33 weeks just doesn't sound close enough.
I feel guilty for about 100 reasons. I feel guilty that I'm not enjoying this pregnancy as much as I enjoyed Elijah's, which is ironic to me, because I've actually been more emotionally stable and happier this time around than last time. But really, this pregnancy has been hard on my body in ways that Elijah's never was, and I'm just so ready to not be feeling all of these things anymore. My back hurts so much that I have trouble walking after I've been sleeping. Like, Matt patted my butt this morning (see? I wouldn't say such things if I thought people were reading!) and my back all but gave out and I fell sideways into the bed because I couldn't steady myself.
I also feel so guilty when it comes to Elijah. I sat down on the floor to play with him this morning, and within a minute he had discovered his juice was empty, so what did he do? He got up, ran to the fridge and opened the door. All before I could get onto my knees in an attempt to get there and stop a catastrophe from occurring. He doesn't get why I can't move around and chase after him, and why I get irrationally upset when he opens the fridge door. He has no idea that I pulled a muscle, rushing to get there in time, and that I'm not mad at him, I'm just in pain.
I feel guilty in advance for how stressed I'm going to be when this baby comes, and how it'll affect Elijah, AND this baby. I know there will be times this baby will be crying and I'll have to look after Elijah or something else first. I know Elijah will be confused as to why he can't play with the baby how he wants, and why I get upset when he takes toys that he doesn't understand are for the baby.
Anyway, things are just...stressful to me right now. It doesn't help in the least that Matt went away for the civic holiday weekend, went to LA for a couple days last week, and is inaccessible for today and tomorrow as well. Matt, who never goes away, is all of a sudden out of the picture for a week in one month, which happens to be the month when I'm feeling super pregnant and emotional, more than I have this entire pregnancy yet.
I know to some, a week (combined) doesn't seem like much, but for me, it's been awful. I mean, before the civic holiday hit, Matt had never so much as been away for the night since Elijah has been born. I just...don't know how to cope.
And then all these little things get to me. Farrah's away for the week, so I've had no-one to talk to. Carol left on Wednesday, so she's not just next door. Elijah decided to skip his nap yesterday. I'm feeling crampy probably twice a day now, although sometimes I think it's just a bad BH contraction. I'm not sleeping well so I'm always tired. I want to decorate and prepare for the baby but I can't. So what do I do? I keep buying more things! And then feel more guilt. Oh, and our new (to us) van? The hatch won't open! It's just another thing to do - go to the garage and get it fixed. Pray it doesn't happen again, especially when I have two babies, because there is no way that double stroller is coming out without the hatch opening.
Whine whine whine whine. I know I'm whining, and I do feel bad about it. I know there is so much about life that is good right now, so much I could and should be doing. I'm trying to do those things anyway, I've been keeping on top of the housework this week, and I've even been sewing. I just feel like each day is dragging, and why the heck is it not September yet?!
I really really really can't wait for September. Mostly, just for August to be behind us, I'll be totally honest. But I'm also so excited for autumn. I want Thanksgiving dinner in October, apple sauce, apple cider, leaves changing colour, the craft show, the Christmas countdown, the pumpkin patch where I want to take Elijah this year, Elijah dressing up for Hallowe'en, and, of course, our little baby girl. I feel like August has nothing to do with all of that, and I just want it gone.
And now, if you really ARE reading this, whoever you are, and you are thoroughly disgusted with me, please know that I am likewise feeling disgusted with myself. Putting this all down in writing has not helped, I feel like I've actually wasted time just doing it. So I'm going to finish this, and start working on a good, happy Elijah post that I was thinking of writing sometime in the next couple days. Mostly about how cute and funny he is, and all the little things I want to remember about when he was a baby.
I just feel so very done with being pregnant. 33 weeks does not even sound that close to me. I know, logically, that I'm 6.5 weeks away from my due date, and THAT number sounds small and close, but 33 weeks just doesn't sound close enough.
I feel guilty for about 100 reasons. I feel guilty that I'm not enjoying this pregnancy as much as I enjoyed Elijah's, which is ironic to me, because I've actually been more emotionally stable and happier this time around than last time. But really, this pregnancy has been hard on my body in ways that Elijah's never was, and I'm just so ready to not be feeling all of these things anymore. My back hurts so much that I have trouble walking after I've been sleeping. Like, Matt patted my butt this morning (see? I wouldn't say such things if I thought people were reading!) and my back all but gave out and I fell sideways into the bed because I couldn't steady myself.
I also feel so guilty when it comes to Elijah. I sat down on the floor to play with him this morning, and within a minute he had discovered his juice was empty, so what did he do? He got up, ran to the fridge and opened the door. All before I could get onto my knees in an attempt to get there and stop a catastrophe from occurring. He doesn't get why I can't move around and chase after him, and why I get irrationally upset when he opens the fridge door. He has no idea that I pulled a muscle, rushing to get there in time, and that I'm not mad at him, I'm just in pain.
I feel guilty in advance for how stressed I'm going to be when this baby comes, and how it'll affect Elijah, AND this baby. I know there will be times this baby will be crying and I'll have to look after Elijah or something else first. I know Elijah will be confused as to why he can't play with the baby how he wants, and why I get upset when he takes toys that he doesn't understand are for the baby.
Anyway, things are just...stressful to me right now. It doesn't help in the least that Matt went away for the civic holiday weekend, went to LA for a couple days last week, and is inaccessible for today and tomorrow as well. Matt, who never goes away, is all of a sudden out of the picture for a week in one month, which happens to be the month when I'm feeling super pregnant and emotional, more than I have this entire pregnancy yet.
I know to some, a week (combined) doesn't seem like much, but for me, it's been awful. I mean, before the civic holiday hit, Matt had never so much as been away for the night since Elijah has been born. I just...don't know how to cope.
And then all these little things get to me. Farrah's away for the week, so I've had no-one to talk to. Carol left on Wednesday, so she's not just next door. Elijah decided to skip his nap yesterday. I'm feeling crampy probably twice a day now, although sometimes I think it's just a bad BH contraction. I'm not sleeping well so I'm always tired. I want to decorate and prepare for the baby but I can't. So what do I do? I keep buying more things! And then feel more guilt. Oh, and our new (to us) van? The hatch won't open! It's just another thing to do - go to the garage and get it fixed. Pray it doesn't happen again, especially when I have two babies, because there is no way that double stroller is coming out without the hatch opening.
Whine whine whine whine. I know I'm whining, and I do feel bad about it. I know there is so much about life that is good right now, so much I could and should be doing. I'm trying to do those things anyway, I've been keeping on top of the housework this week, and I've even been sewing. I just feel like each day is dragging, and why the heck is it not September yet?!
I really really really can't wait for September. Mostly, just for August to be behind us, I'll be totally honest. But I'm also so excited for autumn. I want Thanksgiving dinner in October, apple sauce, apple cider, leaves changing colour, the craft show, the Christmas countdown, the pumpkin patch where I want to take Elijah this year, Elijah dressing up for Hallowe'en, and, of course, our little baby girl. I feel like August has nothing to do with all of that, and I just want it gone.
And now, if you really ARE reading this, whoever you are, and you are thoroughly disgusted with me, please know that I am likewise feeling disgusted with myself. Putting this all down in writing has not helped, I feel like I've actually wasted time just doing it. So I'm going to finish this, and start working on a good, happy Elijah post that I was thinking of writing sometime in the next couple days. Mostly about how cute and funny he is, and all the little things I want to remember about when he was a baby.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
33w0d
How Far Along: 33w0d
Weight Gain: 17 - 18 lb’s
Maternity Clothes: I've grown out of 4 maternity shirts! So I went and bought a couple new ones yesterday.
Symptoms: Stuffy nose, sore back if standing or walking too long.
Sleep: My back is killing me!!!!! That is all.
Best Moment of the Week: Hmm...I don't know. It's been a good week at times, and an awful week too. Matt was away Thursday and Friday, and Thursday was great and fine, but Friday was one of the worst days ever, for no particular reason. I just felt like I couldn't handle life, and wanted to curl up into a little ball, but couldn't because there's Elijah to think about. I'm afraid my mind turned off and I went int0 auto-pilot for half the day, just to get through. Oh, but on Thursday I went to Sephora with Tiffany and Julia and it was awesome. I spent a rather large amount of money, and I don't feel remotely guilty about it, as putting on my new make-up and feeling pretty was one of the only good things about Friday!
Movement: Yup, and I've noticed hiccups lately!
Food cravings: York Peppermint Patties
Gender: A girl!
What I Miss: Jogging
What I’m Looking Forward To: Saturday night, when all of Matt's August-crazy-busyness is all over. Also, getting my packages that I ordered. ***shhhhh*** Oh, and moving downstairs! Hopefully by the end of next week!
Milestones: None really, just inching closer and closer to the finish line. As of today there are less than 50 days until my due date! That's pretty exciting to me. Also, yesterday was 9 weeks until the latest possible eviction date (13 days overdue, which is what I went with Elijah.) Also, (and I know I say this often) but 33 weeks sounds so much more pregnant than 32.
Emotions: I was pretty clingy and sensitive over the weekend, after Matt was away. The littlest thing would set me off, and I felt...abandoned. I'm doing soooo much better now though, and am excited about stuff in general.
Belly Photo: Soooo I didn't take one last week, but it probably doesn't matter, as the one from this week doesn't seem too different, or too much bigger than the 30 week photo. Here it is:
I checked, and I'm not too different than how big I was with Elijah at this point. In fact, I'm either the same or bigger. So that's comforting to know!
I never did write another post talking about my MW appointment stuff, but I think all I wanted to mention was these cramps I've been having. I have them at least once a day, and they feel like how I remember contractions feeling, but I don't feel like my uterus is hard, and I can still feel Baby Girl kick while I'm having them. Also, I've been feeling them off and on for 6 weeks now, and obviously it hasn't led to labour. It sucks though! Sometimes they get really bad. There have been times when I can time them, where there is a distinct start, peak, and end to them, which was worrisome, if not for the other factors I mentioned.
So the tentative conclusion? There isn't one. Maybe my uterus is colicky or irritated, or maybe it really IS just muscle stretching pains. Who knows. All I know is, it's going to make it really hard to go overdue, because it's all ready hurting, I'll have a harder time determining if I have contractions, and I'm getting sick of being pregnant as it is.
**GASP** did I just say that?! It's true though. I love being pregnant, and "sick of being pregnant" is totally not the right way to say it, but I'm just getting to the "I'm done" point. Things are getting SO hard to do, especially over the last couple weeks. It's getting harder and harder to look after Elijah, and I'm tired a lot. I am starting to feel nesty but I can't do a thing about it until we move downstairs. Well, that's not true, but I'm doing all I can. I'm just...getting really excited for Baby Girl to be here, and really excited about labour and delivery (I know, sick right?) and done with summer and being warm and needing the fan blowing on me and blah blah blah. Gosh this smells of complaining. Am I complaining? Part of me feels like I am, and part of me feels like I'm just stating it like it is. I have a toddler, and a big belly. I live on the 2nd floor and have to do stairs often. Grocery shopping hurts. Standing in one place to do dishes or fold laundry hurts. That is life I guess!
And yet...and yet I am working really hard at enjoying all the little things. This time left alone with Elijah, this time feeling the baby kick inside of me, this excitement and anticipation, this time without a baby waking me up at night. All of it, it's so much fun! It's equal parts hard and awesome at the same time. How can that be?
Anyway, I should finish this, as Matthew is pacing behind me and wants his computer back. I really should just be writing this on my laptop, but his computer was on, so that's that! (I know, lame way of ending a blog post. Oh well!)
Weight Gain: 17 - 18 lb’s
Maternity Clothes: I've grown out of 4 maternity shirts! So I went and bought a couple new ones yesterday.
Symptoms: Stuffy nose, sore back if standing or walking too long.
Sleep: My back is killing me!!!!! That is all.
Best Moment of the Week: Hmm...I don't know. It's been a good week at times, and an awful week too. Matt was away Thursday and Friday, and Thursday was great and fine, but Friday was one of the worst days ever, for no particular reason. I just felt like I couldn't handle life, and wanted to curl up into a little ball, but couldn't because there's Elijah to think about. I'm afraid my mind turned off and I went int0 auto-pilot for half the day, just to get through. Oh, but on Thursday I went to Sephora with Tiffany and Julia and it was awesome. I spent a rather large amount of money, and I don't feel remotely guilty about it, as putting on my new make-up and feeling pretty was one of the only good things about Friday!
Movement: Yup, and I've noticed hiccups lately!
Food cravings: York Peppermint Patties
Gender: A girl!
What I Miss: Jogging
What I’m Looking Forward To: Saturday night, when all of Matt's August-crazy-busyness is all over. Also, getting my packages that I ordered. ***shhhhh*** Oh, and moving downstairs! Hopefully by the end of next week!
Milestones: None really, just inching closer and closer to the finish line. As of today there are less than 50 days until my due date! That's pretty exciting to me. Also, yesterday was 9 weeks until the latest possible eviction date (13 days overdue, which is what I went with Elijah.) Also, (and I know I say this often) but 33 weeks sounds so much more pregnant than 32.
Emotions: I was pretty clingy and sensitive over the weekend, after Matt was away. The littlest thing would set me off, and I felt...abandoned. I'm doing soooo much better now though, and am excited about stuff in general.
Belly Photo: Soooo I didn't take one last week, but it probably doesn't matter, as the one from this week doesn't seem too different, or too much bigger than the 30 week photo. Here it is:
I checked, and I'm not too different than how big I was with Elijah at this point. In fact, I'm either the same or bigger. So that's comforting to know!I never did write another post talking about my MW appointment stuff, but I think all I wanted to mention was these cramps I've been having. I have them at least once a day, and they feel like how I remember contractions feeling, but I don't feel like my uterus is hard, and I can still feel Baby Girl kick while I'm having them. Also, I've been feeling them off and on for 6 weeks now, and obviously it hasn't led to labour. It sucks though! Sometimes they get really bad. There have been times when I can time them, where there is a distinct start, peak, and end to them, which was worrisome, if not for the other factors I mentioned.
So the tentative conclusion? There isn't one. Maybe my uterus is colicky or irritated, or maybe it really IS just muscle stretching pains. Who knows. All I know is, it's going to make it really hard to go overdue, because it's all ready hurting, I'll have a harder time determining if I have contractions, and I'm getting sick of being pregnant as it is.
**GASP** did I just say that?! It's true though. I love being pregnant, and "sick of being pregnant" is totally not the right way to say it, but I'm just getting to the "I'm done" point. Things are getting SO hard to do, especially over the last couple weeks. It's getting harder and harder to look after Elijah, and I'm tired a lot. I am starting to feel nesty but I can't do a thing about it until we move downstairs. Well, that's not true, but I'm doing all I can. I'm just...getting really excited for Baby Girl to be here, and really excited about labour and delivery (I know, sick right?) and done with summer and being warm and needing the fan blowing on me and blah blah blah. Gosh this smells of complaining. Am I complaining? Part of me feels like I am, and part of me feels like I'm just stating it like it is. I have a toddler, and a big belly. I live on the 2nd floor and have to do stairs often. Grocery shopping hurts. Standing in one place to do dishes or fold laundry hurts. That is life I guess!
And yet...and yet I am working really hard at enjoying all the little things. This time left alone with Elijah, this time feeling the baby kick inside of me, this excitement and anticipation, this time without a baby waking me up at night. All of it, it's so much fun! It's equal parts hard and awesome at the same time. How can that be?
Anyway, I should finish this, as Matthew is pacing behind me and wants his computer back. I really should just be writing this on my laptop, but his computer was on, so that's that! (I know, lame way of ending a blog post. Oh well!)
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
32w0d
How Far Along: 32w0d
Weight Gain: 18 lb’s - after weeks of gaining nothing, I jump up 3 lb's! I haven't been eating terribly or anything, so I think it might be because of the water I've started to retain. I notice it in my ankles and my legs right now.
Maternity Clothes: I'm getting pretty bored of my current wardrobe. I'm thinking that I'm going to pick up a couple tops this weekend.
Symptoms: Stuffy nose, joint pain, increased difficulty rolling over in bed, feeling warm constantly
Sleep: The last few nights haven't been great, but that's because Elijah was sick. Last night he woke up almost every hour to cry out, and then Matt's cellphone beeped once an hour reminding him to charge it, and I was going nuts. I'm just grateful Elijah slept another 45 minutes after his 6am cry-fest!
Best Moment of the Week: Getting our van, going out for dinner with Matt, the wedding we went to on Saturday, my midwives appointment this morning
Movement: Yes, and last night she started kicking me in the ribs, right where Elijah used to! I had to adjust how I was sleeping because of it, and it made me smile, remembering the grief Elijah gave me on that head. HE started kicking my ribs at 25 weeks and never stopped, so I could only ever sleep on the one side. My shoulder and arm joints were so sore by L & D, so I'm glad this little one has waited this long before discovering the apparently comfortable sweet-spot. A good thing about it though? It means she's not posterior anymore!
Food cravings: Pink lemonade, french fries with gravy.
Gender: A girl!
What I Miss: Not much at this moment
What I’m Looking Forward To: Driving my van for the first time today, selling the car, seeing some friends this weekend and hopefully tomorrow night. Nothing baby-related, per se, but I'm looking forward to it all nonetheless
Milestones: 32 weeks! This, apparently, is when the odds of preemies living completely normal and healthy lives (without long-term affects of their premature birth) spikes dramatically. Also, this past week (since hitting 31 weeks) I passed the point where it was 2 months until my due date. Soooo now it's less than 2 months, and only 5 weeks to full-term!
Emotions: I've been feeling irritable lately (no surprise there) but also clingy too. Elijah has been sick, which is tough on me too, and I've needed some extra calm and reassurance from Matt. He doesn't seem to mind. ;)
Belly Photo: Have not taken one, but I will! At my midwives appointment today, I told her how I feel like my stomach is not growing, and she said it looks like it is, and once again I measured on track (32.5 weeks) so to not worry. Now I'm curious. If I AM growing, and SHE can notice the difference, what will the difference be, in photo form?
I have a couple more things to add about the MW appointment this morning, but it'll have to wait until later, as it's lunchtime.
Weight Gain: 18 lb’s - after weeks of gaining nothing, I jump up 3 lb's! I haven't been eating terribly or anything, so I think it might be because of the water I've started to retain. I notice it in my ankles and my legs right now.
Maternity Clothes: I'm getting pretty bored of my current wardrobe. I'm thinking that I'm going to pick up a couple tops this weekend.
Symptoms: Stuffy nose, joint pain, increased difficulty rolling over in bed, feeling warm constantly
Sleep: The last few nights haven't been great, but that's because Elijah was sick. Last night he woke up almost every hour to cry out, and then Matt's cellphone beeped once an hour reminding him to charge it, and I was going nuts. I'm just grateful Elijah slept another 45 minutes after his 6am cry-fest!
Best Moment of the Week: Getting our van, going out for dinner with Matt, the wedding we went to on Saturday, my midwives appointment this morning
Movement: Yes, and last night she started kicking me in the ribs, right where Elijah used to! I had to adjust how I was sleeping because of it, and it made me smile, remembering the grief Elijah gave me on that head. HE started kicking my ribs at 25 weeks and never stopped, so I could only ever sleep on the one side. My shoulder and arm joints were so sore by L & D, so I'm glad this little one has waited this long before discovering the apparently comfortable sweet-spot. A good thing about it though? It means she's not posterior anymore!
Food cravings: Pink lemonade, french fries with gravy.
Gender: A girl!
What I Miss: Not much at this moment
What I’m Looking Forward To: Driving my van for the first time today, selling the car, seeing some friends this weekend and hopefully tomorrow night. Nothing baby-related, per se, but I'm looking forward to it all nonetheless
Milestones: 32 weeks! This, apparently, is when the odds of preemies living completely normal and healthy lives (without long-term affects of their premature birth) spikes dramatically. Also, this past week (since hitting 31 weeks) I passed the point where it was 2 months until my due date. Soooo now it's less than 2 months, and only 5 weeks to full-term!
Emotions: I've been feeling irritable lately (no surprise there) but also clingy too. Elijah has been sick, which is tough on me too, and I've needed some extra calm and reassurance from Matt. He doesn't seem to mind. ;)
Belly Photo: Have not taken one, but I will! At my midwives appointment today, I told her how I feel like my stomach is not growing, and she said it looks like it is, and once again I measured on track (32.5 weeks) so to not worry. Now I'm curious. If I AM growing, and SHE can notice the difference, what will the difference be, in photo form?
I have a couple more things to add about the MW appointment this morning, but it'll have to wait until later, as it's lunchtime.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Bleh
Elijah is sick. At least, I think he is. And it's amazing to me how that little boy's happiness and health, or lack thereof, completely affects me and my outlook on the day, on life, on anything.
He's running a temperature (38.4 before his nap,) has no appetite, and was refraining from running around, preferring to sit on my lap and fall asleep in my arms at the absurd hour of 12pm. I totally admit to thinking the worst when he's sick, too. I wonder at what point I'll just accept that people get sick all the time and don't die from it? How many times will he be sick before I relax and don't immediately think when I put him down for his nap when his temperature is high that he'll overheat and die of that childhood form of SIDS?
I love my little man so much. I can't imagine loving anyone as much as him (in the same way...or course I love Matt) and that makes me feel guilty for this baby, but even more guilty for Elijah, that the attention I give him won't be undivided and just his alone.
I know some people would say that if I can't love another baby as much as my first, that I shouldn't have another, but that's totally not what I mean. Logically, I know that I will love this baby. That I will see her, hear her cry, hold her, nurse her, and love her so so SO much, but that hasn't happened yet. Yes, I do love her, but I haven't yet been through those experiences that make my love for her grow and grow, like I have been with Elijah. It's hard to explain, but I'm told that it's normal, when you're pregnant with the second, to have a hard time imagining feeling the exact same way about a new baby when all you've ever known is your first.
Anyway, I'm starting to fall asleep while typing this (oh no! Maybe I'm sick too!) so I'm going to go take a nap.
He's running a temperature (38.4 before his nap,) has no appetite, and was refraining from running around, preferring to sit on my lap and fall asleep in my arms at the absurd hour of 12pm. I totally admit to thinking the worst when he's sick, too. I wonder at what point I'll just accept that people get sick all the time and don't die from it? How many times will he be sick before I relax and don't immediately think when I put him down for his nap when his temperature is high that he'll overheat and die of that childhood form of SIDS?
I love my little man so much. I can't imagine loving anyone as much as him (in the same way...or course I love Matt) and that makes me feel guilty for this baby, but even more guilty for Elijah, that the attention I give him won't be undivided and just his alone.
I know some people would say that if I can't love another baby as much as my first, that I shouldn't have another, but that's totally not what I mean. Logically, I know that I will love this baby. That I will see her, hear her cry, hold her, nurse her, and love her so so SO much, but that hasn't happened yet. Yes, I do love her, but I haven't yet been through those experiences that make my love for her grow and grow, like I have been with Elijah. It's hard to explain, but I'm told that it's normal, when you're pregnant with the second, to have a hard time imagining feeling the exact same way about a new baby when all you've ever known is your first.
Anyway, I'm starting to fall asleep while typing this (oh no! Maybe I'm sick too!) so I'm going to go take a nap.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
This and That
Okay, so just a bullet-point email, because things are great!
Okay, I think that's it for bullets. Oh, except for some fun Elijah bullets:
Aaaand there's more, but my eyes are falling asleep, and this isn't even the post that I signed on to the computer to write! Gah...
- we bought a van!!! Honestly, I don't get why people are so ashamed of vans. They are so darn useful, and I don't have anything to prove by proclaiming I'm a mom. I'm not trying to hide that fact, and I am so very very grateful for my child(ren!) and to NEED a van. Because it's become a need. We literally cannot fit a carseat behind Matt's seat, because he can't pull forward at all, he's so tall, and we are unwilling to fill an entire trunk with a double stroller. So we bought a van! $4700 off of kijiji, a Ford Windstar with (get this) a built-in VCR player and screen! Hahahaha...maybe we can convert it. But there's tons of space for a stroller, it's comfy, tinted windows, cruise control, and 4 captain seats. Plus all these other bonuses that I hoped for but knew I wouldn't demand, like remote entry, remote start, the fact that it's not a dark colour, and yes, even the vcr. Because I think we can figure something out and make it a dvd player instead.
- Jon and Justine's wedding last night? So much fun! I knew so many people there, and only had trouble saying hi to all of my loved ones before we had to go. We couldn't stay long, as it was a 1.5-hour drive away, and we had to get back to our babysitter, but still. It was a blast, and I wish we could have stayed longer.
- Aaron and Rachelle are moving back to our city. I feel like that needs exclamation marks, but at the same time, I'm sad for them, that Aaron didn't get to transfer to the other university he wanted to, and that they have to move, especially when it means moving away from Rachelle's family, as I know she's really close with them. So, no exclamation marks, although I will allow myself to be excited about it for my own reasons. 1) Elijah and Terrah will be in nursery together, and I like that. 2) They'll be close by and can hang out more. We've missed spending time with them. 3) I just like seeing them! Like, at church on Sunday, at mom and dad's, etc. I was about to say, "It's like they're family!" but then I remembered that they ARE family! Which is nice, because sometimes one does not get on well with their family.
- We're taking over the downstairs in a week or two! Dad is going to fix the hole in the wall next week, then we need to give the place a good, thorough cleaning, and we're in! I'll be so relieved to be down there. I admit, it'll be sad that all of our stuff and little world won't be at our fingertips, because that's a big advantage to a small apartment. Also, I'll have to come to terms with doing the stairs more often. But...Elijah has started trying to climb on the bench, and I'm so so SO worried that one day he will, and then it'll be the table, and then he'll go over the ledge and land on the stairs, and fall down the rest of them, and...I just can't think about it anymore. I'm also excited because, once we move our furniture downstairs, there'll be room to set up Baby Girl's furniture in the other room, and I can start preparing for her! I have almost everything I need, I just haven't done a thing with it all. I have boxes of clothes to wash and sort. A dresser to fill. A crib to pick up. A mattress to buy. A bow-board to hang. Boxes of baby stuff in storage to dig out (with things like the toys, bumbo, bathtub, carseat, etc in them.) And in addition to those little things, I want to make 3 more blankets, 2 nursing covers, and try my hand at sewing up a peanut shell sling. Lots to do, and I really, actually, miraculously am running out of time! Less than 2 months until my due date!
Okay, I think that's it for bullets. Oh, except for some fun Elijah bullets:
- He signs "more" when he wants more food, waves bye-bye consistently, blows kisses, can point to his nose, folds his arms to pray, and just recently started holding his hands out to the side as if to say, "Where is it?" I LOVE IT!
- He puts his own crocs on
- He is utterly rejecting eggs, chicken, pork...everything protein-y except for top-grade steak. He'll eat that any day! He is so truly his father's son!
- He is a master of destruction, and glories in pulling things apart and throwing them on the floor. I'm working on getting him to help me clean up, but it's a (slow) work in progress...
- He loves to brush his teeth. Cutest thing ever.
Aaaand there's more, but my eyes are falling asleep, and this isn't even the post that I signed on to the computer to write! Gah...
Thursday, August 4, 2011
31w0d
How Far Along: 31w0d
Weight Gain: 15 lb’s
Maternity Clothes: Starting to get too small, or at least some tops are.
Symptoms: Heart palpitations, stuffy nose, breathlessness, sleepiness, and very emotional
Sleep: A little more difficult lately. My hips have been hurting, and I think it's because of the pillow I keep wedged between my legs all night. Compared to how crummy sleep was at this point with Elijah, though, I think I'm doing pretty well.
Best Moment of the Week: Hmm...I really enjoyed my weekend with Farrah, especially going shopping on Friday, buying stuff at Sephora, and lunch/dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. The best moment was probably Matt coming home though.
Movement: Yep, she's a lively one alright!
Food cravings: I can't really think of any right now. Maybe pink lemonade?
Gender: A girl!
What I Miss: Not much at this moment
What I’m Looking Forward To: August being gone. Seriously, it just started, and I just want it to be gone. Matt is busy with work stuff, and I just want to be in the every-week-appointments stretch and feel like the baby will actually be here any day. I'm starting to get antsy. I'm also looking forward to expanding to the downstairs apartment and starting to set up the 'nursery' area for this little girl.
Milestones: I can't think of any in particular...
Emotions: Anxious and worried about all the adjustments that will come with this new little one. Also, I've been rather irritable.
Belly Photo: Okay, so I'll admit that I dropped the ball on this one again this week. I keep meaning to take a photo, and it's now Sunday rather than Wednesday. I'm officially closer to 32 weeks than to 31, so I'm not going to bother with this one this week, and just hope that I at least manage an every-other-week thing for the rest of this pregnancy.
I've been feeling a little...disinterested in this pregnancy lately. That's totally not the right word, but I sure as heck can't find the right one. I'm excited, but not at the same time. I want this baby to come, I don't feel ready this second, but at the same time I don't want to wait anymore. I feel like this is going to be a long (less than) 2 months until my due date.
Anyway, I have another post to write, it'll be private though, as it involves some rather personal experiences I've been through lately, so I'm going to go do that now.
Weight Gain: 15 lb’s
Maternity Clothes: Starting to get too small, or at least some tops are.
Symptoms: Heart palpitations, stuffy nose, breathlessness, sleepiness, and very emotional
Sleep: A little more difficult lately. My hips have been hurting, and I think it's because of the pillow I keep wedged between my legs all night. Compared to how crummy sleep was at this point with Elijah, though, I think I'm doing pretty well.
Best Moment of the Week: Hmm...I really enjoyed my weekend with Farrah, especially going shopping on Friday, buying stuff at Sephora, and lunch/dinner at the Cheesecake Factory. The best moment was probably Matt coming home though.
Movement: Yep, she's a lively one alright!
Food cravings: I can't really think of any right now. Maybe pink lemonade?
Gender: A girl!
What I Miss: Not much at this moment
What I’m Looking Forward To: August being gone. Seriously, it just started, and I just want it to be gone. Matt is busy with work stuff, and I just want to be in the every-week-appointments stretch and feel like the baby will actually be here any day. I'm starting to get antsy. I'm also looking forward to expanding to the downstairs apartment and starting to set up the 'nursery' area for this little girl.
Milestones: I can't think of any in particular...
Emotions: Anxious and worried about all the adjustments that will come with this new little one. Also, I've been rather irritable.
Belly Photo: Okay, so I'll admit that I dropped the ball on this one again this week. I keep meaning to take a photo, and it's now Sunday rather than Wednesday. I'm officially closer to 32 weeks than to 31, so I'm not going to bother with this one this week, and just hope that I at least manage an every-other-week thing for the rest of this pregnancy.
I've been feeling a little...disinterested in this pregnancy lately. That's totally not the right word, but I sure as heck can't find the right one. I'm excited, but not at the same time. I want this baby to come, I don't feel ready this second, but at the same time I don't want to wait anymore. I feel like this is going to be a long (less than) 2 months until my due date.
Anyway, I have another post to write, it'll be private though, as it involves some rather personal experiences I've been through lately, so I'm going to go do that now.
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