Wife of a Wargamer

I'm going to be perfectly honest here, I feel scared right now. It's ridiculous really, when you know the reason.

They're calling for thunderstorms, and with these thunderstorms, there is the possibility of a tornado (like, for the first time in...a LONG time there's a tornado watch for our area.)

So of course, I feel like the worst is going to happen.

Am I sure I want to go out tonight? Maybe we could sleep over at mom and dad's in their basement, because we don't have a basement, and if we had to run, would we get there in time? Is this my last day alive? What if my baby is never born?

I'm tormenting myself here, with these terrible and silly thoughts. The region with these warnings is huge. Why should I feel like I'm the one who will be targeted by a tornado?

And, when it comes down to it, what is death anyway? We're all going to be resurrected. Why should I feel so afraid to die, or to have those I love die? Am I so fearful because I feel like I would be damned if I died at this time? If so, then I'd be far happier repenting and having faith that I'm living righteously. And if not, then why am I so darn scared?

I'll be honest, I don't know where I stand right now. I'm trying to do better, I have been recently. I know I got pretty spiritually lazy for a while, but I've been trying to change that. I've been reading my scriptures every day, and the last couple days I've been making an effort to do so during the day, rather than right before bed. I called Jen to set up our visiting teaching last night. I say my prayers, and I mean them. We're planning on going to the temple on Friday.

I know, I know, it's like I'm checking the basics off of some eternal creator's checklist, and that's not how it works. Someone can be doing everything right, and still not be prepared to die, or prepared for the second coming.

I feel like I've been doing better on that head, too, though. I actually want to go visiting teaching. I feel mad at mom (like I always do) but I recognized today that I need to just forgive her and let it go, that it doesn't matter in the eternal scheme of things. I'm excited for my new calling (RS secretary, I haven't mentioned it here yet.) I'm anxious to be a better mother to Elijah, and managed to feel sorry for him and be nice and motherly when he was whining and screaming about nothing in particular, minutes after he woke me up from a 5-minute nap (that took a lot of self restraint, that one!)

I'm trying, I really am. I can feel that I'm not trying with 100% of me, but I feel like it's pretty close.

So why am I so afraid to die, or to have Matthew, Elijah or Abigail die? Is it just that my faith isn't perfect? What can I do more? What am I missing? Am I missing anything, or am I really, truly ready?

I admit, I started having these feelings after the mini earthquake yesterday. Apparently it was centred in Virginia, USA, and was 5.9, and we could feel it up here in Ontario. It was exciting to me, never having experienced an earthquake, but it scared me at the same time, and now I feel more than ever that I want and need to be ready, if the end is really as near as it seems at times.

Today I read in JS-Matthew, and I read about the home-owner, who, if he had have known when the thief would come, he would have been ready. I get that entirely. If I knew it'd be in a week, a month, a year, then I'd be ready, but not for the right reasons. I want and need to be ready now, with all the uncertainty of when and how.

One thought that I had was to pretend to myself that the second coming was going to be next week on such-and-such a date, and then live my life so that I'd be ready, would not feel ashamed, and would make the Savior pleased. Then, when that date came and went, I'd set another date. Hopefully it'd motivate me to do well, and it'd keep the reality of it more real to me, as if it were a reminder that it really WILL happen, and is not just fictional.

Anyway, I don't know how to finish this. I'd sum it up, but it's not even a long post! I'm just...trying to not be afraid of death, and trying to have faith, and actually remember that the Gospel is real, and that it is everything.