Whining for $200, Alex

This post will be a whiner, I'm 99% sure. I don't know who to apologize to, because I'm quite sure no-one reads this blog, even though 3 random people all "liked" the same (2-month old) post a week ago. (By the way, if you're real people, sorry for not checking out your blog. But chances are, you're hackers who want to put viruses onto my computer, so, see ya!)

I just feel so very done with being pregnant. 33 weeks does not even sound that close to me. I know, logically, that I'm 6.5 weeks away from my due date, and THAT number sounds small and close, but 33 weeks just doesn't sound close enough.

I feel guilty for about 100 reasons. I feel guilty that I'm not enjoying this pregnancy as much as I enjoyed Elijah's, which is ironic to me, because I've actually been more emotionally stable and happier this time around than last time. But really, this pregnancy has been hard on my body in ways that Elijah's never was, and I'm just so ready to not be feeling all of these things anymore. My back hurts so much that I have trouble walking after I've been sleeping. Like, Matt patted my butt this morning (see? I wouldn't say such things if I thought people were reading!) and my back all but gave out and I fell sideways into the bed because I couldn't steady myself.

I also feel so guilty when it comes to Elijah. I sat down on the floor to play with him this morning, and within a minute he had discovered his juice was empty, so what did he do? He got up, ran to the fridge and opened the door. All before I could get onto my knees in an attempt to get there and stop a catastrophe from occurring. He doesn't get why I can't move around and chase after him, and why I get irrationally upset when he opens the fridge door. He has no idea that I pulled a muscle, rushing to get there in time, and that I'm not mad at him, I'm just in pain.

I feel guilty in advance for how stressed I'm going to be when this baby comes, and how it'll affect Elijah, AND this baby. I know there will be times this baby will be crying and I'll have to look after Elijah or something else first. I know Elijah will be confused as to why he can't play with the baby how he wants, and why I get upset when he takes toys that he doesn't understand are for the baby.

Anyway, things are just...stressful to me right now. It doesn't help in the least that Matt went away for the civic holiday weekend, went to LA for a couple days last week, and is inaccessible for today and tomorrow as well. Matt, who never goes away, is all of a sudden out of the picture for a week in one month, which happens to be the month when I'm feeling super pregnant and emotional, more than I have this entire pregnancy yet.

I know to some, a week (combined) doesn't seem like much, but for me, it's been awful. I mean, before the civic holiday hit, Matt had never so much as been away for the night since Elijah has been born. I just...don't know how to cope.

And then all these little things get to me. Farrah's away for the week, so I've had no-one to talk to. Carol left on Wednesday, so she's not just next door. Elijah decided to skip his nap yesterday. I'm feeling crampy probably twice a day now, although sometimes I think it's just a bad BH contraction. I'm not sleeping well so I'm always tired. I want to decorate and prepare for the baby but I can't. So what do I do? I keep buying more things! And then feel more guilt. Oh, and our new (to us) van? The hatch won't open! It's just another thing to do - go to the garage and get it fixed. Pray it doesn't happen again, especially when I have two babies, because there is no way that double stroller is coming out without the hatch opening.

Whine whine whine whine. I know I'm whining, and I do feel bad about it. I know there is so much about life that is good right now, so much I could and should be doing. I'm trying to do those things anyway, I've been keeping on top of the housework this week, and I've even been sewing. I just feel like each day is dragging, and why the heck is it not September yet?!

I really really really can't wait for September. Mostly, just for August to be behind us, I'll be totally honest. But I'm also so excited for autumn. I want Thanksgiving dinner in October, apple sauce, apple cider, leaves changing colour, the craft show, the Christmas countdown, the pumpkin patch where I want to take Elijah this year, Elijah dressing up for Hallowe'en, and, of course, our little baby girl. I feel like August has nothing to do with all of that, and I just want it gone.

And now, if you really ARE reading this, whoever you are, and you are thoroughly disgusted with me, please know that I am likewise feeling disgusted with myself. Putting this all down in writing has not helped, I feel like I've actually wasted time just doing it. So I'm going to finish this, and start working on a good, happy Elijah post that I was thinking of writing sometime in the next couple days. Mostly about how cute and funny he is, and all the little things I want to remember about when he was a baby.