Mommy Guilt

I feel so frustrated with myself. Let me just say it now and be upfront about it.

I am addicted to the internet.

Not all aspects, but I have the things I like to do. They are:

-read blogs (as in, there are a couple blogs I go to that have their own blog lists, and so I read about 20 different blogs.)
-read Yahoo news articles
-check facebook
-check my email
-read posts on the pregnancy and parenting forum, The Bump

I don't even want to write down how much time I waste doing these things. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And not just that, but multiple times a day. If I have a free moment? I check it all. Heck, even if I don't have a free moment, I still check it all.

I'm suffering because of it. I'm less intellectual, more negative, more bored and idle, more lazy, and have lower self-esteem. I don't learn much of value, and I get way too involved in reading other people's updates on their life, their pregnancies, and so on. It's really just pregnancy that I'm fixated on, because once these bloggers have their babies I find their blogs really boring. But yes, in so many ways, I suffer.

But do you know what's worse?

Elijah suffers.

Matt left to go home teaching, and I sat down on the computer around 6:50 or so. I kept glancing at the clock, thinking it was still a bit before Elijah's bedtime at 8pm,  and I would get off once I was done X. Which became Y. Which became Z. Until I looked at the clock, and realized it was 7:45, and I hadn't paid him much attention (apart from when he came to me to help him put his shoe back on, or brought me things from the other room.)

So yes, it was 7:45, I hadn't played with him, and he still needed his snack. And Backyardigans was running in the background, and had been on for 2.5 hours.

I'm so sick of myself. What good mother does that? What good mother lets the t.v. run in the background for hours on end, and lets her child do what he wants while she just sits there on the computer reading about other people's lives?

I always say I have a hard time knowing how to play with Elijah, but the truth of it is, the only reason I find it hard or don't know how is because I've never bothered to LEARN how.

Elijah has bad days, and when I try to tell Matt about how upset Elijah was, his response is often, "Did you try playing with him?" and I say "Yes" because I tried handing him his train, or block, or book, or even snack, and I had it swatted away. But then Matt says, "I mean, get down on the floor, roar at him, chase him around, build a block tower, etc." and I know he's got me. Most of the time my mind doesn't even think to do those things.

I'm a terrible mom. I know it's true, even if other people deny it and say that I'm wonderful. That's because they don't see how lazy I am most of the day. And Elijah is suffering from it, not even counting the fact that he's so behind in his speech, and I could be helping with that, but instead I'm perpetuating it.

During his first year, I felt depressed. I know I did, but at the same time my bad parenting was magnified by my laziness which I refused to get over and excused with my depression.

Now though? I don't feel depressed. Tired and very pregnant, yes, but not depressed. I have no excuse.

Actually, when I look back Elijah's first year, I start to feel depressed all over again, but for much different reasons. Now I feel depressed that I spent so much time reading about pregnancy and wanting to be pregnant again that I didn't take the absolute best care of my beautiful baby who was the direct result of pregnancy.

I hate myself quite a bit for this, actually. I've cheated Elijah, and I've cheated myself. Instead of looking back at his baby pictures with joy, I look back with sorrow, that I missed that time, that I found it hard, and somewhere in all of it, my baby went from this:

To this:





[caption id="attachment_1034" align="aligncenter" width="300"] (I feel like this is a glimpse how he'll look when he's 20)[/caption]

My baby is not a baby anymore. He's lost most traces of his baby-ness, and I have this beautiful, amazing toddler now. I love him so much. So very VERY much. I don't understand why my love for him doesn't win out. Why did I waste my time with the baby he was? Why do I waste my time with this little boy who is no longer a baby? What is wrong with me?

This is awful. I need to do something about it. I don't want to treat him like this anymore, and when I think of introducing a new baby to him, having to deal with TWO babies, Elijah having my attention further divided, this baby getting more attention than Elijah got, I feel an incredible amount of guilt and pain.

I need to do something about this. I need to change. I'm going to stop going on the computer. I'm going to stop reading blogs, with a very very small few exceptions. I'm going to stop logging into facebook. I guess I want to keep it mostly to announce when I have my baby, and then to post photos. But even that seems like a colossal waste of time right now. I could be doing so many other productive things, playing and nurturing Elijah the biggest of them.

I'm also going to stop going on the pregnancy forum, and yahoo news. I cut yahoo news out once before (but started reading it again in March when Japan had the huge earthquake and tsunami) and I'm sure I can do it again.

So here are my new rules:

-no Yahoo news.
-no The Bump.
-facebook is permissable ONCE a day only, for not longer than 20 minutes.
-The following blogs are acceptable: In Pursuit of Parenthood, Fruit Snacks, and Zero to Three in Forty Weeks.

I'll allow myself to check my email or message Matt back and forth, and I won't restrict it right now. Email gets boring really quickly, because I don't email many people on a regular basis.

So, that's the new rule. I WILL be a better mommy to Elijah, and BEFORE Abigail comes. His world is going to be turned upside down when she comes, and the fact that we're moving downstairs this week isn't going to help. He needs stability, love, and nurturing, and darnit, I'm going to give it to him. I WILL kick this. You hear me Satan? I know it's you, tempting me where I weak, and me being stupid and imperfect enough to give in, but this is where it stops. Right here, right now. Because I love my son more than any blog, facebook update, or pregnancy post, and he is worth more than that. He is worth dying for, and he WILL get the love and attention he needs to return to live with our Heavenly Father some day.

So there. (That seemed like an appropriate way to end that rant.)