Rage issues

Seriously, it's getting to be a little nuts in our household. I feel so unpredictable, like a ticking timebomb, and poor Matthew and Elijah can't keep up.

Today's first grievance? Flies. I really really REALLY can't stand them. People say it's because we live in the country, but they have NOT been this bad all summer. I think it's just because the weather is getting cooler, so it's warmer inside, and smells better too. There are ALWAYS 2 or 3 flies in the van at one time though, and they won't fly out the window or door when it's open, because it gets instantly cooler. So we always have flies in the van, buzzing in front of my face at random times when I'm driving and throwing me into random fits of flailing, swatting rage. And every now and then I have to give it a good "AAAARGH!" and then immediately reassure Elijah that it's not him, it's the flies. Because the poor kid probably think he's either in trouble or that his mommy is insane. The insane part is probably a little true lately.

Because the biggest grievance of today just occurred, and I was nuts. NUTS I tell you.

See, I've been trying to learn to crochet. Okay, I won't be falsely modest, I HAVE been crocheting, and I'm pretty proud of the 2 granny squares I made, especially as the 2nd one turned out to actually BE a square.

But here's the thing. I'm learning from some youtube videos, which is GREAT, except for when Matt is playing his new Red Faction game in the background, which involves shouting, gunshots galore, some swearing, and just general tenseness. See, at times I couldn't hear the video, so I'd snap or whimper because of that (don't even get me started on how pathetic this is. I know it. Really.) and then sometimes, when I was feeling particularly tense about it all, I'd either turn around and glare at Matt, or give off another arg. It was childish. SO childish.

But really, it wasn't that bad or childish until my video stopped, I packed up my stuff, and tried to focus on something other than crocheting. And then I realized that these noises and this video game were consuming every single little part of me, and the feeling in my chest just grew. I don't know how to explain it, except that I felt this enormous tension in my chest that would not go away until the game was paused, and even then I was all mad and contentious so it's wouldn't totally go away. It was like a serious loss of the spirit, or akin to what I imagine people with Asperger's Syndrome experience when they are being audibly distracted. It was impossibly to think of anything else.

So I got Matt to find me his headphones, and I'm now listening to music that I'm picking carefully to soothe me and calm me down. It's working, but at times it's making this post a little disjointed and probably, as I'll discover after-the-fact, ungrammatical. Oh well. Now you know why I'm repeating myself, running in circles, and not fixing spelling mistakes.

On the upside, I'm learning firsthand what music puts me in a calm and happy place, which is good to know, because I had thought beforehand that there wasn't any music I'd like to listen to when I'm in labour, or struggling and stressed, or whatever. But apparently there is! Here's what's on my list so far:

-Bridge Over Troubled Water, Sound of Silence, The Boxer, and America by Simon and Garfunkel
-Desperado, by the Eagles
-The Freshmen by the Verve Pipe
-Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley
-Hey Jude from Across the Universe
-Slipping Through My Fingers from the Mamma Mia movie
-The Call by Regina Spektor (Narnia soundtrack)

(interrupting this list to note the fact that it's really hard to not sing along to the songs with headphones on. People always sound terrible singing along to music no-one else can hear but them, so I won't do it. :)

I think that's it for now, actually, but I'm trying to keep my mind open to a birth song. Okay, call it crazy, whatever you want, but I kind of like the idea of there being a particular song that is playing when Baby Girl is born. I've heard of this before, and I think it sounds...special. I don't know how to describe while actually listening to music, but imagine it. You're in labour, you're pushing, it feels like it'll last forever, and then someone puts on this song, and you know it's THE song, and you realize how close you actually are, that your baby is about to be born, you're about to meet her, and then out she comes, and she's placed on your chest while this favourite, beautiful song is playing that will always and forever make you think of that special moment. I think I would cry. But, I recognize that, like many good ideas, it might actually be more pleasant in theory than in practice. Kind of like hosting your family for a holiday meal. (True story.)

I'm listening to the Freshmen right now. I love this song, but I'm thinking I don't want to hear it in labour. While the story behind the song doesn't apply to me (singer's girlfriend decided to get an abortion which he didn't want) I feel like it might remind me of babies dying, which I don't need to think about. Oh, but I love this song.

Let's see how much more random I can make this.

Yesterday I had a midwives appointment, and everything is looking good. Baby Girl's HR was 140 or so, nice accelerations, measuring 37.5 weeks, blood pressure was the highest it's been yet, but still a good reading at 122/78 (usually it's about 110/60.) Apparently I'm GBS-'ve, so yay. We went over my birthplan, and the MW, Kr this time, said that she really likes it, and how 1/2 of it is just tips for what might work to help me in labour.

Gosh I really hope Kr is the one on call when I'm in labour. She's great.

I'm getting really sleeping. I'm going to end this now.

***I COULD go back and fix the typos, but I find it really funny, in hindsight, how I wrote that I'm "getting really sleeping." Why change the very proof of my tiredness? ***