I'm sorry that I've been completely slacking in my posting skillz this month! To be honest, I keep thinking of things to post, and then I decide that it's not exciting enough, or I forget about it completely. Here's what's going on with Matt and I.
We've been rather busy in the evenings, although not with anything that would sound exciting. Monday we went to Matt's parent's for dinner and to practice the song that he and his brothers are singing this Sunday for the cantata. Tuesday evening we had a couple friends over for chicken wings and LOTR 2, Wednesday Matt had a business meeting and then we vegged a bit...I finally got around to putting in the last half of Pride and Prejudice, but when I started falling asleep at the part where Mr. Darcy hears about Lydia's leaving with Mr Wickham, I knew I was fighting a losing battle, because who could fall asleep at the most exciting part? Last night we had a choir practice for Sunday, and tonight we have a missionary home-coming party. It doesn't stop there though! Tomorrow night we have an early Christmas dinner at Matt's grandmother's, Sunday is the cantata, and Monday is family birthdays. Then we have a couple nights free, but they're about to get booked too. It really makes me wonder what life will look like once the baby comes. I certainly cannot keep up this constant busy-ness, and I'm just counting on knowing instinctively what I can and cannot manage. We'll see anyway!
Surprisingly, I've been keeping myself busy during the days. Now, I say surprisingly because I haven't felt 100% this week, and throughout the majority of my pregnancy that would mean a bad day of staying in pyjamas, moping, and being in a funk until bedtime. It's definitely something I struggle with.
Lately it's been a lot easier when those funks come. I don't entirely know why, but I'm going to think it through here, okay? Okay.
The way I see it is, there are three options:
Option 1: Maybe it's because the baby is coming soon. Really soon. Like, a few days away from *technically* full-term soon. Perhaps this reality makes the difficult days easier to deal with.
Option 2: Maybe I've been nesty, and the reality that I only have so much time left has driven me to do things that I might not have time to do afterwards, so I'm trying to prepare now.
Option 3: Maybe it's because I've been dealing with this for so long that I've learned how to cope, and that I'll feel better if I forget about it and plug away at the day instead.
***Aside: has anyone ever seen Empire Records? I wouldn't recommend it, there's too much poop in the brownie. But it used to be my favourite movie in highschool, and as such, I watched it a million times, and know it practically off by heart. As a result, lines from the movie are always popping into my head, and then I feel sad because no-one gets the reference! Well, one just popped into my head now. It's where Lucas says, "It seems like a viable option...". It popped into my head after typing option number 3, and I really do think it's the most likely to be viable. End aside.***
So option 1. As much as excitement and count-downs drive me, they're really not enough to get me out of a funk. So no. Not option 1.
Option 2. Yes, I've been nesty, but only really baby nesty. I've wanted to do everything baby to the point where I realized today that there isn't anything baby left to do. My birth plan is typed and printed out. So are a list of phone numbers of people to call. My hospital bag is half-packed (I started yesterday, and can't add any more until I buy some things) the room is so set up that it's ridiculous, the clothes are organized, the diaper bag is packed. Like, really. The baby could come now and we'd be more than fine. **sigh** So, with me being so baby ready, you'd think I'd be spending all of my time lately cleaning, but I haven't been. To be honest, the cleaning nesty hasn't hit. I know this because when I think about how I want everything clean, I then think, "I'd rather wait until the baby is due to do those things, so I don't have to do them again..." hahaha. Lazy bum, I know.
Anyway, I guess Option 2 is slightly viable, because today I finished baby things and a slightly bad and unproductive day has ensued.
Onto Option 3. Personally, I think this is most likely. Why? Because I haven't felt bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and excited to stay home. Quite the opposite actually. I've had days that were this close to being bad days, where I just pulled myself off of my butt and did stuff any way. Wednesday was one of those. I actually got a lot done and I know it'd have been a bad day otherwise because no matter how much I did and how good about it I felt, I still felt this strong undercurrent of blahness threatening to disturb me. And still I worked away. In May or June, that feeling would have conquered, but it didn't Wednesday. It hasn't won for a while, actually, resulting in a productive me that says to Matt when he gets home, "Aren't you proud of me? I got so much done and I didn't want to do ANY of it!" I haven't even pouted for him to stay home with me for a while.
So there. Option 3 is, to me, the most viable. And that makes me feel good about myself, because sometimes I had a hard time with my decision to not go to school this past semester, even if I felt like it was the right thing to do. 99% of the time, the decision didn't make sense or seem remotely justified. It'd have filled my time, I've had a great pregnancy in terms of being able to leave the house and DO things, and yet I felt strongly impressed that it wasn't what I should do. I've wondered often since September WHY that should be the case. Maybe this is the answer. Maybe it's because this has been a really valuable and essential lesson for me to learn, and that this blahness that I've struggled with would have been 100 times more difficult to get through if I faced it with the the baby here already. Can you imagine me sitting around feeling blah and having a hard time motivating myself to do ANYthing when there's a little helpless baby depending on me to be strong and capable? I need to be able to plough through the bad times so that I can be good for this little baby boy I'm being entrusted with, and in hindsight, I'm so grateful for what I've learned. Even if it meant an entire pregnancy of cabin-fever and feeling like the world's most useless non-contributing zero EVER.
PHEW what a ramble. I didn't even come on here planning to write all that, but I'm glad I did.
So where was I? Oh right, how busy we've been.
Last Saturday we did our prenatal training and it was great. Completely worth the $100. I learned so much that I felt overwhelmed by all of the information, and I left feeling completely ready and excited to put my new-found knowledge into practice. I also felt frustrated that I had to WAIT to do it, and you can bet I'll be doing every possible labour-inducing technique once I'm "full-term." Maybe it'll work, maybe it won't. I guess if my due date comes and goes, then I'll know they don't really do a whole lot.
I learned some really interesting things there though. The first was a breathing exercise, and no, I don't mean the "hee-hee-hoooo" of lamaze. We had to squeeze an ice-cube in our hand for 1 minute, and BOY did I ever underestimate how much that would hurt. Here are some of the thoughts that were going through my mind in that minute:
-ahh, I see. She's trying to emphasize what a contraction will feel like
-I'm glad the guys are doing this too, so that they realize to some extent how much it'll hurt
-wow, I never knew squeezing ice could hurt so much
-huh, that's strange. My wrist hurts too...and my arm. But only my hand is touching the ice...
-I wonder how much else of me will hurt during a contraction then...
-are you kidding me? It's only been 30 seconds?!
-how long do contractions normally last for anyway?
-probably 60 seconds.
-oh wait, that's just at first. Aren't they supposed to be minutes long towards the end of labour?
-dang it.
-yeah I can see why people get pain relief medication.
-maybe I'll just squeeze a little less tight. No-one would know...
-no, Holly. It's not like you can get rid of a contraction. Stop being a baby! It's just an ice-cube!
-well at least it's not just me who's weak. Everyone seems to suck at this.
-is it vindictive to be glad the guys are hurting too?
-whatever.
And then we dropped the ice cubes. My hand kept hurting and hurting, it took minutes for the sting and pulling sensation to subside. Imagine my feelings when she said we were going to do it again!
While we were massaging our sore hands our trainer talked to us about concentration, and focusing on our breathing. We talked about some of the thoughts that popped into our minds, and then she told us that whenever anything pops into our mind, we need to push it out. Especially thoughts like, "holy crap this hurts", "I just want to drop the ice-cube...", "how much longer is there???" and "is this what a contraction is going to feel like?" Instead we were to focus on our breath going in and out, how slow or fast we are breathing, how deeply we are inhaling, and so on.
She had us close our eyes so that things on the table wouldn't distract us. Then we picked up the ice cubes again in the same hand as before, and we did the exercise all over again.
WOW what a difference! The time went by a lot faster, and I barely felt the pain. I did feel it at first, and whined in my head, thinking, "couldn't we have just picked it up in the other hand this time???" but then I pushed that thought out of my head. I was only conscious of the fact that something was in my hand half the time, and of the pain even less than that. When I did notice the pain, it was kindof surreal, and I felt much more able to handle it. Then we dropped the ice-cubes, and my hand didn't even hurt as much afterwards. It took less than a minute to go back to feeling normal, whereas the other time it had taken much longer.
So there's something I found completely enthralling! I want to do it again, just so I can get good at the concentration thing. I did it on Tuesday when I had my blood drawn and I, who am normally afraid of needles and tense up like you wouldn't believe, was just fine and even able to relax my body. Which was a good thing because I've never bruised so much by having blood drawn EVER. And I've had my fair share of pokes in my life.
Wow this is getting long, and I'm not even done yet! I'll pare down what else I was going to talk about.
I had a great midwife appointment on Tuesday. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary, but I felt really good about everything afterwards. I had been anxious because I'm a month away from D-Day, and I still hadn't met one of the midwives on my team. See, I have 3 midwives, and they take turns being on call for delivery. This midwife is on call the week before and after I'm due, and I was kindof freaking out about having someone there to coach me who I didn't even know.
My worries were for nothing though. She's great. Like, one of those people you have an instant report with. She was happy to answer my long list of questions (longest list yet so far, actually. Maybe it was because she wasn't used to my questioning ways...) and she was just so nice. And encouraging/empowering. And I still have 2 more appointments with her before I'm due, so huzzah. I feel a lot better, needless to say!
So that made me feel good, and then our baby talk made me feel good. I'm measuring right on track (hurray for growing the appropriate amount!), baby Eli was kicking up a storm and had a heart rate of about 135-140 (it's pretty much been that for months, so everything is normal), he's still head down, AND he's not posterior.
See, I was quite sure he had turned so that he was back to back with me and I was pretty anxious about that as I want to deliver naturally and that'd be much more difficult with a posterior baby, but he was so far from posterior that it was funny. His back was straight down my front, running along the whole linea nigra line, he had one foot and hand to the side, and the kicks along the top that I had been feeling were not kicks, but rather his bum pushing against me when he would stretch. I hadn't thought of that! I figured because I was feeling movement in two places at once, that they were both feet.
OH and here's something that really excited me. He's already engaged. As in, he's already dropped. Why the italics? Because I didn't think he'd do that for another week or two at least. And, much as I'm trying to expect to go overdue, I also have heard from a large number of sources, that the baby is usually born within 3 weeks if he is engaged. So here's hoping. Not that I need anything else to make the wait more painful...
At the same time, I was completely disappointed to hear he'd already dropped. I really thought I'd be able to tell he had done so because he'd stop pushing on my ribs so much and I'd be able to breathe easier. At least, that's what I read everywhere. But no, no change in the breathing department whatsoever. In fact, I think he's trying to make use of the extra space to stretch out a little bit more. My ribs have apparently really been pushed outwards for him (or by him...) and so has something at the front, in the middle of my ribs. I don't remember what it's called, but it's making things awkward.
If I didn't feel other things, I might not actually believe my midwife's "I'd call that engaged" statement, but I've been feeling that pressure that people talk of whenever I walk. I used to just feel unsteady when I first got up in the morning, or to go pee, but now I feel it all the time. It's not too bad yet, but it's there.
Anyway, there's so much else I wanted to post on. How I went to the temple for the last time in a while, how I finished Christmas shopping, how I got $40 back off my carseat because it went on sale a week after I bought it, how I bought my lamp and mobile to match my set and it looks oh so lovely, how I'm starting Christmas baking tomorrow, lots of things. BUT, my friends, I need to go pee, and then I'm going to chill with Matt because he stayed home this afternoon to be with me. Isn't he the best? :D
I'll try to post again before Christmas (ONE WEEK MORE!) so that I don't wallop you all with another novel of a post...sorry about that!
Have a great week preparing for Christmas!!
P.S. For es and Red's benefit, I counted and fixed around 10 spelling mistakes, and I'm pretty sure I missed one. Just so you don't think I don't make any... ;)
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