I've been pretty emotional over the last week or two. It's a lot better than it was when I was pregnant with Elijah, but still. The emotions have been insane. I really do feel bad for Matt, who bears the brunt of it. As a result, this is the conversation we had this morning:
Matt - It's too bad men aren't the ones who get pregnant. We'd do a much better job of it.
Holly - How so?
Matt - Think about it. (quoting God in his best Monty Python voice) "I will give women heightened emotions......and pregnancy!!!" to which Adam replies, "Nooooooo! That's cursing me too!"
To which I responded with my best old-lady-smoker laugh (you know the one) because I'm still getting over this cold, which finished off the random conversation quite nicely, I must say.
It is kind of funny, though, that women are already prone to hormone-induced meltdowns, and then deal with pregnancy on top of that. Although, maybe men would crack under the pressure of being so darn logical most of the time, and then trying to figure out why they're so irrational and irritable when pregnant. Maybe women can take it more in stride because they're used to it already, and men can handle it when women are pregnantly emotional because they (meaning men) ARE the logical ones, and don't respond with similar emotions after being chipped away at bit by bit for 9 months. Well, Matt doesn't anyway.
Anyway, it's raining here today and I love it, although I'm sad at the same time because tonight was supposed to be a pool party for Dave's birthday (which he's missing, going away with Matt this weekend.) I'm assuming we're not having the pool party now, but perhaps we'll still do something with Dave and Farrah.
In the meantime, I'm going to go and find something healthier to eat for a snack than Glosette raisins.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
30w0d
How Far Along: 30w0d
Weight Gain: Between 15 lb’s
Maternity Clothes: Totally. And you know what? Much as I love my maternity clothes, I'm getting excited to be unpregnanted, given the go-ahead, work out until my butt falls off, and then buy some cute non-pregnant clothes. Because the only clothes I have bought in the last 2.5 years are mat clothes, and I happen to know (since having Elijah) that mat clothes are so so SO cute to a pregnant person, but so very unflattering to anyone else. And I'm starting to dread looking frumpy and gross and unpretty (and I can think about those things, now that I'm in the home-stretch!)
Symptoms: Heart palpitations, stuffy nose, breathlessness, sleepiness, and very emotional
Sleep: Muuuuch better now that the temperature isn't so high. I'm very grateful to not be suffering from sciatic pain like I did with Elijah.
Best Moment of the Week: My MW appointment today was pretty great. Also, having Matt arrange for me to stay at Farrah's this weekend made me really happy, especially when it involves spending money! Seeing Aaron, Rachelle and Terrah was nice, and establishing that 'no' is Elijah's first word made me feel good too!
Movement: Yep, lots of jabs and rolls at this point. I also have this game which I call chase-the-limb, because I can pretty much push her little foot across my stomach before she retracts it and stops poking it outwards.
Food cravings: French fries with gravy, Glosette raisins, and broccoli salad
Gender: A girl!
What I Miss: Hmm. Would the whole mat clothes thing count? I guess I miss being thin and going normal clothes shopping, but that seems like I'm saying I'd wish it back right now. I wouldn't though, I'm just biding my time, and this is way better than stay thin my whole life and not ever being pregnant with this little girl.
What I’m Looking Forward To: Dinner tonight with my girls, this weekend (now that I'm not home alone...)
Milestones: Being in the 30's! My appointments are every-other-week now, and the difference from 30 to 31 weeks (compared to 20 to 21) feels bigger, like we're getting that much closer. So many baby-ready milestones coming up...32 weeks is huge for long-term health in preemies, 35 weeks = lung maturity, 36 weeks is every week appointments, 37 weeks is full-term, and after the 30's is the 40's, which is baby time! It's starting to feel so close. Except for when I have dreams that I'm 42 weeks pregnant, my water breaks, it's time to meet my baby, and then I wake up. All of a sudden, 30 weeks feels like nothing.
Emotions: Ummm...they've been interesting. The problem is, I've had some very valid concerns and upsetting stuff going on, but they are being amplified by my hormones and need to cry, so it's been pretty rough.
Belly Photo:
So not too much change from a few days ago when I posted my 29w4d photo, but I was reassured to find out today that I'm measuring 30.5 weeks, so right on track. Baby girl is posterior right now, so that's probably affecting the shape and size of my belly too.
So I finally had a midwives' appointment today, and I am so glad! My appointments have been every 4 weeks this entire pregnancy so far and it feels like the 4 weeks has just flown by, but for some reason these last 4 weeks have dragged. I almost want to say "It feels good to be back!" like I took some vacation or hiatus or something. I'm glad I did it though, because now there's just more to talk about.
My MW, we'll call her Kr, doesn't seem to think the heart palpitations are from postural hypotension, she thinks it's more related to my low iron levels. My levels were 104 a few weeks ago, and they started (at 5 weeks) at 139, so that's a significant decrease for my body to be dealing with. It'd explain the short-of-breath-for-no-reason feelings I've been having, as well as the heart racing, etc etc.
She says I'm looking better than I did last pregnancy, that I look healthier and such, which I took to be a compliment, considering I started this pregnancy 20 lb's heavier than with Elijah. I retained so much water with Elijah, and it started so early (like, 24-25 weeks) so by...I don't know, I think it was 28 weeks? By then I had already gained 22 lb's, whereas this time I've only gained 15.
My BP was 102/68, Baby Girl's hr was 148bpm, and she is head-down and posterior right now. Everything's looking good!
I think I had more to add, but I can't remember any of it, and I have this stitch in my side that's making it difficult to concentrate. I'm going to go lay down for a bit I think.
OH! But one last thing. My baby boy is 18 months old today! I feel like he's grown so much, and yet is still my little baby. I'm excited he's nursery age though. AND we've established that his first word is 'no.' Not mama or dada, but hey, I'll take it!
Weight Gain: Between 15 lb’s
Maternity Clothes: Totally. And you know what? Much as I love my maternity clothes, I'm getting excited to be unpregnanted, given the go-ahead, work out until my butt falls off, and then buy some cute non-pregnant clothes. Because the only clothes I have bought in the last 2.5 years are mat clothes, and I happen to know (since having Elijah) that mat clothes are so so SO cute to a pregnant person, but so very unflattering to anyone else. And I'm starting to dread looking frumpy and gross and unpretty (and I can think about those things, now that I'm in the home-stretch!)
Symptoms: Heart palpitations, stuffy nose, breathlessness, sleepiness, and very emotional
Sleep: Muuuuch better now that the temperature isn't so high. I'm very grateful to not be suffering from sciatic pain like I did with Elijah.
Best Moment of the Week: My MW appointment today was pretty great. Also, having Matt arrange for me to stay at Farrah's this weekend made me really happy, especially when it involves spending money! Seeing Aaron, Rachelle and Terrah was nice, and establishing that 'no' is Elijah's first word made me feel good too!
Movement: Yep, lots of jabs and rolls at this point. I also have this game which I call chase-the-limb, because I can pretty much push her little foot across my stomach before she retracts it and stops poking it outwards.
Food cravings: French fries with gravy, Glosette raisins, and broccoli salad
Gender: A girl!
What I Miss: Hmm. Would the whole mat clothes thing count? I guess I miss being thin and going normal clothes shopping, but that seems like I'm saying I'd wish it back right now. I wouldn't though, I'm just biding my time, and this is way better than stay thin my whole life and not ever being pregnant with this little girl.
What I’m Looking Forward To: Dinner tonight with my girls, this weekend (now that I'm not home alone...)
Milestones: Being in the 30's! My appointments are every-other-week now, and the difference from 30 to 31 weeks (compared to 20 to 21) feels bigger, like we're getting that much closer. So many baby-ready milestones coming up...32 weeks is huge for long-term health in preemies, 35 weeks = lung maturity, 36 weeks is every week appointments, 37 weeks is full-term, and after the 30's is the 40's, which is baby time! It's starting to feel so close. Except for when I have dreams that I'm 42 weeks pregnant, my water breaks, it's time to meet my baby, and then I wake up. All of a sudden, 30 weeks feels like nothing.
Emotions: Ummm...they've been interesting. The problem is, I've had some very valid concerns and upsetting stuff going on, but they are being amplified by my hormones and need to cry, so it's been pretty rough.
Belly Photo:
So not too much change from a few days ago when I posted my 29w4d photo, but I was reassured to find out today that I'm measuring 30.5 weeks, so right on track. Baby girl is posterior right now, so that's probably affecting the shape and size of my belly too.
So I finally had a midwives' appointment today, and I am so glad! My appointments have been every 4 weeks this entire pregnancy so far and it feels like the 4 weeks has just flown by, but for some reason these last 4 weeks have dragged. I almost want to say "It feels good to be back!" like I took some vacation or hiatus or something. I'm glad I did it though, because now there's just more to talk about.
My MW, we'll call her Kr, doesn't seem to think the heart palpitations are from postural hypotension, she thinks it's more related to my low iron levels. My levels were 104 a few weeks ago, and they started (at 5 weeks) at 139, so that's a significant decrease for my body to be dealing with. It'd explain the short-of-breath-for-no-reason feelings I've been having, as well as the heart racing, etc etc.
She says I'm looking better than I did last pregnancy, that I look healthier and such, which I took to be a compliment, considering I started this pregnancy 20 lb's heavier than with Elijah. I retained so much water with Elijah, and it started so early (like, 24-25 weeks) so by...I don't know, I think it was 28 weeks? By then I had already gained 22 lb's, whereas this time I've only gained 15.
My BP was 102/68, Baby Girl's hr was 148bpm, and she is head-down and posterior right now. Everything's looking good!
I think I had more to add, but I can't remember any of it, and I have this stitch in my side that's making it difficult to concentrate. I'm going to go lay down for a bit I think.
OH! But one last thing. My baby boy is 18 months old today! I feel like he's grown so much, and yet is still my little baby. I'm excited he's nursery age though. AND we've established that his first word is 'no.' Not mama or dada, but hey, I'll take it!
Monday, July 25, 2011
So emotional...
These last few days have been really emotional ones for me and I'm trying to figure out 2 things:
1) Whether my meltdowns of epic proportions have been legit or entirely pregnancy/hormone-induced, and
2) If the cold I feel like I now have is really just the after-effects of the heavy heavy sobbing I've been partaking of on a near-daily basis.
Here's what been going on.
Matt is going away this coming weekend. I hate when he goes away anyway, but I've been especially worried about this one because it's the first time he'll have gone away for any period of time since Elijah has been born. I was already worried about the fact that I won't have my 5:15pm relief a la Matthew every day, and that we miss the Saturday too. I was worried as well about church on Sunday because, even though Matt's on the stand for sacrament, I really depend on him through the other portions of the meeting.
I was also worried because I hate being home alone.
I was especially worried about the emotional trauma that will be inflicted on me when Elijah looks for Matt in the mornings, and walks around crying for daddy.
But still, it's just a weekend, and then it'll be done, right?
Except, I just found out on Saturday that Jeff and Carol (mom and dad...) will be gone for the weekend too. What's worse is that I found out through mom off-handedly asking me to water her flowers and look after Sheba while they're gone.
And all I can say is, You have to be kidding me. The one thing that made the prospect of this weekend remotely bearable is the fact that I'd have help and relief and security in the fact that mom and dad are just next door. But no, no they won't be. So now I'll be all alone on this big property in the middle of the country with no help, no relief, AND I have to figure out how to water the massive amount of flowers while keeping Elijah from running all over the place? That will be impossible. I'm stressed and upset just thinking about the flowers, let alone everything else. No help at church. No-one to go to next door. 2 houses to think about. Creepy, middle-of-nowhere-with-no-neighbours-I-know-or-trust.
So yeah, I melted down. Only in front of Matt, of course, because it's not mom and dad's fault that their weekend away coincided with Matt's weekend. And it's not Matt's fault that his weekend away coincided with mom and dad's, and he certainly couldn't help that Games Day fell on the Civic Holiday weekend that I wanted to use to go up north and visit my family on Manitoulin for their festival weekend.
I just feel scared, and upset, and I don't know what to do about it. I'm mad because I want to go up north with Matt, and Amanda and Jay are going up this weekend, and we can't go. Well, I could go with Elijah, but that would be terrible. An 8-hour drive (Elijah's longest ever) and an entire weekend with no-one to chase Elijah but 30-week pregnant me? No thanks. Not happening. Nor am I going to go with mom and dad to the Schoen's and be the 5th (and 6th...and a half) wheel to their boating and other adventures, and yet again have to chase Elijah around in an unfamiliar place all by myself (because, much as mom and dad would help, I'd still be stressed, still be following Elijah, still be bearing the brunt of it all.) And so my only other option is to stay home and be scared out of my mind.
And yes, I'm tearing up just thinking about it and writing it.
You know what doesn't help? Farrah is just as alone as I am this weekend, as Dave is going with Matt to Chicago. So you'd think I could hang out with Farrah and we could be miserable together this weekend, right?
Wrong!!
Farrah has family in Burlington she's going to stay with. You know, a place Dana is familiar with. A nice family that doesn't stress you out and drain you just to be around. And, what's more a family that isn't taking off for the weekend on the same weekend her husband is gone.
I feel so very very abandoned.
So I cried and cried and cried some more, and woke up yesterday morning feeling raw and tired and stuffed up.
Then there was yesterday. Yesterday was a whole different story (well, except for the pregnancy hormones.)
For one thing, I found out at 8:15 am that church in Welland was canceled because the air conditioner was broken. Matthew was staying for his meetings though, which meant he didn't get home from Ward Council until 10:15 (it ran late because it could.) So we could either stay home and have our own "church" meetings, go to St. Catharines for the last 2 meetings (not a good idea, considering Elijah-chasing or an unfamiliar nursery for him) or we could go visit my mom and aunt in Beamsville. Except when Matt got home there was no answer at my mom's so we just went next door and hung out there where it was air conditioned. But Rachelle and Terrah were still there, so Elijah was having a rough time, it was busy and hectic, and never felt peaceful enough to have any spiritual meetings/discussion of our own. But then it did calm down for a short time, Rachelle was downstairs putting Terrah down for a nap, and so Matt and I decided to start our "lessons" and discussions.
We began with prayer, and then after the prayer Matthew extended a new calling to me. I was pretty excited about the prospect of having a new calling, and I could tell he was excited to extend it to me (he says he wasn't that excited, but there was a twinkle in his eye.)
Buuut then he told me what the calling was (Sunday School teacher over the investigator class) and I froze. I can't explain it very well, but I'll try anyway. I felt scared. Panicky. Like I can't possibly be a Sunday School teacher when I have a new baby on the way and Elijah not quite in nursery. How was I going to take care of the baby? How was I going to look after her and keep her from being passed around the ward when she is so new and young and susceptible to sicknesses right at the beginning of cold and flu season? What was I going to do the first 3 Sundays after having her where I'm either away or still recovering to the point where I need to sit and relax for a teeny bit and not stand at the front of a classroom leading discussion and teaching people? How was I going to nurse her during sacrament time to make sure I could teach the next hour (every Sunday...) and how was I going to nurse her PERIOD when Matt is on the stand and Jeff and Carol are gone half the Sundays of the month, and I still have a very young Elijah to look after as well? With Elijah it was do-able because sharing time and music time could be switched around so easily. I only did sharing time every 3rd month, and I was easily replaceable when it was my turn to conduct. I can just hear mom now, saying how she had new babies when she was the Relief Society president and she still survived, but even that is different. She doesn't HAVE to teach. She doesn't have to conduct. She doesn't have a 1-hour commitment every single Sunday for an indefinite amount of time.
I guess also in my mind was the fact that, when I was released from Primary, Matt said there were some callings they were considering me for that required me to be Elijah-free. I then said that I wouldn't be baby-free for long, and he said that babies are easier than toddlers to have around and chase because they're not as distracting, so I can still have them with me. In my mind, I was thinking Relief Society teacher, chorister, or even a calling in Young Women where a new baby is not a big distraction (in comparison to Elijah anyway.) I actually thought, Well it can't be Sunday School, then, because Sunday School is just not possible with a newborn.
And then it was Sunday School.
I'm getting things a little out of order now, though. I asked him my questions, eg "How long will this be for?" "Will you be in there with me?" "What am I supposed to do with this baby?" "When am I supposed to start?"
I then told him I'm not going to answer right away, because I felt upset, and wanted to think it through first.
What I really wanted was to calm down and pray about it, because I know that you should never turn down a calling, but I just felt scared and worried and even angry about it. I wanted to pray about it myself and feel what Heavenly Father wanted for me at a time when I wasn't being clouded by all of my other unsettling emotions.
Matt was disappointed, I could tell, so I didn't say anyway. All I could think of were my fears, my "What if's," my hesitations. And it built and built and built. And so when Matt asked me what was making me hesitate at that moment, I burst into tears. I told him all of my fears and worries, and he tried (unsuccessfully) to rebut every one. He assured he could look after our baby, but I didn't want her gone for an hour every week, with him, or especially with mom who will not object if someone grabs the baby out of her arms, and who feels terrible telling people 'no' if they ask to hold her. I want and need to protect her for that first little while, and I can't do that if I'm teaching.
Anway, I lost it. Like, completely.We gathered up the stuff quickly (me still shaking with sobs) and headed back to the apartment where I cried and sobbed some more. I felt so...upset. Scared. Frustrated. Mad at myself. Like I should not be reacting this way, but I felt so darn worried about it all that I just couldn't say yes and move on, I was just...devastated. I cried, too, because I felt like it was my fault, and I should be more righteous and say yes without any hesitation, and cheer up, and so on, but I just couldn't.
Before Matt came back next door (I went quickly ahead of him...I didn't want Rachelle to see me like that) he prayed about the calling extension and felt strongly that it was not right and that it should be retracted. So he came back and told me so, and I felt even more awful. He assured me that it was not my fault, that he felt like they had been too hasty in extending the call, and perhaps they were not as sure as they thought that it was right because, even without me saying yes or no, it was being retracted.
And I of course still blamed it all on myself, and that Heavenly Father was just retracting it because I was such an awful person.
So Matthew emailed Bishop, and he felt to retract it as well, but did not necessarily say it was a mistake. He said that that was the point of the interview process, and that sometimes a calling is extended to make a situation which was not otherwise known to the bishop(ric) known, and that they didn't know I was feeling so overwhelmed and so much anxiety.
And so now I don't know what to think. Part of me feels like it's okay, and I don't need to feel bad about it, that I was feeling all those things anyway, and I'm not this terrible person. But another part of me feels that I should be handling things, and life, and everything better and trust more in Heavenly Father and if I were in a better place emotionally and physically, then this wouldn't be a problem and I'd have been ready to accept the calling. I just don't know.
How much of what I'm experiencing is fine, and how much is something I need to work on? Are my fears and worries legitimate, in terms of taking care of Elijah and Abigail, timing nursing, keeping her close and so on, or are they things that, if I was better at trusting in Heavenly Father, I could manage quite easily? Did my panicky and anxious feeling arise from the spirit telling me it was wrong and to flee from the situation, or were they the product of my own qualms, and my overly-emotional, pregnant self?
I feel so confused about it all. And raw. And hurt. And Matt feels upset because he worries that he shouldn't have said anything to me and he caused that hurt in me when it wasn't right, and he's disappointed because I didn't say 'yes' (although he gives me credit for also not saying 'no') because to us we've always been of the mind that you always say 'yes' to a calling, whether inspired or not, so it's all quite confusing. And I feel rotten for taking the sparkle out of his eye. Because, regardless of what he says, he was excited to extend me the call.
Anyway, my heart hurts right now, and I'm not over the situation(s) yet. And I still don't know if this 'cold' is a cold or the product of my 2 hours spent sobbing this weekend.
1) Whether my meltdowns of epic proportions have been legit or entirely pregnancy/hormone-induced, and
2) If the cold I feel like I now have is really just the after-effects of the heavy heavy sobbing I've been partaking of on a near-daily basis.
Here's what been going on.
Matt is going away this coming weekend. I hate when he goes away anyway, but I've been especially worried about this one because it's the first time he'll have gone away for any period of time since Elijah has been born. I was already worried about the fact that I won't have my 5:15pm relief a la Matthew every day, and that we miss the Saturday too. I was worried as well about church on Sunday because, even though Matt's on the stand for sacrament, I really depend on him through the other portions of the meeting.
I was also worried because I hate being home alone.
I was especially worried about the emotional trauma that will be inflicted on me when Elijah looks for Matt in the mornings, and walks around crying for daddy.
But still, it's just a weekend, and then it'll be done, right?
Except, I just found out on Saturday that Jeff and Carol (mom and dad...) will be gone for the weekend too. What's worse is that I found out through mom off-handedly asking me to water her flowers and look after Sheba while they're gone.
And all I can say is, You have to be kidding me. The one thing that made the prospect of this weekend remotely bearable is the fact that I'd have help and relief and security in the fact that mom and dad are just next door. But no, no they won't be. So now I'll be all alone on this big property in the middle of the country with no help, no relief, AND I have to figure out how to water the massive amount of flowers while keeping Elijah from running all over the place? That will be impossible. I'm stressed and upset just thinking about the flowers, let alone everything else. No help at church. No-one to go to next door. 2 houses to think about. Creepy, middle-of-nowhere-with-no-neighbours-I-know-or-trust.
So yeah, I melted down. Only in front of Matt, of course, because it's not mom and dad's fault that their weekend away coincided with Matt's weekend. And it's not Matt's fault that his weekend away coincided with mom and dad's, and he certainly couldn't help that Games Day fell on the Civic Holiday weekend that I wanted to use to go up north and visit my family on Manitoulin for their festival weekend.
I just feel scared, and upset, and I don't know what to do about it. I'm mad because I want to go up north with Matt, and Amanda and Jay are going up this weekend, and we can't go. Well, I could go with Elijah, but that would be terrible. An 8-hour drive (Elijah's longest ever) and an entire weekend with no-one to chase Elijah but 30-week pregnant me? No thanks. Not happening. Nor am I going to go with mom and dad to the Schoen's and be the 5th (and 6th...and a half) wheel to their boating and other adventures, and yet again have to chase Elijah around in an unfamiliar place all by myself (because, much as mom and dad would help, I'd still be stressed, still be following Elijah, still be bearing the brunt of it all.) And so my only other option is to stay home and be scared out of my mind.
And yes, I'm tearing up just thinking about it and writing it.
You know what doesn't help? Farrah is just as alone as I am this weekend, as Dave is going with Matt to Chicago. So you'd think I could hang out with Farrah and we could be miserable together this weekend, right?
Wrong!!
Farrah has family in Burlington she's going to stay with. You know, a place Dana is familiar with. A nice family that doesn't stress you out and drain you just to be around. And, what's more a family that isn't taking off for the weekend on the same weekend her husband is gone.
I feel so very very abandoned.
So I cried and cried and cried some more, and woke up yesterday morning feeling raw and tired and stuffed up.
Then there was yesterday. Yesterday was a whole different story (well, except for the pregnancy hormones.)
For one thing, I found out at 8:15 am that church in Welland was canceled because the air conditioner was broken. Matthew was staying for his meetings though, which meant he didn't get home from Ward Council until 10:15 (it ran late because it could.) So we could either stay home and have our own "church" meetings, go to St. Catharines for the last 2 meetings (not a good idea, considering Elijah-chasing or an unfamiliar nursery for him) or we could go visit my mom and aunt in Beamsville. Except when Matt got home there was no answer at my mom's so we just went next door and hung out there where it was air conditioned. But Rachelle and Terrah were still there, so Elijah was having a rough time, it was busy and hectic, and never felt peaceful enough to have any spiritual meetings/discussion of our own. But then it did calm down for a short time, Rachelle was downstairs putting Terrah down for a nap, and so Matt and I decided to start our "lessons" and discussions.
We began with prayer, and then after the prayer Matthew extended a new calling to me. I was pretty excited about the prospect of having a new calling, and I could tell he was excited to extend it to me (he says he wasn't that excited, but there was a twinkle in his eye.)
Buuut then he told me what the calling was (Sunday School teacher over the investigator class) and I froze. I can't explain it very well, but I'll try anyway. I felt scared. Panicky. Like I can't possibly be a Sunday School teacher when I have a new baby on the way and Elijah not quite in nursery. How was I going to take care of the baby? How was I going to look after her and keep her from being passed around the ward when she is so new and young and susceptible to sicknesses right at the beginning of cold and flu season? What was I going to do the first 3 Sundays after having her where I'm either away or still recovering to the point where I need to sit and relax for a teeny bit and not stand at the front of a classroom leading discussion and teaching people? How was I going to nurse her during sacrament time to make sure I could teach the next hour (every Sunday...) and how was I going to nurse her PERIOD when Matt is on the stand and Jeff and Carol are gone half the Sundays of the month, and I still have a very young Elijah to look after as well? With Elijah it was do-able because sharing time and music time could be switched around so easily. I only did sharing time every 3rd month, and I was easily replaceable when it was my turn to conduct. I can just hear mom now, saying how she had new babies when she was the Relief Society president and she still survived, but even that is different. She doesn't HAVE to teach. She doesn't have to conduct. She doesn't have a 1-hour commitment every single Sunday for an indefinite amount of time.
I guess also in my mind was the fact that, when I was released from Primary, Matt said there were some callings they were considering me for that required me to be Elijah-free. I then said that I wouldn't be baby-free for long, and he said that babies are easier than toddlers to have around and chase because they're not as distracting, so I can still have them with me. In my mind, I was thinking Relief Society teacher, chorister, or even a calling in Young Women where a new baby is not a big distraction (in comparison to Elijah anyway.) I actually thought, Well it can't be Sunday School, then, because Sunday School is just not possible with a newborn.
And then it was Sunday School.
I'm getting things a little out of order now, though. I asked him my questions, eg "How long will this be for?" "Will you be in there with me?" "What am I supposed to do with this baby?" "When am I supposed to start?"
I then told him I'm not going to answer right away, because I felt upset, and wanted to think it through first.
What I really wanted was to calm down and pray about it, because I know that you should never turn down a calling, but I just felt scared and worried and even angry about it. I wanted to pray about it myself and feel what Heavenly Father wanted for me at a time when I wasn't being clouded by all of my other unsettling emotions.
Matt was disappointed, I could tell, so I didn't say anyway. All I could think of were my fears, my "What if's," my hesitations. And it built and built and built. And so when Matt asked me what was making me hesitate at that moment, I burst into tears. I told him all of my fears and worries, and he tried (unsuccessfully) to rebut every one. He assured he could look after our baby, but I didn't want her gone for an hour every week, with him, or especially with mom who will not object if someone grabs the baby out of her arms, and who feels terrible telling people 'no' if they ask to hold her. I want and need to protect her for that first little while, and I can't do that if I'm teaching.
Anway, I lost it. Like, completely.We gathered up the stuff quickly (me still shaking with sobs) and headed back to the apartment where I cried and sobbed some more. I felt so...upset. Scared. Frustrated. Mad at myself. Like I should not be reacting this way, but I felt so darn worried about it all that I just couldn't say yes and move on, I was just...devastated. I cried, too, because I felt like it was my fault, and I should be more righteous and say yes without any hesitation, and cheer up, and so on, but I just couldn't.
Before Matt came back next door (I went quickly ahead of him...I didn't want Rachelle to see me like that) he prayed about the calling extension and felt strongly that it was not right and that it should be retracted. So he came back and told me so, and I felt even more awful. He assured me that it was not my fault, that he felt like they had been too hasty in extending the call, and perhaps they were not as sure as they thought that it was right because, even without me saying yes or no, it was being retracted.
And I of course still blamed it all on myself, and that Heavenly Father was just retracting it because I was such an awful person.
So Matthew emailed Bishop, and he felt to retract it as well, but did not necessarily say it was a mistake. He said that that was the point of the interview process, and that sometimes a calling is extended to make a situation which was not otherwise known to the bishop(ric) known, and that they didn't know I was feeling so overwhelmed and so much anxiety.
And so now I don't know what to think. Part of me feels like it's okay, and I don't need to feel bad about it, that I was feeling all those things anyway, and I'm not this terrible person. But another part of me feels that I should be handling things, and life, and everything better and trust more in Heavenly Father and if I were in a better place emotionally and physically, then this wouldn't be a problem and I'd have been ready to accept the calling. I just don't know.
How much of what I'm experiencing is fine, and how much is something I need to work on? Are my fears and worries legitimate, in terms of taking care of Elijah and Abigail, timing nursing, keeping her close and so on, or are they things that, if I was better at trusting in Heavenly Father, I could manage quite easily? Did my panicky and anxious feeling arise from the spirit telling me it was wrong and to flee from the situation, or were they the product of my own qualms, and my overly-emotional, pregnant self?
I feel so confused about it all. And raw. And hurt. And Matt feels upset because he worries that he shouldn't have said anything to me and he caused that hurt in me when it wasn't right, and he's disappointed because I didn't say 'yes' (although he gives me credit for also not saying 'no') because to us we've always been of the mind that you always say 'yes' to a calling, whether inspired or not, so it's all quite confusing. And I feel rotten for taking the sparkle out of his eye. Because, regardless of what he says, he was excited to extend me the call.
Anyway, my heart hurts right now, and I'm not over the situation(s) yet. And I still don't know if this 'cold' is a cold or the product of my 2 hours spent sobbing this weekend.
Friday, July 22, 2011
Good news
I don't have gestational diabetes! I did the 2-hour blood draw on Tuesday, where they checked my fasting glucose levels, my 1-hour, and my 2-hour levels. My fasting level was slightly elevated, at 5.4 (5.3 is the cut-off) but the other ones weren't even close, and I guess the levels need to be elevated for at least 2 of the 3 blood draws to be considered gestationally diabetic. Phew!
In other news, I went out yesterday Elijah-free, and I had an awesome time with Tiffany and Julia. We got pedicures, had dinner, and then went to Tiffany's for a swim. I came home by 11, thoroughly exhausted and marveling at the fact that 11pm is a late night for me. I missed Elijah and Matt so much though! Especially because Julia had her little baby Megan with her, and couldn't help but marvel at how wonderful her baby was, and I wished so much to see Elijah so I could hug him and kiss him and tell him how wonderful HE is, and that he's actually the cutest baby ever. Except he's getting bigger, and is a little boy now, and soon he'll have a little sister, and I might have to modify that statement to be the cutest little BOY ever.
It's been so disgustingly hot this week, and the apartment was been warm and sweat-inducing, so I've been getting out of the house pretty much every day, even if only for an hour or two. This morning, though, I just couldn't come up with anything to do. Except maybe grocery shopping, which so does not count.
Now I am so incredibly sleepy that I'm having trouble putting 2 coherent and cohesive thoughts together and it's not even Elijah's naptime. And when it IS his naptime, I'll have to close the door to his room, it'll get warm out here, and I won't be able to sleep. SAD!
And just because I was curious, here are the conversions from celsius to fahrenheit for what the temperature has been and felt like lately:
Today - 31 C = 87.8 F, with humidex 36 C = 96.8 F
Yesterday - 36 C = 96.8 F (at least...) with humidex 45 C = 113 F
Insane. And it's not dry, like the desert. You feel Ever. Single. Degree. Luckily for me, I swam twice yesterday.
And now I must make lunch for the E-Man. Soooo sleepy...
In other news, I went out yesterday Elijah-free, and I had an awesome time with Tiffany and Julia. We got pedicures, had dinner, and then went to Tiffany's for a swim. I came home by 11, thoroughly exhausted and marveling at the fact that 11pm is a late night for me. I missed Elijah and Matt so much though! Especially because Julia had her little baby Megan with her, and couldn't help but marvel at how wonderful her baby was, and I wished so much to see Elijah so I could hug him and kiss him and tell him how wonderful HE is, and that he's actually the cutest baby ever. Except he's getting bigger, and is a little boy now, and soon he'll have a little sister, and I might have to modify that statement to be the cutest little BOY ever.
It's been so disgustingly hot this week, and the apartment was been warm and sweat-inducing, so I've been getting out of the house pretty much every day, even if only for an hour or two. This morning, though, I just couldn't come up with anything to do. Except maybe grocery shopping, which so does not count.
Now I am so incredibly sleepy that I'm having trouble putting 2 coherent and cohesive thoughts together and it's not even Elijah's naptime. And when it IS his naptime, I'll have to close the door to his room, it'll get warm out here, and I won't be able to sleep. SAD!
And just because I was curious, here are the conversions from celsius to fahrenheit for what the temperature has been and felt like lately:
Today - 31 C = 87.8 F, with humidex 36 C = 96.8 F
Yesterday - 36 C = 96.8 F (at least...) with humidex 45 C = 113 F
Insane. And it's not dry, like the desert. You feel Ever. Single. Degree. Luckily for me, I swam twice yesterday.
And now I must make lunch for the E-Man. Soooo sleepy...
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
29w0d
How Far Along: 29w0d
Weight Gain: Between 14 and 15 lb's
Stretch Marks: I think I'm going to take this questions off, as at some point I will have them, and I'm sure I'll mention it. In the meantime, it's getting a little old.
Maternity Clothes: I bought a new maternity swimsuit top and cover-up the other day and I love it! I paired it with some non-maternity string bottoms (that mostly get covered anyway) and it looks much cuter than my last swimsuit.
Symptoms: Random cramps, racing heart, stuffy nose, BH contractions.
Sleep: Ugh...it's been so hot and sticky that sleep seems impossible lately, although I think that'd be the case whether I was pregnant or not.
Best Moment of the Week: This might sound funny, but going to the local zoo and splash pad was pretty great on Friday, because when I went last year, I was actually saddened by the multitude of pregnant bellies. I would never want anyone to feel the sadness and confusion I felt, but at the same time I was very happy to be the one there with the belly this year. Also, going on a date with Matt on Monday and seeing Harry Potter 7 part 2 was awesome. And seeing Julia some more. And buying my beloved Ergo. And Elijah squealing and talking all sweet to the dogs at Julia's parents'. It's been a good week, crummy emotions notwithstanding.
Movement: Yes. (again, I don't know how to answer this one today)
Food cravings: French fries from NY Fries with gravy on the side
Gender: A girl!
What I Miss: Nothing in particular
What I’m Looking Forward To: Going for pedicures and some girly time together tomorrow with Julia and Tiffany, using my new Ergo once this little girl comes! Oh, and test-driving a van today. I hope we get it, I really do, but I'm trying to not hope too much for it.
Milestones: Well, for some reason being in week 29 feels like a milestone, I think because it's the last week of the 20's. I remember being so excited to say I'm in the 20's, and I'm equally excited to be in the 30's. It's starting to feel so close. Also, yesterday marked 3 months until 2 weeks past my due date. In my mind, this baby will go late like Elijah did, and so even if she goes overdue by 2 weeks, she'll still be born in less than 3 months' time! Of course I hope it'll be more like 2.5 months, but even THAT seems like little time!
Emotions: Ugh, I am officially disgusted with my emotions. I have been insane. INSANE. I often feel like crap, emotionally speaking anyway, and I try to figure out why, because it just feels so real and I usually refuse to pass it off as just being hormonal, so I think of something that MUST be why I'm feeling a certain way, my mind seizes on it, runs with it, and before long I've created a problem, or made a big deal of something that actually is very small. Then I get all worked up, have a good sob about it, and feel a lot better, and realize that it was only hormones all along, because the so-called problem doesn't seem so grim anymore, and I'm not in the least mad or upset. All I (apparently) needed was a good, hard cry. Poor Matt though, he deals with the brunt of this, and I feel guilty for being so...unpredictable. Or maybe unstable. It's quite awful.
Belly Photo (yeah, I added this as a question!): I feel like my stomach is not growing in size. Like, at all. I'm vaguely concerned, because I also haven't been gaining much weight these last few weeks, but I'm not too upset about it, because I know that the appearance of my belly and the 1 lb I did not gain this week are really not good indicators of how my baby is doing. Also, I seem to remember the MW saying with Elijah that, some women show smaller because the babies fit into their pelvis really well, or their bodies cradle the baby nice and snug. It's possible that she's just made her way head-down, and is now fitting better than she did before. At any rate, I feel like I've "caught up" to how big I was at this point with Elijah, whereas the rest of this pregnancy I've been huge in comparison.
So, belly photo time. I've been pretty worried lately that the belly is actually shrinking in size, but then I took a photo (at 29w4d, yeah, 4 days after this original post) and compared it to belly photos from this pregnancy, and it's way bigger! It just sticks out a lot more, and is this cute, little, stinking-out thing. I can't describe it very well, so here's the photo:
Anyway, my ergo. It's beautiful! Here's a picture from their website:
[caption id="attachment_916" align="aligncenter" width="200" caption="**LOVE**"]
[/caption]
I bought it off Kijiji, and it came with the infant insert that actually is matching and starry. It ended up costing $120. which is how much the Ergo website has it listed at, but their price doesn't include shipping or the insert, so it'd have cost me an extra $40-50. There's a store in my town that sells them, but again, they're more expensive, and they charge $30 for the insert! Scandalous. So I did get a good deal, albeit not as good as from Babysteals, where they were selling them half-price. BUT I didn't get there in time, so whatever. This is actually the one I wanted anyway, and it was the one on kijiji! Yay!
I decided that this (the Ergo) was going to be my one, just-for-me, baby purchase. Something I wanted just because, that we didn't need for this second baby. There are other things I was considering, like a new bedding set, but we're just borrowing Farrah's instead (which is in great condition, and cute anyway.)
So now I'm trying to figure out what there is left to buy. Here's the list I've come up with:
I don't really know what clothes I need. I know I have a ton of sleepers, like, enough to last the first 0-3 month stretch, but I don't know how many I have because it's all in boxes and I don't have the dresser we'll be using yet.
Also, I know we need a double stroller, but Farrah has one that she said she could give me to use by October. She figured that, by then anyway, Dana would be good to use a sit-and-stand stroller, and then I could use this Graco double. But, while I know we're still 2.5 months away, I feel like she's not going to be ready to give it up at that time, and there is no way I'm going to remind her of it, I feel like it'd be rude. So in the meantime, I just wait. It's really not that pressing a concern. If the baby comes and we don't have a stroller, I could check with her then, and if not, buy one. No biggie.
So yeah! I feel like we're doing pretty well, readiness wise. I'm not stressed in the least. I do, however, want to get moving on it, just because I'm excited, and I can't yet because we haven't taken possession of the downstairs apartment yet. So, we wait.
Anyway, Elijah is up from his nap now, and he needs lunch, so off I go!
Weight Gain: Between 14 and 15 lb's
Stretch Marks: I think I'm going to take this questions off, as at some point I will have them, and I'm sure I'll mention it. In the meantime, it's getting a little old.
Maternity Clothes: I bought a new maternity swimsuit top and cover-up the other day and I love it! I paired it with some non-maternity string bottoms (that mostly get covered anyway) and it looks much cuter than my last swimsuit.
Symptoms: Random cramps, racing heart, stuffy nose, BH contractions.
Sleep: Ugh...it's been so hot and sticky that sleep seems impossible lately, although I think that'd be the case whether I was pregnant or not.
Best Moment of the Week: This might sound funny, but going to the local zoo and splash pad was pretty great on Friday, because when I went last year, I was actually saddened by the multitude of pregnant bellies. I would never want anyone to feel the sadness and confusion I felt, but at the same time I was very happy to be the one there with the belly this year. Also, going on a date with Matt on Monday and seeing Harry Potter 7 part 2 was awesome. And seeing Julia some more. And buying my beloved Ergo. And Elijah squealing and talking all sweet to the dogs at Julia's parents'. It's been a good week, crummy emotions notwithstanding.
Movement: Yes. (again, I don't know how to answer this one today)
Food cravings: French fries from NY Fries with gravy on the side
Gender: A girl!
What I Miss: Nothing in particular
What I’m Looking Forward To: Going for pedicures and some girly time together tomorrow with Julia and Tiffany, using my new Ergo once this little girl comes! Oh, and test-driving a van today. I hope we get it, I really do, but I'm trying to not hope too much for it.
Milestones: Well, for some reason being in week 29 feels like a milestone, I think because it's the last week of the 20's. I remember being so excited to say I'm in the 20's, and I'm equally excited to be in the 30's. It's starting to feel so close. Also, yesterday marked 3 months until 2 weeks past my due date. In my mind, this baby will go late like Elijah did, and so even if she goes overdue by 2 weeks, she'll still be born in less than 3 months' time! Of course I hope it'll be more like 2.5 months, but even THAT seems like little time!
Emotions: Ugh, I am officially disgusted with my emotions. I have been insane. INSANE. I often feel like crap, emotionally speaking anyway, and I try to figure out why, because it just feels so real and I usually refuse to pass it off as just being hormonal, so I think of something that MUST be why I'm feeling a certain way, my mind seizes on it, runs with it, and before long I've created a problem, or made a big deal of something that actually is very small. Then I get all worked up, have a good sob about it, and feel a lot better, and realize that it was only hormones all along, because the so-called problem doesn't seem so grim anymore, and I'm not in the least mad or upset. All I (apparently) needed was a good, hard cry. Poor Matt though, he deals with the brunt of this, and I feel guilty for being so...unpredictable. Or maybe unstable. It's quite awful.
Belly Photo (yeah, I added this as a question!): I feel like my stomach is not growing in size. Like, at all. I'm vaguely concerned, because I also haven't been gaining much weight these last few weeks, but I'm not too upset about it, because I know that the appearance of my belly and the 1 lb I did not gain this week are really not good indicators of how my baby is doing. Also, I seem to remember the MW saying with Elijah that, some women show smaller because the babies fit into their pelvis really well, or their bodies cradle the baby nice and snug. It's possible that she's just made her way head-down, and is now fitting better than she did before. At any rate, I feel like I've "caught up" to how big I was at this point with Elijah, whereas the rest of this pregnancy I've been huge in comparison.
So, belly photo time. I've been pretty worried lately that the belly is actually shrinking in size, but then I took a photo (at 29w4d, yeah, 4 days after this original post) and compared it to belly photos from this pregnancy, and it's way bigger! It just sticks out a lot more, and is this cute, little, stinking-out thing. I can't describe it very well, so here's the photo:
Anyway, my ergo. It's beautiful! Here's a picture from their website:
[caption id="attachment_916" align="aligncenter" width="200" caption="**LOVE**"]
[/caption]I bought it off Kijiji, and it came with the infant insert that actually is matching and starry. It ended up costing $120. which is how much the Ergo website has it listed at, but their price doesn't include shipping or the insert, so it'd have cost me an extra $40-50. There's a store in my town that sells them, but again, they're more expensive, and they charge $30 for the insert! Scandalous. So I did get a good deal, albeit not as good as from Babysteals, where they were selling them half-price. BUT I didn't get there in time, so whatever. This is actually the one I wanted anyway, and it was the one on kijiji! Yay!
I decided that this (the Ergo) was going to be my one, just-for-me, baby purchase. Something I wanted just because, that we didn't need for this second baby. There are other things I was considering, like a new bedding set, but we're just borrowing Farrah's instead (which is in great condition, and cute anyway.)
So now I'm trying to figure out what there is left to buy. Here's the list I've come up with:
- crib mattress
- receiving blankets
- carseat cover (well....we don't need this either per se, I just want something that's not plastered in blue. But we'll see.)
- diapers
- little things like soothers, Lansinoh, breast pads, etc
I don't really know what clothes I need. I know I have a ton of sleepers, like, enough to last the first 0-3 month stretch, but I don't know how many I have because it's all in boxes and I don't have the dresser we'll be using yet.
Also, I know we need a double stroller, but Farrah has one that she said she could give me to use by October. She figured that, by then anyway, Dana would be good to use a sit-and-stand stroller, and then I could use this Graco double. But, while I know we're still 2.5 months away, I feel like she's not going to be ready to give it up at that time, and there is no way I'm going to remind her of it, I feel like it'd be rude. So in the meantime, I just wait. It's really not that pressing a concern. If the baby comes and we don't have a stroller, I could check with her then, and if not, buy one. No biggie.
So yeah! I feel like we're doing pretty well, readiness wise. I'm not stressed in the least. I do, however, want to get moving on it, just because I'm excited, and I can't yet because we haven't taken possession of the downstairs apartment yet. So, we wait.
Anyway, Elijah is up from his nap now, and he needs lunch, so off I go!
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Fasting...
I'm going in this morning for my 3-hour GD test, and I've been fasting since last night at 10:30 for it. Fasting and pregnancy reeeeally don't mix well! I feel that everything will be fine, but I'm still anxious.
Also, it's really hard to resist eating yummy food when I'm feeding it to my son. For example, the delicious crusty rolls we had with dinner yesterday...mmmm...
Oh well, 3-4 hours from now, it'll be done. And you can bet I'm bringing snacks so I don't faint on the drive home!
I wonder if I can sneak a tic-tac in after the drink again, or if that'd affect my levels too much...?
Also, it's really hard to resist eating yummy food when I'm feeding it to my son. For example, the delicious crusty rolls we had with dinner yesterday...mmmm...
Oh well, 3-4 hours from now, it'll be done. And you can bet I'm bringing snacks so I don't faint on the drive home!
I wonder if I can sneak a tic-tac in after the drink again, or if that'd affect my levels too much...?
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Elijah
Well, I went to the appointment with the speech pathologist on Wednesday, and it was...interesting. I want to say it was bad, but it really wasn't. I just wish Elijah weren't behind, and the appointment confirmed that he is.
Of course, it's hard to assess an 18-month-old's speech in the short 30-40 minutes that she was meeting with us, so the main part of the test was actually her asking me questions of things that he did. Some examples are:
-would you say he understands at least 50 words? (I estimated more like 30 words)
-can he point to 4-6 body parts? (he can do ears, when he's in the mood. Sometimes nose.)
-does he point to pictures in a book when reading together? (nope, he likes to turn the pages really fast...)
-does he begin routines when prompted verbally? (eg - when you say "it's bath-time" does he go to the bathroom/tub? I answered 'no')
-does he imitate words that we say, even if he doesn't know what they mean? (nope, he's never even imitated sounds, let alone words.)
And so on and so on. Also on the list was if he could say at least 20 words. The obvious answer to that is 'no' because he has yet to say his first word.
It was discouraging, to say the least, and what makes it more frustrating is that nobody seems to be as worried about it as I am (except the SLP, who has said that he qualifies for treatment.)
There was good news too, though. The first is that, 'normal' development has a +/- 3-6 month range, which would put Elijah back at 12 months. Given that a 12-month old may or may not even have their first word, he's okay.
Also, the SLP said that one question she asks herself when doing these meetings is, "Is he on a different developmental path, or is just behind on the normal path?" As in, is his speech developing in a way that is typical for someone with autism, or is he simply behind his peers on the 'normal' path of development. She said that there is nothing to indicate that he is anything but normal, he's just behind. So that's reassuring.
She also noted that he has good eye-contact, joint attention, and turn-taking skills when playing. Which I know is good in terms of developing normally, so yay to that as well.
In short, however, he is delayed in both expressive and comprehensive language. **sigh**
So, there are things we're working on doing, in the time between now and getting in to treatment (which could take 9 months...) One of these things is pointing to everything. And I mean everything. Label everything (to some extent) but also pick the words that we're focusing on, so that he's not hearing 1000 words in a day just once or twice. Also, we're to give him choices, like, "juice or phone?" even if we know what he wants. Then, instead of reaching for the one he wants, he's to point to it. We're to shape his hand into a point, and already he's picking up on pointing to everything lately. In just 4 days! It's progress, and I'm pleased.
There are other things, but they've slipped my mind for the moment. It's funny though, because, since that appointment, I've been noticing more of what Elijah actually does do. I think he understands more than 30 words, and I'm going to start counting them. It might even be close to 50! He imitates actions a lot. Like this morning, I took a toy box and started slapping the side like a drum, and he immediately copied me. Then I took a baby toy and shook it up and down, gave it to him, and he immediately did so as well.
Anyway, I'm feeling more optimistic about it now, but I really really hate this. It's scary to think that he'll always be behind, to worry that he'll never ever speak, because he never really has. I hope that the sound that he's making are the sounds that usually precede that first word around 12 months old, but I'll have to look it up. I'm just hoping and praying he'll be okay.
And, just so I don't look back on this some day and only remember the things he doesn't do, I'm going to list a few of my favourite things that he DOES do.
-he reaches up to be picked up, even if he's just using us to get to the phone. When he's reaching, he does this cute thing with his mouth that I can't even begin to describe, but I love it. The closest I can come to describing it is putting your lips together in an 'o' and then saying "yea yea yea yea..."
-he has a phone voice that is completely different from any other voice I ever hear him use. It sounds more manly and macho, and I wonder if he gets it from his daddy.
-he's been really cuddly lately, and when he cuddles, he rests his head on your shoulder, and reaches with his arms, so that he's holding on to both of your arms at once.
-he stands underneath the plants on the deck after they've been watered, and lets the water drip all over him. Whenever he sees Nana outside, he points through the deck rails and says, "Da!" in this self-satisfied voice, like he's saying, "Look! I know her!"
-he stands in the bathtub, and while that isn't cute, his little teeny waist with his big barrel chest is soooo adorable! He looks like a body-builder, with the upside-down triangle torso.
-when I'm changing his diaper, he likes to grab my left arm and pull it against his face, or he grabs my hand and covers his face with it until I squeeze his cheeks a few times, and then he'll let go.
-when he put him down to bed, it used to be that he'd lay down and let me put the blanket on him, and would afterwards pull it off and bunch it up, but now, as soon as I put him down, he shoots up to the sitting position, bunches the blanket in a ball in his lap, and then flops over on his face, sleeping on, or hugging his blanket.
-every morning when I go to make the bed, when I fold the soft blue blanket we use, he has to run over and throw himself into it, pulling it out of my hands and rolling around in it. It's actually impossible to fold this blanket when he's around, so I usually stop what I'm doing and water the flowers on the deck to distract him.
-he's been doing really really well at church the last month and a half or so, and we haven't had to take him out at all lately. He likes to play with Papa, play with his boxes, read a book, play with his trains, and eat his snacks.
-every time we pull the highchair out he runs away laughing, and hides in a corner until we come and get him to feed him his meal, even if seconds before we pulled the chair out, he was trying to snitch food off the table
-he loves trying to use a cup and drink water, but mostly he tosses the whole cup in his face at once, so we can only give him a little bit of water at a time. If he drinks out of our glasses, he'll take a sip, go in for another one, then stop at the last second and, quick as lightning, stick his hand in the water, or juice, or pop, whatever it is we're drinking!
There is so much more this little boy does that absolutely makes my day, but my back is hurting and I need to get out of this computer chair, so I'll save it for another day.
Of course, it's hard to assess an 18-month-old's speech in the short 30-40 minutes that she was meeting with us, so the main part of the test was actually her asking me questions of things that he did. Some examples are:
-would you say he understands at least 50 words? (I estimated more like 30 words)
-can he point to 4-6 body parts? (he can do ears, when he's in the mood. Sometimes nose.)
-does he point to pictures in a book when reading together? (nope, he likes to turn the pages really fast...)
-does he begin routines when prompted verbally? (eg - when you say "it's bath-time" does he go to the bathroom/tub? I answered 'no')
-does he imitate words that we say, even if he doesn't know what they mean? (nope, he's never even imitated sounds, let alone words.)
And so on and so on. Also on the list was if he could say at least 20 words. The obvious answer to that is 'no' because he has yet to say his first word.
It was discouraging, to say the least, and what makes it more frustrating is that nobody seems to be as worried about it as I am (except the SLP, who has said that he qualifies for treatment.)
There was good news too, though. The first is that, 'normal' development has a +/- 3-6 month range, which would put Elijah back at 12 months. Given that a 12-month old may or may not even have their first word, he's okay.
Also, the SLP said that one question she asks herself when doing these meetings is, "Is he on a different developmental path, or is just behind on the normal path?" As in, is his speech developing in a way that is typical for someone with autism, or is he simply behind his peers on the 'normal' path of development. She said that there is nothing to indicate that he is anything but normal, he's just behind. So that's reassuring.
She also noted that he has good eye-contact, joint attention, and turn-taking skills when playing. Which I know is good in terms of developing normally, so yay to that as well.
In short, however, he is delayed in both expressive and comprehensive language. **sigh**
So, there are things we're working on doing, in the time between now and getting in to treatment (which could take 9 months...) One of these things is pointing to everything. And I mean everything. Label everything (to some extent) but also pick the words that we're focusing on, so that he's not hearing 1000 words in a day just once or twice. Also, we're to give him choices, like, "juice or phone?" even if we know what he wants. Then, instead of reaching for the one he wants, he's to point to it. We're to shape his hand into a point, and already he's picking up on pointing to everything lately. In just 4 days! It's progress, and I'm pleased.
There are other things, but they've slipped my mind for the moment. It's funny though, because, since that appointment, I've been noticing more of what Elijah actually does do. I think he understands more than 30 words, and I'm going to start counting them. It might even be close to 50! He imitates actions a lot. Like this morning, I took a toy box and started slapping the side like a drum, and he immediately copied me. Then I took a baby toy and shook it up and down, gave it to him, and he immediately did so as well.
Anyway, I'm feeling more optimistic about it now, but I really really hate this. It's scary to think that he'll always be behind, to worry that he'll never ever speak, because he never really has. I hope that the sound that he's making are the sounds that usually precede that first word around 12 months old, but I'll have to look it up. I'm just hoping and praying he'll be okay.
And, just so I don't look back on this some day and only remember the things he doesn't do, I'm going to list a few of my favourite things that he DOES do.
-he reaches up to be picked up, even if he's just using us to get to the phone. When he's reaching, he does this cute thing with his mouth that I can't even begin to describe, but I love it. The closest I can come to describing it is putting your lips together in an 'o' and then saying "yea yea yea yea..."
-he has a phone voice that is completely different from any other voice I ever hear him use. It sounds more manly and macho, and I wonder if he gets it from his daddy.
-he's been really cuddly lately, and when he cuddles, he rests his head on your shoulder, and reaches with his arms, so that he's holding on to both of your arms at once.
-he stands underneath the plants on the deck after they've been watered, and lets the water drip all over him. Whenever he sees Nana outside, he points through the deck rails and says, "Da!" in this self-satisfied voice, like he's saying, "Look! I know her!"
-he stands in the bathtub, and while that isn't cute, his little teeny waist with his big barrel chest is soooo adorable! He looks like a body-builder, with the upside-down triangle torso.
-when I'm changing his diaper, he likes to grab my left arm and pull it against his face, or he grabs my hand and covers his face with it until I squeeze his cheeks a few times, and then he'll let go.
-when he put him down to bed, it used to be that he'd lay down and let me put the blanket on him, and would afterwards pull it off and bunch it up, but now, as soon as I put him down, he shoots up to the sitting position, bunches the blanket in a ball in his lap, and then flops over on his face, sleeping on, or hugging his blanket.
-every morning when I go to make the bed, when I fold the soft blue blanket we use, he has to run over and throw himself into it, pulling it out of my hands and rolling around in it. It's actually impossible to fold this blanket when he's around, so I usually stop what I'm doing and water the flowers on the deck to distract him.
-he's been doing really really well at church the last month and a half or so, and we haven't had to take him out at all lately. He likes to play with Papa, play with his boxes, read a book, play with his trains, and eat his snacks.
-every time we pull the highchair out he runs away laughing, and hides in a corner until we come and get him to feed him his meal, even if seconds before we pulled the chair out, he was trying to snitch food off the table
-he loves trying to use a cup and drink water, but mostly he tosses the whole cup in his face at once, so we can only give him a little bit of water at a time. If he drinks out of our glasses, he'll take a sip, go in for another one, then stop at the last second and, quick as lightning, stick his hand in the water, or juice, or pop, whatever it is we're drinking!
There is so much more this little boy does that absolutely makes my day, but my back is hurting and I need to get out of this computer chair, so I'll save it for another day.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
28w0d - A.K.A. Third Trimester!
How Far Along: 28w0d
Weight Gain: 14.5lb’s (I guess it fluctuates a lot week-to-week?
Stretch Marks: Just the old white ones from Elijah
Maternity Clothes: Totally
Symptoms: Easily winded, stuffy nose, tiredness, occasional heart palpitations, backache
Sleep: Can not get enough of it!
Best Moment of the Week: Today, hitting 28 weeks. Also, swimming yesterday morning at Dave and Farrah's.
Movement: It's just started to become the rolls and rippling rather than the staccato-like jabs. Fun!
Food cravings: Milk, french fries
Gender: A girl!
What I Miss: Chocolate
What I’m Looking Forward To: My next appointment in 2 weeks. I know it was a good idea for my psyche to make it 4 weeks rather than 2 between these two appointments, because time would be dragging that much more right now, but seriously, it feels like it's taking forever to get to my next one. I'm also looking forward to just being in the 30's.
Milestones: Third trimester, no doubt about it! Some people say 26.6 weeks along, others say 27 weeks, others still 28 weeks. I'm of the camp that it's 28 weeks, and haven't felt like I'm truly 3rd tri until now. And so, to commemorate being in the home stretch, I woke up this morning with a backache that would not let me fall back asleep.
Emotions: Irritated and overwhelmed. I feel like there is so much to deal with right now, and I'm afraid I've been rather short with Matthew lately. We're going away this weekend, and while I'm looking forward to being up north, I'm really not looking forward to going up north. A part of me can't help but feel a little irritated as to the timing of it all, too. We wanted to go up when my sister and her husband were going, and I would have liked to go on the civic holiday in a couple weeks, but Matt's going away to Games Day then, which bothers me, but not enough to not let him go. I know it's important for him to go, but now there's all this drama about taking Friday and Monday off work, in addition to the fact that I need to go one morning next week to do the GD 3-hour test, and I wanted to go out another day next week at 3:30 or so to spend some time with Julia and Tiffany, as Julia is visiting from Calgary for the next 4 weeks. Anyway, I don't mean to whine. It probably doesn't help that Elijah woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, and is walking around whining. Bleh! I'm hoping the day gets better!
I'll do an update photo later, as I need to hop in the shower in a few minutes, so I have to make the rest of this quick.
**Post edit - here's the photo**
We have Elijah's appointment with the speech pathologist this morning at 10:30, and I'm rather anxious about it. I'm still so worried that he'll never speak. He's now 17.5 months old, and still no first word! I'm worried about what the SLP will say, how guilty they'll try to make me feel, how much more overwhelmed I'll potentially be, leaving today. I'm just hoping and praying it goes well.
Aaaaand on that happy note, I must finish this! Sorry to be a downer, I guess I'm not feeling very puppies and rainbows this morning.
Weight Gain: 14.5lb’s (I guess it fluctuates a lot week-to-week?
Stretch Marks: Just the old white ones from Elijah
Maternity Clothes: Totally
Symptoms: Easily winded, stuffy nose, tiredness, occasional heart palpitations, backache
Sleep: Can not get enough of it!
Best Moment of the Week: Today, hitting 28 weeks. Also, swimming yesterday morning at Dave and Farrah's.
Movement: It's just started to become the rolls and rippling rather than the staccato-like jabs. Fun!
Food cravings: Milk, french fries
Gender: A girl!
What I Miss: Chocolate
What I’m Looking Forward To: My next appointment in 2 weeks. I know it was a good idea for my psyche to make it 4 weeks rather than 2 between these two appointments, because time would be dragging that much more right now, but seriously, it feels like it's taking forever to get to my next one. I'm also looking forward to just being in the 30's.
Milestones: Third trimester, no doubt about it! Some people say 26.6 weeks along, others say 27 weeks, others still 28 weeks. I'm of the camp that it's 28 weeks, and haven't felt like I'm truly 3rd tri until now. And so, to commemorate being in the home stretch, I woke up this morning with a backache that would not let me fall back asleep.
Emotions: Irritated and overwhelmed. I feel like there is so much to deal with right now, and I'm afraid I've been rather short with Matthew lately. We're going away this weekend, and while I'm looking forward to being up north, I'm really not looking forward to going up north. A part of me can't help but feel a little irritated as to the timing of it all, too. We wanted to go up when my sister and her husband were going, and I would have liked to go on the civic holiday in a couple weeks, but Matt's going away to Games Day then, which bothers me, but not enough to not let him go. I know it's important for him to go, but now there's all this drama about taking Friday and Monday off work, in addition to the fact that I need to go one morning next week to do the GD 3-hour test, and I wanted to go out another day next week at 3:30 or so to spend some time with Julia and Tiffany, as Julia is visiting from Calgary for the next 4 weeks. Anyway, I don't mean to whine. It probably doesn't help that Elijah woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning, and is walking around whining. Bleh! I'm hoping the day gets better!
I'll do an update photo later, as I need to hop in the shower in a few minutes, so I have to make the rest of this quick.
**Post edit - here's the photo**
We have Elijah's appointment with the speech pathologist this morning at 10:30, and I'm rather anxious about it. I'm still so worried that he'll never speak. He's now 17.5 months old, and still no first word! I'm worried about what the SLP will say, how guilty they'll try to make me feel, how much more overwhelmed I'll potentially be, leaving today. I'm just hoping and praying it goes well.
Aaaaand on that happy note, I must finish this! Sorry to be a downer, I guess I'm not feeling very puppies and rainbows this morning.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Postural Hypotension? Who knows...
I kept feeling a little funny off and on throughout the day yesterday, but thankfully it went away by the evening.
At church, I told Farrah about how I was feeling, and apart from being a nurse, she also experienced the exact same thing with her daughter, talked to the midwives about it, and found out that it has a name, and that what I'm likely experiencing is postural hypotension, which is to say that a posture change can momentarily give me hypotension.
I don't know if I'll get this right at all, but apparently hypotension has something to do with my blood pressure dropping suddenly, and my heart needing to make up for it. It makes sense, really, why I felt like my heart was racing when it wasn't even beating fast (when I would check my pulse.) It was beating like normal, but even normal meant extra work. Farrah asked if the feelings were akin to having a panic-attack, and while I've never had one, I realized that it was exactly how I'd pictured a panic-attack to be, with the tension in my chest and everything.
Soooo yeah. It hasn't bothered me since yesterday, but if it bothers me again by tomorrow, then I'll mention it at the midwives when I go to pick up my iron pills and my bloodwork req.
Tonight we have my friend Sandra and her husband Adam coming over for dinner. Sandra and I have known eachother for almost our whole lives, dating back to when my family moved in next door to Sandra's when we were 4. She and Adam live in Florida now, but they're up for a visit, and we can't wait to have them over! It's too bad the weather is so humid and muggy though, as we were planning on having a bonfire, and that seems like a terrible idea now that it's 32 degrees celsius, without the humidity, which puts is at 38. Oh well.
Also exciting to me is some newly made plans to go to Dave and Farrah's Wednesday night for dinner and a swim with them, Ron and Julia, and maybe even Elizabeth and Neal (if they can come. So, Elizabeth, if you still read this, COME!) I love it though, because it's a bunch of my favourite people, all in one place!
Anyway, that's about it for now, both on the pregnancy and life-ish front. Oh wait, no it's not! Matthew, Elijah and I are going up north this weekend! It's the longest trip we'll have ever taken together (3 whole nights away! **GASP**) and I'm more than a little anxious about the drive, as it's 6.5 hours with Elijah in the car, and the longest he's ever done is 4. And that was a struggle. But, I'm still looking forward to it, as it means we'll finally, after 7 years of being together, be going up north to see my family and all the places I know and loved growing up. You can bet we'll be getting ice-cream from the place I used to work at, and fish and chips, and there'll probably be some good garage-sale-ing going on.
And here's something else pregnancy-related that is worth noting. I have been having a lot of random crampy pains lately. I usually chalk it up to uterine growing pains, but the other day they seemed to come and go and come and go, so I started trying to time them, but then they went away for good. It was worrisome, and I don't know quite what to make of it. I'm feeling better with each passing day, and I can't wait to hit my next milestone of 28 weeks. Next big one after that is 32, although the 30's will be exciting, and I also have an appointment then. It's funny though, because I feel sooo very pregnant lately, like, how big and pregnant I felt when I was 36+ weeks with Elijah, and I'm nowhere near that. I hope everything is okay in there with Baby Girl. I'm getting so excited to meet her, but I'm trying to not think about that too much, and just enjoy the moment. Being pregnant is a wonderful gift and I truly love it, aches, pains and all. Having this one-on-one time with Elijah is wonderful too, and my love for him is growing so much. He is the silliest, handsomest little boy I've ever seen, and I'm glad that I'm having a girl, because for the time being I don't need to alter that statement. ;) It's seriously hard imagining this baby being cuter than Elijah though. He's just...Elijah. And I love him.
The end. (hahaha, lame ending to that rambler of a paragraph.)
At church, I told Farrah about how I was feeling, and apart from being a nurse, she also experienced the exact same thing with her daughter, talked to the midwives about it, and found out that it has a name, and that what I'm likely experiencing is postural hypotension, which is to say that a posture change can momentarily give me hypotension.
I don't know if I'll get this right at all, but apparently hypotension has something to do with my blood pressure dropping suddenly, and my heart needing to make up for it. It makes sense, really, why I felt like my heart was racing when it wasn't even beating fast (when I would check my pulse.) It was beating like normal, but even normal meant extra work. Farrah asked if the feelings were akin to having a panic-attack, and while I've never had one, I realized that it was exactly how I'd pictured a panic-attack to be, with the tension in my chest and everything.
Soooo yeah. It hasn't bothered me since yesterday, but if it bothers me again by tomorrow, then I'll mention it at the midwives when I go to pick up my iron pills and my bloodwork req.
Tonight we have my friend Sandra and her husband Adam coming over for dinner. Sandra and I have known eachother for almost our whole lives, dating back to when my family moved in next door to Sandra's when we were 4. She and Adam live in Florida now, but they're up for a visit, and we can't wait to have them over! It's too bad the weather is so humid and muggy though, as we were planning on having a bonfire, and that seems like a terrible idea now that it's 32 degrees celsius, without the humidity, which puts is at 38. Oh well.
Also exciting to me is some newly made plans to go to Dave and Farrah's Wednesday night for dinner and a swim with them, Ron and Julia, and maybe even Elizabeth and Neal (if they can come. So, Elizabeth, if you still read this, COME!) I love it though, because it's a bunch of my favourite people, all in one place!
Anyway, that's about it for now, both on the pregnancy and life-ish front. Oh wait, no it's not! Matthew, Elijah and I are going up north this weekend! It's the longest trip we'll have ever taken together (3 whole nights away! **GASP**) and I'm more than a little anxious about the drive, as it's 6.5 hours with Elijah in the car, and the longest he's ever done is 4. And that was a struggle. But, I'm still looking forward to it, as it means we'll finally, after 7 years of being together, be going up north to see my family and all the places I know and loved growing up. You can bet we'll be getting ice-cream from the place I used to work at, and fish and chips, and there'll probably be some good garage-sale-ing going on.
And here's something else pregnancy-related that is worth noting. I have been having a lot of random crampy pains lately. I usually chalk it up to uterine growing pains, but the other day they seemed to come and go and come and go, so I started trying to time them, but then they went away for good. It was worrisome, and I don't know quite what to make of it. I'm feeling better with each passing day, and I can't wait to hit my next milestone of 28 weeks. Next big one after that is 32, although the 30's will be exciting, and I also have an appointment then. It's funny though, because I feel sooo very pregnant lately, like, how big and pregnant I felt when I was 36+ weeks with Elijah, and I'm nowhere near that. I hope everything is okay in there with Baby Girl. I'm getting so excited to meet her, but I'm trying to not think about that too much, and just enjoy the moment. Being pregnant is a wonderful gift and I truly love it, aches, pains and all. Having this one-on-one time with Elijah is wonderful too, and my love for him is growing so much. He is the silliest, handsomest little boy I've ever seen, and I'm glad that I'm having a girl, because for the time being I don't need to alter that statement. ;) It's seriously hard imagining this baby being cuter than Elijah though. He's just...Elijah. And I love him.
The end. (hahaha, lame ending to that rambler of a paragraph.)
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Failed?!
Well, my results from my blood-draw Wednesday came back a lot sooner than I had anticipated! By the end of the day yesterday I was called by a midwife in my clinic (one from the opposite team, she's the one who pushed suuuuper hard on my belly after delivering Elijah to make sure all the placenta and clots were out. It hurt, but I still like her. ;)
Anyway, first, she told me that my iron (hemoglobin) levels are low, at 104. I seem to remember with Elijah that anything below 111 is considered anemic, and I was 109 with him. I was expecting this, because it just seems to be how my body handles things, and I've been feeling the same tiredness and extreme breathlessness that I felt with Elijah. So I go on iron pills 3 times a day until delivery, and probably for a few months after, because you lose blood when you deliver.
As an aside apparently a side-effect of needing pitocin or oxytocin, whatever, is that your blood is thinner and there's a higher chance of post-partum hemmorhage. Good to know, because that's what I had! It's scary in hindsight, it could have been so much worse, but the midwives handled it really well and didn't freak me out. Still, though, I don't want it to happen again, and it's another motivation for me to avoid getting an epidural or an induction.
Anyway, I then said, "so my other levels for gestational diabetes are fine?" and she said, "no, they were borderline..." So I asked what she meant by borderline. Apparently the numbers that prompt them to do the 3-hour test and investigate this whole GD thing further fall in the range of 7.8 to 10 (whatever that means) and I was 7.9.
Soooo...it's up in the air. I could take the 3-hour test and do just fine, which I think is likely, given how low my number actually is, but really I have no idea. I do have some of the risk factors, like the fact that my mom has diabetes, and Elijah was born 9lb7oz, so a big boy, but I almost don't count that, because he was also 2 weeks late, so of course he's going to be big...he would have weighed closer to 8lbs at 40 weeks, but whatever.
This might sound funny, but I'm actually glad about the failed test, because it prompted an enlightening conversation with one of the midwives in my practice, and I've learned things I never knew. For instance, I had no idea how important protein was for keeping your blood sugar levels stable, and I have since invested in some tasty trail mix and cheese strings to up the protein I eat for snacks. Also, where beforehand I refused to eat eggs for breakfast, I now force them down with my nose plugged, just to get the protein (okay, so maybe it's not as bad as that, but I can still only manage one egg before the aversion kicks in again.) I also opt for snacks like celery and peanut butter, or cucumber rather than blackberries. And I now have a very good reason to not eat 1/8 to 1/4 of a watermelon over the course of one day. They are so delicious, and before I would say, "It's fruit! It's good for you, and made up of water, practically!" but now I'm abstaining because it's also sugary too.
So, the conversation was good. I also don't feel remotely guilty about the 3 spoonfuls of Haagen Daz I ate last night, because it was all I'd had all day, and it's a far cry better than how much I'd have eaten of it before I knew of all of this.
Oh, but here's the crummy thing. I juuuust started craving milk again, and now I find out that it increases your blood sugar levels too (lactose? My MW said pretty much anything ending in "-ose" will up your levels.) And what's more is that I can drink it when I'm on my iron anyway, or rather, it's hard to because I need to either drink it 1 hour before I take my pill, or 2 hours after, and I take these pills 3X a day. Sooo, there isn't much time for milk drinking.
Anyway, I need to go do the 3-hour test, probably on Tuesday morning. Then it's a couple more weeks until my next appointment, but I'm sure they'll call with the results before then. If I fail the 3-hour test too, then I'll be referred to a dietician.
On a slightly different (though perhaps not unrelated) note, I feel funny this morning. I feel tired, slightly light-headed, I feel this pressure in my chest, and I feel like my heart is racing, when it's actually not. I'm wondering if it has to do with the low iron or possible GD, or if it's something else entirely. I just googled hypoglycemia and hyperglycemia, but it doesn't sound like what I'm experiencing. My only worry is that I have to drive to church in a few minutes, and I'm feeling a little light-headed. Fortunately it's a short drive, but I really wish either of Matt's parents were going to be in our ward today, because I feel entirely incapable of chasing Elijah around, let alone filling in for someone for music time for the Primary kids during the 3rd block. Yeah...going to have to figure that one out.
Anyway, speaking of church, we need to leave in 2 minutes or we'll be late, so I'm going to have to wrap this up now.
Anyway, first, she told me that my iron (hemoglobin) levels are low, at 104. I seem to remember with Elijah that anything below 111 is considered anemic, and I was 109 with him. I was expecting this, because it just seems to be how my body handles things, and I've been feeling the same tiredness and extreme breathlessness that I felt with Elijah. So I go on iron pills 3 times a day until delivery, and probably for a few months after, because you lose blood when you deliver.
As an aside apparently a side-effect of needing pitocin or oxytocin, whatever, is that your blood is thinner and there's a higher chance of post-partum hemmorhage. Good to know, because that's what I had! It's scary in hindsight, it could have been so much worse, but the midwives handled it really well and didn't freak me out. Still, though, I don't want it to happen again, and it's another motivation for me to avoid getting an epidural or an induction.
Anyway, I then said, "so my other levels for gestational diabetes are fine?" and she said, "no, they were borderline..." So I asked what she meant by borderline. Apparently the numbers that prompt them to do the 3-hour test and investigate this whole GD thing further fall in the range of 7.8 to 10 (whatever that means) and I was 7.9.
Soooo...it's up in the air. I could take the 3-hour test and do just fine, which I think is likely, given how low my number actually is, but really I have no idea. I do have some of the risk factors, like the fact that my mom has diabetes, and Elijah was born 9lb7oz, so a big boy, but I almost don't count that, because he was also 2 weeks late, so of course he's going to be big...he would have weighed closer to 8lbs at 40 weeks, but whatever.
This might sound funny, but I'm actually glad about the failed test, because it prompted an enlightening conversation with one of the midwives in my practice, and I've learned things I never knew. For instance, I had no idea how important protein was for keeping your blood sugar levels stable, and I have since invested in some tasty trail mix and cheese strings to up the protein I eat for snacks. Also, where beforehand I refused to eat eggs for breakfast, I now force them down with my nose plugged, just to get the protein (okay, so maybe it's not as bad as that, but I can still only manage one egg before the aversion kicks in again.) I also opt for snacks like celery and peanut butter, or cucumber rather than blackberries. And I now have a very good reason to not eat 1/8 to 1/4 of a watermelon over the course of one day. They are so delicious, and before I would say, "It's fruit! It's good for you, and made up of water, practically!" but now I'm abstaining because it's also sugary too.
So, the conversation was good. I also don't feel remotely guilty about the 3 spoonfuls of Haagen Daz I ate last night, because it was all I'd had all day, and it's a far cry better than how much I'd have eaten of it before I knew of all of this.
Oh, but here's the crummy thing. I juuuust started craving milk again, and now I find out that it increases your blood sugar levels too (lactose? My MW said pretty much anything ending in "-ose" will up your levels.) And what's more is that I can drink it when I'm on my iron anyway, or rather, it's hard to because I need to either drink it 1 hour before I take my pill, or 2 hours after, and I take these pills 3X a day. Sooo, there isn't much time for milk drinking.
Anyway, I need to go do the 3-hour test, probably on Tuesday morning. Then it's a couple more weeks until my next appointment, but I'm sure they'll call with the results before then. If I fail the 3-hour test too, then I'll be referred to a dietician.
On a slightly different (though perhaps not unrelated) note, I feel funny this morning. I feel tired, slightly light-headed, I feel this pressure in my chest, and I feel like my heart is racing, when it's actually not. I'm wondering if it has to do with the low iron or possible GD, or if it's something else entirely. I just googled hypoglycemia and hyperglycemia, but it doesn't sound like what I'm experiencing. My only worry is that I have to drive to church in a few minutes, and I'm feeling a little light-headed. Fortunately it's a short drive, but I really wish either of Matt's parents were going to be in our ward today, because I feel entirely incapable of chasing Elijah around, let alone filling in for someone for music time for the Primary kids during the 3rd block. Yeah...going to have to figure that one out.
Anyway, speaking of church, we need to leave in 2 minutes or we'll be late, so I'm going to have to wrap this up now.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
27w0d
How Far Along: 27w0d
Weight Gain: 16lb’s
Stretch Marks: Just the old white ones from Elijah
Maternity Clothes: Totally
Symptoms: Easily winded, stuffy nose, very very tired, peeing often
Sleep: Great when I'm not hot and sticky
Best Moment of the Week: Birthdays! It was pretty exciting to be pregnant on my birthday, and to think of what next year's birthday holds. Although, I just remembered that I forgot to do something. I was going to write a letter to myself to open in 5 years on my birthday. SAD! I guess it doesn't have to be on the actual day.
Movement: Yes, and it's to the point now where she jabs outwards with a limb, and I pop it back in with my hand...I love it!
Food cravings: Rocky Road Haagen Daz, Rise Krispie Squares, New York Fries, salad with nuts and fruit in it,
Gender: A girl! At least she had better be. I got these adorable Robeez today that are white with pink ankles and little flowers on them and I am in loooovvvveeee. Nana bought Baby Girl those, and I bought what will soon become a bow board for her hair bows. I was planning on making one, but when I was at Chapters today I saw this large frame that was 50% off (so only $20!) It was separated into 3 sections: a peg board on the far left, a vertical area that fits 3 4x6 pictures down the middle, and a board on the right with ribbon criss-crossing it for pictures (you know the type, right?) I saw it and fell in love. And then I saw it in WHITE rather than black, and I was a goner. Baby Girl's crib will be white, so it'll match, I can put pictures in the middle, and bows on the right. I still need to decide what to do about the peg-board side, but if all else fails, I can cover that with material and make a second bow board out of that side. Who knows. Or I'll tack up her hospital bracelet, etc, and scrapbook it. So many ideas! So yes. She had better be a girl.
What I Miss: Nothing this week!
What I’m Looking Forward To: 28 weeks, because of the 3rd tri, but also because that's when the chance of survival for a baby born then spikes to 90%. YAY for development!
Milestones: Just this last week it all of a sudden got hard to roll over in bed, my stomach started getting in the way, and Baby Girl's kicks became more jab-like, and less "tap tap" than before. I love putting my hand there and pushing whatever limb it is back in, it's so cool!
Emotions: Well, today I'm excited and happy, but yesterday I was blue and depressed. It comes and goes, but I really just need a project to work on. I think we'll be moving downstairs soon, just so that I can work on organizing stuff during the day...that'll keep me busy for a bit!
And a belly shot. Because I totally never got around to a belly shot last week. Wednesday was a meh day, and every day since then has been sooo busy that forgot. Oh well! BUT the exciting thing is, I think I'm growing again! YAY!
[caption id="attachment_889" align="aligncenter" width="200" caption="Different shirt. I feel like the black hides all contour, and makes the belly look like a big flat thing added to my normal body. Does that make sense? I feel like it doesn't, but I am pretty tired so it's hard to tell for sure."]
[/caption]
Sooo right now I'm sitting here, eating the last of my Haagen Daz Rocky Road ice cream, while I still can. I just got home from taking the gestational diabetes screen, and I figure that if I do have GD then ice cream will be right out for a few months. Until then though, I'm going to get my fix. And no, I don't know if I have GD, I didn't with Elijah, but then again, he was a high birthweight baby, and I have a family history of diabetes, so that's 2 risk factors out of 5 right there.
Oh, and some things about taking the GD test. Bring a distracting book, and down the drink as fast as you possibly can. It was waaaaay easier this time than with Elijah! See, they give you 5 minutes to drink the stuff, but I was in a rush today (in fact, the lady tried turning me away because they close at 3 and I showed up at 1:55) but I assured her I could drink it quickly so I did. With Elijah I took the whole 5 minutes and it was painful, thinking about how it was making me feel, etc etc. I had no time to think today, though. Also, once I sat back down and had the horrid aftertaste in my mouth, I popped in a couple tic tacs and voila! Instantly better! Except when I burped once and felt my head spin for a couple seconds after. That is potent stuff.
Not much else is going on. I'll find out the results of the bloodwork in the next week (fingers crossed for no GD! I'm expecting to be anemic though, it just seems to be my thing.) I am getting increasingly anxious and excited for my Kobo (totally just typed Kobobo...haha) especially since I bought it this gorgeous Roots slip-cover today.
One nice thing is that is has finally warmed up around here lately, and I've FELT like swimming! Matt, Elijah and I have been over to Dave and Farrah's twice for a swim and I love it. Matt and I have determined that our next house WILL have a pool. End of story.
Other than that, it's just day-to-day stuff. Good stuff, but there isn't enough of it, and I'm having trouble keeping busy. It's great, but hard to live in the country sometimes, because there's nowhere to walk or bikeride, I'm just passing the same boring scenery and lack of shade day after day, so I'm not inspired to go out.
Well, I had better finish this up. I think we're going for dinner at my mom's today as my sister, her husband and their boys will be visiting.
Weight Gain: 16lb’s
Stretch Marks: Just the old white ones from Elijah
Maternity Clothes: Totally
Symptoms: Easily winded, stuffy nose, very very tired, peeing often
Sleep: Great when I'm not hot and sticky
Best Moment of the Week: Birthdays! It was pretty exciting to be pregnant on my birthday, and to think of what next year's birthday holds. Although, I just remembered that I forgot to do something. I was going to write a letter to myself to open in 5 years on my birthday. SAD! I guess it doesn't have to be on the actual day.
Movement: Yes, and it's to the point now where she jabs outwards with a limb, and I pop it back in with my hand...I love it!
Food cravings: Rocky Road Haagen Daz, Rise Krispie Squares, New York Fries, salad with nuts and fruit in it,
Gender: A girl! At least she had better be. I got these adorable Robeez today that are white with pink ankles and little flowers on them and I am in loooovvvveeee. Nana bought Baby Girl those, and I bought what will soon become a bow board for her hair bows. I was planning on making one, but when I was at Chapters today I saw this large frame that was 50% off (so only $20!) It was separated into 3 sections: a peg board on the far left, a vertical area that fits 3 4x6 pictures down the middle, and a board on the right with ribbon criss-crossing it for pictures (you know the type, right?) I saw it and fell in love. And then I saw it in WHITE rather than black, and I was a goner. Baby Girl's crib will be white, so it'll match, I can put pictures in the middle, and bows on the right. I still need to decide what to do about the peg-board side, but if all else fails, I can cover that with material and make a second bow board out of that side. Who knows. Or I'll tack up her hospital bracelet, etc, and scrapbook it. So many ideas! So yes. She had better be a girl.
What I Miss: Nothing this week!
What I’m Looking Forward To: 28 weeks, because of the 3rd tri, but also because that's when the chance of survival for a baby born then spikes to 90%. YAY for development!
Milestones: Just this last week it all of a sudden got hard to roll over in bed, my stomach started getting in the way, and Baby Girl's kicks became more jab-like, and less "tap tap" than before. I love putting my hand there and pushing whatever limb it is back in, it's so cool!
Emotions: Well, today I'm excited and happy, but yesterday I was blue and depressed. It comes and goes, but I really just need a project to work on. I think we'll be moving downstairs soon, just so that I can work on organizing stuff during the day...that'll keep me busy for a bit!
And a belly shot. Because I totally never got around to a belly shot last week. Wednesday was a meh day, and every day since then has been sooo busy that forgot. Oh well! BUT the exciting thing is, I think I'm growing again! YAY!
[caption id="attachment_889" align="aligncenter" width="200" caption="Different shirt. I feel like the black hides all contour, and makes the belly look like a big flat thing added to my normal body. Does that make sense? I feel like it doesn't, but I am pretty tired so it's hard to tell for sure."]
[/caption]Sooo right now I'm sitting here, eating the last of my Haagen Daz Rocky Road ice cream, while I still can. I just got home from taking the gestational diabetes screen, and I figure that if I do have GD then ice cream will be right out for a few months. Until then though, I'm going to get my fix. And no, I don't know if I have GD, I didn't with Elijah, but then again, he was a high birthweight baby, and I have a family history of diabetes, so that's 2 risk factors out of 5 right there.
Oh, and some things about taking the GD test. Bring a distracting book, and down the drink as fast as you possibly can. It was waaaaay easier this time than with Elijah! See, they give you 5 minutes to drink the stuff, but I was in a rush today (in fact, the lady tried turning me away because they close at 3 and I showed up at 1:55) but I assured her I could drink it quickly so I did. With Elijah I took the whole 5 minutes and it was painful, thinking about how it was making me feel, etc etc. I had no time to think today, though. Also, once I sat back down and had the horrid aftertaste in my mouth, I popped in a couple tic tacs and voila! Instantly better! Except when I burped once and felt my head spin for a couple seconds after. That is potent stuff.
Not much else is going on. I'll find out the results of the bloodwork in the next week (fingers crossed for no GD! I'm expecting to be anemic though, it just seems to be my thing.) I am getting increasingly anxious and excited for my Kobo (totally just typed Kobobo...haha) especially since I bought it this gorgeous Roots slip-cover today.
One nice thing is that is has finally warmed up around here lately, and I've FELT like swimming! Matt, Elijah and I have been over to Dave and Farrah's twice for a swim and I love it. Matt and I have determined that our next house WILL have a pool. End of story.
Other than that, it's just day-to-day stuff. Good stuff, but there isn't enough of it, and I'm having trouble keeping busy. It's great, but hard to live in the country sometimes, because there's nowhere to walk or bikeride, I'm just passing the same boring scenery and lack of shade day after day, so I'm not inspired to go out.
Well, I had better finish this up. I think we're going for dinner at my mom's today as my sister, her husband and their boys will be visiting.
Monday, July 4, 2011
A Great Weekend
I don't really feel like giving every single little detail, but Matthew and I had a great weekend. It involved swimming, shopping, birthdays, more birthdays, a family get-together, awesome food and scrumptious cake. How could it get any better?
Admittedly, though, it makes going back to every day life a bit difficult, especially when there's nothing on the calendar to excite me. Can't Matthew stay home from work all the time? What it this thing they call money, anyway?!
I'm so so SO excited because Matt got me the new Kobo Touch for my birthday, and I can't wait to get it and start using it. Apparently they're sold out in most stores and you need to order them in. I'm hoping that because the store Matt bought it from is now in-stock (since last Wednesday) then my Kobo won't be far behind. I'm getting pretty impatient for it.
Really, though, life has been a little boring, with the exception of the weekend. Boring is good, I know, but time is starting to drag. I feel like I've been pregnant forever, and yet I'm not due for another 3 months (tomorrow!) Why does that seem so long, when the last 3 months (finishing school, exam, the exciting month of May) seemed to fly by?
So I'm going to list the exciting things I have to count down to
-3rd trimester (28 weeks) - July 13th (can you believe that that's only a week away? A WEEK!)
-3D ultrasound - roughly 30 weeks, or around July 27th
Ummmm...that's all I'm coming up with. Maybe THAT'S why life feels boring now. I have nothing scheduled, except the impending due date which is still 3 months away. No wonder I'm feeling impatient! Before, things were flying by because things were HAPPENING. Now though? Nope. Just the slow, steady, thrum of summer. At least it's summer, though, and not winter. I can go swimming, go for walks outside, enjoy thunderstorms, bikerides, flipflops and ice-cream. But not flies...no, not flies. I say "flies" because there is one that has been dive-bombing my head for the last 1.5 hours, and I'm not entirely sure how I'm still sane.
It's not entirely true, though, that nothing is happening. I see a speech-path with Elijah on the 13th, but I'm not looking forward to it. Well, part of me is, but the other part of me is oh so worried. We're pushing 18 months without one word. Not a single one. That is really worrisome to me, a ling major. I know that my classes varied in how many words a child should have by 18 months. Some said 50, some 25, others 20, and others still 10. But 0? No, that was a problem. Or, not a problem, but a concern. I don't want this to be a concern. Speech affects...everything. I feel scared, desperately so when I allow myself to think about it too long. I'm scared that my son won't speak ever. That he won't communicate, won't go to school, won't read or write, won't gain an education, have a job, serve a mission, get married, have a family. How can he do all those things if he never ever talks? And that's how it feels right now; like he'll never talk.
I try to remind myself that that's how ALL of Elijah's milestones have been. Just when I start to worry, he starts swallowing his food without the extrusion reflex, starts rolling, starts crawling, starts sitting up, starts walking, starts babbling, etc. And he does it all like he could all along, and was just waiting until he felt like it. This feels so so different, though. I haven't been worried about this for days, or even weeks. I was worried by 13 months, checked online, and found out that it's not something to be too concerned about until they pass 15-months. So we bide our time, waiting and watching, and nothing. Now? We're past 17-months, and still no.
Phew, okay, change of topic. It's not going to change anything, complaining about it, and I think I've explained it well enough to refer back to, if needed. My hope is that, in years to come I read this blog post and laugh about having ever worried about this, because Elijah will be find and normal and the worries will have been for naught.
I love Elijah so much. He and Matthew, and now this sweet little girl, are everything to me, and I can't imagine my life without them. They are what made my weekend so wonderful, what makes my life worth living, and I hope they know how much I love them.
On a different note, it occurred to me yesterday that I really like the name Etienne for a girl. Well, imagine my surprise when I discovered that it's a boy name. I knew it was French, but still. Really? Not even unisex? Maybe the unisex trend hasn't hit over there as hard as here, because it sounds awfully feminine to my Canadian mind, and not boyish at all. I know we have a girl name picked already, but still, it's so pretty sounding to me, and even rivals Esme (which, apparently IS a unisex name. What the heck?!)
Anyway, maybe it'd be fine as a middle name, because then they wouldn't get made fun of for having a "boy's" name for a MN.
Aaaaand off I go to look up pretty French and Tahitian names.
Admittedly, though, it makes going back to every day life a bit difficult, especially when there's nothing on the calendar to excite me. Can't Matthew stay home from work all the time? What it this thing they call money, anyway?!
I'm so so SO excited because Matt got me the new Kobo Touch for my birthday, and I can't wait to get it and start using it. Apparently they're sold out in most stores and you need to order them in. I'm hoping that because the store Matt bought it from is now in-stock (since last Wednesday) then my Kobo won't be far behind. I'm getting pretty impatient for it.
Really, though, life has been a little boring, with the exception of the weekend. Boring is good, I know, but time is starting to drag. I feel like I've been pregnant forever, and yet I'm not due for another 3 months (tomorrow!) Why does that seem so long, when the last 3 months (finishing school, exam, the exciting month of May) seemed to fly by?
So I'm going to list the exciting things I have to count down to
-3rd trimester (28 weeks) - July 13th (can you believe that that's only a week away? A WEEK!)
-3D ultrasound - roughly 30 weeks, or around July 27th
Ummmm...that's all I'm coming up with. Maybe THAT'S why life feels boring now. I have nothing scheduled, except the impending due date which is still 3 months away. No wonder I'm feeling impatient! Before, things were flying by because things were HAPPENING. Now though? Nope. Just the slow, steady, thrum of summer. At least it's summer, though, and not winter. I can go swimming, go for walks outside, enjoy thunderstorms, bikerides, flipflops and ice-cream. But not flies...no, not flies. I say "flies" because there is one that has been dive-bombing my head for the last 1.5 hours, and I'm not entirely sure how I'm still sane.
It's not entirely true, though, that nothing is happening. I see a speech-path with Elijah on the 13th, but I'm not looking forward to it. Well, part of me is, but the other part of me is oh so worried. We're pushing 18 months without one word. Not a single one. That is really worrisome to me, a ling major. I know that my classes varied in how many words a child should have by 18 months. Some said 50, some 25, others 20, and others still 10. But 0? No, that was a problem. Or, not a problem, but a concern. I don't want this to be a concern. Speech affects...everything. I feel scared, desperately so when I allow myself to think about it too long. I'm scared that my son won't speak ever. That he won't communicate, won't go to school, won't read or write, won't gain an education, have a job, serve a mission, get married, have a family. How can he do all those things if he never ever talks? And that's how it feels right now; like he'll never talk.
I try to remind myself that that's how ALL of Elijah's milestones have been. Just when I start to worry, he starts swallowing his food without the extrusion reflex, starts rolling, starts crawling, starts sitting up, starts walking, starts babbling, etc. And he does it all like he could all along, and was just waiting until he felt like it. This feels so so different, though. I haven't been worried about this for days, or even weeks. I was worried by 13 months, checked online, and found out that it's not something to be too concerned about until they pass 15-months. So we bide our time, waiting and watching, and nothing. Now? We're past 17-months, and still no.
Phew, okay, change of topic. It's not going to change anything, complaining about it, and I think I've explained it well enough to refer back to, if needed. My hope is that, in years to come I read this blog post and laugh about having ever worried about this, because Elijah will be find and normal and the worries will have been for naught.
I love Elijah so much. He and Matthew, and now this sweet little girl, are everything to me, and I can't imagine my life without them. They are what made my weekend so wonderful, what makes my life worth living, and I hope they know how much I love them.
On a different note, it occurred to me yesterday that I really like the name Etienne for a girl. Well, imagine my surprise when I discovered that it's a boy name. I knew it was French, but still. Really? Not even unisex? Maybe the unisex trend hasn't hit over there as hard as here, because it sounds awfully feminine to my Canadian mind, and not boyish at all. I know we have a girl name picked already, but still, it's so pretty sounding to me, and even rivals Esme (which, apparently IS a unisex name. What the heck?!)
Anyway, maybe it'd be fine as a middle name, because then they wouldn't get made fun of for having a "boy's" name for a MN.
Aaaaand off I go to look up pretty French and Tahitian names.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Matt's birthday
Yesterday was Matt's 30th birthday...my husband is in his 30's! And so, for these two days (yesterday and today) it seems as though Matthew is 4 years older than me. But then, tomorrow I'll turn 27 and we'll be back to our 3-year spread.
It's actually exciting to me that Matt's 30. I feel like we're not that young anymore. I'm sure my 50-year-old self will look back on that statement and laugh, but in the meantime, Matt's 30, I'm 27 (practically) and we're not the young couple we were when we got married. It's not surprising to people that I'm married and have kids. We're at that point in our lives where our ambitions and dreams match reality, and we're not questioned for our decisions.
When we got married, Matt was 23 and I was 20. I would get a lot of funny looks at school when people found out I was married, and I feel like the doctors at the fertility clinic we went to didn't take me seriously when we told them that we wanted to do in vitro. I was only 22 at the time (23 by the time we did it) and I think it was a little unprecedented for them, to have someone so young already know they struggled with fertility and DOING something about it. As it was, they severely underestimated my dosage of medication because of my young age and their lack of experience with people that young, and the eggs didn't develop properly. I was on the meds too long, and we wound up with 5 eggs total, 1 too mature, 2 too small, and 2 we could actually use for in vitro. Given that this was 4 years ago, I think we can safely assume I did not get pregnant then.
So yes, I'm glad to be at this age. I feel like people take me seriously, like my concerns, goals and struggles are more validated, and not constantly prefaced with, "Oh, but you're still so young!" That is one of the most frustrating things to hear! I get the fact that I still have years to do x (buy a house, have kids, finish my degree, etc) but it hurts because it's like they're invalidating my current desires or ambitions. I know that life isn't a rapid succession of action-packed events, but rather a steady and gradual growth from A to B. I get that, really. I don't need it all in one fell swoop. But please, just allow me to be anxious about when my desires and ambitions will come to fruition! Please!
I'm rambling now, and having a hard time expressing in words what I feel in my heart. Like, to the point where I'm getting mad at Matt because he keeps on interrupting my already spluttering train of thought. Argh! Why do I have such a hard time saying what I want to? It's why I'm so terrible at confrontations, and why I tend to feel walked all over.
So, change of topic.
Yesterday was Matt's birthday, and I threw him a surprise party. It was nothing fancy, just a bonfire with cake, ice-cream and other snacks for some of our friends. I was feeling pretty blue about the whole thing, actually, because I felt like so few people could come, and I wasn't even sure if a party would be what Matt wanted anyway, or if he'd have preferred something quiet, and all of a sudden was faced with socializing with so many people (ahhh, my dear, introverted husband!) but it turned out really well.
I chased after Elijah as long as my body would allow, so that Matthew could hang out and socialize, and we just had fun. It turns out, too, that Matthew wanted a party, and would have never said so! He told me afterwards that as the day approached he thought to himself, "You know, I'm turning 30, and it might be kind of fun to celebrate and have a party..." and he knew I was planning something, but wasn't quite sure what. Yesterday I told him we were going out for dinner to Kelsey's, and on our way there I told him that our plan for the evening was to go back to the house for a bonfire and cake with Dave and Farrah, while mom took care of Elijah so we could relax. So, that was what Matt had in mind, but he said afterwards that, on our way down the road, he felt a little nervous and hopeful, that maybe I had planned something else anyway. He kept saying to himself, "No, don't think about that! I don't want to be disappointed if she didn't!" but when we pulled in the driveway and, apart from all the cars, he saw Duncan running down the drive-way towards the backyard, he knew, and was excited.
I'm not explaining it quite right, but he was happy and grateful and it was cute and made me feel those warm fuzzies. He said the best part of the day wasn't his gifts or going to Kelseys, but that it was the fact that I had thrown him a party and he had fun and just celebrated.
Also cute was when I asked him if he felt any older than he had the day before and he admitted that he actually did! Something about turning 30, and having so many people know it and wish you happy birthday makes it feel real, and like it really IS a milestone that you hadn't reached the day before.
It was a good day, and I was happy to do something for my dear, wonderful husband. I love him so much.
(And yes, I'm finishing this post on that random note, because one thing after another has come up while trying to write this blog post, and I feel so very frustrated and unhappy that I just don't feel like writing anymore, but I wanted to finish this because I knew I wouldn't later. I wish it wasn't written with such a frustrated spirit, and that it could actually somehow manage to express my excited feelings surrounding our birthdays and what a good day yesterday was, but that's impossible when I'm feeling so blah at the same time.)
It's actually exciting to me that Matt's 30. I feel like we're not that young anymore. I'm sure my 50-year-old self will look back on that statement and laugh, but in the meantime, Matt's 30, I'm 27 (practically) and we're not the young couple we were when we got married. It's not surprising to people that I'm married and have kids. We're at that point in our lives where our ambitions and dreams match reality, and we're not questioned for our decisions.
When we got married, Matt was 23 and I was 20. I would get a lot of funny looks at school when people found out I was married, and I feel like the doctors at the fertility clinic we went to didn't take me seriously when we told them that we wanted to do in vitro. I was only 22 at the time (23 by the time we did it) and I think it was a little unprecedented for them, to have someone so young already know they struggled with fertility and DOING something about it. As it was, they severely underestimated my dosage of medication because of my young age and their lack of experience with people that young, and the eggs didn't develop properly. I was on the meds too long, and we wound up with 5 eggs total, 1 too mature, 2 too small, and 2 we could actually use for in vitro. Given that this was 4 years ago, I think we can safely assume I did not get pregnant then.
So yes, I'm glad to be at this age. I feel like people take me seriously, like my concerns, goals and struggles are more validated, and not constantly prefaced with, "Oh, but you're still so young!" That is one of the most frustrating things to hear! I get the fact that I still have years to do x (buy a house, have kids, finish my degree, etc) but it hurts because it's like they're invalidating my current desires or ambitions. I know that life isn't a rapid succession of action-packed events, but rather a steady and gradual growth from A to B. I get that, really. I don't need it all in one fell swoop. But please, just allow me to be anxious about when my desires and ambitions will come to fruition! Please!
I'm rambling now, and having a hard time expressing in words what I feel in my heart. Like, to the point where I'm getting mad at Matt because he keeps on interrupting my already spluttering train of thought. Argh! Why do I have such a hard time saying what I want to? It's why I'm so terrible at confrontations, and why I tend to feel walked all over.
So, change of topic.
Yesterday was Matt's birthday, and I threw him a surprise party. It was nothing fancy, just a bonfire with cake, ice-cream and other snacks for some of our friends. I was feeling pretty blue about the whole thing, actually, because I felt like so few people could come, and I wasn't even sure if a party would be what Matt wanted anyway, or if he'd have preferred something quiet, and all of a sudden was faced with socializing with so many people (ahhh, my dear, introverted husband!) but it turned out really well.
I chased after Elijah as long as my body would allow, so that Matthew could hang out and socialize, and we just had fun. It turns out, too, that Matthew wanted a party, and would have never said so! He told me afterwards that as the day approached he thought to himself, "You know, I'm turning 30, and it might be kind of fun to celebrate and have a party..." and he knew I was planning something, but wasn't quite sure what. Yesterday I told him we were going out for dinner to Kelsey's, and on our way there I told him that our plan for the evening was to go back to the house for a bonfire and cake with Dave and Farrah, while mom took care of Elijah so we could relax. So, that was what Matt had in mind, but he said afterwards that, on our way down the road, he felt a little nervous and hopeful, that maybe I had planned something else anyway. He kept saying to himself, "No, don't think about that! I don't want to be disappointed if she didn't!" but when we pulled in the driveway and, apart from all the cars, he saw Duncan running down the drive-way towards the backyard, he knew, and was excited.
I'm not explaining it quite right, but he was happy and grateful and it was cute and made me feel those warm fuzzies. He said the best part of the day wasn't his gifts or going to Kelseys, but that it was the fact that I had thrown him a party and he had fun and just celebrated.
Also cute was when I asked him if he felt any older than he had the day before and he admitted that he actually did! Something about turning 30, and having so many people know it and wish you happy birthday makes it feel real, and like it really IS a milestone that you hadn't reached the day before.
It was a good day, and I was happy to do something for my dear, wonderful husband. I love him so much.
(And yes, I'm finishing this post on that random note, because one thing after another has come up while trying to write this blog post, and I feel so very frustrated and unhappy that I just don't feel like writing anymore, but I wanted to finish this because I knew I wouldn't later. I wish it wasn't written with such a frustrated spirit, and that it could actually somehow manage to express my excited feelings surrounding our birthdays and what a good day yesterday was, but that's impossible when I'm feeling so blah at the same time.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)