Matt's birthday

Yesterday was Matt's 30th birthday...my husband is in his 30's! And so, for these two days (yesterday and today) it seems as though Matthew is 4 years older than me. But then, tomorrow I'll turn 27 and we'll be back to our 3-year spread.

It's actually exciting to me that Matt's 30. I feel like we're not that young anymore. I'm sure my 50-year-old self will look back on that statement and laugh, but in the meantime, Matt's 30, I'm 27 (practically) and we're not the young couple we were when we got married. It's not surprising to people that I'm married and have kids. We're at that point in our lives where our ambitions and dreams match reality, and we're not questioned for our decisions.

When we got married, Matt was 23 and I was 20. I would get a lot of funny looks at school when people found out I was married, and I feel like the doctors at the fertility clinic we went to didn't take me seriously when we told them that we wanted to do in vitro. I was only 22 at the time (23 by the time we did it) and I think it was a little unprecedented for them, to have someone so young already know they struggled with fertility and DOING something about it. As it was, they severely underestimated my dosage of medication because of my young age and their lack of experience with people that young, and the eggs didn't develop properly. I was on the meds too long, and we wound up with 5 eggs total, 1 too mature, 2 too small, and 2 we could actually use for in vitro. Given that this was 4 years ago, I think we can safely assume I did not get pregnant then.

So yes, I'm glad to be at this age. I feel like people take me seriously, like my concerns, goals and struggles are more validated, and not constantly prefaced with, "Oh, but you're still so young!" That is one of the most frustrating things to hear! I get the fact that I still have years to do x (buy a house, have kids, finish my degree, etc) but it hurts because it's like they're invalidating my current desires or ambitions. I know that life isn't a rapid succession of action-packed events, but rather a steady and gradual growth from A to B. I get that, really. I don't need it all in one fell swoop. But please, just allow me to be anxious about when my desires and ambitions will come to fruition! Please!

I'm rambling now, and having a hard time expressing in words what I feel in my heart. Like, to the point where I'm getting mad at Matt because he keeps on interrupting my already spluttering train of thought. Argh! Why do I have such a hard time saying what I want to? It's why I'm so terrible at confrontations, and why I tend to feel walked all over.

So, change of topic.

Yesterday was Matt's birthday, and I threw him a surprise party. It was nothing fancy, just a bonfire with cake, ice-cream and other snacks for some of our friends. I was feeling pretty blue about the whole thing, actually, because I felt like so few people could come, and I wasn't even sure if a party would be what Matt wanted anyway, or if he'd have preferred something quiet, and all of a sudden was faced with socializing with so many people  (ahhh, my dear, introverted husband!) but it turned out really well.

I chased after Elijah as long as my body would allow, so that Matthew could hang out and socialize, and we just had fun. It turns out, too, that Matthew wanted a party, and would have never said so! He told me afterwards that as the day approached he thought to himself, "You know, I'm turning 30, and it might be kind of fun to celebrate and have a party..." and he knew I was planning something, but wasn't quite sure what. Yesterday I told him we were going out for dinner to Kelsey's, and on our way there I told him that our plan for the evening was to go back to the house for a bonfire and cake with Dave and Farrah, while mom took care of Elijah so we could relax. So, that was what Matt had in mind, but he said afterwards that, on our way down the road, he felt a little nervous and hopeful, that maybe I had planned something else anyway. He kept saying to himself, "No, don't think about that! I don't want to be disappointed if she didn't!" but when we pulled in the driveway and, apart from all the cars, he saw Duncan running down the drive-way towards the backyard, he knew, and was excited.

I'm not explaining it quite right, but he was happy and grateful and it was cute and made me feel those warm fuzzies. He said the best part of the day wasn't his gifts or going to Kelseys, but that it was the fact that I had thrown him a party and he had fun and just celebrated.

Also cute was when I asked him if he felt any older than he had the day before and he admitted that he actually did! Something about turning 30, and having so many people know it and wish you happy birthday makes it feel real, and like it really IS a milestone that you hadn't reached the day before.

It was a good day, and I was happy to do something for my dear, wonderful husband. I love him so much.

(And yes, I'm finishing this post on that random note, because one thing after another has come up while trying to write this blog post, and I feel so very frustrated and unhappy that I just don't feel like writing anymore, but I wanted to finish this because I knew I wouldn't later. I wish it wasn't written with such a frustrated spirit, and that it could actually somehow manage to express my excited feelings surrounding our birthdays and what a good day yesterday was, but that's impossible when I'm feeling so blah at the same time.)