So emotional...

These last few days have been really emotional ones for me and I'm trying to figure out 2 things:

1) Whether my meltdowns of epic proportions have been legit or entirely pregnancy/hormone-induced, and
2) If the cold I feel like I now have is really just the after-effects of the heavy heavy sobbing I've been partaking of on a near-daily basis.

Here's what been going on.

Matt is going away this coming weekend. I hate when he goes away anyway, but I've been especially worried about this one because it's the first time he'll have gone away for any period of time since Elijah has been born. I was already worried about the fact that I won't have my 5:15pm relief a la Matthew every day, and that we miss the Saturday too. I was worried as well about church on Sunday because, even though Matt's on the stand for sacrament, I really depend on him through the other portions of the meeting.

I was also worried because I hate being home alone.

I was especially worried about the emotional trauma that will be inflicted on me when Elijah looks for Matt in the mornings, and walks around crying for daddy.

But still, it's just a weekend, and then it'll be done, right?

Except, I just found out on Saturday that Jeff and Carol (mom and dad...) will be gone for the weekend too. What's worse is that I found out through mom off-handedly asking me to water her flowers and look after Sheba while they're gone.

And all I can say is, You have to be kidding me. The one thing that made the prospect of this weekend remotely bearable is the fact that I'd have help and relief and security in the fact that mom and dad are just next door. But no, no they won't be. So now I'll be all alone on this big property in the middle of the country with no help, no relief, AND I have to figure out how to water the massive amount of flowers while keeping Elijah from running all over the place? That will be impossible. I'm stressed and upset just thinking about the flowers, let alone everything else. No help at church. No-one to go to next door. 2 houses to think about. Creepy, middle-of-nowhere-with-no-neighbours-I-know-or-trust.

So yeah, I melted down. Only in front of Matt, of course, because it's not mom and dad's fault that their weekend away coincided with Matt's weekend. And it's not Matt's fault that his weekend away coincided with mom and dad's, and he certainly couldn't help that Games Day fell on the Civic Holiday weekend that I wanted to use to go up north and visit my family on Manitoulin for their festival weekend.

I just feel scared, and upset, and I don't know what to do about it. I'm mad because I want to go up north with Matt, and Amanda and Jay are going up this weekend, and we can't go. Well, I could go with Elijah, but that would be terrible. An 8-hour drive (Elijah's longest ever) and an entire weekend with no-one to chase Elijah but 30-week pregnant me? No thanks. Not happening. Nor am I going to go with mom and dad to the Schoen's and be the 5th (and 6th...and a half) wheel to their boating and other adventures, and yet again have to chase Elijah around in an unfamiliar place all by myself (because, much as mom and dad would help, I'd still be stressed, still be following Elijah, still be bearing the brunt of it all.) And so my only other option is to stay home and be scared out of my mind.

And yes, I'm tearing up just thinking about it and writing it.

You know what doesn't help? Farrah is just as alone as I am this weekend, as Dave is going with Matt to Chicago. So you'd think I could hang out with Farrah and we could be miserable together this weekend, right?

Wrong!!

Farrah has family in Burlington she's going to stay with. You know, a place Dana is familiar with. A nice family that doesn't stress you out and drain you just to be around. And, what's more a family that isn't taking off for the weekend on the same weekend her husband is gone.

I feel so very very abandoned.

So I cried and cried and cried some more, and woke up yesterday morning feeling raw and tired and stuffed up.

Then there was yesterday. Yesterday was a whole different story (well, except for the pregnancy hormones.)

For one thing, I found out at 8:15 am that church in Welland was canceled because the air conditioner was broken. Matthew was staying for his meetings though, which meant he didn't get home from Ward Council until 10:15 (it ran late because it could.) So we could either stay home and have our own "church" meetings, go to St. Catharines for the last 2 meetings (not a good idea, considering Elijah-chasing or an unfamiliar nursery for him) or we could go visit my mom and aunt in Beamsville. Except when Matt got home there was no answer at my mom's so we just went next door and hung out there where it was air conditioned. But Rachelle and Terrah were still there, so Elijah was having a rough time, it was busy and hectic, and never felt peaceful enough to have any spiritual meetings/discussion of our own. But then it did calm down for a short time, Rachelle was downstairs putting Terrah down for a nap, and so Matt and I decided to start our "lessons" and discussions.

We began with prayer, and then after the prayer Matthew extended a new calling to me. I was pretty excited about the prospect of having a new calling, and I could tell he was excited to extend it to me (he says he wasn't that excited, but there was a twinkle in his eye.)

Buuut then he told me what the calling was (Sunday School teacher over the investigator class) and I froze. I can't explain it very well, but I'll try anyway. I felt scared. Panicky. Like I can't possibly be a Sunday School teacher when I have a new baby on the way and Elijah not quite in nursery. How was I going to take care of the baby? How was I going to look after her and keep her from being passed around the ward when she is so new and young and susceptible to sicknesses right at the beginning of cold and flu season? What was I going to do the first 3 Sundays after having her where I'm either away or still recovering to the point where I need to sit and relax for a teeny bit and not stand at the front of a classroom leading discussion and teaching people? How was I going to nurse her during sacrament time to make sure I could teach the next hour (every Sunday...) and how was I going to nurse her PERIOD when Matt is on the stand and Jeff and Carol are gone half the Sundays of the month, and I still have a very young Elijah to look after as well? With Elijah it was do-able because sharing time and music time could be switched around so easily. I only did sharing time every 3rd month, and I was easily replaceable when it was my turn to conduct. I can just hear mom now, saying how she had new babies when she was the Relief Society president and she still survived, but even that is different. She doesn't HAVE to teach. She doesn't have to conduct. She doesn't have a 1-hour commitment every single Sunday for an indefinite amount of time.

I guess also in my mind was the fact that, when I was released from Primary, Matt said there were some callings they were considering me for that required me to be Elijah-free. I then said that I wouldn't be baby-free for long, and he said that babies are easier than toddlers to have around and chase because they're not as distracting, so I can still have them with me. In my mind, I was thinking Relief Society teacher, chorister, or even a calling in Young Women where a new baby is not a big distraction (in comparison to Elijah anyway.) I actually thought, Well it can't be Sunday School, then, because Sunday School is just not possible with a newborn.

And then it was Sunday School.

I'm getting things a little out of order now, though. I asked him my questions, eg "How long will this be for?" "Will you be in there with me?" "What am I supposed to do with this baby?" "When am I supposed to start?"

I then told him I'm not going to answer right away, because I felt upset, and wanted to think it through first.

What I really wanted was to calm down and pray about it, because I know that you should never turn down a calling, but I just felt scared and worried and even angry about it. I wanted to pray about it myself and feel what Heavenly Father wanted for me at a time when I wasn't being clouded by all of my other unsettling emotions.

Matt was disappointed, I could tell, so I didn't say anyway. All I could think of were my fears, my "What if's," my hesitations. And it built and built and built. And so when Matt asked me what was making me hesitate at that moment, I burst into tears. I told him all of my fears and worries, and he tried (unsuccessfully) to rebut every one. He assured he could look after our baby, but I didn't want her gone for an hour every week, with him, or especially with mom who will not object if someone grabs the baby out of her arms, and who feels terrible telling people 'no' if they ask to hold her. I want and need to protect her for that first little while, and I can't do that if I'm teaching.

Anway, I lost it. Like, completely.We gathered up the stuff quickly (me still shaking with sobs) and headed back to the apartment where I cried and sobbed some more. I felt so...upset. Scared. Frustrated. Mad at myself. Like I should not be reacting this way, but I felt so darn worried about it all that I just couldn't say yes and move on, I was just...devastated. I cried, too, because I felt like it was my fault, and I should be more righteous and say yes without any hesitation, and cheer up, and so on, but I just couldn't.

Before Matt came back next door (I went quickly ahead of him...I didn't want Rachelle to see me like that) he prayed about the calling extension and felt strongly that it was not right and that it should be retracted. So he came back and told me so, and I felt even more awful. He assured me that it was not my fault, that he felt like they had been too hasty in extending the call, and perhaps they were not as sure as they thought that it was right because, even without me saying yes or no, it was being retracted.

And I of course  still blamed it all on myself, and that Heavenly Father was just retracting it because I was such an awful person.

So Matthew emailed Bishop, and he felt to retract it as well, but did not necessarily say it was a mistake. He said that that was the point of the interview process, and that sometimes a calling is extended to make a situation which was not otherwise known to the bishop(ric) known, and that they didn't know I was feeling so overwhelmed and so much anxiety.

And so now I don't know what to think. Part of me feels like it's okay, and I don't need to feel bad about it, that I was feeling all those things anyway, and I'm not this terrible person. But another part of me feels that I should be handling things, and life, and everything better and trust more in Heavenly Father and if I were in a better place emotionally and physically, then this wouldn't be a problem and I'd have been ready to accept the calling. I just don't know.

How much of what I'm experiencing is fine, and how much is something I need to work on? Are my fears and worries legitimate, in terms of taking care of Elijah and Abigail, timing nursing, keeping her close and so on, or are they things that, if I was better at trusting in Heavenly Father, I could manage quite easily? Did my panicky and anxious feeling arise from the spirit telling me it was wrong and to flee from the situation, or were they the product of my own qualms, and my overly-emotional, pregnant self?

I feel so confused about it all. And raw. And hurt. And Matt feels upset because he worries that he shouldn't have said anything to me and he caused that hurt in me when it wasn't right, and he's disappointed because I didn't say 'yes' (although he gives me credit for also not saying 'no') because to us we've always been of the mind that you always say 'yes' to a calling, whether inspired or not, so it's all quite confusing. And I feel rotten for taking the sparkle out of his eye. Because, regardless of what he says, he was excited to extend me the call.

Anyway, my heart hurts right now, and I'm not over the situation(s) yet. And I still don't know if this 'cold' is a cold or the product of my 2 hours spent sobbing this weekend.