Direction

I know I've touched on it a bit in my public blog posts, but I've been trying to figure out what Matthew and I should do in terms of spacing our children, and when to try again. I have been a mix of emotions since having Abigail, and it's been quite difficult for me to sort out what is just me wanting to be pregnant again and what is valid uneasiness in terms of the "plan" that we already had in place.

To recap, a little bit. And by recap, I mean let me break it all down into one blog post.

When Matt and I were planning to get married, we had a plan. At first that plan involved waiting for an indefinite amount of time before starting to try for a family, but sometime soon after we decided that, we felt prompted to not wait. I don't even remember this plan, I just wrote it in my journal from then. I wrote about how confusing it was to me, that it made more sense for me to get more schooling done, but I had faith that, if Heavenly Father was telling us to not wait, it would work out. I assumed that the promptings we had to not wait to start a family meant that God wanted us to have children right away, but in hindsight I am grateful that we heeded the promptings we did, as we had no way of knowing we'd experience infertility, and it meant that we DIDN'T wait years before discovering that we had MFI.

We got married, and I went on the pill for 3.5 months. We decided that, at the very least, I would try to get my 2nd year of school done, so it'd be best for me to not get pregnant until September of the year we were married (you know, just in case we had a honeymoon baby, right?) I don't regret our decision to use birth control for those few months, I know it would have been wise, had we not had troubles getting pregnant.

Well, as we all know, I didn't get pregnant right away. Not by a long shot. After a year we were diagnosed with male factor infertility (MFI) and given a 2% chance of conceiving naturally each month. That meant that it would take us a year of trying to accomplish what a healthy couple could accomplish in just one month (or one cycle.) We set off down the path of fertility testing and in vitro, while also pursuing international and then domestic adoption. Again, we had a plan. Sure, the plan involved calling the adoption agency and saying, "Guess what? We didn't tell you we were doing IVF, but we did, and Holly's pregnant, so we can't adopt anymore! Hurray!" I admit freely, at least in the private entries of my blog, that adoption was a second choice for us. I don't know if that's wrong or not, many people talk about having their hearts changed, and seeing adoption as a different choice rather than a second choice, but we just wanted to be parents. We wanted children to love, hold, teach and raise. It hurt that they wouldn't be related to us biologically, but we began to see the excitement in the adoption process and to appreciate it for itself, if that makes sense. Our desire for biological children never went away, but we accepted that that wasn't happening for us, and that adopting was a joyful way of building our family too, so we embraced it.

The hardest time throughout the 4 years of us being married and trying to have a family was when I felt like my plan was falling to pieces. I always had a plan in place, some projection of where we'd be at what point in the future, and what we needed to do to get there. It was so hard, though, when waiting was all we could do to make our dream of having a family come true. There were times when I felt so alone, forgotten by Heavenly Father, and completely unloved. I didn't understand why we weren't being blessed with children. There were many times when I wondered if God was punishing me for some misdeed, or if I just wasn't righteous enough to be a mom. I could logic myself out of these feelings, but the emotional side of me still felt them and wondered. It took a lot of time, but eventually I learned some lessons through the trial of not having children when WE had planned.

Some scriptures which taught me much were in Deuteronomy, where I least expected to find insight into my trial. It began in Deuteronomy 7:11-15, which reads:

"Thou shalt therefore keep the commandments, and the statutes, and the judgments, which I command thee this day, to do them.
Wherefore it shall come to pass, if ye hearken to these judgments, and keep, and do them, that the Lord thy God shall keep unto thee the covenant and the mercy which he sware unto thy fathers:
And he will love thee, and bless thee, and multiply thee: he will also bless the fruit of thy womb, and the fruit of thy land, thy corn, and thy wine, and thine oil, the increase of thy kine, and the flocks of thy sheep, in the land which he sware unto thy fathers to give thee.
Though shalt be blessed above all people: there shall not be male or female barren among you, or among your cattle.
And the Lord will take away from thee all sickness...." 

I read this when I was reading through the Bible sequentially, and when I came across it I felt a deep yearning. I read it again and again, so that I could figure out how that verse could apply to me, how I could tap into those blessings, and be blessed and multiplied.

I continued on reading, and in Deuteronomy chapter 8 verses 1-14 read these particular verses:

"All the commandments which I command thee this day shall ye observe to do, that ye may live, and multiply, and go in and possess the land which the Lord sware unto your fathers.
And thou shalt remember all the way which the Lord thy God led thee these forty years in the wilderness, to humble thee, and to prove thee, to know what was in thinge heart, whether thou wouldest keep his commandments, or no.
And he humbled thee, and suffered thee to hunger, and fed thee with manna...
...
For the Lord thy God bringeth thee into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and depths that spring out of valleys and hills;
...
A land wherein thou shalt eat bread without scarceness, thou shalt not lack any thing in it; ...
When thou hast eaten and art full, then thou shalt bless the Lord thy God for the good land which he hath given thee.
Beware that thou forget not the Lord thy God, in not keeping his commandments...
Lest when thou hast eaten and art full...
...
...and all that thou hast is multiplied;
Then thine heart be liften up, and thou forget the Lord thy God, which brought thee forth out of the land of Egypt, from the house of bondage."

I knew when I read this that it applied directly to me. I knew that we were experiencing the trial of infertility so that we would be humble, so that we would learn that the ONLY form of deliverance came through Heavenly Father, and that he was testing us, to see if the trial that we were experiencing would soften our hearts and make us more apt to keep the commandments, or if we'd turn our backs on God and refuse to learn to rely on Him.

I also felt that Heavenly Father, through the spirit I felt and the words which I read, was promising me that we would someday have children and that, when we did, I needed to not forget who it was that blessed me with those children, and delivered me from that trial.

Another time during the wait to adopt, I read a book called Sarah by Orson Scott Card. Naturally, Sarah's childless plight resonated with me, and when I finished reading the (amazing) book, I felt that deep yearning again. The wish to be as so many faithful women of the scripture, and to conceive against apparent odds. I knelt in prayer that night and poured out my heart to God. I pleaded with Him, that I could someday be as Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, Hannah and Elisabeth. I felt an overwhelming outpouring of the Lord's love for me, and I felt peace and the assurance that I would, indeed, someday have biological children of my own. The overwhelming peace of that experience did not always remain with me, but my knowledge of that promise did, and I clung to it during my dark days.

Then in April of 2009, Matthew and I were at General Conference. It was the last session of conference, during President Monson's talk, and I remember feeling a little disappointed that nothing in particular at the conference had stood out to me as a message particularly for me. Then, during President Monson's talk, the thought came to my mind, "I bet President Monson could heal us" to which my mind responded, "It doesn't have to be President Monson, it could be any righteous Melchizedek priesthood holder."

I had so often hoped to hear in a blessing that we would also be healed and have children, but I never did. Never, until that moment, had it occurred to me to seek out the blessing we were waiting for. I was hesitant to even mention my feelings to Matt, I was so convinced that it was wrong, like "forcing the Lord's hand" to ask for such a specific blessing. We discussed it, though, and began reading the church material that we had on hand, where blessings and healings were concerned. What we discovered were many examples of people in the scriptures seeking out Jesus and his prophets for specific blessings of healing. We also read in A New Witness for the Articles of Faith that signs will always follow those who believe, and that, as faithful latter-day saints, we were entitled to such blessings from heaven.

We resolved to continue studying the matter that week, and the following Sunday we fasted, and Aaron, Matthew's brother administered blessings of healing to both of us (because we didn't want to assume that it was only Matthew that needed healing, given that it was MY fault that IVF didn't work.)

The Spirit was definitely there, but not in an overwhelming abundance, and I, quite honestly, didn't feel any more convinced after the blessings than I had before that it was even Heavenly Father's will that have we be healed, I just had a general feeling of okay-ness that told me we hadn't done anything wrong.

Then 3.5 weeks later I woke up one morning, pee'd on a pregnancy test, and discovered that, for the first time ever, I was pregnant. At the first possible opportunity since receiving our blessings, and after 4 years of marriage, I was pregnant.

I can't begin to describe the feelings that I had then, that I have even now while I'm typing this. I know it looks more bald, written out like this rather than being experienced first-hand, but every part of me KNOWS that I got pregnant at the first opportunity like that so that I would have no doubt in my mind that it was Heavenly Father's hand, His blessing in my life, and not some spontaneous pregnancy. To Heavenly Father it was quite planned, and we were, in a word, overjoyed.

It is so puzzling to me, being on this side of things. It's hard for me to know exactly where I stand in terms of infertility and Matthew's and my desires and plans for a family.

For example, we decided that we would wait until Elijah was a year old to start trying to have another baby. The fact that we would even PLAN when to start trying to conceive naturally was odd to me. We also decided that we would not use any birth control methods for the first year, because by that point in the game, another pregnancy, another baby, would be a miraculous blessing. I don't know if it was doubt, that we really were healed, or just trusting that Heavenly Father would bless us with the children we were meant to have at the time we were meant to have them, even if it meant being surprised with a baby when we weren't trying.

Before that year was up, we actually WERE trying (I think we ended up waiting 9 months before trying again) and 2 days before Elijah hit his first birthday I found out I was pregnant with Abigail.

While I was pregnant with Abigail we agreed that it was much harder, being pregnant with such a young toddler, than it was when I didn't have any kids. We said at the time that our plan, after having Abigail, would be to space the next baby a little more, and to not start trying again until Abigail was 1 year and 9 months old (so, adding 10+ months to the age gap.)

After I had Abigail, though, I started reconsidering this plan of ours. I'm not entirely sure why, I don't know if it's because I just miss being pregnant, or if it's Heavenly Father guiding us through my unease. I've been trying so hard lately to figure this out, and have struggled much with it.

One area we've struggled with is coming to an agreement on what form of birth control we should use. I do not want to use the birth control pill, because I don't like that I have no idea what my body would prefer to do on its own, without man-made hormones telling my body to not ovulate and when to start my period. I didn't want to go off it when we're ready to try and then have no frame of reference. An IUD is too long term for what we were planning, and Matthew does like the idea of using condoms. He doesn't like the connotation, and it makes him feel like he's doing wrong things, which I totally understand and respect. If he feels that strongly about it, I'm not going to question it, much like how he needs to be okay with me not wanting to go on the pill. Sooo that really only leaves us with the diaphragm, hence why I've been posting lately on using it or not, where on earth to get this prescription filled, etc etc.

The thing is, I'm fine with the thought of using the diaphragm. I've realized that I don't have a beef with that, per se.

So what DO I have a problem with?

To be honest, I don't know. I have been praying about this, about what to do, for a while now, probably since shortly after Abigail was born. Maybe because I had such a good experience with her labour and delivery, and I don't feel this emotional and physical trauma that I want to avoid anytime soon? I don't know.

I have been praying about the decision Matthew and I had made, to wait until 1 year and 9 months to try, but I have been receiving no peace about that. I struggled with these feelings on my own for a bit, but I fully realize that I can't be the one to make this decision, that Matthew and I need to make it together. The problem, though, is that we approach prayer and direction in 2 different (though perfectly fine) ways. He gets ideas and goes ahead and does them until they make him uneasy. He doesn't need or desire an answer, he simply trusts that Heavenly Father will let him know when it is wrong, or when something needs to change. I admire that about him, but I don't necessarily wish to be like that, because I don't feel that there is anything wrong with how I approach Heavenly Father in prayer. I tend to think things through a lot more, come to a decision, and then pray to feel right about that decision. If I don't feel right about it, I don't do it, and I seek and pray until I find a way that feels good to me, and that I feel peaceful about when I'm praying. I know it seems very opposite, and that one must be right or wrong, but if so, I can't tell which.

So, where building our family is concerned, Matthew is content to go ahead with our plan until it feels wrong. Is my unease the equivalent of things feeling wrong? It's hard to say. I don't mind if we end up waiting however long before trying again! I just want to know that our decision is right before Heavenly Father, and that it is pleasing to Him, and I get no such feelings right now. Nor do I think that we should not do anything at all. That just feels...careless.

So anyway, I've been struggling with this. I've gone to the temple praying about it twice now, and have been studying my scriptures, and so on.

When we were at the temple on Tuesday night for Kira's endowment, I sat for a while in the celestial room. I pondered, I prayed, I listened, and then I left (I had a baby waiting for me, after all!) While in the celestial room, though, I had a thought pop into my head, and it was that we should try again once I get to a certain weight (145# I believe it was.) I didn't dismiss the thought, but I didn't take it immediately as inspiration either, because I know how my mind wanders, and how I tend to like hair-brained weight loss schemes and the like.

I was tossing that thought around though, trying it out to see if it really was inspiration, and continuing to pray.

Then this morning, when I went for my walk/jog I realized I hadn't said my prayers yet today. I started saying them as I was walking, which I really like to do, because then I can say them out loud with no-one else around, and I'm walking, which is pretty mindless, AND my knees don't start to hurt, and my legs don't fall asleep.

SO. I was saying my prayers while walking. And you have to understand that my prayers, when said out loud, are more like conversations with Heavenly Father. I talk His ear off, tell him what I think and how I feel, and respond to thoughts and feelings I have as if it's someone conversing back with me. I'm sure to someone who doesn't believe in Heavenly Father I would seem entirely crazy, having complete conversations with myself, but I know that it's how Heavenly Father speaks to me.

So anyway, I'd already been praying about my unease, and this is a bit of the "conversation with God" that followed:

-While in the temple, Heavenly Father, I had the thought pop into my head that maybe I should lose weight (down to 145 I think?) before we start trying again. I don't know if it was a prompting or just me, but I keep thinking it and am just wondering if maybe that's what we should do...
-That sounds like a good idea...
-Well I know it's a good idea...
-Then do it.


I continued this conversation a little more, seeking to know if this was one of those scenarios where any decision is a good decision, and I didn't feel that necessarily. I am still trying to sort out how to describe exactly what it was that I felt about it all. I feel like anything beyond what Heavenly Father spoke to me would just be me trying to explain and interpret it, which I've learned to not do.

There could be many reasons this is right for me and my family. Maybe it'll take me the 1 year and 9 months to get to 145. Maybe it'll be a good motivation to get in shape and treat my body as the temple that it is. Maybe I need to get in shape for my next pregnancy because it's going to be a physically demanding one. Maybe it'll provide me with something distracting to focus on, rather than OPK's and cervical positions. Maybe it's just something I want to do, and Heavenly Father is supportive of me doing it.

But whatever the reason, I am grateful for that answer to prayer. It was more than I had this morning. It has given me the purpose and direction that I wanted, in order to feel good about not trying for another baby right now. I can't claim to know exactly what will happen once I reach my goal weight. Again, I long ago stopped interpreting with a semblance of surety the answers to prayer that I've received. I just take it and go, because who knows what will happen along the way. Maybe this is what I need to get me through the next little while, to kill some time before we have other things to think about, or to keep me from going pregnancy-crazy until my hormones get sorted out and I can think straight again. Maybe I'll never even get to 145, and we'll have a surprise pregnancy along the way. Maybe the direction we receive will change before I get to 145. Either way, though, I feel like this is a course of action Heavenly Father is pleased with, and I'm grateful for that.

The funny is, this wouldn't be such a big deal if it weren't for infertility. I just feel so much like it's not MY plan we're following. I had a plan once upon a time, and I feel presumtuous when it comes to having much of a plan again in the future, because I know how little control I have over everything.

I am in NO WAY complaining about the blessings of healing that we received. I just have a hard time knowing how to interpret...life, I guess, through the lens of things being one way and then drastically changing to the other. Infertility still affects me. I still struggle and have doubts. I still don't know when I'll get pregnant again. I feel like I can plan to start trying and expect to get pregnant shortly after, but I also feel like my plan could blow up in pieces. Part of me feels like I'm at the whim of this magnificently powerful being, and that I should just stop trying to plan for the future because my plans didn't work out before, but part of me also feels that Heavenly Father would be displeased with me, having the testimony that I have of our being healed and never thinking about or planning for when and how our children come to us. Would it be careless to not use any form of birth control, and to have one baby after another, even when we can't provide for them? Would it be foolish to say, "Heavenly Father will bless us when He sees fit"? I feel like it would be, and yet it feels awfully strange to have to think about birth control after experiencing infertility. It feels presumptuous to assume that trying at 1year and 9mos could potentially mean getting pregnant then.

I wonder how much of this is my own doubts still lingering. I know that it at least partly is, or else why would I fear that, if we do wait a while before trying, what happens if I don't get pregnant then? Shouldn't I have learned by now, that it will happen according to Heavenly Father's timeline? But see, that's why I've wanted to feel some sort of assurance, that the course of action that we've chosen is right before the Lord, and why any sort of unease troubles me.

Anyway, I've made this post quite long enough, considering how I started it almost 2 hours ago. I'm overdue to drink some water and have a snack, and I might have got a little irritated with Matthew and Abigail a little while back for being so darn visually distracting when I was trying to formulate an important sentence, so I should go make peace with them (I'm in dad's office finishing this without distractions ;) )

All I can say is, I am so so SO grateful. I hoped and prayed so much for my two little miracles, and I hope and pray for those who will yet come to our family. I am grateful for the direction Heavenly Father provided me with today, and I'm feeling rather excited to work out, eat healthy, cut out sweets, and get down to my goal weight. I don't think I've ever been so pumped about weight loss, and I just hope it keeps up. I think, thanks to the inspiration I received, it will. :-)