First can I say how sad I am that my post from December 31st of last year disappeared? I remember the post well, and all I can think of is that it somehow got deleted when I transferred my blog from blogspot to wordpress in the spring. SAD though!
The reason that I'm so sad about it is because tonight is my 1-year blog-iversary!
Okay, okay, so maybe I have posts in my sidebar from February of 2009. But those are all from the family blog I started then, which I've just transferred here for the sake of keeping them all in one place.
This blog though? I it started on New Years Eve of last year. It was 10:30 at night, Matt was playing some computer game, and I was sitting on my laptop in my comfy chair in the rec room of our house. I'd been playing with the idea of it for a while - an anonymous blog where I could lay it all out there and not worry about my mom or sister or acquaintance who used to date my husband reading it. I had infertility-related feelings that I felt were too sensitive to discuss with people I knew. Besides that, I always felt bad, commenting on blogs with my username leading them to this puppies and rainbows family blog that WAS me, and yet wasn't all me either. I felt such tremendous pressure to keep up the facade for those reading and I ended up getting tired of it all, and I felt like IF-related bloggers wouldn't like me commenting when I clearly had such a perfect life, and didn't seem like I'd struggled with IF at all. That hurt, because I still struggled, but I just couldn't in that open space.
So, this blog was born. A place for me to vent my feelings, frustrations, triumphs, and general life stuff without fear of it affecting my relationships with people I already knew.
That post from my first night blogging might be gone, but I do have posts from around that time, and I'm glad that I do. There is so much I'd forgotten about where I was at, this time last year.
For example, I really really was struggling with depression. I knew it logically, but going back and reading my first post from January of this year really opened my eyes to it. I know that when I'm not feeling depressed I have a hard time articulating exactly how I feel when I AM feeling depressed, and I'm so grateful for that record for a few reasons, the main reason being that I can see how much I DON'T feel like that right now. Much as things have been difficult at times, having 2 kids and all, I haven't felt like that in...well, almost a year. In hindsight, I think it was post-partum depression. I see more of the characteristics of it now, and I also know that it went away when Elijah was a year, which coincided with me getting pregnant again and weaning Elijah (maybe thus balancing out my hormones?)
Anyway, I'm glad that I'm not starting this year with that depression. It was hard, even though the trial was relatively short-lived. I've had to deal with the effects of the trial, such as the self-inflicted guilt and fear that it's MY fault that Elijah is behind in his speech, because I was just so low at times that I wouldn't talk or play with him as I should have. I still struggle with that, even though I know that children in much worse circumstances still learn to talk fine, and it's most likely not my fault.
Anyway, I won't do a big long year-in-review thing, not because I don't like them (I love surveys!) but because I'm so tired, and don't have the luxury of sleeping in tomorrow morning.
I will, however, list some of the crazy changes we've experienced this past year, because when I think about it all, it blows my mind that only a year has passed, and not 5, since all of this happened!
- we sold our house and moved to a teeny, 2-room apartment. And were HAPPY to do so.
- Elijah turned one, started walking, learned to say 'no' and that's about it. Countless fears and tears about his speech, but it was more than made up for by the over-abundance of little joys he gave us throughout the year. Learning to give hugs and kisses, learning to walk, folding his arms for prayer, all of his silly smiles, the way he'd toss his head back and laugh fake laughs. SO many good things.
- I found out I was pregnant, went through my entire pregnancy, and had a baby all in a year! She is NOT a newborn anymore, and the year is just now over. Crazy pants.
- Did I mention I had a baby? Because it was pretty epic, when she was born. It deserves its own bullet point.
- Matt experienced the business's first successful year in 4 years
- I graduated university
- We bought a van and I am not ashamed to admit that I love it
- I taught myself to crochet
Aaaand I'm sure there are more things, but still. Those are just the big things. And yes, I'm pretty sure learning to crochet counts as a big thing, because I did it myself, and that means SO much to me, in terms of self-esteem. It was a great leap forward. :-)
I admit to having new years resolutions. Bash them all you want, but I like goals, and I'm a big milestone sort of person, so new years resolutions really appeal to me. Some of them are loftier than others, like wanting to go the whole year without sweets versus wanting to stop picking at my lips, keeping them in a perpetually chapped and dry/cracked state.
Another resolution I have is to not use one HPT or OPK, not check my cervical position or ponder on the quality of my cervical mucus ONCE in 2012. I vaguely wonder what I would do if I really did think I was pregnant. I think I'll allow myself some leniency if my period comes back regularly and then disappears for 75 days. That sounds good to me. I'm looking forward to this resolution, though. I realized the other day that I have used an HPT at least once every year since Matt and I have been married. I've never had a reason not to, and until today I had never before hoped that a test would be negative. It was kind of foreign to me, to be glad to see just one line (I had to make certain I wasn't already pregnant, and part of me wanted to test just send the year off with a bang...or lack thereof! Ha) but I really am glad. I'm trying to lose weight, and am HAPPY with my family. I do want more children, but I've fought down the urge to always want to be pregnant. I do love being pregnant, but only because it means there's a baby at the end, and I don't really want a baby in the next year. I want to become a better mother to the two babies I already have.
Anyway, those are my meager resolutions. I'm happy with them, and I think I'll do well. I really do think I'll accomplish each one.
Other than my resolutions, I'm looking forward to 2012 and all that it holds. It's amazing that a year could hold so very much. So much change can happen. Do I want change? I don't know. At this point in time all I really want is to go to bed (so my apologies if this post is becoming a lot more rushed and a lot less coherent) but I do want to potentially buy a house in the fall of 2012. I want to get better at photography. I want to figure out how to make a Mei Tei baby carrier. I want to finish my crocheted blanket. I want both Elijah and Abigail to start talking in 2012, and I want to lose this weight that is sitting all around my middle. I want to go clothes shopping for something other than maternity tops and jeans, and I want to stop feeling so exposed and self-conscious in front of my slender friends. I want a little more confidence in my step, a little more happiness in my tone, and a little more of my faith to manifest itself in my thoughts and words.
I DO want 2012 to be a year of change for us. Not big changes, like 2011, just little ones. Little accomplishments and triumphs and little progressions, thus molding myself, little by little, into the beautiful person I so want to be.
Come on 2012. Be good to us. (and maybe hold out until at least 2013 to end us all, just to prove the fanatics wrong about that whole Mayan calendar nonsense. Or maybe just wait until 2013 so that I can have a few more pieces of chocolate before I die. Pretty please?)
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