So in July I got a pedicure with some girlfriends and I was introduced to the magic of O.P.I. nail polish. I bought some, and decided to pamper myself with more, to the point where I was trying a new one out every week until 2 weeks ago. I promised myself that I'd keep painting my toenails until I no longer could, at which point I'd stop (rather than get Matt to do it for me...he loves me for it. ;) )
Well, I've actually managed to paint my toenails right up until my due date! Quite the feat, if you ask me, although sitting cross-legged is pretty comfy to me. And it's worked out well because I few weeks ago I noticed that my polish-less nails look rather sorry, but I can only wear flip-flops right now so I'm waiting until the swelling goes down in my feet (post-baby) to retire the nail polish for the winter months.
But that might all change now. I've stubbed my toes a few times over the last few months, but today I really stubbed it. As in, took a chunk off of my big toenail to the point where it bled. And the ironic thing? It didn't even hurt like other times I've stubbed my toes, but it still happened 2 days past my due date, so the chances of my nail recovering before this baby is born? Slim to none, I'd say.
And now this is where it gets really ridiculous, but I really liked the thought of being in labour and having hot toenails. I'm talking, I'll paint them bright red in early labour if I have to.
And then I go and take a chunk out of it right before!
Go figure.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Done!
And by done, I don't mean me or pregnancy, I mean the blanket I set out to make! I learned how to crochet 3 weeks ago today, I made 2 granny squares, and then set out to make this blanket. It was so easy, and so much fun! I was really worried about getting it finished by the time Baby Girl got here, but that is officially no longer a concern, it has been crossed off the "to do" list. And maybe, juuuuuuust maybe, now that it's done something in my body will trigger labour. Because I wasn't ready before. Hahaha, totally not happening (at least, it didn't work for Elijah...) but that's okay.
Anyway, my (or Baby Girl's) blanket. I love it. Love, love, love it. And I'm especially proud of the edging, which I just learned how to do last night after many an "ARG!" and "What the crap?!"
Here are some pictures:
[caption id="attachment_1080" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="In all its glory."]
[/caption]
[caption id="attachment_1081" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="A perspective shot with a Thomas train, so that you can see the actual size of it."]
[/caption]
[caption id="attachment_1082" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="The pretty picot edging I learned how to do."]
[/caption]
These were the "before" photos, as in, before I tempted fate and put it through the wash. I know I could just hand-wash it, but I feel like baby blankets need to go through the wash. Elijah has drooled/puked/peed/spit up on his baby blanket, and I just...think it's gross if I can't wash that sort of stuff out in the washing machine. It does a much better job than I. So I took these photos as proof that, whether it unraveled or not, I really HAD made this pretty blanket, and it really WAS intact once upon a time.
And the good news? It's still intact after the wash cycle! So Baby Girl will get to use it at least once. I feel so little confidence in my own abilities, that I'm sure it'll fall apart one of these days, and when it does I'll cry. But in the meantime, it feels so good to have made something for my daughter. I would not lament having 2 boys, should this baby turn out to be a boy, but I would definitely be sad if all the pretty things I've been putting so much time into making were for the wrong gender. Because if this baby is a boy, and I had have KNOWN that, the blanket would not have been pink.
And one last thing about the blanket before I bore myself with all these details. Can I just say how proud I am to have done it all on my own? From learning to crochet in the first place to finishing my first ever project, I have been self-motivated and taught, and it feels so good. Ever since I mentioned learning to crochet and then making this blanket my mom has been asking to come up and show me some crochet tricks, which is very kind of her and I'd love to do so, but I honestly just wanted to finish this first. I wanted (and I think needed) to do this on my own, to feel independent, to boost my confidence, to look at it knowing no-one had a hand in it, and that I made that. I know it's pride at its best, not wanting anyone else to help me, and wanting the credit for every ounce of it, but it is what it is, and I'm glad I did it.
Now? Bring on the tips and tricks! Bring on the lessons and get-togethers and help. I don't think I'll mind from here on out.
Anyway, in other news, well...there really isn't much to report. My friend, Farrah, who was going to be here for when the baby is born, is now away for the weekend, and won't be home until Monday sometime. But then, when Monday hits, the MW I like a little less is on call (I still love her, but my favourite is on call until Monday) so I'd rather have the baby before then, but I still want Farrah there. It really sucks. Also, it's Canadian Thanksgiving this weekend, and part of me loves that fact, and part of me hates it. It looks like I'll still be pregnant tomorrow to go to the craft show which thrills me, but at the same time, that's it. I had better go into labour that night. Because if I'm in labour on Monday when Matt's entire extended family is next door for dinner I'll go crazy. I feel like I wouldn't care if they all knew I was in labour, if only they weren't next door. What is it about that that bothers me so much? I don't know.
I dislike that so many things require my attendance this weekend, because it'll be impossible to go into labour and have the baby unnoticed, and I really didn't feel like doing the "Holly's in labour" shout-outs this time. I don't want Matt leaving to give updates, I just want to call once the baby is here.
Knowing my luck, this is all moot anyway, because she'll just come uber late like Elijah. Joel and Heidi were in town up to 12 days beyond my due date with Elijah, and when was he born? 13 days late. Yeah, they missed it by a day, and Heidi didn't get to meet him until he was 11 months old, at Christmas. :(
So yeah, I'm probably stressing over nothing. Or, she'll come super late simply BECAUSE I'm stressing about it.
This is going to sound snobbish of me, but I'm starting to get really annoyed, hearing about people who are due in October and have already had their babies. Well, that's not accurate. If they hit their due date, fine! But people who go a week or 2 early? SO not fair! And people who were due after me? What gives?!
Really, I'm happy for them, but anxious for me. I want this so much, unpreparedness and anxieties included. It feels impossible, that I'm already 2 days overdue, and even more impossible that it'll ever happen.
Anyway, I think I've rambled quite enough for now. I don't want it to turn negative and anxiety-ridden, because I'm actually doing well today, having finished my blanket, and knowing that it's the weekend.
Do you know what's weird? I feel this baby move, and she is so low right now. I feel like she's moving against my cervix, I can feel little rolls and shuffles, and it's strange to think that I haven't felt this my whole life, I'm so used to feeling it. What's even weirder, though, is that I know in the future I'll have a difficult time remembering what this feels like at all. I'll sit down and say, "Wow, I was pregnant! I felt all those things, and had a BABY inside of me!" and I'll be in awe and have a hard time recalling all the little details that are so present in my life right now. In my journal one day (before I started using this as my journal) I decided to write down every emotion, sensation, experience I could remember about pregnancy, just to remind myself that it really did happen with Elijah. The exercise worked, and I was grateful to have remembered so much. It's just wild to think that I'm going to have a hard time remembering NOW. Enjoying feeling the kicks but getting more excited to see her kick in person. Daydreaming about what she looks like versus knowing what she looks like.
Crazy pants.
Anyway, I'm going to finish this up, get some water, and look up baby hats to crochet. Because now I'm on a roll! Except I need to sew up that nursing cover tonight. Still though, YAY! I love life right now. It's so....good.
P.S. I finally managed to post the 39 and 40 week photos. I feel like my 40 week photo is huge, and that I don't really look that big, but people keep telling me I really am that big, so I guess it's accurate?? I dunno.
Anyway, my (or Baby Girl's) blanket. I love it. Love, love, love it. And I'm especially proud of the edging, which I just learned how to do last night after many an "ARG!" and "What the crap?!"
Here are some pictures:
[caption id="attachment_1080" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="In all its glory."]
[/caption][caption id="attachment_1081" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="A perspective shot with a Thomas train, so that you can see the actual size of it."]
[/caption][caption id="attachment_1082" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="The pretty picot edging I learned how to do."]
[/caption]These were the "before" photos, as in, before I tempted fate and put it through the wash. I know I could just hand-wash it, but I feel like baby blankets need to go through the wash. Elijah has drooled/puked/peed/spit up on his baby blanket, and I just...think it's gross if I can't wash that sort of stuff out in the washing machine. It does a much better job than I. So I took these photos as proof that, whether it unraveled or not, I really HAD made this pretty blanket, and it really WAS intact once upon a time.
And the good news? It's still intact after the wash cycle! So Baby Girl will get to use it at least once. I feel so little confidence in my own abilities, that I'm sure it'll fall apart one of these days, and when it does I'll cry. But in the meantime, it feels so good to have made something for my daughter. I would not lament having 2 boys, should this baby turn out to be a boy, but I would definitely be sad if all the pretty things I've been putting so much time into making were for the wrong gender. Because if this baby is a boy, and I had have KNOWN that, the blanket would not have been pink.
And one last thing about the blanket before I bore myself with all these details. Can I just say how proud I am to have done it all on my own? From learning to crochet in the first place to finishing my first ever project, I have been self-motivated and taught, and it feels so good. Ever since I mentioned learning to crochet and then making this blanket my mom has been asking to come up and show me some crochet tricks, which is very kind of her and I'd love to do so, but I honestly just wanted to finish this first. I wanted (and I think needed) to do this on my own, to feel independent, to boost my confidence, to look at it knowing no-one had a hand in it, and that I made that. I know it's pride at its best, not wanting anyone else to help me, and wanting the credit for every ounce of it, but it is what it is, and I'm glad I did it.
Now? Bring on the tips and tricks! Bring on the lessons and get-togethers and help. I don't think I'll mind from here on out.
Anyway, in other news, well...there really isn't much to report. My friend, Farrah, who was going to be here for when the baby is born, is now away for the weekend, and won't be home until Monday sometime. But then, when Monday hits, the MW I like a little less is on call (I still love her, but my favourite is on call until Monday) so I'd rather have the baby before then, but I still want Farrah there. It really sucks. Also, it's Canadian Thanksgiving this weekend, and part of me loves that fact, and part of me hates it. It looks like I'll still be pregnant tomorrow to go to the craft show which thrills me, but at the same time, that's it. I had better go into labour that night. Because if I'm in labour on Monday when Matt's entire extended family is next door for dinner I'll go crazy. I feel like I wouldn't care if they all knew I was in labour, if only they weren't next door. What is it about that that bothers me so much? I don't know.
I dislike that so many things require my attendance this weekend, because it'll be impossible to go into labour and have the baby unnoticed, and I really didn't feel like doing the "Holly's in labour" shout-outs this time. I don't want Matt leaving to give updates, I just want to call once the baby is here.
Knowing my luck, this is all moot anyway, because she'll just come uber late like Elijah. Joel and Heidi were in town up to 12 days beyond my due date with Elijah, and when was he born? 13 days late. Yeah, they missed it by a day, and Heidi didn't get to meet him until he was 11 months old, at Christmas. :(
So yeah, I'm probably stressing over nothing. Or, she'll come super late simply BECAUSE I'm stressing about it.
This is going to sound snobbish of me, but I'm starting to get really annoyed, hearing about people who are due in October and have already had their babies. Well, that's not accurate. If they hit their due date, fine! But people who go a week or 2 early? SO not fair! And people who were due after me? What gives?!
Really, I'm happy for them, but anxious for me. I want this so much, unpreparedness and anxieties included. It feels impossible, that I'm already 2 days overdue, and even more impossible that it'll ever happen.
Anyway, I think I've rambled quite enough for now. I don't want it to turn negative and anxiety-ridden, because I'm actually doing well today, having finished my blanket, and knowing that it's the weekend.
Do you know what's weird? I feel this baby move, and she is so low right now. I feel like she's moving against my cervix, I can feel little rolls and shuffles, and it's strange to think that I haven't felt this my whole life, I'm so used to feeling it. What's even weirder, though, is that I know in the future I'll have a difficult time remembering what this feels like at all. I'll sit down and say, "Wow, I was pregnant! I felt all those things, and had a BABY inside of me!" and I'll be in awe and have a hard time recalling all the little details that are so present in my life right now. In my journal one day (before I started using this as my journal) I decided to write down every emotion, sensation, experience I could remember about pregnancy, just to remind myself that it really did happen with Elijah. The exercise worked, and I was grateful to have remembered so much. It's just wild to think that I'm going to have a hard time remembering NOW. Enjoying feeling the kicks but getting more excited to see her kick in person. Daydreaming about what she looks like versus knowing what she looks like.
Crazy pants.
Anyway, I'm going to finish this up, get some water, and look up baby hats to crochet. Because now I'm on a roll! Except I need to sew up that nursing cover tonight. Still though, YAY! I love life right now. It's so....good.
P.S. I finally managed to post the 39 and 40 week photos. I feel like my 40 week photo is huge, and that I don't really look that big, but people keep telling me I really am that big, so I guess it's accurate?? I dunno.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Due (A.K.A. 40w0d)
How Far Along: 40w0d
Weight Gain: Roughly 28lb’s
What I Miss: This might seem like a funny thing to miss, but I miss knowing whether what I'm feeling is pregnancy- (and therefore hormone-) induced, or real and valid. I feel so confused lately, my emotions have been off the wall, and sometimes I get upset when Matt says, "It's okay, it'll be better once you've had the baby." I know he's not trying to be insensitive, he sees these things better than I do and is 100 times more logical than I am, but it still feels like my frustrations are not being validated when they are quite real to me. I just...struggle with this lately. I hope that doesn't sound like I'm complaining, I don't mean for it to, and I'm not wishing my pregnancy away simply because I'm emotional, but...you get the point.
What I’m Looking Forward To: The craft show and Thanksgiving celebrations this weekend, and meeting our little girl.
Milestones: I don't think it gets much more milestone-y than hitting your due date!
Emotions: As I've said already, my emotions are off the wall. I fluctuate between disbelief that I'm even pregnant, excitement, irritation, sadness, guilt, and impatience.
Belly Photo:
[caption id="attachment_1089" align="aligncenter" width="199" caption="Huge. Way huger than I feel, at least."]
[/caption]
So yeah, 40 weeks! That is still so so SO surreal to me. I told my MW today at my appointment that I need her to tell me that I really am pregnant and about to have a baby. She seemed as though she doesn't often encounter this sort of disbelief, and I didn't know what to tell her. If I could peg myself at any gestational period, I'd say I felt 32 weeks pregnant when I actually do process the fact that I'm going to have a baby. It doesn't feel nearly as close as it is.
I'll be honest, a part of me is freaking out. I'm not ready! I haven't finished the blanket I'm crocheting, and I need to make that nursing cover still! I don't even have a hospital bag packed, which isn't too big a deal as I plan to deliver at home anyway, but still! I should have something gathered, or a list written out, but no. There's not enough time in the day lately.
Also, I've been feeling really really guilty lately. I look at Elijah and my heart just explodes with love for him. He is so wonderful, and doing the cutest, silliest things. He's so coy with people trying to get a smile out of him, and when he's doing something he knows he shouldn't do, he raises his eyebrows a little, looks around at everyone, and then starts smiling and laughing the second anyone cracks a smile. He cracks me up all the time, and I love him so much. I feel shocked that our time just the two of us is drawing to a close, and I feel worried that I won't be able to give him the attention and love he needs. Then I think, "What was I THINKING, wanting to get pregnant again so soon?!" And then I feel guilty for this baby, that she won't get the 1.5 years of undivided attention, that she'll have to deal with Elijah swiping her soother (if she takes it) and jumping on her (which I'm sure he will at some point) and just....yeah. Such guilt.
Anyway, enough blahness, I'm actually having a really good day today. My friend Farrah called me up a couple days ago and said, "You're not sitting around on your due date, we're going out!" so we went to this historic town with lots of nice shops that is around here, and we walked with the theory that we might induce labour that way. In reality, we were walking way too slow to do anything, but still, it was nice to be out and have plans. Then I had a midwife appointment at 2. Soon we're going to go pick up Matt from work and have take-out chinese at Dave and Farrah's, and then I'm off to a bridal shower. A pretty full day, huh? It feels great. AND I managed to find time to paint my toenails before my appointment! I'm feeling pretty great right now, in spite of the parking ticket that I got when we went out this morning...hahaha.
Oh, and my appointment today? I got checked! Okay, so that might seem confusing, or completely random, but with Elijah they wouldn't even check to see if I'm dilated or effaced until I was a week overdue, when they were going to do a membrane stripping. So I was pretty excited today. Not that it meant anything, especially since I'm not effaced at all and only a fingertip dilated, but still. It was exciting. The good news is that my cervix is very soft, and, while not completely low, it's mid, which I'll take. It's actually exactly as I thought I'd be right now, which is good for my psyche because if she had said I was 3cm and I still went 2 weeks late, I'd be going crazy by the end of the 2 weeks. And I know there's still the possibility that I'll have the baby tomorrow (no joke, I had a friend who was not even remotely favourable for induction, and then had her baby the next day, completely natural and not induced.)
Anyway, other than that, my BP was 120/70, and Baby Girl was kicking away. Actually, she stuck her butt out a few times, and it was incredible to see my stomach move so much. I'll miss that.
That's about it. Elijah is up now, but I'm going to see about taking a belly photo right now. Or maybe I'll get Matt to take my last one later once I'm home from the shower. Either way. :D
Weight Gain: Roughly 28lb’s
What I Miss: This might seem like a funny thing to miss, but I miss knowing whether what I'm feeling is pregnancy- (and therefore hormone-) induced, or real and valid. I feel so confused lately, my emotions have been off the wall, and sometimes I get upset when Matt says, "It's okay, it'll be better once you've had the baby." I know he's not trying to be insensitive, he sees these things better than I do and is 100 times more logical than I am, but it still feels like my frustrations are not being validated when they are quite real to me. I just...struggle with this lately. I hope that doesn't sound like I'm complaining, I don't mean for it to, and I'm not wishing my pregnancy away simply because I'm emotional, but...you get the point.
What I’m Looking Forward To: The craft show and Thanksgiving celebrations this weekend, and meeting our little girl.
Milestones: I don't think it gets much more milestone-y than hitting your due date!
Emotions: As I've said already, my emotions are off the wall. I fluctuate between disbelief that I'm even pregnant, excitement, irritation, sadness, guilt, and impatience.
Belly Photo:
[caption id="attachment_1089" align="aligncenter" width="199" caption="Huge. Way huger than I feel, at least."]
[/caption]So yeah, 40 weeks! That is still so so SO surreal to me. I told my MW today at my appointment that I need her to tell me that I really am pregnant and about to have a baby. She seemed as though she doesn't often encounter this sort of disbelief, and I didn't know what to tell her. If I could peg myself at any gestational period, I'd say I felt 32 weeks pregnant when I actually do process the fact that I'm going to have a baby. It doesn't feel nearly as close as it is.
I'll be honest, a part of me is freaking out. I'm not ready! I haven't finished the blanket I'm crocheting, and I need to make that nursing cover still! I don't even have a hospital bag packed, which isn't too big a deal as I plan to deliver at home anyway, but still! I should have something gathered, or a list written out, but no. There's not enough time in the day lately.
Also, I've been feeling really really guilty lately. I look at Elijah and my heart just explodes with love for him. He is so wonderful, and doing the cutest, silliest things. He's so coy with people trying to get a smile out of him, and when he's doing something he knows he shouldn't do, he raises his eyebrows a little, looks around at everyone, and then starts smiling and laughing the second anyone cracks a smile. He cracks me up all the time, and I love him so much. I feel shocked that our time just the two of us is drawing to a close, and I feel worried that I won't be able to give him the attention and love he needs. Then I think, "What was I THINKING, wanting to get pregnant again so soon?!" And then I feel guilty for this baby, that she won't get the 1.5 years of undivided attention, that she'll have to deal with Elijah swiping her soother (if she takes it) and jumping on her (which I'm sure he will at some point) and just....yeah. Such guilt.
Anyway, enough blahness, I'm actually having a really good day today. My friend Farrah called me up a couple days ago and said, "You're not sitting around on your due date, we're going out!" so we went to this historic town with lots of nice shops that is around here, and we walked with the theory that we might induce labour that way. In reality, we were walking way too slow to do anything, but still, it was nice to be out and have plans. Then I had a midwife appointment at 2. Soon we're going to go pick up Matt from work and have take-out chinese at Dave and Farrah's, and then I'm off to a bridal shower. A pretty full day, huh? It feels great. AND I managed to find time to paint my toenails before my appointment! I'm feeling pretty great right now, in spite of the parking ticket that I got when we went out this morning...hahaha.
Oh, and my appointment today? I got checked! Okay, so that might seem confusing, or completely random, but with Elijah they wouldn't even check to see if I'm dilated or effaced until I was a week overdue, when they were going to do a membrane stripping. So I was pretty excited today. Not that it meant anything, especially since I'm not effaced at all and only a fingertip dilated, but still. It was exciting. The good news is that my cervix is very soft, and, while not completely low, it's mid, which I'll take. It's actually exactly as I thought I'd be right now, which is good for my psyche because if she had said I was 3cm and I still went 2 weeks late, I'd be going crazy by the end of the 2 weeks. And I know there's still the possibility that I'll have the baby tomorrow (no joke, I had a friend who was not even remotely favourable for induction, and then had her baby the next day, completely natural and not induced.)
Anyway, other than that, my BP was 120/70, and Baby Girl was kicking away. Actually, she stuck her butt out a few times, and it was incredible to see my stomach move so much. I'll miss that.
That's about it. Elijah is up now, but I'm going to see about taking a belly photo right now. Or maybe I'll get Matt to take my last one later once I'm home from the shower. Either way. :D
Saturday, October 1, 2011
39w3d (yes, I'm late!)
How Far Along: 39w3d
Weight Gain: Roughly 28lb's
Maternity Clothes: ...are getting too small. There's this pair of pants I can't wear because it cuts into the belly and the legs are too tight for my ultra-swollen, water-retentive legs. Also, a lot of shirts are getting too short.
Symptoms: I don't know how to answer this one this week. Let's just say OF COURSE I'm feeling "symptoms of being pregnant," what 39-weeks-pregnant person wouldn't?!
Sleep: Ahhh sleep. The whole reason this post is late-in-coming in the first place. I, for one, am sleeping fine. Yes, I get up 3 times a night to go pee, and yes I wake up to roll over all the time, but I've become a pro at falling back asleep quickly, so I barely notice it. Elijah, on the other hand, decided that now, at the end of my pregnancy, would be a good time to start crying out in the middle of the night for apparently no reason, and REALLY crying out, nigh unto screaming bloody murder if he lost his soother. It's quite the ordeal! On Wednesday I was in such a foul mood about it, but I decided it'd be best to not post that grouchy update, and do it later, so here it is. :D
Best Moment of the Week: Matthew's and my date last night is definitely up there, we had such a good time. It was kind of funny to think that it would likely be our last night baby-free like that until I'm done nursing this baby. Also, Matt letting me sleep in from 6:30 until 7:30 Wednesday morning was so nice.
Movement: Yes, and holy hannah, sometimes it HURTS!
Food cravings: Apple juice? Milk? Powerade? OH I know, I'm craving those new Tim Horton's bagels, called Maple Cinnamon French Toast. Toast it with butter and pass me a chocolate milk, and this girl is in heaven.
Gender: A girl! Or at least, she had better be, I've put lots of work into making everything girly! I'm kidding of course (not about the work, but about the 'better be!') I love that we're having a girl, but I'd love it if we had a boy too. Two boys would be so much fun! And our girl can come later (I'm not saying that because I feel that a girl is a must. I just know, for my own reasons, that we'll have a girl someday. If it's not now? Fine by me, I can wait. And enjoy the bliss of two boys!) Oh, and if it's not a girl, but is a boy instead, I'm thinking of the names Ian, Felix, Graeme, Edmund (even though my sister makes fun of this name) or Adam. Because I need to have possibilities!
What I Miss: Energy to play with Elijah. I get jealous when I see people tossing him in the air and kneeling on the floor to play with him. My legs are so swollen that the pressure on the nerves make them feel perma-bruised, and it hurts to do anything.
What I’m Looking Forward To: The next session of General Conference tomorrow (yay!) hitting my due date on Wednesday, the craft show coming up next weekend, and of course meeting this little girl.
Milestones: Hitting single digits this past week. It felt like such a big deal, going from 50 to 40 to 30, and now we're really and truly in the home-stretch. Though it doesn't feel like it, which I talk about more below.
Emotions: Well, over the last few days I've been doing better, but this week has been rough emotionally. I honestly feel like a train wreck of emotions half the time, and Matt is having a hard time with it. I'm like a yo-yo, and he is steady, so when I get him down, and then pop back up, I tend to expect him to pop up too, so when he doesn't, and it takes him a little longer, I get upset again, and yo-yo downwards, and the cycle begins again. It's awful.
Belly Photo:
I'll put up the photo tomorrow, once I get it off of my camera, though I have to warn you, it's not all that impressive. I look big and pregnant, but I don't personally feel like I look ready to pop. My one MW loves my belly, though, and it makes me happy. She says I look all belly (I just figure she hasn't seen my naked thighs or butt yet) and that I have this perfect, round belly. I like it too, so I just say thanks!
Anyway, I was reading something funny today. Although, it's not going to seem funny-haha, but more funny-whoa. Here is a comment I read on a thread from my guilty pleasure, The Bump:
I'm sorry. I'm not due until Wednesday, but I've been miserable all day. I've already cried once, and I feel nautious and icky. So much pressure down there, total period like cramps. I feel your pain. Also, I've been the same 1cm dialated for the past two freakin' weeks! Good luck to us all...
What's so funny about that, you ask? Well, when I first read her comment I thought, "Yep, that's what it feels like to be at the end and not know when the baby is coming. What's she so upset about, though? Her baby will be here so ridiculously soon, why bother stressing about it?" And THEN I realized that she's due on the same day I am, and that MY baby will be here ridiculously soon, and why am I not stressing about it myself?!
It's strange though, because I'm not. I'm nesting, yes. I cleaned for hours this morning, determined to finish certain tasks just because, who knows? But really I don't believe that "Who knows?" thought. It's deceived me before, taught me to not think so much about having everything perfect and ready on the due date or sooner, and then sit and wait FOREVER (really, 13 days) until your baby actually comes.
I mean, I haven't even packed a hospital bag yet, and I'm not remotely upset or stressed about it.
Is there something wrong with me? Am I just in complete and utter denial? I kind of feel like I am, most of the time. I think about having the baby not in terms of labour, delivery, pain, baby, being a mother to a second sweet child, etc. I think about having the baby more in terms of not swelling, not having sulphur burps, not weighing the same as my husband, wearing my wedding rings, and being able to work out. And I know that that seriously smells of ingratitude and complaining, but I swear it's not. It's just, my mind does not even GO THERE. It just doesn't go to sleepless nights, nursing, double strollers and adoring strangers. Weird, huh? It's like I'm not really about to have a baby at all. Like, to the point where sometimes I do actually start to worry that this baby must be destined to die in utero or L & D simply because I can't picture life WITH her, so I must just have to live life WITHOUT her. Morbid, I know, and conflicting. It's a puzzle to me, too.
I had this dream a couple nights ago, and in this dream I'd had our baby girl via an induction and c-section, and I remembered nothing about the experience. Our girl was small, tiny even, with 1-inch long spiky dark hair, and she looked just like Elijah. I was struggling the dream, trying to make sure her name was really the right name for her before we told everyone what her name was. I didn't manage to solve the puzzle before waking up, but it was a nice dream that made me happy.
Anyway, I'm going to wrap this up. I just noticed that I'm sitting her with my head relaxed back as far as it'll go while typing, mostly because I'm tired and don't want it to fall forwards. At least, I think that's the reason. Can you really think of a reason for why your body is all of a sudden in a position that's not normal? Is it a form of sleep-walking? Hmm.
Anyway, that's all for now. 4 days until DD, and 17 or less until Baby Girl (because I refuse to go more overdue than I went with Elijah.) WEIRD!
Weight Gain: Roughly 28lb's
Maternity Clothes: ...are getting too small. There's this pair of pants I can't wear because it cuts into the belly and the legs are too tight for my ultra-swollen, water-retentive legs. Also, a lot of shirts are getting too short.
Symptoms: I don't know how to answer this one this week. Let's just say OF COURSE I'm feeling "symptoms of being pregnant," what 39-weeks-pregnant person wouldn't?!
Sleep: Ahhh sleep. The whole reason this post is late-in-coming in the first place. I, for one, am sleeping fine. Yes, I get up 3 times a night to go pee, and yes I wake up to roll over all the time, but I've become a pro at falling back asleep quickly, so I barely notice it. Elijah, on the other hand, decided that now, at the end of my pregnancy, would be a good time to start crying out in the middle of the night for apparently no reason, and REALLY crying out, nigh unto screaming bloody murder if he lost his soother. It's quite the ordeal! On Wednesday I was in such a foul mood about it, but I decided it'd be best to not post that grouchy update, and do it later, so here it is. :D
Best Moment of the Week: Matthew's and my date last night is definitely up there, we had such a good time. It was kind of funny to think that it would likely be our last night baby-free like that until I'm done nursing this baby. Also, Matt letting me sleep in from 6:30 until 7:30 Wednesday morning was so nice.
Movement: Yes, and holy hannah, sometimes it HURTS!
Food cravings: Apple juice? Milk? Powerade? OH I know, I'm craving those new Tim Horton's bagels, called Maple Cinnamon French Toast. Toast it with butter and pass me a chocolate milk, and this girl is in heaven.
Gender: A girl! Or at least, she had better be, I've put lots of work into making everything girly! I'm kidding of course (not about the work, but about the 'better be!') I love that we're having a girl, but I'd love it if we had a boy too. Two boys would be so much fun! And our girl can come later (I'm not saying that because I feel that a girl is a must. I just know, for my own reasons, that we'll have a girl someday. If it's not now? Fine by me, I can wait. And enjoy the bliss of two boys!) Oh, and if it's not a girl, but is a boy instead, I'm thinking of the names Ian, Felix, Graeme, Edmund (even though my sister makes fun of this name) or Adam. Because I need to have possibilities!
What I Miss: Energy to play with Elijah. I get jealous when I see people tossing him in the air and kneeling on the floor to play with him. My legs are so swollen that the pressure on the nerves make them feel perma-bruised, and it hurts to do anything.
What I’m Looking Forward To: The next session of General Conference tomorrow (yay!) hitting my due date on Wednesday, the craft show coming up next weekend, and of course meeting this little girl.
Milestones: Hitting single digits this past week. It felt like such a big deal, going from 50 to 40 to 30, and now we're really and truly in the home-stretch. Though it doesn't feel like it, which I talk about more below.
Emotions: Well, over the last few days I've been doing better, but this week has been rough emotionally. I honestly feel like a train wreck of emotions half the time, and Matt is having a hard time with it. I'm like a yo-yo, and he is steady, so when I get him down, and then pop back up, I tend to expect him to pop up too, so when he doesn't, and it takes him a little longer, I get upset again, and yo-yo downwards, and the cycle begins again. It's awful.
Belly Photo:
I'll put up the photo tomorrow, once I get it off of my camera, though I have to warn you, it's not all that impressive. I look big and pregnant, but I don't personally feel like I look ready to pop. My one MW loves my belly, though, and it makes me happy. She says I look all belly (I just figure she hasn't seen my naked thighs or butt yet) and that I have this perfect, round belly. I like it too, so I just say thanks!
Anyway, I was reading something funny today. Although, it's not going to seem funny-haha, but more funny-whoa. Here is a comment I read on a thread from my guilty pleasure, The Bump:
I'm sorry. I'm not due until Wednesday, but I've been miserable all day. I've already cried once, and I feel nautious and icky. So much pressure down there, total period like cramps. I feel your pain. Also, I've been the same 1cm dialated for the past two freakin' weeks! Good luck to us all...
What's so funny about that, you ask? Well, when I first read her comment I thought, "Yep, that's what it feels like to be at the end and not know when the baby is coming. What's she so upset about, though? Her baby will be here so ridiculously soon, why bother stressing about it?" And THEN I realized that she's due on the same day I am, and that MY baby will be here ridiculously soon, and why am I not stressing about it myself?!
It's strange though, because I'm not. I'm nesting, yes. I cleaned for hours this morning, determined to finish certain tasks just because, who knows? But really I don't believe that "Who knows?" thought. It's deceived me before, taught me to not think so much about having everything perfect and ready on the due date or sooner, and then sit and wait FOREVER (really, 13 days) until your baby actually comes.
I mean, I haven't even packed a hospital bag yet, and I'm not remotely upset or stressed about it.
Is there something wrong with me? Am I just in complete and utter denial? I kind of feel like I am, most of the time. I think about having the baby not in terms of labour, delivery, pain, baby, being a mother to a second sweet child, etc. I think about having the baby more in terms of not swelling, not having sulphur burps, not weighing the same as my husband, wearing my wedding rings, and being able to work out. And I know that that seriously smells of ingratitude and complaining, but I swear it's not. It's just, my mind does not even GO THERE. It just doesn't go to sleepless nights, nursing, double strollers and adoring strangers. Weird, huh? It's like I'm not really about to have a baby at all. Like, to the point where sometimes I do actually start to worry that this baby must be destined to die in utero or L & D simply because I can't picture life WITH her, so I must just have to live life WITHOUT her. Morbid, I know, and conflicting. It's a puzzle to me, too.
I had this dream a couple nights ago, and in this dream I'd had our baby girl via an induction and c-section, and I remembered nothing about the experience. Our girl was small, tiny even, with 1-inch long spiky dark hair, and she looked just like Elijah. I was struggling the dream, trying to make sure her name was really the right name for her before we told everyone what her name was. I didn't manage to solve the puzzle before waking up, but it was a nice dream that made me happy.
Anyway, I'm going to wrap this up. I just noticed that I'm sitting her with my head relaxed back as far as it'll go while typing, mostly because I'm tired and don't want it to fall forwards. At least, I think that's the reason. Can you really think of a reason for why your body is all of a sudden in a position that's not normal? Is it a form of sleep-walking? Hmm.
Anyway, that's all for now. 4 days until DD, and 17 or less until Baby Girl (because I refuse to go more overdue than I went with Elijah.) WEIRD!
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
38w0d
How Far Along: 38w0d
Weight Gain: 25 lb’s
Maternity Clothes: Totally
Symptoms: Random contractions, BH contractions, pain from Baby Girl moving around, peeing all the time, sciatic pain, stuffy nose, indigestion that tastes gross coming up, and feels worse coming out. (TMI, I know, but it's relevant for later remarks. Be warned.)
Stretch Marks: Maybe I should just remove this again, now that I've acknowledged that they're there?
Sleep: When Elijah isn't waking me up often from crying, and when a smoke detector isn't going off randomly at 1:50am, I'm sleeping pretty well. Sure I roll over often throughout the night, but I don't even look at the clock anymore to see how often, and I'm back asleep within minutes, if not seconds. I've been getting up to go pee 2-3 times, but even that doesn't throw off sleeping too much.
Best Moment of the Week: Food. It was Rachelle's birthday over the weekend, so mum made cake one day, and we had dinner there the next day and she made the skor pudding with brownie thing. I love it.
Movement: Yep, some jabs, and lots of waves, rolls and stretches. Every time I feel it, I can't help but imagine Baby Girl making all those movements outside of me, and having the room she wants (and needs!) to stretch out!
Food cravings: Milk, Rolos, Wendy’s 1/4 lb single meal with a chocolate frostie
Gender: A girl!
What I Miss: Sleeping in, but that’s not pregnancy-related, that’s just having kids related. When I was pregnant with Elijah I would sleep in until 9am most days, and after having him I was able to sleep until 10am every morning for months before Matt decided to stop working from home for that time and force me to get up earlier. I know it was a change that needed to happen, but I seriously miss sleeping as long as my body wants to, and it’s about to get even harder to do so!
What I’m Looking Forward To: Going into labour (as I mentioned last week) but also the mom-to-mom sale this weekend, painting my toenails this afternoon, and spending time with Tiffany and Julia tomorrow evening. OH and finishing my baby blanket for Baby Girl!
Milestones: 38 weeks. Apparently even though full-term is 37 weeks, my midwives recommended not hoping I go into labour then, as the baby isn't quite...fully full-term until 38 weeks. So yeah for that!
Emotions: Irritated often, weepy, bored yet excited, it's a jumble to me. I used the word 'vacillate' this morning, and Matt said it's a good word that describes me really well right now. I can't help but agree!
Belly Photo: (to be taken later)
So, I'm torn right now. Or, as I said to Matt, I vacillate between being ecstatic that I'm already 38 weeks, and morose that I'm only only 38 weeks. And sometimes, even a little worried that I'm already 38 weeks.
Yesterday I was excited to be this far. This morning it feels like nothing. And then in the middle of the night, when I got up for the 3rd time to go pee, I thought to myself, "I don't really want a baby right now."
This is all just so silly! I know that I am excited. I know that the baby will come when she is good and ready, which could be any day, but is more likely than not in about 2.5 to 3 weeks. And as for not wanting a baby, that's just ridiculous. Of course I want this baby. I want her SO much. I just am not looking forward to getting up more than the 2-3 times a night I already get up to go pee, and combining STAYING up for 30-60 minutes at a time. Oh the other hand, however, I AM looking forward to nursing this little one, so that'll offset the difficulty of having a newborn. I know this. I just tend to forget it at 4:30am.
Another thing that has been...interesting lately is my mindset on when I go into labour.
With Elijah, 38 weeks occurred right on New Years Eve. I was feeling blue that he was not going to come in 2009, and I felt that, since he could have come any time in that week of full-term-ness and didn't, that he definitely WOULD come before my due date. This isn't making sense, but suffice it to say that I felt sure he'd be early. So every day was tense, exciting, and inevitably disappointing. To say going 13 days overdue was torture is a serious understatement!
So this time, I feel like I'm being wiser about it. I don't just know logically that the average 2nd baby is born 3 days past her due date, I also know psychologically that going extremely late is a possibility, nay, even a probability in my case, given how late Elijah was. I don't expect this baby to be at all early (in fact, I'd prefer an October birthday for her anyway.) It's made this countdown a lot easier, and in a way, a lot more surreal (as I wrote about in my last post.) I just realized that part of the surreality of it is that I could have a baby any day, but that I don't really believe it WILL be any day.
But then, there are things that I'm feeling that I never felt at this point with Elijah, and it makes me wonder if I'm going to go into labour soon. For instance, random, but real contractions.
I would add increased BM onto the list of things that might indicate impending labour, but I just figured this all out this morning. I was thinking, "Maybe I'm going to go into labour tonight! These BM have been insane!" (haha totally TMI, but I did warn you!) but then I clued in that it's because of this awful indigestion I've been experiencing. Every time I get the pressure and sulphur burps, then the next day my stomach aches pretty much all day. Another reason I'm feeling done. ;)
Anyway, now that I've bared all I'm going to finish this up and spend some time with my little man. Maybe I can manage to keep him from getting injured some more than he already has been in the last 24 hours. First a bee sting, then ultra diaper rash, and lastly pinching his belly in bi-fold doors. Poor baby!
Weight Gain: 25 lb’s
Maternity Clothes: Totally
Symptoms: Random contractions, BH contractions, pain from Baby Girl moving around, peeing all the time, sciatic pain, stuffy nose, indigestion that tastes gross coming up, and feels worse coming out. (TMI, I know, but it's relevant for later remarks. Be warned.)
Stretch Marks: Maybe I should just remove this again, now that I've acknowledged that they're there?
Sleep: When Elijah isn't waking me up often from crying, and when a smoke detector isn't going off randomly at 1:50am, I'm sleeping pretty well. Sure I roll over often throughout the night, but I don't even look at the clock anymore to see how often, and I'm back asleep within minutes, if not seconds. I've been getting up to go pee 2-3 times, but even that doesn't throw off sleeping too much.
Best Moment of the Week: Food. It was Rachelle's birthday over the weekend, so mum made cake one day, and we had dinner there the next day and she made the skor pudding with brownie thing. I love it.
Movement: Yep, some jabs, and lots of waves, rolls and stretches. Every time I feel it, I can't help but imagine Baby Girl making all those movements outside of me, and having the room she wants (and needs!) to stretch out!
Food cravings: Milk, Rolos, Wendy’s 1/4 lb single meal with a chocolate frostie
Gender: A girl!
What I Miss: Sleeping in, but that’s not pregnancy-related, that’s just having kids related. When I was pregnant with Elijah I would sleep in until 9am most days, and after having him I was able to sleep until 10am every morning for months before Matt decided to stop working from home for that time and force me to get up earlier. I know it was a change that needed to happen, but I seriously miss sleeping as long as my body wants to, and it’s about to get even harder to do so!
What I’m Looking Forward To: Going into labour (as I mentioned last week) but also the mom-to-mom sale this weekend, painting my toenails this afternoon, and spending time with Tiffany and Julia tomorrow evening. OH and finishing my baby blanket for Baby Girl!
Milestones: 38 weeks. Apparently even though full-term is 37 weeks, my midwives recommended not hoping I go into labour then, as the baby isn't quite...fully full-term until 38 weeks. So yeah for that!
Emotions: Irritated often, weepy, bored yet excited, it's a jumble to me. I used the word 'vacillate' this morning, and Matt said it's a good word that describes me really well right now. I can't help but agree!
Belly Photo: (to be taken later)
So, I'm torn right now. Or, as I said to Matt, I vacillate between being ecstatic that I'm already 38 weeks, and morose that I'm only only 38 weeks. And sometimes, even a little worried that I'm already 38 weeks.
Yesterday I was excited to be this far. This morning it feels like nothing. And then in the middle of the night, when I got up for the 3rd time to go pee, I thought to myself, "I don't really want a baby right now."
This is all just so silly! I know that I am excited. I know that the baby will come when she is good and ready, which could be any day, but is more likely than not in about 2.5 to 3 weeks. And as for not wanting a baby, that's just ridiculous. Of course I want this baby. I want her SO much. I just am not looking forward to getting up more than the 2-3 times a night I already get up to go pee, and combining STAYING up for 30-60 minutes at a time. Oh the other hand, however, I AM looking forward to nursing this little one, so that'll offset the difficulty of having a newborn. I know this. I just tend to forget it at 4:30am.
Another thing that has been...interesting lately is my mindset on when I go into labour.
With Elijah, 38 weeks occurred right on New Years Eve. I was feeling blue that he was not going to come in 2009, and I felt that, since he could have come any time in that week of full-term-ness and didn't, that he definitely WOULD come before my due date. This isn't making sense, but suffice it to say that I felt sure he'd be early. So every day was tense, exciting, and inevitably disappointing. To say going 13 days overdue was torture is a serious understatement!
So this time, I feel like I'm being wiser about it. I don't just know logically that the average 2nd baby is born 3 days past her due date, I also know psychologically that going extremely late is a possibility, nay, even a probability in my case, given how late Elijah was. I don't expect this baby to be at all early (in fact, I'd prefer an October birthday for her anyway.) It's made this countdown a lot easier, and in a way, a lot more surreal (as I wrote about in my last post.) I just realized that part of the surreality of it is that I could have a baby any day, but that I don't really believe it WILL be any day.
But then, there are things that I'm feeling that I never felt at this point with Elijah, and it makes me wonder if I'm going to go into labour soon. For instance, random, but real contractions.
I would add increased BM onto the list of things that might indicate impending labour, but I just figured this all out this morning. I was thinking, "Maybe I'm going to go into labour tonight! These BM have been insane!" (haha totally TMI, but I did warn you!) but then I clued in that it's because of this awful indigestion I've been experiencing. Every time I get the pressure and sulphur burps, then the next day my stomach aches pretty much all day. Another reason I'm feeling done. ;)
Anyway, now that I've bared all I'm going to finish this up and spend some time with my little man. Maybe I can manage to keep him from getting injured some more than he already has been in the last 24 hours. First a bee sting, then ultra diaper rash, and lastly pinching his belly in bi-fold doors. Poor baby!
Monday, September 19, 2011
Surreal
I know I've said it before, how it doesn't really feel real that we'll have another baby soon, but I've been thinking about this a lot today, and for the sake of sorting out my thoughts, I need to write about it (consider this one of the more journal-oriented posts.)
It's funny because, as this pregnancy progresses, it feels like the concept of having another baby becomes increasingly foreign to me. Perhaps I only think that because I'm so far removed from when we found out I was pregnant and all we experienced, but still.
I took a pregnancy test, had my beta levels increase, started to show and wondered what the university students around me thought, did the NT scan, found out we're having a girl. All of these things happened, and it seemed real. Exciting, at times unbelievable so, but there was always the reality there.
I'm trying to think at what point my mind started becoming disconnected to the fact that everything I'm experiencing means 'baby.' I think it might have been when I hit viability, and have hit ever significant milestone since then. Pretty much when the possibility of having a real live baby became...well, possible.
Weird, huh?
And as time has progressed since viability in early June, time has flown (with the exception of moments in August...ha.) For instance, I'm going to be 38 weeks on Thursday. How the heck did that happen?
I don't feel like the person who might have a baby any day. I feel like that must be someone else.
I go through the motions of getting ready for this baby. I bought nursing tank tops today and a gown that I hope to labour in. I have a birth plan written up. I'm crocheting a blanket that I'm praying won't unravel and that my little girl can use. I have a crib and 1/2 a dresser full of pink, purple, white and green clothes, and a bow board covered in bows and just awaiting photos of our little one.
And yet...it's so hard to imagine when I look in the mirror that there is a baby in this stomach of mine. That at one point this baby will want out, I'll labour and deliver this child one way or another, and that firm belly will be gone, replaced by a newborn. A little person, with arms, hands, feet and a face. A bum to clean, toes to kiss, hair (or lack thereof) to play with.
What's even harder than all of this to imagine is that I am only 2-4 weeks of this happening. My limit in terms of over-due-ness is 13 days overdue, which is when I went into labour with Elijah spontaneously. 13 days overdue is 4 weeks tomorrow. So, 4 weeks TOPS.
4 weeks is not long!!! And my due date is even sooner.
Wild.
And not that I'm hoping for it, but reality is that she could quite possibly come any time now. (as an aside, I googled average length of pregnancy and found a study that showed that 1st time mothers on average go to 41w1d, and that the average for subsequent pregnancies if 40w3d. Interesting. That puts me in labour during the craft show. I'll just have to make sure I go on Friday! ;-)
Anyway, the point to all of this rambling is that I'm ridiculously close. 2 weeks ago was not that long ago, and 2 weeks from now is insanely close.
And did I already say "Where the HECK did week 37 go?!" Yes? Sorry for being a broken record. It's my way of attempting to process things.
I have so many hopes for this labour, delivery, postnatal period, baby, my family. It's overwhelming to even think about it. I labour and deliver at home. I hope to do it pain-med free. I hope to not bleed a lot (like, no hemorrhaging like with Elijah.) I hope to not tear as badly. I hope to protect my baby from unwanted baby-holders at church. I hope to breastfeed. I hope to not get mastitis. I hope this baby has hair. I hope Elijah doesn't beat on this little one. I hope he learns to give her kisses and love her.
I am so excited, but it still seems so abstract.
I wonder what she'll look like? I have a feeling she'll look like Elijah, with dark hair and little, dark eyes that barely have a blue tint to them for all of a day, and then go murky brown like Elijah's did. At the same time, I had a dream before I ever got pregnant with this little girl. I dreamt that I gave birth to a baby girl (painlessly and standing up, no less!) and that the name we've had picked out for 1.5 years now was the name we gave our new daughter. I just took one look at her and said aloud, "Well of course your name is ________! How could it be anything else?" and she was blonde with blue eyes. But then later in my dream she was a young girl about 4 years old, and she had sweet, straight, shoulder-length red hair. She was the prettiest thing. I wonder if that was just my imagination, or not? Is that what my daughter will look like? Matt's eyes are not brown like mine, so I secretly hope that one of our children will have his green eyes rather than my brown ones (even though it's actually one of the things I love most about Elijah. He wears his eyes better than I do.)
Anyway, this is starting to become a rambler, which is a sign to wrap it up. I want to be in bed before 10pm tonight anyway.
It's funny because, as this pregnancy progresses, it feels like the concept of having another baby becomes increasingly foreign to me. Perhaps I only think that because I'm so far removed from when we found out I was pregnant and all we experienced, but still.
I took a pregnancy test, had my beta levels increase, started to show and wondered what the university students around me thought, did the NT scan, found out we're having a girl. All of these things happened, and it seemed real. Exciting, at times unbelievable so, but there was always the reality there.
I'm trying to think at what point my mind started becoming disconnected to the fact that everything I'm experiencing means 'baby.' I think it might have been when I hit viability, and have hit ever significant milestone since then. Pretty much when the possibility of having a real live baby became...well, possible.
Weird, huh?
And as time has progressed since viability in early June, time has flown (with the exception of moments in August...ha.) For instance, I'm going to be 38 weeks on Thursday. How the heck did that happen?
I don't feel like the person who might have a baby any day. I feel like that must be someone else.
I go through the motions of getting ready for this baby. I bought nursing tank tops today and a gown that I hope to labour in. I have a birth plan written up. I'm crocheting a blanket that I'm praying won't unravel and that my little girl can use. I have a crib and 1/2 a dresser full of pink, purple, white and green clothes, and a bow board covered in bows and just awaiting photos of our little one.
And yet...it's so hard to imagine when I look in the mirror that there is a baby in this stomach of mine. That at one point this baby will want out, I'll labour and deliver this child one way or another, and that firm belly will be gone, replaced by a newborn. A little person, with arms, hands, feet and a face. A bum to clean, toes to kiss, hair (or lack thereof) to play with.
What's even harder than all of this to imagine is that I am only 2-4 weeks of this happening. My limit in terms of over-due-ness is 13 days overdue, which is when I went into labour with Elijah spontaneously. 13 days overdue is 4 weeks tomorrow. So, 4 weeks TOPS.
4 weeks is not long!!! And my due date is even sooner.
Wild.
And not that I'm hoping for it, but reality is that she could quite possibly come any time now. (as an aside, I googled average length of pregnancy and found a study that showed that 1st time mothers on average go to 41w1d, and that the average for subsequent pregnancies if 40w3d. Interesting. That puts me in labour during the craft show. I'll just have to make sure I go on Friday! ;-)
Anyway, the point to all of this rambling is that I'm ridiculously close. 2 weeks ago was not that long ago, and 2 weeks from now is insanely close.
And did I already say "Where the HECK did week 37 go?!" Yes? Sorry for being a broken record. It's my way of attempting to process things.
I have so many hopes for this labour, delivery, postnatal period, baby, my family. It's overwhelming to even think about it. I labour and deliver at home. I hope to do it pain-med free. I hope to not bleed a lot (like, no hemorrhaging like with Elijah.) I hope to not tear as badly. I hope to protect my baby from unwanted baby-holders at church. I hope to breastfeed. I hope to not get mastitis. I hope this baby has hair. I hope Elijah doesn't beat on this little one. I hope he learns to give her kisses and love her.
I am so excited, but it still seems so abstract.
I wonder what she'll look like? I have a feeling she'll look like Elijah, with dark hair and little, dark eyes that barely have a blue tint to them for all of a day, and then go murky brown like Elijah's did. At the same time, I had a dream before I ever got pregnant with this little girl. I dreamt that I gave birth to a baby girl (painlessly and standing up, no less!) and that the name we've had picked out for 1.5 years now was the name we gave our new daughter. I just took one look at her and said aloud, "Well of course your name is ________! How could it be anything else?" and she was blonde with blue eyes. But then later in my dream she was a young girl about 4 years old, and she had sweet, straight, shoulder-length red hair. She was the prettiest thing. I wonder if that was just my imagination, or not? Is that what my daughter will look like? Matt's eyes are not brown like mine, so I secretly hope that one of our children will have his green eyes rather than my brown ones (even though it's actually one of the things I love most about Elijah. He wears his eyes better than I do.)
Anyway, this is starting to become a rambler, which is a sign to wrap it up. I want to be in bed before 10pm tonight anyway.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Rage issues
Seriously, it's getting to be a little nuts in our household. I feel so unpredictable, like a ticking timebomb, and poor Matthew and Elijah can't keep up.
Today's first grievance? Flies. I really really REALLY can't stand them. People say it's because we live in the country, but they have NOT been this bad all summer. I think it's just because the weather is getting cooler, so it's warmer inside, and smells better too. There are ALWAYS 2 or 3 flies in the van at one time though, and they won't fly out the window or door when it's open, because it gets instantly cooler. So we always have flies in the van, buzzing in front of my face at random times when I'm driving and throwing me into random fits of flailing, swatting rage. And every now and then I have to give it a good "AAAARGH!" and then immediately reassure Elijah that it's not him, it's the flies. Because the poor kid probably think he's either in trouble or that his mommy is insane. The insane part is probably a little true lately.
Because the biggest grievance of today just occurred, and I was nuts. NUTS I tell you.
See, I've been trying to learn to crochet. Okay, I won't be falsely modest, I HAVE been crocheting, and I'm pretty proud of the 2 granny squares I made, especially as the 2nd one turned out to actually BE a square.
But here's the thing. I'm learning from some youtube videos, which is GREAT, except for when Matt is playing his new Red Faction game in the background, which involves shouting, gunshots galore, some swearing, and just general tenseness. See, at times I couldn't hear the video, so I'd snap or whimper because of that (don't even get me started on how pathetic this is. I know it. Really.) and then sometimes, when I was feeling particularly tense about it all, I'd either turn around and glare at Matt, or give off another arg. It was childish. SO childish.
But really, it wasn't that bad or childish until my video stopped, I packed up my stuff, and tried to focus on something other than crocheting. And then I realized that these noises and this video game were consuming every single little part of me, and the feeling in my chest just grew. I don't know how to explain it, except that I felt this enormous tension in my chest that would not go away until the game was paused, and even then I was all mad and contentious so it's wouldn't totally go away. It was like a serious loss of the spirit, or akin to what I imagine people with Asperger's Syndrome experience when they are being audibly distracted. It was impossibly to think of anything else.
So I got Matt to find me his headphones, and I'm now listening to music that I'm picking carefully to soothe me and calm me down. It's working, but at times it's making this post a little disjointed and probably, as I'll discover after-the-fact, ungrammatical. Oh well. Now you know why I'm repeating myself, running in circles, and not fixing spelling mistakes.
On the upside, I'm learning firsthand what music puts me in a calm and happy place, which is good to know, because I had thought beforehand that there wasn't any music I'd like to listen to when I'm in labour, or struggling and stressed, or whatever. But apparently there is! Here's what's on my list so far:
-Bridge Over Troubled Water, Sound of Silence, The Boxer, and America by Simon and Garfunkel
-Desperado, by the Eagles
-The Freshmen by the Verve Pipe
-Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley
-Hey Jude from Across the Universe
-Slipping Through My Fingers from the Mamma Mia movie
-The Call by Regina Spektor (Narnia soundtrack)
(interrupting this list to note the fact that it's really hard to not sing along to the songs with headphones on. People always sound terrible singing along to music no-one else can hear but them, so I won't do it. :)
I think that's it for now, actually, but I'm trying to keep my mind open to a birth song. Okay, call it crazy, whatever you want, but I kind of like the idea of there being a particular song that is playing when Baby Girl is born. I've heard of this before, and I think it sounds...special. I don't know how to describe while actually listening to music, but imagine it. You're in labour, you're pushing, it feels like it'll last forever, and then someone puts on this song, and you know it's THE song, and you realize how close you actually are, that your baby is about to be born, you're about to meet her, and then out she comes, and she's placed on your chest while this favourite, beautiful song is playing that will always and forever make you think of that special moment. I think I would cry. But, I recognize that, like many good ideas, it might actually be more pleasant in theory than in practice. Kind of like hosting your family for a holiday meal. (True story.)
I'm listening to the Freshmen right now. I love this song, but I'm thinking I don't want to hear it in labour. While the story behind the song doesn't apply to me (singer's girlfriend decided to get an abortion which he didn't want) I feel like it might remind me of babies dying, which I don't need to think about. Oh, but I love this song.
Let's see how much more random I can make this.
Yesterday I had a midwives appointment, and everything is looking good. Baby Girl's HR was 140 or so, nice accelerations, measuring 37.5 weeks, blood pressure was the highest it's been yet, but still a good reading at 122/78 (usually it's about 110/60.) Apparently I'm GBS-'ve, so yay. We went over my birthplan, and the MW, Kr this time, said that she really likes it, and how 1/2 of it is just tips for what might work to help me in labour.
Gosh I really hope Kr is the one on call when I'm in labour. She's great.
I'm getting really sleeping. I'm going to end this now.
***I COULD go back and fix the typos, but I find it really funny, in hindsight, how I wrote that I'm "getting really sleeping." Why change the very proof of my tiredness? ***
Today's first grievance? Flies. I really really REALLY can't stand them. People say it's because we live in the country, but they have NOT been this bad all summer. I think it's just because the weather is getting cooler, so it's warmer inside, and smells better too. There are ALWAYS 2 or 3 flies in the van at one time though, and they won't fly out the window or door when it's open, because it gets instantly cooler. So we always have flies in the van, buzzing in front of my face at random times when I'm driving and throwing me into random fits of flailing, swatting rage. And every now and then I have to give it a good "AAAARGH!" and then immediately reassure Elijah that it's not him, it's the flies. Because the poor kid probably think he's either in trouble or that his mommy is insane. The insane part is probably a little true lately.
Because the biggest grievance of today just occurred, and I was nuts. NUTS I tell you.
See, I've been trying to learn to crochet. Okay, I won't be falsely modest, I HAVE been crocheting, and I'm pretty proud of the 2 granny squares I made, especially as the 2nd one turned out to actually BE a square.
But here's the thing. I'm learning from some youtube videos, which is GREAT, except for when Matt is playing his new Red Faction game in the background, which involves shouting, gunshots galore, some swearing, and just general tenseness. See, at times I couldn't hear the video, so I'd snap or whimper because of that (don't even get me started on how pathetic this is. I know it. Really.) and then sometimes, when I was feeling particularly tense about it all, I'd either turn around and glare at Matt, or give off another arg. It was childish. SO childish.
But really, it wasn't that bad or childish until my video stopped, I packed up my stuff, and tried to focus on something other than crocheting. And then I realized that these noises and this video game were consuming every single little part of me, and the feeling in my chest just grew. I don't know how to explain it, except that I felt this enormous tension in my chest that would not go away until the game was paused, and even then I was all mad and contentious so it's wouldn't totally go away. It was like a serious loss of the spirit, or akin to what I imagine people with Asperger's Syndrome experience when they are being audibly distracted. It was impossibly to think of anything else.
So I got Matt to find me his headphones, and I'm now listening to music that I'm picking carefully to soothe me and calm me down. It's working, but at times it's making this post a little disjointed and probably, as I'll discover after-the-fact, ungrammatical. Oh well. Now you know why I'm repeating myself, running in circles, and not fixing spelling mistakes.
On the upside, I'm learning firsthand what music puts me in a calm and happy place, which is good to know, because I had thought beforehand that there wasn't any music I'd like to listen to when I'm in labour, or struggling and stressed, or whatever. But apparently there is! Here's what's on my list so far:
-Bridge Over Troubled Water, Sound of Silence, The Boxer, and America by Simon and Garfunkel
-Desperado, by the Eagles
-The Freshmen by the Verve Pipe
-Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley
-Hey Jude from Across the Universe
-Slipping Through My Fingers from the Mamma Mia movie
-The Call by Regina Spektor (Narnia soundtrack)
(interrupting this list to note the fact that it's really hard to not sing along to the songs with headphones on. People always sound terrible singing along to music no-one else can hear but them, so I won't do it. :)
I think that's it for now, actually, but I'm trying to keep my mind open to a birth song. Okay, call it crazy, whatever you want, but I kind of like the idea of there being a particular song that is playing when Baby Girl is born. I've heard of this before, and I think it sounds...special. I don't know how to describe while actually listening to music, but imagine it. You're in labour, you're pushing, it feels like it'll last forever, and then someone puts on this song, and you know it's THE song, and you realize how close you actually are, that your baby is about to be born, you're about to meet her, and then out she comes, and she's placed on your chest while this favourite, beautiful song is playing that will always and forever make you think of that special moment. I think I would cry. But, I recognize that, like many good ideas, it might actually be more pleasant in theory than in practice. Kind of like hosting your family for a holiday meal. (True story.)
I'm listening to the Freshmen right now. I love this song, but I'm thinking I don't want to hear it in labour. While the story behind the song doesn't apply to me (singer's girlfriend decided to get an abortion which he didn't want) I feel like it might remind me of babies dying, which I don't need to think about. Oh, but I love this song.
Let's see how much more random I can make this.
Yesterday I had a midwives appointment, and everything is looking good. Baby Girl's HR was 140 or so, nice accelerations, measuring 37.5 weeks, blood pressure was the highest it's been yet, but still a good reading at 122/78 (usually it's about 110/60.) Apparently I'm GBS-'ve, so yay. We went over my birthplan, and the MW, Kr this time, said that she really likes it, and how 1/2 of it is just tips for what might work to help me in labour.
Gosh I really hope Kr is the one on call when I'm in labour. She's great.
I'm getting really sleeping. I'm going to end this now.
***I COULD go back and fix the typos, but I find it really funny, in hindsight, how I wrote that I'm "getting really sleeping." Why change the very proof of my tiredness? ***
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