Weight Gain: Roughly 28lb’s
What I Miss: This might seem like a funny thing to miss, but I miss knowing whether what I'm feeling is pregnancy- (and therefore hormone-) induced, or real and valid. I feel so confused lately, my emotions have been off the wall, and sometimes I get upset when Matt says, "It's okay, it'll be better once you've had the baby." I know he's not trying to be insensitive, he sees these things better than I do and is 100 times more logical than I am, but it still feels like my frustrations are not being validated when they are quite real to me. I just...struggle with this lately. I hope that doesn't sound like I'm complaining, I don't mean for it to, and I'm not wishing my pregnancy away simply because I'm emotional, but...you get the point.
What I’m Looking Forward To: The craft show and Thanksgiving celebrations this weekend, and meeting our little girl.
Milestones: I don't think it gets much more milestone-y than hitting your due date!
Emotions: As I've said already, my emotions are off the wall. I fluctuate between disbelief that I'm even pregnant, excitement, irritation, sadness, guilt, and impatience.
Belly Photo:
[caption id="attachment_1089" align="aligncenter" width="199" caption="Huge. Way huger than I feel, at least."]
[/caption]So yeah, 40 weeks! That is still so so SO surreal to me. I told my MW today at my appointment that I need her to tell me that I really am pregnant and about to have a baby. She seemed as though she doesn't often encounter this sort of disbelief, and I didn't know what to tell her. If I could peg myself at any gestational period, I'd say I felt 32 weeks pregnant when I actually do process the fact that I'm going to have a baby. It doesn't feel nearly as close as it is.
I'll be honest, a part of me is freaking out. I'm not ready! I haven't finished the blanket I'm crocheting, and I need to make that nursing cover still! I don't even have a hospital bag packed, which isn't too big a deal as I plan to deliver at home anyway, but still! I should have something gathered, or a list written out, but no. There's not enough time in the day lately.
Also, I've been feeling really really guilty lately. I look at Elijah and my heart just explodes with love for him. He is so wonderful, and doing the cutest, silliest things. He's so coy with people trying to get a smile out of him, and when he's doing something he knows he shouldn't do, he raises his eyebrows a little, looks around at everyone, and then starts smiling and laughing the second anyone cracks a smile. He cracks me up all the time, and I love him so much. I feel shocked that our time just the two of us is drawing to a close, and I feel worried that I won't be able to give him the attention and love he needs. Then I think, "What was I THINKING, wanting to get pregnant again so soon?!" And then I feel guilty for this baby, that she won't get the 1.5 years of undivided attention, that she'll have to deal with Elijah swiping her soother (if she takes it) and jumping on her (which I'm sure he will at some point) and just....yeah. Such guilt.
Anyway, enough blahness, I'm actually having a really good day today. My friend Farrah called me up a couple days ago and said, "You're not sitting around on your due date, we're going out!" so we went to this historic town with lots of nice shops that is around here, and we walked with the theory that we might induce labour that way. In reality, we were walking way too slow to do anything, but still, it was nice to be out and have plans. Then I had a midwife appointment at 2. Soon we're going to go pick up Matt from work and have take-out chinese at Dave and Farrah's, and then I'm off to a bridal shower. A pretty full day, huh? It feels great. AND I managed to find time to paint my toenails before my appointment! I'm feeling pretty great right now, in spite of the parking ticket that I got when we went out this morning...hahaha.
Oh, and my appointment today? I got checked! Okay, so that might seem confusing, or completely random, but with Elijah they wouldn't even check to see if I'm dilated or effaced until I was a week overdue, when they were going to do a membrane stripping. So I was pretty excited today. Not that it meant anything, especially since I'm not effaced at all and only a fingertip dilated, but still. It was exciting. The good news is that my cervix is very soft, and, while not completely low, it's mid, which I'll take. It's actually exactly as I thought I'd be right now, which is good for my psyche because if she had said I was 3cm and I still went 2 weeks late, I'd be going crazy by the end of the 2 weeks. And I know there's still the possibility that I'll have the baby tomorrow (no joke, I had a friend who was not even remotely favourable for induction, and then had her baby the next day, completely natural and not induced.)
Anyway, other than that, my BP was 120/70, and Baby Girl was kicking away. Actually, she stuck her butt out a few times, and it was incredible to see my stomach move so much. I'll miss that.
That's about it. Elijah is up now, but I'm going to see about taking a belly photo right now. Or maybe I'll get Matt to take my last one later once I'm home from the shower. Either way. :D
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