I'm typing this one-handed, as my sweet little girl seems to prefer being held, and has a 6th sense for when I'm about to start a blog post.
The title of this post is Beautiful, because I feel like that is what life is to me. It's amazing, exciting, and scary all at once to be this happy, and part of me feels like its too good to be true.
Don't get me wrong, things are not all puppies and rainbows. For instance, just this afternoon I was saying that Matt was working too much during his time "off" from the business, and that I felt lonely because he just works all day at the computer. Then I cried a good, hormonal cry, and felt better afterwards. And that's when Matt learned that a woman's hormones continue to mess with her even after she's given birth (this made me laugh...he didn't really even consider my body needing to balance out the pregnancy hormones, let alone consider the ones involved with BF'ing.)
But in spite of my little grievances that are mostly hormone-induced, I feel this undercurrent of happiness, and I am so full of gratitude for the blessings I have been given. I don't fully understand why, I can't answer the "Why me?" question, but for some reason my Heavenly Father has blessed me with a husband who is my rock and support, who understands me better than I understand myself (often much to my chagrin) and with two (TWO!) beautiful children.
Elijah is such a funny nut, and has adopted this really coy personality. He plays shy with strangers, but not the hide-in-daddy's-shoulder shy, but the cover-my-face-and-peep-at-you shy. It melts my heart. He walks around on his tippy-toes, and has started making this vroom-like sound whenever he sees a train (which, considering how he doesn't talk at all yet, I'm thrilled about!) He is a little monkey sometimes, massaging Diana Sauce or fruit juice into his scalp, or running to the far corner of the room when he sees a diaper in my hand, and it's really hard to contain my own smiles when he's being like this, because it really actually is funny.
What is amazing to me is how my love for my little man has grown by having another baby. I look at him and my heart hurts a little to see how much he has grown, to remember where he started, the baby he was, and compare him to the toddler he is now. He's still my baby, and yet, he's not really a baby anymore. Sometimes he is, but mostly he's getting so big, and can understand so much. Having Abigail join our family has somehow made me notice Elijah more (if that makes sense...) and notice all of his little -isms. Not that I didn't pay attention to him before, but I just have more time, I think, to just sit and observe. I love my little boy, and this post-partum recovery is hard partly because I have so little mobility to get down on the floor and play with him, to carry him upstairs to bed (and have him snuggle my shoulder) to sit at the bench and feed him lunch.
So yes, I can fully support the people who say that having another baby doesn't divide your love for your children, but rather makes it grow.
And then there's this sweet little Abigail. She is such a little miracle, and it's amazing to me, to look at her and know she was inside of me. She loves being held, and sleeps better that way (which makes night-time a little uncomfortable at times) She looks at me and pays attention when I sing, and she has the sweetest little sounds and grunts. I love the way she breathes a little desperately when she's about to latch on to nurse, like the world WILL end if she's not quick about it. I love how she purses her lips when she's done BF'ing, and how she holds my finger or thumb when I'm trying to keep her hand away from her mouth while nursing. I love that she keeps her head turned in my direction all night while sleeping beside me, and how she tucks her knees up, arches her back, puckers her lips and raises her eyebrows when I pick her up by her underarms.
My heart is just bursting with love for her, and I can't believe Matthew and I have been so blessed to have not just one child, but two, after struggling with infertility for so long.
I know this is sappy but sometimes I need, for my own sake, to write down everything that makes life beautiful so that I remember when times are tough just how great everything really is.
For instance, when Elijah was 2.5 months old I thought I was pregnant again and was so excited, despite how hard it'd be to have two babies so close together. When it turned out that I wasn't pregnant, life got a little hard. What sucked the most about the experience was that, before then, I had been completely content to hold and snuggle Elijah, watch him grow as a baby, enjoy his newness, say goodbye to pregnancy for a time, and just enjoy being a mom. Afterwards, though, I felt like I was missing out on being pregnant, and my attention was so often distracted with hopes of experiencing it again. I hate (HATE) to admit it, but there were times when I missed moments with Elijah because I got caught in a rut of wondering when and if we'd have another baby. I feel so much guilt about this, and wish I could change it, but it's fruitless to dwell on the past, all I can do is appreciate the now, and the beauty of it. Elijah's amazing personality, Abigail's newness and baby-ness and little milestones.
It's all just...beautiful.
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