Life with baby

Not too much has been going on in our neck of the woods lately, but I wanted to post anyway. It's strange to me, that I'll have a hard time remembering this time with a newborn baby a few months down the road. A part of me feels like it's okay to let that memory fade a little, and another part feels like it's sad, because this is such a precious time with our new baby.

My MW visited on Monday and Abigail was then up to 9lb 14oz, so a gain of 8oz in 5 days. She's doing well, and I don't see the midwives until an in-clinic appointment next Wednesday. I'm seeing Kr (the MW who delivered Abigail) and I'm glad I'll see her at least once more before I'm discharged. I don't know how many appointments I have left, but I'm guessing I only have a couple after next week's appointment. It's weird to me, knowing that my time left seeing the midwives is so limited. Before I went into labour, the number of appointments and ultrasounds I had left was rather unclear. I was going to have an u/s a week overdue and 11 days overdue, and an indefinite number of stretch and sweeps until the baby came along, but then she did come and all the other things were canceled, and now my days are numbered.

It makes me sad in a way, because the only time I ever see these wonderful women is when I'm expecting a baby, and then I get discharged and have to go on my way on my own. I know it's a lot more support than many people have post-partum, and I do like my family doctor, but there is something so inaccessible about my doctor compared to the midwives' clinic, where the receptionist knows me by name and where I can call and have questions answered without feeling like I'm using up some doctor's time.

On the other hand, it's exciting to know that life with Abigail is beginning, and that we don't need the help of the midwives forever. The rest of our lives feels open to us, and that's a thrilling feeling.

I was also thinking today about how it's rather exciting to live life on this side of my pregnancy. I'm looking forward to working out soon and losing weight. With Elijah, I started my pregnancy at 155, gained up to 193, lost down to 158 post-baby, and then gained weight over the next year so that (...I'm ashamed to admit...) I was 175lb's a year later, when I learned I was pregnant with Abigail. I am now down below 175 (okay, so it's only 174.6...but still!) and it's only 11 days post-partum. I'm so glad to be down to where I started at least (this time I gained up to 205lb's) but now I want to work on at least getting down to the 150's again.

Unfortunately, it's getting cold around here and it'll be impossible to jog throughout winter, which is what I want to do. Last November/December when Matt and I were going to the gym regularly, I really enjoyed doing zumba, so I'm buying a bunch of dvd's to work on that at home throughout the winter, and I'll start jogging in the spring. I feel so motivated to do this now that I actually can.

I know this all probably sounds like I couldn't wait for pregnancy to be over so that I could lose weight, but that isn't the feeling I have at all. See, today I was reading a journal where I recorded 101 things I wanted to accomplish in 1001 days. I started it in April of 2010, and I have until sometime in January of 2013. I like looking at it now and then for direction, or as a reminder of things I could be doing with my time. However, when I looked at it throughout the summer I felt like so many of the things that I wanted to do I couldn't actually do at the time. Today when I read it I had a completely different feeling. It was one of excitement - excitement to go for a hike with my family, carve a pumpkin with Elijah, build a blanket fort with him, go to a waterpark next summer. Sure, I don't have time to learn photoshop or how to sew, practice the piano, or make jam, but I still have this feeling that the world is open to me, whereas in the summer and leading up to my due date, I felt so physically limited and that I could barely take care of Elijah, let alone do all these things.

So yes, I'm excited to work out, to do zumba and watch Elijah try to do it too, and to look as good as I feel right now. :)

(Abigail's sleep patterns, bum dimple, etc)

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I had to get off the computer quickly yesterday but I still had more to say, so I'm finishing it the next day (Thursday.) :-)

Today Abigail has an appointment at the pediatrician's. We're going to go talk to the doctor about her bum dimple that she was born with, and discuss preliminary investigations into spina bifida. Scary sounding stuff, right? I'm not worried at this point about it, but it does feel rather weird. This is something we dealt with with Elijah, and I never really expected it to extend beyond him....words aren't really coming to my mind to express this feeling, but part of me feels like he should be there, he should come, because this was HIS problem, not Abigail's.

I guess some backstory is needed (although you can read about it here and here if you want.) Elijah was born with a bum dimple, and the MW's noted it but told me to not worry about it. In most cases, it means nothing. We were referred to the pediatrician because Elijah was born with a couple cephalohematomas (fluid bumps that went away within a month) and the doctor saw the dimple and decided to look into it. Thus began about 7 months of investigations that involved bloodwork, an ultrasound, and eventually an MRI where he was put under general anesthesia, and I almost died from not nursing him for 9 hours straight. In the end we learned that Elijah does have spina bifida, but it's pretty much the least severe form you could ever have. His neural root is completely encased in his spine, but a few of the vertebrae have rounded off tips (I really don't know the medical terms...sorry!) It'd make more sense if you saw a drawing of it all.

Anyway, when Abigail was born, I jokingly asked if she had a bum dimple, and it turns out that she does. Again the MW's said it's not a big deal, but I said, "Except, in Elijah's case it actually DID indicate something, so I'd really like to look into this."

So off we go to the pediatrician's today, to begin the same investigations, and hopefully come to the same conclusion, that it won't affect her throughout her life. I'm a little anxious for her sake, I know it wasn't fun for Elijah to be poked and prodded, and it was a little emotional for Matt and I, seeing our baby unconscious from anesthesia, and to walk away and leave him in the doctor's care for even a few hours for the MRI, but I don't think not doing it is an option for us. What if she does have spina bifida? And what if it's more severe than Elijah's type? We did the NT scan and bloodwork, so I feel reassured, at least, that it wouldn't be too debilitating a form, as the bloodwork would have picked up increased AFP levels, but it'd still be good to know if she has it or not.

I'm not scared or upset about it, mostly because I know Elijah's form is so mild as to not ever affect him, but still. It's something I never expected to go through again, and really makes me wonder if it's genetic like some people propose. And if it IS genetic, will all of our children have this dimple and/or whatever it indicates? Who knows.

Apart from that excitement, we've just been trying to get Abigail's days and nights sorted out. I can't recall if I mentioned it before, but since day 1 Abigail's main wakeful period has been at night, and it only became more so as the days progressed and she was awake longer. It was to the point where, one day she slept from 9am until 8pm, only waking up to feed, and then was up for 5 hours at night. My midwife suggested feeding her every 2 hours during the day and cluster feeding her from 8-10 at night so that she is hopefully nice and full for bedtime, and sleeps lots. It really didn't work, though, and we were at our wits' end at times, especially the time she'd been awake until 3am. We started taking the night in shifts, but that couldn't last forever as Matthew goes back to work on Monday.

And then the other night I decided to try swaddling her with this Kiddopotamus swaddler, and within seconds she was asleep, and then slept for 4 hours! It was like heaven, except that I hate swaddling, and was resolved to never do it. I guess every kid has their crutch, though, and Abigails so clearly is swaddling. She loves it, without ever needing to get used to it, just like how Elijah loved soothers without ever needing to learn how to use one and what they're for.

So for 2 nights it worked well, and she fell asleep by 12:30, and slept the rest of the night (except for the 2 times she woke up to feed.) Then last night, we had our best night yet! She fell asleep around 11pm (when we went down to bed) woke up at 3:15 to feed, and then woke up at 7:15 to feed again! Part of me feels guilty for letting her go for two 4-hour stretches, but another part of me knows we all just needed the sleep.

So yeah, that's been fun. It's hard to remember in the moment that it doesn't last forever, but already she is 12 days old. In a couple days her age will be counted in weeks, and I'm sad that she's getting so big so fast! By the time she hits a month, we'll be seasoned pros, and she won't be considered a newborn anymore. It's amazing how time goes by so quickly. I already forget what it's like to feel her bouncing on my cervix and pushing on my diaphragm, and what my tummy looks and feels like when it's stretched out with baby.

Anyway, I need to finish this, as we leave in 15 minutes for the doctor's and I haven't finished getting ready. I know there won't be much to report from today's appointment (spina bifida-wise anyway) but I'll put up an update to this post if there is anything I want to add later. :)

**Update**  Dr. A is sending Abby for an u/s, but doesn't think it's as fishy looking as Elijah's, as he thinks he can see the bottom of her dimple, whereas we couldn't with Elijah's. Which reminded me that the only reason he had the MRI was to see if there WAS a bottom to Elijah's, or if it was connected to his neural root, in which case the connection would have had to be severed. So, if they can see the bottom of Abby's dimple, then they wouldn't worry about the MRI and so on down the road.