On feeling empowered

First off, I just got home from my first Sunday at church since Abigail was born. She's only 8 days old, so I feel pretty good about even going. I'm glad my body held up well enough for me to go, as I really wanted to get out of the house. It was my first time driving myself anywhere, and it admittedly felt different, knowing that I had two babies in the car...my precious cargo!

I was planning on playing it by ear, how long I stayed, and after sacrament meeting I was feeling pretty good! That is, until I walked down a long hallway and got stopped every few feet by someone who wanted to congratulate me and see Abigail. I loved that people wanted to see her, but it really hurt to just stand in one place for so long, talking with people. By the time I finally made it back to the chapel and sat down (skipping Sunday School...**gasp**) my pelvic floor muscles were killing me. I talked with a couple friends and waited around for a bit, deciding what to do. I wanted to go to RS, but at the same time I didn't. I take attendance during that hour, and I was dreading walking the halls again, seeing who was in Primary/Young Women. So in the end I decided to just go home and rest, and let my muscles recuperate a little more. I've spent most of the week sitting, so extensive walking and sitting in uncomfy seats just aren't my thing right now. Hopefully by next week I'll feel 100% (or something close to it!) and won't have any problems on that head.

And may I just say, while I'm on the topic, how many people have colds this time of year?! Everyone sounded like they were hacking up a lung, and I was feeling pretty anxious by the end of the meeting. I don't think I'm generally a germophobe, but I was worried that, even in her carseat, people would lean forwards and breathe on Abigail! Of all things! Okay, so I'm being silly about it now, but it really was starting to worry me a little. 8 days old is so young still! And with my wild imagination combined with completely irrational fears and a tendency towards anxiety and depression, I just couldn't get out of the building fast enough. Well, that's a complete exaggeration. I just...was not sad to go.

So I came home early, and Matt and Elijah will follow in a bit.

While I was on the drive home, I was thinking about my MW's account of driving down my street at 5-something in the morning, going nearly 100km/h over the speed limit to get to the birth in time. It made me recall some words she said to me that morning, and the feelings I had when I heard her say it. She told me that I had done a great job, and that I showed amazing control, and should be proud of myself. I was still too much in shock to feel proud of myself the day I gave birth to Abigail, but I've had some time to reflect on it all since then.

The part that stands out to me is, "amazing control." What does that mean anyway? Does it mean I did well, coping through labour until it was time to push? Does it mean I did well in not delivering the baby sooner? I think what she meant, when she said it, was that it was pretty impressive that, even though the baby was crowning for almost 15 minutes, I still managed to will myself to not push. My body still pushed occasionally, but even then, I was able to hold it back enough to last that long. And when I think about that, I realize that I really DID show amazing control.

So I was thinking about this, and then my thoughts moved on to the experience in general. I started asking myself, "Why is it that I feel so empowered right now, from my entire experience with labour, delivery, and taking care of Abigail afterwards? And why didn't I feel empowered with Elijah?"

As far as first-time labour and deliveries go, Elijah's was a pretty good one. 12 hours of active labour, 45 minutes of pushing, an epidural which did not have to be augmented with forceps, the vacuum, episiotomies, or a c-section, a healthy baby who cried right away and was put to breast within an hour of being born. I mean, the experience, when listed like that, is more than many people could hope for, and seems rather envious in some lights. It makes me feel guilty, knowing I was unsatisfied with it, when I think about my sister who had two 38+ hour labours that resulted in c-sections, which have given rise to other complications with her body. At the same time, though, something was missing from my experience, and I left it feeling sad and...well, unempowered (which may or may not be a real word. Spell check is trying to tell me it's not, but you get what I mean!)

This time is so glaringly different that I can't help but reflect on the disparity between the two experiences.

My MW with Elijah kept saying things like, "Don't scream," "You're sounding panicky, you need to relax," "You're feeling nauseous because you're not relaxing," and even came to me at one point after I'd had the epidural and said, "What are you screaming about?" That might not sound like much on the surface, but the fact was the my epidural had worn off and I was feeling immense pressure and pain in my pelvic floor, and she picked a very condescending way of finding out what was wrong with me. In short, her tone with me, throughout it all, was very much that I was doing something "wrong" which in turn made me feel like I couldn't handle things and was a big baby. I had planned a homebirth then too, and had felt very much like I just wasn't tough enough to cope on my own at home, and that even pain meds didn't help a big baby like me. I felt like a failure for so many reasons, when the only thing that had gone differently was going to the hospital for an epidural, which is SO not a crime or a big deal! Like I said before, my experience was actually a good one in comparison with many other women..it just wasn't to me.

Conversely, with Abigail's birth, Matt was pushing on my back through contractions and telling me how amazingly I was doing, how beautiful I was, etc. With Elijah's birth, I didn't want him touching me, and I was upset and not coping well, so he felt rather like he didn't know what to say or do, so I didn't have that support from him. It felt so nice to hear such loving words, and to feel like I could do it because he was there telling me that I WAS doing it. Then there was the moment in the bathtub where I felt like I was a failure because I wanted the hospital and pain meds again, but in hindsight I was in transition labour, so to me, it's impressive that I made it that far without feeling that way. Go me! Then, there was the pure insanity that was the 15 minutes of Abigail crowning and trying to hard to NOT have her before my MW got there. I already said beforehand how Kr's words made me feel empowered, and hearing repeatedly from them that I did great, Abigail was healthy, I showed amazing control, etc etc, made a world of a difference to me.

The MW attending Kr was kinder than the one who attended the MW at Elijah's birth. That midwife had been all business and, "We've GOT to do this," which needed to be the case, as I was hemorrhaging and didn't know it. I should be able to look past this, but I still felt at the time that I was being quashed. Then when she tried to help me nurse Elijah for the first time, I really only successfully had him latch when she did it for me. Then they went away for the night, Elijah's latch was terrible and did damage, I was in so much pain when nursing that we committed the unthinkable and supplemented with formula (oh the horror!!) which Elijah puked up anyway, and by the end of our first 12 hours, I felt like a failure yet again.

This time though? I knew what a good latch looked like. I latched Abby on myself, and apart from the on MW showing me how to pull her jaw down more, I've been doing it on my own since. She's gaining weight like a champ, my nipples no longer hurt when nursing, and once more I feel empowered.

Again, there's the whole discrepancy between the two, where I'm being hard on myself and shouldn't be. In the end, things got better with Elijah and he was exclusively breastfed for a year (well, really 6 months, when we started introducing solids.) So why the unempowered feelings? I think it just comes down to my own insecurities when doing it on my own, but it's amazing what a difference my opinion of myself makes.

I'm making this waaaaaaaaay longer than it needs to be, I'm sorry! I know I'm rambling horribly.

All I'm trying to get at is, I'm so grateful for this experience with Abigail, and that it has been good and left me feeling empowered. I feel so sad inside, thinking about how I might have felt empowered with Elijah and didn't, but really a lot of it comes down to my ability to look at what I actually did (and not failed to do) and give myself credit for it. And when I put it that way, does it really matter that, at the time, I didn't feel empowered then? I can look at my experience with Elijah and feel good about it NOW.

Anyway, I have so many thoughts swirling around my head on this topic, but they are just not coming out coherently enough for me to keep on writing about it. I guess the conclusion that I've come to is, feel good about your accomplishments (eg-We've been nursing for a week! YEAH! Or, I got more sleep last night than the night before! Woo hoo!) and cast off the negative things (eg-I wanted to quit nursing Elijah after 6 months, and only kept doing it because he wouldn't wean... Or, I don't know. Anything! Haha)

And now I should sleep, because I'm starting to really feel the pelvic floor muscle pain, and Matt and Elijah will be home within the next 25-30 minutes, and I promised Matt I'd nap.