First can I say how sad I am that my post from December 31st of last year disappeared? I remember the post well, and all I can think of is that it somehow got deleted when I transferred my blog from blogspot to wordpress in the spring. SAD though!
The reason that I'm so sad about it is because tonight is my 1-year blog-iversary!
Okay, okay, so maybe I have posts in my sidebar from February of 2009. But those are all from the family blog I started then, which I've just transferred here for the sake of keeping them all in one place.
This blog though? I it started on New Years Eve of last year. It was 10:30 at night, Matt was playing some computer game, and I was sitting on my laptop in my comfy chair in the rec room of our house. I'd been playing with the idea of it for a while - an anonymous blog where I could lay it all out there and not worry about my mom or sister or acquaintance who used to date my husband reading it. I had infertility-related feelings that I felt were too sensitive to discuss with people I knew. Besides that, I always felt bad, commenting on blogs with my username leading them to this puppies and rainbows family blog that WAS me, and yet wasn't all me either. I felt such tremendous pressure to keep up the facade for those reading and I ended up getting tired of it all, and I felt like IF-related bloggers wouldn't like me commenting when I clearly had such a perfect life, and didn't seem like I'd struggled with IF at all. That hurt, because I still struggled, but I just couldn't in that open space.
So, this blog was born. A place for me to vent my feelings, frustrations, triumphs, and general life stuff without fear of it affecting my relationships with people I already knew.
That post from my first night blogging might be gone, but I do have posts from around that time, and I'm glad that I do. There is so much I'd forgotten about where I was at, this time last year.
For example, I really really was struggling with depression. I knew it logically, but going back and reading my first post from January of this year really opened my eyes to it. I know that when I'm not feeling depressed I have a hard time articulating exactly how I feel when I AM feeling depressed, and I'm so grateful for that record for a few reasons, the main reason being that I can see how much I DON'T feel like that right now. Much as things have been difficult at times, having 2 kids and all, I haven't felt like that in...well, almost a year. In hindsight, I think it was post-partum depression. I see more of the characteristics of it now, and I also know that it went away when Elijah was a year, which coincided with me getting pregnant again and weaning Elijah (maybe thus balancing out my hormones?)
Anyway, I'm glad that I'm not starting this year with that depression. It was hard, even though the trial was relatively short-lived. I've had to deal with the effects of the trial, such as the self-inflicted guilt and fear that it's MY fault that Elijah is behind in his speech, because I was just so low at times that I wouldn't talk or play with him as I should have. I still struggle with that, even though I know that children in much worse circumstances still learn to talk fine, and it's most likely not my fault.
Anyway, I won't do a big long year-in-review thing, not because I don't like them (I love surveys!) but because I'm so tired, and don't have the luxury of sleeping in tomorrow morning.
I will, however, list some of the crazy changes we've experienced this past year, because when I think about it all, it blows my mind that only a year has passed, and not 5, since all of this happened!
- we sold our house and moved to a teeny, 2-room apartment. And were HAPPY to do so.
- Elijah turned one, started walking, learned to say 'no' and that's about it. Countless fears and tears about his speech, but it was more than made up for by the over-abundance of little joys he gave us throughout the year. Learning to give hugs and kisses, learning to walk, folding his arms for prayer, all of his silly smiles, the way he'd toss his head back and laugh fake laughs. SO many good things.
- I found out I was pregnant, went through my entire pregnancy, and had a baby all in a year! She is NOT a newborn anymore, and the year is just now over. Crazy pants.
- Did I mention I had a baby? Because it was pretty epic, when she was born. It deserves its own bullet point.
- Matt experienced the business's first successful year in 4 years
- I graduated university
- We bought a van and I am not ashamed to admit that I love it
- I taught myself to crochet
Aaaand I'm sure there are more things, but still. Those are just the big things. And yes, I'm pretty sure learning to crochet counts as a big thing, because I did it myself, and that means SO much to me, in terms of self-esteem. It was a great leap forward. :-)
I admit to having new years resolutions. Bash them all you want, but I like goals, and I'm a big milestone sort of person, so new years resolutions really appeal to me. Some of them are loftier than others, like wanting to go the whole year without sweets versus wanting to stop picking at my lips, keeping them in a perpetually chapped and dry/cracked state.
Another resolution I have is to not use one HPT or OPK, not check my cervical position or ponder on the quality of my cervical mucus ONCE in 2012. I vaguely wonder what I would do if I really did think I was pregnant. I think I'll allow myself some leniency if my period comes back regularly and then disappears for 75 days. That sounds good to me. I'm looking forward to this resolution, though. I realized the other day that I have used an HPT at least once every year since Matt and I have been married. I've never had a reason not to, and until today I had never before hoped that a test would be negative. It was kind of foreign to me, to be glad to see just one line (I had to make certain I wasn't already pregnant, and part of me wanted to test just send the year off with a bang...or lack thereof! Ha) but I really am glad. I'm trying to lose weight, and am HAPPY with my family. I do want more children, but I've fought down the urge to always want to be pregnant. I do love being pregnant, but only because it means there's a baby at the end, and I don't really want a baby in the next year. I want to become a better mother to the two babies I already have.
Anyway, those are my meager resolutions. I'm happy with them, and I think I'll do well. I really do think I'll accomplish each one.
Other than my resolutions, I'm looking forward to 2012 and all that it holds. It's amazing that a year could hold so very much. So much change can happen. Do I want change? I don't know. At this point in time all I really want is to go to bed (so my apologies if this post is becoming a lot more rushed and a lot less coherent) but I do want to potentially buy a house in the fall of 2012. I want to get better at photography. I want to figure out how to make a Mei Tei baby carrier. I want to finish my crocheted blanket. I want both Elijah and Abigail to start talking in 2012, and I want to lose this weight that is sitting all around my middle. I want to go clothes shopping for something other than maternity tops and jeans, and I want to stop feeling so exposed and self-conscious in front of my slender friends. I want a little more confidence in my step, a little more happiness in my tone, and a little more of my faith to manifest itself in my thoughts and words.
I DO want 2012 to be a year of change for us. Not big changes, like 2011, just little ones. Little accomplishments and triumphs and little progressions, thus molding myself, little by little, into the beautiful person I so want to be.
Come on 2012. Be good to us. (and maybe hold out until at least 2013 to end us all, just to prove the fanatics wrong about that whole Mayan calendar nonsense. Or maybe just wait until 2013 so that I can have a few more pieces of chocolate before I die. Pretty please?)
Saturday, December 31, 2011
Friday, December 30, 2011
Direction
I know I've touched on it a bit in my public blog posts, but I've been trying to figure out what Matthew and I should do in terms of spacing our children, and when to try again. I have been a mix of emotions since having Abigail, and it's been quite difficult for me to sort out what is just me wanting to be pregnant again and what is valid uneasiness in terms of the "plan" that we already had in place.
To recap, a little bit. And by recap, I mean let me break it all down into one blog post.
When Matt and I were planning to get married, we had a plan. At first that plan involved waiting for an indefinite amount of time before starting to try for a family, but sometime soon after we decided that, we felt prompted to not wait. I don't even remember this plan, I just wrote it in my journal from then. I wrote about how confusing it was to me, that it made more sense for me to get more schooling done, but I had faith that, if Heavenly Father was telling us to not wait, it would work out. I assumed that the promptings we had to not wait to start a family meant that God wanted us to have children right away, but in hindsight I am grateful that we heeded the promptings we did, as we had no way of knowing we'd experience infertility, and it meant that we DIDN'T wait years before discovering that we had MFI.
We got married, and I went on the pill for 3.5 months. We decided that, at the very least, I would try to get my 2nd year of school done, so it'd be best for me to not get pregnant until September of the year we were married (you know, just in case we had a honeymoon baby, right?) I don't regret our decision to use birth control for those few months, I know it would have been wise, had we not had troubles getting pregnant.
Well, as we all know, I didn't get pregnant right away. Not by a long shot. After a year we were diagnosed with male factor infertility (MFI) and given a 2% chance of conceiving naturally each month. That meant that it would take us a year of trying to accomplish what a healthy couple could accomplish in just one month (or one cycle.) We set off down the path of fertility testing and in vitro, while also pursuing international and then domestic adoption. Again, we had a plan. Sure, the plan involved calling the adoption agency and saying, "Guess what? We didn't tell you we were doing IVF, but we did, and Holly's pregnant, so we can't adopt anymore! Hurray!" I admit freely, at least in the private entries of my blog, that adoption was a second choice for us. I don't know if that's wrong or not, many people talk about having their hearts changed, and seeing adoption as a different choice rather than a second choice, but we just wanted to be parents. We wanted children to love, hold, teach and raise. It hurt that they wouldn't be related to us biologically, but we began to see the excitement in the adoption process and to appreciate it for itself, if that makes sense. Our desire for biological children never went away, but we accepted that that wasn't happening for us, and that adopting was a joyful way of building our family too, so we embraced it.
The hardest time throughout the 4 years of us being married and trying to have a family was when I felt like my plan was falling to pieces. I always had a plan in place, some projection of where we'd be at what point in the future, and what we needed to do to get there. It was so hard, though, when waiting was all we could do to make our dream of having a family come true. There were times when I felt so alone, forgotten by Heavenly Father, and completely unloved. I didn't understand why we weren't being blessed with children. There were many times when I wondered if God was punishing me for some misdeed, or if I just wasn't righteous enough to be a mom. I could logic myself out of these feelings, but the emotional side of me still felt them and wondered. It took a lot of time, but eventually I learned some lessons through the trial of not having children when WE had planned.
Some scriptures which taught me much were in Deuteronomy, where I least expected to find insight into my trial. It began in Deuteronomy 7:11-15, which reads:
"Thou shalt therefore keep the commandments, and the statutes, and the judgments, which I command thee this day, to do them.
Wherefore it shall come to pass, if ye hearken to these judgments, and keep, and do them, that the Lord thy God shall keep unto thee the covenant and the mercy which he sware unto thy fathers:
And he will love thee, and bless thee, and multiply thee: he will also bless the fruit of thy womb, and the fruit of thy land, thy corn, and thy wine, and thine oil, the increase of thy kine, and the flocks of thy sheep, in the land which he sware unto thy fathers to give thee.
Though shalt be blessed above all people: there shall not be male or female barren among you, or among your cattle.
And the Lord will take away from thee all sickness...."
I read this when I was reading through the Bible sequentially, and when I came across it I felt a deep yearning. I read it again and again, so that I could figure out how that verse could apply to me, how I could tap into those blessings, and be blessed and multiplied.
I continued on reading, and in Deuteronomy chapter 8 verses 1-14 read these particular verses:
"All the commandments which I command thee this day shall ye observe to do, that ye may live, and multiply, and go in and possess the land which the Lord sware unto your fathers.
And thou shalt remember all the way which the Lord thy God led thee these forty years in the wilderness, to humble thee, and to prove thee, to know what was in thinge heart, whether thou wouldest keep his commandments, or no.
And he humbled thee, and suffered thee to hunger, and fed thee with manna...
...
For the Lord thy God bringeth thee into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and depths that spring out of valleys and hills;
...
A land wherein thou shalt eat bread without scarceness, thou shalt not lack any thing in it; ...
When thou hast eaten and art full, then thou shalt bless the Lord thy God for the good land which he hath given thee.
Beware that thou forget not the Lord thy God, in not keeping his commandments...
Lest when thou hast eaten and art full...
...
...and all that thou hast is multiplied;
Then thine heart be liften up, and thou forget the Lord thy God, which brought thee forth out of the land of Egypt, from the house of bondage."
I knew when I read this that it applied directly to me. I knew that we were experiencing the trial of infertility so that we would be humble, so that we would learn that the ONLY form of deliverance came through Heavenly Father, and that he was testing us, to see if the trial that we were experiencing would soften our hearts and make us more apt to keep the commandments, or if we'd turn our backs on God and refuse to learn to rely on Him.
I also felt that Heavenly Father, through the spirit I felt and the words which I read, was promising me that we would someday have children and that, when we did, I needed to not forget who it was that blessed me with those children, and delivered me from that trial.
Another time during the wait to adopt, I read a book called Sarah by Orson Scott Card. Naturally, Sarah's childless plight resonated with me, and when I finished reading the (amazing) book, I felt that deep yearning again. The wish to be as so many faithful women of the scripture, and to conceive against apparent odds. I knelt in prayer that night and poured out my heart to God. I pleaded with Him, that I could someday be as Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, Hannah and Elisabeth. I felt an overwhelming outpouring of the Lord's love for me, and I felt peace and the assurance that I would, indeed, someday have biological children of my own. The overwhelming peace of that experience did not always remain with me, but my knowledge of that promise did, and I clung to it during my dark days.
Then in April of 2009, Matthew and I were at General Conference. It was the last session of conference, during President Monson's talk, and I remember feeling a little disappointed that nothing in particular at the conference had stood out to me as a message particularly for me. Then, during President Monson's talk, the thought came to my mind, "I bet President Monson could heal us" to which my mind responded, "It doesn't have to be President Monson, it could be any righteous Melchizedek priesthood holder."
I had so often hoped to hear in a blessing that we would also be healed and have children, but I never did. Never, until that moment, had it occurred to me to seek out the blessing we were waiting for. I was hesitant to even mention my feelings to Matt, I was so convinced that it was wrong, like "forcing the Lord's hand" to ask for such a specific blessing. We discussed it, though, and began reading the church material that we had on hand, where blessings and healings were concerned. What we discovered were many examples of people in the scriptures seeking out Jesus and his prophets for specific blessings of healing. We also read in A New Witness for the Articles of Faith that signs will always follow those who believe, and that, as faithful latter-day saints, we were entitled to such blessings from heaven.
We resolved to continue studying the matter that week, and the following Sunday we fasted, and Aaron, Matthew's brother administered blessings of healing to both of us (because we didn't want to assume that it was only Matthew that needed healing, given that it was MY fault that IVF didn't work.)
The Spirit was definitely there, but not in an overwhelming abundance, and I, quite honestly, didn't feel any more convinced after the blessings than I had before that it was even Heavenly Father's will that have we be healed, I just had a general feeling of okay-ness that told me we hadn't done anything wrong.
Then 3.5 weeks later I woke up one morning, pee'd on a pregnancy test, and discovered that, for the first time ever, I was pregnant. At the first possible opportunity since receiving our blessings, and after 4 years of marriage, I was pregnant.
I can't begin to describe the feelings that I had then, that I have even now while I'm typing this. I know it looks more bald, written out like this rather than being experienced first-hand, but every part of me KNOWS that I got pregnant at the first opportunity like that so that I would have no doubt in my mind that it was Heavenly Father's hand, His blessing in my life, and not some spontaneous pregnancy. To Heavenly Father it was quite planned, and we were, in a word, overjoyed.
It is so puzzling to me, being on this side of things. It's hard for me to know exactly where I stand in terms of infertility and Matthew's and my desires and plans for a family.
For example, we decided that we would wait until Elijah was a year old to start trying to have another baby. The fact that we would even PLAN when to start trying to conceive naturally was odd to me. We also decided that we would not use any birth control methods for the first year, because by that point in the game, another pregnancy, another baby, would be a miraculous blessing. I don't know if it was doubt, that we really were healed, or just trusting that Heavenly Father would bless us with the children we were meant to have at the time we were meant to have them, even if it meant being surprised with a baby when we weren't trying.
Before that year was up, we actually WERE trying (I think we ended up waiting 9 months before trying again) and 2 days before Elijah hit his first birthday I found out I was pregnant with Abigail.
While I was pregnant with Abigail we agreed that it was much harder, being pregnant with such a young toddler, than it was when I didn't have any kids. We said at the time that our plan, after having Abigail, would be to space the next baby a little more, and to not start trying again until Abigail was 1 year and 9 months old (so, adding 10+ months to the age gap.)
After I had Abigail, though, I started reconsidering this plan of ours. I'm not entirely sure why, I don't know if it's because I just miss being pregnant, or if it's Heavenly Father guiding us through my unease. I've been trying so hard lately to figure this out, and have struggled much with it.
One area we've struggled with is coming to an agreement on what form of birth control we should use. I do not want to use the birth control pill, because I don't like that I have no idea what my body would prefer to do on its own, without man-made hormones telling my body to not ovulate and when to start my period. I didn't want to go off it when we're ready to try and then have no frame of reference. An IUD is too long term for what we were planning, and Matthew does like the idea of using condoms. He doesn't like the connotation, and it makes him feel like he's doing wrong things, which I totally understand and respect. If he feels that strongly about it, I'm not going to question it, much like how he needs to be okay with me not wanting to go on the pill. Sooo that really only leaves us with the diaphragm, hence why I've been posting lately on using it or not, where on earth to get this prescription filled, etc etc.
The thing is, I'm fine with the thought of using the diaphragm. I've realized that I don't have a beef with that, per se.
So what DO I have a problem with?
To be honest, I don't know. I have been praying about this, about what to do, for a while now, probably since shortly after Abigail was born. Maybe because I had such a good experience with her labour and delivery, and I don't feel this emotional and physical trauma that I want to avoid anytime soon? I don't know.
I have been praying about the decision Matthew and I had made, to wait until 1 year and 9 months to try, but I have been receiving no peace about that. I struggled with these feelings on my own for a bit, but I fully realize that I can't be the one to make this decision, that Matthew and I need to make it together. The problem, though, is that we approach prayer and direction in 2 different (though perfectly fine) ways. He gets ideas and goes ahead and does them until they make him uneasy. He doesn't need or desire an answer, he simply trusts that Heavenly Father will let him know when it is wrong, or when something needs to change. I admire that about him, but I don't necessarily wish to be like that, because I don't feel that there is anything wrong with how I approach Heavenly Father in prayer. I tend to think things through a lot more, come to a decision, and then pray to feel right about that decision. If I don't feel right about it, I don't do it, and I seek and pray until I find a way that feels good to me, and that I feel peaceful about when I'm praying. I know it seems very opposite, and that one must be right or wrong, but if so, I can't tell which.
So, where building our family is concerned, Matthew is content to go ahead with our plan until it feels wrong. Is my unease the equivalent of things feeling wrong? It's hard to say. I don't mind if we end up waiting however long before trying again! I just want to know that our decision is right before Heavenly Father, and that it is pleasing to Him, and I get no such feelings right now. Nor do I think that we should not do anything at all. That just feels...careless.
So anyway, I've been struggling with this. I've gone to the temple praying about it twice now, and have been studying my scriptures, and so on.
When we were at the temple on Tuesday night for Kira's endowment, I sat for a while in the celestial room. I pondered, I prayed, I listened, and then I left (I had a baby waiting for me, after all!) While in the celestial room, though, I had a thought pop into my head, and it was that we should try again once I get to a certain weight (145# I believe it was.) I didn't dismiss the thought, but I didn't take it immediately as inspiration either, because I know how my mind wanders, and how I tend to like hair-brained weight loss schemes and the like.
I was tossing that thought around though, trying it out to see if it really was inspiration, and continuing to pray.
Then this morning, when I went for my walk/jog I realized I hadn't said my prayers yet today. I started saying them as I was walking, which I really like to do, because then I can say them out loud with no-one else around, and I'm walking, which is pretty mindless, AND my knees don't start to hurt, and my legs don't fall asleep.
SO. I was saying my prayers while walking. And you have to understand that my prayers, when said out loud, are more like conversations with Heavenly Father. I talk His ear off, tell him what I think and how I feel, and respond to thoughts and feelings I have as if it's someone conversing back with me. I'm sure to someone who doesn't believe in Heavenly Father I would seem entirely crazy, having complete conversations with myself, but I know that it's how Heavenly Father speaks to me.
So anyway, I'd already been praying about my unease, and this is a bit of the "conversation with God" that followed:
-While in the temple, Heavenly Father, I had the thought pop into my head that maybe I should lose weight (down to 145 I think?) before we start trying again. I don't know if it was a prompting or just me, but I keep thinking it and am just wondering if maybe that's what we should do...
-That sounds like a good idea...
-Well I know it's a good idea...
-Then do it.
I continued this conversation a little more, seeking to know if this was one of those scenarios where any decision is a good decision, and I didn't feel that necessarily. I am still trying to sort out how to describe exactly what it was that I felt about it all. I feel like anything beyond what Heavenly Father spoke to me would just be me trying to explain and interpret it, which I've learned to not do.
There could be many reasons this is right for me and my family. Maybe it'll take me the 1 year and 9 months to get to 145. Maybe it'll be a good motivation to get in shape and treat my body as the temple that it is. Maybe I need to get in shape for my next pregnancy because it's going to be a physically demanding one. Maybe it'll provide me with something distracting to focus on, rather than OPK's and cervical positions. Maybe it's just something I want to do, and Heavenly Father is supportive of me doing it.
But whatever the reason, I am grateful for that answer to prayer. It was more than I had this morning. It has given me the purpose and direction that I wanted, in order to feel good about not trying for another baby right now. I can't claim to know exactly what will happen once I reach my goal weight. Again, I long ago stopped interpreting with a semblance of surety the answers to prayer that I've received. I just take it and go, because who knows what will happen along the way. Maybe this is what I need to get me through the next little while, to kill some time before we have other things to think about, or to keep me from going pregnancy-crazy until my hormones get sorted out and I can think straight again. Maybe I'll never even get to 145, and we'll have a surprise pregnancy along the way. Maybe the direction we receive will change before I get to 145. Either way, though, I feel like this is a course of action Heavenly Father is pleased with, and I'm grateful for that.
The funny is, this wouldn't be such a big deal if it weren't for infertility. I just feel so much like it's not MY plan we're following. I had a plan once upon a time, and I feel presumtuous when it comes to having much of a plan again in the future, because I know how little control I have over everything.
I am in NO WAY complaining about the blessings of healing that we received. I just have a hard time knowing how to interpret...life, I guess, through the lens of things being one way and then drastically changing to the other. Infertility still affects me. I still struggle and have doubts. I still don't know when I'll get pregnant again. I feel like I can plan to start trying and expect to get pregnant shortly after, but I also feel like my plan could blow up in pieces. Part of me feels like I'm at the whim of this magnificently powerful being, and that I should just stop trying to plan for the future because my plans didn't work out before, but part of me also feels that Heavenly Father would be displeased with me, having the testimony that I have of our being healed and never thinking about or planning for when and how our children come to us. Would it be careless to not use any form of birth control, and to have one baby after another, even when we can't provide for them? Would it be foolish to say, "Heavenly Father will bless us when He sees fit"? I feel like it would be, and yet it feels awfully strange to have to think about birth control after experiencing infertility. It feels presumptuous to assume that trying at 1year and 9mos could potentially mean getting pregnant then.
I wonder how much of this is my own doubts still lingering. I know that it at least partly is, or else why would I fear that, if we do wait a while before trying, what happens if I don't get pregnant then? Shouldn't I have learned by now, that it will happen according to Heavenly Father's timeline? But see, that's why I've wanted to feel some sort of assurance, that the course of action that we've chosen is right before the Lord, and why any sort of unease troubles me.
Anyway, I've made this post quite long enough, considering how I started it almost 2 hours ago. I'm overdue to drink some water and have a snack, and I might have got a little irritated with Matthew and Abigail a little while back for being so darn visually distracting when I was trying to formulate an important sentence, so I should go make peace with them (I'm in dad's office finishing this without distractions ;) )
All I can say is, I am so so SO grateful. I hoped and prayed so much for my two little miracles, and I hope and pray for those who will yet come to our family. I am grateful for the direction Heavenly Father provided me with today, and I'm feeling rather excited to work out, eat healthy, cut out sweets, and get down to my goal weight. I don't think I've ever been so pumped about weight loss, and I just hope it keeps up. I think, thanks to the inspiration I received, it will. :-)
To recap, a little bit. And by recap, I mean let me break it all down into one blog post.
When Matt and I were planning to get married, we had a plan. At first that plan involved waiting for an indefinite amount of time before starting to try for a family, but sometime soon after we decided that, we felt prompted to not wait. I don't even remember this plan, I just wrote it in my journal from then. I wrote about how confusing it was to me, that it made more sense for me to get more schooling done, but I had faith that, if Heavenly Father was telling us to not wait, it would work out. I assumed that the promptings we had to not wait to start a family meant that God wanted us to have children right away, but in hindsight I am grateful that we heeded the promptings we did, as we had no way of knowing we'd experience infertility, and it meant that we DIDN'T wait years before discovering that we had MFI.
We got married, and I went on the pill for 3.5 months. We decided that, at the very least, I would try to get my 2nd year of school done, so it'd be best for me to not get pregnant until September of the year we were married (you know, just in case we had a honeymoon baby, right?) I don't regret our decision to use birth control for those few months, I know it would have been wise, had we not had troubles getting pregnant.
Well, as we all know, I didn't get pregnant right away. Not by a long shot. After a year we were diagnosed with male factor infertility (MFI) and given a 2% chance of conceiving naturally each month. That meant that it would take us a year of trying to accomplish what a healthy couple could accomplish in just one month (or one cycle.) We set off down the path of fertility testing and in vitro, while also pursuing international and then domestic adoption. Again, we had a plan. Sure, the plan involved calling the adoption agency and saying, "Guess what? We didn't tell you we were doing IVF, but we did, and Holly's pregnant, so we can't adopt anymore! Hurray!" I admit freely, at least in the private entries of my blog, that adoption was a second choice for us. I don't know if that's wrong or not, many people talk about having their hearts changed, and seeing adoption as a different choice rather than a second choice, but we just wanted to be parents. We wanted children to love, hold, teach and raise. It hurt that they wouldn't be related to us biologically, but we began to see the excitement in the adoption process and to appreciate it for itself, if that makes sense. Our desire for biological children never went away, but we accepted that that wasn't happening for us, and that adopting was a joyful way of building our family too, so we embraced it.
The hardest time throughout the 4 years of us being married and trying to have a family was when I felt like my plan was falling to pieces. I always had a plan in place, some projection of where we'd be at what point in the future, and what we needed to do to get there. It was so hard, though, when waiting was all we could do to make our dream of having a family come true. There were times when I felt so alone, forgotten by Heavenly Father, and completely unloved. I didn't understand why we weren't being blessed with children. There were many times when I wondered if God was punishing me for some misdeed, or if I just wasn't righteous enough to be a mom. I could logic myself out of these feelings, but the emotional side of me still felt them and wondered. It took a lot of time, but eventually I learned some lessons through the trial of not having children when WE had planned.
Some scriptures which taught me much were in Deuteronomy, where I least expected to find insight into my trial. It began in Deuteronomy 7:11-15, which reads:
"Thou shalt therefore keep the commandments, and the statutes, and the judgments, which I command thee this day, to do them.
Wherefore it shall come to pass, if ye hearken to these judgments, and keep, and do them, that the Lord thy God shall keep unto thee the covenant and the mercy which he sware unto thy fathers:
And he will love thee, and bless thee, and multiply thee: he will also bless the fruit of thy womb, and the fruit of thy land, thy corn, and thy wine, and thine oil, the increase of thy kine, and the flocks of thy sheep, in the land which he sware unto thy fathers to give thee.
Though shalt be blessed above all people: there shall not be male or female barren among you, or among your cattle.
And the Lord will take away from thee all sickness...."
I read this when I was reading through the Bible sequentially, and when I came across it I felt a deep yearning. I read it again and again, so that I could figure out how that verse could apply to me, how I could tap into those blessings, and be blessed and multiplied.
I continued on reading, and in Deuteronomy chapter 8 verses 1-14 read these particular verses:
"All the commandments which I command thee this day shall ye observe to do, that ye may live, and multiply, and go in and possess the land which the Lord sware unto your fathers.
And thou shalt remember all the way which the Lord thy God led thee these forty years in the wilderness, to humble thee, and to prove thee, to know what was in thinge heart, whether thou wouldest keep his commandments, or no.
And he humbled thee, and suffered thee to hunger, and fed thee with manna...
...
For the Lord thy God bringeth thee into a good land, a land of brooks of water, of fountains and depths that spring out of valleys and hills;
...
A land wherein thou shalt eat bread without scarceness, thou shalt not lack any thing in it; ...
When thou hast eaten and art full, then thou shalt bless the Lord thy God for the good land which he hath given thee.
Beware that thou forget not the Lord thy God, in not keeping his commandments...
Lest when thou hast eaten and art full...
...
...and all that thou hast is multiplied;
Then thine heart be liften up, and thou forget the Lord thy God, which brought thee forth out of the land of Egypt, from the house of bondage."
I knew when I read this that it applied directly to me. I knew that we were experiencing the trial of infertility so that we would be humble, so that we would learn that the ONLY form of deliverance came through Heavenly Father, and that he was testing us, to see if the trial that we were experiencing would soften our hearts and make us more apt to keep the commandments, or if we'd turn our backs on God and refuse to learn to rely on Him.
I also felt that Heavenly Father, through the spirit I felt and the words which I read, was promising me that we would someday have children and that, when we did, I needed to not forget who it was that blessed me with those children, and delivered me from that trial.
Another time during the wait to adopt, I read a book called Sarah by Orson Scott Card. Naturally, Sarah's childless plight resonated with me, and when I finished reading the (amazing) book, I felt that deep yearning again. The wish to be as so many faithful women of the scripture, and to conceive against apparent odds. I knelt in prayer that night and poured out my heart to God. I pleaded with Him, that I could someday be as Sarah, Rebekah, Rachel, Hannah and Elisabeth. I felt an overwhelming outpouring of the Lord's love for me, and I felt peace and the assurance that I would, indeed, someday have biological children of my own. The overwhelming peace of that experience did not always remain with me, but my knowledge of that promise did, and I clung to it during my dark days.
Then in April of 2009, Matthew and I were at General Conference. It was the last session of conference, during President Monson's talk, and I remember feeling a little disappointed that nothing in particular at the conference had stood out to me as a message particularly for me. Then, during President Monson's talk, the thought came to my mind, "I bet President Monson could heal us" to which my mind responded, "It doesn't have to be President Monson, it could be any righteous Melchizedek priesthood holder."
I had so often hoped to hear in a blessing that we would also be healed and have children, but I never did. Never, until that moment, had it occurred to me to seek out the blessing we were waiting for. I was hesitant to even mention my feelings to Matt, I was so convinced that it was wrong, like "forcing the Lord's hand" to ask for such a specific blessing. We discussed it, though, and began reading the church material that we had on hand, where blessings and healings were concerned. What we discovered were many examples of people in the scriptures seeking out Jesus and his prophets for specific blessings of healing. We also read in A New Witness for the Articles of Faith that signs will always follow those who believe, and that, as faithful latter-day saints, we were entitled to such blessings from heaven.
We resolved to continue studying the matter that week, and the following Sunday we fasted, and Aaron, Matthew's brother administered blessings of healing to both of us (because we didn't want to assume that it was only Matthew that needed healing, given that it was MY fault that IVF didn't work.)
The Spirit was definitely there, but not in an overwhelming abundance, and I, quite honestly, didn't feel any more convinced after the blessings than I had before that it was even Heavenly Father's will that have we be healed, I just had a general feeling of okay-ness that told me we hadn't done anything wrong.
Then 3.5 weeks later I woke up one morning, pee'd on a pregnancy test, and discovered that, for the first time ever, I was pregnant. At the first possible opportunity since receiving our blessings, and after 4 years of marriage, I was pregnant.
I can't begin to describe the feelings that I had then, that I have even now while I'm typing this. I know it looks more bald, written out like this rather than being experienced first-hand, but every part of me KNOWS that I got pregnant at the first opportunity like that so that I would have no doubt in my mind that it was Heavenly Father's hand, His blessing in my life, and not some spontaneous pregnancy. To Heavenly Father it was quite planned, and we were, in a word, overjoyed.
It is so puzzling to me, being on this side of things. It's hard for me to know exactly where I stand in terms of infertility and Matthew's and my desires and plans for a family.
For example, we decided that we would wait until Elijah was a year old to start trying to have another baby. The fact that we would even PLAN when to start trying to conceive naturally was odd to me. We also decided that we would not use any birth control methods for the first year, because by that point in the game, another pregnancy, another baby, would be a miraculous blessing. I don't know if it was doubt, that we really were healed, or just trusting that Heavenly Father would bless us with the children we were meant to have at the time we were meant to have them, even if it meant being surprised with a baby when we weren't trying.
Before that year was up, we actually WERE trying (I think we ended up waiting 9 months before trying again) and 2 days before Elijah hit his first birthday I found out I was pregnant with Abigail.
While I was pregnant with Abigail we agreed that it was much harder, being pregnant with such a young toddler, than it was when I didn't have any kids. We said at the time that our plan, after having Abigail, would be to space the next baby a little more, and to not start trying again until Abigail was 1 year and 9 months old (so, adding 10+ months to the age gap.)
After I had Abigail, though, I started reconsidering this plan of ours. I'm not entirely sure why, I don't know if it's because I just miss being pregnant, or if it's Heavenly Father guiding us through my unease. I've been trying so hard lately to figure this out, and have struggled much with it.
One area we've struggled with is coming to an agreement on what form of birth control we should use. I do not want to use the birth control pill, because I don't like that I have no idea what my body would prefer to do on its own, without man-made hormones telling my body to not ovulate and when to start my period. I didn't want to go off it when we're ready to try and then have no frame of reference. An IUD is too long term for what we were planning, and Matthew does like the idea of using condoms. He doesn't like the connotation, and it makes him feel like he's doing wrong things, which I totally understand and respect. If he feels that strongly about it, I'm not going to question it, much like how he needs to be okay with me not wanting to go on the pill. Sooo that really only leaves us with the diaphragm, hence why I've been posting lately on using it or not, where on earth to get this prescription filled, etc etc.
The thing is, I'm fine with the thought of using the diaphragm. I've realized that I don't have a beef with that, per se.
So what DO I have a problem with?
To be honest, I don't know. I have been praying about this, about what to do, for a while now, probably since shortly after Abigail was born. Maybe because I had such a good experience with her labour and delivery, and I don't feel this emotional and physical trauma that I want to avoid anytime soon? I don't know.
I have been praying about the decision Matthew and I had made, to wait until 1 year and 9 months to try, but I have been receiving no peace about that. I struggled with these feelings on my own for a bit, but I fully realize that I can't be the one to make this decision, that Matthew and I need to make it together. The problem, though, is that we approach prayer and direction in 2 different (though perfectly fine) ways. He gets ideas and goes ahead and does them until they make him uneasy. He doesn't need or desire an answer, he simply trusts that Heavenly Father will let him know when it is wrong, or when something needs to change. I admire that about him, but I don't necessarily wish to be like that, because I don't feel that there is anything wrong with how I approach Heavenly Father in prayer. I tend to think things through a lot more, come to a decision, and then pray to feel right about that decision. If I don't feel right about it, I don't do it, and I seek and pray until I find a way that feels good to me, and that I feel peaceful about when I'm praying. I know it seems very opposite, and that one must be right or wrong, but if so, I can't tell which.
So, where building our family is concerned, Matthew is content to go ahead with our plan until it feels wrong. Is my unease the equivalent of things feeling wrong? It's hard to say. I don't mind if we end up waiting however long before trying again! I just want to know that our decision is right before Heavenly Father, and that it is pleasing to Him, and I get no such feelings right now. Nor do I think that we should not do anything at all. That just feels...careless.
So anyway, I've been struggling with this. I've gone to the temple praying about it twice now, and have been studying my scriptures, and so on.
When we were at the temple on Tuesday night for Kira's endowment, I sat for a while in the celestial room. I pondered, I prayed, I listened, and then I left (I had a baby waiting for me, after all!) While in the celestial room, though, I had a thought pop into my head, and it was that we should try again once I get to a certain weight (145# I believe it was.) I didn't dismiss the thought, but I didn't take it immediately as inspiration either, because I know how my mind wanders, and how I tend to like hair-brained weight loss schemes and the like.
I was tossing that thought around though, trying it out to see if it really was inspiration, and continuing to pray.
Then this morning, when I went for my walk/jog I realized I hadn't said my prayers yet today. I started saying them as I was walking, which I really like to do, because then I can say them out loud with no-one else around, and I'm walking, which is pretty mindless, AND my knees don't start to hurt, and my legs don't fall asleep.
SO. I was saying my prayers while walking. And you have to understand that my prayers, when said out loud, are more like conversations with Heavenly Father. I talk His ear off, tell him what I think and how I feel, and respond to thoughts and feelings I have as if it's someone conversing back with me. I'm sure to someone who doesn't believe in Heavenly Father I would seem entirely crazy, having complete conversations with myself, but I know that it's how Heavenly Father speaks to me.
So anyway, I'd already been praying about my unease, and this is a bit of the "conversation with God" that followed:
-While in the temple, Heavenly Father, I had the thought pop into my head that maybe I should lose weight (down to 145 I think?) before we start trying again. I don't know if it was a prompting or just me, but I keep thinking it and am just wondering if maybe that's what we should do...
-That sounds like a good idea...
-Well I know it's a good idea...
-Then do it.
I continued this conversation a little more, seeking to know if this was one of those scenarios where any decision is a good decision, and I didn't feel that necessarily. I am still trying to sort out how to describe exactly what it was that I felt about it all. I feel like anything beyond what Heavenly Father spoke to me would just be me trying to explain and interpret it, which I've learned to not do.
There could be many reasons this is right for me and my family. Maybe it'll take me the 1 year and 9 months to get to 145. Maybe it'll be a good motivation to get in shape and treat my body as the temple that it is. Maybe I need to get in shape for my next pregnancy because it's going to be a physically demanding one. Maybe it'll provide me with something distracting to focus on, rather than OPK's and cervical positions. Maybe it's just something I want to do, and Heavenly Father is supportive of me doing it.
But whatever the reason, I am grateful for that answer to prayer. It was more than I had this morning. It has given me the purpose and direction that I wanted, in order to feel good about not trying for another baby right now. I can't claim to know exactly what will happen once I reach my goal weight. Again, I long ago stopped interpreting with a semblance of surety the answers to prayer that I've received. I just take it and go, because who knows what will happen along the way. Maybe this is what I need to get me through the next little while, to kill some time before we have other things to think about, or to keep me from going pregnancy-crazy until my hormones get sorted out and I can think straight again. Maybe I'll never even get to 145, and we'll have a surprise pregnancy along the way. Maybe the direction we receive will change before I get to 145. Either way, though, I feel like this is a course of action Heavenly Father is pleased with, and I'm grateful for that.
The funny is, this wouldn't be such a big deal if it weren't for infertility. I just feel so much like it's not MY plan we're following. I had a plan once upon a time, and I feel presumtuous when it comes to having much of a plan again in the future, because I know how little control I have over everything.
I am in NO WAY complaining about the blessings of healing that we received. I just have a hard time knowing how to interpret...life, I guess, through the lens of things being one way and then drastically changing to the other. Infertility still affects me. I still struggle and have doubts. I still don't know when I'll get pregnant again. I feel like I can plan to start trying and expect to get pregnant shortly after, but I also feel like my plan could blow up in pieces. Part of me feels like I'm at the whim of this magnificently powerful being, and that I should just stop trying to plan for the future because my plans didn't work out before, but part of me also feels that Heavenly Father would be displeased with me, having the testimony that I have of our being healed and never thinking about or planning for when and how our children come to us. Would it be careless to not use any form of birth control, and to have one baby after another, even when we can't provide for them? Would it be foolish to say, "Heavenly Father will bless us when He sees fit"? I feel like it would be, and yet it feels awfully strange to have to think about birth control after experiencing infertility. It feels presumptuous to assume that trying at 1year and 9mos could potentially mean getting pregnant then.
I wonder how much of this is my own doubts still lingering. I know that it at least partly is, or else why would I fear that, if we do wait a while before trying, what happens if I don't get pregnant then? Shouldn't I have learned by now, that it will happen according to Heavenly Father's timeline? But see, that's why I've wanted to feel some sort of assurance, that the course of action that we've chosen is right before the Lord, and why any sort of unease troubles me.
Anyway, I've made this post quite long enough, considering how I started it almost 2 hours ago. I'm overdue to drink some water and have a snack, and I might have got a little irritated with Matthew and Abigail a little while back for being so darn visually distracting when I was trying to formulate an important sentence, so I should go make peace with them (I'm in dad's office finishing this without distractions ;) )
All I can say is, I am so so SO grateful. I hoped and prayed so much for my two little miracles, and I hope and pray for those who will yet come to our family. I am grateful for the direction Heavenly Father provided me with today, and I'm feeling rather excited to work out, eat healthy, cut out sweets, and get down to my goal weight. I don't think I've ever been so pumped about weight loss, and I just hope it keeps up. I think, thanks to the inspiration I received, it will. :-)
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Weekly Wednesday Weigh-in...on Thursday
In my defense, I had the flu, or food poisoning, or something awful yesterday that put me down for the count, so this didn't make it up then. But! It did mean that I dropped this week, rather than staying steady, or worse, gaining. Wouldn't it be awful if getting sick made you gain weight? I figure there have to be some perks to getting sick, and losing teeny bits of weight is one of them.
So. I've been blog-hopping to other people doing this WWW thing, and have been pretty inspired. I really like that I'm not the only one doing this. It somehow adds to my accountability, because I know that I, for one, am excited to see others succeeding, and it motivates me to do the same.
So I'm going to be a copycat and throw up the icon on the side (compliments of Josey) and steal the layout (compliments of Michele.)
Here I go!
Weekly Wednesday Weigh-in (Start of week 3 we'll say? Because I've been working on this a teeny bit already, but am really starting this accountability thing here and now.)
1. Reiterate my goal and where I stand in reference to this goal. (BMI info from this website)
Starting weight: 169
Last Week's Weight: 170
Current Weight: 168 (-2 from last week, which I attribute to the stomach bug I got the night before weighing in.) 28 lbs to goal.
Goal Weight : 140-145
Starting BMI: 27.3 (overweight is 25-29.9)
Last Week's BMI: 27.4
Current BMI: 27.1
Goal BMI: 22.6-23.4 (in the normal range)
2. Discuss what I am going to do to achieve my goals.
Progress on last week's activities:
So as anyone can see, this week was a pretty big failure to me. It probably would have reflected with my weight too, except that I got sick. Another benefit of getting sick and not wanted to eat anything, though, is that when I finally DID start wanting food this morning, it sure as heck wasn't junk food that my body was craving. In fact, the few times I've had chocolate today, my immediate thought after eating it has been, "Well that wasn't as good as I'd thought it would be. Totally wasted calories..." I'm trying to hold on to those feelings, and go tomorrow without any chocolate which, I'm sorry to say, will be quite an accomplishment for me. It'll be day one of my chocolate-free year (because I dream all big and unrealistically like that!)
Anyway, on to this week's goals.
3. Try to motivate others to join in on trying to lose weight
I feel like this point is a little irrelevant to me. I don't comment on many blogs, and am pretty confident that I don't have many readers, so my sphere of influence is rather limited. For what it's worth, though, here are the blogs I've been reading that motivate me, and who are also doing this WWW thing:
Bloggers I follow that are participating:
Josey @ My Cheap Version of Therapy
Gee @ GeeBaby
Michele @ Greetings from Nowhere
4. Post a (reasonably healthy) recipe that I've tried, a cooking tip, a new idea for working out for people to try, a photo update of my weight loss, or anything else I feel like sharing.
For this week I'll post about my desire to cut sweets out entirely.
I've tried to do this in the past. I think the idea was born of a girl I met in my teenage years. She was a figure skater (like me, but probably much better than me. I was known to look like a squatting dog while trying to do a sit-spin, but that's neither here nor there...) and she had a great body, so it's not like she cut out sweets to lose weight. I just remember her saying that her mom promised her $500 if she could cut out sweets for one year. At the time I met her, she was already 7-8 months into this, and I was uber impressed. I don't think I ever saw the girl again, but her turning down my offer of some slushee or skittles or whatever it was that I had and was trying to share really struck me, and I've wanted to do it ever since.
Problem is, it's a lot harder than I had ever imagined. I've realized over the last few years that there are very very very few times that I turn down chocolate. If someone is offering, I almost always say 'yes' and I've come to admire and hold in awe those who say 'no.' They don't want a Hershey's Kiss? The last brownie? Seconds on that yummy cake for dessert? Some fuzzy peaches I stashed in my church bag? What on EARTH is going through their mind, where is this supernatural strength coming from, and can I get me a slice of it??
Really, though, it's hard for me to turn junk down. It's a little triumph to me, to say no on something I want but know I don't need.
So you can imagine how cutting out sweets for an entire year would be difficult. BUT I feel that it's necessary.
I have so little self-control. Sooooo little. Like, if I'm determined to not have any chocolate in the day, but justify it saying, "It's just one chocolate! I can surely go without most junk food, and just have this little bit...right?" then I will inevitably be back there within 15 minutes for another, because 2 is not that much more than one, and eventually it becomes, "Well, I've already blown today, so I might as well start trying to cut out junk tomorrow instead..." and it's all a downward spiral from there.
I know setting my sights at 1 year is rather lofty and unforgiving, but I need something that strict in order for me to stick to it.
Except...maybe a year IS too lofty. Ohh, I don't know! I've tried to do this before, and the longest I've gone is 45 days. I did that once, and another time I went 28 days, which I feel is an accomplishment both times, but the thing is, last year, when I went the 45 days, once I started eating junk food again, I did so with a reckless abandonment that I'm ashamed of. I became addicted to Junior Mints, and was starting to hide the boxes everywhere so I didn't have to let my husband know how many I ate. I'd buy the big box, because I'd want more later anyway, and then I'd go and eat it in one sitting. It was BAD (and, I suspect it's how I went from 158 after Elijah was born to 175, just 11.5 months later, when I got pregnant with Abigail.)
So anyway. My goal is to go for all of 2012 without sweets. It'll be my sweet-free year, with sweets including pop, candy, chocolate, cookies and hot chocolate, and not including apple sauce, fruit snacks, frozen yogurt and real fruit juice.
And just to make it more tempting, to keep me on the straight and narrow of my sweet-free life, Matt has agreed that I can either get the electric keyboard, camera, or new lens that I want at the end of it.
Anyway, I'm beat. I'm still recovering from whatever it was that I had yesterday, and I need to get some sleep in me. Good luck to all those on the same weight-loss journey, wherever you are! I'll push forward in my own way, you push forward in yours, and maybe, just maybe, we'll all be able to do this thing and look as smokin' hot as we all feel (or want to feel!)
So. I've been blog-hopping to other people doing this WWW thing, and have been pretty inspired. I really like that I'm not the only one doing this. It somehow adds to my accountability, because I know that I, for one, am excited to see others succeeding, and it motivates me to do the same.
So I'm going to be a copycat and throw up the icon on the side (compliments of Josey) and steal the layout (compliments of Michele.)
Here I go!
Weekly Wednesday Weigh-in (Start of week 3 we'll say? Because I've been working on this a teeny bit already, but am really starting this accountability thing here and now.)
1. Reiterate my goal and where I stand in reference to this goal. (BMI info from this website)
Starting weight: 169
Last Week's Weight: 170
Current Weight: 168 (-2 from last week, which I attribute to the stomach bug I got the night before weighing in.) 28 lbs to goal.
Goal Weight : 140-145
Starting BMI: 27.3 (overweight is 25-29.9)
Last Week's BMI: 27.4
Current BMI: 27.1
Goal BMI: 22.6-23.4 (in the normal range)
2. Discuss what I am going to do to achieve my goals.
Progress on last week's activities:
- Take small amounts of desserts:
I think I did well with this. Definitely not perfect, I can think of a couple times where I wasn't trying at all (can we say 1/2 a box of Pot of Gold for lunch on Sunday???) but I did try. I know there were times I could have had more junk than I did, I felt the pull of it, but I resisted, and resistance of any sort is great progress for me, where junk food is concerned. - Not taking seconds on main courses:
I only took seconds once, and it was for more apple sauce and a teeny bit of corn. - Take more meat and veggies than rolls and corn:
I really didn't remember to do this one. The end. - Drinking lots of water:
I HAVE to get better at this! I completely failed at this one too, especially over the last 2 days where all I've been drinking is powerade, to up my electrolites after the puke-capade that was yesterday. - Maybe, just maybe go for a run:
Nope.
So as anyone can see, this week was a pretty big failure to me. It probably would have reflected with my weight too, except that I got sick. Another benefit of getting sick and not wanted to eat anything, though, is that when I finally DID start wanting food this morning, it sure as heck wasn't junk food that my body was craving. In fact, the few times I've had chocolate today, my immediate thought after eating it has been, "Well that wasn't as good as I'd thought it would be. Totally wasted calories..." I'm trying to hold on to those feelings, and go tomorrow without any chocolate which, I'm sorry to say, will be quite an accomplishment for me. It'll be day one of my chocolate-free year (because I dream all big and unrealistically like that!)
Anyway, on to this week's goals.
- Go for a jog tomorrow or Saturday (before the temperature drops around here.) Jog around the country block here, which is around 4km, or 2.5m to American-minded folk.
- Go through my Zumba intro DVD just once, so that I know the 'moves' and feel like there isn't this barrier to me doing it during the day.
- Don't eat any sweets at all, as of tomorrow.
- Buy a water bottle, start using it to track my water drinkage.
- Find one healthy recipe and make it for dinner.
3. Try to motivate others to join in on trying to lose weight
I feel like this point is a little irrelevant to me. I don't comment on many blogs, and am pretty confident that I don't have many readers, so my sphere of influence is rather limited. For what it's worth, though, here are the blogs I've been reading that motivate me, and who are also doing this WWW thing:
Bloggers I follow that are participating:
Josey @ My Cheap Version of Therapy
Gee @ GeeBaby
Michele @ Greetings from Nowhere
4. Post a (reasonably healthy) recipe that I've tried, a cooking tip, a new idea for working out for people to try, a photo update of my weight loss, or anything else I feel like sharing.
For this week I'll post about my desire to cut sweets out entirely.
I've tried to do this in the past. I think the idea was born of a girl I met in my teenage years. She was a figure skater (like me, but probably much better than me. I was known to look like a squatting dog while trying to do a sit-spin, but that's neither here nor there...) and she had a great body, so it's not like she cut out sweets to lose weight. I just remember her saying that her mom promised her $500 if she could cut out sweets for one year. At the time I met her, she was already 7-8 months into this, and I was uber impressed. I don't think I ever saw the girl again, but her turning down my offer of some slushee or skittles or whatever it was that I had and was trying to share really struck me, and I've wanted to do it ever since.
Problem is, it's a lot harder than I had ever imagined. I've realized over the last few years that there are very very very few times that I turn down chocolate. If someone is offering, I almost always say 'yes' and I've come to admire and hold in awe those who say 'no.' They don't want a Hershey's Kiss? The last brownie? Seconds on that yummy cake for dessert? Some fuzzy peaches I stashed in my church bag? What on EARTH is going through their mind, where is this supernatural strength coming from, and can I get me a slice of it??
Really, though, it's hard for me to turn junk down. It's a little triumph to me, to say no on something I want but know I don't need.
So you can imagine how cutting out sweets for an entire year would be difficult. BUT I feel that it's necessary.
I have so little self-control. Sooooo little. Like, if I'm determined to not have any chocolate in the day, but justify it saying, "It's just one chocolate! I can surely go without most junk food, and just have this little bit...right?" then I will inevitably be back there within 15 minutes for another, because 2 is not that much more than one, and eventually it becomes, "Well, I've already blown today, so I might as well start trying to cut out junk tomorrow instead..." and it's all a downward spiral from there.
I know setting my sights at 1 year is rather lofty and unforgiving, but I need something that strict in order for me to stick to it.
Except...maybe a year IS too lofty. Ohh, I don't know! I've tried to do this before, and the longest I've gone is 45 days. I did that once, and another time I went 28 days, which I feel is an accomplishment both times, but the thing is, last year, when I went the 45 days, once I started eating junk food again, I did so with a reckless abandonment that I'm ashamed of. I became addicted to Junior Mints, and was starting to hide the boxes everywhere so I didn't have to let my husband know how many I ate. I'd buy the big box, because I'd want more later anyway, and then I'd go and eat it in one sitting. It was BAD (and, I suspect it's how I went from 158 after Elijah was born to 175, just 11.5 months later, when I got pregnant with Abigail.)
So anyway. My goal is to go for all of 2012 without sweets. It'll be my sweet-free year, with sweets including pop, candy, chocolate, cookies and hot chocolate, and not including apple sauce, fruit snacks, frozen yogurt and real fruit juice.
And just to make it more tempting, to keep me on the straight and narrow of my sweet-free life, Matt has agreed that I can either get the electric keyboard, camera, or new lens that I want at the end of it.
Anyway, I'm beat. I'm still recovering from whatever it was that I had yesterday, and I need to get some sleep in me. Good luck to all those on the same weight-loss journey, wherever you are! I'll push forward in my own way, you push forward in yours, and maybe, just maybe, we'll all be able to do this thing and look as smokin' hot as we all feel (or want to feel!)
Sunday, December 25, 2011
First Christmas as a Family of Four!
We even have the photo to prove it!
I can't believe that's our first photo of the four of us together, but what better time to have a photo taken than on Christmas day at church, just after Abigail's baby blessing? It helps that it's a good photo of all of us, and that Elijah isn't flailing in Matt's arms (yet...he started to about 10 seconds later...)
I feel a complete jumble of emotions today. I think about this time last year, when we were celebrating Elijah's first Christmas, and it seems so long ago. My little boy has grown so much since then, and is quite the little man now. Last Christmas Abigail wasn't even in the picture (although technically I did get pregnant on that cycle) and I was wondering when I actually would get pregnant again, and what this year would hold. It has been such a busy year for us, and an incredibly happy one. I dare to say our best one yet. It makes me feel a bit like 2012 can't possibly be as good as 2011, but I know that's just because I haven't lived it yet.
I have so many hopes, dreams and goals for the new year, but I'll save that rambling for another post. I'll simply finish this by saying just how thankful I am for the Christmas season. I have given and received so many gifts, but none of them compare with the gift of having a loving and supportive husband, two beautiful children, and family and friends all around who we love so much. I have been so richly blessed in these things, and yet even these abundant blessings pale in comparison to the ultimate gift that we were all given, that we remember this Christmas season. Without the birth of our Lord, Jesus Christ, without his perfect life and the gift of the atonement, we would not be able to have hope in this life, or experience the joy that we do. I know that I can repent of my sins, be forgiven, and improve myself each day. I know that I can one day stand, unashamed, in the presence of my Maker, and live eternally with him and all those I love. All of this because 2000 some-odd years ago a little baby was born to save the world.
I love Christmas and I truly do hope that everyone has a wonderful and blessed Merry Christmas this year.
I can't believe that's our first photo of the four of us together, but what better time to have a photo taken than on Christmas day at church, just after Abigail's baby blessing? It helps that it's a good photo of all of us, and that Elijah isn't flailing in Matt's arms (yet...he started to about 10 seconds later...)
I feel a complete jumble of emotions today. I think about this time last year, when we were celebrating Elijah's first Christmas, and it seems so long ago. My little boy has grown so much since then, and is quite the little man now. Last Christmas Abigail wasn't even in the picture (although technically I did get pregnant on that cycle) and I was wondering when I actually would get pregnant again, and what this year would hold. It has been such a busy year for us, and an incredibly happy one. I dare to say our best one yet. It makes me feel a bit like 2012 can't possibly be as good as 2011, but I know that's just because I haven't lived it yet.
I have so many hopes, dreams and goals for the new year, but I'll save that rambling for another post. I'll simply finish this by saying just how thankful I am for the Christmas season. I have given and received so many gifts, but none of them compare with the gift of having a loving and supportive husband, two beautiful children, and family and friends all around who we love so much. I have been so richly blessed in these things, and yet even these abundant blessings pale in comparison to the ultimate gift that we were all given, that we remember this Christmas season. Without the birth of our Lord, Jesus Christ, without his perfect life and the gift of the atonement, we would not be able to have hope in this life, or experience the joy that we do. I know that I can repent of my sins, be forgiven, and improve myself each day. I know that I can one day stand, unashamed, in the presence of my Maker, and live eternally with him and all those I love. All of this because 2000 some-odd years ago a little baby was born to save the world.
I love Christmas and I truly do hope that everyone has a wonderful and blessed Merry Christmas this year.
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Crazy busy
It's been a while since I posted, and it's frustrating because I've actually had so many random things I've wanted to say! Of course, now I'm going to forget them all, or they're going to come out boring and blunt which is not how they felt at the time. Oh well. Here it goes, in bullet-point form.
And now I think I absolutely MUST go to bed. My eyes are closing against my will, and knowing my luck, tomorrow will be the day Elijah gets up before 7.
I think I'll do a post tomorrow, but in case I don't, I hope every has a merry little Christmas!
- Ward christmas social last week - someone thought it'd be a good idea to hire out a little bit of entertainment, and we had a quartet of male singers in to sing some old coffeeshop-style songs. They were pretty good, but my favourite part of it all was how they started out singing a traditional song that goes, "I love coffee, I love tea" and going on and on about how they love java, and they're coffee pots and pouring each other some coffee and drinking it up. Apparently it's a really common opening song, but in a gymnasium full of Mormons? It was nothing short of hilarious. I haven't laughed so hard in ages.
- We went for dinner at my dad's girlfriend's place and had the best time. Jude's family is awesome. Not only are they ridiculously nice and ate my children up, but they were so musical and fun. After dinner they wanted to sing some songs, and Matt was kind of groaning until 4 guitars, a couple ukuleles, a leather drum, and a heck of a lot of 4-part harmonies were busted out, at which point Matthew took a place on the piano bench and started playing along while the rest of us belted out Christmas songs as the kids danced in the middle. It was the sort of thing you hear about but never get to be a part of, except we DID and I feel so lucky.
- Random downer compared to my last bullet point, but I'm feeling replaced where my one close friend is concerned. See, in August Farrah came to terms with the fact that she has PPD. I tried to not over-burden her with all of my late-pregnancy emotional struggles, and then I had a baby, so we hadn't seen much of each other for a bit. Now, as more time goes on, there's this couple in our ward with 4 kids, and I KNOW they're super needy, Farrah told me so, but I can't help but feel replaced. It's always, "Dave is busy, he has plans to go out with J to play pool" or "We're going to go see Breaking Dawn with the C's" or "I'm watching the C's kids tonight for them, so I can't go out" and I'm just realizing that the friends we have might not feel like we're as good friends as we'd thought. They've started sitting with them at church and at ward socials, where beforehand they'd always sit with Dave's family. I know I'm reading into it too much, and I HATE that I'm being the needy friend. I don't want to be that person, but I still feel...I don't know. Replaced? Is that grade-school? We don't have a lot of close friends that we spend time with on a regular basis, and I feel like they are too busy with other friends to hang out with us. AND I worry that, because Matt and Dave work together, they don't want to hang out outside of work, and that it's becoming a business relationship that is strained outside of the office. And I can't even tell you how much it bugs me that I'm letting these old, high-school-like insecurities come out. I sound so 10th grade.
- I FINALLY managed to get my diap.hragm prescription filled. Apparently it was ready to be picked up today, but we celebrated Christmas today, and won't be able to pick it up until Tuesday. It works out well, actually, because I didn't want to use it until after Christmas. I don't know why, it's arbitrary, but it just felt important to me to not think about it during the Christmas season.
- So the "FINALLY" from the previous bullet point is because apparently NO distributor in Canada manufactures DP's (my acronym for 'diap.hragm') anymore. I went to a number of different pharmacies, and nope, nadda. I was getting kind of upset, like, "Well fine! We won't use ANYTHING!" upset) but it's worked out, which I feel good about. And I'm glad I feel good about it, because it feels like confirmation to me that this is what we should do.
- Matt's brother and SIL arrived on Tuesday and I have been SO busy ever since, between dinners, lunch out at all-you-can-eat-sushi places, Christmas shopping, making gifts, going to the Hobby Lobby (favourite store EVER!) and catching up.
- Weekly Wednesday Weigh-ins - I meant to write on Wednesday, and was ridiculously inspired by Josey's post on her progress, but I honestly ran out of time in the day. I've been running on 6 hours of sleep every night this week, and STILL am not finding time to do everything. My progress was not progress at all, but a 1# weight gain, bringing me up to 170#. My goal over the next week is to not gain any more weight. I plan to go about this by taking a small amount of desserts, not taking seconds of main courses, taking more meat and veggies than rolls and corn, and drinking lots of water. If the weather improves, I might attempt a jog, as my BIL has been jogging and has inspired me. So there, that's the gist of my progress.
- We took some Christmas photos today and I feel sick to my stomach when I think about how huge I look in them. It was a completely unflattering angle (somehow I wound up on the end, leaning in while sitting twisted sideways, without sucking in my gut.) Ugh. I'll post it just as motivation.
- Sometimes I really struggle with the desire to learn to photoshop myself to look thinner. I hate my body sometimes. The only thing keeping me from doing it is the sweet, little, innocent girl sleeping in the bassinet near me right now. How can I raise her to be a confident girl with a knowledge of her divine worth if I'm sitting her photoshopping my rolls off of me? This blog post and video are also helping.
- I hate how, I love my belly so much when pregnant, and hate it so much when not pregnant. It goes from being cute to disgustingly flabby, and I just...lose confidence.
- On to happier things. I found some AWESOME fabric at the Hobby Lobby and am going to be making nursing covers and a Mei Tei baby carrier (like the BabyHawk.) SO excited!
- Yesterday I realized that my nursing cover was all the way in our apartment, so I decided to try to nurse without the cover. I'm SO proud to say that it was a success, and I've done it twice since! The hilarious part though? Here I am, more than a little self-conscious, and trying to do this thing discreetly enough to be comfortable and not make others uncomfortable, but as I'm sitting down, Matt decides to "warn" the room in general that I'm about to nurse without a cover. He tries to say he did as an FYI, don't look at Holly sort of thing, but it was actually really frustrating and ironic, because it was the exact opposite of what I had wanted to do. AND it actually served to make my one BIL a little uncomfortable I think. Now I won't let Matt forget about it, because it was actually quite funny, and I did it successfully, so now I can look back and laugh about it. ;)
- Yesterday was kind of our Christmas Eve, and once Elijah went to bed we set up his train table. He absolutely loves it, and it there was quite the showdown when we went to go leave for dinner tonight and he had to be carried away amidst kicks and screams. Good times!
- Yeah, we decided to exchange gifts today. Christmas fell on a Sunday this year, and we didn't want to exchange gifts then, but instead try to keep Sunday as Sunday; time when we give service and work that brings us closer to Heavenly Father, rather than drawing us into the hype of gifts, toys and gadgets. It's bad enough the the true meaning of Christmas gets shrouded by Santa Clause. I figure that in years to come (really it'll just be once or twice while our kids are younger) we'll tell our kids how Santa knew how we like to honour the Sabbath, and decided to surprise us by bringing out gifts a day early. It doesn't sound very eloquent right now, but I've got 6 or 7 years (I'm too tired to figure out which...) to iron out the kinks in my story. ;)
- I love celebrating Christmas on Christmas Eve. It's like we get 2 days of Christmas celebrations! Well, 3 really, because my family is coming over on Monday for turkey (my first ever!)
- Tomorrow is Abigail's baby blessing in church. I can't wait.
And now I think I absolutely MUST go to bed. My eyes are closing against my will, and knowing my luck, tomorrow will be the day Elijah gets up before 7.
I think I'll do a post tomorrow, but in case I don't, I hope every has a merry little Christmas!
Friday, December 16, 2011
Snack ideas = Little triumphs
I'm making efforts, however small, to eat healthy today. It helped a lot that Matt got up in the middle of the night and ate the rest of the cookies...haha
So I'm going to try to document my successes, and also record the healthy food finds that I discover along the way.
For breakfast I toasted up a whole wheat English Muffin (130 calories) and then microwaved an egg in a small bowl (after scrambling it) for 45 seconds. Then I shredded a bit of cheese on top of the egg, ran around it with a fork, and put it on the English muffin for a breakfast sandwich. SO easy, and only around 200 calories.
I also had my current favourite snack/meal enhancer at lunchtime, which is a homemade parfait. I take a 100g cup of yogurt and put it in a bowl, toss some blackberries on top (around 10), cover it in 1/2 a cup of corn flakes, and then sprinkle some sliced almonds and raisins on top. SO yummy, and again, around 200 calories.
The parfait could be less calories, but I tend to buy the normal yogurt that is sweetened with sugar rather than splenda because I like the taste of it better. What I'm trying to do is still eat the foods I enjoy, but eat them in smaller, but still healthy, quantities. The yogurt cups have the advantage of being individually sized, whereas if I had have bought the tub, then I'd have eaten more of it. So it works for portion control, and then I don't make the rest of my parfait accordingly too big.
Also, I was just reading some tips on reducing calories and portion controlling, and I read that if you down a big glass of water (as in, chug it back like you're in a drinking competition) right before a meal, then you'll be full faster, and have an easier time noticing the cues your stomach is trying to send your brain. I need that at this point, because my body is so accustomed to eating more than I should.
What yummy, easy snacks have you come up with that help you get through your dieting days?
So I'm going to try to document my successes, and also record the healthy food finds that I discover along the way.
For breakfast I toasted up a whole wheat English Muffin (130 calories) and then microwaved an egg in a small bowl (after scrambling it) for 45 seconds. Then I shredded a bit of cheese on top of the egg, ran around it with a fork, and put it on the English muffin for a breakfast sandwich. SO easy, and only around 200 calories.
I also had my current favourite snack/meal enhancer at lunchtime, which is a homemade parfait. I take a 100g cup of yogurt and put it in a bowl, toss some blackberries on top (around 10), cover it in 1/2 a cup of corn flakes, and then sprinkle some sliced almonds and raisins on top. SO yummy, and again, around 200 calories.
The parfait could be less calories, but I tend to buy the normal yogurt that is sweetened with sugar rather than splenda because I like the taste of it better. What I'm trying to do is still eat the foods I enjoy, but eat them in smaller, but still healthy, quantities. The yogurt cups have the advantage of being individually sized, whereas if I had have bought the tub, then I'd have eaten more of it. So it works for portion control, and then I don't make the rest of my parfait accordingly too big.
Also, I was just reading some tips on reducing calories and portion controlling, and I read that if you down a big glass of water (as in, chug it back like you're in a drinking competition) right before a meal, then you'll be full faster, and have an easier time noticing the cues your stomach is trying to send your brain. I need that at this point, because my body is so accustomed to eating more than I should.
What yummy, easy snacks have you come up with that help you get through your dieting days?
Thursday, December 15, 2011
A new journey
This is going to be one of those brutally honest posts, because I need that kind of clarity right now.
Saturday we will be at 10 weeks post-partum.
My hair started shedding this morning for the first time since mid-pregnancy.
My stitches don't bother me anymore. I can even squat with ease.
My last midwives appointment is this afternoon.
I'm getting a diap.hragm in a week and a half.
I took a pregnancy test this morning, just in case there was anything I needed to know before going to the midwives.
There wasn't. Blank as a sheet of paper.
I'm kind of disappointed. I've enjoyed the Russian roulette-ness of the last month. There is something exciting about thinking you might get pregnant spontaneously.
I feel like I don't want my kids spaced as much as my husband, which has always been the case, but I look back on my pregnancy with Abigail (when I said, "I would never space them this close again!") and I think that maybe it wasn't so bad.
Having two kids 20 months apart is actually not that hard.
And have I mentioned I don't want to use a diap.hragm?
I will, don't worry. I know that decisions like when to have kids are to be made by the wife AND the husband (well, and Heavenly Father too) and I will completely respect Matt's wishes.
It was just kind of nice for the last month or so to know we were both on the same Russian roulette page, because we just didn't want to wait to resume relations and would face the consequences accordingly.
Am I making sense?
Do I seem like a terrible wife?
Part of me worries I wanted for so long to be pregnant that I don't know how to NOT want to be pregnant, even when it'd be better for our family for me to not be. It's like this wickedly strong yearning that never goes away.
Where did this desire come from?
So anyway.
Today I'm going to be fitted for a diap.hragm, and tomorrow I'm going to order it. It'll be here in about a week, maybe a little more or less.
The plan from then on is to...well, use it.
Once Abigail is 1.5 years old, we'll start considering another baby. At least, considering in terms of me starting to use OPK's and maybe even temping.
Otherwise, we're diap.hragming it until Abigail is 1 year and 9 months old.
At which point, we're hoping to get pregnant in the following 6 months.
Ridiculous to have it that planned, right?
But I figure we need a jumping off point, and that's it. For now.
In the meantime, I'm on a new journey.
See, apart from the amazingness that it is to be a stay-at-home-mom to my beloved children, I need something to be working on and thinking about.
No, I don't mean a hobby, or a job, or a course in university.
My comparison is how I learned so much about infertility, and spent much of my time obsessing over becoming pregnant and having a baby. I need something to buy books about and get good at.
So what I'm working on right now is getting in shape and eating healthy (she says as she eats a baked potato chip, and thinks ahead to bacon chowder for lunch, and lasagna for dinner...)
Really, though.
I could find healthy recipes and get good at cooking just like I how I learned about using OPK's and checking my basal body temperature. I could do it.
So here's where we stand (or sit, at this precise moment in time.)
The most I've ever weighed is 175 lb's, which is the number I started my pregnancy with Abigail at. I gained 28 lb's (up to 203#) then lost down to 177. I've since whittled down my weight to 169#, which I feel good about.
Not as an end weight, but as a half-way decent starting off point.
When I lost weight before I got pregnant with Elijah, I started at 170#, went down to 150#, then tapered of in my dedication, and gained back up to 155 before hovering there for 5 months, at which point I got pregnant.
I feel like I just need to do it again, and I feel much less overwhelmed, starting at essentially the same weight as then.
I CAN get down to 150. It'll take some work, but it's not impossible.
Neither is 140, for that matter, which is where I'd like to be, but my first goal is 150. I'd be happy to stay there. I felt like, even at 155, I looked good in photos, which to me is the biggest indicator.
I feel like I haven't looked good in photos since the few months after I had Elijah, when my weight was starting to crawl back upwards (when I had Elijah I lost down to 158, and somehow allowed my weight to creep up to 175 over the course of his first year. I entirely blame my addiction to Junior Mints.)
Anyway, I'm starting to go in circles. Suffice it to say that I'm going to start making healthier recipes, and eating smaller portions. No more buying junk food, no Christmas baking except for 1 fudge wreath for my family dinner, and no fast food.
I'm interested to see what 2012 holds for me and my family. I think it's going to be a good year, and I'm actually excited to lose weight and feel good about myself again.
Saturday we will be at 10 weeks post-partum.
My hair started shedding this morning for the first time since mid-pregnancy.
My stitches don't bother me anymore. I can even squat with ease.
My last midwives appointment is this afternoon.
I'm getting a diap.hragm in a week and a half.
I took a pregnancy test this morning, just in case there was anything I needed to know before going to the midwives.
There wasn't. Blank as a sheet of paper.
I'm kind of disappointed. I've enjoyed the Russian roulette-ness of the last month. There is something exciting about thinking you might get pregnant spontaneously.
I feel like I don't want my kids spaced as much as my husband, which has always been the case, but I look back on my pregnancy with Abigail (when I said, "I would never space them this close again!") and I think that maybe it wasn't so bad.
Having two kids 20 months apart is actually not that hard.
And have I mentioned I don't want to use a diap.hragm?
I will, don't worry. I know that decisions like when to have kids are to be made by the wife AND the husband (well, and Heavenly Father too) and I will completely respect Matt's wishes.
It was just kind of nice for the last month or so to know we were both on the same Russian roulette page, because we just didn't want to wait to resume relations and would face the consequences accordingly.
Am I making sense?
Do I seem like a terrible wife?
Part of me worries I wanted for so long to be pregnant that I don't know how to NOT want to be pregnant, even when it'd be better for our family for me to not be. It's like this wickedly strong yearning that never goes away.
Where did this desire come from?
So anyway.
Today I'm going to be fitted for a diap.hragm, and tomorrow I'm going to order it. It'll be here in about a week, maybe a little more or less.
The plan from then on is to...well, use it.
Once Abigail is 1.5 years old, we'll start considering another baby. At least, considering in terms of me starting to use OPK's and maybe even temping.
Otherwise, we're diap.hragming it until Abigail is 1 year and 9 months old.
At which point, we're hoping to get pregnant in the following 6 months.
Ridiculous to have it that planned, right?
But I figure we need a jumping off point, and that's it. For now.
In the meantime, I'm on a new journey.
See, apart from the amazingness that it is to be a stay-at-home-mom to my beloved children, I need something to be working on and thinking about.
No, I don't mean a hobby, or a job, or a course in university.
My comparison is how I learned so much about infertility, and spent much of my time obsessing over becoming pregnant and having a baby. I need something to buy books about and get good at.
So what I'm working on right now is getting in shape and eating healthy (she says as she eats a baked potato chip, and thinks ahead to bacon chowder for lunch, and lasagna for dinner...)
Really, though.
I could find healthy recipes and get good at cooking just like I how I learned about using OPK's and checking my basal body temperature. I could do it.
So here's where we stand (or sit, at this precise moment in time.)
The most I've ever weighed is 175 lb's, which is the number I started my pregnancy with Abigail at. I gained 28 lb's (up to 203#) then lost down to 177. I've since whittled down my weight to 169#, which I feel good about.
Not as an end weight, but as a half-way decent starting off point.
When I lost weight before I got pregnant with Elijah, I started at 170#, went down to 150#, then tapered of in my dedication, and gained back up to 155 before hovering there for 5 months, at which point I got pregnant.
I feel like I just need to do it again, and I feel much less overwhelmed, starting at essentially the same weight as then.
I CAN get down to 150. It'll take some work, but it's not impossible.
Neither is 140, for that matter, which is where I'd like to be, but my first goal is 150. I'd be happy to stay there. I felt like, even at 155, I looked good in photos, which to me is the biggest indicator.
I feel like I haven't looked good in photos since the few months after I had Elijah, when my weight was starting to crawl back upwards (when I had Elijah I lost down to 158, and somehow allowed my weight to creep up to 175 over the course of his first year. I entirely blame my addiction to Junior Mints.)
Anyway, I'm starting to go in circles. Suffice it to say that I'm going to start making healthier recipes, and eating smaller portions. No more buying junk food, no Christmas baking except for 1 fudge wreath for my family dinner, and no fast food.
I'm interested to see what 2012 holds for me and my family. I think it's going to be a good year, and I'm actually excited to lose weight and feel good about myself again.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Needles suck!
WOW what a day. It would have been a challenging day either way, given the mood Elijah woke up in, but then, joy of joys! we had a doctor's appointment at 10am with both of the kiddos.
Now, sometimes when I talk about something, it brings up all the old feelings of blahness, so I'm not going to go into detail about how insane it was, but it was, well, INSANE. For the first time in my life we were THAT family. You know, you're sitting in the nice and quiet waiting room until this family comes in and all h*** breaks loose, and once they finally leave you can hear this collective sigh of relief. Yeah, that was today, except we were the circus arriving at the doctor's, and I have rarely felt so frazzled in my life!
As for the actual appointment, both babes were great. Smiles and fun all around, and apparently we're all thriving. Abigail is up to 12lb 7oz and is 24" long, with a head circumference of 39.8cm. Elijah is 29lb's and 35" TALL (because they measure his height now, rather than length!) So apparently if you double a child's height at the age of 2 then that's what height they'll be when they grow up. If that's the case (and Elijah is 22.5 months still, so 1.5 months to go) then he'll be 6 feet when he's grown, and I'm excited! I love how Matt and his brothers are tall. (don't worry, I know it's a bit of an old wives tale, but Elijah has always been above the 90th percentile for height, so I think he's just...tall.)
Anyway, the vaccinations were sad, of course, and I was so thankful to have Matt with me so that both babes could be comforted at the same time.
The worst part of the day, though? About 2pm. Elijah could only sleep for 30 minutes because he woke up in pain. His legs hurt every time he moved them, and all that would help him and keep him from screaming was to be held, so that he was in one place AND being comforted at the same time.
But then! Abigail woke up from her nap, and guess what? Same thing. Except how do you keep a 2-month-old baby from moving her legs? It was awful. She has never cried like that before, she was just in so much pain every time her left leg moved, and I felt so sad for her.
I remember Elijah reacted like that for his 2-month shots (and his 6-month ones too, if I remember correctly...) but that was harder than today because I'd never experienced it before. This time I knew how to handle it and that it was all going to be fine, but it was still oh so sad.
Anyway, my thoughts are all jumbled (I think I'm actually falling asleep writing this, and it's only 8:10...) so I'm going to wrap this up before my fingers start typing something embarrassing and I end up posting it before I process what it is that I'm writing...haha
Now, sometimes when I talk about something, it brings up all the old feelings of blahness, so I'm not going to go into detail about how insane it was, but it was, well, INSANE. For the first time in my life we were THAT family. You know, you're sitting in the nice and quiet waiting room until this family comes in and all h*** breaks loose, and once they finally leave you can hear this collective sigh of relief. Yeah, that was today, except we were the circus arriving at the doctor's, and I have rarely felt so frazzled in my life!
As for the actual appointment, both babes were great. Smiles and fun all around, and apparently we're all thriving. Abigail is up to 12lb 7oz and is 24" long, with a head circumference of 39.8cm. Elijah is 29lb's and 35" TALL (because they measure his height now, rather than length!) So apparently if you double a child's height at the age of 2 then that's what height they'll be when they grow up. If that's the case (and Elijah is 22.5 months still, so 1.5 months to go) then he'll be 6 feet when he's grown, and I'm excited! I love how Matt and his brothers are tall. (don't worry, I know it's a bit of an old wives tale, but Elijah has always been above the 90th percentile for height, so I think he's just...tall.)
Anyway, the vaccinations were sad, of course, and I was so thankful to have Matt with me so that both babes could be comforted at the same time.
The worst part of the day, though? About 2pm. Elijah could only sleep for 30 minutes because he woke up in pain. His legs hurt every time he moved them, and all that would help him and keep him from screaming was to be held, so that he was in one place AND being comforted at the same time.
But then! Abigail woke up from her nap, and guess what? Same thing. Except how do you keep a 2-month-old baby from moving her legs? It was awful. She has never cried like that before, she was just in so much pain every time her left leg moved, and I felt so sad for her.
I remember Elijah reacted like that for his 2-month shots (and his 6-month ones too, if I remember correctly...) but that was harder than today because I'd never experienced it before. This time I knew how to handle it and that it was all going to be fine, but it was still oh so sad.
Anyway, my thoughts are all jumbled (I think I'm actually falling asleep writing this, and it's only 8:10...) so I'm going to wrap this up before my fingers start typing something embarrassing and I end up posting it before I process what it is that I'm writing...haha
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Feeling drained, so this might not be very coherent, and certainly not cohesive.
We had our first speech therapy session today, and it was uneventful. At this point she lady, M, is still doing the assessment, which at this age mostly just consists of her asking me if he can do something or not. Treatment will be done more at home, and the therapy sessions will be modeling the treatment Matthew and I are to carry out with him. It's all they can really do for a not-even-2-year-old.
I asked M at the end of our session what she thought was "wrong" with Elijah. I asked outright if she thought he was autistic and she doesn't think he is. She's not sure if perhaps he has a facial weakness which is keeping him from using his lips to articulate more front sounds, resulting in the throaty sounds like vowels and the glottal stop he is so fond of. He also has the 'n' and 'd' sounds mastered, and I think that is in large part because of where his tongue hits his soother.
She didn't insist that his soother goes, but she did recommend it (which makes sense, because losing the soother might help, and it won't hurt his speech.) I feel so sad though, like getting rid of the soother is leaving behind all traces of babyhood. It's definitely coming though, I just need to be brave and do it.
I asked M, rather desperately, if she thought Elijah would EVER talk. I wish I could say her response was, "Of course he will! He'll be perfectly normal in no time!" but she didn't. Her response wasn't completely deflating, it was just more along the lines of, "Well, these changes don't happen over night, and we'll have to wait and see, but there is definitely progress to be made, and we can get him communicating much more than he is right now...blah blah blah..." I do think he will acquire some words, he is understanding so much these days (and pointed to his first picture when asked today! I'm honestly so excited by this...) and he makes sounds for things, so words WILL come, I just don't know how many.
I know I've been talking about fear a lot lately, but it really is scary, not knowing if your child will ever speak. You never really realize how much of life hinges on speaking, or at least comprehending and communicating back at some level. It affects every aspect of "normal" life, every hope or dream I have for him (at least in this life...) like gaining an education, serving a mission, having a wife and family, giving talks in Primary and church, singing songs, saying "I love you," or even just calling me "Mommy." All these things I fear I'll never hear, that he'll never experience.
So that was not so encouraging from today. I'm glad we're doing something, but it hurts that we HAVE to do something. On some levels, though, today was reassuring too. The best way I can describe it is to say that I feel validated in my concerns. It's been really difficult, this past year, having worries for Elijah, having these fears deep inside of me, and having next to no-one acknowledge them. First it was because Elijah was still young, he was still within the realm of normal development, although falling behind bit by bit. Then it was because he still had time. Always there were the anecdotes of people who didn't start talking until they were older, and these anecdotes were always given to me as proof that I shouldn't worry. It's been...lonely. I've felt alone in these fears and concerns, less so once Matthew admitted a couple months ago that he is starting to get concerned too. For some reason, that seemed to lessen my own burden. Now that we've started speech therapy, and M has confirmed that Elijah is delayed, I feel like someone is actually listening to me and DOING something about it. That's all I ask.
Anyway, that's really all for today. A downer of a post, to be sure, but it's out of me now, and hopefully some day I'll read these old posts on my blog and smile at this me, and remember how I worried my chatterbox of a little boy would never speak. At least, that's my hope and prayer.
What I'm wondering, though, is if all kids are this much...trouble for lack of a better word. I knew that there would be hardships that come with having children, but I didn't imagine that we would first worry about spina bifida, then Elijah's milk allergy, his lack of weight gain, now speech problems and a new tomato allergy. Not ALL kids have allergies, right? Not ALL kids have speech problems, right? Not ALL kids have to go through appointment after appointment and an MRI at 6 months to check if they have SB or not...right?
I am fully aware that my little molehill of troubles in puny in comparison to the load that some are given to bear, but they are still difficult and real to me.
Anyway, now I really have beat the dead horse. What more can be said?
So off to bed I go, because 5.5 hours of sleep wears on one just a little (and no, it wasn't because I have a newborn...it's because I had a new book to absorb myself in, and I'm fool enough to choose reading over sleep sometimes. Because I'm crazy like that.)
We had our first speech therapy session today, and it was uneventful. At this point she lady, M, is still doing the assessment, which at this age mostly just consists of her asking me if he can do something or not. Treatment will be done more at home, and the therapy sessions will be modeling the treatment Matthew and I are to carry out with him. It's all they can really do for a not-even-2-year-old.
I asked M at the end of our session what she thought was "wrong" with Elijah. I asked outright if she thought he was autistic and she doesn't think he is. She's not sure if perhaps he has a facial weakness which is keeping him from using his lips to articulate more front sounds, resulting in the throaty sounds like vowels and the glottal stop he is so fond of. He also has the 'n' and 'd' sounds mastered, and I think that is in large part because of where his tongue hits his soother.
She didn't insist that his soother goes, but she did recommend it (which makes sense, because losing the soother might help, and it won't hurt his speech.) I feel so sad though, like getting rid of the soother is leaving behind all traces of babyhood. It's definitely coming though, I just need to be brave and do it.
I asked M, rather desperately, if she thought Elijah would EVER talk. I wish I could say her response was, "Of course he will! He'll be perfectly normal in no time!" but she didn't. Her response wasn't completely deflating, it was just more along the lines of, "Well, these changes don't happen over night, and we'll have to wait and see, but there is definitely progress to be made, and we can get him communicating much more than he is right now...blah blah blah..." I do think he will acquire some words, he is understanding so much these days (and pointed to his first picture when asked today! I'm honestly so excited by this...) and he makes sounds for things, so words WILL come, I just don't know how many.
I know I've been talking about fear a lot lately, but it really is scary, not knowing if your child will ever speak. You never really realize how much of life hinges on speaking, or at least comprehending and communicating back at some level. It affects every aspect of "normal" life, every hope or dream I have for him (at least in this life...) like gaining an education, serving a mission, having a wife and family, giving talks in Primary and church, singing songs, saying "I love you," or even just calling me "Mommy." All these things I fear I'll never hear, that he'll never experience.
So that was not so encouraging from today. I'm glad we're doing something, but it hurts that we HAVE to do something. On some levels, though, today was reassuring too. The best way I can describe it is to say that I feel validated in my concerns. It's been really difficult, this past year, having worries for Elijah, having these fears deep inside of me, and having next to no-one acknowledge them. First it was because Elijah was still young, he was still within the realm of normal development, although falling behind bit by bit. Then it was because he still had time. Always there were the anecdotes of people who didn't start talking until they were older, and these anecdotes were always given to me as proof that I shouldn't worry. It's been...lonely. I've felt alone in these fears and concerns, less so once Matthew admitted a couple months ago that he is starting to get concerned too. For some reason, that seemed to lessen my own burden. Now that we've started speech therapy, and M has confirmed that Elijah is delayed, I feel like someone is actually listening to me and DOING something about it. That's all I ask.
Anyway, that's really all for today. A downer of a post, to be sure, but it's out of me now, and hopefully some day I'll read these old posts on my blog and smile at this me, and remember how I worried my chatterbox of a little boy would never speak. At least, that's my hope and prayer.
What I'm wondering, though, is if all kids are this much...trouble for lack of a better word. I knew that there would be hardships that come with having children, but I didn't imagine that we would first worry about spina bifida, then Elijah's milk allergy, his lack of weight gain, now speech problems and a new tomato allergy. Not ALL kids have allergies, right? Not ALL kids have speech problems, right? Not ALL kids have to go through appointment after appointment and an MRI at 6 months to check if they have SB or not...right?
I am fully aware that my little molehill of troubles in puny in comparison to the load that some are given to bear, but they are still difficult and real to me.
Anyway, now I really have beat the dead horse. What more can be said?
So off to bed I go, because 5.5 hours of sleep wears on one just a little (and no, it wasn't because I have a newborn...it's because I had a new book to absorb myself in, and I'm fool enough to choose reading over sleep sometimes. Because I'm crazy like that.)
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Christmas Card and Birth Announcement
I am so excited to post these! I wish I could say I made the cards, but alas, I have no time to figure out photoshop well enough to make these in time. Maybe I'll know enough to make them for next Christmas, or for my next baby, but in the meantime I am SO grateful for a talented SIL who designed these cards for free! I took and edited the photos and she plugged them into the cards, and voila!
[caption id="attachment_1377" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="LOVE it. And can someone please explain to me how my baby is already 2 months old?"]
[/caption]
[caption id="attachment_1378" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Merry Christmas from our home to yours! (and I totally just realized that the card is all non-religious-y. Hmm. I wish it said "This Christmas season," but oh well.)"]
[/caption]
In other news, I'm feeling really overwhelmed and guilty about Elijah right now. We diagnosed his milk allergy last December, and at the time that was all he was showing symptoms of. It's not even a severe allergy, which I found to be really reassuring, because then I wasn't so afraid that he'd die if he was exposed to the little bits of undetected milk along the way. We still cut it out entirely, though, to keep the allergy from worsening. He hasn't grown out of it yet, but there's still much hope that he will (apparently 90% of kids DO outgrow it by the time they're 4.) I also felt comforted knowing that he was born with that allergy, because those allergies tend to be less severe than ones that develop over time.
Well, now we have a new allergy on our hands. It seems as though Elijah is allergic to tomatoes. We discovered this by him getting random hives that we couldn't explain, and then noticing that it was happening more and more frequently, especially after the use of ketchup, sweet and sour sauce, and Diana sauce. The common link between those three things? Tomato paste. Until this morning, we were hopeful that he was just allergic to some other, non-tomato ingredient, but then Matt rubbed a tomato on Elijah's cheek, and he started breaking out in hives almost instantaneously. It was bad. Like, worse than his milk allergy has ever been. Here's a photo of the reaction:
[caption id="attachment_1379" align="aligncenter" width="223" caption="Redness from where Matt rubbed ketchup on his cheek."]
[/caption]
I'll be honest, I'm scared stiff. How is his reaction so bad now, when he didn't even react 1 year ago? 6 months ago, for that matter? Is it getting bad so fast that it'll soon be a fatal reaction, if he's exposed? Is he anaphylactic? Will this ever go away? Is he allergic to the other foods in that same food category, such as peppers and potatoes? Do you have any idea how much a tomato allergy cuts out? If he IS allergic to potatoes too, is it my fault that his allergy is so bad, because he loves to eat french fries when we're out and I buy fast food?
This sucks. Like, big time. It was pretty hard, getting used to a milk allergy, and we're still so constrained by it, even though we're no longer overwhelmed by it. But now? I almost feel like tomatoes are worse. No more pasta, no sauces to dip food in (seriously, it was our saving grace with this picky eater...) no soups (because 99% are either tomato or milk based...) and the worst of it all? Next to nothing we can buy for him when we go through a drive-through.
Now I'm being dramatic. I know there's still chicken noodle soup. And pasta with olive oil and pesto. There's still mustard and mayo and relish (I think...) and there's still onion rings and chicken nuggets. It just requires so much more thought, when it was already rather difficult to feed Elijah, he being a rather picky eater.
Anyway, I should finish this up. I was going to make meatloaf for dinner (although I just realized that Elijah can't even eat it! BAH!) but either way, we need to eat SOMETHING. So....yeah. Feeling like maybe it's canned tuna and crackers for dinner today.
[caption id="attachment_1377" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="LOVE it. And can someone please explain to me how my baby is already 2 months old?"]
[/caption][caption id="attachment_1378" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Merry Christmas from our home to yours! (and I totally just realized that the card is all non-religious-y. Hmm. I wish it said "This Christmas season," but oh well.)"]
[/caption]In other news, I'm feeling really overwhelmed and guilty about Elijah right now. We diagnosed his milk allergy last December, and at the time that was all he was showing symptoms of. It's not even a severe allergy, which I found to be really reassuring, because then I wasn't so afraid that he'd die if he was exposed to the little bits of undetected milk along the way. We still cut it out entirely, though, to keep the allergy from worsening. He hasn't grown out of it yet, but there's still much hope that he will (apparently 90% of kids DO outgrow it by the time they're 4.) I also felt comforted knowing that he was born with that allergy, because those allergies tend to be less severe than ones that develop over time.
Well, now we have a new allergy on our hands. It seems as though Elijah is allergic to tomatoes. We discovered this by him getting random hives that we couldn't explain, and then noticing that it was happening more and more frequently, especially after the use of ketchup, sweet and sour sauce, and Diana sauce. The common link between those three things? Tomato paste. Until this morning, we were hopeful that he was just allergic to some other, non-tomato ingredient, but then Matt rubbed a tomato on Elijah's cheek, and he started breaking out in hives almost instantaneously. It was bad. Like, worse than his milk allergy has ever been. Here's a photo of the reaction:
[caption id="attachment_1379" align="aligncenter" width="223" caption="Redness from where Matt rubbed ketchup on his cheek."]
[/caption]I'll be honest, I'm scared stiff. How is his reaction so bad now, when he didn't even react 1 year ago? 6 months ago, for that matter? Is it getting bad so fast that it'll soon be a fatal reaction, if he's exposed? Is he anaphylactic? Will this ever go away? Is he allergic to the other foods in that same food category, such as peppers and potatoes? Do you have any idea how much a tomato allergy cuts out? If he IS allergic to potatoes too, is it my fault that his allergy is so bad, because he loves to eat french fries when we're out and I buy fast food?
This sucks. Like, big time. It was pretty hard, getting used to a milk allergy, and we're still so constrained by it, even though we're no longer overwhelmed by it. But now? I almost feel like tomatoes are worse. No more pasta, no sauces to dip food in (seriously, it was our saving grace with this picky eater...) no soups (because 99% are either tomato or milk based...) and the worst of it all? Next to nothing we can buy for him when we go through a drive-through.
Now I'm being dramatic. I know there's still chicken noodle soup. And pasta with olive oil and pesto. There's still mustard and mayo and relish (I think...) and there's still onion rings and chicken nuggets. It just requires so much more thought, when it was already rather difficult to feed Elijah, he being a rather picky eater.
Anyway, I should finish this up. I was going to make meatloaf for dinner (although I just realized that Elijah can't even eat it! BAH!) but either way, we need to eat SOMETHING. So....yeah. Feeling like maybe it's canned tuna and crackers for dinner today.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
My attempt at Christmas photos...
I've been realizing over the last few days how impossible it is to take photos of my kids together. I've been a little bummed that I don't have any, so instead of waiting for Matt to come home from work and help me, I've been taking it on myself to get a few. Which sounds like a great idea, right?
WRONG!
How I ever thought I'd be able to keep an active and defiant little toddler in place long enough to pose an unposable baby is beyond me. Elijah is NEVER in the same space as Abigail unless it's to give her a kiss (or a bite, depending on his mood,) to whack her with something like a Rock Band drumstick, or to flail around wildly on the couch, and kick in her general direction. I should really just quit trying to get them nicely in the same frame while my sanity is still intact.
At the very least, though, the end result of my attempts is an amusing set of photos that I'm pretty sure I'll cherish 5, 10, 20 years down the road!
[caption id="attachment_1363" align="aligncenter" width="226" caption="First I gave Elijah his soother and a cookie (because who misbehaves when they have a cookie?!)"]
[/caption]
[caption id="attachment_1364" align="aligncenter" width="209" caption="Then I positioned Abby in an upright position."]
[/caption]
[caption id="attachment_1369" align="aligncenter" width="199" caption="Then I tried putting Elijah on the couch and realized that he would only stay put if I gave him fruit snacks (the cookie having long since lost its appeal)"]
[/caption]
[caption id="attachment_1365" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="But far too quickly for my liking, Elijah was done his fruit snacks and away he went..."]
[/caption]
[caption id="attachment_1371" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="...leaving Abigail to fend for herself on the big, mean old couch!"]
[/caption]
[caption id="attachment_1367" align="aligncenter" width="238" caption="In attempt number two, it was Abby who prevented nice photos. I bribed Elijah with a candy cane, which kept him pretty happy for a good long spell, but Abigail decided she'd rather eat her dress..."]
[/caption]
[caption id="attachment_1368" align="aligncenter" width="199" caption="...until her dress started eating her..."]
[/caption]
[caption id="attachment_1370" align="aligncenter" width="199" caption="...at which point it became necessary to rescue Abigail from herself, and keep the peace."]
[/caption]
Sometimes taking photos of my kids is so frustrating that I go through spurts where I have absolutely NO desire to pick up the camera, because each time I do, I'm met with disappointment, and things never turn out how I want them to. It's disheartening, having a toddler who downright refuses to look at the camera save for quick glances (as in, glances that are so quick that if I DO have the presence of mind to snap a photo, it turns out blurry from him looking away so fast) or who has to be so close to the camera that it can't focus. As a result, I'm coming out with more photos of Abigail than Elijah these days, because she doesn't have much of a say in how mobile she is. And so, I have these two photos of her from the last week that I absolutely love:
[caption id="attachment_1372" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Proof that she didn't mind my attempt at a photo shoot TOO much..."]
[/caption]
[caption id="attachment_1366" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Completely natural lighting, with the exposure turned up to +1 1/3. I'm just learning where to focus the spot focus these days, and wish I had have focused on her eyes rather than her nose, even if her eyes ARE closed. I didn't think it'd make such a difference with her eyelashed blurry, but oh well. Now I know."]
[/caption]
Anyway, I know not too many people are interested in my photography attempts of my two kids, and that I just might actually BE that annoying person who shows off her kids to all who will listen. I hope that's not the case entirely, but (as is my usual fallback...) this is my blog, and I treat it like my journal. I want to document these photos and my life with these two little ones, so I document it. I generally only password-protect posts that are too personal for me to air out before all and sundry (because I really don't want the feelings talked about in those posts to be open for debate or discussion...) but otherwise, I post it publicly (and I am horrified that I just spelled publicly with a 'ck' instead of just a 'c'. What was I thinking?!)
Anyway, not too much is new around here. I'm trying to arrange for all the young moms in my ward to get together a couple times a month so that we can see each other outside of church, and let our kids play together, but I'm kind of nervous about it. I'd love to just join a local mom's group but I don't know how to go about finding one, and so I'm kind of starting one myself, but I don't particularly like the idea of being the one to run it all. I feel uncomfortable when people look to me for decisions and direction, because I'm a rather indecisive person, and in times past, when I need to make a decision on the spot, I often make the wrong one (having not thought through it well enough,) and need to change my decision and then I inconvenience people just because I need to correct it all. It's annoying! It's why I'm so bad with confrontations...I just have a hard time thinking straight when I'm put on the spot.
The other I discovered this blog, and I am in love. Andie's story is so inspiring, especially lately as I've been struggling with body image and losing weight, and her recipes look so yummy! I can't recommend reading her inspirational story enough. I'll be honest, I'm still trying to figure out how she eats all the food in her recipe section and manages to stay at 135 lb's. I think it must have to do with portion control, and I'm trying to keep that in mind as I eat throughout the day. For example, I realized too late that I had served myself up a rather large amount of lentil soup for lunch, so I decided to pass on the toast to go with it. Go me!
Aaaaaand that's pretty much it these days. Christmas is upon us, and I'm feeling a little stressed about gifts. I'm done shopping for Matthew, Elijah, and my niece Terrah, and I have Mom's birthday gift too, but I still have another seven or so gifts to make/buy. I'm sure it'll come together just fine, but I want to be really behind a Christmas gift, to feel like it's a great gift and not just something I pulled out of my hat. You know the feeling, I'm sure. It's how I feel when I think about Elijah's train table. I just KNOW he'll love it.
Anyway, I'm going to finish this up. I promised to make brownies for dessert today (for Matt's family...I wouldn't make it for just the two of us these days! I'm glad for a reason to make them, though, and that I won't have to worry about bringing home leftovers, which I would eat single-handedly.
So off to baking I go!
WRONG!
How I ever thought I'd be able to keep an active and defiant little toddler in place long enough to pose an unposable baby is beyond me. Elijah is NEVER in the same space as Abigail unless it's to give her a kiss (or a bite, depending on his mood,) to whack her with something like a Rock Band drumstick, or to flail around wildly on the couch, and kick in her general direction. I should really just quit trying to get them nicely in the same frame while my sanity is still intact.
At the very least, though, the end result of my attempts is an amusing set of photos that I'm pretty sure I'll cherish 5, 10, 20 years down the road!
[caption id="attachment_1363" align="aligncenter" width="226" caption="First I gave Elijah his soother and a cookie (because who misbehaves when they have a cookie?!)"]
[/caption][caption id="attachment_1364" align="aligncenter" width="209" caption="Then I positioned Abby in an upright position."]
[/caption][caption id="attachment_1369" align="aligncenter" width="199" caption="Then I tried putting Elijah on the couch and realized that he would only stay put if I gave him fruit snacks (the cookie having long since lost its appeal)"]
[/caption][caption id="attachment_1365" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="But far too quickly for my liking, Elijah was done his fruit snacks and away he went..."]
[/caption][caption id="attachment_1371" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="...leaving Abigail to fend for herself on the big, mean old couch!"]
[/caption][caption id="attachment_1367" align="aligncenter" width="238" caption="In attempt number two, it was Abby who prevented nice photos. I bribed Elijah with a candy cane, which kept him pretty happy for a good long spell, but Abigail decided she'd rather eat her dress..."]
[/caption][caption id="attachment_1368" align="aligncenter" width="199" caption="...until her dress started eating her..."]
[/caption][caption id="attachment_1370" align="aligncenter" width="199" caption="...at which point it became necessary to rescue Abigail from herself, and keep the peace."]
[/caption]Sometimes taking photos of my kids is so frustrating that I go through spurts where I have absolutely NO desire to pick up the camera, because each time I do, I'm met with disappointment, and things never turn out how I want them to. It's disheartening, having a toddler who downright refuses to look at the camera save for quick glances (as in, glances that are so quick that if I DO have the presence of mind to snap a photo, it turns out blurry from him looking away so fast) or who has to be so close to the camera that it can't focus. As a result, I'm coming out with more photos of Abigail than Elijah these days, because she doesn't have much of a say in how mobile she is. And so, I have these two photos of her from the last week that I absolutely love:
[caption id="attachment_1372" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Proof that she didn't mind my attempt at a photo shoot TOO much..."]
[/caption][caption id="attachment_1366" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Completely natural lighting, with the exposure turned up to +1 1/3. I'm just learning where to focus the spot focus these days, and wish I had have focused on her eyes rather than her nose, even if her eyes ARE closed. I didn't think it'd make such a difference with her eyelashed blurry, but oh well. Now I know."]
[/caption]Anyway, I know not too many people are interested in my photography attempts of my two kids, and that I just might actually BE that annoying person who shows off her kids to all who will listen. I hope that's not the case entirely, but (as is my usual fallback...) this is my blog, and I treat it like my journal. I want to document these photos and my life with these two little ones, so I document it. I generally only password-protect posts that are too personal for me to air out before all and sundry (because I really don't want the feelings talked about in those posts to be open for debate or discussion...) but otherwise, I post it publicly (and I am horrified that I just spelled publicly with a 'ck' instead of just a 'c'. What was I thinking?!)
Anyway, not too much is new around here. I'm trying to arrange for all the young moms in my ward to get together a couple times a month so that we can see each other outside of church, and let our kids play together, but I'm kind of nervous about it. I'd love to just join a local mom's group but I don't know how to go about finding one, and so I'm kind of starting one myself, but I don't particularly like the idea of being the one to run it all. I feel uncomfortable when people look to me for decisions and direction, because I'm a rather indecisive person, and in times past, when I need to make a decision on the spot, I often make the wrong one (having not thought through it well enough,) and need to change my decision and then I inconvenience people just because I need to correct it all. It's annoying! It's why I'm so bad with confrontations...I just have a hard time thinking straight when I'm put on the spot.
The other I discovered this blog, and I am in love. Andie's story is so inspiring, especially lately as I've been struggling with body image and losing weight, and her recipes look so yummy! I can't recommend reading her inspirational story enough. I'll be honest, I'm still trying to figure out how she eats all the food in her recipe section and manages to stay at 135 lb's. I think it must have to do with portion control, and I'm trying to keep that in mind as I eat throughout the day. For example, I realized too late that I had served myself up a rather large amount of lentil soup for lunch, so I decided to pass on the toast to go with it. Go me!
Aaaaaand that's pretty much it these days. Christmas is upon us, and I'm feeling a little stressed about gifts. I'm done shopping for Matthew, Elijah, and my niece Terrah, and I have Mom's birthday gift too, but I still have another seven or so gifts to make/buy. I'm sure it'll come together just fine, but I want to be really behind a Christmas gift, to feel like it's a great gift and not just something I pulled out of my hat. You know the feeling, I'm sure. It's how I feel when I think about Elijah's train table. I just KNOW he'll love it.
Anyway, I'm going to finish this up. I promised to make brownies for dessert today (for Matt's family...I wouldn't make it for just the two of us these days! I'm glad for a reason to make them, though, and that I won't have to worry about bringing home leftovers, which I would eat single-handedly.
So off to baking I go!
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
NaBloPoMo wrap-up
Well, obviously I failed the Nablopomo challenge of posting every day for the month of November, but I don't feel too badly about it. It did get me to blog more often, which is...good? I think? I don't NEED to blog, I do it because I like to, and because I want to document my life with Matthew, Elijah and Abigail somehow. So I figure that, at least for the blog posts in November, Nablopomo made a difference, and a little more of my life has been documented.
It's almost been a week since we posted. Here is how exciting my weeks are these days:
- Elijah got in for speech therapy, after a 4.5 month wait. That's not too shabby, and I feel good about the fact that he's getting in before he turns 2. To date, he can say "no" (we're pretty sure...) makes the "vroom" sound, signs "more" and "where," points at things he wants, and imitates us making the "hmm" or "mmm" sound, when he's in the mood. It's not much, considering how he was supposed to have 20 spoken words by 18 months, and he's now 22 months, but I'm trying to take it one day at a time, and focus on what he CAN do versus what he can't.
-I bought a Cricut, and I am in love. Matt is not sold on it, and it took some bargaining (eg - "What if I made ALL the Christmas gifts on it? What if I don't buy anything for myself for a month? Chocolate included?") but I'm pretty darn excited. Here is the project I'm working on right now. I'm making one for myself, one for my SIL and one for my friend Farrah. (just as a little explanation, as Latter-day Saints we're counseled to hold Family Home Evenings once a week with our families, which generally consist of a gospel lesson, song, prayer and some activity that the family does together. This board is designed to keep track of who is doing what each week.) Now, can someone PLEASE tell me what on earth I'm going to make for my two BIL's for Christmas? Because I seriously didn't think this one through too far, and realized that really only their wives would be interested in home decor.
-I spotted a little over the weekend, but seriously, it was pinpricks of blood on toilet paper. I had stopped bleeding abruptly 2 days before, so I know it was probably left-over (albeit bright red...) but I have to admit that there is an insane part of me that thinks it's implantation bleeding. Even though I've never been a spotter, and implantation bleeding is rather uncommon. It's silly, that I should even think that it's a possibility. I know it IS a possibility (protection? What's that?) and that it would make sense, timing-wise, but really. There was the insane part of me that thought (thinks...) that it was implantation bleeding, but there's also the sane part of me, that coolly says to myself, "Self, don't be ridiculous. You had a LPD while nursing Elijah, and didn't get pregnant until he wasn't nursing at night, AND you'd been on B6 for months. You're fine. It's not even possible, let alone probable." And then I feel...better? Who knows. The insane part of me thinks it'd be exciting, and the sane part of me knows it's not the timing that we want, and that it'd be really unwise to have another baby while living in this teeny tiny apartment, and that we don't have the money for a house right now.
So, there you have it. The musings of a post-IF'er, 7 weeks PP, with side of wishful-thinking, and a sizable dash of rational wondering. And for the record, no, I'm NOT going to test. Because I figure that in all events, time will tell, and I just don't want to wander that far down this road. Mostly I'm writing it out so that it's out of me, and I can stop wondering and put it behind me, ya know?
-it's snowing. First time this season (that I've seen, anyway) and I feel like it's a little gift to me. I always feel like that, with the first snow of the season. And with snow, comes Christmas! We set up our (teeny tiny) tree on Saturday, as well as a small few other Christmas ornaments. We've maximized our use of space in the apartment to make it work, but as a result, we don't have much room for decorations. The little tree is on our table, and I have a couple shelves with my Willowtree nativity and a little Christmas village on them. Beyond that? A nightlight in the bathroom, a snowflake in the window, and some "Believe" blocks on a windowsill that Elijah can't reach. It's not much, but I'm glad it's SOMEthing. I'm really missing decorating our house this Christmas season.
-I got my 2011 Christmas ornaments in the mail yesterday. I order them from PersonalizedFree.com, because I like the quality, and the price is affordable. It makes me so happy, seeing them on our little tree, and seeing our names written out, like somehow it validates us, and makes us a real family. I already knew we were one, but there is something complete about it that makes my heart feel full.
-I am SO EXCITED for Christmas! Well, mostly for Christmas morning with Elijah. Matthew and I decided to buy him a train table for Christmas, so I picked it up on Friday when Toys'R'Us was having their sale. I got it for $150, which is not a bad price, considering how it comes with all of the track and a few buildings. I already have a ton of trains for Elijah, and I can't wait for him to come out of his room on Christmas morning and see the train table all set up. I know full well that he's not even 2 yet, and that I could be completely disappointed by a lack of immediate enthusiasm, especially if he has a bad night and wakes up grumpy, as sometimes happens, but I really do think he'll be excited and want to play with it immediately. I love gift-giving so much, and I'm just starting to learn how fun it is to watch your kids open their gifts. On that note, I don't think I'm going to get Abigail anything. Or, maybe I'll get her one thing to "open" just so that I don't feel like I'm shafting her, but really, she'll be 2.5 months old. She has no clue what's going on. She doesn't even know she has hands yet! So I think I'll get her a girly toy that I'll want her to have some day, like a Cabbage Patch Kids doll or something, and that's it. Because she doesn't need anything right now, not even clothes.
-I made dinner last night, AND I'm making it tonight. This whole making dinner twice a week at least thing is huge for me, and I'm pretty proud of myself. Yes, I realize how ridiculous that sounds to someone who is accustomed to making dinner all the time, but, much as I want to be the quaint little wifey who has dinner on the table at 5pm, while the house is glittering with cleanliness and the kids' homework is done, that just isn't me. I figure that's okay, but I also know that we can't have our kids growing up with dinner being at random hours depending on how long it takes daddy to cook dinner when he gets home from work at 5:15. We all need more stability than that, but I tend to balk at things that have to be done versus something that I actually want to do. So, when it comes to dinners, I like to give myself a pat on the back, because I really HATE cooking, and yet I'm doing it anyway. And THAT'S really what is huge about it all. An act of self-discipline, from the least self-disciplined person on the planet. Huzzah!
That's pretty much all I've got for today. I tried taking some pictures of our dinky little tree, but they didn't really turn out how I'd hoped, sooooo no pictures for this post.
As for what December holds in terms of posting, I think I'm not going to post every day, because when I don't have much to say, I tend to ramble about boring things, and we could all use a little less boring in our lives, I figure. ;)
It's almost been a week since we posted. Here is how exciting my weeks are these days:
- Elijah got in for speech therapy, after a 4.5 month wait. That's not too shabby, and I feel good about the fact that he's getting in before he turns 2. To date, he can say "no" (we're pretty sure...) makes the "vroom" sound, signs "more" and "where," points at things he wants, and imitates us making the "hmm" or "mmm" sound, when he's in the mood. It's not much, considering how he was supposed to have 20 spoken words by 18 months, and he's now 22 months, but I'm trying to take it one day at a time, and focus on what he CAN do versus what he can't.
-I bought a Cricut, and I am in love. Matt is not sold on it, and it took some bargaining (eg - "What if I made ALL the Christmas gifts on it? What if I don't buy anything for myself for a month? Chocolate included?") but I'm pretty darn excited. Here is the project I'm working on right now. I'm making one for myself, one for my SIL and one for my friend Farrah. (just as a little explanation, as Latter-day Saints we're counseled to hold Family Home Evenings once a week with our families, which generally consist of a gospel lesson, song, prayer and some activity that the family does together. This board is designed to keep track of who is doing what each week.) Now, can someone PLEASE tell me what on earth I'm going to make for my two BIL's for Christmas? Because I seriously didn't think this one through too far, and realized that really only their wives would be interested in home decor.
-I spotted a little over the weekend, but seriously, it was pinpricks of blood on toilet paper. I had stopped bleeding abruptly 2 days before, so I know it was probably left-over (albeit bright red...) but I have to admit that there is an insane part of me that thinks it's implantation bleeding. Even though I've never been a spotter, and implantation bleeding is rather uncommon. It's silly, that I should even think that it's a possibility. I know it IS a possibility (protection? What's that?) and that it would make sense, timing-wise, but really. There was the insane part of me that thought (thinks...) that it was implantation bleeding, but there's also the sane part of me, that coolly says to myself, "Self, don't be ridiculous. You had a LPD while nursing Elijah, and didn't get pregnant until he wasn't nursing at night, AND you'd been on B6 for months. You're fine. It's not even possible, let alone probable." And then I feel...better? Who knows. The insane part of me thinks it'd be exciting, and the sane part of me knows it's not the timing that we want, and that it'd be really unwise to have another baby while living in this teeny tiny apartment, and that we don't have the money for a house right now.
So, there you have it. The musings of a post-IF'er, 7 weeks PP, with side of wishful-thinking, and a sizable dash of rational wondering. And for the record, no, I'm NOT going to test. Because I figure that in all events, time will tell, and I just don't want to wander that far down this road. Mostly I'm writing it out so that it's out of me, and I can stop wondering and put it behind me, ya know?
-it's snowing. First time this season (that I've seen, anyway) and I feel like it's a little gift to me. I always feel like that, with the first snow of the season. And with snow, comes Christmas! We set up our (teeny tiny) tree on Saturday, as well as a small few other Christmas ornaments. We've maximized our use of space in the apartment to make it work, but as a result, we don't have much room for decorations. The little tree is on our table, and I have a couple shelves with my Willowtree nativity and a little Christmas village on them. Beyond that? A nightlight in the bathroom, a snowflake in the window, and some "Believe" blocks on a windowsill that Elijah can't reach. It's not much, but I'm glad it's SOMEthing. I'm really missing decorating our house this Christmas season.
-I got my 2011 Christmas ornaments in the mail yesterday. I order them from PersonalizedFree.com, because I like the quality, and the price is affordable. It makes me so happy, seeing them on our little tree, and seeing our names written out, like somehow it validates us, and makes us a real family. I already knew we were one, but there is something complete about it that makes my heart feel full.
-I am SO EXCITED for Christmas! Well, mostly for Christmas morning with Elijah. Matthew and I decided to buy him a train table for Christmas, so I picked it up on Friday when Toys'R'Us was having their sale. I got it for $150, which is not a bad price, considering how it comes with all of the track and a few buildings. I already have a ton of trains for Elijah, and I can't wait for him to come out of his room on Christmas morning and see the train table all set up. I know full well that he's not even 2 yet, and that I could be completely disappointed by a lack of immediate enthusiasm, especially if he has a bad night and wakes up grumpy, as sometimes happens, but I really do think he'll be excited and want to play with it immediately. I love gift-giving so much, and I'm just starting to learn how fun it is to watch your kids open their gifts. On that note, I don't think I'm going to get Abigail anything. Or, maybe I'll get her one thing to "open" just so that I don't feel like I'm shafting her, but really, she'll be 2.5 months old. She has no clue what's going on. She doesn't even know she has hands yet! So I think I'll get her a girly toy that I'll want her to have some day, like a Cabbage Patch Kids doll or something, and that's it. Because she doesn't need anything right now, not even clothes.
-I made dinner last night, AND I'm making it tonight. This whole making dinner twice a week at least thing is huge for me, and I'm pretty proud of myself. Yes, I realize how ridiculous that sounds to someone who is accustomed to making dinner all the time, but, much as I want to be the quaint little wifey who has dinner on the table at 5pm, while the house is glittering with cleanliness and the kids' homework is done, that just isn't me. I figure that's okay, but I also know that we can't have our kids growing up with dinner being at random hours depending on how long it takes daddy to cook dinner when he gets home from work at 5:15. We all need more stability than that, but I tend to balk at things that have to be done versus something that I actually want to do. So, when it comes to dinners, I like to give myself a pat on the back, because I really HATE cooking, and yet I'm doing it anyway. And THAT'S really what is huge about it all. An act of self-discipline, from the least self-disciplined person on the planet. Huzzah!
That's pretty much all I've got for today. I tried taking some pictures of our dinky little tree, but they didn't really turn out how I'd hoped, sooooo no pictures for this post.
As for what December holds in terms of posting, I think I'm not going to post every day, because when I don't have much to say, I tend to ramble about boring things, and we could all use a little less boring in our lives, I figure. ;)
Thursday, November 24, 2011
Thankful Thursday...
...because even though it's not Canadian Thanksgiving, I have so much to be thankful for today!
- Abigail slept during the day today. Saying that does NOTHING to convey how amazing this is! I finally gave in and tried swaddling her and putting her down in her bassinet for a nap, and she slept for 2 HOURS. I crocheted and played hard with Elijah, and feel like a new woman. Then (yes, it gets better!) when Elijah went down for his nap, she slept for another 1.5 hours!
- today I would officially classify my PP bleeding as spotting...FINALLY! I am so sick of wearing pads, but my bleeding keeps tapering off and then picking back up. Yesterday was pretty much spotting, but today definitely is. At 6 weeks 5 days post-partum. I'm thinking of throwing a party, I'm so happy!
- I'm wearing my third pair of pants today. I'm not exactly thankful that I got pooped on by Elijah, or puked all over by Abigail, but I'm thankful for them, and it's kind of funny when you think about it. Oh, and may I just say, I need to NOT sit there and enjoy a random smile from Abigail when she's nursing? Because it always means she's about to puke, and I always forget that and just sit there enjoying the smile until she projectile vomits down my clothes. But seriously, it's the cutest smile that it makes me forget all else! And for THAT I am thankful. Not the puke so much, but the smile before it.
- today is one month until we celebrate Christmas. Enough said.
(and I meant to add more, but didn't, so I'm dating this post with yesterday's date. I might have more to add by tonight (Friday the 25th) but I'm not sure, as I'm going to the temple tonight with Matt, so I might be sleepy by the time we get home. :D
- Abigail slept during the day today. Saying that does NOTHING to convey how amazing this is! I finally gave in and tried swaddling her and putting her down in her bassinet for a nap, and she slept for 2 HOURS. I crocheted and played hard with Elijah, and feel like a new woman. Then (yes, it gets better!) when Elijah went down for his nap, she slept for another 1.5 hours!
- today I would officially classify my PP bleeding as spotting...FINALLY! I am so sick of wearing pads, but my bleeding keeps tapering off and then picking back up. Yesterday was pretty much spotting, but today definitely is. At 6 weeks 5 days post-partum. I'm thinking of throwing a party, I'm so happy!
- I'm wearing my third pair of pants today. I'm not exactly thankful that I got pooped on by Elijah, or puked all over by Abigail, but I'm thankful for them, and it's kind of funny when you think about it. Oh, and may I just say, I need to NOT sit there and enjoy a random smile from Abigail when she's nursing? Because it always means she's about to puke, and I always forget that and just sit there enjoying the smile until she projectile vomits down my clothes. But seriously, it's the cutest smile that it makes me forget all else! And for THAT I am thankful. Not the puke so much, but the smile before it.
- today is one month until we celebrate Christmas. Enough said.
(and I meant to add more, but didn't, so I'm dating this post with yesterday's date. I might have more to add by tonight (Friday the 25th) but I'm not sure, as I'm going to the temple tonight with Matt, so I might be sleepy by the time we get home. :D
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
6.5 Week MW Appointment
Well, Abigail is officially discharged from the midwives. With Elijah, it felt pretty bittersweet at this point, mostly because I felt like I was barely getting my feet on the ground, and all of a sudden my constant source of support and help for the last 9 months disappeared. With Abigail, though, I feel like I stopped needing the midwives sooner, and that even though she was discharged today, we actually stopped needing them after our last appointment 3 weeks ago.
Yesterday I drove past my the MW's building, and it conjured up feelings of nostalgia, like, "Huh, I used to go there! Those were fun and exciting times..." and then I was like, "Wait a minute. I'm still a patient of theirs. I haven't been discharged yet, and I am still under their care! Why am I feeling all the nostalgia???" It was strange, to feel so detached and beyond that time of my life. I think it's a good thing, that I've moved beyond the pregnancy aspect of having Abigail, and that we're so well settled, having her in our lives.
Now, I realize that saying that without any other caveats makes it seem like we've got it all together, so I'll tell you now, we DO NOT! My biggest problem is that Abigail needs to be held all the time, it seems. You know how newborns are supposed to sleep a lot? Well, she took a 45 minute nap and a 20 minute nap while NOT being held today, and otherwise she caught 10 minutes here and 5 minutes there while being held, or traveling in the car. So she gets so little sleep during the day, and my shoulders are kind of burning, from cradling her in the crook of my arms. Tonight at crocheting (women from my ward get together to crochet...cheesy, I know, but I love it...) I got a little upset and frustrated. I felt so guilty, but Abigail was crying and I just did not want to hold her anymore, and had felt like I'd spent all day holding her. I picked her up anyway, and sure enough, she fell asleep a minute after I picked her up, but thankfully there were a couple other ladies there tonight who like to hold babies and wanted to help out. It saved me the trouble of thinking, "Why did I bother coming?"
I know that sounds entirely ungrateful, but I've stopped deluding myself into thinking that experiencing infertility makes you think hard parenting things are easy because you just love them so much (insert sigh here.) It's simply not true! It's hard to not get anything done, and have your toddler get jealous because you are ALWAYS holding the baby, and not able to play with him much. I DO love my daughter so much (so very VERY much!) but that doesn't mean I want to be her pillow and bassinet for every waking moment.
And speak of the devil...I'm going to have to finish this post one-handed it seems...haha!
So there, we don't have that down yet, and I'm also struggling big time with Elijah's new defiant phase. I try to do time outs, but he cries like I've wounded his soul. It breaks my heart, because there are real tears there, and all he wants afterwards is to hug and snuggle, which makes me think I'm doing something wrong, for him to get so incredibly sad. Anger, I can handle, and was even expecting, but TEARS? Seriously? But what am I supposed to do when he smacks Abigail's stomach so hard that she cries?
Anyway, on to the appointment! Abigail is up to 11lb 10oz and just about 24" long. She's a big girl. I tried finding percentile calculators, but couldn't find one that did it by weeks rather than months. Oh well.
I'm doing well as well, and am cleared to do pretty much everything, which is nice. We've had some nice weather lately and I've been wanting to go jogging before it turns too cold, so hopefully I'll be able to get out a few times before then.
It was fun talking to the MW I saw today. It was Kl, who delivered Elijah, and it was the first time I'd seen her since delivering Abigail. I thoroughly enjoyed talking about Abigail's birth story with her, she made a good audience, and could remember the particulars of Elijah's birth, so she could compare the two in her mind and be thoroughly shocked at all the right places. I love that seeing the MW's is so personal, and that they remember me and things about me so well. Also, I saw Kr briefly when I got there, and I realized that I genuinely love that woman. She is so wonderful and nice, and I feel an immense amount of gratitude for her and how she handle Abigail's delivery. I am so grateful for such great health care providers. Sometimes in Canada it's hard to find one that works for you, as there is a major doctor shortage, and you don't have the luxury of shopping around, you pretty much just go with the family doctor that is accepting patients, and count your lucky stars if you have one that lives within an hour or you. No joke! I feel so blessed to have such great MW's who happen to live in my geographical area. It is seriously one of the things that would keep me from moving away before I'm done having kids.
Anyway, I'm going to finish this up and head to bed.
Yesterday I drove past my the MW's building, and it conjured up feelings of nostalgia, like, "Huh, I used to go there! Those were fun and exciting times..." and then I was like, "Wait a minute. I'm still a patient of theirs. I haven't been discharged yet, and I am still under their care! Why am I feeling all the nostalgia???" It was strange, to feel so detached and beyond that time of my life. I think it's a good thing, that I've moved beyond the pregnancy aspect of having Abigail, and that we're so well settled, having her in our lives.
Now, I realize that saying that without any other caveats makes it seem like we've got it all together, so I'll tell you now, we DO NOT! My biggest problem is that Abigail needs to be held all the time, it seems. You know how newborns are supposed to sleep a lot? Well, she took a 45 minute nap and a 20 minute nap while NOT being held today, and otherwise she caught 10 minutes here and 5 minutes there while being held, or traveling in the car. So she gets so little sleep during the day, and my shoulders are kind of burning, from cradling her in the crook of my arms. Tonight at crocheting (women from my ward get together to crochet...cheesy, I know, but I love it...) I got a little upset and frustrated. I felt so guilty, but Abigail was crying and I just did not want to hold her anymore, and had felt like I'd spent all day holding her. I picked her up anyway, and sure enough, she fell asleep a minute after I picked her up, but thankfully there were a couple other ladies there tonight who like to hold babies and wanted to help out. It saved me the trouble of thinking, "Why did I bother coming?"
I know that sounds entirely ungrateful, but I've stopped deluding myself into thinking that experiencing infertility makes you think hard parenting things are easy because you just love them so much (insert sigh here.) It's simply not true! It's hard to not get anything done, and have your toddler get jealous because you are ALWAYS holding the baby, and not able to play with him much. I DO love my daughter so much (so very VERY much!) but that doesn't mean I want to be her pillow and bassinet for every waking moment.
And speak of the devil...I'm going to have to finish this post one-handed it seems...haha!
So there, we don't have that down yet, and I'm also struggling big time with Elijah's new defiant phase. I try to do time outs, but he cries like I've wounded his soul. It breaks my heart, because there are real tears there, and all he wants afterwards is to hug and snuggle, which makes me think I'm doing something wrong, for him to get so incredibly sad. Anger, I can handle, and was even expecting, but TEARS? Seriously? But what am I supposed to do when he smacks Abigail's stomach so hard that she cries?
Anyway, on to the appointment! Abigail is up to 11lb 10oz and just about 24" long. She's a big girl. I tried finding percentile calculators, but couldn't find one that did it by weeks rather than months. Oh well.
I'm doing well as well, and am cleared to do pretty much everything, which is nice. We've had some nice weather lately and I've been wanting to go jogging before it turns too cold, so hopefully I'll be able to get out a few times before then.
It was fun talking to the MW I saw today. It was Kl, who delivered Elijah, and it was the first time I'd seen her since delivering Abigail. I thoroughly enjoyed talking about Abigail's birth story with her, she made a good audience, and could remember the particulars of Elijah's birth, so she could compare the two in her mind and be thoroughly shocked at all the right places. I love that seeing the MW's is so personal, and that they remember me and things about me so well. Also, I saw Kr briefly when I got there, and I realized that I genuinely love that woman. She is so wonderful and nice, and I feel an immense amount of gratitude for her and how she handle Abigail's delivery. I am so grateful for such great health care providers. Sometimes in Canada it's hard to find one that works for you, as there is a major doctor shortage, and you don't have the luxury of shopping around, you pretty much just go with the family doctor that is accepting patients, and count your lucky stars if you have one that lives within an hour or you. No joke! I feel so blessed to have such great MW's who happen to live in my geographical area. It is seriously one of the things that would keep me from moving away before I'm done having kids.
Anyway, I'm going to finish this up and head to bed.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Counsel from Stake Conference
In bullet points:
- From Matthew - We need to study the scriptures every day at 6:30am, and attend the temple together, despite having a newborn.
- Also from Matthew - story of how (mission president? temple president?) man's grandson died at age 6, mother (man's daughter) felt so much guilt and went into a deep depression, bitter time for family. One day, years later, she was in the celestial room, and prayed to Heavenly Father, that He would remove the burden from her. The response she received was, "Why did you not ask me sooner?" and from that day the burden was removed. (when Matthew told me this story, I cried. I felt like I could relate on some level, because of the amount of guilt I feel, for Elijah being behind on his speech. Part of me knows it's not my fault, but part of me still feels so filled with guilt. I need to ponder this further.)
- From Elder L. Whitney Clayton's talk - (prompting I received) I need to memorize the words to I'm Trying to Be Like Jesus and recite them or sing them in my mind whenever I'm tempted to be contentious. I need to overcome this contention, and have the spirit in my heart and home. It's essential for our family, and I need to focus on this trial/weakness.
- When Elder Clayton was giving his talk, he asked a few Primary kids and music leaders to come up and help him recite and sing I'm Trying to Be Like Jesus and If the Savior Stood Beside Me, and the choir members on the pulpit began singing along. It's hard to describe the feeling that overcame me, and the spirit that I felt, just feeling the sincerity and beauty of it. I was choking up and trying not to cry, I felt it so deeply.
- During Elder Clayton's talk - he mentioned a couple people he had met/noticed, and how hard they were trying to live the Gospel and raise their families in the way of righteousness. My mind then thought of how Mom had met him, and how great she is, and what he thought of her. It was a silly thought, but I then thought, "I wonder if he knows that she has a daughter-in-law who is trying hard, and what he'd think of me and my efforts if he knew me..." and I felt the Spirit say to me that if he knew me, he would commend me as he had the others, and that I would have his approval. It's hard to describe, because it was more feelings I had rather than words I thought or heard, but it made me feel good, and I knew it was true.
- As the choir was singing the closing song, I had the strongest impression of the conference, I think. I don't even remember my train of thought, but I felt a little choked up, and felt that I'm not going far, but that I'm trying so hard. At almost the same time that I thought that thought, I felt the Spirit say to me that Heavenly Father knows how hard I am trying, that he knows what I'm experiencing and struggling with, and that he doesn't necessarily want me to change overnight. All He wants is for me to try just a little harder. Give just a little bit more than I have been; that's all He's asking of me right now. It took a fair bit of effort to not start crying right in the meeting, and I decided to sit on the experience and ponder it more once I had some quiet time.
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