EVERYTHING'S OKAY!!
Sorry, I had to 'shout' that because it just feels so good to know, to have some definite, this-is-what-your-baby-looks-like, answers.
I'm measuring right on track with where I thought I was, so 8w0d. Baby (who is NOT ectopic) has a heartbeat of 162bpm. I didn't get a photo, and because they ended up doing a vaginal u/s, I didn't get to hear the hb either, but I DID get to see it which I never did with Elijah. That little flicker completely made my day.
Wow, this is really happening, isn't it?
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Survivor's Guilt
I've been a little M.I.A. lately, but not without good reason! We moved on Friday, and every day since last Thursday has been a little nuts. Last minute packing, moving, helping Elijah adjust, taking care of Elijah, UNpacking, cleaning, and grocery-shopping have pretty much consumed all of my time. We're in a significantly smaller space than before, and that's taking some getting used to as well.
Another reason I haven't written anything over the last week is that I just haven't wanted to. I have a ton of things I could say, but a lot of them I am hesitant to vocalize, mostly because it makes me emotional. Leaving our house was hard. We spent 5 1/2 years of our 6-year marriage there, and I feel like everything happened there, I guess because it's true! It's where we struggled with IF-related problems. Worked on adoption, found out I was pregnant. It's the only home Elijah has ever had, where he first did everything he knows how to do to date. It's where I found out I was pregnant again, and a big part of me is sad that this new baby won't know that home. It was our intent to move into that house, fill it with kids, and move out in 5-10 years once we'd out-grown it. Well, it's 5.5 years, but we haven't outgrown it. It seems so backwards, so be leaving and moving to a 1-bedroom apartment when our family is finally growing.
I feel sad because of all the things I imagined happening in the house, like how I'd look at a doorway and imagine a 5-year old walk through it to see me, or Christmases with a little brood so excited to open gifts. I don't know, so many things to me.
I'm sad because it's where we lived when we had our pets, Merry and Pippin. I still miss them a lot, and am really sad to leave behind the place where we knew them. Juvenile as it is, I have this terrible, homeward-bound fear that they'll run away from their new homes, make their way back to our house, and find that we're not there anymore. It's ridiculous, I know, but I'm tearing up now just thinking about it, even though it will never happen!
So I've been sitting on all of these feelings and have felt unequal to the task of writing about them until now. I guess I wanted to keep them at bay as long as I could, but maybe that was unwise. Maybe I should have just got my cry over with and been done with it so that I could move on as soon as possible.
Today was my first "normal" day since the move, where Matt had to go to work for the whole day. I would love to say that it was a great day, but in reality it was terrible. I think the whole adjustment thing is kicking in in full force, and I am having a really hard time coping. I feel out-of-place, I don't know where all of Elijah's toys are, I feel like I don't have a place for him to just play and not get into, well, EVERYthing that he's not supposed to. I was feeling all of this, and was super-annoyed that he decided the garbage was interesting, in spite of (or more likely BECAUSE of) my very firm and repeated, "NO." He had to have gone back to it 20 times after me leading him away to something else, and when all else failed I tried a time out, but he didn't get it, and went back for more anyway. So I moved the garbage to the dinette table (EW) and decided it was time for snack. Which Elijah outright refused to eat. He'd flail his arms, bat the spoon away, send his apple sauce flying, and reduce me to tears.
At that point I called Matt at work and told him I couldn't handle it today. My sobbing might have clued him in, or maybe it was the fact that Elijah was acting perfectly NORMAL for him, and I was still losing it, which is not normal. Babies are allowed to be babies, right? But today I couldn't do it, so Matt came home, which made me feel like I was horribly incapable and the world's worst mom ever.
I know I'm being dramatic, I feel considerably better now (despite still feeling some of those feelings.) I'm just trying to set the stage for my "survivor's guilt" schpeel.
See, I have these expectations, and I'm realizing they're not very realistic. Some of them are:
-because I went through infertility, I will always find being a mom the best thing in the world.
-because I wanted and tried to be a mom for so long, I will automatically be a better mom than many people I know (I know, it's judgmental, but it's still how I feel deep down)
-even during the tough days, I will remain focused on what a blessing it is to be a mother, and will be so grateful for even the bad things
I'm sure there are more, but those are the big ones. The fact is, they are all unrealistic (to me at least.)
The truth is that I forget. I completely lose sight of the blessing that it is to have toast slapped onto my keyboard, boogers rubbed into my shirt, and grimy hands to grab at my long hair and catch a knot at a very painful angle. Mostly I appreciate these things, but some days I forget. With infertility, I focused so much of my energy on becoming a mom, and spent very little time learning about (and subsequently, feel very overwhelmed by) actually being a mom. I have no idea what I'm doing, and I feel like I should. I wanted it, didn't I? What did I think "it" was, exactly? Knowing me, I either a) didn't think about it, or b) thought it'd be rosy and beautiful and oh so poetic.
I also feel a lot of pressure to do things the right way, because I've been given this chance to be a mom when others haven't, and I have to get it right. I can't make mistakes, because if I do then I'm letting down every person out there who ever wanted to be a mom and would have done it right if they were in my shoes.
And then, when I have days where I REALLY get it wrong, where I lose my temper, toss out a few swear words, and call Matt in a mess of tears, crying out, "Why doesn't he understand NO?!?!" I feel the guilt. The survivor's guilt. The, "there are millions of people in the world who want to be in my shoes, and I treat this blessing like THIS?!" kind of guilt.
And I can't stand it. I feel like I've messed everything up. And then, oh gosh, THEN I think, "how on earth can I handle two??? Why have I been given this blessing, when others are waiting, and I obviously can't handle the one I've been given?! What is wrong with me? I'm not worthy, blah blah blah..."
So there, that was my day today. The culmination of a very stressful week, the resulting meltdown. I wish I had have known about this guilt and these expectations. I read blogs of people who are so blissfully happy with their babies, so GOOD at being moms, and I think that I must be a bad person. That is, until I call my friend Farrah and confide in her how terrible I was, and then she tells me she gets like that too, and that it's normal.
One upside of my **insane** week is that tomorrow is my ultrasound, and I feel like it came out of nowhere. I'm 8 weeks tomorrow, and I finally will have some closure to everything I experienced before. I'll KNOW. I'm 99% sure (okay, maybe only 85% sure) that everything is fine. That there's a baby in there, in my uterus and not my tubes, and that his/her (I'm leaning towards a 'her') heart is beating away. I might be a few days off on my dates, I might have my duedate pushed back, but it doesn't really matter. I am SO looking forward to tomorrow!
And now, I am ridiculously tired and need some sleep. I'll post tomorrow about the ultrasound, and will hopefully have a photo to add, if I can sweet-talk the sonographer into giving me one again... ;)
Another reason I haven't written anything over the last week is that I just haven't wanted to. I have a ton of things I could say, but a lot of them I am hesitant to vocalize, mostly because it makes me emotional. Leaving our house was hard. We spent 5 1/2 years of our 6-year marriage there, and I feel like everything happened there, I guess because it's true! It's where we struggled with IF-related problems. Worked on adoption, found out I was pregnant. It's the only home Elijah has ever had, where he first did everything he knows how to do to date. It's where I found out I was pregnant again, and a big part of me is sad that this new baby won't know that home. It was our intent to move into that house, fill it with kids, and move out in 5-10 years once we'd out-grown it. Well, it's 5.5 years, but we haven't outgrown it. It seems so backwards, so be leaving and moving to a 1-bedroom apartment when our family is finally growing.
I feel sad because of all the things I imagined happening in the house, like how I'd look at a doorway and imagine a 5-year old walk through it to see me, or Christmases with a little brood so excited to open gifts. I don't know, so many things to me.
I'm sad because it's where we lived when we had our pets, Merry and Pippin. I still miss them a lot, and am really sad to leave behind the place where we knew them. Juvenile as it is, I have this terrible, homeward-bound fear that they'll run away from their new homes, make their way back to our house, and find that we're not there anymore. It's ridiculous, I know, but I'm tearing up now just thinking about it, even though it will never happen!
So I've been sitting on all of these feelings and have felt unequal to the task of writing about them until now. I guess I wanted to keep them at bay as long as I could, but maybe that was unwise. Maybe I should have just got my cry over with and been done with it so that I could move on as soon as possible.
Today was my first "normal" day since the move, where Matt had to go to work for the whole day. I would love to say that it was a great day, but in reality it was terrible. I think the whole adjustment thing is kicking in in full force, and I am having a really hard time coping. I feel out-of-place, I don't know where all of Elijah's toys are, I feel like I don't have a place for him to just play and not get into, well, EVERYthing that he's not supposed to. I was feeling all of this, and was super-annoyed that he decided the garbage was interesting, in spite of (or more likely BECAUSE of) my very firm and repeated, "NO." He had to have gone back to it 20 times after me leading him away to something else, and when all else failed I tried a time out, but he didn't get it, and went back for more anyway. So I moved the garbage to the dinette table (EW) and decided it was time for snack. Which Elijah outright refused to eat. He'd flail his arms, bat the spoon away, send his apple sauce flying, and reduce me to tears.
At that point I called Matt at work and told him I couldn't handle it today. My sobbing might have clued him in, or maybe it was the fact that Elijah was acting perfectly NORMAL for him, and I was still losing it, which is not normal. Babies are allowed to be babies, right? But today I couldn't do it, so Matt came home, which made me feel like I was horribly incapable and the world's worst mom ever.
I know I'm being dramatic, I feel considerably better now (despite still feeling some of those feelings.) I'm just trying to set the stage for my "survivor's guilt" schpeel.
See, I have these expectations, and I'm realizing they're not very realistic. Some of them are:
-because I went through infertility, I will always find being a mom the best thing in the world.
-because I wanted and tried to be a mom for so long, I will automatically be a better mom than many people I know (I know, it's judgmental, but it's still how I feel deep down)
-even during the tough days, I will remain focused on what a blessing it is to be a mother, and will be so grateful for even the bad things
I'm sure there are more, but those are the big ones. The fact is, they are all unrealistic (to me at least.)
The truth is that I forget. I completely lose sight of the blessing that it is to have toast slapped onto my keyboard, boogers rubbed into my shirt, and grimy hands to grab at my long hair and catch a knot at a very painful angle. Mostly I appreciate these things, but some days I forget. With infertility, I focused so much of my energy on becoming a mom, and spent very little time learning about (and subsequently, feel very overwhelmed by) actually being a mom. I have no idea what I'm doing, and I feel like I should. I wanted it, didn't I? What did I think "it" was, exactly? Knowing me, I either a) didn't think about it, or b) thought it'd be rosy and beautiful and oh so poetic.
I also feel a lot of pressure to do things the right way, because I've been given this chance to be a mom when others haven't, and I have to get it right. I can't make mistakes, because if I do then I'm letting down every person out there who ever wanted to be a mom and would have done it right if they were in my shoes.
And then, when I have days where I REALLY get it wrong, where I lose my temper, toss out a few swear words, and call Matt in a mess of tears, crying out, "Why doesn't he understand NO?!?!" I feel the guilt. The survivor's guilt. The, "there are millions of people in the world who want to be in my shoes, and I treat this blessing like THIS?!" kind of guilt.
And I can't stand it. I feel like I've messed everything up. And then, oh gosh, THEN I think, "how on earth can I handle two??? Why have I been given this blessing, when others are waiting, and I obviously can't handle the one I've been given?! What is wrong with me? I'm not worthy, blah blah blah..."
So there, that was my day today. The culmination of a very stressful week, the resulting meltdown. I wish I had have known about this guilt and these expectations. I read blogs of people who are so blissfully happy with their babies, so GOOD at being moms, and I think that I must be a bad person. That is, until I call my friend Farrah and confide in her how terrible I was, and then she tells me she gets like that too, and that it's normal.
One upside of my **insane** week is that tomorrow is my ultrasound, and I feel like it came out of nowhere. I'm 8 weeks tomorrow, and I finally will have some closure to everything I experienced before. I'll KNOW. I'm 99% sure (okay, maybe only 85% sure) that everything is fine. That there's a baby in there, in my uterus and not my tubes, and that his/her (I'm leaning towards a 'her') heart is beating away. I might be a few days off on my dates, I might have my duedate pushed back, but it doesn't really matter. I am SO looking forward to tomorrow!
And now, I am ridiculously tired and need some sleep. I'll post tomorrow about the ultrasound, and will hopefully have a photo to add, if I can sweet-talk the sonographer into giving me one again... ;)
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Who Knew It'd Be So Hard?
The drama continues! One of my midwives called today (I have a team of 3) to say that she just got the report from the ultrasound from a couple weeks ago. She wanted to know if I had seen the report or not, or knew what it said.
I told her I hadn't seen it.
She starts mentioning the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy.
I remind her of what the tech said, that it's too early to tell. Because she was looking for an ectopic, and her results weren't conclusive enough, she couldn't rule it out. She said the gestational sac could just be a cyst, with an ectopic somewhere else.
I also remind my MW that my numbers were great, more than doubling, and then doubling. They wouldn't be so high if they were ectopic.
My MW concurs. Given what the tech told me, my numbers, and the fact that I haven't been cramping or spotting which I surely would be if it was ectopic, all is well. I'm to keep my u/s appointment for next Wednesday and go on my merry way until then. Oh, and don't let her call worry me.
Riiiiiiiight.
Because I hang up the phone, go to Matt, and instantly dissolve in tears. Matt's confused, because obviously everything is fine, but then I explain it all to him.
Why is it that I'M the one reassuring my midwife, when I don't feel at all reassured? I feel like her reassurances are completely empty given that they're based off of what I told her. And my mind starts down the scary path of doubt and fear. AM I too far along to start experiencing ectopic symptoms? COULD my numbers look good and normal with an ectopic? I don't know the answers to these questions, and Dr. Google is no comfort.
As you can see, the struggle for me to relax and have faith is a constant battle. It would be easier, I think, if it weren't for the fact that once I overcome and get over each new problem, allowing myself to get excited and tell just a few more people, some other obstacle is thrown in my path, scaring me and working me up all over again. And I have to go through the process again.
Is my whining getting to be too much? I'm so thankful for this pregnancy, and for the little baby growing inside of me. I keep trying to remind myself that, even if I DO miscarry, I am experiencing this beautiful time of hope and excitement, and that, unless and until things are unwell, they're well. I really REALLY hope it doesn't seem like I'm complaining about a blessing. I'm trying not to. I'm not upset or frustrated about this pregnancy. I'm just so scared it'll be snatched from me, and am trying my hardest to conquer these fears, and would really really appreciate it if the healthcare professionals in my neck of the woods would stop trying to instill me with fear when it's taking every ounce of energy I have to not give in to the fear and depression, curl up into a ball, and sleep the next 6 weeks away. And I'm being totally serious about the sleep thing. I felt so emotionally drained today that I got irritated, snapped at Matt, and went upstairs to sleep my troubles away at 4:30pm. I came downstairs 5 minutes later, realizing fully that it won't help and that he needs my support too (we have a very sick and grouchy Elijah right now!) but it was so tempting.
I need to go back and read the posts I did about the songs that help me in times of trial, and the need to just make it through today. Tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day (incidentally, moving day) can wait. For now, all I have to do is make it through today.
My first (real) u/s is a week tomorrow. I wish I could pull it ahead a week, but even if the midwives could swing it, I'm moving Friday and am up to my eyes in piano movers, packing, laundry, cleaning, and everything else that it'd just be a huge strain to go this week. I know that logically, but still I want it! On the upside, it's a great distraction from the stress.
I have to apologize though, I don't mean to be a downer in all of my posts. I guess I'm feeling stuck. A big part of me feels guilty posting about happy pregnancy things, and I try to, but it feels weird. At least, weirder than when I was pregnant with Elijah and I had a happy, rainbows and butterflies family blog. At the same time, I know it's annoying to only read about woe is me this, and I'm not worthy that. And then, what do I do if I want to post about something not pregnancy related at all???
I never meant for this to become a pregnancy blog, it's just, I found out I'm pregnant less than 4 weeks into starting it, and I don't know how to write about anything else. I feel like the expectation is that I'll write about infertility, but that's not necessarily what my original purpose was. I guess my original purpose was to write about the things I experience in life, like defending all anti-porn movements in my seminar at school yesterday and nearly crying in front of 20 girls who disagree with me (mostly) or about the stress Matt is going through with the business, or about how I really shouldn't have worn black pants on a day when Elijah's nose is running like a faucet and he's feeling snuggly to boot. All these things that make my life what it is! Infertility is a part of it, yes, a part that feels like it should be in the past, but is really still so fore-front with me that I feel guilty about it.
I don't know what I'm getting at with all of this. I guess I want the leeway to write about things happening in my life, even if they're boring to people reading, and even if they're not about being pregnant. I want to be able to revel in Elijah's sweetness without feeling like I'm hurting anyone feelings. I don't say that to be insensitive! I don't WANT to hurt anyone, which is why I rarely mention Elijah, but then, my blog is only 1.5 months old, and I feel like I wanted him and my life to be a part of this all, and he's not. But would it seem like I'm complaining about a blessing to talk about how it's frustrating that he's such a picky eater, or that I'm worried he hasn't said his first word yet? Arg, I don't know!
I'll find a balance somehow. In the meantime, bear with me. I'm still figuring this thing out. :)
I told her I hadn't seen it.
She starts mentioning the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy.
I remind her of what the tech said, that it's too early to tell. Because she was looking for an ectopic, and her results weren't conclusive enough, she couldn't rule it out. She said the gestational sac could just be a cyst, with an ectopic somewhere else.
I also remind my MW that my numbers were great, more than doubling, and then doubling. They wouldn't be so high if they were ectopic.
My MW concurs. Given what the tech told me, my numbers, and the fact that I haven't been cramping or spotting which I surely would be if it was ectopic, all is well. I'm to keep my u/s appointment for next Wednesday and go on my merry way until then. Oh, and don't let her call worry me.
Riiiiiiiight.
Because I hang up the phone, go to Matt, and instantly dissolve in tears. Matt's confused, because obviously everything is fine, but then I explain it all to him.
Why is it that I'M the one reassuring my midwife, when I don't feel at all reassured? I feel like her reassurances are completely empty given that they're based off of what I told her. And my mind starts down the scary path of doubt and fear. AM I too far along to start experiencing ectopic symptoms? COULD my numbers look good and normal with an ectopic? I don't know the answers to these questions, and Dr. Google is no comfort.
As you can see, the struggle for me to relax and have faith is a constant battle. It would be easier, I think, if it weren't for the fact that once I overcome and get over each new problem, allowing myself to get excited and tell just a few more people, some other obstacle is thrown in my path, scaring me and working me up all over again. And I have to go through the process again.
Is my whining getting to be too much? I'm so thankful for this pregnancy, and for the little baby growing inside of me. I keep trying to remind myself that, even if I DO miscarry, I am experiencing this beautiful time of hope and excitement, and that, unless and until things are unwell, they're well. I really REALLY hope it doesn't seem like I'm complaining about a blessing. I'm trying not to. I'm not upset or frustrated about this pregnancy. I'm just so scared it'll be snatched from me, and am trying my hardest to conquer these fears, and would really really appreciate it if the healthcare professionals in my neck of the woods would stop trying to instill me with fear when it's taking every ounce of energy I have to not give in to the fear and depression, curl up into a ball, and sleep the next 6 weeks away. And I'm being totally serious about the sleep thing. I felt so emotionally drained today that I got irritated, snapped at Matt, and went upstairs to sleep my troubles away at 4:30pm. I came downstairs 5 minutes later, realizing fully that it won't help and that he needs my support too (we have a very sick and grouchy Elijah right now!) but it was so tempting.
I need to go back and read the posts I did about the songs that help me in times of trial, and the need to just make it through today. Tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day (incidentally, moving day) can wait. For now, all I have to do is make it through today.
My first (real) u/s is a week tomorrow. I wish I could pull it ahead a week, but even if the midwives could swing it, I'm moving Friday and am up to my eyes in piano movers, packing, laundry, cleaning, and everything else that it'd just be a huge strain to go this week. I know that logically, but still I want it! On the upside, it's a great distraction from the stress.
I have to apologize though, I don't mean to be a downer in all of my posts. I guess I'm feeling stuck. A big part of me feels guilty posting about happy pregnancy things, and I try to, but it feels weird. At least, weirder than when I was pregnant with Elijah and I had a happy, rainbows and butterflies family blog. At the same time, I know it's annoying to only read about woe is me this, and I'm not worthy that. And then, what do I do if I want to post about something not pregnancy related at all???
I never meant for this to become a pregnancy blog, it's just, I found out I'm pregnant less than 4 weeks into starting it, and I don't know how to write about anything else. I feel like the expectation is that I'll write about infertility, but that's not necessarily what my original purpose was. I guess my original purpose was to write about the things I experience in life, like defending all anti-porn movements in my seminar at school yesterday and nearly crying in front of 20 girls who disagree with me (mostly) or about the stress Matt is going through with the business, or about how I really shouldn't have worn black pants on a day when Elijah's nose is running like a faucet and he's feeling snuggly to boot. All these things that make my life what it is! Infertility is a part of it, yes, a part that feels like it should be in the past, but is really still so fore-front with me that I feel guilty about it.
I don't know what I'm getting at with all of this. I guess I want the leeway to write about things happening in my life, even if they're boring to people reading, and even if they're not about being pregnant. I want to be able to revel in Elijah's sweetness without feeling like I'm hurting anyone feelings. I don't say that to be insensitive! I don't WANT to hurt anyone, which is why I rarely mention Elijah, but then, my blog is only 1.5 months old, and I feel like I wanted him and my life to be a part of this all, and he's not. But would it seem like I'm complaining about a blessing to talk about how it's frustrating that he's such a picky eater, or that I'm worried he hasn't said his first word yet? Arg, I don't know!
I'll find a balance somehow. In the meantime, bear with me. I'm still figuring this thing out. :)
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Dang It
Church was funny today. I mean, sure, funny things happen all the time, but today seemed particularly good.
To start with, the "seniors" in primary always come up with the most interesting things to say. They're 8-12 years old, and have so many questions about the world. I love seeing how they perceive things. For example:
Q - (teacher asks) How do we know the earth is round?
A - Google maps. (duh...lol)
And then the following conversation between a few of them:
A - I wonder when cats began? (lesson for today was the 6 creative periods..)
B - I think it was in Egypt...
C - No, it was in the 80's sometime!
That's right, my friends. Cats are a fashion trend from the 80's. Although C did amend his comment that maybe it was actually during the 1860's sometime, he couldn't be sure...hahaha
Never a dull moment!
And then...oh gosh. My first, "Are you pregnant?" comment since I've actually BEEN pregnant! I had a few of these in the month or so preceeding this pregnancy, but I just laughed them off. Here's how today's went:
Well-meaning, nosy lady - Holly, come here!
(I go over, she puts her arm around me)
WMNL - Is there something you want to tell us???
Me - Nope!
(she looks at my stomach)
WMNL - Are you sure?
Me - Completely! What you're seeing is just left-over!
WMNL - Left-over, right....
Me - I assure you! You're only looking at what's left from Elijah! (not a lie, since, really, I'm 6.5 weeks along. She's just looking at my fat at this point...right?) It's okay, you're not the first person to ask me...
WMNL - Well, we'll be counting the months!!!
Me - You do that!
And I walk away, make it to the hall, and grimace.
I've been feeling like I'm bigger, I know that, but I didn't think I actually LOOKED much bigger. That'd just be ridiculous this early, right???
But then I came home and decided to take a new belly shot, one sucking it in, one not sucking it in. It was perfect because I'm even wearing the same top I was wearing the day we found out and I took my first belly photo (sucking in.)
The result?
Holy moly. And that's sucking in! The difference between 3w6d sucking in, and today (6w4d) relaxing is this:
How is this even possible??? I know second pregnancies show sooner, but 10 weeks sooner?! What I think is really doing it is that, when I was 10 weeks with Elijah I found it easier to relax my stomach and not try to suck it in at all. Sucking it in just became...tiring. And I've been finding lately that that has been the case, only 3-4 weeks earlier than with Elijah. I guess THAT'S not so crazy. And what's exacerbating the "showing" dilemma is the fact that I still have a baby's worth of fat on my stomach that I wasn't trying too hard to get rid of yet.
But still. It looks like we'll be telling a lot (A LOT) sooner than we had planned! I just need to make it through church next Sunday without any comments, and then I think we'll be telling everyone the week after. Because this is ridiculous!! AND I still need to tell my family about it. Arg. I just want to wait for my ultrasound.
Oh! Speaking of which, my first mw appointment ended up being this week, and instead of having it on the 23rd, I'm having my dating u/s at 8 weeks. I'm pretty excited, especially because that's only a week and a half away, so I can definitely manage that.
Okay, I'm done. Sorry for rambling about my stomach. I'm just...in denial I guess. Thanks for bearing with me!
Edit - I just had Matt read my blog post so that he could see the difference for himself. After which he told me he had to lie to someone ELSE today, who had said, "Is Holly expecting? I'd heard some rumors..." Matt said no, but oh my heck. Note to self, empire waist = bad. Next week, my baggiest shirt ever. I've got to make it one more week.
To start with, the "seniors" in primary always come up with the most interesting things to say. They're 8-12 years old, and have so many questions about the world. I love seeing how they perceive things. For example:
Q - (teacher asks) How do we know the earth is round?
A - Google maps. (duh...lol)
And then the following conversation between a few of them:
A - I wonder when cats began? (lesson for today was the 6 creative periods..)
B - I think it was in Egypt...
C - No, it was in the 80's sometime!
That's right, my friends. Cats are a fashion trend from the 80's. Although C did amend his comment that maybe it was actually during the 1860's sometime, he couldn't be sure...hahaha
Never a dull moment!
And then...oh gosh. My first, "Are you pregnant?" comment since I've actually BEEN pregnant! I had a few of these in the month or so preceeding this pregnancy, but I just laughed them off. Here's how today's went:
Well-meaning, nosy lady - Holly, come here!
(I go over, she puts her arm around me)
WMNL - Is there something you want to tell us???
Me - Nope!
(she looks at my stomach)
WMNL - Are you sure?
Me - Completely! What you're seeing is just left-over!
WMNL - Left-over, right....
Me - I assure you! You're only looking at what's left from Elijah! (not a lie, since, really, I'm 6.5 weeks along. She's just looking at my fat at this point...right?) It's okay, you're not the first person to ask me...
WMNL - Well, we'll be counting the months!!!
Me - You do that!
And I walk away, make it to the hall, and grimace.
I've been feeling like I'm bigger, I know that, but I didn't think I actually LOOKED much bigger. That'd just be ridiculous this early, right???
But then I came home and decided to take a new belly shot, one sucking it in, one not sucking it in. It was perfect because I'm even wearing the same top I was wearing the day we found out and I took my first belly photo (sucking in.)
The result?
Holy moly. And that's sucking in! The difference between 3w6d sucking in, and today (6w4d) relaxing is this:
How is this even possible??? I know second pregnancies show sooner, but 10 weeks sooner?! What I think is really doing it is that, when I was 10 weeks with Elijah I found it easier to relax my stomach and not try to suck it in at all. Sucking it in just became...tiring. And I've been finding lately that that has been the case, only 3-4 weeks earlier than with Elijah. I guess THAT'S not so crazy. And what's exacerbating the "showing" dilemma is the fact that I still have a baby's worth of fat on my stomach that I wasn't trying too hard to get rid of yet.
But still. It looks like we'll be telling a lot (A LOT) sooner than we had planned! I just need to make it through church next Sunday without any comments, and then I think we'll be telling everyone the week after. Because this is ridiculous!! AND I still need to tell my family about it. Arg. I just want to wait for my ultrasound.
Oh! Speaking of which, my first mw appointment ended up being this week, and instead of having it on the 23rd, I'm having my dating u/s at 8 weeks. I'm pretty excited, especially because that's only a week and a half away, so I can definitely manage that.
Okay, I'm done. Sorry for rambling about my stomach. I'm just...in denial I guess. Thanks for bearing with me!
Edit - I just had Matt read my blog post so that he could see the difference for himself. After which he told me he had to lie to someone ELSE today, who had said, "Is Holly expecting? I'd heard some rumors..." Matt said no, but oh my heck. Note to self, empire waist = bad. Next week, my baggiest shirt ever. I've got to make it one more week.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
I Think They're Trying to Kill Me.
No seriously! I called today for my final beta number. Here is the conversation that followed.
(me, waiting on the phone for the nurse...)
Nurse - Hello, Holly?
Me -This is!
N - Okay...let's see...oh, your number is dropping again.
Me - What?
N - Yeah, it was...oh wait...
(awkward silence...)
N - Ohhh, no no, you're fine. Did your heart just stop for a minute there?
Me - For the second time in about a week.
N - Well, don't worry, it's fine!
Me - But what's the number?
N - *^&$#@#&^ (indecipherable)
Me - Sorry, did you say 5100 or 6100?
N - 6-1. It's actually 6122!
And then there was some small talk where she told me if I wanted to go for any more, just come in for a req, and I told her I think I'm just going to leave it at that for now (in my head, I'm thinking FOREVER. Because this is stressful!)
So there! My number was 6122 a few hours shy of 2 days later. I guess that's a doubling time of almost 42 hours? Whatever. It's fine, and I'm starting to get excited!
(me, waiting on the phone for the nurse...)
Nurse - Hello, Holly?
Me -This is!
N - Okay...let's see...oh, your number is dropping again.
Me - What?
N - Yeah, it was...oh wait...
(awkward silence...)
N - Ohhh, no no, you're fine. Did your heart just stop for a minute there?
Me - For the second time in about a week.
N - Well, don't worry, it's fine!
Me - But what's the number?
N - *^&$#@#&^ (indecipherable)
Me - Sorry, did you say 5100 or 6100?
N - 6-1. It's actually 6122!
And then there was some small talk where she told me if I wanted to go for any more, just come in for a req, and I told her I think I'm just going to leave it at that for now (in my head, I'm thinking FOREVER. Because this is stressful!)
So there! My number was 6122 a few hours shy of 2 days later. I guess that's a doubling time of almost 42 hours? Whatever. It's fine, and I'm starting to get excited!
Monday, February 7, 2011
Take That, Doctor's Office!
I just got my beta from Thursday. If it was 179 the previous Saturday, I was hoping for it to be between 720 (the projected doubled number from Wednesday) and 1440 (projected doubled number for Friday.)
The actual number???
2770.
Holy crap. That's like, more than double what I WANTED it to double to.
To say I'm happy would be a complete understatement. Ecstatic. Trying to keep my happy tears in because I'm about to leave for my grad photos, and goodness knows they'll look terrible enough as it is, I don't want to make it worse!
But still.
***BIG sigh of relief***
The actual number???
2770.
Holy crap. That's like, more than double what I WANTED it to double to.
To say I'm happy would be a complete understatement. Ecstatic. Trying to keep my happy tears in because I'm about to leave for my grad photos, and goodness knows they'll look terrible enough as it is, I don't want to make it worse!
But still.
***BIG sigh of relief***
Saturday, February 5, 2011
A Little Frustrated
So, being the paranoid nut that I am, I've been doing some research. I figure that since I was between 13 and 17dpo for my blood draw, there should be some pretty comparable numbers out there, so I've been doing some comparing.
From what I've seen, my number is completely comparable, if not higher than a lot of people's initial beta at 14dpo. I mean, if you did a transfer and had a beta drawn at 11dp3dt, 179 would be a great number, right? Even for 16-17 dpo, which is what I assumed at the time I was, it's still a good number. Not something to be worried about at all.
And then the u/s...oh boy. I didn't even mention everything from the ultrasound because I was still reeling a bit, but at the ultrasound, the tech really didn't think I was further than 4 weeks along (this past thursday) and if this pregnancy was viable, that would make no sense, I should seem further. So that had me worried.
I didn't know at the time that the little circle/dot thingie I mentioned seeing was actually the gestational sac. The tech made it seem like she had no way to know what she was looking at. She said the pregnancy could be ectopic and she could be looking at a cyst. But I mean, really? Come on. Just because you can't see a yolk sac at 5 weeks, does not mean that's a cyst. From what I've read, you can't see the yolk sac until 5.5-6 weeks anyway. So to peg me at 4 weeks, and tell you can't see ANYthing? That's just silly. There was a good sized gestational sac, I know because I saw it. And I know what I saw because I compared online photos, and it is EXACTLY what I saw.
So I'm even more annoyed now because in all cases where they gave to me to think that I was not very far along, and even with the adjusted numbers to still question the viability of this pregnancy, they were wrong.
I know, one could say that the doctor and tech are probably right because they're the professionals, but I've lost confidence in what they tell me because of that one rather big mistake.
And when I say I've been doing research and comparisons, I mean, I've opened up countless blogs, compared what their beta numbers are, seen ultrasound photos and found out what gestational age they were, and found mine to be not behind at all, or at least not more than a day or two. I'm fine. Everything is fine.
But I'm angry now. All this stress, these repeat betas, this follow-up u/s, everything, is completely unnecessary, and is being read into too much. I mean, with Elijah when I had my dating ultrasound at 9 weeks, they said to change my due date by 3-4 days, as I seemed to be not as far along as I'd thought. No big deal at 9 weeks, right?
But at this point? 4 weeks or 5? Suddenly it's the end of the world, and my pregnancy is not viable? Give me a break.
I'm considering not going in for any more of it. I haven't booked the ultrasound yet, and I don't think I will, as roughly 2 days after it I'll have an appointment with my midwife who can assess the situation herself, and give me a dating ultrasound at an appropriate time. And I've already had 2 blood draws. I'll see if they're doubling, fine. But that's good enough to me, and really I just want them because I'm curious about the numbers. But not curious enough to get a sitter for Elijah Monday, Wednesday and Friday just because my doctor goofed and is now overly-cautious.
I know this a whiner post, I guess I'm trying to work out all of these feelings in writing. I think for my own sake I need to forget about it all. I'll get the numbers back from the betas, and then leave it, because even if I AM going to miscarry (which I really don't think I am) then this stress is pointless.
**sigh**
I wish there was more to say, but there isn't! I'm waiting to hear back about an appointment with the counselor to talk about my depression. Matt and I are working away at packing and are surprisingly on track for needing to move in 13 days. Elijah has been weaned and is slowly adjusting. He's sleeping through the night better than he ever has; he got up at 7:30 this morning, and we didn't need to get up ONCE throughout the night for him, it was awesome. I'm catching a bit of a cold. I have to do music time tomorrow at church for the little kids. I have my grad photos on Monday, and a project due on Tuesday that I haven't started yet. I'm meeting with some old friends from highschool on Thursday, and I'm pretty excited because all 4 of us are pregnant at the same time, and if I'm feeling a little more confident by then, I'll tell them so. Next Friday I'm going to the temple with Matt for the first time in ages. I'm so excited.
The point of all of my rambling? My life is good, and it's being clouded by this one trial. I need to not let it consume me, I need to move through it, and be happy during and not after the hard times. I need to rely less on the comfort provided by man-made methods, and rely more on the comfort that only Heavenly Father can give. It's hard to do, but probably (okay, most definitely) easier than continuing in such fear and worry. Why is it that we can know what is right and what will help us, and still struggle so much to do it?
Either way, I'm going to make a more concerted effort today to put my worries out of my mind and be happy NOW and not "when."
From what I've seen, my number is completely comparable, if not higher than a lot of people's initial beta at 14dpo. I mean, if you did a transfer and had a beta drawn at 11dp3dt, 179 would be a great number, right? Even for 16-17 dpo, which is what I assumed at the time I was, it's still a good number. Not something to be worried about at all.
And then the u/s...oh boy. I didn't even mention everything from the ultrasound because I was still reeling a bit, but at the ultrasound, the tech really didn't think I was further than 4 weeks along (this past thursday) and if this pregnancy was viable, that would make no sense, I should seem further. So that had me worried.
I didn't know at the time that the little circle/dot thingie I mentioned seeing was actually the gestational sac. The tech made it seem like she had no way to know what she was looking at. She said the pregnancy could be ectopic and she could be looking at a cyst. But I mean, really? Come on. Just because you can't see a yolk sac at 5 weeks, does not mean that's a cyst. From what I've read, you can't see the yolk sac until 5.5-6 weeks anyway. So to peg me at 4 weeks, and tell you can't see ANYthing? That's just silly. There was a good sized gestational sac, I know because I saw it. And I know what I saw because I compared online photos, and it is EXACTLY what I saw.
So I'm even more annoyed now because in all cases where they gave to me to think that I was not very far along, and even with the adjusted numbers to still question the viability of this pregnancy, they were wrong.
I know, one could say that the doctor and tech are probably right because they're the professionals, but I've lost confidence in what they tell me because of that one rather big mistake.
And when I say I've been doing research and comparisons, I mean, I've opened up countless blogs, compared what their beta numbers are, seen ultrasound photos and found out what gestational age they were, and found mine to be not behind at all, or at least not more than a day or two. I'm fine. Everything is fine.
But I'm angry now. All this stress, these repeat betas, this follow-up u/s, everything, is completely unnecessary, and is being read into too much. I mean, with Elijah when I had my dating ultrasound at 9 weeks, they said to change my due date by 3-4 days, as I seemed to be not as far along as I'd thought. No big deal at 9 weeks, right?
But at this point? 4 weeks or 5? Suddenly it's the end of the world, and my pregnancy is not viable? Give me a break.
I'm considering not going in for any more of it. I haven't booked the ultrasound yet, and I don't think I will, as roughly 2 days after it I'll have an appointment with my midwife who can assess the situation herself, and give me a dating ultrasound at an appropriate time. And I've already had 2 blood draws. I'll see if they're doubling, fine. But that's good enough to me, and really I just want them because I'm curious about the numbers. But not curious enough to get a sitter for Elijah Monday, Wednesday and Friday just because my doctor goofed and is now overly-cautious.
I know this a whiner post, I guess I'm trying to work out all of these feelings in writing. I think for my own sake I need to forget about it all. I'll get the numbers back from the betas, and then leave it, because even if I AM going to miscarry (which I really don't think I am) then this stress is pointless.
**sigh**
I wish there was more to say, but there isn't! I'm waiting to hear back about an appointment with the counselor to talk about my depression. Matt and I are working away at packing and are surprisingly on track for needing to move in 13 days. Elijah has been weaned and is slowly adjusting. He's sleeping through the night better than he ever has; he got up at 7:30 this morning, and we didn't need to get up ONCE throughout the night for him, it was awesome. I'm catching a bit of a cold. I have to do music time tomorrow at church for the little kids. I have my grad photos on Monday, and a project due on Tuesday that I haven't started yet. I'm meeting with some old friends from highschool on Thursday, and I'm pretty excited because all 4 of us are pregnant at the same time, and if I'm feeling a little more confident by then, I'll tell them so. Next Friday I'm going to the temple with Matt for the first time in ages. I'm so excited.
The point of all of my rambling? My life is good, and it's being clouded by this one trial. I need to not let it consume me, I need to move through it, and be happy during and not after the hard times. I need to rely less on the comfort provided by man-made methods, and rely more on the comfort that only Heavenly Father can give. It's hard to do, but probably (okay, most definitely) easier than continuing in such fear and worry. Why is it that we can know what is right and what will help us, and still struggle so much to do it?
Either way, I'm going to make a more concerted effort today to put my worries out of my mind and be happy NOW and not "when."
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Happy Tears!
I can cry them now. I did the grad photos, I'm 99% sure I bombed them, but I'm beyond caring! I'm done my project for tomorrow. My numbers are great, my baby stinks like poop (no more constipation!) my husband is about to make milkshakes, I've already read my scriptures today, life is good. I'm feeling a lot of peace right now.
I'm glad I got the beta number today, and that the doctor's office called me to give it to me and to tell me to not worry anymore (HA, thanks alot for your approval!) and that I didn't have to hunt it down. I don't know if I have the energy to hunt it down right now, as all this goodness is mingled with exhaustion and a head cold that's lingering. But still.
To be honest, Sunday was a really good day for me, and put me into a better way in terms of enduring the stress and wondering and worrying I was going through. I feel like the high beta is just the icing on the cake, and that's a nice feeling.
I meant to post on this yesterday and I never got the chance, but what really helped on Sunday was reading the lyrics to a couple favourite hymns, as follows.
Be Still My Soul (v's 1 and 2)
Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.
Where Can I Turn for Peace?
Where can I turn for peace? Where is my solace,
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When, with a wounded heart, anger, or malice
I draw myself apart searching my soul?
Where, when my aching grows? Where, when I languish?
Where, in my need to know? Where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand? He, only One.
He answers privately, reaches my reaching.
In my Gethsemane, Savior, and friend.
Gentle, the peace He finds, for my beseeching.
Constant He is, and kind, love without end.
I discovered the power of the hymn Be Still My Soul last April. Have I talked about this before? I thought I was pregnant again when Elijah was only 2 1/2 months old. I thought I understood everything, and was only struggling to know how I was going to do it, having two babies less than a year apart. I turned to Heavenly Father for guidance and strength, and instead found out I was not actually pregnant on the same day my closest friend found out she was.
What followed was a complete spiritual crisis and I'm not even going to get into it much. Basically, I had misinterpreted that experience, and felt all of a sudden like I couldn't trust any spiritual experience I had ever had. It was one of the hardest times of my life, and it made me feel like a terrible mother for struggling so much when I already had Elijah. It wasn't really that I wasn't pregnant, I'm glad I wasn't! It was more the feelings I had had, and the confusion I experienced that shook me.
Always, throughout that trial, I would come back to the hymn Be Still My Soul. I had felt prompted to read and memorize it before my spiritual crisis, and it came to me so often when I was struggling. The second verse especially helped, knowing Heavenly Father was guiding my future still, just as He always has, and remembering that, "All now mysterious shall be bright at last." Even though I didn't understand it then, I would some day.
I'm admittedly NOT at the point of understanding the purpose of that trial yet, but I've realized I don't need to know why I experienced what I did. I just know how I can react in the middle of such a situation. I can break down like I did, and fight to not despair, or I can turn to the Lord and ask for help and comfort.
It's a lesson I'm constantly being reminded of, this frustration and confusion over my beta levels notwithstanding.
And so, on Sunday, I had come to the realization that I could be fine without reassurances from tests. I could and WOULD be fine based on the spirit I felt and the strength I received as I prayed sincerely.
Sunday was a good day. I am SO grateful for the higher beta levels, but I'm even more grateful that I had made my peace with the situation before the number even came back. It made today even better I think.
And that's what trusting in Heavenly father does, isn't it? It makes everything, good news especially, all the sweeter.
I'm glad I got the beta number today, and that the doctor's office called me to give it to me and to tell me to not worry anymore (HA, thanks alot for your approval!) and that I didn't have to hunt it down. I don't know if I have the energy to hunt it down right now, as all this goodness is mingled with exhaustion and a head cold that's lingering. But still.
To be honest, Sunday was a really good day for me, and put me into a better way in terms of enduring the stress and wondering and worrying I was going through. I feel like the high beta is just the icing on the cake, and that's a nice feeling.
I meant to post on this yesterday and I never got the chance, but what really helped on Sunday was reading the lyrics to a couple favourite hymns, as follows.
Be Still My Soul (v's 1 and 2)
Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
Be still, my soul: Thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as he has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: The waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while he dwelt below.
Where Can I Turn for Peace?
Where can I turn for peace? Where is my solace,
When other sources cease to make me whole?
When, with a wounded heart, anger, or malice
I draw myself apart searching my soul?
Where, when my aching grows? Where, when I languish?
Where, in my need to know? Where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand? He, only One.
He answers privately, reaches my reaching.
In my Gethsemane, Savior, and friend.
Gentle, the peace He finds, for my beseeching.
Constant He is, and kind, love without end.
I discovered the power of the hymn Be Still My Soul last April. Have I talked about this before? I thought I was pregnant again when Elijah was only 2 1/2 months old. I thought I understood everything, and was only struggling to know how I was going to do it, having two babies less than a year apart. I turned to Heavenly Father for guidance and strength, and instead found out I was not actually pregnant on the same day my closest friend found out she was.
What followed was a complete spiritual crisis and I'm not even going to get into it much. Basically, I had misinterpreted that experience, and felt all of a sudden like I couldn't trust any spiritual experience I had ever had. It was one of the hardest times of my life, and it made me feel like a terrible mother for struggling so much when I already had Elijah. It wasn't really that I wasn't pregnant, I'm glad I wasn't! It was more the feelings I had had, and the confusion I experienced that shook me.
Always, throughout that trial, I would come back to the hymn Be Still My Soul. I had felt prompted to read and memorize it before my spiritual crisis, and it came to me so often when I was struggling. The second verse especially helped, knowing Heavenly Father was guiding my future still, just as He always has, and remembering that, "All now mysterious shall be bright at last." Even though I didn't understand it then, I would some day.
I'm admittedly NOT at the point of understanding the purpose of that trial yet, but I've realized I don't need to know why I experienced what I did. I just know how I can react in the middle of such a situation. I can break down like I did, and fight to not despair, or I can turn to the Lord and ask for help and comfort.
It's a lesson I'm constantly being reminded of, this frustration and confusion over my beta levels notwithstanding.
And so, on Sunday, I had come to the realization that I could be fine without reassurances from tests. I could and WOULD be fine based on the spirit I felt and the strength I received as I prayed sincerely.
Sunday was a good day. I am SO grateful for the higher beta levels, but I'm even more grateful that I had made my peace with the situation before the number even came back. It made today even better I think.
And that's what trusting in Heavenly father does, isn't it? It makes everything, good news especially, all the sweeter.
It's Okay...I think
Thank-you SO much for your thoughts and prayers and comments on my last post. It means a lot to me.
Oh my goodness...where to start?
First of all, the agony that is drinking too much water is incomparable. All I can say is, Breathing exercises didn't help when I was in labour with Elijah, and they didn't help today either!
Okay, so I went to the u/s. She did a trans-vaginal one, could see that my lining was fine, and could see the little circle/dot in my uterus that would indicate a pregnancy. She doesn't think I'm 5 weeks along like I thought, and wouldn't peg me at more than 4-4.5. We're doing a repeat in 2 weeks.
Then I managed to get my numbers.
Progesterone was a big whopping 38! So all that worry for nothing.
Estrogen - 534 (I have no idea what this means...)
HCG - are you ready for this? ? ? ? ? ?
179
I know, right? That doesn't seem too low to me, if it was taken last Saturday.
So I ask for the doctor to give me a requisition to have my beta levels check every other day for a bit, and she calls us into her office to give us all the details.
She pulls out a chart that reads the following:
< 1 week 5-50
1-2 weeks 50-500
2-3 weeks 100-5,000
3-4 weeks 500-10,000
4-5 weeks 1,000-50,000
She then proceeds to tell me that because I'd have been 4-5 weeks (guessing here still) when I had my levels checked on Saturday, that puts me at the 1000-50000 range, and I'm obviously so low that a viable pregnancy just can't be possible, which is why she also suspected ectopic.
I feel this whole sinking feeling, am completely convinced that she's right, this pregnancy isn't going to last, what's the point? Can't we just move on with it......
And then!!!
"I don't mean to be rude or anything, but are SURE that's 4-5 weeks pregnant, and not 4-5 weeks after ovulation/conception? It just doesn't make sense for a woman's HCG levels to be between 5 and 500 before she even ovulates...."
And I was right.
So really, I fell in the 1-2 (50-500) / 2-3 week (100-5000) range. Which makes my number (of 179) perfectly fine. If she had have read it right, she wouldn't have even commented on all of this, or requested the ultrasound that showed nothing because I'm not far enough along yet. And I wouldn't be worried, or hyper-aware. Because I'm pretty sure that I'm going to stress until I'm at least 12-14 weeks along, and not worried about a missed miscarriage anymore.
I feel pretty shaken by the whole experience, and I really don't know what to think. Part of me wants to just forget the doctor, all of this, not worry about it, and trust that it'll be fine. That part of me just knows this was a hiccup, but that this IS a viable pregnancy, the baby is fine and thriving, and all will be well.
But now..........now another part of me thinks, "what if the ultrasound SHOULD have shown something, but didn't, because the baby is not developing properly, and I'm going to miscarry anyway?" Even if it's not true, and everything will be fine, I will now ALWAYS have that worry in the back of my mind. That threat to the first 12 weeks where I won't really relax until I'm out of the woods.
Well, I guess I won't have to wonder the whole 12 weeks long. I'm going for a repeat u/s in 2 weeks (yeah, the day before I move, most likely...) and had another HCG draw today. I'm going to be going Saturday, Monday, Wednesday, and maybe even Friday to keep an eye on things. Unfortunately, it takes them about 3-4 days to get the results anyway, so I won't know today's until Monday, and so forth, but either way. I'll know whether they're doubling. Maybe once I have some reassurance in that and the u/s quarter, I'll be able to relax some more.
In other news though...I stopped nursing 2 days ago! I loved nursing Elijah, and am trying not to think about all the things I'll miss about it, because it was just...time. So, in the meantime, I'm pretty excited about going to the movies, having babysitters, and going to the temple!
And speaking of Elijah, he just woke up, I've gotta run.
Oh my goodness...where to start?
First of all, the agony that is drinking too much water is incomparable. All I can say is, Breathing exercises didn't help when I was in labour with Elijah, and they didn't help today either!
Okay, so I went to the u/s. She did a trans-vaginal one, could see that my lining was fine, and could see the little circle/dot in my uterus that would indicate a pregnancy. She doesn't think I'm 5 weeks along like I thought, and wouldn't peg me at more than 4-4.5. We're doing a repeat in 2 weeks.
Then I managed to get my numbers.
Progesterone was a big whopping 38! So all that worry for nothing.
Estrogen - 534 (I have no idea what this means...)
HCG - are you ready for this? ? ? ? ? ?
179
I know, right? That doesn't seem too low to me, if it was taken last Saturday.
So I ask for the doctor to give me a requisition to have my beta levels check every other day for a bit, and she calls us into her office to give us all the details.
She pulls out a chart that reads the following:
< 1 week 5-50
1-2 weeks 50-500
2-3 weeks 100-5,000
3-4 weeks 500-10,000
4-5 weeks 1,000-50,000
She then proceeds to tell me that because I'd have been 4-5 weeks (guessing here still) when I had my levels checked on Saturday, that puts me at the 1000-50000 range, and I'm obviously so low that a viable pregnancy just can't be possible, which is why she also suspected ectopic.
I feel this whole sinking feeling, am completely convinced that she's right, this pregnancy isn't going to last, what's the point? Can't we just move on with it......
And then!!!
"I don't mean to be rude or anything, but are SURE that's 4-5 weeks pregnant, and not 4-5 weeks after ovulation/conception? It just doesn't make sense for a woman's HCG levels to be between 5 and 500 before she even ovulates...."
And I was right.
So really, I fell in the 1-2 (50-500) / 2-3 week (100-5000) range. Which makes my number (of 179) perfectly fine. If she had have read it right, she wouldn't have even commented on all of this, or requested the ultrasound that showed nothing because I'm not far enough along yet. And I wouldn't be worried, or hyper-aware. Because I'm pretty sure that I'm going to stress until I'm at least 12-14 weeks along, and not worried about a missed miscarriage anymore.
I feel pretty shaken by the whole experience, and I really don't know what to think. Part of me wants to just forget the doctor, all of this, not worry about it, and trust that it'll be fine. That part of me just knows this was a hiccup, but that this IS a viable pregnancy, the baby is fine and thriving, and all will be well.
But now..........now another part of me thinks, "what if the ultrasound SHOULD have shown something, but didn't, because the baby is not developing properly, and I'm going to miscarry anyway?" Even if it's not true, and everything will be fine, I will now ALWAYS have that worry in the back of my mind. That threat to the first 12 weeks where I won't really relax until I'm out of the woods.
Well, I guess I won't have to wonder the whole 12 weeks long. I'm going for a repeat u/s in 2 weeks (yeah, the day before I move, most likely...) and had another HCG draw today. I'm going to be going Saturday, Monday, Wednesday, and maybe even Friday to keep an eye on things. Unfortunately, it takes them about 3-4 days to get the results anyway, so I won't know today's until Monday, and so forth, but either way. I'll know whether they're doubling. Maybe once I have some reassurance in that and the u/s quarter, I'll be able to relax some more.
In other news though...I stopped nursing 2 days ago! I loved nursing Elijah, and am trying not to think about all the things I'll miss about it, because it was just...time. So, in the meantime, I'm pretty excited about going to the movies, having babysitters, and going to the temple!
And speaking of Elijah, he just woke up, I've gotta run.
Justifiably Worried
So today I called my doctor's office for my bloodwork results, and got a call back from the nurse.
Apparently my doctor said today that my HCG levels on my Saturday blood-draw were low for how far along I should be (I won't get the actual numbers until I pick up the summary this afternoon.)
In the meantime...
Commence panicking.
At the same time, I was really only guessing that I ovulated around CD30-31. I thought the line was getting a little darker on my OPK on CD29, but I have no way of knowing if I would have ovulated right after that, because I stopped using OPK's.
So really I suppose I was only guessing that I was 4w3d on Saturday, and could have been less far along than I thought. When I got my BFP (big fat positive) last Tuesday, I could have only been 9 or 10 dpo (days past ovulation, sorry for all the jargon, Liz!) rather than 13 like I thought. Which, to me would explain the lower numbers. (See how I'm trying to reassure myself?)
I'm trying so hard to not freak out, but when the nurse says things like, "The doctor wants you to come in today at 1:15 for an ultrasound to check for viability or an ectopic pregnancy..." you tend to die a little inside, I'm not going to lie.
Why, oh why, do they have to assume everything is wrong, and not FIRST assume that maybe I'm just not as far along as I thought?
So, point is, any thoughts and prayers for this afternoon's u/s would be much appreciated!
Apparently my doctor said today that my HCG levels on my Saturday blood-draw were low for how far along I should be (I won't get the actual numbers until I pick up the summary this afternoon.)
In the meantime...
Commence panicking.
At the same time, I was really only guessing that I ovulated around CD30-31. I thought the line was getting a little darker on my OPK on CD29, but I have no way of knowing if I would have ovulated right after that, because I stopped using OPK's.
So really I suppose I was only guessing that I was 4w3d on Saturday, and could have been less far along than I thought. When I got my BFP (big fat positive) last Tuesday, I could have only been 9 or 10 dpo (days past ovulation, sorry for all the jargon, Liz!) rather than 13 like I thought. Which, to me would explain the lower numbers. (See how I'm trying to reassure myself?)
I'm trying so hard to not freak out, but when the nurse says things like, "The doctor wants you to come in today at 1:15 for an ultrasound to check for viability or an ectopic pregnancy..." you tend to die a little inside, I'm not going to lie.
Why, oh why, do they have to assume everything is wrong, and not FIRST assume that maybe I'm just not as far along as I thought?
So, point is, any thoughts and prayers for this afternoon's u/s would be much appreciated!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Struggling
Today was a really hard day for me. I think it was a culmination of 20 little things that, individually, would not seem like a big deal, but altogether it was tough.
The biggest thing was Elijah and his eating. We met with the dietitian yesterday and she said that, as long as he's healthy and normal, he will not starve himself, and we just need to persist in offering foods he won't eat until he gives in and eats them. Which sounds all fine and dandy in an office at 1pm while your baby is happily sleeping away at home, but in practice, it was really hard.
Pretty much, I felt like the world's worst mom and that I was starving my already scrawny boy, and making him oh so sad. He was a miserable little fellow today, and his cry eventually just made this part in my chest (right where my sternum is) contract more and more until it felt like all feeling had been quenched and I was just going through my day as an automaton, doing things mechanically, but not really existing in spirit or being. I don't know how else to describe the feeling than that. Perhaps it has to do with the depression? Probably. I just felt numb inside.
I had class today, and had just managed to get Elijah down for a nap when Matt got home. I laid down on the couch and outright refused to go. The tense, frustrated feeling didn't go away until I had a meltdown of epic proportions, claiming that nobody understood how I feel, no-one else seemed to care or even be WORRIED that Elijah's weight went from the 50th %'ile to the 20th and I didn't know what to do for him, and I was going insane and NEEDED to stop nursing (I really do) but felt like I'm depriving him of the only consistent nutrition he gets, and why is nobody even remotely concerned about my hormone levels like I am, and what if I miscarry, and how do you KNOW, Matthew, that I won't miscarry, when you know as much as I do, and while we're at it, I hate packing, and want chocolate and every time I have a dark chocolate that I got for Christmas I just want it to be the milk chocolate ones, and darnit can we go to Costco RIGHT NOW to get the right stuff PUH-LEASE?!?!?!?!?!
Yeah, it was great. I think in there I also accused Matt of hating me because I hate myself for making him have to deal with such a hormonal wife, and for being so weak as to give in to these emotions. It was a glorious day!
I can look at it all and laugh about it now because I'm feeling better, but I really wonder what's wrong with me?
IS it just pregnancy? Or is it this whole depression thing?
I called LDS family services yesterday to book an appointment with one of their specialists just to talk with them about it, and hopefully get a better idea of what it is that I'm experiencing. I was slightly pleasantly and slightly UNpleasantly surprised to find that a member of my bishopric, Kevin, is being trained this week to function as a new counselor. I really like this brother, but part of me would feel more comfortable talking to someone completely unconnected with me. Part of me is concerned that if I'm stressed and mention church AT ALL that it'll mean I'll get released from my calling in Primary because obviously I have a lot on my plate and can't handle it, and I don't want to feel like I got released because I complained. I know it doesn't quite make sense. I'm pleased at the same time, though, because I only have to drive 10 minutes rather than 50 to appointments, and as I said before, I know and respect this person already.
Anyway, I hope to see him soon, because I'm really struggling right now, and I think 99% of it is actually depression related, or maybe anxiety related.
I'm trying to remind myself to just get through today, just get through today, just get through today, but I am HORRIBLE at remembering things that I've learned! I need to write it down in big letters and put it on my mirror, on my fridge, IN my fridge, above the lightswitch, everywhere so that I remember.
Tomorrow I'm 5 weeks, and I'm starting to feel more relaxed and excited I think. Maybe because it's getting to be out of the danger zone if I were to miscarry due to a LPD. I had my progesterone tested yesterday, but I'm not going to call for the results until late tomorrow or Thursday. We're about to get Snowmageddon, and I don't even know if the labs will be open tomorrow!
I'm sorry to have complained my way through this post, I hope it wasn't too bad to read. Here's to a better tomorrow!
The biggest thing was Elijah and his eating. We met with the dietitian yesterday and she said that, as long as he's healthy and normal, he will not starve himself, and we just need to persist in offering foods he won't eat until he gives in and eats them. Which sounds all fine and dandy in an office at 1pm while your baby is happily sleeping away at home, but in practice, it was really hard.
Pretty much, I felt like the world's worst mom and that I was starving my already scrawny boy, and making him oh so sad. He was a miserable little fellow today, and his cry eventually just made this part in my chest (right where my sternum is) contract more and more until it felt like all feeling had been quenched and I was just going through my day as an automaton, doing things mechanically, but not really existing in spirit or being. I don't know how else to describe the feeling than that. Perhaps it has to do with the depression? Probably. I just felt numb inside.
I had class today, and had just managed to get Elijah down for a nap when Matt got home. I laid down on the couch and outright refused to go. The tense, frustrated feeling didn't go away until I had a meltdown of epic proportions, claiming that nobody understood how I feel, no-one else seemed to care or even be WORRIED that Elijah's weight went from the 50th %'ile to the 20th and I didn't know what to do for him, and I was going insane and NEEDED to stop nursing (I really do) but felt like I'm depriving him of the only consistent nutrition he gets, and why is nobody even remotely concerned about my hormone levels like I am, and what if I miscarry, and how do you KNOW, Matthew, that I won't miscarry, when you know as much as I do, and while we're at it, I hate packing, and want chocolate and every time I have a dark chocolate that I got for Christmas I just want it to be the milk chocolate ones, and darnit can we go to Costco RIGHT NOW to get the right stuff PUH-LEASE?!?!?!?!?!
Yeah, it was great. I think in there I also accused Matt of hating me because I hate myself for making him have to deal with such a hormonal wife, and for being so weak as to give in to these emotions. It was a glorious day!
I can look at it all and laugh about it now because I'm feeling better, but I really wonder what's wrong with me?
IS it just pregnancy? Or is it this whole depression thing?
I called LDS family services yesterday to book an appointment with one of their specialists just to talk with them about it, and hopefully get a better idea of what it is that I'm experiencing. I was slightly pleasantly and slightly UNpleasantly surprised to find that a member of my bishopric, Kevin, is being trained this week to function as a new counselor. I really like this brother, but part of me would feel more comfortable talking to someone completely unconnected with me. Part of me is concerned that if I'm stressed and mention church AT ALL that it'll mean I'll get released from my calling in Primary because obviously I have a lot on my plate and can't handle it, and I don't want to feel like I got released because I complained. I know it doesn't quite make sense. I'm pleased at the same time, though, because I only have to drive 10 minutes rather than 50 to appointments, and as I said before, I know and respect this person already.
Anyway, I hope to see him soon, because I'm really struggling right now, and I think 99% of it is actually depression related, or maybe anxiety related.
I'm trying to remind myself to just get through today, just get through today, just get through today, but I am HORRIBLE at remembering things that I've learned! I need to write it down in big letters and put it on my mirror, on my fridge, IN my fridge, above the lightswitch, everywhere so that I remember.
Tomorrow I'm 5 weeks, and I'm starting to feel more relaxed and excited I think. Maybe because it's getting to be out of the danger zone if I were to miscarry due to a LPD. I had my progesterone tested yesterday, but I'm not going to call for the results until late tomorrow or Thursday. We're about to get Snowmageddon, and I don't even know if the labs will be open tomorrow!
I'm sorry to have complained my way through this post, I hope it wasn't too bad to read. Here's to a better tomorrow!
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