The drama continues! One of my midwives called today (I have a team of 3) to say that she just got the report from the ultrasound from a couple weeks ago. She wanted to know if I had seen the report or not, or knew what it said.
I told her I hadn't seen it.
She starts mentioning the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy.
I remind her of what the tech said, that it's too early to tell. Because she was looking for an ectopic, and her results weren't conclusive enough, she couldn't rule it out. She said the gestational sac could just be a cyst, with an ectopic somewhere else.
I also remind my MW that my numbers were great, more than doubling, and then doubling. They wouldn't be so high if they were ectopic.
My MW concurs. Given what the tech told me, my numbers, and the fact that I haven't been cramping or spotting which I surely would be if it was ectopic, all is well. I'm to keep my u/s appointment for next Wednesday and go on my merry way until then. Oh, and don't let her call worry me.
Riiiiiiiight.
Because I hang up the phone, go to Matt, and instantly dissolve in tears. Matt's confused, because obviously everything is fine, but then I explain it all to him.
Why is it that I'M the one reassuring my midwife, when I don't feel at all reassured? I feel like her reassurances are completely empty given that they're based off of what I told her. And my mind starts down the scary path of doubt and fear. AM I too far along to start experiencing ectopic symptoms? COULD my numbers look good and normal with an ectopic? I don't know the answers to these questions, and Dr. Google is no comfort.
As you can see, the struggle for me to relax and have faith is a constant battle. It would be easier, I think, if it weren't for the fact that once I overcome and get over each new problem, allowing myself to get excited and tell just a few more people, some other obstacle is thrown in my path, scaring me and working me up all over again. And I have to go through the process again.
Is my whining getting to be too much? I'm so thankful for this pregnancy, and for the little baby growing inside of me. I keep trying to remind myself that, even if I DO miscarry, I am experiencing this beautiful time of hope and excitement, and that, unless and until things are unwell, they're well. I really REALLY hope it doesn't seem like I'm complaining about a blessing. I'm trying not to. I'm not upset or frustrated about this pregnancy. I'm just so scared it'll be snatched from me, and am trying my hardest to conquer these fears, and would really really appreciate it if the healthcare professionals in my neck of the woods would stop trying to instill me with fear when it's taking every ounce of energy I have to not give in to the fear and depression, curl up into a ball, and sleep the next 6 weeks away. And I'm being totally serious about the sleep thing. I felt so emotionally drained today that I got irritated, snapped at Matt, and went upstairs to sleep my troubles away at 4:30pm. I came downstairs 5 minutes later, realizing fully that it won't help and that he needs my support too (we have a very sick and grouchy Elijah right now!) but it was so tempting.
I need to go back and read the posts I did about the songs that help me in times of trial, and the need to just make it through today. Tomorrow, and the next day, and the next day (incidentally, moving day) can wait. For now, all I have to do is make it through today.
My first (real) u/s is a week tomorrow. I wish I could pull it ahead a week, but even if the midwives could swing it, I'm moving Friday and am up to my eyes in piano movers, packing, laundry, cleaning, and everything else that it'd just be a huge strain to go this week. I know that logically, but still I want it! On the upside, it's a great distraction from the stress.
I have to apologize though, I don't mean to be a downer in all of my posts. I guess I'm feeling stuck. A big part of me feels guilty posting about happy pregnancy things, and I try to, but it feels weird. At least, weirder than when I was pregnant with Elijah and I had a happy, rainbows and butterflies family blog. At the same time, I know it's annoying to only read about woe is me this, and I'm not worthy that. And then, what do I do if I want to post about something not pregnancy related at all???
I never meant for this to become a pregnancy blog, it's just, I found out I'm pregnant less than 4 weeks into starting it, and I don't know how to write about anything else. I feel like the expectation is that I'll write about infertility, but that's not necessarily what my original purpose was. I guess my original purpose was to write about the things I experience in life, like defending all anti-porn movements in my seminar at school yesterday and nearly crying in front of 20 girls who disagree with me (mostly) or about the stress Matt is going through with the business, or about how I really shouldn't have worn black pants on a day when Elijah's nose is running like a faucet and he's feeling snuggly to boot. All these things that make my life what it is! Infertility is a part of it, yes, a part that feels like it should be in the past, but is really still so fore-front with me that I feel guilty about it.
I don't know what I'm getting at with all of this. I guess I want the leeway to write about things happening in my life, even if they're boring to people reading, and even if they're not about being pregnant. I want to be able to revel in Elijah's sweetness without feeling like I'm hurting anyone feelings. I don't say that to be insensitive! I don't WANT to hurt anyone, which is why I rarely mention Elijah, but then, my blog is only 1.5 months old, and I feel like I wanted him and my life to be a part of this all, and he's not. But would it seem like I'm complaining about a blessing to talk about how it's frustrating that he's such a picky eater, or that I'm worried he hasn't said his first word yet? Arg, I don't know!
I'll find a balance somehow. In the meantime, bear with me. I'm still figuring this thing out. :)
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