It's Okay...I think

Thank-you SO much for your thoughts and prayers and comments on my last post. It means a lot to me.

Oh my goodness...where to start?

First of all, the agony that is drinking too much water is incomparable. All I can say is, Breathing exercises didn't help when I was in labour with Elijah, and they didn't help today either!

Okay, so I went to the u/s. She did a trans-vaginal one, could see that my lining was fine, and could see the little circle/dot in my uterus that would indicate a pregnancy. She doesn't think I'm 5 weeks along like I thought, and wouldn't peg me at more than 4-4.5. We're doing a repeat in 2 weeks.

Then I managed to get my numbers.

Progesterone was a big whopping 38! So all that worry for nothing.
Estrogen - 534 (I have no idea what this means...)
HCG - are you ready for this? ? ? ? ? ?


179


I know, right? That doesn't seem too low to me, if it was taken last Saturday.

So I ask for the doctor to give me a requisition to have my beta levels check every other day for a bit, and she calls us into her office to give us all the details.

She pulls out a chart that reads the following:

< 1 week 5-50
1-2 weeks 50-500
2-3 weeks 100-5,000
3-4 weeks 500-10,000
4-5 weeks 1,000-50,000

She then proceeds to tell me that because I'd have been 4-5 weeks (guessing here still) when I had my levels checked on Saturday, that puts me at the 1000-50000 range, and I'm obviously so low that a viable pregnancy just can't be possible, which is why she also suspected ectopic.

I feel this whole sinking feeling, am completely convinced that she's right, this pregnancy isn't going to last, what's the point? Can't we just move on with it......

And then!!!

"I don't mean to be rude or anything, but are SURE that's 4-5 weeks pregnant, and not 4-5 weeks after ovulation/conception? It just doesn't make sense for a woman's HCG levels to be between 5 and 500 before she even ovulates...."

And I was right.

So really, I fell in the 1-2 (50-500) / 2-3 week (100-5000) range. Which makes my number (of 179) perfectly fine. If she had have read it right, she wouldn't have even commented on all of this, or requested the ultrasound that showed nothing because I'm not far enough along yet. And I wouldn't be worried, or hyper-aware. Because I'm pretty sure that I'm going to stress until I'm at least 12-14 weeks along, and not worried about a missed miscarriage anymore.

I feel pretty shaken by the whole experience, and I really don't know what to think. Part of me wants to just forget the doctor, all of this, not worry about it, and trust that it'll be fine. That part of me just knows this was a hiccup, but that this IS a viable pregnancy, the baby is fine and thriving, and all will be well.

But now..........now another part of me thinks, "what if the ultrasound SHOULD have shown something, but didn't, because the baby is not developing properly, and I'm going to miscarry anyway?" Even if it's not true, and everything will be fine, I will now ALWAYS have that worry in the back of my mind. That threat to the first 12 weeks where I won't really relax until I'm out of the woods.

Well, I guess I won't have to wonder the whole 12 weeks long. I'm going for a repeat u/s in 2 weeks (yeah, the day before I move, most likely...) and had another HCG draw today. I'm going to be going Saturday, Monday, Wednesday, and maybe even Friday to keep an eye on things. Unfortunately, it takes them about 3-4 days to get the results anyway, so I won't know today's until Monday, and so forth, but either way. I'll know whether they're doubling. Maybe once I have some reassurance in that and the u/s quarter, I'll be able to relax some more.

In other news though...I stopped nursing 2 days ago! I loved nursing Elijah, and am trying not to think about all the things I'll miss about it, because it was just...time. So, in the meantime, I'm pretty excited about going to the movies, having babysitters, and going to the temple!

And speaking of Elijah, he just woke up, I've gotta run.