Struggling

Today was a really hard day for me. I think it was a culmination of 20 little things that, individually, would not seem like a big deal, but altogether it was tough.

The biggest thing was Elijah and his eating. We met with the dietitian yesterday and she said that, as long as he's healthy and normal, he will not starve himself, and we just need to persist in offering foods he won't eat until he gives in and eats them. Which sounds all fine and dandy in an office at 1pm while your baby is happily sleeping away at home, but in practice, it was really hard.
Pretty much, I felt like the world's worst mom and that I was starving my already scrawny boy, and making him oh so sad. He was a miserable little fellow today, and his cry eventually just made this part in my chest (right where my sternum is) contract more and more until it felt like all feeling had been quenched and I was just going through my day as an automaton, doing things mechanically, but not really existing in spirit or being. I don't know how else to describe the feeling than that. Perhaps it has to do with the depression? Probably. I just felt numb inside.

I had class today, and had just managed to get Elijah down for a nap when Matt got home. I laid down on the couch and outright refused to go. The tense, frustrated feeling didn't go away until I had a meltdown of epic proportions, claiming that nobody understood how I feel, no-one else seemed to care or even be WORRIED that Elijah's weight went from the 50th %'ile to the 20th and I didn't know what to do for him, and I was going insane and NEEDED to stop nursing (I really do) but felt like I'm depriving him of the only consistent nutrition he gets, and why is nobody even remotely concerned about my hormone levels like I am, and what if I miscarry, and how do you KNOW, Matthew, that I won't miscarry, when you know as much as I do, and while we're at it, I hate packing, and want chocolate and every time I have a dark chocolate that I got for Christmas I just want it to be the milk chocolate ones, and darnit can we go to Costco RIGHT NOW to get the right stuff PUH-LEASE?!?!?!?!?!

Yeah, it was great. I think in there I also accused Matt of hating me because I hate myself for making him have to deal with such a hormonal wife, and for being so weak as to give in to these emotions. It was a glorious day!

I can look at it all and laugh about it now because I'm feeling better, but I really wonder what's wrong with me?

IS it just pregnancy? Or is it this whole depression thing?

I called LDS family services yesterday to book an appointment with one of their specialists just to talk with them about it, and hopefully get a better idea of what it is that I'm experiencing. I was slightly pleasantly and slightly UNpleasantly surprised to find that a member of my bishopric, Kevin, is being trained this week to function as a new counselor. I really like this brother, but part of me would feel more comfortable talking to someone completely unconnected with me. Part of me is concerned that if I'm stressed and mention church AT ALL that it'll mean I'll get released from my calling in Primary because obviously I have a lot on my plate and can't handle it, and I don't want to feel like I got released because I complained. I know it doesn't quite make sense. I'm pleased at the same time, though, because I only have to drive 10 minutes rather than 50 to appointments, and as I said before, I know and respect this person already.

Anyway, I hope to see him soon, because I'm really struggling right now, and I think 99% of it is actually depression related, or maybe anxiety related.

I'm trying to remind myself to just get through today, just get through today, just get through today, but I am HORRIBLE at remembering things that I've learned! I need to write it down in big letters and put it on my mirror, on my fridge, IN my fridge, above the lightswitch, everywhere so that I remember.

Tomorrow I'm 5 weeks, and I'm starting to feel more relaxed and excited I think. Maybe because it's getting to be out of the danger zone if I were to miscarry due to a LPD. I had my progesterone tested yesterday, but I'm not going to call for the results until late tomorrow or Thursday. We're about to get Snowmageddon, and I don't even know if the labs will be open tomorrow!

I'm sorry to have complained my way through this post, I hope it wasn't too bad to read. Here's to a better tomorrow!