So, being the paranoid nut that I am, I've been doing some research. I figure that since I was between 13 and 17dpo for my blood draw, there should be some pretty comparable numbers out there, so I've been doing some comparing.
From what I've seen, my number is completely comparable, if not higher than a lot of people's initial beta at 14dpo. I mean, if you did a transfer and had a beta drawn at 11dp3dt, 179 would be a great number, right? Even for 16-17 dpo, which is what I assumed at the time I was, it's still a good number. Not something to be worried about at all.
And then the u/s...oh boy. I didn't even mention everything from the ultrasound because I was still reeling a bit, but at the ultrasound, the tech really didn't think I was further than 4 weeks along (this past thursday) and if this pregnancy was viable, that would make no sense, I should seem further. So that had me worried.
I didn't know at the time that the little circle/dot thingie I mentioned seeing was actually the gestational sac. The tech made it seem like she had no way to know what she was looking at. She said the pregnancy could be ectopic and she could be looking at a cyst. But I mean, really? Come on. Just because you can't see a yolk sac at 5 weeks, does not mean that's a cyst. From what I've read, you can't see the yolk sac until 5.5-6 weeks anyway. So to peg me at 4 weeks, and tell you can't see ANYthing? That's just silly. There was a good sized gestational sac, I know because I saw it. And I know what I saw because I compared online photos, and it is EXACTLY what I saw.
So I'm even more annoyed now because in all cases where they gave to me to think that I was not very far along, and even with the adjusted numbers to still question the viability of this pregnancy, they were wrong.
I know, one could say that the doctor and tech are probably right because they're the professionals, but I've lost confidence in what they tell me because of that one rather big mistake.
And when I say I've been doing research and comparisons, I mean, I've opened up countless blogs, compared what their beta numbers are, seen ultrasound photos and found out what gestational age they were, and found mine to be not behind at all, or at least not more than a day or two. I'm fine. Everything is fine.
But I'm angry now. All this stress, these repeat betas, this follow-up u/s, everything, is completely unnecessary, and is being read into too much. I mean, with Elijah when I had my dating ultrasound at 9 weeks, they said to change my due date by 3-4 days, as I seemed to be not as far along as I'd thought. No big deal at 9 weeks, right?
But at this point? 4 weeks or 5? Suddenly it's the end of the world, and my pregnancy is not viable? Give me a break.
I'm considering not going in for any more of it. I haven't booked the ultrasound yet, and I don't think I will, as roughly 2 days after it I'll have an appointment with my midwife who can assess the situation herself, and give me a dating ultrasound at an appropriate time. And I've already had 2 blood draws. I'll see if they're doubling, fine. But that's good enough to me, and really I just want them because I'm curious about the numbers. But not curious enough to get a sitter for Elijah Monday, Wednesday and Friday just because my doctor goofed and is now overly-cautious.
I know this a whiner post, I guess I'm trying to work out all of these feelings in writing. I think for my own sake I need to forget about it all. I'll get the numbers back from the betas, and then leave it, because even if I AM going to miscarry (which I really don't think I am) then this stress is pointless.
**sigh**
I wish there was more to say, but there isn't! I'm waiting to hear back about an appointment with the counselor to talk about my depression. Matt and I are working away at packing and are surprisingly on track for needing to move in 13 days. Elijah has been weaned and is slowly adjusting. He's sleeping through the night better than he ever has; he got up at 7:30 this morning, and we didn't need to get up ONCE throughout the night for him, it was awesome. I'm catching a bit of a cold. I have to do music time tomorrow at church for the little kids. I have my grad photos on Monday, and a project due on Tuesday that I haven't started yet. I'm meeting with some old friends from highschool on Thursday, and I'm pretty excited because all 4 of us are pregnant at the same time, and if I'm feeling a little more confident by then, I'll tell them so. Next Friday I'm going to the temple with Matt for the first time in ages. I'm so excited.
The point of all of my rambling? My life is good, and it's being clouded by this one trial. I need to not let it consume me, I need to move through it, and be happy during and not after the hard times. I need to rely less on the comfort provided by man-made methods, and rely more on the comfort that only Heavenly Father can give. It's hard to do, but probably (okay, most definitely) easier than continuing in such fear and worry. Why is it that we can know what is right and what will help us, and still struggle so much to do it?
Either way, I'm going to make a more concerted effort today to put my worries out of my mind and be happy NOW and not "when."
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