Some day. The pessimistic part of me says, "not today, nor tomorrow, nor the next day..." and I've pretty much given up trying to quelch that pessimistic voice, because it feels better than the optimistic one that builds me up in the morning, saying, "maybe today is the day!" only to tear me down later when nothing happens.
I know this may come off as whiny, but I'm beyond the point of caring. 9 days is a long time to go overdue, and I'm starting to freak out a little bit.
On Thursday I have a consult about being induced. I am beyond unimpressed, and had very high hopes that I wouldn't need my appointment and ultrasound 2 days ago, but I had them anyway. The appointment was boringly disappointing, and the ultrasound was pretty much perfect in terms of this little prince's comfortability level, which of course is a GREAT thing. It was my little shining star from Thursday, which was otherwise a dismal day.
But being 5 days away from needing to be induced is very daunting. Partly because it means actually being induced, and partly because it hits me how very very close this is. I'm wanting it every second of the day, and at the same time, I have a hard time picturing what "it" actually is and entails.
Matthew's and my life together will change. Right now, it is one way, and it has been that way for nearly 5 years. We're happy, comfortable, and know what to expect. But these days are numbered (quite literally) and our life is about to take a completely different turn than what we are used to. I know I signed up for this, but I can't help but feel anxious about the change. Mostly I try to not think about it, because I want the change, but that doesn't mean I'm unhappy with my life.
It's a weird place to be, being comfortable, but knowing that your life needs to change in order for it to keep moving forward. And then, not having any control over when it WILL change. If it's going to change, then I'd rather just DO it (it helps that the change involves a sweet little bundle of delicous baby-ness) than wonder when it will be thrust upon me.
Don't get me wrong, I know I'm not the only overdue pregnant woman to ever go crazy from anticipation, nor do I expect to be the last. I'm not looking for pity or for someone to pat me on the back and say, "there there, you goose! Do you know how short 5 days is???" Mostly I'm just organizing my thoughts because they're all jumbled up in my head and it hurts to think them out without writing them down.
Do you know what all of this reminds me of? It reminds me of when we were waiting to adopt. For the month or two before we found out I was pregnant I would wake up just about every morning and think, "maybe we'll get the call today..." and every time the phone would ring I would think, "maybe it's our CAS with a child for us..." It didn't help that we were getting calls from them about our worker changing, or setting up appointments, and so on. There were a lot of false alarms when their number would show up on the caller ID only for it to be something other than, "are you free to come into the office tomorrow? We have a child we'd like to discuss with you..." It's like how I feel pains in my stomach and get excited until I realize I just need to go pee.
With adopting, I felt out of control, like it was going to be any day, but I was at someone else's mercy and all I could do was busy myself and try to not think about it. THAT part was admittedly easier with adopting...it was easier to clear my mind of the fact that we were waiting for The Call when I wasn't carrying around the child-to-be in front of me, just shielded by an immovable covering. In so many other ways though, I feel just like that. The excitement, the anxiety, the "can I handle this??", the fear. Everything.
So what is the point to all of this rambling? The pill in all this jam, so to speak? I guess it's that I'm going nuts, I'm confused, I'm excited, I'm tired, I'm feeling anti-social, and I'm trying to remind myself that this little prince of mine is fine, healthy, and that he really will be here soon. Maybe not this day. Maybe not the next day.
But some day.
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