It's January, and my mind is reeling. It feels similar to when the calendar turned to April some 5 years ago, and I knew I would be getting married that month. My biggest feeling right now is utter disbelief. I'm having a hard time gathering my thoughts, so bear with me.
I think the source of my struggle lies in the fact that we've been waiting so long to have children. There was never a time when we were not actively trying to have kids, no breaks, nothing. I know that to some, 4 1/2 years of waiting is nothing. Take Sarah and Abraham, for example. But I bet even to them, 4 1/2 years felt like a long time when they were at that point.
Either way, my point is that we've been waiting. And waiting. And waiting....to the point where having children of our own has become this foreign idea, rather than a sure thing. When we got married, getting pregnant right away was a given. Then IVF was a given. Then adoption was a given. And after so much waiting, we realized that the only given is waiting some more, even where actually getting pregnant is concerned!
So what do you do when the elusive, long sought after, impossible dream becomes a reality? You sit down on your butt, plug your ears, and say, "I'm not listening!" In short, you disbelieve. And I'm pretty sure shock is involved somewhere too. Or maybe that's what all of this is.
Yeah, that makes sense. Shock.
It is 13 days until my due date. Soon it'll be single digits. I always envied the girls with the single digits! Going from triple digits to double was a pretty big deal to me, but this is bigger. Or smaller!
Anyway, I'm rambling in shock now. The point is, it's so close, and I'm about to be a mommy. I've always been excited that it's a boy, but now I'm a little scared. Boys don't like me. I mean, little boys like me, like toddlers and babies, but not big boys, like ages 4 or 5 and up. What if I'm a lame mom? What if they despise me? **sigh** I'm just not going to think about that right now. I find that if I think too far ahead into the future, I get overwhelmed. Like how and when am I possibly going to bake and do crafts and go on field trips with my kids? I don't have the energy for that!
So. It's January. It's also a new year, AND a new decade. I'd do one of those fun 'decade in review' things, but, quite frankly, I'm too embarrassed to tell you what I was doing in grades 10 through 13 of highschool. So instead, I'll do a year in review. Wait, no, that'll be boring too, especially because I haven't done a whole lot since I found out I was pregnant.
Wait, I've got it. I'll do highlights of 2009. Here are some of the best parts (still in semi-chronological order):
-teaching the Sunbeams at church (seriously, they were so much fun and I miss it)
-passing my grade 4 piano exam with flying colours (WOW that feels so long ago)
-going to visit Julia in Calgary in March, even if I WAS there during record-breaking cold weather!
-finishing my last semester of university with 3 90's and an 80 (did I mention that I had never got a 90 in university until that point??)
-getting my very own pretty camera and starting photography classes with Matthew. Even if the classes WERE dreadfully boring at times, I learned so much.
-finding out I'm pregnant days before Mother's Day. Ohh the tears, fears, joy and gratitude!
-going to girl's camp in July and canoeing like a rockstar. I was so proud.
-becoming an aunt for the second time to the cutest little baby boy ever (so far! ;)
-having ultrasounds and finding out we're having a boy
-finding out Aaron and Rachelle are expecting
-being completely overwhelmed by the love and support shown Matthew and I as I've been pregnant
-realizing just how amazing and loving my husband is. He's been such a strength to me this last year, and has been so supportive and understanding of pretty much every emotion I've gone through this last roller coaster of a year. I love looking back and recognizing how my love for him has grown.
There's so much more that I'm missing, I know there is, but my mind is starting to feel tired, just thinking about how much we've done this last year, so I'll just leave it at that.
As for 2010, I don't have any New Years resolutions. It's not that I don't believe in them, I think they're fun and great, and I'm all about dates and milestones and goals to work towards. It's just that I don't know what to expect from this next year. I know it'll be a good one, and I know that we're going to have a baby and that will just be...amazing. But what do I resolve? To be a good mom? I don't need New Years to resolve to do that. I don't feel like resolving to lose all of my pregnancy weight either, even though I intend to do that, just because, to make that a resolution would sortof be to say that I resent it now, which is silly, because I'm still pregnant. I don't want to focus on what's negative about my body, especially when my baby is still in there and needs me to be the way I am. Heck, he's making me the way I am!
I guess I just want this year to be a good one, like any other year. I want to love others, especially my husband and new baby, to be kind, to be more frugal so that we can make greater strides towards getting out of debt, to keep the house cleaner, to feel the spirit more, to strengthen my testimony, to strengthen my marriage, and to focus more on what is important, rather than being distracted by one hundred million worldy things.
Anyway, I've been rambling on here quite long enough, I think. I'm going to go pull my husband away from his new video game and spend some time with him on this lovely holiday that we have together.
Happy New Year!
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