Elijah's 16-month appointment

First, let me say that I'm feeling better about the Pippin rant from the other day. I recognize now (well, okay, I recognized then too) that I was 90% hormones and 10% introspectively thoughtful. Poor Matt! How much he has to deal with. I hold to the statement that I have ever made, which is that he likes THAT I am pregnant, he just doesn't like WHEN I am pregnant.

So anyway, today I had a doctor's appointment for Elijah. He missed his 15-month needles, but I don't feel too badly about it. He was sick, and then we were ridiculously busy this past month with vacations, weddings, showers, and the like. So he got the needles a month late, which is actually fine. He was SO good getting them done, but cried of course. He seemed to cry longer than previous times, but one of these went into his muscle, and those hurt. Poor baby.

Part of what prompted me to not delay booking his appointment is that I've been worried about Elijah's lack of speech. I know that some babies start to talk later than others, but I also studied linguistics, and I know that a baby should have their first word somewhere around their first birthday. I gave it a good 4 months afterwards, and still no identifiable first word.

So we talked about milestones today, and the doctor agreed that it's something to not overlook, and we're getting Elijah screened early on in case there IS a problem. The doctor doens't feel overly concerned at this point, especially because, as Elijah sat on the floor and played, she saw that he was completely normal for his age otherwise. I agreed, and asked her about a list of milestones he needs to hit by 18 months, and she said to just look online. So I came home and did so, and here's the list I found:

• Identify pictures in a book. (e.g. "Show me the baby")


• Use a variety of familiar gestures (e.g. such as waving, pushing, giving, reaching up).


• Makes at least four different consonant sounds (e.g. b,n,d,h,g,w).


• Say twenty or more words. (Words do not have to be clear.)


• Pick up and eat finger food.


• Walk up a few stairs or steps holding your hand.


• Show affection towards people, pets or toys.


• Look at you when you are talking or playing together.


• Follow directions using "on" and "under" (e.g. "Put the cup on the table")


• Point to at least three different body parts when asked (e.g. "Where is your nose?)


• Hold a cup to drink.


• Help with dressing by putting out arms and legs.


• Walk alone.


• Squat to pick up a toy and stand back up without falling.


• Push and pull toys or other objects while walking forward.


• Stack three or more blocks.


• Point to show you something.

I felt pretty good when I saw this list, because a lot of those things he's already doing. We need to work on things like labeling body parts, but I'm confident he CAN do it, we just never have before. I've never asked him to point to anything, let alone pictures in a book, but I know he has a good receptive vocabulary because of how well he interacts when playing, so we're just going to work on it. Obviously he needs work on the speech ones, but I'm expecting he'll be behind then, as he is now too.

And other than that, he's already mastered everything on that list! We're going to make more of an effort teaching him to use a spoon and drink out of a cup, as well as constantly labeling items, and I'm going to help him go downstairs more (hey, it's useful for ME too!) but yeah. Not as worried as I was before, which is nice. Because I was pretty worried.

And apparently, even having temper tantrums is a milestone by 18-months, and he's nailed that one! ;)

Can I just say I love this little boy so much? Even when that last sentence took me 2 minutes to type, because he keeps coyly trying to hit the keyboard, and is now crying because I pushed his hand away one too many times for his liking.

Oh, also (so I don't forget) his weight was 24 lb's, which the doctor is more than happy with. In her own words, he's "thriving" and should be up to the 50th percentile in no time at this rate. Huzzah! His head circumference (which means very little to me, as it's never been something they talked about) was 47 centimetres I think?

I should probably finish this up now, we have to go pick up Matt from work in 10 minutes. I just wanted to write all this down before I forgot it all.

Oh, and also, baby kicks? The greatest thing. I'm loving it, and they're getting so hard. And frequent! Every morning I wake up, it's to this baby kicking up a storm, announcing to me that she's awake too!

Life is so beautiful.

Pippin

This post will probably be blunt and anything but eloquent. I'm feeling sad and frustrated and more than a little angry and contentious right now, mostly because of how a conversation with Matt just precipitated.

Let me backtrack though.

Yesterday when I was driving home from Blockbuster I was thinking about Merry and Pippin, and how much I love them, and how I miss Pippin especially. I felt a great amount of sadness surrounding this, and when I was trying to fall asleep I thought about it more, hoping and praying to understand my feelings and receive some comfort.

I love Pippin. I had been frustrated by him so much when we had him, but whenever the topic of giving him away came up, I think that underneath it all, I was glad that Matthew always said we'd never give him away.

And then Matt thought about it and decided that it WAS good to give Pippin away. We acted on it, posted an ad on Kijiji, and within 24 hours he was gone, and I was in shock. It was what I wanted, wasn't it? Then why did I feel so much guilt and intense sadness?

While reviewing my feelings last night, I realized that, if we had been given more time to think about it, I would have likely decided in the end to not give Pippin away at that time, even if once we moved here we found it to be necessary anyway. I feel bad for transplanting him out of his home and all he was familiar with, and I feel like it was my impatience and annoyance that caused the end decision. Matt has said repeatedly that he decided to give Pippin away because it'd be better for me, that he saw how annoyed I was getting and thought it was for the best. Even if he is right, I feel like that adds a huge burden of guilt to me, when I'm already feeling sad and guilty about it as it is.

In the end, I'm just sad about it. I miss my dog, and a part of me wishes we still had him, even if it'd have been impossible to keep him once we moved to the apartment we're in now.

So. I'm feeling these sad feelings, and I didn't want them bottled up anymore. I wanted to talk with Matt about it last night, and snuggle and be comforted, but we went to bed so late, so I decided to talk about it some other time, that time being this morning.

All I really wanted was validation for my feelings. I wanted to talk and cry and be hugged, and hear, "it's okay, I know you're sad about it. I miss Pippin too. I know you know it was the right thing, but it's okay to still feel the hurt and sadness you do." But instead Matt rattled off every reason I already KNEW as to why it was a good idea, as if I still needed convincing, and then asked me what I wanted to DO about how I was feeling. I understand that this is just how men think. They don't really talk to just put their feelings out there and to relieve that burden, they talk to fix problems. It's the classic, age-old conundrum. So I guess I should have been clear to begin with that I only wanted and needed to talk about it, but it upset me so much because everything I tried to say, to convince Matt that I really REALLY just wanted to sit there and be sad about it for a few moments, he kept mentioning his logic this, and our reasons that, for giving Pippin away, which only made it hurt more and more. And then I got frustrated and yelled at him to just be quiet and leave me alone for a few minutes, so of course the anger wiped out every other feeling, and I'm left feeling completely dissatisfied, like I didn't get my cry, and those feelings are still there and are not understood and remain unvalidated, and like it was worse than it was before I opened my big fat mouth.

I just feel so hurt, because ALL I wanted to was to be sad about it. That's all. And the more and more I tried to explain that, the further and further from that the topic became.

Anyway, this post is just my attempt to sort my feelings out WITHOUT the help of someone listening. I guess it was my hope that I wouldn't NEED to talk with Matt to get it off my chest, but instead I feel just as upset and frustrated as when I started. This hurts. And it sucks. The end.

Elijah

Ohhhh how I love my sweet Elijah. This post is just for him and his wonderfulness.

First, may I just say that I'm really appreciating the 2.5-3 hour naps? It makes our days together so much easier!

Also, you go down sooo well! You might fuss for a few minutes, but nothing major. I lay you in your crib and put your blanket on you, and then you promptly lift your legs, hoist the blanket off of your feet and onto your chest, bunch it up and then snuggle it. You don't generally sleep with the blanket on nowadays, it's always in a ball that you're hugging or sleeping on. SO cute. Then when we get you up, lately you have been handing us your soother before you even get out of the crib. I love it!

Today, Elijah, you figured out how to climb, and I'm not too impressed, but I'm proud of you anyway! You climbed onto the chair I was using to block the screen door. You love opening and closing the screen door and hate that we cover it, but I'm afraid you'll fall onto the deck, so I block it, but you weren't having any of that today! It was a little scary because at that height you could also climb over the baby gate and fall down the stairs, so we're going to have to find another solution to the screen door problem. Also today, though, you were reading your book with me, and you climbed up on the couch where we were resting the book so that you could see it better. You then proceeded to crawl back and forth across the couch. You also love getting on mommy and daddy's bed and standing on it, you think it's the funniest thing.

You love your puzzles and are getting so good at them! You can put all the numbers in the right place, and you've stopped flipping the vehicles upside-down, so now you can do that one too! Sometimes you get a little frustrated and throw a fit when a piece isn't working.

You love holding the play phone and the real phone up to your ear and smiling. You also hold it up to ours and want us to talk on the phone. I play along and have conversations with Nana and Santa Claus, but you get really mad when I don't have anything else to say and hand the phone back to you. It's pretty funny.

Elijah, you are still such a picky eater! We offer you all sorts of foods, but you're determined to only like breads, fruits, and the occasional helping of chicken. Your breakfast consists of an egg, a piece of toast, and a banana. Lunch lately has been Smart Kraft Dinner (so that we get that hidden helping of veggies into you!) covered in ketchup, and then raspberries. Dinner is tough, and it changes all the time. We usually offer you what we're eating, but you never want it. You don't even want blackberries and blueberries nowadays! I don't get you, kid. You've been getting really upset if I have something with milk in it and I don't share it with you though, like ice-cream or cookies. It's really sad, and I WANT to give you  some, but can't. I can't wait until this milk allergy is past. Your absolute favourite food is bananas, and you could eat 4 a day if we were to let you.

You love the Backyardigans still, but I've been trying to keep it off during the day. We have such good days when we ignore the t.v. and play together. Even when I'm doing the dishes, you'll play on the floor behind me. You bring me your toys, and then play with them, or you take the spices out of the drawer and line them up along the bench.

You LOVE your daddy's belts, and carrying them around. You help daddy put his socks on every morning by holding on of his socks, and then waiting patiently until he's done putting them on, at which point you go over and push your nose against his foot. You like to help daddy push the buttons on the blender every morning, and you love when daddy puts the big, blue blanket over his head and hides from you. You crawl at it and worm your way in, and then laugh hysterically.

You are fascinated by toilets, and like putting your hands in the water. It's pretty gross, especially after the other day when a friend of ours forgot to flush, and so there was pee and toilet paper in the water. Ewww!! You like to open mommy's drawer with perfume, deodorant and sunscreen in it. You pull everything out and line it up on the toilet seat.

You're getting better and better at following instructions. You leave the bathroom when I say "out now!" and you bring things that you're holding to us if we ask. Sometimes when you want more food and I sign "More please" you do the sign for it too, and you love to clap. When we're walking, you don't like to hold my hand, but when we get near a step you turn to me and reach up your hand for me to take. It melts my heart! Then, once I've helped you up the stairs, you throw my hand down because you want to walk on your own!

You're getting to be so good at climbing the stairs. Whenever I catch you doing it at Nana and Papa's, you all of sudden laugh and start climbing really fast. You're figuring out how to get down the stairs too, but it's more of a controlled-slide, as I like to call it. You lay on your tummy and you flop down the stairs, one-by-one. I still have to help you though, because sometimes you turn around and want to go down face-first.

You started trying to use a spoon yesterday, and I'm so proud of how well you did! Sometimes you'd put the food on the spoon with your fingers, and then try to  put the spoon in your mouth, but you'd always flip the spoon and lose half of what's on it!

You like to read with me, but only certain books. You like Goodnight Moon, and your 100-First-Vehicles books, as well as the slide-and-find ones. Sometimes you'll pay attention to others, but not long enough to sit on my lap while we're reading.

You love your Thomas trains, and we so dearly want to get you a Thomas the Train table for them. Sometimes you get upset when you put the wrong ends together so the magnets don't stick together, but you'll figure it out soon.

You like to sweep the floor with the broom, and you love playing with the vacuum cord. You love to pull all of your blankets off of the shelf, and then roll in them. You love walking uninhibited, like through a mall. You throw the meanest temper tantrums, complete with thrashings, rolling, and throwing yourself on the floor. I try so hard not to laugh when you do it, because it's just so silly and funny. Usually it's over the silliest of things!

Lately you've been so cuddly! You'll go up to strangers and hug their legs, look up and realize it's not me or daddy, and then run away!

When you're sleepy and we're changing your bum, you like to scrunch up your eyes and nose and put your hands to your face. You love when we tickle your feet and pretend to bite your belly. You think it's really funny when we put Zincofax on your bum; I think it tickles you a little.

You cry when your daddy leaves for work every morning, and you're so excited when he comes home. You even recognize the sound when someone comes up our steps outside, and you run to the gate to see who it is.

You like to splash in the water at Nana and Papa's, and to play with their phone. Every time the phone rings anywhere, you have to run and see the light flash.

Lately you've been very interested in balls, and have tried to kick them, but mostly you start kicking a few feet away, and have already kicked the air 3 or 4 times before you make it to the ball.

We're waiting for you to start talking, and can't wait until you do! Sometimes when you're sad it sounds like you're saying "Mama" but I'm not sure. Daddy said you imitated him saying "vroom vroom" the other day when playing with cars. I want to hear it too!

We love you so very much, Elijah. You mean the world to daddy and I, and every day we are so grateful to be your parents. Don't ever stop being the sweetest and most loveable boy I've ever seen!

21w0d

How Far Along: 21w0d

Weight Gain: +8lb...gaining it too quickly at this point. Maybe I should blame it on the wedding this past weekend?? I'm starting to run out of excuses.

Stretch Marks: None new.

Maternity Clothes: You bet!

Symptoms: Easily winded, stuffy nose, always tired.

Sleep: My nose is almost completely blocked by morning, but if I sniffle too much it wakes Elijah! Sad day.

Best Moment of the Week: None in particular, it was just a good week! We had the wedding, Joel and Heidi visited, Rachelle and Terrah are still here, it's just been good.

Movement: Lots and lots, and it's getting harder too.

Food cravings: Watermelon, raspberries.

Gender: A girl!

What I Miss: The ability to try to lose weight. Matt is going on a weight-loss challenge, and I want to as well, but I have to wait. That's okay though, I'll be able to think about all of that later.

What I’m Looking Forward To: My next mw appointment next week, viability at 24 weeks, getting to the every-other-week-appointments part of this pregnancy!

Milestones: Being in the 20's, Matt feeling this little girl kick on the outside the other day!

Emotions: Ugh, I've been a roller-coaster. I think I feel drained from how busy this past week (or should I say MONTH) has been, and I just kind of melted down for no particular reason on Sunday. :P The last couple of days have been really good, relaxing ones though, so huzzah for that!

And the 21-week picture. I'm still not seeing a huge difference week-to-week, but I think the baby does a ton of growing in the next month, so maybe I should just do comparisons every 4 weeks to make myself feel better?

Here's 21 weeks:



And, just for fun, a comparison shot:



Left is 17w0d, right is 21w0d. So, yeah! Lots of growth when I look at it that way!

I'm finishing this post up on 21w1d, but I have a couple things to add. First, this little girl has mostly been kicking low. Like, if I hold up my pudgy belly at the bottom, then that's where she kicks, even though my uterus is about 4 centimetres above my belly button. But then today, at random, I start to feel this hard kicks up at the top of my uterus and to the far right! It was so cool, realizing how high she is! And the other cool thing was that, when I watched where my fingers were pressing I could actually see my stomach moving. I love it!

Anyway, I'm going to wrap this up as I have a post or two I still wanted to do today.

20w0d, or half-way!

How Far Along: 20w0d

Weight Gain: +5lb (Phew, no weight gain on my weekend away! That makes up for the inexplicable +4 lb's from last week...)

Stretch Marks: None new, although I'm noticing the ones on my thighs some more now.

Maternity Clothes: You bet!

Symptoms: Easily winded, swollen ankles (!) stuffy nose, sick to my stomach if I don't eat frequently.

Sleep: Great actually, my aches and pains aren't really bothering me lately. I just get up once or twice to go pee.

Best Moment of the Week: Feeling the kicks on the outside for the first time, at 19w3d.

Movement: I'm feeling a lot of movement now, and it's getting a little higher, although she seems to always kick me below the belly button, leading me to believe she prefers life head-up, and is tap-dancing on my lower abdomen.

Food cravings: Milk again, bacon (but not the junk that they put on McDonald's hamburgers. I want the real stuff!) English muffins, french fries. Healthy huh?

Gender: A girl!

What I Miss: Not worrying, but I worried even before I got pregnant, so this is a long-standing thing to miss.

What I’m Looking Forward To: Matt being able to feel this little one on the outside, viability at 24 weeks.

Milestones: Half-way there! Also, feeling kicks on the outside.

Emotions: Happy, glad to be home, so grateful for my dear husband, son, and little baby.

[caption id="attachment_766" align="aligncenter" width="200" caption="20w0d, or half-way there! That is, unless I go two weeks overdue again..."][/caption]

So I suspected that my ankles had started to swell occasionally, but this past weekend when we were at Banff, I noticed on our way back to the car that my feet were sore. I checked when we got there, and sure enough, if I pushed on my left ankle, the indentation would stay for a few seconds. They were pretty swollen, while (like pretty much everything else) happened 3 weeks later than this with Elijah. It seems everything is following this 3-weeks-earlier pattern.  Swelling ankles, feeling unmistakable movement, feeling it on the outside. Just, everything.

I went to the spa at Banff this past weekend, and it was a lot of fun! I'd have liked to go when I'm not pregnant though, I felt like I was constantly worrying about this baby. I didn't want to stay in the eucalyptus room too long, couldn't go in the sauna, hot-tub or hot pool, felt anxious spending too long in the warm pool, and only spent about 5 minutes in the mineral pool. I felt like she wasn't kicking as much that day which worried me, and my tummy hurt for a bit, but in reality both things were probably a result of me being busy, so I didn't notice the kicks, and my tummy muscles were stretching and giving out from all of the activity of the day.

I have more to write about my trip and this past week, but I just realized I'm sleepy, so even though Elijah has been down for 1 hour and 45 minutes already, I'm going to try to get a little sleep in before he wakes up. More to come later.

What's different?

So, knowing now that I'm having a girl combined with having been pregnant with a boy before, I can freely compare the two pregnancies and look for those tell-tale signs that girls' pregnancies are different from boys'.

The thing is, I haven't noticed many differences. It was actually this fact alone that made me feel that, even though I wanted it to be a girl, and my gut was saying "girl" I felt I must be deceived, it was really a boy (which, as an aside, would have been amazingly beautiful and exciting too. For the record.)

I guess I'm just a sucker for the old wives' tales!

With Elijah, his heartrate started in the 160's, and tapered off to the 130's to 140's for the majority of the pregnancy. This baby's has followed the same trend.

With Elijah I craved sweets. With this baby, I crave sweets.

With Elijah I was sooo tired. This time, I am so tired.

With Elijah I carried high. With this baby, I think I'm carrying high (although, it's still hard to tell, as I'm showing much more than I was with Elijah at 19 weeks.)

The entire pregnancy has been pretty much the same with the small exception of nausea. With Elijah I felt SO little morning sickness. It bugged me slightly at times, but mostly I just didn't feel it. With this baby, until about week 10 or 11 I felt nauseous all evening. I guess it was "bad" but I never threw up. I lost a couple pounds from not wanting to eat anything, and while I thought to myself, "I didn't know what nausea was when I was pregnant with Eli! Who was I kidding?!" I still knew it was not nearly as bad as it could be, and as bad as I pictured it to be if it were to indicate a different gender.

So, all in all, everything has been so very similar.

Oh! And one last thing. The Chinese gender chart thingie said Elijah would be a boy (he was) and that THIS baby would be a boy too (and she's not!) **As an aside, I had to go back and edit this part, because originally it said "And they're not!" rather than, "And she's not!"  I'm still SO not used to using the female pronoun and wrapping my mind around this little identity. **

So there, that's my summary (to date.)

In the end, I guess I already knew the old wives tales didn't matter, as Matt's mom had wildly different pregnancies with each of her kids, and lo and behold, all were boys.

Anyway, I should wrap this up as Elijah and I need to head out to St. Catharines to get a tie for the wedding next weekend! YAY!

19w0d

How Far Along: 19w0d

Weight Gain: +5lb (I seriously have no idea how I gained 4 lb's in one week alone. Maybe it's my new-found love for bagels with cream cheese??)

Stretch Marks: Hmm...I'm pretty sure after my ultrasound yesterday I saw a new one, but I'll have to check it now. It was pretty bright red and new looking though. **Edit - it wasn't a stretch mark. I think it was from the seam of the hospital gown being pressed in because that's where my arm was resting for the 45 minutes. So, same as last week, nothing new!**

Maternity Clothes: Totally, and I need another pair of capris. It's getting warm here!

Symptoms: I get short of breath really quickly now, but apart from that I am feeling strangely un-pregnant.

Sleep: Great when I manage to get to bed on time, and Elijah lets us sleep past 6am!

Best Moment of the Week: By FAR when we found out we're having a GIRL! Next to that, I'd have to say, the rest of the ultrasound experience, and getting out of the house all day Monday. It was a loooong week last week, and I was feeling pretty cooped up until Monday.

Movement: Feeling it every day, sometimes stronger than others, and still rather low. I know my uterus has risen above my belly button, but most kicks I feel are still down by the pubic bone.

Food cravings: Brownies, spinach dip with pumpernickel bread, chocolate chip bagels, other bagels with cream cheese.

Gender: It's a GIRL!

What I Miss: Nothing comes to mind.

What I’m Looking Forward To: My Calgary trip this weekend, shopping there for fun girly things, and being half-way there in just one week! Where has time gone??

Milestones: Anatomy scan and finding out the gender!

Emotions: Overwhelmingly grateful, irritable and weepy.

[caption id="attachment_743" align="aligncenter" width="200" caption="19w0d"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_744" align="aligncenter" width="200" caption="And because I feel like having my head in the shot all of a sudden makes my belly look bigger, here's one showing my face (and my new haircut! I likey.)"][/caption]

I'm doing this right now to cheer me up because, while I had a wonderful morning with my girlfriends, the afternoon has been a little tough. I've cried twice for silly little things, and I just need a pick-me-up. Fortunately, Elijah is still sleeping...I was worried he wouldn't go back down for his nap after starting it in the car and waking up when we got home. Now I'm starting to worry about picking Matt up on time from work, because he has home teaching tonight at 6:15, and we need to have dinner still.

Also, may I just say that these ants are driving me insane? That is all.

Anatomy Scan and The Great Gender Reveal

Today we had our 20-week scan done (except I'm 18w6d today, so it was done a little early. :)   I slept better the night before this ultrasound than I did before Elijah's anatomy scan (see here and here,) but I still had crazy dreams. In one of them I gave birth to a preemie who was the length of my hand and completely white. They were alive though, and I managed to breastfeed them (despite their tiny head) and I even gave them a bath in a cup of milk! Yeah, weird dreams I tell you.

The tech was soooo nice and renewed my confidence in the sonography skills of people in my town. I'd go back there in a heartbeat.

The screen was tilted towards me a fair bit which it never has been before, and I got to watch the whole thing. It was amazing, the things she could manage to measure, and the fact that these measurements are actually indicators of a healthy or unhealthy baby. Modern technology is such a miracle.

The tech never told me what she was doing, but I could follow along pretty well, so at the beginning when she first checked and measured the genitals, I had a pretty good guess as to the gender, but I didn't say anything for fear that I'd be right and have found out when Matthew wasn't in the room. I wanted to share that moment together.

Seriously, though, this tech was awesome. I would guess at what she was measuring and she'd tell me, and we'd have conversations about what she's checking for and what it indicates, blah blah blah. I think she was impressed with my knowledge because at one point she asked if I was a health care professional or something, and I laughed and said, "No, I just like to do my research."

When she was done with the measurements (which took 40 minutes! Baby was not moving around a whole lot and some shots were tough) she brought Matthew and Elijah in and we got to see the baby from all sorts of angles, moving on the screen, etc, and then she showed us what they look for with the gender. At this point baby's knees were together, so it was a little more difficult to tell than before, but we were still able to clearly see the three lines in between the legs that indicate A GIRL.

Yes, that's right. This baby is a girl. I'm going to have a daughter. My mind is completely blown by this fact. We hoped we'd have a girl this time, but I didn't really expect to. Maybe because I'm used to what it feels like, knowing I'm having a boy? And then actually having a boy?

But WHOA. A girl.

Cute little aside here. We were watching Tangled this morning before leaving, and on our way to the u/s Matt said, "Watching that movie really makes me want to have a daughter." I reminded him that other movies could just as easily make him want to have a son, but he felt convinced that it wouldn't evoke the same emotions as having a daughter does. I know what he means, though. It's not to say that the emotions surrounding a daughter are better than a son, they're just different. Watching Peter Pan makes me want my little boy for all the little boyish reasons, like rough and tumble and pirates and indians, and kissing their bruises and tucking them into bed at night, whereas Anne of Green Gables or Tangled makes me want this little girl for all the girlish reasons, like puffed sleeves, secret admirers, braided hair, and sweet and winsome ways.

So anyway, after the ultrasound, I said to Matt, "watching Tangled will take on a whole new meaning now, huh?" and he said, "I don't know if we can watch it anymore now!" because that sweet little baby girl gets taken from her family and it'd be too real to us now. Ahhh my cute husband.

I'm still trying to wrap my mind around this. I feel so abundantly blessed that words are failing me to express it, and so, I'll end with a couple photos and brief details of the u/s.

[caption id="attachment_726" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Little hand above the head, and knees tucked up. The dark space in the chest is her heart, which was beating at 143 bpm."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_727" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Both legs and feet seen here, and a good, clear profile. "][/caption]

Oh, and one last detail to include. Most of the measurements were 19w4d, 19w6d, 19w2d, etc. One was 18w6d, which is how far along I am, so we're just saying I'm measuring right on track. October 5th, here we come!

***Post edit: here's how we told my mom! It'll be her first grand-daughter, and she cried when she saw this!***

Mother's Day

Ahhh, Mother's Day. A wonderful and beautiful day, and terrible and sad one at the same time.

On the one hand, it's a sweet way and time to recognize your mother and all she has done for you, and to be recognized and loved on by your children as they make an effort to behave, not fight, render you service and generally express their love.

On the other hand, it's really no different than Valentine's Day, Thanksgiving, or any other non-religious holiday. I guess any holiday for that matter. Why should we wait until Valentine's Day to tell our significant other that we love them? Thanksgiving to count our blessings and remember all we're grateful for? Remembrance Day to remember those who sacrificed so much for us? And on a religious scale, Christmas to remember the Saviour's birth and His beautiful mission? Easter to remember His mission in this life, His atonement, His Resurrection?

On a Mother's Day note, shouldn't we always let our mothers know we love them? Shouldn't children always try to not fight and give service (even if the execution is a little lacking?)

I realize that it's an awful lot to remember every day of the year, but at the same time I'm left feeling like this day is wonderful, and yet extremely commercialized to the point where it loses much of its special-ness.

And maybe my irritation is rooted in a comment someone made recently about how Mother's Day is not just a day, it's a season, with weeks, nay, months leading up to it. It's so true!

And for someone grieving the loss of children or the inability to have children, it is a very bittersweet day, or sometimes just plain bitter.

I know there are many people who have opted to simply not go to church on Mother's Day because it was too painful and difficult to hide their emotions while in front of so many people. I completely understand this, and wished many times to do this, but never actually did.

See, I felt that Heavenly Father had given me this trial, and that I needed to do everything I could to be okay with it, to not avoid spiritual experiences like partaking of the sacrament and serving in my callings. I know a part of me worried that, if I refused to do these things by not going to church, then I would disqualify myself from the very blessings I was mourning that Sunday. I wanted to do everything right before Heavenly Father and have confidence that I had done my part, and that Heavenly Father would bless me for my faith and obedience.

So I went, and it hurt. A lot, at time. The worst was actually the first Mother's Day since Matt and I had started trying. We had been trying with no success for 9 months by then, and at one point there were 5 women in my ward with big pregnant bellies. It was hard!

That Sunday, our beloved (and sometimes oblivious, but well-meaning) Bishop had a ton of flowers. He asked all mothers in the congregation to stand, so that the Young Men and Women could bring them a flower. Then he asked all those who were soon to be mothers (as in, all the still-pregnant women) to stand for THEIR flower. Then, as an afterthought, all the women/girls who would someday be mothers were asked to stand. I stood then, but it was so awkward. I felt like everyone was looking at me, and all I wanted to do was cry or scream, but instead I was passed a flower along with the 10-year-olds. It's probably silly, but the pain of it still smarts sometimes. And really, if that was your intent, why not ask everyone to stand at the same time? Why seperate people into these categories, and further remind those who are suffering that they don't have what all these women who had already stood have? Big ouch. Needless to say, the flower-idea (though sweet and well-meaning) was never repeated.

So on Mother's Day, my heart still hurts with many of those hurts that are deeply rooted. They don't sting as much as they used to, but my remembrance of that time is so present, especially when I personally know people who are still in the trenches of it.

And yet.....and yet this day is a time of great joy for me as well. It's so opposite! My "first" Mother's Day was technically last year, when Elijah was 3.5 months old, but I feel like my first one was really 2 years ago.

2 years ago yesterday I had my first ever positive pregnancy test, and our sweet little Elijah officially entered our lives. Mother's Day was just 3 days later, and for the first time, Mother's Day was a time of celebrating. I remember being asked at church by Matt's mom if I was doing okay. I responded cheerfully saying I was "fine!" I know she wondered at why I was so upbeat on such a day, as she didn't know yet that I was pregnant, but for the first time I didn't feel like crying or disappearing into a hole when I entered the chapel.

So for the most part, my pain was washed away, and this day really DID become a day of rejoicing, of celebrating mothers and the fact that I'm a mother too. I felt so cliche, but grateful.

I have a hard time, however, reconciling these two emotions within me. I love Mother's Day. I've been (not-so) subtly reminding Matt for weeks that Mother's Day was coming up, because now that I CAN celebrate, darnit, I WANT to!

And yet, my heart hurts for those I love who do not have children, and for whom this day is still difficult. It reminds me of how I was incredibly insensitive, FORGOT that it was Mother's Day, and spilled the pregnancy beans to said loved one, a regret I can never shake, and just a little bit hate myself for.

So there. That's my Mother's Day schpeel. Now that I have it off of my chest, I will proceed to enjoy this day that I have waited oh so long for, and not let my past bitterness seep into the niceness of today.

And it HAS been a nice day so far, even if I'm staying home from church with a recovering Elijah, who decided to get up at 6am!

It's been a good morning so far though. Because we were up early, I got to spend a little extra time with Matt than I'd have otherwise done before his 8am meeting. He gave me two wonderful cards, one from him (perfect and sentimental) and one from Elijah, featuring a drawing and cuteness. Then he gave me the following Willowtree figure:

...and I'm not going to lie, I cried a little when I saw it. He also gave me this cute placard that says "Home" on it, and a gift card to this store at our local mall that sells all sorts of classic and pretty decorative things.

I went next door with Elijah and had breakfast there, and now we have a quiet day planned. I'm going to nap when Elijah does, shower this afternoon, play a board game with Matt when he comes home, and then go next door again for hamburgers and leftovers from the shower yesterday for dinner. It'll be low-key, and I love low-key.

Anyway, I should finish this, but I do sincerely wish all mothering hearts everywhere, from every walk of life, a wonderful and blessed Mother's Day. I hope it finds you happy and joyful, and in remembrance of Heavenly Father's love for each one of His daughters.

Randoms of Elijah, and Rob and Kira

I'd love to say Elijah is doing better, and I suppose he is, but today has still been rough. We tried feeding him and letting him drink this morning (45 minutes after we gave him a gravol suppository, mind you) and still he puked it all up, ate some more, then puked that all up too. So we went to ER, got seen by a really nice doctor who doesn't think he has an ear infection at all, but instead things it's a stomach bug, and told us to keep doing what we're doing, even if he pukes it up, because he's on the mend and will still get fluids digested even if it seems like he's puking it all up. Which kindof reminds me of when I'd nurse him and he'd puke, and then I was assured that he actually pukes less than it looks like, and not near as much as he ate. So that was reassuring.

I tried giving him some Pedialyte as per the doctor's recommendation, but no dice. I have some Pedialyte freezer pops, and we're just waiting for them to freeze before trying those. If he doesn't take them, then we just keep on with the small amounts of liquid every now and then.

It's so sad though! He is just so miserable, WANTS to eat, but doesn't want anything we have (apparently) and is tired and frustrated. He's sleeping right now, so that's good news. We're not to get too worried unless this keeps up for the next 2 days. If he's still having trouble by Sunday we're to take him back to the hospital.

So I'm trying to be optimistic. I don't feel nearly as doom and gloom as I felt last night, just sad and tired from all of this. It's been a long 4 days.

Here's a picture from Tuesday morning, before we knew he was sick, when we just thought it was cute that he was so sleepy and snuggly:

[caption id="attachment_696" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Snuggling in the pillow pile daddy made for him, while watching Backyardigans."][/caption]

We are seriously going to need to wean this kid off of Backyardigans once he's through with this sickness, because it's his comfort blanket, and he can sit contentedly, just snuggled up to us, for a while if that show is on, but if we put ANYthing else in, whether it's one of our movies or, goodness forbid, the Wiggles, he's throwing a fit and crying while trying to claw open the cupboard so he can turn it back to the Backyardigans, darnit!

And just because it's cute and it took me a few days to get it off the camera, here's a picture from a week ago:

This day he had fallen asleep in the car too soon for it to be naptime, so I carried him up the stairs and set him down on his feet, but he slumped on to his bum, looked around dazedly, and then flopped over on the carpet at the top of the stairs and slept. Cutest thing ever!

I didn't manage to get the wheelbarrow pictures up from last Saturday so I'll do it now:

[caption id="attachment_698" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="We threw a towel in so he wouldn't get too dirty, and then Matt ran around the yard."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_700" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="He loved it!!!"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_699" align="aligncenter" width="200" caption=""What do you call this thing again, Mama?""][/caption]

Cute cute little boy. AND he's been sleeping for 1hour and 45 minutes now, so hopefully he's doing well too. No crying yet, which means he must be keeping down the piddly amount of bread and juice he had.

So on Wednesday when I was feeling sick and Elijah was just awful, my brother-in-law and his fiance were in town. They'd been in town since Sunday, and had asked me that day if I could take some photos of them to put on the tables at their reception in a couple weeks, and I agreed, but it turned out that Monday and Tuesday it rained all day long so by Wednesday, when Kira was going back, they were pretty anxious to get it done. I was feeling sick though, and at first said I couldn't, but then later when I felt a little better I realized I really WANTED to take them, and I'm glad I did. It took 20 minutes of picture-taking, and another 45 of photo-editing, and voila!









Aren't they so cute though?!

Sometimes I feel really insecure about my photography skills, but then I remind myself that I would love to have these very same photos but only of Matt and I, and if I did, then I'd display them in my house. And that makes me feel better. :) Mostly I just am non-confrontational, and feel a lot of anxiety surrounding directing people. I also worry that my ability to perform won't match their expectations of me and their hopes of what they want to achieve. In this case, I'm so relieved to know that it worked out! Next up is their wedding that both Matt and I will be working on (so long as someone else is chasing Elijah around...haha) and after that I have my friends Dave and Farrah who wanted me to take a stab at a family photo of them.

Anyway, I'm going to finish this up and check on the little man.

P.S. Holy MOLY this baby is kicking so much! Often when my chest has been feeling heavy with worry about Elijah, I feel this baby kick and kick, and the unease melts away. It's such a miracle, and I remember it more easily in those instances. Heavenly Father is watching over my family. I know it.

Worried about Elijah

Yes, two posts in one day. I just need somewhere to get this out of me because I am starting to get so worried.

It might be boring, but I need to get our day down. This morning when Elijah woke up his fever was 38.3, which is an improvement from the 39.1 that it was yesterday all day. We forced some Tempra and antibiotics into him, although I know he didn't get the full dosage of the medicine because he can't stand it.

This morning he seemed okay, happy even, playing a little, not needing to be held, eating a teeny bit (just crackers, a little bit of juice) until 10:45 when he needed to be held, got all loopy and floppy, and generally lethargic. I couldn't tell if it was because he was tired or dehydrated. I got my mother-in-law to come over while he snoozed so I could go to the pharmacy and talk to the pharmacist about to give him to get him rehydrated.

I came home with this powder stuff that apparently works like Pedialyte, and with Gravol suppositories to help keep stuff down. I gave him the suppository and some Tempra again and 1/2 an hour later he seemed like a new man. He smiled for the first time in days, didn't need to snuggle, didn't even seem tired, and was playing once more.

I put him down for a nap at 2:20, he slept until 5, and was happy and fine. I checked his temperature, and for the first time in days it was normal (36.7 underarm.) He had some more juice and when Matt got home I ran out to the store. Apparently, while I was gone, he ate a bite of strawberry and proceeded to puke up all the juice he had had. Great.

He had some more juice this evening (aside, I noticed that he felt warm again for some reason,) and we were just waiting for the Gravol suppository to kick in to give him his antibiotics and juice before bedtime. Well, he wouldn't have anything to do with the antibiotics once more. We literally had to pin him down and force his mouth open to get any in. He gagged some out, and then all of a sudden was puking large amounts all over himself and Matt, and screaming at the top of his lungs.

So Matt gave him a bath, tried to give him some more juice, and put him to bed, where he fell asleep without a fuss.

****Big sigh***

So I know that he probably just puked the large amount before bed because the antibiotics made him gag, but I feel so frustrated, worried and helpless. That's one dosage of the antibiotics that he didn't get a THING out of, now he's going to bed on an empty stomach with no fluids to speak of today, given that he can't keep them down. I feel like an awful parent for forcing the medicine into him only to have him puke it AND everything else he desperately needs right back up. And Matt's frustrated too, which just adds even more to my raw feelings.

And so, of course, my mind starts down the worry path. Is he going to be okay? Are we going to have to take him to the hospital? Is he going to have a bad night? My mind also thinks the terrible thoughts like, Is he going to die in his sleep? Is this the beginning of the end? But I try so so SO hard to not dwell on those thoughts because they are so debilitating. I am just so very scared and worried. It's probably nothing, it's probably just an ear infection that he's having a hard time getting over, but I don't know what to do for him, and if I'm not managing to do ANYTHING for him, then is he going to get worse and worse? What do I do? When do I take him to the hospital?

This is awful. It's been such a yo-yo day, and I feel emotionally drained, and afraid to go to bed, because my thoughts and fears will haunt me. I'm trying to push the thoughts out, change the topic of them, distract myself (yeah, this blog post is probably not helping) but I always have this lingering uneasiness.

GAH I'm going to go and do something that will REALLY distract me.

18w1d

How Far Along: 18w1d

Weight Gain: +1lb

Stretch Marks: Nothing new

Maternity Clothes: Totally, with the exception of a few non-maternity tops that are empire-waisted

Symptoms: Sleepy, stuffy nose, joint pains, sciatic pain. Also, my pelvic floor muscles are killing me.

Sleep: Better lately, my joints haven't been hurting as bad. I've had to get up 3-4 times to go pee lately though, so I'm wondering if I have a UTI.

Best Moment of the Week: Hearing the heartbeat

Movement: More and more, and unmistakable at this point, probably because they're getting stronger. It makes me wonder how I couldn't feel Elijah until 19 weeks, because even for a 1st-timer it would be unmistakable. Maybe I had an anterior placenta with him??

Food cravings: Milk, chocolate werthers, cucumber with cheese, french fries, caesar salad.

Gender: I think it's a girl, even though everything points towards boy.

What I Miss: Nothing comes to mind.

What I’m Looking Forward To: Finding out the gender on Tuesday!

Milestones: 18 weeks feels like a milestone for some reason. Maybe because I have my anatomy ultrasound at 18w6d? Who knows!

Emotions: Excited, curious about this baby and who they are.

So I didn't do this yesterday when I turned 18 weeks pregnant because Elijah and I were both sick. I had a sore throat, headache, and was so tired, while Elijah was just awful. He puked a few times, barely ate anything, was sluggish, quiet, didn't want to be put down, and, worst of all, had a fever of 38-39.1C all day. We couldn't even pump him with fluids because they'd come up, so we brought him to the walk-in clinic and the doctor said he has an ear infection. He's on antibiotics now, and seems a lot better today, though still sick. The biggest improvement is that today (like, right now) he's sitting on the floor by himself and playing and talking. Yesterday he was so dizzy that he wouldn't even walk, it was so sad.

At this point in May I can't help but think of where I was 2 years ago. Today is May 5th, and on May 5th of 2009 I was at my good friend Farrah's baby shower. It was a great shower and I was happy there and happy for her, but I couldn't help but feel bitter when I got home, mostly that I felt it'd never be me. We were planning on adopting, and I knew I'd have a toy, book and clothing shower or something like it when we adopted, but at that point I was so deeply sad that I didn't get to talk at my shower about going to the hospital, feeling the baby kick, hearing the heartbeat, etc. My heart was heavy with all of the losses surrounding not conceiving, and I was struggling a lot with that.

The next day (May 6th) I had a massive meltdown while traveling in the car with Matt, and I felt I would just never ever be pregnant. It was pretty epic.

And then...on May 7th I took a test, and lo and behold, I was pregnant. The meltdowns and raging hormones which I connected with an impending period were actually (ironically) the result of being pregnant. And so I like to look back on where I was at this point because, although I was so very sad, joy came in the morning, and that joy was all the greater because of the intense sadness.

I also have been looking forward to this milestone for another (completely silly) reason. See, with Elijah, I was pregnant (or, aware of being pregnant) from May 7th to January 27th. This time, I thought, "Hmm, I've never been pregnant in March before!" I found out this time that I'm pregnant on January 25th, so 2 days of overlap before Elijah's birthday. Today and tomorrow are the only days left where I'm experiencing pregnancy for the first time. Every other day I'll be able to look back and say, "When I was pregnant in summer before..." much like how, on January 25th and 26th of this year, I was thinking, "Just a year ago I was so extremely overdue with Elijah, having a stretch and sweep, trying to induce labour, etc, and now I'm 4 weeks pregnant again!" I know it doesn't seem like much, but it's fun to me, that I can look to any month of the year, and recall being pregnant at some point. It seems strange to me, knowing I had hoped but not expected to ever be pregnant.

(**as an aside, I apologize if this post is disjointed. I've been writing it one-handed while holding Elijah, watching Backyardigans, and grabbing the barf-bucket whenever he starts retching. Lovely, I know, but my point is that I've been a little distracted, and my thoughts aren't flowing together very well.**)

I should probably wrap this up anyway. Elijah is so tired that he's getting floppy, and just now sprawled out across the floor, watching the show while laying down and hugging his sippy cup. Sad!! I hope he feels better soon.

**Post edit-I was messing around with some photos and doing comparison shots from this pregnancy to my pregnancy with Elijah, and realized my 18-week belly now is comparable in size to my 26-week belly with Eli...that's quite a difference! It's not entirely comparable though, because he was already so big and high by 26 weeks that it looks like I'm carrying really low this time, which might not be the case. And so, instead, here is a comparison of 18-weeks with Elijah (aka - the day we did a "photoshoot" because I felt huge) and 18w2d now:

Blessed, and labour thoughts

I feel a little bad completely password-protecting this post, as there are parts of it that are fine for the general public to see, but oh well.

I've been pondering lately how very blessed I am. I have Matthew, who I love with every part of me. Even better, he loves me too and is so good and supportive of me. We have experienced some miraculous things in our lives, and somehow were blessed with Elijah. He is such a joy every day, and I just know our love for him is growing on an hourly basis. I'm approaching the 2-year mark since I found out I was pregnant with him (May 7th) and I can't help but remember how different life was back then. It felt so confusing and unsure, and then, to find out I was pregnant was so life-changing, so emotional and spiritual. It gave me so much clarity and hope that it's indescribable.

And now, I'm amazingly pregnant again. I feel equal parts completely normal and totally different. I don't want to ever forget what we experienced, I don't want to take a single thing for granted, and yet I'm so happy to be experiencing something so completely normal and exciting. The peace I feel in the blessings we received and the confidence that all is well with us, and that we can actually plan for the family we want to have is amazing.

My mind always harks back, though, to those who are still struggling. I read blogs (despite numerous resolves to quit) and I particularly love the blogs where they've just found out they're pregnant, or are going through a cycle and about to test. It bring me so much joy to hear of others' joy, but at the same time, I'm faced with reading about people whose IVF cycles failed, or who experience chemical pregnancies. I'm as impatient to get to their happy ending as they are, and hate that they have to wait however many months until their next chance to try again. And sometimes, they have to call it quits, and not do any more treatments, which also makes me sad. I was at that point once upon a time, and it's something I never really let go of. I knew we'd adopt first, but in the back of my mind I imagined turning back to treatments once we had the money to. I never let go of wanting to get pregnant.

So I read these blogs and I'm reminded of the confusion and loss I felt before. It makes me wonder even more why I'm the one who has been blessed with, not only one pregnancy, but two, with the hope and faith of more. I feel so abundantly blessed, especially each time I feel this baby move. My heart hurts for those, especially Heidi, who may never experience that feeling.

Our life feels so good. Not perfect, but so good. Even living in this teeny apartment doesn't feel like a very big deal in comparison to the blessings we've been given.

So there, that's my "blessed" portion of this post.

The other thing I wanted to mention was my ideas for labour and delivery with this baby. With Elijah I felt very unsupported and realized that I wouldn't actually mind people being there (apart from Matthew and my midwife.) Then at Time Out for Women, one of the speakers (a singer from Mercy River) mentioned that she's realized how much she loves childbirth, and surrounding herself with women she loves. I've stored that in the back of my mind, and now that I'm pregnant again, I'm thinking about it more seriously.

So here's what I'm picturing in my mind. Matthew will be here. Beyond that, I'm thinking mom (Glanfield) Rachelle, Farrah, Elizabeth and maybe Lindsay. I don't just want to surround myself with those I love, I want to be surrounded by those who would be supportive of me and try to encourage me so that I don't need pain meds. I think it's possible, I just need the right support group. I feel really good about this plan, but I know that, at least for Rachelle (with Terrah) and Farrah (with Morgan) it will depend on their nursing situation when I'm about to have the baby. Also, Rachelle lives in Kitchener, so it's a question of whether she'd be able to get here. I'm not mentioning anything to anyone yet, as I'm still pondering it, but I hope it works out.

Another thing I'm thinking about is how long I will stay at home. Typically you start out at home, and go to the hospital when you are further along. What I want (or am imagining) is starting out at home with my support group around me, and playing it by ear, with when I should go to the hospital. If I never feel the need or urge to go to the hospital, I want to be able to stay at home and possibly deliver the baby here. I know that it'd be more difficult to have so many people at the hospital, and more uncomfortable for them, and if I go then they probably wouldn't all come with me, maybe just mom and Rachelle (and Matt, of course! He's a given.)

But here is the difficulty with all of this. I do not want my mom to be there, and if she knows that I'm having other people than Matt there, she will expect to be there too. I understand why she would, and I feel bad excluding her, but the simple fact remains that I am not comfortable around her. I'm not going to make any judgments on our relationship or complain about the lack and awkwardness of familial affection, I'm just going to say that she is not intimate with my feelings, with me at all, and labour progresses very slowly, if at all, when there are people present at the birth who the mother is not comfortable with. I could cite everything I've read about it, but I don't feel I need to. It's a fact, that's all there is to it.

But I wouldn't explain this to my mom, because to do so is to tell her that I don't want her around, and she wouldn't get the whole labour-not-progressing thing.

So what am I to do about it? I'm faced with:

a) telling my mom how I feel, hurting her feelings, dealing with family drama, etc,

b) not telling my mom at all, even if it means outright lying about it, or

c) not having anyone else there other than Matthew. Because in the beautiful, puppies and rainbows version of the world, moms of the birthing mothers have first priority on being there.

I tried c) last time. I didn't even consider anyone else being there for this very reason, and I've realized that I need more than what I had. Arg, it's so frustrating. So much of me wants to have a daughter just to do things differently than my mom did, to have a better relationship with one another.

So there, that is my schpeel about labour at this point.

And to wrap this all up, let me just say how sick we are right now in the Glanfield household. Matt's fine, I'm unwell (sore throat and headache) and Elijah is just awful. His underarm temperature is at 39.1, and he is just so quiet, sluggish, and sad. He napped on me for 30 minutes this morning, and I napped a bit too. Matt is staying home from work today to help take care of him, and I am so so so grateful. Hopefully this little boy is feeling better soon.

Killing time

I'm writing this post largely to distract myself from the extreme need to go pee right now! Too much information, I'm sure, but there it is. To get to the bathroom, I need to go through Elijah's room, and he has been sleeping terribly today, so I'm not willing to wake him up to go pee.

About that, though. What is UP with this kid?! He slept fine last night, but all this morning was acting so very tired and snuggly. He almost fell asleep watching tv, eating lunch, and resting on some pillows Matt threw on the floor for him. Too cute!

So I put him down to bed at 1pm, hoping it'll mean a great nap this afternoon, as it's been at least a week since I've been able to take a nap when he does and I'm feeling exhausted and a little sick today.

40 minutes in? He's crying. Wait, not just crying, wailing, so I go in to soothe him, and ohhhh the tears! It was so sad. I walk away with him still crying though, after recognizing that my being there won't help him sleep more, and after another 10 minutes of crying off and on, he falls back asleep. For another 25 minutes. Cries, sleeps, and repeats that cycle 3 times in 15 minutes. He's now been down for almost 3 hours, and I think this has been his longest cry-free stretch yet, but he's up to 7 wake-up-and-cry's. It's heartbreaking, AND frustrating!

I'd say it's a one-shot deal, but he's been doing this for a week now. Screaming when we put him down (except at night, he's fine at night), sleeps until his first sleep cycle is over (20-35 minutes usually) and then wakes up screaming and not ready to be done sleeping. Usually he'll fall back asleep after 15 minutes or so and then have another 2 false-starts before being up for the day. Today is only different in that he's kept falling back asleep, and has now been down 3 hours instead of 2.

I'm getting so tired though! Yesterday I threw caution to the wind and went out running errands all morning and in to the afternoon. I figured that, if he wasn't going to sleep well anyway, then why stay home beyond 11am, for fear that he'd sleep in the car? Maybe it'd be a GOOD thing to sleep in the car!

Le sigh.

But there, that's my new sleep struggle. There always IS one, I'm just getting used to that now. And it really wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't upset by how upset HE gets. I don't know how to help the poor guy though.

Today I had my midwives appointment and everything went well. We talked about my pelvic floor muscles aching already, and whether or not I'm carrying twins. I still don't think I am, but I have this nagging fear that was strengthened yesterday when I felt the height of my fundus and realized it had reached my belly button (typically happens at 20 weeks) when I was just 17w5d. Carrying big? Whoa, maybe it's twins. So I brought it up, and we checked. Sure enough, my MW found the height of my fundus to be measuring one cm above my belly button, which seemed increasingly alarming until we checked the measurement from my pubic bone to the height of the fundus, and it was only 19cm. The conclusion? I have a shorter torso, babying is growing upwards more than outwards, my uterus is all, "This is old hat!" and is getting a little excited about growth, and really, I measured a week ahead with Elijah consistently, so all is well. No more fears of twins. :)

Then we checked my blood pressure (110/70) and listened to baby's heart beat. It was so cool hearing the little movements via the doppler, and twice I felt a movement at the same time I heard it. Baby's heart rate was hovering around 130bpm, so I asked my MW is she thought there was anything to that old wives tale about heart rates, and she said not until the end of the pregnancy. Right now boys and girls measure about the same, and the only reason the heart beats faster is because it's smaller, so by the end, once girls actually ARE smaller than boys on average, you'll notice the difference, but until then, not so much.

That's okay, I don't have much longer to wait and wonder anyway. I'm going for my ultrasound in 1 week! This time next week I will (*hopefully*) know if this baby is a "he" or a "she." I'll be wrong, just watch, but I've really been feeling over the last week that it's a girl. We'll see.

Okay, I really don't know how much longer I can wait to go to the bathroom. I considered calling my mother-in-law at 3:30 so she could come over here and I could run to her house to go pee (we live next door) but I figured Elijah would be up soon. Not so much. Ahhhhh...

OH! He's awake, he just cried. Happy day!!!

**post edit - he wasn't awake, he had just cried out and went back to sleep again. So I snuck in to go pee anyway, and noticed that he had thrown up at least twice in his crib, and then fallen back asleep with his hair in it. SAD! My poor, little, sick boy. He is still sleeping now, almost 4 hours later, and Matt has said he'll come home from work for the evening, and then run back out at 7 for the previous commitment he had. Hopefully, it won't take longer than an hour.**

Randomness

I don't even know where to begin this post. Nothing huge has happened, just little thing after little thing, and as I'm using this blog also as my journal, I want to record it.

First, Holy Windstorm, Batman. The storm system that caused such massive destruction in the United States on Wednesday (342 people dead due to tornadoes) moved its way northwards, though weakened considerably en route. What resulted was a massive windstorm all day on Thursday, and it was the worst I can remember for our area. Where I live is normally quite sheltered. We get snowstorms, but not as bad as Windsor/Waterloo. We get thunderstorms, but they usually manage to skirt around us. This windstorm just swept across our area and it was unreal, and rather frightening at times. A neighboring city is still working on restoring electricity, as far as I know, and we were without for about 10 hours. It's nothing, compared to what people in the United States experienced, I'm well aware of that. It still sucked though, and made the day...difficult to say the least.

Here's what the neighboring city looked like in places:

[caption id="attachment_676" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Insane."][/caption]

So that was Thursday. Friday was the Royal Wedding, as everyone knows, and to be frank, I got a little sick of hearing how sick of the wedding everyone was. I read one blog where the author said that we need to remember that, while there is good happening in the world, there is also bad happening, and we shouldn't give so much attention to this said good. I completely disagree though. Don't get me wrong, I understand what they're saying. The Royal Wedding got a lot of coverage, and I object to ignoring the needs of others as might have been the perception, but, coming from a person who struggles with feeling down about all the bad happening in the world, I need that good. I love the reminder that there are beautiful things happening in the world, especially when I'm having trouble falling asleep at night, worried that my country will be terrorized, a tornado will take out my town, and gang violence and random shootings will kill those I love. Thank goodness for rays of sunshine and things to celebrate in life. And, let me just say, Kate looked beautiful, and William, well, let's just say thank goodness he wore his military best, because otherwise, he's not much to look at.

They picked a fabulous day to get married though, being my husband's and my wedding anniversary and all. I suspect it was to honor us in their own small way. ;)

We went on a date, and it was nice to be out together. We went for dinner, played a game of bowling (I won) and went to Chapters where I bought Elijah a new Thomas train. Then came home at 9:30, and I wondered if we were home too late, and then laughed that too late on a Friday night should mean 9:30.

Yesterday was a beautiful day outside, and we soaked it up. Matt pushed Elijah around in the wheelbarrow, and we took Elijah for his first bikeride ever. It's hard to say if he liked it or not, as he was so tired, he was almost falling asleep in his seat. His naps have been so messed up lately...he's been sleeping 25-30 minutes, and then waking up screaming for at least 15 minutes. It's very sad and we don't know what to do about it.

Today was church (so far...that day's not over yet) and Matt got called as a counselor in our ward's bishopric. It's weird he's a high priest now, and weirder still that he won't sit with us anymore. I've known for over a week now, but still. Weird all over. Also, it was his last Sunday in Primary, which I'm really sad about. :(

That's pretty much it. As I said, a bunch of little things, but changes in our lives, and thoughts on current world events that I don't want to forget about, and so am recording here as more of a journal-entry than a blogpost.

We have our home-teachers coming over in a few minutes, but if I have time afterwards I'll post some cute photos of Elijah and the wheelbarrow. It was pretty great.