Pippin

This post will probably be blunt and anything but eloquent. I'm feeling sad and frustrated and more than a little angry and contentious right now, mostly because of how a conversation with Matt just precipitated.

Let me backtrack though.

Yesterday when I was driving home from Blockbuster I was thinking about Merry and Pippin, and how much I love them, and how I miss Pippin especially. I felt a great amount of sadness surrounding this, and when I was trying to fall asleep I thought about it more, hoping and praying to understand my feelings and receive some comfort.

I love Pippin. I had been frustrated by him so much when we had him, but whenever the topic of giving him away came up, I think that underneath it all, I was glad that Matthew always said we'd never give him away.

And then Matt thought about it and decided that it WAS good to give Pippin away. We acted on it, posted an ad on Kijiji, and within 24 hours he was gone, and I was in shock. It was what I wanted, wasn't it? Then why did I feel so much guilt and intense sadness?

While reviewing my feelings last night, I realized that, if we had been given more time to think about it, I would have likely decided in the end to not give Pippin away at that time, even if once we moved here we found it to be necessary anyway. I feel bad for transplanting him out of his home and all he was familiar with, and I feel like it was my impatience and annoyance that caused the end decision. Matt has said repeatedly that he decided to give Pippin away because it'd be better for me, that he saw how annoyed I was getting and thought it was for the best. Even if he is right, I feel like that adds a huge burden of guilt to me, when I'm already feeling sad and guilty about it as it is.

In the end, I'm just sad about it. I miss my dog, and a part of me wishes we still had him, even if it'd have been impossible to keep him once we moved to the apartment we're in now.

So. I'm feeling these sad feelings, and I didn't want them bottled up anymore. I wanted to talk with Matt about it last night, and snuggle and be comforted, but we went to bed so late, so I decided to talk about it some other time, that time being this morning.

All I really wanted was validation for my feelings. I wanted to talk and cry and be hugged, and hear, "it's okay, I know you're sad about it. I miss Pippin too. I know you know it was the right thing, but it's okay to still feel the hurt and sadness you do." But instead Matt rattled off every reason I already KNEW as to why it was a good idea, as if I still needed convincing, and then asked me what I wanted to DO about how I was feeling. I understand that this is just how men think. They don't really talk to just put their feelings out there and to relieve that burden, they talk to fix problems. It's the classic, age-old conundrum. So I guess I should have been clear to begin with that I only wanted and needed to talk about it, but it upset me so much because everything I tried to say, to convince Matt that I really REALLY just wanted to sit there and be sad about it for a few moments, he kept mentioning his logic this, and our reasons that, for giving Pippin away, which only made it hurt more and more. And then I got frustrated and yelled at him to just be quiet and leave me alone for a few minutes, so of course the anger wiped out every other feeling, and I'm left feeling completely dissatisfied, like I didn't get my cry, and those feelings are still there and are not understood and remain unvalidated, and like it was worse than it was before I opened my big fat mouth.

I just feel so hurt, because ALL I wanted to was to be sad about it. That's all. And the more and more I tried to explain that, the further and further from that the topic became.

Anyway, this post is just my attempt to sort my feelings out WITHOUT the help of someone listening. I guess it was my hope that I wouldn't NEED to talk with Matt to get it off my chest, but instead I feel just as upset and frustrated as when I started. This hurts. And it sucks. The end.