Worried about Elijah

Yes, two posts in one day. I just need somewhere to get this out of me because I am starting to get so worried.

It might be boring, but I need to get our day down. This morning when Elijah woke up his fever was 38.3, which is an improvement from the 39.1 that it was yesterday all day. We forced some Tempra and antibiotics into him, although I know he didn't get the full dosage of the medicine because he can't stand it.

This morning he seemed okay, happy even, playing a little, not needing to be held, eating a teeny bit (just crackers, a little bit of juice) until 10:45 when he needed to be held, got all loopy and floppy, and generally lethargic. I couldn't tell if it was because he was tired or dehydrated. I got my mother-in-law to come over while he snoozed so I could go to the pharmacy and talk to the pharmacist about to give him to get him rehydrated.

I came home with this powder stuff that apparently works like Pedialyte, and with Gravol suppositories to help keep stuff down. I gave him the suppository and some Tempra again and 1/2 an hour later he seemed like a new man. He smiled for the first time in days, didn't need to snuggle, didn't even seem tired, and was playing once more.

I put him down for a nap at 2:20, he slept until 5, and was happy and fine. I checked his temperature, and for the first time in days it was normal (36.7 underarm.) He had some more juice and when Matt got home I ran out to the store. Apparently, while I was gone, he ate a bite of strawberry and proceeded to puke up all the juice he had had. Great.

He had some more juice this evening (aside, I noticed that he felt warm again for some reason,) and we were just waiting for the Gravol suppository to kick in to give him his antibiotics and juice before bedtime. Well, he wouldn't have anything to do with the antibiotics once more. We literally had to pin him down and force his mouth open to get any in. He gagged some out, and then all of a sudden was puking large amounts all over himself and Matt, and screaming at the top of his lungs.

So Matt gave him a bath, tried to give him some more juice, and put him to bed, where he fell asleep without a fuss.

****Big sigh***

So I know that he probably just puked the large amount before bed because the antibiotics made him gag, but I feel so frustrated, worried and helpless. That's one dosage of the antibiotics that he didn't get a THING out of, now he's going to bed on an empty stomach with no fluids to speak of today, given that he can't keep them down. I feel like an awful parent for forcing the medicine into him only to have him puke it AND everything else he desperately needs right back up. And Matt's frustrated too, which just adds even more to my raw feelings.

And so, of course, my mind starts down the worry path. Is he going to be okay? Are we going to have to take him to the hospital? Is he going to have a bad night? My mind also thinks the terrible thoughts like, Is he going to die in his sleep? Is this the beginning of the end? But I try so so SO hard to not dwell on those thoughts because they are so debilitating. I am just so very scared and worried. It's probably nothing, it's probably just an ear infection that he's having a hard time getting over, but I don't know what to do for him, and if I'm not managing to do ANYTHING for him, then is he going to get worse and worse? What do I do? When do I take him to the hospital?

This is awful. It's been such a yo-yo day, and I feel emotionally drained, and afraid to go to bed, because my thoughts and fears will haunt me. I'm trying to push the thoughts out, change the topic of them, distract myself (yeah, this blog post is probably not helping) but I always have this lingering uneasiness.

GAH I'm going to go and do something that will REALLY distract me.