Mother's Day

Ahhh, Mother's Day. A wonderful and beautiful day, and terrible and sad one at the same time.

On the one hand, it's a sweet way and time to recognize your mother and all she has done for you, and to be recognized and loved on by your children as they make an effort to behave, not fight, render you service and generally express their love.

On the other hand, it's really no different than Valentine's Day, Thanksgiving, or any other non-religious holiday. I guess any holiday for that matter. Why should we wait until Valentine's Day to tell our significant other that we love them? Thanksgiving to count our blessings and remember all we're grateful for? Remembrance Day to remember those who sacrificed so much for us? And on a religious scale, Christmas to remember the Saviour's birth and His beautiful mission? Easter to remember His mission in this life, His atonement, His Resurrection?

On a Mother's Day note, shouldn't we always let our mothers know we love them? Shouldn't children always try to not fight and give service (even if the execution is a little lacking?)

I realize that it's an awful lot to remember every day of the year, but at the same time I'm left feeling like this day is wonderful, and yet extremely commercialized to the point where it loses much of its special-ness.

And maybe my irritation is rooted in a comment someone made recently about how Mother's Day is not just a day, it's a season, with weeks, nay, months leading up to it. It's so true!

And for someone grieving the loss of children or the inability to have children, it is a very bittersweet day, or sometimes just plain bitter.

I know there are many people who have opted to simply not go to church on Mother's Day because it was too painful and difficult to hide their emotions while in front of so many people. I completely understand this, and wished many times to do this, but never actually did.

See, I felt that Heavenly Father had given me this trial, and that I needed to do everything I could to be okay with it, to not avoid spiritual experiences like partaking of the sacrament and serving in my callings. I know a part of me worried that, if I refused to do these things by not going to church, then I would disqualify myself from the very blessings I was mourning that Sunday. I wanted to do everything right before Heavenly Father and have confidence that I had done my part, and that Heavenly Father would bless me for my faith and obedience.

So I went, and it hurt. A lot, at time. The worst was actually the first Mother's Day since Matt and I had started trying. We had been trying with no success for 9 months by then, and at one point there were 5 women in my ward with big pregnant bellies. It was hard!

That Sunday, our beloved (and sometimes oblivious, but well-meaning) Bishop had a ton of flowers. He asked all mothers in the congregation to stand, so that the Young Men and Women could bring them a flower. Then he asked all those who were soon to be mothers (as in, all the still-pregnant women) to stand for THEIR flower. Then, as an afterthought, all the women/girls who would someday be mothers were asked to stand. I stood then, but it was so awkward. I felt like everyone was looking at me, and all I wanted to do was cry or scream, but instead I was passed a flower along with the 10-year-olds. It's probably silly, but the pain of it still smarts sometimes. And really, if that was your intent, why not ask everyone to stand at the same time? Why seperate people into these categories, and further remind those who are suffering that they don't have what all these women who had already stood have? Big ouch. Needless to say, the flower-idea (though sweet and well-meaning) was never repeated.

So on Mother's Day, my heart still hurts with many of those hurts that are deeply rooted. They don't sting as much as they used to, but my remembrance of that time is so present, especially when I personally know people who are still in the trenches of it.

And yet.....and yet this day is a time of great joy for me as well. It's so opposite! My "first" Mother's Day was technically last year, when Elijah was 3.5 months old, but I feel like my first one was really 2 years ago.

2 years ago yesterday I had my first ever positive pregnancy test, and our sweet little Elijah officially entered our lives. Mother's Day was just 3 days later, and for the first time, Mother's Day was a time of celebrating. I remember being asked at church by Matt's mom if I was doing okay. I responded cheerfully saying I was "fine!" I know she wondered at why I was so upbeat on such a day, as she didn't know yet that I was pregnant, but for the first time I didn't feel like crying or disappearing into a hole when I entered the chapel.

So for the most part, my pain was washed away, and this day really DID become a day of rejoicing, of celebrating mothers and the fact that I'm a mother too. I felt so cliche, but grateful.

I have a hard time, however, reconciling these two emotions within me. I love Mother's Day. I've been (not-so) subtly reminding Matt for weeks that Mother's Day was coming up, because now that I CAN celebrate, darnit, I WANT to!

And yet, my heart hurts for those I love who do not have children, and for whom this day is still difficult. It reminds me of how I was incredibly insensitive, FORGOT that it was Mother's Day, and spilled the pregnancy beans to said loved one, a regret I can never shake, and just a little bit hate myself for.

So there. That's my Mother's Day schpeel. Now that I have it off of my chest, I will proceed to enjoy this day that I have waited oh so long for, and not let my past bitterness seep into the niceness of today.

And it HAS been a nice day so far, even if I'm staying home from church with a recovering Elijah, who decided to get up at 6am!

It's been a good morning so far though. Because we were up early, I got to spend a little extra time with Matt than I'd have otherwise done before his 8am meeting. He gave me two wonderful cards, one from him (perfect and sentimental) and one from Elijah, featuring a drawing and cuteness. Then he gave me the following Willowtree figure:

...and I'm not going to lie, I cried a little when I saw it. He also gave me this cute placard that says "Home" on it, and a gift card to this store at our local mall that sells all sorts of classic and pretty decorative things.

I went next door with Elijah and had breakfast there, and now we have a quiet day planned. I'm going to nap when Elijah does, shower this afternoon, play a board game with Matt when he comes home, and then go next door again for hamburgers and leftovers from the shower yesterday for dinner. It'll be low-key, and I love low-key.

Anyway, I should finish this, but I do sincerely wish all mothering hearts everywhere, from every walk of life, a wonderful and blessed Mother's Day. I hope it finds you happy and joyful, and in remembrance of Heavenly Father's love for each one of His daughters.