How Far Along: 26w0d
Weight Gain: 13lb’s
Stretch Marks: Just the old white ones from Elijah
Maternity Clothes: Totally
Symptoms: Easily winded, stuffy nose, very very tired, peeing often
Sleep: I am the wildest sleeper now! My sciatic pain hasn't bothered me in a while, but my elbow and shoulder joints do, so I often roll over and entangle myself in the blankets. It's a good thing Matthew has taken to sleeping on the floor, because there is just no room for him on the bed with how I've been sleeping! It's strange too, because I'm normally a very compact sleeper.
Best Moment of the Week: Probably my midwives appointment yesterday. It felt good to talk about everything, hear Little Girl's heartbeat, find out how she's positioned, etc.
Movement: Yep, it's getting higher too, which makes me think, "Oh, maybe she's head-down now!" and then I feel some thumps just above my pubic bone, and I'm completely baffled. I didn't feel many punches with Elijah (I think he was facing my back a lot) so it's weird to feel both punches and kicks with this little one.
Food cravings: I've been having a lot of food dreams lately, and they usually determine my cravings. It's hard to get the food out of my mind until I have some, and then the craving goes away. I don't usually want more than a few bites of it either! For instance, 2 nights ago I dreamt about chocolate ice-cream with caramel sauce and nuts, and now I want it. Last night I dreamt about french fries with gravy and half a hamburger with pickles, and then I wanted fries when I got up! I made Elijah and I some hashbrowns for lunch though, so now I'm feeling better. They're kind of like fries.
Gender: A girl! I'm feeling more sure of it, and can't wait for my 3d ultrasound (which I still have to book...) but today at lunch, I could so clearly picture a little boy, and a little girl not at all. Maybe it's because I've never had one before?
What I Miss: Okay, I'm not going to lie. I miss being able to hold it at night. I was grateful for the reason of getting up in the middle of the night while at camp, but it still kind of sucked needing to get up in the rain and mud and hike to the bathroom in the dark on my own, as Matthew had to stay behind with Elijah. And you can bet I was only willing to do it once, and no more!
What I’m Looking Forward To: The holiday weekend this weekend! First Matthew's birthday tomorrow, then Canada Day, then my birthday! Last week I was excited to get to 28 weeks, and for every-other week appointments, but since I decided to put off the e-o-w appointments until 30 weeks, now I'm just excited to hit the 30's. Although, 28 weeks is still cool, because 28 weeks = 3rd trimester!
Milestones: My rings coming off permanently (or, at least until Lil Girl gets here and the swelling goes down.) It's around the same time it happened with Elijah, and I knew it was coming, being pregnant over summer and all.
Emotions: Hmm...happy? Excited? Impatient? I've been feeling like this pregnancy has been flying by, but over the last week I've started to feel like it's dragging. I think that's why I don't want to have another appointment in 2 weeks, and would rather wait 4. I just want to zip ahead to the main event. I'm starting to get impatient to move downstairs and start setting up for baby girl too.
I'll put up the 26-week photo later, but I don't feel very motivated to take it, as I'm pretty sure I'm the same, if not smaller than last week. At first my belly popped out super-fast, and I looked like how I did 6 weeks further along with Elijah, but now I feel like the difference has lessened, and I look like how I did at 26 weeks with Eli. Oh well, at any rate, I have a good idea of how I'll look at full-term! And with Elijah, I stopped taking bi-weekly photos at 28 weeks. It went 28 weeks, 35 weeks, and 40 weeks. I'm going to keep doing it this time because I ended up being really sad that I wasn't more diligent about the belly photos, and I wish I had have been. So even if it's a pain, and I feel smaller, I'll snap a photo. Just, later.
In other news, we're getting a van! I'm not sure when, but I talked to my brother about it yesterday, and I'm pretty darn excited. He got my sister and her husband a great deal on a nice van, so that they spent $4000 total, and could turn around and sell it for $7000 if they wanted to. The perks of having a brother who works at a busy dealership with lots of trade-ins. He keeps his eyes peeled, and snags the vehicle before they auction it off to smaller, private dealers.
I know it probably sounds funny to be excited about a van, but I really am. I won't have to bend down to buckle Elijah in. Hopefully I'll have power-locks. We'll be able to fit our stroller in the back without mangling the thing. It'll be great.
Right now we have an Olds Alero, and it's been a good car, but I'm not too happy about the $1300 we put into it over the weekend, when we were planning on selling it by August anyway. Also, we can only ever fit one car-seat in it because Matt is so tall that he can't pull his seat forwards, so a carseat doesn't fit behind him. We knew for that reason alone we would need to upgrade, and then there's the stroller situation. We have a Graco stroller, and it's a mammoth. A great, sturdy, smooth-ride, yes, but a mammoth, and that single stroller does not even fit into our trunk right now. Okay, that's not true. If the trunk is empty, and you put the swivel-wheel end in last, and swing it around just so, then yeah, it fits, after it takes a chunk out of the handle grip and eye-glass holder. But a double stroller? Forget it.
We could have looked for a bigger car or an SUV (both being infinitely cooler than a minivan) but we plan on having more children someday and don't want to have to buy another vehicle before we're ready to.
Sooooo yeah! We don't know when it'll be, it just depends on when my brother finds one that we feel good about, but we're excited. Well, me probably more than Matt. Because what guy gets excited about a minivan?
And on a completely unrelated note, I had a realization today. I was reading a church article about temporal self-reliance, and how we should learn skills so that we can take care of our family's essential needs, and I had this thought:
"I would be completely useless in a zombie uprising."
And it's true! What do I like to do with my time? Read? Cross-stitch? Blog? And for that matter, my university degree is in Applied Linguistics. Who the heck is going to worry about their child's speech impediment when there are ZOMBIES on the loose?! Let them stutter! Let them lisp! Just run, for Pete's sake!
Although, I guess I did take a lot of TESL courses too, which means I would know more about teaching others English, which could be useful. That is, if the English language is the one that wins out. I guess it depends on how hard-hit first-world countries are.
This is all hypothetical of course.
And now, I should really be done! I have to talk to some more people about Matt's birthday tomorrow.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Well that's......strange
I had my midwife appointment today and, among other things, we talked about my kidney-or-something-or-other experience from Sunday. Remember how I gave a urine sample to be tested to see what type of UTI I had?
It came back negative.
I know!! You're thinking, "Huh? What was all that fuss for, then?!" right? No? Well, that's what I'M thinking, anyway.
Apparently the probiotics I was on were doing their job, and the UTI from 3 weeks ago is gone. Go probiotics! It still really leaves us wondering why I had to go pee all the time, it was just trickling out, and I had this inexplicably pained kidney-area.
Right now, we're thinking it could have been a kidney stone, though not likely given how the pain came and went. We're also thinking that I might have hydronephrosis myself (you know, the thing we were checking the baby for?) and if so, and the baby was pushing on my kidneys, then it would have caused a lot of pain. Kidney pain can also come in spasms, which, now that I think about it, is very much like what it was, and would explain why it disappeared all of a sudden. Also, Baby Girl is transverse right now (meaning, sideways) and that's a really good position for causing that sort of kidney pain. And then, if she was causing the pain, and she all of a sudden shifted, it'd explain why all of a sudden I could go pee and wasn't in pain.
Bottom line? We just don't know. The pain was very real (although impossible to recall now) and if it happens again then I'm going to be sent for an ultrasound of my own kidneys, to see if they're dilated at all. Otherwise, I'm just to keep at the probiotics (and antibiotics until they're done) and drink lots. And pray and pray that this baby turns head-down soon. All of a sudden, Elijah kicking me for 17 weeks in my ribs seems like no big deal!
Hmm...which also makes me wonder about the "showing" thing. I know Elijah turned head-down rather early. They could feel by 28 weeks that he was head-down, but he'd been kicking my ribs since 24-25 weeks. My stomach also "popped" between 20 and 24 weeks. I wonder if that's why? Because he went head-down so early? He never kicked me low down, or at least, not once he could kick higher, whereas this baby is always kicking me low down, where I can't see it. Also, Baby Girl is sideways right now, and my stomach didn't "grow" much in the last few weeks. I've been consistently measuring 1-2 weeks ahead, and this week I'm bang on at 26 weeks. It makes sense, though, given her position. I wonder if my belly will look bigger once she's head-down? Oh well, this is all pointless conjecture anyway, it's just fun to think about.
Oh, I got the results from my ultrasound from last week. There was less than 4mm of fluid, which apparently is "clinically insignificant," Baby Girl's heart rate was 143 bpm, and she was measuring 25w4d (when I was actually 24w6d.) Apparently, though, at this point dating the fetus is pointless because there is so much variation. For instance, a tall baby will have their limbs measure further ahead, and Elijah was tall, and he and Baby Girl come from (at least half!) of a family with tall people. So yeah.
Other than that, we didn't talk about much. I'm going in next week to do the gestational diabetes screen. I re-read what I wrote about when I did it with Elijah, and I had said then that I wouldn't ever do it again, it was just that gross, but I've since heard about babies having trouble monitoring their blood-sugar levels, and what it can mean for their little bodies (eg - permanent brain damage? No thanks.) and I think it makes sense to do it. I'll also have my iron checked then, and I'm sure it's low again, as I've been very out of breath lately.
My next appointment isn't for another 4 weeks. My midwife was more than willing to have me come back in 2 weeks, and start my every-other-week thing, and I must admit, it's exciting to be at that point of pregnancy, but I feel like time is going so much faster with the whole every-4-weeks thing, and if I'm in every other week with nothing to talk about, it's going to start dragging. Also, it's one less appointment that I have to worry about Elijah with. So far I've made it 26 weeks without bringing him to one appointment. I might have to at my 30-week appointment (SO weird that that one is coming up next. It's wild, in fact.) but even still, I think I've done well to put it off that long. It helps that Matt takes a morning and an afternoon off almost every week, so I can schedule them for then.
Anyway, I should wrap this up. Matt's 30th birthday is on Thursday (only 2 days away! EEP!) and we're having some people over, but there are a few people I haven't heard from yet, and I want to call them this afternoon. AND.....I've got to go pee. The end!
It came back negative.
I know!! You're thinking, "Huh? What was all that fuss for, then?!" right? No? Well, that's what I'M thinking, anyway.
Apparently the probiotics I was on were doing their job, and the UTI from 3 weeks ago is gone. Go probiotics! It still really leaves us wondering why I had to go pee all the time, it was just trickling out, and I had this inexplicably pained kidney-area.
Right now, we're thinking it could have been a kidney stone, though not likely given how the pain came and went. We're also thinking that I might have hydronephrosis myself (you know, the thing we were checking the baby for?) and if so, and the baby was pushing on my kidneys, then it would have caused a lot of pain. Kidney pain can also come in spasms, which, now that I think about it, is very much like what it was, and would explain why it disappeared all of a sudden. Also, Baby Girl is transverse right now (meaning, sideways) and that's a really good position for causing that sort of kidney pain. And then, if she was causing the pain, and she all of a sudden shifted, it'd explain why all of a sudden I could go pee and wasn't in pain.
Bottom line? We just don't know. The pain was very real (although impossible to recall now) and if it happens again then I'm going to be sent for an ultrasound of my own kidneys, to see if they're dilated at all. Otherwise, I'm just to keep at the probiotics (and antibiotics until they're done) and drink lots. And pray and pray that this baby turns head-down soon. All of a sudden, Elijah kicking me for 17 weeks in my ribs seems like no big deal!
Hmm...which also makes me wonder about the "showing" thing. I know Elijah turned head-down rather early. They could feel by 28 weeks that he was head-down, but he'd been kicking my ribs since 24-25 weeks. My stomach also "popped" between 20 and 24 weeks. I wonder if that's why? Because he went head-down so early? He never kicked me low down, or at least, not once he could kick higher, whereas this baby is always kicking me low down, where I can't see it. Also, Baby Girl is sideways right now, and my stomach didn't "grow" much in the last few weeks. I've been consistently measuring 1-2 weeks ahead, and this week I'm bang on at 26 weeks. It makes sense, though, given her position. I wonder if my belly will look bigger once she's head-down? Oh well, this is all pointless conjecture anyway, it's just fun to think about.
Oh, I got the results from my ultrasound from last week. There was less than 4mm of fluid, which apparently is "clinically insignificant," Baby Girl's heart rate was 143 bpm, and she was measuring 25w4d (when I was actually 24w6d.) Apparently, though, at this point dating the fetus is pointless because there is so much variation. For instance, a tall baby will have their limbs measure further ahead, and Elijah was tall, and he and Baby Girl come from (at least half!) of a family with tall people. So yeah.
Other than that, we didn't talk about much. I'm going in next week to do the gestational diabetes screen. I re-read what I wrote about when I did it with Elijah, and I had said then that I wouldn't ever do it again, it was just that gross, but I've since heard about babies having trouble monitoring their blood-sugar levels, and what it can mean for their little bodies (eg - permanent brain damage? No thanks.) and I think it makes sense to do it. I'll also have my iron checked then, and I'm sure it's low again, as I've been very out of breath lately.
My next appointment isn't for another 4 weeks. My midwife was more than willing to have me come back in 2 weeks, and start my every-other-week thing, and I must admit, it's exciting to be at that point of pregnancy, but I feel like time is going so much faster with the whole every-4-weeks thing, and if I'm in every other week with nothing to talk about, it's going to start dragging. Also, it's one less appointment that I have to worry about Elijah with. So far I've made it 26 weeks without bringing him to one appointment. I might have to at my 30-week appointment (SO weird that that one is coming up next. It's wild, in fact.) but even still, I think I've done well to put it off that long. It helps that Matt takes a morning and an afternoon off almost every week, so I can schedule them for then.
Anyway, I should wrap this up. Matt's 30th birthday is on Thursday (only 2 days away! EEP!) and we're having some people over, but there are a few people I haven't heard from yet, and I want to call them this afternoon. AND.....I've got to go pee. The end!
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Camping and a hospital trip
So. We decided to give camping a try this past weekend. It was only for a night, so we figured that, for better or for worse, it was only a day and then we'd go home. To be honest, I thought our biggest struggle would be sleeping and naps, but Elijah was PRO. He went to sleep at 8:30pm (normal time,) only woke up 3 times throughout the night needing 30 seconds of soothing, and then slept until 7:45am (sleeping in.) It was GREAT!
The thing that made it soooo difficult was the fact that it rained a lot, and had been raining for a few days leading up. Also, a huge chunk of our campsite had been dug up recently to repair something, and while new gras was sprouting, all the rain turned it into one big mud pit. There was absolutely nowhere for Elijah to walk, unless we let him play in the mud. So we did (and pictures of it are to follow) but it was still tough. Because I didn't want him playing in the mud 24/7 - I only brought so many outfits, and I was worried about how cold he would get - so there was a fair amount of time spent herding him, holding him while he was bucking round, and just generally dealing with a grouchy baby.
Another factor that made it difficult was this darn UTI I've had for a little while. I was taking a probiotic for it (although I'd admittedly missed it sometimes) and I was stuck "holding it" for longer than I should have. The problem, though, was that I was at the point where I felt like I had to go pee All. The. Time. So I ignored it a lot, and didn't get up at 1am to go pee again, as I already had just one hour before.
Anyway, that made it hard to go camping. I'd say it was equal parts worth it and equal parts not worth it to go. On the one hand, there were those rather big struggles. I'll never ever camp in the rain again! And yes, we knew the forecast before we left, but we hoped it'd clear or pass us over, because the real reason we went camping was to see President Monson. He was going to be there at the camp for some time on Saturday, and I've never seen him in person. Apart from being my favourite general authority, he's also the prophet of God called to lead the church, and that's kind of special (huge understatement.)
Also, the company was great. We love Dave, Farrah, Duncan, Lindsay, Neal, Pam and Mom and Dad. Everyone was a big help with Elijah, but even more so with cooking. I don't think we cooked one bit of a meal, and we all ate together, which we hadn't been planning but was very nice.
I wish it hadn't have been raining, and that we could have gone swimming at some point. The campgrounds are so pretty and I wanted to test out the new beach! Oh well. Some other time. In the distant future. ;)
And now, for some photos:
[caption id="attachment_866" align="aligncenter" width="225" caption="I love this face!"]
[/caption]
[caption id="attachment_867" align="aligncenter" width="200" caption="Oh, so smug about finally being allowed to play in the mud!"]
[/caption]
[caption id="attachment_868" align="aligncenter" width="200" caption="Ahh, the silly, squinty face!"]
[/caption]
[caption id="attachment_869" align="aligncenter" width="200" caption="Dana and Elijah squating in the mud."]
[/caption]
[caption id="attachment_870" align="aligncenter" width="200" caption="The whole reason we went: President Monson!"]
[/caption]
The next part of my post requires a little bit of explaining.
Friday night, just before 12am, I got reeeeally uncomfortable. I needed to go pee, and that's when Baby Girl started kicking my bladder. Fine, no big deal, right? Except she chose that moment to push upward, wedging her head up against my diaphragm, which then pushed on my stomach, and then....ohhhh boy, then I felt so sick to my stomach, and I was left wishing I hadn't had hot chocolate right before bed.
Yesterday when I woke up I felt a little off, having not slept well, despite Elijah being a pro sleeper. Also, whenever I burped (which was very often, for some reason) it tasted just awful. It took a while to even come close to describing it, but in the end I could only compare it to tasting like rotten eggs. AWFUL. And every time I burped I wanted to throw up, it tasted so gross.
Fast-forward to the drive home, where I feel like I need to pee all the way, we get home, and only a trickle comes out. So frustrating.
I was going to shower last night, but I was just sooo tired, so I figured I'd do it this morning. Except, then I woke up at 4:30am with the need to go to the bathroom, and this intense pain down the right side of my back and belly. I tried to cope, but nothing made it better. Not changing positions, not going to the bathroom, not diarrhea (TMI, I know, but still. If it was intestinal, it'd have been a relief to go, but it wasn't at all.) I was in so much pain that I just sat in bed wimpering, or tossing around, wishing it'd go away.
I paged my midwife at 5:50am, worried that it might be something like food poisoning that could hurt the baby. She called me back, but it was very clear from the background noise that she was at a labour and the woman was pushing. She asked what was up and I briefly told her about the pain, and she said to come in to the hospital (not the one in town, but the one 40 minutes away, where they were.) I said okay, quickly got off the phone, and reassessed. I figured I was feeling a little better, perhaps well enough to sleep, so I'd just go back to bed until Matt got up at 6:45 (it was 6am by now.)
I slept for maybe 1/2 an hour, and woke up to the alarm. The pain had subsided, though was still present, but I figured I didn't need to come in to the hospital, so I'd call my midwife back (hoping she was done with the labour stuff...I felt like such an intruder or impostor calling, when that woman's need was obviously so much greater than mine) and tell my MW that I didn't need to come in, and don't wait around for me.
My MW had some more time then than she had before, so she asked me again what I was feeling, and I told her the whole thing about the UTI and the pains. She said she wants me to come in as soon as possible still, because she was worried that it had worsened to a kidney infection, and that it could possibly send me into preterm labour. Scary, right? I was to come in, give a urine sample, have blood drawn, be monitored, and have an ultrasound tomorrow.
Soooo Matt called in saying he couldn't go to his meetings, dad came over to look after Elijah when he woke up (the blessed man gave him a bath, fed him breakfast, took him to church and everything!) and we were off.
Oh, but wait. My MW said that, thought the pain had dulled, it could still come back, and after I got off the phone with her, it did, with a vengeance. It was worse than before, probably a 6 or 7 on the pain scale (or two enthusiastic thumbs up!) and I was hurting.
Then, 5-10 minutes into our I drive to the hospital, I turn to Matt and say, "And now, it doesn't even hurt." And it didn't! It mysteriously disappeared, and it hasn't come back since.
So then I felt like even MORE of an impostor, sitting in L & D with a woman in the next room over in labour, a new baby crying down the hall, and me and Matt, sitting there joking about the Brian Regan video, and saying I need to moan louder if I want to be seen ("I'm an 8! I'm an 8!!")
My blood pressure was fine, Baby Girl's heart rate was fine (145-150) and she was kicking a ton, I managed to actually PEE and not just trickle out a sample, and they didn't do the blood draw. My MW came in to see me, poked on my back and was very surprised to find that my kidney didn't hurt. I can't explain it. I know I had symptoms, and if not a kidney infection, then what the HECK was that?! But I seem to be fine now, so she gave me an antibiotic presciption for the bacteria I tested positive for 2 weeks ago, and she's going to see what this last sample indicated, if it's the same UTI, just stronger.
And that was it! She apologized for bringing me in, I apologized for calling about something trifling (although I'm very glad to have the antibiotics now) and we all agreed that it sure didn't seem trifling at the time, and it was good to have called.
We came back home after getting my prescription filled, I took my long-awaited, post-camp shower, and we slept for 2 hours. Matt meant to go to church to pick up Elijah so dad didn't have to look after him when we were home, but we just were so wiped.
I'm feeling better now, and I have no idea what was wrong. Every now and then today I've felt a dull pain in my abdomen, and I'm feeling a bit of a dull ache down the right side of my back, but maybe it's because I need to go pee. I don't know. I have an in-clinic appointment on Tuesday, so I'll see the same midwife then. Then, I'm to go back in a week for a follow-up urine sample to see if the infection is gone.
Sooooo yeah. Interesting day! On our way to the hospital, Matt said, "I knew this pregnancy was going too well!" We then had a conversation about which pregnancy has been easier. With Elijah I was so emotional and I struggled a lot with depression, but was perfectly fine physically, whereas this pregnancy has been more physically taxing and painful. I really can't tell you if I prefer one over the other. I'm just happy to be pregnant, and that everything is fine with the baby.
Anyway, I should finish this up. I think I had more to say, but I can't remember what now. Elijah keeps bringing Matt a book, and Matt sings the words to him. It's so cute, and I want to spend time with them on this lovely day!
The thing that made it soooo difficult was the fact that it rained a lot, and had been raining for a few days leading up. Also, a huge chunk of our campsite had been dug up recently to repair something, and while new gras was sprouting, all the rain turned it into one big mud pit. There was absolutely nowhere for Elijah to walk, unless we let him play in the mud. So we did (and pictures of it are to follow) but it was still tough. Because I didn't want him playing in the mud 24/7 - I only brought so many outfits, and I was worried about how cold he would get - so there was a fair amount of time spent herding him, holding him while he was bucking round, and just generally dealing with a grouchy baby.
Another factor that made it difficult was this darn UTI I've had for a little while. I was taking a probiotic for it (although I'd admittedly missed it sometimes) and I was stuck "holding it" for longer than I should have. The problem, though, was that I was at the point where I felt like I had to go pee All. The. Time. So I ignored it a lot, and didn't get up at 1am to go pee again, as I already had just one hour before.
Anyway, that made it hard to go camping. I'd say it was equal parts worth it and equal parts not worth it to go. On the one hand, there were those rather big struggles. I'll never ever camp in the rain again! And yes, we knew the forecast before we left, but we hoped it'd clear or pass us over, because the real reason we went camping was to see President Monson. He was going to be there at the camp for some time on Saturday, and I've never seen him in person. Apart from being my favourite general authority, he's also the prophet of God called to lead the church, and that's kind of special (huge understatement.)
Also, the company was great. We love Dave, Farrah, Duncan, Lindsay, Neal, Pam and Mom and Dad. Everyone was a big help with Elijah, but even more so with cooking. I don't think we cooked one bit of a meal, and we all ate together, which we hadn't been planning but was very nice.
I wish it hadn't have been raining, and that we could have gone swimming at some point. The campgrounds are so pretty and I wanted to test out the new beach! Oh well. Some other time. In the distant future. ;)
And now, for some photos:
[caption id="attachment_866" align="aligncenter" width="225" caption="I love this face!"]
[/caption][caption id="attachment_867" align="aligncenter" width="200" caption="Oh, so smug about finally being allowed to play in the mud!"]
[/caption][caption id="attachment_868" align="aligncenter" width="200" caption="Ahh, the silly, squinty face!"]
[/caption][caption id="attachment_869" align="aligncenter" width="200" caption="Dana and Elijah squating in the mud."]
[/caption][caption id="attachment_870" align="aligncenter" width="200" caption="The whole reason we went: President Monson!"]
[/caption]The next part of my post requires a little bit of explaining.
Friday night, just before 12am, I got reeeeally uncomfortable. I needed to go pee, and that's when Baby Girl started kicking my bladder. Fine, no big deal, right? Except she chose that moment to push upward, wedging her head up against my diaphragm, which then pushed on my stomach, and then....ohhhh boy, then I felt so sick to my stomach, and I was left wishing I hadn't had hot chocolate right before bed.
Yesterday when I woke up I felt a little off, having not slept well, despite Elijah being a pro sleeper. Also, whenever I burped (which was very often, for some reason) it tasted just awful. It took a while to even come close to describing it, but in the end I could only compare it to tasting like rotten eggs. AWFUL. And every time I burped I wanted to throw up, it tasted so gross.
Fast-forward to the drive home, where I feel like I need to pee all the way, we get home, and only a trickle comes out. So frustrating.
I was going to shower last night, but I was just sooo tired, so I figured I'd do it this morning. Except, then I woke up at 4:30am with the need to go to the bathroom, and this intense pain down the right side of my back and belly. I tried to cope, but nothing made it better. Not changing positions, not going to the bathroom, not diarrhea (TMI, I know, but still. If it was intestinal, it'd have been a relief to go, but it wasn't at all.) I was in so much pain that I just sat in bed wimpering, or tossing around, wishing it'd go away.
I paged my midwife at 5:50am, worried that it might be something like food poisoning that could hurt the baby. She called me back, but it was very clear from the background noise that she was at a labour and the woman was pushing. She asked what was up and I briefly told her about the pain, and she said to come in to the hospital (not the one in town, but the one 40 minutes away, where they were.) I said okay, quickly got off the phone, and reassessed. I figured I was feeling a little better, perhaps well enough to sleep, so I'd just go back to bed until Matt got up at 6:45 (it was 6am by now.)
I slept for maybe 1/2 an hour, and woke up to the alarm. The pain had subsided, though was still present, but I figured I didn't need to come in to the hospital, so I'd call my midwife back (hoping she was done with the labour stuff...I felt like such an intruder or impostor calling, when that woman's need was obviously so much greater than mine) and tell my MW that I didn't need to come in, and don't wait around for me.
My MW had some more time then than she had before, so she asked me again what I was feeling, and I told her the whole thing about the UTI and the pains. She said she wants me to come in as soon as possible still, because she was worried that it had worsened to a kidney infection, and that it could possibly send me into preterm labour. Scary, right? I was to come in, give a urine sample, have blood drawn, be monitored, and have an ultrasound tomorrow.
Soooo Matt called in saying he couldn't go to his meetings, dad came over to look after Elijah when he woke up (the blessed man gave him a bath, fed him breakfast, took him to church and everything!) and we were off.
Oh, but wait. My MW said that, thought the pain had dulled, it could still come back, and after I got off the phone with her, it did, with a vengeance. It was worse than before, probably a 6 or 7 on the pain scale (or two enthusiastic thumbs up!) and I was hurting.
Then, 5-10 minutes into our I drive to the hospital, I turn to Matt and say, "And now, it doesn't even hurt." And it didn't! It mysteriously disappeared, and it hasn't come back since.
So then I felt like even MORE of an impostor, sitting in L & D with a woman in the next room over in labour, a new baby crying down the hall, and me and Matt, sitting there joking about the Brian Regan video, and saying I need to moan louder if I want to be seen ("I'm an 8! I'm an 8!!")
My blood pressure was fine, Baby Girl's heart rate was fine (145-150) and she was kicking a ton, I managed to actually PEE and not just trickle out a sample, and they didn't do the blood draw. My MW came in to see me, poked on my back and was very surprised to find that my kidney didn't hurt. I can't explain it. I know I had symptoms, and if not a kidney infection, then what the HECK was that?! But I seem to be fine now, so she gave me an antibiotic presciption for the bacteria I tested positive for 2 weeks ago, and she's going to see what this last sample indicated, if it's the same UTI, just stronger.
And that was it! She apologized for bringing me in, I apologized for calling about something trifling (although I'm very glad to have the antibiotics now) and we all agreed that it sure didn't seem trifling at the time, and it was good to have called.
We came back home after getting my prescription filled, I took my long-awaited, post-camp shower, and we slept for 2 hours. Matt meant to go to church to pick up Elijah so dad didn't have to look after him when we were home, but we just were so wiped.
I'm feeling better now, and I have no idea what was wrong. Every now and then today I've felt a dull pain in my abdomen, and I'm feeling a bit of a dull ache down the right side of my back, but maybe it's because I need to go pee. I don't know. I have an in-clinic appointment on Tuesday, so I'll see the same midwife then. Then, I'm to go back in a week for a follow-up urine sample to see if the infection is gone.
Sooooo yeah. Interesting day! On our way to the hospital, Matt said, "I knew this pregnancy was going too well!" We then had a conversation about which pregnancy has been easier. With Elijah I was so emotional and I struggled a lot with depression, but was perfectly fine physically, whereas this pregnancy has been more physically taxing and painful. I really can't tell you if I prefer one over the other. I'm just happy to be pregnant, and that everything is fine with the baby.
Anyway, I should finish this up. I think I had more to say, but I can't remember what now. Elijah keeps bringing Matt a book, and Matt sings the words to him. It's so cute, and I want to spend time with them on this lovely day!
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
25w0d
How Far Along: 25w0d
Weight Gain: 12.5lb’s
Stretch Marks: Just the old white ones from Elijah
Maternity Clothes: Totally
Symptoms: Easily winded, stuffy nose, very very tired
Sleep: Meh...there aren't enough hours in the day to get as much sleep as I want.
Best Moment of the Week: Seeing baby girl on the u/s screen, feeling some really hard jabs
Movement: Lots and lots. She's getting so high now, too. I'm 99% sure she's reached my ribcage, but prefers to be head-up still. I'm hoping that changes soon!
Food cravings: Chocolate peanut butter ice-cream, raspberries (I've actually been craving these for a while now)
Gender: A girl! We had it confirmed at yesterday's ultrasound, and it's starting to feel more real now.
What I Miss: Nothing at all.
What I’m Looking Forward To: Getting the results from my u/s at next Tuesday's appointment (the sonographer yesterday was so tight-lipped, and didn't even give me a photo,) switching to every-other-week appointments, hitting the next big milestone at 28 weeks.
Milestones: None to speak of, just daily growth
Emotions: Tired and burnt-out, but also excited to set up baby things like the nursery and get all the clothes washed.
And the 25-week photo. I have to say, I'm disappointed with how slowly I feel like my belly is growing. I know it IS growing, but pictures don't really do it justice.
Big, right? But I've been big for a while. Here's the ever-4-weeks shot, with 21w0d on the left, and 25w0d on the right:
I guess I feel like, with Elijah, weeks 20-24 meant a huge growth spurt. My belly popped out a lot in that month-long period, and I was expecting the same thing to happen this time. As you can see, though, there hasn't been a huge amount of change. Yes, I'm bigger, but not as much so. I guess I kind of just want to be huge. I like being huge, because it means the baby will be here soon!
Anyway, I'm getting really sleepy, so I'm going to wrap this up, feed Elijah lunch, and then take a nap when he naps.
Weight Gain: 12.5lb’s
Stretch Marks: Just the old white ones from Elijah
Maternity Clothes: Totally
Symptoms: Easily winded, stuffy nose, very very tired
Sleep: Meh...there aren't enough hours in the day to get as much sleep as I want.
Best Moment of the Week: Seeing baby girl on the u/s screen, feeling some really hard jabs
Movement: Lots and lots. She's getting so high now, too. I'm 99% sure she's reached my ribcage, but prefers to be head-up still. I'm hoping that changes soon!
Food cravings: Chocolate peanut butter ice-cream, raspberries (I've actually been craving these for a while now)
Gender: A girl! We had it confirmed at yesterday's ultrasound, and it's starting to feel more real now.
What I Miss: Nothing at all.
What I’m Looking Forward To: Getting the results from my u/s at next Tuesday's appointment (the sonographer yesterday was so tight-lipped, and didn't even give me a photo,) switching to every-other-week appointments, hitting the next big milestone at 28 weeks.
Milestones: None to speak of, just daily growth
Emotions: Tired and burnt-out, but also excited to set up baby things like the nursery and get all the clothes washed.
And the 25-week photo. I have to say, I'm disappointed with how slowly I feel like my belly is growing. I know it IS growing, but pictures don't really do it justice.
Big, right? But I've been big for a while. Here's the ever-4-weeks shot, with 21w0d on the left, and 25w0d on the right:
I guess I feel like, with Elijah, weeks 20-24 meant a huge growth spurt. My belly popped out a lot in that month-long period, and I was expecting the same thing to happen this time. As you can see, though, there hasn't been a huge amount of change. Yes, I'm bigger, but not as much so. I guess I kind of just want to be huge. I like being huge, because it means the baby will be here soon!Anyway, I'm getting really sleepy, so I'm going to wrap this up, feed Elijah lunch, and then take a nap when he naps.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Ultrasound, and my day today
Today I had my follow-up ultrasound for the hydronephrosis. The tech mentioned that the problem wouldn't necessarily go away by today, and that it can persist even into the baby's first year, but if so, usually goes away by their 1st birthday. Whatever, I'm not concerned about it. She wouldn't tell me a thing, but I'm pretty sure it's still present because baby had a full bladder again today.
All in all, it was kind of a disappointing experience. It was over too quickly, the tech wouldn't answer ANY of my questions, she didn't give me a photo to keep, she didn't tell me what the heartrate was, how big baby is measuring, etc. etc. I know, I expect too much, it's just, we had a great woman for our 19-week scan, and this one? Not so great.
I did get to see my baby today though, so that, at least, was wonderful. She's looking meatier now, her legs are less spindly and she has way less room than she had just 6 weeks ago. I got to see her little feet, and when I saw her face her jaw was moving, it was so cute. Also, I did get a confirmation that she is still a "she." Phew!!
I have a midwives appointment next Tuesday, so hopefully I'll get to know the results from there. Apparently they can check things like cervical length, and I'm curious to know that. Also, the things that I like to know for my own sake, like the heartrate, and what this ultrasound puts my due date at. Not that it matters, but I feel like I'm measuring big.
Other than that, today was kind of crappy. Matt was home for the afternoon, but I was just in a grouchy and frustrated mood after the ultrasound, so I snapped at him a couple times and just generally went stir crazy. I was mad that he had to go to work tonight. I hate that he works evenings. HATE it. Then, when he went to work he forgot to take the carseat out so that I could go out with mom to Walmart, and I was so very unimpressed by this fact. In fact, I called him to ask about it, and made him feel bad. On purpose. It was a mean thing to do, I know, but I was already so frustrated and upset, that the prospect of then being house-bound was too much, and I sat down and cried about it.
Mom ended up driving to get the carseat, which Matthew helped her install, and we went to Walmart afterall. While waiting for mom to get back from getting the carseat I read some blogs and facebook, and realized that my life is not so bad. In fact, compared to some (or many...) it's quite enviable. There are people who are having miscarriages, who want to get pregnant and have a baby, and I'm 25 weeks pregnant (tomorrow) with a miracle baby girl. SO lucky. And Elijah? Words can't even express how much I love him and how lucky I am to have such a wonderful, healthy boy. We have a nice home, the business is going well, we have a loving relationship (when I'm not being a snob) and are so incredibly blessed with the peace that the Gospel brings. When I remember these things, I realize that Matt forgetting the carseat is not a big deal. Sooo I cheered up lots, and had a nice evening anyway.
After putting Elijah to bed, something hit me, and I wish it hadn't, but all at once I felt this dread of Matthew dying. I hate when these thoughts hit me, because it feels so very CERTAIN, like the last words I spoke to him would be it, and he'd not come home tonight, and we'd not make up, and I'd have to wash the dishes every single day for the rest of my life and always think about Matt when I did so, and this baby would never know her daddy and how much he loves her already, and on and on and on. Once my mind starts, it's very VERY hard to get it to stop. In short, it's torture.
So I called Matt and apologized. I already wasn't mad, I hadn't been for a while, but just in case something happened, I was going to have said I was sorry and that I love him so much. I'm so morbid sometimes! I know it, and I wish I wasn't. I wish I wasn't riddled by all of these fears - most of them surrounding Matthew dying - and they really are debilitating, but I don't know what more to do about them.
Anyway, I read my scriptures and surfed the internet for a while, and now it's 9:43 and time for bed, pretty much. I'm excited for this day to be over. They're calling for rain and thunderstorms tonight and tomorrow, and I'm actually looking forward to it (provided it's not scary...storms have become a new fear of mine) and tomorrow I turn 25 weeks pregnant. I can't believe how fast time is flying. I love it! I'm starting to get excited to just meet this baby already. People keep asking me if I'm ready for another, and I say, "Heck no! I don't have to be ready until October, and I'm counting on Elijah getting 3.5 months older before I have to think about another baby!" and it's sort of true, and sort of not. True, because we have nothing ready for this baby, and I haven't even started thinking about taking care of Elijah AND a newborn (I almost wrote "a baby" but I didn't, because to me, at least, Elijah still IS a baby.) But also not true because I'm excited and want life to turn it's next page, to have a van, to be a few months closer to a house, knowing what is going on with Elijah's speech or lack thereof, etc. Part of me just wants to skip these next 3.5 months. But only part.
I was looking at Elijah laying in his crib when I put him down, and the way he was looking up at me and kicking his legs made me think he was still 7 months old. I miss that 7-month-old Elijah, and I feel like he's growing so fast. No, TOO fast, and I'm missing it. I'm trying not to, but honestly, where did this little BOY come from? Why isn't he still my sweet little baby? It makes me heartsick to think about it, so I'm just going to wrap this up now. But ohh my, how I love him with my whole heart. And Matthew. And this little Abigail on her way. And how much I want to fast-forward time, and yet freeze it too. And I can't do either, so I'll just try my hardest to enjoy the moment, and have a better day tomorrow than I did today.
All in all, it was kind of a disappointing experience. It was over too quickly, the tech wouldn't answer ANY of my questions, she didn't give me a photo to keep, she didn't tell me what the heartrate was, how big baby is measuring, etc. etc. I know, I expect too much, it's just, we had a great woman for our 19-week scan, and this one? Not so great.
I did get to see my baby today though, so that, at least, was wonderful. She's looking meatier now, her legs are less spindly and she has way less room than she had just 6 weeks ago. I got to see her little feet, and when I saw her face her jaw was moving, it was so cute. Also, I did get a confirmation that she is still a "she." Phew!!
I have a midwives appointment next Tuesday, so hopefully I'll get to know the results from there. Apparently they can check things like cervical length, and I'm curious to know that. Also, the things that I like to know for my own sake, like the heartrate, and what this ultrasound puts my due date at. Not that it matters, but I feel like I'm measuring big.
Other than that, today was kind of crappy. Matt was home for the afternoon, but I was just in a grouchy and frustrated mood after the ultrasound, so I snapped at him a couple times and just generally went stir crazy. I was mad that he had to go to work tonight. I hate that he works evenings. HATE it. Then, when he went to work he forgot to take the carseat out so that I could go out with mom to Walmart, and I was so very unimpressed by this fact. In fact, I called him to ask about it, and made him feel bad. On purpose. It was a mean thing to do, I know, but I was already so frustrated and upset, that the prospect of then being house-bound was too much, and I sat down and cried about it.
Mom ended up driving to get the carseat, which Matthew helped her install, and we went to Walmart afterall. While waiting for mom to get back from getting the carseat I read some blogs and facebook, and realized that my life is not so bad. In fact, compared to some (or many...) it's quite enviable. There are people who are having miscarriages, who want to get pregnant and have a baby, and I'm 25 weeks pregnant (tomorrow) with a miracle baby girl. SO lucky. And Elijah? Words can't even express how much I love him and how lucky I am to have such a wonderful, healthy boy. We have a nice home, the business is going well, we have a loving relationship (when I'm not being a snob) and are so incredibly blessed with the peace that the Gospel brings. When I remember these things, I realize that Matt forgetting the carseat is not a big deal. Sooo I cheered up lots, and had a nice evening anyway.
After putting Elijah to bed, something hit me, and I wish it hadn't, but all at once I felt this dread of Matthew dying. I hate when these thoughts hit me, because it feels so very CERTAIN, like the last words I spoke to him would be it, and he'd not come home tonight, and we'd not make up, and I'd have to wash the dishes every single day for the rest of my life and always think about Matt when I did so, and this baby would never know her daddy and how much he loves her already, and on and on and on. Once my mind starts, it's very VERY hard to get it to stop. In short, it's torture.
So I called Matt and apologized. I already wasn't mad, I hadn't been for a while, but just in case something happened, I was going to have said I was sorry and that I love him so much. I'm so morbid sometimes! I know it, and I wish I wasn't. I wish I wasn't riddled by all of these fears - most of them surrounding Matthew dying - and they really are debilitating, but I don't know what more to do about them.
Anyway, I read my scriptures and surfed the internet for a while, and now it's 9:43 and time for bed, pretty much. I'm excited for this day to be over. They're calling for rain and thunderstorms tonight and tomorrow, and I'm actually looking forward to it (provided it's not scary...storms have become a new fear of mine) and tomorrow I turn 25 weeks pregnant. I can't believe how fast time is flying. I love it! I'm starting to get excited to just meet this baby already. People keep asking me if I'm ready for another, and I say, "Heck no! I don't have to be ready until October, and I'm counting on Elijah getting 3.5 months older before I have to think about another baby!" and it's sort of true, and sort of not. True, because we have nothing ready for this baby, and I haven't even started thinking about taking care of Elijah AND a newborn (I almost wrote "a baby" but I didn't, because to me, at least, Elijah still IS a baby.) But also not true because I'm excited and want life to turn it's next page, to have a van, to be a few months closer to a house, knowing what is going on with Elijah's speech or lack thereof, etc. Part of me just wants to skip these next 3.5 months. But only part.
I was looking at Elijah laying in his crib when I put him down, and the way he was looking up at me and kicking his legs made me think he was still 7 months old. I miss that 7-month-old Elijah, and I feel like he's growing so fast. No, TOO fast, and I'm missing it. I'm trying not to, but honestly, where did this little BOY come from? Why isn't he still my sweet little baby? It makes me heartsick to think about it, so I'm just going to wrap this up now. But ohh my, how I love him with my whole heart. And Matthew. And this little Abigail on her way. And how much I want to fast-forward time, and yet freeze it too. And I can't do either, so I'll just try my hardest to enjoy the moment, and have a better day tomorrow than I did today.
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Zzzzzzzzzzzzz....
All I feel like doing right now is sleeping, I am SO tired. Like, incapable of picking Matt up from work tired. If I had to drive I would (and I still might) but...bleh.
This morning Elijah and I went to the local zoo, which also has a playground and splashpad. We had a great time, Elijah particularly liked the water and threw a fit when I took him out of it, but I couldn't help it, he was full-body trembling and soaked head-to-toe, so we went to the playground instead.
I thought Elijah would LOVE going on a swing, it seemed right up his alley, but my mind completely didn't factor in his disdain for all things that contain him in any way, shape or form, so mostly he cried while making mad grabs at my arm when I pushed the front! He won in the end, and got to just walk around instead, going down a couple slides, and wandering purposefully towards the splashpad when he thought I wasn't looking. Then I threw him in the stroller and we walked around and saw some animals. Well, I walked, he sat in the stroller.
We took the tram, but made the mistake of going in the cart right behind the motor, and Elijah LOST IT! He started crying hysterically and grabbing for me, so I got him out of the stroller and held him against my chest, covering his uncovered ear with my hand. We made a quick exit after that! We went back in the splashpad for a bit, but then I decided it was time for lunch, so we ordered some food and ate it quietly at our table. I could tell by then that he was so tired - the poor guy isn't used to all the excitement and spending the entire morning outside - so after changing him out of his saturated-from-pee clothes, we went home.
About the saturated-from-pee thing. I thought that they must absorb really well or something, and left him in it, but it turns out that they absorb nothing. NOTHING. Well, except poo, they manage to catch poo, so props to the swimmers for that! But otherwise, I have never seen a pee leak so bad in my life! I put him in a regular diaper after that, but somehow this kid had still managed to leak pee again by he time we'd made it out to the car. He's a pro-leaker, he finds all the holes! :P
So long story short, we had a great morning, Elijah was asleep after 1 minute in the car, and I was struggling to remain awake for the 30-minute drive home. I crashed on the bed once I got him put down and slept for an hour and a half, but woke up more tired than I started. I COMPLETELY underestimated what a morning out would do to me! It was a lot of walking, in hindsight, and constant Elijah-watching, which I'm not used to. Usually if I'm in an environment like that, where Elijah is free to wander and walk, then Matt is after him. Because Elijah started walking AFTER I found out I was pregnant, I realized that I have no idea it feels like to chase after him and NOT have my energy sapped in the process. I also have a new-found appreciation for my husband and what a help to me he is!
We're going to go back, as we have seasons passes, and now I know what I need to be prepared for and with. Hopefully we'll be going more with Matthew, too, as I don't know how I'm going to do it in August, when I'm 2 months further along.
But hey! I realized today that I'm 6 months pregnant! Well, if you go by weeks, that is. But really I should go 6 times 4.3 to get the number of weeks pregnant until I'm 6 months pregnant. Which is 25.8, or 25 weeks 6 days, but I don't feel like waiting until my due date to say I'm 9 months pregnant, so I'll still with this system. Except I just calculated it again, and with the 4.3 thing, I'd be 9 months by 37w6d, so that's not bad. Hmm. I feel confused. My brain hurts and I'm just too tired to think long and hard about this.
I'll say I'm 6 months now, but I won't legitimately feel 6 months until next week. Whatev.
I should finish this now, I'm starting to ramble a lot.
This morning Elijah and I went to the local zoo, which also has a playground and splashpad. We had a great time, Elijah particularly liked the water and threw a fit when I took him out of it, but I couldn't help it, he was full-body trembling and soaked head-to-toe, so we went to the playground instead.
I thought Elijah would LOVE going on a swing, it seemed right up his alley, but my mind completely didn't factor in his disdain for all things that contain him in any way, shape or form, so mostly he cried while making mad grabs at my arm when I pushed the front! He won in the end, and got to just walk around instead, going down a couple slides, and wandering purposefully towards the splashpad when he thought I wasn't looking. Then I threw him in the stroller and we walked around and saw some animals. Well, I walked, he sat in the stroller.
We took the tram, but made the mistake of going in the cart right behind the motor, and Elijah LOST IT! He started crying hysterically and grabbing for me, so I got him out of the stroller and held him against my chest, covering his uncovered ear with my hand. We made a quick exit after that! We went back in the splashpad for a bit, but then I decided it was time for lunch, so we ordered some food and ate it quietly at our table. I could tell by then that he was so tired - the poor guy isn't used to all the excitement and spending the entire morning outside - so after changing him out of his saturated-from-pee clothes, we went home.
About the saturated-from-pee thing. I thought that they must absorb really well or something, and left him in it, but it turns out that they absorb nothing. NOTHING. Well, except poo, they manage to catch poo, so props to the swimmers for that! But otherwise, I have never seen a pee leak so bad in my life! I put him in a regular diaper after that, but somehow this kid had still managed to leak pee again by he time we'd made it out to the car. He's a pro-leaker, he finds all the holes! :P
So long story short, we had a great morning, Elijah was asleep after 1 minute in the car, and I was struggling to remain awake for the 30-minute drive home. I crashed on the bed once I got him put down and slept for an hour and a half, but woke up more tired than I started. I COMPLETELY underestimated what a morning out would do to me! It was a lot of walking, in hindsight, and constant Elijah-watching, which I'm not used to. Usually if I'm in an environment like that, where Elijah is free to wander and walk, then Matt is after him. Because Elijah started walking AFTER I found out I was pregnant, I realized that I have no idea it feels like to chase after him and NOT have my energy sapped in the process. I also have a new-found appreciation for my husband and what a help to me he is!
We're going to go back, as we have seasons passes, and now I know what I need to be prepared for and with. Hopefully we'll be going more with Matthew, too, as I don't know how I'm going to do it in August, when I'm 2 months further along.
But hey! I realized today that I'm 6 months pregnant! Well, if you go by weeks, that is. But really I should go 6 times 4.3 to get the number of weeks pregnant until I'm 6 months pregnant. Which is 25.8, or 25 weeks 6 days, but I don't feel like waiting until my due date to say I'm 9 months pregnant, so I'll still with this system. Except I just calculated it again, and with the 4.3 thing, I'd be 9 months by 37w6d, so that's not bad. Hmm. I feel confused. My brain hurts and I'm just too tired to think long and hard about this.
I'll say I'm 6 months now, but I won't legitimately feel 6 months until next week. Whatev.
I should finish this now, I'm starting to ramble a lot.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
24w0d
How Far Along: 24w0d
Weight Gain: 10-11lb's
Stretch Marks: Just the old white ones from Elijah
Maternity Clothes: Completely, and may I just say that, while I love the panel-pants, they really suck in summer because they are soooo warm
Symptoms: Easily winded, stuffy nose, always tired, achy tummy. Although I just found out I have a UTI, so the tired-ness might be related to that? Oh, and my sciatic pain has kicked in again.
Sleep: The sciatic pain has made the last 2 or 3 nights rough, but otherwise no change
Best Moment of the Week: SEEING kicks! Oh, and viability!
Movement: Yup! I can almost always feel it from the outside if I put my hand there, and I can see it now too, now that she's kicking a little higher occasionally
Food cravings: Chocolate peanut butter ice-cream
Gender: A girl!
What I Miss: I don't miss anything, but I'm starting to feel a little down and bummed that I started this pregnancy so heavy. I'm anxious to do something about the weight and excess, but I need to wait. I'm getting excited to work out.
What I’m Looking Forward To: My follow-up ultrasound next Tuesday (for the hydronephrosis) and 28 weeks to me is the next big milestone
Milestones: Viability!!!
Emotions: Pretty mellow, though so incredibly grateful and excited. My dear friend Julia was due with her little girl today, but had her yesterday night, and now I am so much more excited than I was before about having my own little girl.
Here's the 24-week belly in all its glory. I feel like it's getting bigger, but at the same time this week's photo looks thinner than last weeks. Maybe it's just getting "outter" or even pointier?
[caption id="attachment_850" align="aligncenter" width="200" caption="Not going to lie, noticing after-the-fact that Elijah was messing around in the toilet is hilarious to me."]
[/caption]
It feels pretty fantastic to be at 24 weeks. That's not just a little pregnant, that's getting pretty darn pregnant, and I'm starting to notice it.
It's funny because I hadn't noticed Braxton Hicks contractions yet this pregnancy, and then this morning, as if right on cue for 24 weeks, I rolled over in bed and was laying on my back to see how high my fundus is at this weekly milestone, and it was rock hard all over. Then later on today I was bending over and picking up Elijah's toys and all of a sudden it hurt to bend over because of the pressure it was putting on my Braxton Hicks-ed uterus. I also noticed today that I'm bending over and pulling myself up like a pregnant woman, if that makes sense. Just the bracing myself and so on.
Anyway, not much else to post today. I had a busy and full day, but mostly with shopping, dishes, dinner, driving Matt to and from work, and having the missionaries over for dinner. Good times!
Weight Gain: 10-11lb's
Stretch Marks: Just the old white ones from Elijah
Maternity Clothes: Completely, and may I just say that, while I love the panel-pants, they really suck in summer because they are soooo warm
Symptoms: Easily winded, stuffy nose, always tired, achy tummy. Although I just found out I have a UTI, so the tired-ness might be related to that? Oh, and my sciatic pain has kicked in again.
Sleep: The sciatic pain has made the last 2 or 3 nights rough, but otherwise no change
Best Moment of the Week: SEEING kicks! Oh, and viability!
Movement: Yup! I can almost always feel it from the outside if I put my hand there, and I can see it now too, now that she's kicking a little higher occasionally
Food cravings: Chocolate peanut butter ice-cream
Gender: A girl!
What I Miss: I don't miss anything, but I'm starting to feel a little down and bummed that I started this pregnancy so heavy. I'm anxious to do something about the weight and excess, but I need to wait. I'm getting excited to work out.
What I’m Looking Forward To: My follow-up ultrasound next Tuesday (for the hydronephrosis) and 28 weeks to me is the next big milestone
Milestones: Viability!!!
Emotions: Pretty mellow, though so incredibly grateful and excited. My dear friend Julia was due with her little girl today, but had her yesterday night, and now I am so much more excited than I was before about having my own little girl.
Here's the 24-week belly in all its glory. I feel like it's getting bigger, but at the same time this week's photo looks thinner than last weeks. Maybe it's just getting "outter" or even pointier?
[caption id="attachment_850" align="aligncenter" width="200" caption="Not going to lie, noticing after-the-fact that Elijah was messing around in the toilet is hilarious to me."]
[/caption]It feels pretty fantastic to be at 24 weeks. That's not just a little pregnant, that's getting pretty darn pregnant, and I'm starting to notice it.
It's funny because I hadn't noticed Braxton Hicks contractions yet this pregnancy, and then this morning, as if right on cue for 24 weeks, I rolled over in bed and was laying on my back to see how high my fundus is at this weekly milestone, and it was rock hard all over. Then later on today I was bending over and picking up Elijah's toys and all of a sudden it hurt to bend over because of the pressure it was putting on my Braxton Hicks-ed uterus. I also noticed today that I'm bending over and pulling myself up like a pregnant woman, if that makes sense. Just the bracing myself and so on.
Anyway, not much else to post today. I had a busy and full day, but mostly with shopping, dishes, dinner, driving Matt to and from work, and having the missionaries over for dinner. Good times!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Am I boring?
Here's what I love about my blog: I can look back and re-read posts from 2 years ago when I was pregnant with Elijah. It makes my heart so happy to remember that time and kind of relive it all, and I'm so so grateful that I documented it in some small way. It's the main reason I'm documenting THIS pregnancy, and have made this my online journal of sorts.
I was just reading from back in September 2009 about when I was 24 weeks with Elijah, and I find myself wishing I wrote more about how I felt compared to what I was doing, but whatever, it's no big deal. I'm glad I wrote about SOMEthing, even if it was what I was doing in my life. In fact, I loved reading that too, I just wish there was more. Apparently I was swelling by this point and had gained 15 lb's, so I think I'm doing better this time around (I weigh in tomorrow though, so we'll see then!)
Here's the thing though. I liked those posts. They were fun, upbeat, and written totally differently than how my posts are written now. And I'm left wondering why that is the case?
I wonder if it's because I knew that there were people reading, and not just that, but people I knew and loved, and who knew, loved, and expected things of me. I stopped blogging there and changed the URL, so I'm 99% sure that there isn't anyone (or at least anyone I know) reading this blog, and I think it's influencing my writing on it. I think I've actually become quite boring!
Another thing that might be affecting it is my mood. See I've been struggling with depression for the last little while, but I don't generally talk about it in my public posts, and it's something that my immediate family does not know about (and if you're reading this well after-the-fact, it's possible you're just hearing about it now.)
Perhaps, though, my recognition of struggling with depression has changed my outlook on life. I was always afraid it would, I was afraid I'd hide behind the label, and I don't think I've done that, but perhaps there is a part of me that gives myself leave to just be grumpy or pessimistic, whereas before I acknowledged this struggle I would try to remain upbeat, put on a smiling face, and swallow the crummy feelings I had. It didn't always work, but maybe I tried harder? At least on my blog, I feel like that's the case.
On the other hand, I don't think I'm hiding entirely behind this struggle, as it really HAS become easier for me, knowing I'm struggling with this. It's helped me to recognize a bad day for what it is, and I'm better at forcing myself to do things anyway, which I wouldn't do before. I have more good days than bad, which is a big improvement from, say, 8 months ago, and I feel like I'm happier.
In terms of my blog, though, what do I do? I loved blogging, and I still do, but I want to have more of the upbeat-ed-ness that was present in my blog posts before. I always thought it was a little annoying needing to keep things all puppies and rainbows because people were reading, but at the same time, it's nice to force myself to be positive, because then I AM more positive.
So...my apologies (to no-one in particular) about my blog being boring for a while.
I'm going to use this time now to post some pictures and talk about happy things that I WANT to have documented in journal/blog, but just haven't done yet!
First, Rob and Kira's wedding. It was bee-YOU-tee-full. Matt and I took pictures, and I'm happy with how they turned out. More importantly, Rob and Kira are happy with how they turned out, so we're all happy!
Here are a few of my favourites:
They were so cute! I took mostly candid shots, as Matthew was the "directing" photographer. I also got a bunch of cute ones of Elijah and other family members as we wandered and watch while they had their photos taken. Here are some others:
So yeah! I'd upload more, but it's a lot of bandwidth, and we're charged a heck of a lot for 3 piddly Gigs (totally don't know if I spelt that right...)
Also, Elijah is crying and miiiight need up from his nap. I'm trying to let him fall back asleep for a teeny bit more (it's only been 1 hr 45 min, and he usually sleeps for 2.5 hours) but then, when I checked on him, he had leaked pee. Fantastic. I'm kind of hating these size 4 diapers. Their capacity sucks. Moving on...
So yeah, I'll try to be more upbeat. Life IS good. It's beautiful, in fact, and I'm going to write about it!
I was just reading from back in September 2009 about when I was 24 weeks with Elijah, and I find myself wishing I wrote more about how I felt compared to what I was doing, but whatever, it's no big deal. I'm glad I wrote about SOMEthing, even if it was what I was doing in my life. In fact, I loved reading that too, I just wish there was more. Apparently I was swelling by this point and had gained 15 lb's, so I think I'm doing better this time around (I weigh in tomorrow though, so we'll see then!)
Here's the thing though. I liked those posts. They were fun, upbeat, and written totally differently than how my posts are written now. And I'm left wondering why that is the case?
I wonder if it's because I knew that there were people reading, and not just that, but people I knew and loved, and who knew, loved, and expected things of me. I stopped blogging there and changed the URL, so I'm 99% sure that there isn't anyone (or at least anyone I know) reading this blog, and I think it's influencing my writing on it. I think I've actually become quite boring!
Another thing that might be affecting it is my mood. See I've been struggling with depression for the last little while, but I don't generally talk about it in my public posts, and it's something that my immediate family does not know about (and if you're reading this well after-the-fact, it's possible you're just hearing about it now.)
Perhaps, though, my recognition of struggling with depression has changed my outlook on life. I was always afraid it would, I was afraid I'd hide behind the label, and I don't think I've done that, but perhaps there is a part of me that gives myself leave to just be grumpy or pessimistic, whereas before I acknowledged this struggle I would try to remain upbeat, put on a smiling face, and swallow the crummy feelings I had. It didn't always work, but maybe I tried harder? At least on my blog, I feel like that's the case.
On the other hand, I don't think I'm hiding entirely behind this struggle, as it really HAS become easier for me, knowing I'm struggling with this. It's helped me to recognize a bad day for what it is, and I'm better at forcing myself to do things anyway, which I wouldn't do before. I have more good days than bad, which is a big improvement from, say, 8 months ago, and I feel like I'm happier.
In terms of my blog, though, what do I do? I loved blogging, and I still do, but I want to have more of the upbeat-ed-ness that was present in my blog posts before. I always thought it was a little annoying needing to keep things all puppies and rainbows because people were reading, but at the same time, it's nice to force myself to be positive, because then I AM more positive.
So...my apologies (to no-one in particular) about my blog being boring for a while.
I'm going to use this time now to post some pictures and talk about happy things that I WANT to have documented in journal/blog, but just haven't done yet!
First, Rob and Kira's wedding. It was bee-YOU-tee-full. Matt and I took pictures, and I'm happy with how they turned out. More importantly, Rob and Kira are happy with how they turned out, so we're all happy!
Here are a few of my favourites:
They were so cute! I took mostly candid shots, as Matthew was the "directing" photographer. I also got a bunch of cute ones of Elijah and other family members as we wandered and watch while they had their photos taken. Here are some others:
- Okay, so I might like this one of myself because I feel thin in it.
So yeah! I'd upload more, but it's a lot of bandwidth, and we're charged a heck of a lot for 3 piddly Gigs (totally don't know if I spelt that right...)
Also, Elijah is crying and miiiight need up from his nap. I'm trying to let him fall back asleep for a teeny bit more (it's only been 1 hr 45 min, and he usually sleeps for 2.5 hours) but then, when I checked on him, he had leaked pee. Fantastic. I'm kind of hating these size 4 diapers. Their capacity sucks. Moving on...
So yeah, I'll try to be more upbeat. Life IS good. It's beautiful, in fact, and I'm going to write about it!
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
23w0d, and Happy News!
How Far Along: 23w0d
Weight Gain: 10lb
Stretch Marks: None new. I wonder if you already have stretch marks, if they just get used again, like if they stretch out once more, and just get bigger, or if you actually get new ones?
Maternity Clothes: Completely
Symptoms: Easily winded, stuffy nose, always tired, achy tummy.
Sleep: A little worse lately. My body has been hurting more, and it's been so warm and sticky here.
Best Moment of the Week: Making it to 23 weeks.
Movement: Tons, and she gave Matt a swift kick this morning, it was awesome. I can't see it yet though, because she prefers kicking lower where I can't see my tummy.
Food cravings: I can't remember
Gender: A girl!
What I Miss: Nothing at the moment!
What I’m Looking Forward To: Viability next week. Scared stiff until then, all of a sudden
Milestones: One more week closer to viability?
Emotions: Scared, grateful, excited
And now for some happy news! Back in the fall I was contacted by an old acquaintance, Nancy, and we began talking back and forth, mostly about infertility, which she knew Matt and I had gone through, and which she was experiencing too.
Well, she gave me a call today, and it turns out she just found out she's pregnant! She's about 6.5 weeks along, and they just found out a couple days ago, so the lucky girl gets to tick off 2 whole weeks of pregnancy just like that! I wish.
But seriously, it's so exciting to me when someone I know who is experiencing infertility kicks it where it counts and gets pregnant. My heart feels so happy, and I cried tears of joy for her. I just can't believe it! It's even better because doctors told her back in February that her hormone and other tests levels were so low that she'd never get pregnant. Love it!
And what makes it even more joyous is that she's moving back to Canada next month, so she'll be around (YAY) and she get free healthcare, whereas in the States they have to pay $300 for their first ultrasound, and in the thousands of dollars to deliver a baby in the hospital. Yeah, crazy huh? They can't afford health insurance while they're in school, so this is a huge blessing for them, in terms of timing.
I'm not going to lie, one part of me is excited because I feel we can maintain the friendship more easily once she moves back. I wanted to see her once she did, but I was worried about hurting her by showing up all of 32 weeks pregnant. I'm only guessing here, but I think it'd be hard for her, even if she's happy for us, because she's wanted it so very much for herself, and I would have no way to NOT sport a very pregnant belly.
Now, though, she'll be 14 weeks when they move back, and about 15 when I'll see her at a mutual friend's wedding a week later, and I'm so excited!
At the same time, I feel bad for these feelings. I always hated feeling out of the pregnancy and motherhood club, and it bugged me a little feeling so "in" the club once I got pregnant and had Elijah. I'm so incredibly grateful that I don't have to feel hurt or like an outsider when people talk labour and delivery, but it hurts a little because I know there are others that feel out of it and that it pains them. I feel like I'm just being shallow by feeling like now I can include her in the pregnancy club, and that it makes it all better, but in this case, it kind of DOES make things better. Maybe because we both experienced infertility, so now we're back to being the same club?
And I realize how very gradeschool this sounds, talking about clubs and so on. I'm not sure if anyone would get it if they haven't experienced infertility. It's just...that feeling of being excluded from a pivotal part of life while everyone around you moves ahead, and you're just stuck where you are, no matter how hard you try, desire, ache, etc.
Anyway, I'm ecstatic about it. I want to do something for her, but I have no idea what. I'm sure I'll think of something in time though. :)
Oh, and here are some funny things about today:
-Elijah figured out how to open the fridge and brought me the container of raspberries while I was sitting on the couch talking to Nancy. Little monkey!
-I **think** he started imitating me saying "no" to him.
-catching Elijah dipping his hand in the sugar bag and licking his fingers and going back for more, all the while sitting on the deep fryer, using it like a chair
-pointing at something he wants. This is progress, people!
-I went to the midwives this morning to give a urine sample (test for a suspected UTI) and had to bring Elijah in. He had fun wandering around the washroom, but then he noticed the cup I'd peed into and started doing his frantic laugh and flailing his hands, which is what he does when he wants something. He apparently thought that mommy had magically created apple juice! He was upset when I didn't give it to him, and then brought me a new cup. You know, so I could produce magic apple juice again....hahahahhaha
Anyway, I need to read my scriptures before bed, so I should wrap this up.
Weight Gain: 10lb
Stretch Marks: None new. I wonder if you already have stretch marks, if they just get used again, like if they stretch out once more, and just get bigger, or if you actually get new ones?
Maternity Clothes: Completely
Symptoms: Easily winded, stuffy nose, always tired, achy tummy.
Sleep: A little worse lately. My body has been hurting more, and it's been so warm and sticky here.
Best Moment of the Week: Making it to 23 weeks.
Movement: Tons, and she gave Matt a swift kick this morning, it was awesome. I can't see it yet though, because she prefers kicking lower where I can't see my tummy.
Food cravings: I can't remember
Gender: A girl!
What I Miss: Nothing at the moment!
What I’m Looking Forward To: Viability next week. Scared stiff until then, all of a sudden
Milestones: One more week closer to viability?
Emotions: Scared, grateful, excited
And now for some happy news! Back in the fall I was contacted by an old acquaintance, Nancy, and we began talking back and forth, mostly about infertility, which she knew Matt and I had gone through, and which she was experiencing too.Well, she gave me a call today, and it turns out she just found out she's pregnant! She's about 6.5 weeks along, and they just found out a couple days ago, so the lucky girl gets to tick off 2 whole weeks of pregnancy just like that! I wish.
But seriously, it's so exciting to me when someone I know who is experiencing infertility kicks it where it counts and gets pregnant. My heart feels so happy, and I cried tears of joy for her. I just can't believe it! It's even better because doctors told her back in February that her hormone and other tests levels were so low that she'd never get pregnant. Love it!
And what makes it even more joyous is that she's moving back to Canada next month, so she'll be around (YAY) and she get free healthcare, whereas in the States they have to pay $300 for their first ultrasound, and in the thousands of dollars to deliver a baby in the hospital. Yeah, crazy huh? They can't afford health insurance while they're in school, so this is a huge blessing for them, in terms of timing.
I'm not going to lie, one part of me is excited because I feel we can maintain the friendship more easily once she moves back. I wanted to see her once she did, but I was worried about hurting her by showing up all of 32 weeks pregnant. I'm only guessing here, but I think it'd be hard for her, even if she's happy for us, because she's wanted it so very much for herself, and I would have no way to NOT sport a very pregnant belly.
Now, though, she'll be 14 weeks when they move back, and about 15 when I'll see her at a mutual friend's wedding a week later, and I'm so excited!
At the same time, I feel bad for these feelings. I always hated feeling out of the pregnancy and motherhood club, and it bugged me a little feeling so "in" the club once I got pregnant and had Elijah. I'm so incredibly grateful that I don't have to feel hurt or like an outsider when people talk labour and delivery, but it hurts a little because I know there are others that feel out of it and that it pains them. I feel like I'm just being shallow by feeling like now I can include her in the pregnancy club, and that it makes it all better, but in this case, it kind of DOES make things better. Maybe because we both experienced infertility, so now we're back to being the same club?
And I realize how very gradeschool this sounds, talking about clubs and so on. I'm not sure if anyone would get it if they haven't experienced infertility. It's just...that feeling of being excluded from a pivotal part of life while everyone around you moves ahead, and you're just stuck where you are, no matter how hard you try, desire, ache, etc.
Anyway, I'm ecstatic about it. I want to do something for her, but I have no idea what. I'm sure I'll think of something in time though. :)
Oh, and here are some funny things about today:
-Elijah figured out how to open the fridge and brought me the container of raspberries while I was sitting on the couch talking to Nancy. Little monkey!
-I **think** he started imitating me saying "no" to him.
-catching Elijah dipping his hand in the sugar bag and licking his fingers and going back for more, all the while sitting on the deep fryer, using it like a chair
-pointing at something he wants. This is progress, people!
-I went to the midwives this morning to give a urine sample (test for a suspected UTI) and had to bring Elijah in. He had fun wandering around the washroom, but then he noticed the cup I'd peed into and started doing his frantic laugh and flailing his hands, which is what he does when he wants something. He apparently thought that mommy had magically created apple juice! He was upset when I didn't give it to him, and then brought me a new cup. You know, so I could produce magic apple juice again....hahahahhaha
Anyway, I need to read my scriptures before bed, so I should wrap this up.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Just another journal entry
I guess this is a bit of a follow-up from my last post from this morning. The pain in my urethra has started to come back a little, but only because I was needing to go pee and holding it. I know I shouldn't hold it, but Elijah woke up 40 minutes into his nap and then cried on and off for 30 minutes, so I didn't want to go through there to go pee, and I didn't want to leave him alone here for a minute until I knew he wasn't going to start crying again. So I waited 10 minutes and then went next door to go pee.
I'm trying so hard to have faith and not worry. I still feel uncertain as to the future right now, and scared, and a big part of me just wants to fast-forward to 24 weeks, when I feel like I can relax a little more, and now I don't feel motivated to do anything pregnancy-related. I don't want to take belly pictures (though I probably still will on Wednesday (and GOSH how I hate that my mind is now adding "hopefully" onto the beginning and end of everything...)) and I really really don't want to read my one book. I have this fantastic book called Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, and I've been working on it lately, but I don't even want to think about envisioning labour and delivery and doing things my way, because I'm so afraid that labour and delivery will be this nightmare involving me giving birth too soon. It's awful.
I'm trying, I really really am.
There, I just went back and read what I wrote in my last post about the blessing I received. Heavenly Father has always blessed me according to those blessings, so I have no reason to disbelieve what was said this morning. I will be given comfort and strength. I will avoid injury or harm this pregnancy. I will have a healthy baby girl at the end of it all. And, just to sweeten the moment, said Baby Girl gave me a kick while I was reading all of that. I know she's okay, I know she's alive as she's been kicking me so much and I love it and am so grateful for it.
Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts.
On a different note, church was...interesting this morning. Elijah did really well in sacrament meeting until about 10:35, at which point dad took him out for a while. I was released as the 2nd counselor in Primary today, and don't have a new calling yet. Apparently my task is to work on getting Elijah into nursery, so that I'm free (for the time being) to serve.
So I went down to Primary at Farrah's request. She's the new Primary president and asked that I could be down there to explain things to her and help out during the Sunday School hour. I agreed, although I don't think I was really needed because Janine is still down there as her 1st counselor, and anything I told Farrah Janine could have. I didn't even do much to help because there wasn't much to do! Mostly it just felt awkward. I felt like Farrah wanted me to answer questions for her, but her, Janine and Claudia were there, and THEY'RE the presidency now, and THEY are the ones with decisions to make. I'm not really a part of things, and I didn't feel like a part of things, but more like an outsider. Which didn't upset me in any way, I just felt like not being there, because the whole mood of things had changed. When I was down in Primary before this week, I would help out, look after the kids, ask so-and-so to stop talking, check in on nursery, etc etc, but now I feel like I'm stepping on someone's toes and being bossy doing those things because it's someone else' responsibility. I hope that makes sense.
So then afterwards I went to Relief Society and Elijah was having a hard time. He was just crying a lot, and unhappy in general, and then I clued in that he was tired. He ended up falling asleep on me at 12:30 or so, and I didn't know what to do. If I let him sleep, that would be it for him for the day, and he'd be miserable, but if I woke him up then he'd be the world's biggest grouch and I'd have to leave RS. If I left RS, what was the point in staying at church, when I would only wait until the bell to drive home and finally let Elijah sleep? So I ended up just leaving early. It's not normal for him to be tired so early, usually he goes down for a nap at 1-1:15, but maybe he's sleepy because this morning he woke up at 6:15? And then he woke up from his nap too early....I'm starting to think he's teething again, and is uncomfortable.
So yeah, that was my Sunday at church. It felt a little hectic, as church DOES feel these days, what with Elijah wanting to wander and all, but it wasn't a complete loss. At least I didn't feel like there was no point in going! The testimonies I heard were great, and the 5 minutes of lesson I heard in RS was nice. I look forward to when Elijah is in nursery and I have some time to go to my meetings without him before this baby comes in October. Because that's when she'll come, right? Not uber early, or not not at all! I WILL push those thoughts out.
You know, in hindsight, maybe my cervix wasn't super soft. Maybe it was just swollen? Who knows. I'm no doctor (as Brian Regan would say!)
Matt's still not home from church yet. SAD! It's 2:30 and I want to see him. I think I'll finish this up and grab a bite to eat.
I'm trying so hard to have faith and not worry. I still feel uncertain as to the future right now, and scared, and a big part of me just wants to fast-forward to 24 weeks, when I feel like I can relax a little more, and now I don't feel motivated to do anything pregnancy-related. I don't want to take belly pictures (though I probably still will on Wednesday (and GOSH how I hate that my mind is now adding "hopefully" onto the beginning and end of everything...)) and I really really don't want to read my one book. I have this fantastic book called Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, and I've been working on it lately, but I don't even want to think about envisioning labour and delivery and doing things my way, because I'm so afraid that labour and delivery will be this nightmare involving me giving birth too soon. It's awful.
I'm trying, I really really am.
There, I just went back and read what I wrote in my last post about the blessing I received. Heavenly Father has always blessed me according to those blessings, so I have no reason to disbelieve what was said this morning. I will be given comfort and strength. I will avoid injury or harm this pregnancy. I will have a healthy baby girl at the end of it all. And, just to sweeten the moment, said Baby Girl gave me a kick while I was reading all of that. I know she's okay, I know she's alive as she's been kicking me so much and I love it and am so grateful for it.
Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts.
On a different note, church was...interesting this morning. Elijah did really well in sacrament meeting until about 10:35, at which point dad took him out for a while. I was released as the 2nd counselor in Primary today, and don't have a new calling yet. Apparently my task is to work on getting Elijah into nursery, so that I'm free (for the time being) to serve.
So I went down to Primary at Farrah's request. She's the new Primary president and asked that I could be down there to explain things to her and help out during the Sunday School hour. I agreed, although I don't think I was really needed because Janine is still down there as her 1st counselor, and anything I told Farrah Janine could have. I didn't even do much to help because there wasn't much to do! Mostly it just felt awkward. I felt like Farrah wanted me to answer questions for her, but her, Janine and Claudia were there, and THEY'RE the presidency now, and THEY are the ones with decisions to make. I'm not really a part of things, and I didn't feel like a part of things, but more like an outsider. Which didn't upset me in any way, I just felt like not being there, because the whole mood of things had changed. When I was down in Primary before this week, I would help out, look after the kids, ask so-and-so to stop talking, check in on nursery, etc etc, but now I feel like I'm stepping on someone's toes and being bossy doing those things because it's someone else' responsibility. I hope that makes sense.
So then afterwards I went to Relief Society and Elijah was having a hard time. He was just crying a lot, and unhappy in general, and then I clued in that he was tired. He ended up falling asleep on me at 12:30 or so, and I didn't know what to do. If I let him sleep, that would be it for him for the day, and he'd be miserable, but if I woke him up then he'd be the world's biggest grouch and I'd have to leave RS. If I left RS, what was the point in staying at church, when I would only wait until the bell to drive home and finally let Elijah sleep? So I ended up just leaving early. It's not normal for him to be tired so early, usually he goes down for a nap at 1-1:15, but maybe he's sleepy because this morning he woke up at 6:15? And then he woke up from his nap too early....I'm starting to think he's teething again, and is uncomfortable.
So yeah, that was my Sunday at church. It felt a little hectic, as church DOES feel these days, what with Elijah wanting to wander and all, but it wasn't a complete loss. At least I didn't feel like there was no point in going! The testimonies I heard were great, and the 5 minutes of lesson I heard in RS was nice. I look forward to when Elijah is in nursery and I have some time to go to my meetings without him before this baby comes in October. Because that's when she'll come, right? Not uber early, or not not at all! I WILL push those thoughts out.
You know, in hindsight, maybe my cervix wasn't super soft. Maybe it was just swollen? Who knows. I'm no doctor (as Brian Regan would say!)
Matt's still not home from church yet. SAD! It's 2:30 and I want to see him. I think I'll finish this up and grab a bite to eat.
No Title 2
I'm not sure what to title this one, as it'll be protected, and I just don't know what to call it without calling all of my protected posts things like "Worries," "Fears," or "Scared."
But I AM worried, fearful and scared. I hope it's nothing, it very well might be nothing, I PRAY that it's nothing. Last night I started getting these shooting pains that I figured out after a bit were in my urethra area, so probably related to a urinary tract infection. Fine, not that big a deal, and quite common in pregnancy, right? But in case I was overlooking something, I did a cervical check, and this is where the worry comes in.
When a woman is pregnant her cervix is supposed to be firm, and mine was the softest I've ever felt it, even more so than when I checked it when ovulating. I'm worried, so SO worried, because I don't personally know any reason for why my cervix would be so soft unless it was a bad thing. Usually a woman's cervix softens (or "ripens") shortly before labour, and it is the start of effacing and dilating, which once it happens you can't reverse.
I called my midwives last night to talk to them, and she was more concerned with the pains I was having than the cervical softening. I'm trying to not obsess over it, because if she wasn't focused on it, then I shouldn't be either, right? I just don't know what to think though. I'm going to be going in on Tuesday (in two days) to give a urine sample, and if my cervix still feels soft that morning, I'd like it checked when I'm at the clinic, or sent for a trans-vaginal ultrasound where they can determine cervical length and funneling.
I just wish I didn't have to think about this. In some ways I feel like it's a bad thing that I know about checking my cervix, but in other ways I wonder if it'll help at some point, like perhaps even now we can avoid some disaster because I knew to check it and not leave it be. I'm just...worried. Have I said that already? I'm only 22 weeks 4 days today, so this baby is not even viable, meaning they aren't big enough to live outside of the womb. Even 24 weeks would make a huge difference. I can't imagine losing this baby, and so my mind is not going there, except to flit there occasionally, and then flee from the thought as fast as I can.
I'm going to ask Matthew to give me a blessing before he leaves for his church meeting this morning.
**Post edit** Matthew did give me a blessing, and here's what was included in it:
-blessed that as I experience every trial and difficulty with this pregnancy, that I will have the comfort and strength I need to get through it
-blessed that in the end we will have a healthy baby girl
-blessed that as I meet with and consult doctors or midwives, that we will be able to prevent injury or harm this pregnancy
I feel like crying right now. With relief, but also as a release of all the emotions that have built up inside of me surrounding this worry. I needed to type this out so that, in the future, I could draw strength from it and continue having faith.
Before giving me the blessing I went back and read my journal entry (offline, in my hand-written journal) about when I was first pregnant and worried that I'd miscarry, and at that time, too, I was blessed that as I consulted with my healthcare providers, that I'd have a healthy pregnancy. I was reassured reading that again, because a healthy pregnancy does not involve losing the baby at 22 weeks.
Now my task is to relax a little, have faith, and put this fear as far from my mind as I possibly can, because it will do me no good to dwell on it. Everything will be fine. This little girl we have waited for will be fine. This will be just a foggy memory months down the road, when she is here and happy and healthy.
But GOSH I hate these fears of mine. How crippling they are!
But I AM worried, fearful and scared. I hope it's nothing, it very well might be nothing, I PRAY that it's nothing. Last night I started getting these shooting pains that I figured out after a bit were in my urethra area, so probably related to a urinary tract infection. Fine, not that big a deal, and quite common in pregnancy, right? But in case I was overlooking something, I did a cervical check, and this is where the worry comes in.
When a woman is pregnant her cervix is supposed to be firm, and mine was the softest I've ever felt it, even more so than when I checked it when ovulating. I'm worried, so SO worried, because I don't personally know any reason for why my cervix would be so soft unless it was a bad thing. Usually a woman's cervix softens (or "ripens") shortly before labour, and it is the start of effacing and dilating, which once it happens you can't reverse.
I called my midwives last night to talk to them, and she was more concerned with the pains I was having than the cervical softening. I'm trying to not obsess over it, because if she wasn't focused on it, then I shouldn't be either, right? I just don't know what to think though. I'm going to be going in on Tuesday (in two days) to give a urine sample, and if my cervix still feels soft that morning, I'd like it checked when I'm at the clinic, or sent for a trans-vaginal ultrasound where they can determine cervical length and funneling.
I just wish I didn't have to think about this. In some ways I feel like it's a bad thing that I know about checking my cervix, but in other ways I wonder if it'll help at some point, like perhaps even now we can avoid some disaster because I knew to check it and not leave it be. I'm just...worried. Have I said that already? I'm only 22 weeks 4 days today, so this baby is not even viable, meaning they aren't big enough to live outside of the womb. Even 24 weeks would make a huge difference. I can't imagine losing this baby, and so my mind is not going there, except to flit there occasionally, and then flee from the thought as fast as I can.
I'm going to ask Matthew to give me a blessing before he leaves for his church meeting this morning.
**Post edit** Matthew did give me a blessing, and here's what was included in it:
-blessed that as I experience every trial and difficulty with this pregnancy, that I will have the comfort and strength I need to get through it
-blessed that in the end we will have a healthy baby girl
-blessed that as I meet with and consult doctors or midwives, that we will be able to prevent injury or harm this pregnancy
I feel like crying right now. With relief, but also as a release of all the emotions that have built up inside of me surrounding this worry. I needed to type this out so that, in the future, I could draw strength from it and continue having faith.
Before giving me the blessing I went back and read my journal entry (offline, in my hand-written journal) about when I was first pregnant and worried that I'd miscarry, and at that time, too, I was blessed that as I consulted with my healthcare providers, that I'd have a healthy pregnancy. I was reassured reading that again, because a healthy pregnancy does not involve losing the baby at 22 weeks.
Now my task is to relax a little, have faith, and put this fear as far from my mind as I possibly can, because it will do me no good to dwell on it. Everything will be fine. This little girl we have waited for will be fine. This will be just a foggy memory months down the road, when she is here and happy and healthy.
But GOSH I hate these fears of mine. How crippling they are!
Friday, June 3, 2011
Hydronephrosis anyone?
Today I had my midwife appointment, and it went well. Blood pressure was good, pee strip was normal, baby's heart was beating at 150 roughly, and she gave the doppler a few good hard kicks that made my day. I'm measuring 2 weeks ahead, whereas 4 weeks ago I was measuring 1 week ahead. Interesting, but that's all I'm going to think about that, as I just don't want to go there, in thinking I might be further along, and therefore might have this baby early. It ain't happening, and I'm saving myself a lot of grief by recognizing that now and not at 41.5 weeks.
My midwife made me cry today! It was a relieving cry. I was just telling her about my worries that I somehow caused Elijah's speech delays, and she gave me a hug, and that just brought on the tears that I've been struggling to keep back these last few days. I'm worried, it's true. Sometimes though, it just feels good to cry about it.
My midwife reminded me of Rescue Remedy, which I always forget to take when I'm feeling stressed, anxious, or high-strung. Hopefully typing this out will help me to remember it in the future.
And the last thing of note from today is that the ultrasound (where I was actually measuring 19w2d rather than 18w6d) indicated a mild case of hydronephrosis. Sounds big, fancy, and a little scary huh? Except it's not really. It indicates an elevated amount of fluid in the nephrons (sp?) of the kidneys (well, only the right kidney in baby girl's case) and is actually possible when baby just needs to go pee. Which is 99% likely to be the case, because I remember little girl's bladder was full when we had the ultrasound. If it were to indicate something bad, it could be a soft-marker for Down's Syndrome, but given that it's the only marker, and my nuchal fold scan and bloodwork showed nothing to be worried about, they're not concerned about it at all. BUT (and here's the fun part) they like to do a follow-up 4-6 weeks later anyway just to make sure all is well, so huzzah for another ultrasound! It's been 3.5 weeks since the scan, so I'm just waiting for the phone call saying when in the next 2 weeks it'll be. I'm pretty excited to go for another and see how big this little one is, and I'm even more excited for a confirmation that this little girl is, indeed, a girl. We're going to have a 3D ultrasound done, but not until I'm 30 weeks or so, so it'll be nice to have a confirmation before then.
Is it really silly that I'm excited by all of this? I think it shows how very little there is to worry about, because if there's something to worry about, I'll be the one worrying about it, and I'm not at all.
Anyway, just wanted to do a little update on that!
My midwife made me cry today! It was a relieving cry. I was just telling her about my worries that I somehow caused Elijah's speech delays, and she gave me a hug, and that just brought on the tears that I've been struggling to keep back these last few days. I'm worried, it's true. Sometimes though, it just feels good to cry about it.
My midwife reminded me of Rescue Remedy, which I always forget to take when I'm feeling stressed, anxious, or high-strung. Hopefully typing this out will help me to remember it in the future.
And the last thing of note from today is that the ultrasound (where I was actually measuring 19w2d rather than 18w6d) indicated a mild case of hydronephrosis. Sounds big, fancy, and a little scary huh? Except it's not really. It indicates an elevated amount of fluid in the nephrons (sp?) of the kidneys (well, only the right kidney in baby girl's case) and is actually possible when baby just needs to go pee. Which is 99% likely to be the case, because I remember little girl's bladder was full when we had the ultrasound. If it were to indicate something bad, it could be a soft-marker for Down's Syndrome, but given that it's the only marker, and my nuchal fold scan and bloodwork showed nothing to be worried about, they're not concerned about it at all. BUT (and here's the fun part) they like to do a follow-up 4-6 weeks later anyway just to make sure all is well, so huzzah for another ultrasound! It's been 3.5 weeks since the scan, so I'm just waiting for the phone call saying when in the next 2 weeks it'll be. I'm pretty excited to go for another and see how big this little one is, and I'm even more excited for a confirmation that this little girl is, indeed, a girl. We're going to have a 3D ultrasound done, but not until I'm 30 weeks or so, so it'll be nice to have a confirmation before then.
Is it really silly that I'm excited by all of this? I think it shows how very little there is to worry about, because if there's something to worry about, I'll be the one worrying about it, and I'm not at all.
Anyway, just wanted to do a little update on that!
Thursday, June 2, 2011
This Baby's Name
Okay, so. For this baby, I had a lot of thoughts. One of them was not finding out the gender at all. Another was finding out and not telling anyone. Another still was deciding on a name and not telling anyone. After a couple of my friends recently decided on a name but kept it a secret, I found the whole thing rather fun. I didn't whine or complain or push them to tell me, I just waited until the baby was born, and I got excited and happy to know the name finally. I liked that, I felt like it was something to wait for, and I decided I wanted to do that too.
So hardly anyone knows this baby's name. I can't say no-one, because there have been a few incidences where it has come out, which I'll write about now.
First, with Anne, Lisa and Jill, months before I was even pregnant, I stake my claim on the name Abigail. I knew, for reasons I'll mention further down in this post, that I was going to use that name someday, even if I wasn't pregnant right then when I said it. So, when they found out that we're having a girl, the first thing out of Lisa's mouth was, "So are you going to name her Abigail then?" and I of course said "Yes" because they had known for ages now that that was my likely plan. Also, Lisa's having a girl just 6 weeks before me, so it might have been good that I said something.
The second case was when I was flying to Calgary with Tiffany a few weeks ago, and we were talking about names. She was bummed I wasn't telling anyone, and I tried to explain my logic, and eventually cited Julia, who had decided to keep her baby's name "Top secret" and was therefore my inspiration. I told Tiffany that if Julia told her her baby's name, then I'd tell her mine. I was pretty confident that she wouldn't tell, but when we got to airport, one of the first things that came out of Julia's mouth was, "Well, when Megan comes......" and my jaw dropped. It was pretty funny actually, and I held true to my word and told them, but asked them to not tell anyone else.
Then, Farrah knew about the name Abigail. She's known for over a year now that we were considering that name, and I told her about my qualms using the name, and how I wanted to pick another name instead, but would settle on Abigail if I had to, blah blah blah, and this story won't even make sense until later when I tell about WHY we're using Abigail. Anyway, Farrah didn't know for sure if we were going to use it, but I think she assumed (rightly) that we were.
So there's who knew (apart from me and Matt): Jill, Anne, Lisa, Tiffany, Julia and Farrah. More people than I'd have like, and more people than will know in the future (should I be so blessed!) but they each had their own circumstances, and I can't change it.
Last Monday (on the Victoria Holiday) we had some people over and Lindsay asked if I knew what the name was going to be. She was pretty annoyed that I'd decided to keep it a secret, I'm pretty sure she was disappointed and thought it was dumb, but whatever. I don't care what other people think. So, she goes up to Farrah the other day and says, "You know what Holly's naming her baby, right?" and Farrah, who didn't know that I wasn't telling anyone, said, "Yeah, Abigail!" and Lindsay gloated that she got it out of Farrah and found it out and was so sneaky. Farrah felt bad and told me the story last night, and I'm not going to lie, I was pretty upset about it. Not in front of Farrah, of course, because it wasn't her fault at all, but I'm still a little mad at Lindsay. It just seems like a rude thing to do, and not worth the energy. What is she really gaining? She's satiating her curiosity, but taking something really special from ME in the meantime, and it was a mean thing to do.
So I was wracking my brain, trying to think of how to repair the damage, because it just goes against my feeling so just let her know and tell anyone she pleases just because she was mean enough to trick someone. I decided in the end that I'd send her a facebook message, and if needs be, lie outright to her in the future. Because it's none of her business.
Here's the message I sent:
Hey!
Sooo I was out with Farrah this evening and she relayed a story to me about how you supposedly tricked her into telling you the name she thought we had picked. There's just one problem though...Farrah didn't actually know what name we had settled on! So before you go thinking you're terribly sneaky and coy...THINK AGAIN! :P
Love ya!
-Holly
You'll notice I kept it light and joking, and I didn't actually lie. Farrah didn't know for sure that we'd settled on Abigail, she'd just assumed.
And yes, for the record, I'm feeling terribly sneaky and coy myself. I figure that two can play at that game.
Now, I recognize that it's not a big deal. So she knows the name, so what? The list is getting long, as to who DOES know the name, and is one more person that big a deal? I know she's just excited for us, and this is one way of showing it. She wouldn't try to figure it out if she didn't care one way or another. So why do I care so much?
I think I care for a few reasons.
First, this is a special time. One where the baby is still inside of me, and I'm the sole protector of them and everything relating to them. Once she's born, other people will hold her, touch her, talk to her, even feed her, but right now, it's just me. I contemplated not telling anyone the gender too, so I feel like it's not too much to ask that no-one knows the name. It feels like a special little secret, and one that I've miraculously been able to not let slip (except in the case of Tiffany, and even then, I could have reneged and not told her, I chose to because my word was on the line!) I don't want to share this time and make it commonplace.
I also don't want everyone knowing the name because I really don't want there to be any debate or negativity surrounding the name. I don't think anyone would expressly dislike Abigail, but I know it's extremely popular right now, which would turn some people off.
Also, every time I told people what Elijah's name was going to be, it felt funny and not nice. I didn't actually like people knowing. I can't entirely explain why, it just made the name feel so commonplace and crass at times, and it bothered me. I didn't want a repeat of that.
I also feel like, there are things I wanted to do differently this time that I didn't. I wanted to not tell people that I was pregnant for a while. I wanted to hold onto that secret and be excited and not let people know, but that didn't work out. I don't know if I'll get a chance to be pregnant again, and do things how I'd want to do them, so I want to do things a special way this one time. I feel like I have to keep SOMETHING private and special and not for everyone else, just in case I don't get the chance to have a precious little secret ever again. It just means a lot to me.
And so, with all of these things in mind, yes it bothered me greatly that Lindsay would be so underhanded as to find out something so special to me in such a crass way.
I think another big reason it bothers me so much is that, I have very strong feelings and personal experiences tied to this name in particular, and I don't want it being treated in such a fashion.
I know I wrote about it in my other journal, or maybe I only mentioned the experience without writing about it. Either way, here's the experience.
When I was pregnant with Elijah I received revelation that he would not be the only baby I had. And so, when he was born, I wasn't worried I wouldn't get pregnant again; I knew I would. When he was only 10 weeks old, Matt and I were watching General Conference at home. During one of the talks (I think it was the presiding Bishop's talk) I had the thought come into my mind that someday I would have a daughter, and when I do, I'm to name her Abigail. I immediately dismissed this thought, as it was so random (it was actually completely unrelated to what the talk was about) and seemed like wishful thinking. The thought persisted though, and after trying and trying to push it out of my mind, I said a silent prayer to Heavenly Father, asking if what I was feeling was prompted by the Spirit and true, or if it really WAS just my mind wandering during General Conference. I felt the Spirit confirm to me that it was true, and ever since then I have felt peace, knowing I'd have at least one more child.
A week later began the episode where I thought I was pregnant and wasn't. I thought that it was Heavenly Father blessing me with this Abigail, and I felt so convinced of it that I was devastated when it turned out that I was not pregnant at that time. It was silly to have wanted to be when Elijah was only 11 weeks old, but I had misunderstood the Spirit throughout that week, and felt that the Spirit had confirmed that I was, indeed pregnant. I still don't fully understand that experience or the feelings I had or promptings I (thought that I) had received, and mostly I try to not think about it much. I was honestly and truly devastated, and life was a little hard for me after that. I struggled for a few days spiritually, and felt very empty inside. I felt like, if I had misinterpreted the Spirit throughout that week, then what other times in my life had I NOT actually been directed by the spirit, when I thought I had been? Nothing felt sure anymore.
Eventually I sorted myself out. I thought through some spiritual experiences that I knew were true. I knew the Gospel was true and that my desires to join the church were right before Heavenly Father. Other times, like when I'd decided to break up with Paul, felt right to me. I also felt like the experience with someday having a girl named Abigail was true, even if then was not the time when it would happen.
Like I said, I still don't know what to think about those experiences from that week, but I try to not think about it much. I feel like I don't remember the experience, what I prayed for and the answers I received, well enough to sort it out properly in my mind and heart, so I usually just leave the subject alone.
One repercussion of the experience was that, having thought I was pregnant again, I realized how much I WANTED to be pregnant again, and was filled with a desire to be so. It made my first year as a mother and with Elijah more difficult, stressful and confusing than it needed to be. Where before I was okay with waiting to try until Elijah was a year old, I suddenly didn't want to wait, and had a hard time, over-analyzing my body and so on. (As an aside, wow this is becoming longer and more detailed than I ever intended. I'm throwing a few stories into one I think.)
I did end up getting pregnant before Elijah turned a year old (by 2 days!) and I was unsure of what to think. I wanted a girl, but at the same time I recognized that, if this was a boy, I knew I'd have more children, because I still needed to have my Abigail. I also struggled because, while I love the name Abigail, it's not my favourite name, and it's not the name I'd have picked.
Part of me doesn't want to settle on a name at all. I've always wanted to have lists of names, and then pick the name that is right once the baby is here and born. Part of that desire stems from the fact that, when I was pregnant with Elijah, I had a spiritual experience that confirmed to me that his name should be Elijah, and yet, once he was born, it didn't fit him at all. It took at least 2 months for me to start feeling like that was his name, and to stop feeling like I'd picked the wrong one, and surely he should be called something else. I hate to say it, but I feel like I missed out on something there. I don't like saying that though, because I feel like the spiritual experience should have sufficed. And while I was pregnant, it did! He was Elijah and I knew that. But afterwards? Not at all. He was The Baby.
So I wanted to pick this name later, once I saw the baby and felt that it was the right name. So the idea of already knowing the baby's name is Abigail bothered me. But then I thought, "Well, I only felt that SOMEDAY I'd have a girl and call her Abigail. I don't know if we're going to have more than one, and if THIS is Abigail, or if some future daughter will be called Abigail." So I still planned on picking the name later on. Then I felt like that might be blasphemy, or throwing the revelation I'd received back in Heavenly Father's face. I decided that I'd assume that this was indeed Abigail, unless I felt prompted otherwise.
I still do feel like I'd rather wait until she's born to know, because I really want that conviction that this is her name. I hope, pray, and to some extent expect that it will happen, that I'll know one way or another, because I haven't felt a confirmation that this IS Abigail. I'm just going to keep on assuming it is for now.
When we had our ultrasound and found out this was a girl, I couldn't picture any other name for her. It feels like she's Abigail, and yet, I don't know if that's just because I've closed my mind off to every other name for now.
A month or two before I even got pregnant this time, I had a dream, and in the dream I delivered a baby at 37 weeks, standing up, while walking somewhere at church. All of a sudden I had to push, and out came this baby! I caught her, and she was so sweet and beautiful. A short time later I was holding this little girl swaddled and with a hat on, and I felt this overwhelming feeling, and I thought "Of COURSE you're Abigail! You couldn't be anyone BUT Abigail!" She had blue eyes and blonde hair, and I was so in love.
It might sound silly, but I WANT that "Ah-ha" moment, where I just know. I figure that if I can feel it so overwhelmingly in my dream, that it WILL happen. That's what I hope anyway.
So there. That's my story. Or Abigail's story, rather! I do love the name, and I'm getting used to it, I just have a hard time giving up my favourite names, like Esme, Anne, Elizabeth, and so on. I wanted to use Esme so badly, and I really dislike the thought of using it as a middle name, because then I can never use it in the future. And yet, will I ever even have a little girl again? I don't know. It's all so confusing. And exciting! And beautiful all at the same time.
I am so excited for this little girl. I love her already, and just typing all of this out has made me anxious for October to get here, for labour and delivery, for everything. I still can't believe I'm the one experiencing this all, and I feel so blessed.
And now, I'm going to nap. I was going to work on photos this afternoon (I took a bunch for Dave and Farrah yesterday) but I'm tired, and might manage to get a little nap in before Elijah wakes up.
So hardly anyone knows this baby's name. I can't say no-one, because there have been a few incidences where it has come out, which I'll write about now.
First, with Anne, Lisa and Jill, months before I was even pregnant, I stake my claim on the name Abigail. I knew, for reasons I'll mention further down in this post, that I was going to use that name someday, even if I wasn't pregnant right then when I said it. So, when they found out that we're having a girl, the first thing out of Lisa's mouth was, "So are you going to name her Abigail then?" and I of course said "Yes" because they had known for ages now that that was my likely plan. Also, Lisa's having a girl just 6 weeks before me, so it might have been good that I said something.
The second case was when I was flying to Calgary with Tiffany a few weeks ago, and we were talking about names. She was bummed I wasn't telling anyone, and I tried to explain my logic, and eventually cited Julia, who had decided to keep her baby's name "Top secret" and was therefore my inspiration. I told Tiffany that if Julia told her her baby's name, then I'd tell her mine. I was pretty confident that she wouldn't tell, but when we got to airport, one of the first things that came out of Julia's mouth was, "Well, when Megan comes......" and my jaw dropped. It was pretty funny actually, and I held true to my word and told them, but asked them to not tell anyone else.
Then, Farrah knew about the name Abigail. She's known for over a year now that we were considering that name, and I told her about my qualms using the name, and how I wanted to pick another name instead, but would settle on Abigail if I had to, blah blah blah, and this story won't even make sense until later when I tell about WHY we're using Abigail. Anyway, Farrah didn't know for sure if we were going to use it, but I think she assumed (rightly) that we were.
So there's who knew (apart from me and Matt): Jill, Anne, Lisa, Tiffany, Julia and Farrah. More people than I'd have like, and more people than will know in the future (should I be so blessed!) but they each had their own circumstances, and I can't change it.
Last Monday (on the Victoria Holiday) we had some people over and Lindsay asked if I knew what the name was going to be. She was pretty annoyed that I'd decided to keep it a secret, I'm pretty sure she was disappointed and thought it was dumb, but whatever. I don't care what other people think. So, she goes up to Farrah the other day and says, "You know what Holly's naming her baby, right?" and Farrah, who didn't know that I wasn't telling anyone, said, "Yeah, Abigail!" and Lindsay gloated that she got it out of Farrah and found it out and was so sneaky. Farrah felt bad and told me the story last night, and I'm not going to lie, I was pretty upset about it. Not in front of Farrah, of course, because it wasn't her fault at all, but I'm still a little mad at Lindsay. It just seems like a rude thing to do, and not worth the energy. What is she really gaining? She's satiating her curiosity, but taking something really special from ME in the meantime, and it was a mean thing to do.
So I was wracking my brain, trying to think of how to repair the damage, because it just goes against my feeling so just let her know and tell anyone she pleases just because she was mean enough to trick someone. I decided in the end that I'd send her a facebook message, and if needs be, lie outright to her in the future. Because it's none of her business.
Here's the message I sent:
Hey!
Sooo I was out with Farrah this evening and she relayed a story to me about how you supposedly tricked her into telling you the name she thought we had picked. There's just one problem though...Farrah didn't actually know what name we had settled on! So before you go thinking you're terribly sneaky and coy...THINK AGAIN! :P
Love ya!
-Holly
You'll notice I kept it light and joking, and I didn't actually lie. Farrah didn't know for sure that we'd settled on Abigail, she'd just assumed.
And yes, for the record, I'm feeling terribly sneaky and coy myself. I figure that two can play at that game.
Now, I recognize that it's not a big deal. So she knows the name, so what? The list is getting long, as to who DOES know the name, and is one more person that big a deal? I know she's just excited for us, and this is one way of showing it. She wouldn't try to figure it out if she didn't care one way or another. So why do I care so much?
I think I care for a few reasons.
First, this is a special time. One where the baby is still inside of me, and I'm the sole protector of them and everything relating to them. Once she's born, other people will hold her, touch her, talk to her, even feed her, but right now, it's just me. I contemplated not telling anyone the gender too, so I feel like it's not too much to ask that no-one knows the name. It feels like a special little secret, and one that I've miraculously been able to not let slip (except in the case of Tiffany, and even then, I could have reneged and not told her, I chose to because my word was on the line!) I don't want to share this time and make it commonplace.
I also don't want everyone knowing the name because I really don't want there to be any debate or negativity surrounding the name. I don't think anyone would expressly dislike Abigail, but I know it's extremely popular right now, which would turn some people off.
Also, every time I told people what Elijah's name was going to be, it felt funny and not nice. I didn't actually like people knowing. I can't entirely explain why, it just made the name feel so commonplace and crass at times, and it bothered me. I didn't want a repeat of that.
I also feel like, there are things I wanted to do differently this time that I didn't. I wanted to not tell people that I was pregnant for a while. I wanted to hold onto that secret and be excited and not let people know, but that didn't work out. I don't know if I'll get a chance to be pregnant again, and do things how I'd want to do them, so I want to do things a special way this one time. I feel like I have to keep SOMETHING private and special and not for everyone else, just in case I don't get the chance to have a precious little secret ever again. It just means a lot to me.
And so, with all of these things in mind, yes it bothered me greatly that Lindsay would be so underhanded as to find out something so special to me in such a crass way.
I think another big reason it bothers me so much is that, I have very strong feelings and personal experiences tied to this name in particular, and I don't want it being treated in such a fashion.
I know I wrote about it in my other journal, or maybe I only mentioned the experience without writing about it. Either way, here's the experience.
When I was pregnant with Elijah I received revelation that he would not be the only baby I had. And so, when he was born, I wasn't worried I wouldn't get pregnant again; I knew I would. When he was only 10 weeks old, Matt and I were watching General Conference at home. During one of the talks (I think it was the presiding Bishop's talk) I had the thought come into my mind that someday I would have a daughter, and when I do, I'm to name her Abigail. I immediately dismissed this thought, as it was so random (it was actually completely unrelated to what the talk was about) and seemed like wishful thinking. The thought persisted though, and after trying and trying to push it out of my mind, I said a silent prayer to Heavenly Father, asking if what I was feeling was prompted by the Spirit and true, or if it really WAS just my mind wandering during General Conference. I felt the Spirit confirm to me that it was true, and ever since then I have felt peace, knowing I'd have at least one more child.
A week later began the episode where I thought I was pregnant and wasn't. I thought that it was Heavenly Father blessing me with this Abigail, and I felt so convinced of it that I was devastated when it turned out that I was not pregnant at that time. It was silly to have wanted to be when Elijah was only 11 weeks old, but I had misunderstood the Spirit throughout that week, and felt that the Spirit had confirmed that I was, indeed pregnant. I still don't fully understand that experience or the feelings I had or promptings I (thought that I) had received, and mostly I try to not think about it much. I was honestly and truly devastated, and life was a little hard for me after that. I struggled for a few days spiritually, and felt very empty inside. I felt like, if I had misinterpreted the Spirit throughout that week, then what other times in my life had I NOT actually been directed by the spirit, when I thought I had been? Nothing felt sure anymore.
Eventually I sorted myself out. I thought through some spiritual experiences that I knew were true. I knew the Gospel was true and that my desires to join the church were right before Heavenly Father. Other times, like when I'd decided to break up with Paul, felt right to me. I also felt like the experience with someday having a girl named Abigail was true, even if then was not the time when it would happen.
Like I said, I still don't know what to think about those experiences from that week, but I try to not think about it much. I feel like I don't remember the experience, what I prayed for and the answers I received, well enough to sort it out properly in my mind and heart, so I usually just leave the subject alone.
One repercussion of the experience was that, having thought I was pregnant again, I realized how much I WANTED to be pregnant again, and was filled with a desire to be so. It made my first year as a mother and with Elijah more difficult, stressful and confusing than it needed to be. Where before I was okay with waiting to try until Elijah was a year old, I suddenly didn't want to wait, and had a hard time, over-analyzing my body and so on. (As an aside, wow this is becoming longer and more detailed than I ever intended. I'm throwing a few stories into one I think.)
I did end up getting pregnant before Elijah turned a year old (by 2 days!) and I was unsure of what to think. I wanted a girl, but at the same time I recognized that, if this was a boy, I knew I'd have more children, because I still needed to have my Abigail. I also struggled because, while I love the name Abigail, it's not my favourite name, and it's not the name I'd have picked.
Part of me doesn't want to settle on a name at all. I've always wanted to have lists of names, and then pick the name that is right once the baby is here and born. Part of that desire stems from the fact that, when I was pregnant with Elijah, I had a spiritual experience that confirmed to me that his name should be Elijah, and yet, once he was born, it didn't fit him at all. It took at least 2 months for me to start feeling like that was his name, and to stop feeling like I'd picked the wrong one, and surely he should be called something else. I hate to say it, but I feel like I missed out on something there. I don't like saying that though, because I feel like the spiritual experience should have sufficed. And while I was pregnant, it did! He was Elijah and I knew that. But afterwards? Not at all. He was The Baby.
So I wanted to pick this name later, once I saw the baby and felt that it was the right name. So the idea of already knowing the baby's name is Abigail bothered me. But then I thought, "Well, I only felt that SOMEDAY I'd have a girl and call her Abigail. I don't know if we're going to have more than one, and if THIS is Abigail, or if some future daughter will be called Abigail." So I still planned on picking the name later on. Then I felt like that might be blasphemy, or throwing the revelation I'd received back in Heavenly Father's face. I decided that I'd assume that this was indeed Abigail, unless I felt prompted otherwise.
I still do feel like I'd rather wait until she's born to know, because I really want that conviction that this is her name. I hope, pray, and to some extent expect that it will happen, that I'll know one way or another, because I haven't felt a confirmation that this IS Abigail. I'm just going to keep on assuming it is for now.
When we had our ultrasound and found out this was a girl, I couldn't picture any other name for her. It feels like she's Abigail, and yet, I don't know if that's just because I've closed my mind off to every other name for now.
A month or two before I even got pregnant this time, I had a dream, and in the dream I delivered a baby at 37 weeks, standing up, while walking somewhere at church. All of a sudden I had to push, and out came this baby! I caught her, and she was so sweet and beautiful. A short time later I was holding this little girl swaddled and with a hat on, and I felt this overwhelming feeling, and I thought "Of COURSE you're Abigail! You couldn't be anyone BUT Abigail!" She had blue eyes and blonde hair, and I was so in love.
It might sound silly, but I WANT that "Ah-ha" moment, where I just know. I figure that if I can feel it so overwhelmingly in my dream, that it WILL happen. That's what I hope anyway.
So there. That's my story. Or Abigail's story, rather! I do love the name, and I'm getting used to it, I just have a hard time giving up my favourite names, like Esme, Anne, Elizabeth, and so on. I wanted to use Esme so badly, and I really dislike the thought of using it as a middle name, because then I can never use it in the future. And yet, will I ever even have a little girl again? I don't know. It's all so confusing. And exciting! And beautiful all at the same time.
I am so excited for this little girl. I love her already, and just typing all of this out has made me anxious for October to get here, for labour and delivery, for everything. I still can't believe I'm the one experiencing this all, and I feel so blessed.
And now, I'm going to nap. I was going to work on photos this afternoon (I took a bunch for Dave and Farrah yesterday) but I'm tired, and might manage to get a little nap in before Elijah wakes up.
Worries
I know I'm a total see-saw when it comes to my worries about Elijah. Some days I can calm my fears, and others I am so so SO worried and cry about it. Today was a crying day.
We went to the Early Years Centre in Fenwick today and he had his assessment/screening done. He only gets a mark for tests he performs correctly, so even if we can't manage to get him to do the test AT ALL he gets a score of zero, and it's not graded out of anything less. So he got 6 out of 12, where there were at least 2 tests that he didn't do. I feel frustrated because I feel like he can do the things he didn't pass on, but doesn't do it often still, and wouldn't do it in that setting. The two things were pointing or grunting to get what he wants (he was in a freak-out-and-cry-for-things mood this morning) and responding to one-word commands, like "Give" or "Up." I know he can do that one, because he responds to "Out" when we're in the bathroom, and I'm not sure, but I think he understands "Up." In the morning when he gets up he hands over his soother when we say "Soother", but I don't know if it counts because it's only used in that one context, but then, so is "Up" so I don't know.
I just feel frustrated. I know he's behind in speaking, I don't really need a reminder of that, and I'm doing everything I can. I'm just so worried about it. I WANT him to talk, it's one of the milestones that I've been most excited about and waiting anxiously for, but it's not coming, and I'm getting so discouraged. I just want him to be normal. It hurts, too, when Terrah is around, because she is babbling SO MUCH. Like, using intonation and everything, and then last weekend when Rachelle and Terrah were here for a few days, Terrah started repeating "No" and "Yeah" when anyone said it. It hurt so much because it's so cute and I wanted Elijah to do that MONTHS ago. Just repeat a word, he doesn't even have to know what it means. But no.
At the same time, I feel like he's started babbling a lot more over the last week, making consonant sounds, and sounding a little more like he's conversing and not just grunting or using vowel sounds, so that at least is encouraging. I have a hard time focusing on the little gains he's made, though, in light of how behind he is. It feels like he'll never talk. And I cry just writing that, because what if I turn out to be right? I can't stand that thought.
What's adding to all of this is the fact that I've been struggling with depression. I feel like such a terrible mother, like I didn't interact with him enough when he was younger. People would say, "No, you're a great mom!" but they weren't home with me on the countless days where Matt would go to work and I would just sit there, staring at Elijah, unsure of what to do with him or how to make him happy, and feeling like a moron for talking with him, so I just wouldn't. It wasn't until he was around a year that I started pulling out of it, interacting with him more, labeling objects, talking when we're in the car together. I feel like the reason he's behind in talking is that he's had this depressed mom who wasn't teaching him to do all of the things that he needs to learn, and it hasn't been until recently that we've been asking him to do things and giving him commands, so of course he doesn't know how to respond to that either.
I can't help but feel like it's all my fault. I feel so much guilt surrounding this, and everyone I talk to assures me that he'll develop normally yet, their kids didn't talk until late, I'm doing a great job, he wouldn't be behind because of me, blah blah blah, but I don't believe a word of it. Especially knowing that maternal depression has been linked to speech and other developmental delays. And knowing that makes me feel like a jerk.
I've been doing better over the last few months, I KNOW I have. I don't call Matt at work, crying my eyes out, that often anymore, whereas before it was every day. I've been making a bigger effort to keep the house clean, play with Elijah, keep the t.v. off, etc etc. At the same time, I'm worried about it happening again. Today, for instance, has been a hard day for me, and I just have not had the mental energy to interact with Elijah much. So tomorrow, at my midwives appointment I'm going to ask Mylene about going on Effexor. If she thinks it's a good idea, then I think I will. I want to see how and IF it changes how I feel, if it takes away the "I don't want to get out of bed today" feelings I have, and if I just do better. I don't want to repeat this mistake with our next baby, and I want to be the best mother to Elijah that I can be.
I love Elijah so very much, and it would be an understatement to say that it pains me to think that he isn't perfect and healthy and normal, and to think that I am the cause of it. I've been praying and praying so hard that everything really will turn out to be fine, but maybe I need to just pray for direction and peace.
Another thing that I worry about and feel a large amount of guilt over is that, with Abigail, I'm going to KNOW all of this. I'm going to know to get help so that I interact better, talk more, teach her things sooner that Elijah is just being taught now at 16-months. For instance, I didn't know that you teach them to sit up by sitting them up! I thought it just was a natural progression from rolling to creeping to crawling to sitting up to standing to walking. I had NO IDEA until Elijah was 9 months old and NOT sitting up yet that I was supposed to be doing it all along. So I feel like he's so disadvantaged, and I'll know these things with Abigail, and then she'll develop faster, be ahead, won't suffer from these delays that Elijah is, etc. And THEN I worry that these delays will affect Elijah in the long-run, like in school, and that Abigail will do better than him simply because I did better with her.
Ohhh the guilt and worries. I don't even know what more to say about it, except that I'm worried sick.
We went to the Early Years Centre in Fenwick today and he had his assessment/screening done. He only gets a mark for tests he performs correctly, so even if we can't manage to get him to do the test AT ALL he gets a score of zero, and it's not graded out of anything less. So he got 6 out of 12, where there were at least 2 tests that he didn't do. I feel frustrated because I feel like he can do the things he didn't pass on, but doesn't do it often still, and wouldn't do it in that setting. The two things were pointing or grunting to get what he wants (he was in a freak-out-and-cry-for-things mood this morning) and responding to one-word commands, like "Give" or "Up." I know he can do that one, because he responds to "Out" when we're in the bathroom, and I'm not sure, but I think he understands "Up." In the morning when he gets up he hands over his soother when we say "Soother", but I don't know if it counts because it's only used in that one context, but then, so is "Up" so I don't know.
I just feel frustrated. I know he's behind in speaking, I don't really need a reminder of that, and I'm doing everything I can. I'm just so worried about it. I WANT him to talk, it's one of the milestones that I've been most excited about and waiting anxiously for, but it's not coming, and I'm getting so discouraged. I just want him to be normal. It hurts, too, when Terrah is around, because she is babbling SO MUCH. Like, using intonation and everything, and then last weekend when Rachelle and Terrah were here for a few days, Terrah started repeating "No" and "Yeah" when anyone said it. It hurt so much because it's so cute and I wanted Elijah to do that MONTHS ago. Just repeat a word, he doesn't even have to know what it means. But no.
At the same time, I feel like he's started babbling a lot more over the last week, making consonant sounds, and sounding a little more like he's conversing and not just grunting or using vowel sounds, so that at least is encouraging. I have a hard time focusing on the little gains he's made, though, in light of how behind he is. It feels like he'll never talk. And I cry just writing that, because what if I turn out to be right? I can't stand that thought.
What's adding to all of this is the fact that I've been struggling with depression. I feel like such a terrible mother, like I didn't interact with him enough when he was younger. People would say, "No, you're a great mom!" but they weren't home with me on the countless days where Matt would go to work and I would just sit there, staring at Elijah, unsure of what to do with him or how to make him happy, and feeling like a moron for talking with him, so I just wouldn't. It wasn't until he was around a year that I started pulling out of it, interacting with him more, labeling objects, talking when we're in the car together. I feel like the reason he's behind in talking is that he's had this depressed mom who wasn't teaching him to do all of the things that he needs to learn, and it hasn't been until recently that we've been asking him to do things and giving him commands, so of course he doesn't know how to respond to that either.
I can't help but feel like it's all my fault. I feel so much guilt surrounding this, and everyone I talk to assures me that he'll develop normally yet, their kids didn't talk until late, I'm doing a great job, he wouldn't be behind because of me, blah blah blah, but I don't believe a word of it. Especially knowing that maternal depression has been linked to speech and other developmental delays. And knowing that makes me feel like a jerk.
I've been doing better over the last few months, I KNOW I have. I don't call Matt at work, crying my eyes out, that often anymore, whereas before it was every day. I've been making a bigger effort to keep the house clean, play with Elijah, keep the t.v. off, etc etc. At the same time, I'm worried about it happening again. Today, for instance, has been a hard day for me, and I just have not had the mental energy to interact with Elijah much. So tomorrow, at my midwives appointment I'm going to ask Mylene about going on Effexor. If she thinks it's a good idea, then I think I will. I want to see how and IF it changes how I feel, if it takes away the "I don't want to get out of bed today" feelings I have, and if I just do better. I don't want to repeat this mistake with our next baby, and I want to be the best mother to Elijah that I can be.
I love Elijah so very much, and it would be an understatement to say that it pains me to think that he isn't perfect and healthy and normal, and to think that I am the cause of it. I've been praying and praying so hard that everything really will turn out to be fine, but maybe I need to just pray for direction and peace.
Another thing that I worry about and feel a large amount of guilt over is that, with Abigail, I'm going to KNOW all of this. I'm going to know to get help so that I interact better, talk more, teach her things sooner that Elijah is just being taught now at 16-months. For instance, I didn't know that you teach them to sit up by sitting them up! I thought it just was a natural progression from rolling to creeping to crawling to sitting up to standing to walking. I had NO IDEA until Elijah was 9 months old and NOT sitting up yet that I was supposed to be doing it all along. So I feel like he's so disadvantaged, and I'll know these things with Abigail, and then she'll develop faster, be ahead, won't suffer from these delays that Elijah is, etc. And THEN I worry that these delays will affect Elijah in the long-run, like in school, and that Abigail will do better than him simply because I did better with her.
Ohhh the guilt and worries. I don't even know what more to say about it, except that I'm worried sick.
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
22w0d
How Far Along: 22w0d
Weight Gain: 8-9lb
Stretch Marks: None new.
Maternity Clothes: Completely
Symptoms: Easily winded, stuffy nose, always tired, achy tummy.
Sleep: Good when I'm not ridiculously warm, and when I have a pillow or blankets stuffed between my knees
Best Moment of the Week: Just general goodness! Although it's pretty fun having people feel that I'm getting to be "really pregnant" when I feel like I still have so long to go. It's like, "Oh yeah! I AM pregnant!
Movement: Lots and lots, and it’s getting harder too.
Food cravings: Watermelon, raspberries, chocolate
Gender: A girl!
What I Miss: Nothing at the moment!
What I’m Looking Forward To: My MW appointment Friday, viability in 2 weeks, the 3d ultrasound in a month and a half!
Milestones: One more week closer to viability?
Emotions: Ohhhh I've been so irritable and weepy, it's even driving ME crazy!
And the 22-week photo:
Yay for being "outter" this week!
I like this one because you can see how round my belly is. Also, I really appreciate my figure when I'm pregnant. I feel like it pulls all the right stuff forward, and makes it look like a cute belly. Huzzah!
And this last one makes me laugh a little. It's what I see when I look down:
It's SO round! It makes me happy, and is so hard to believe at times.
Anyway, I don't have much to update this week. Maybe I'll have more on Friday after my appointment? We'll see! I really need to get a post up about the wedding last weekend. Maybe today.
Weight Gain: 8-9lb
Stretch Marks: None new.
Maternity Clothes: Completely
Symptoms: Easily winded, stuffy nose, always tired, achy tummy.
Sleep: Good when I'm not ridiculously warm, and when I have a pillow or blankets stuffed between my knees
Best Moment of the Week: Just general goodness! Although it's pretty fun having people feel that I'm getting to be "really pregnant" when I feel like I still have so long to go. It's like, "Oh yeah! I AM pregnant!
Movement: Lots and lots, and it’s getting harder too.
Food cravings: Watermelon, raspberries, chocolate
Gender: A girl!
What I Miss: Nothing at the moment!
What I’m Looking Forward To: My MW appointment Friday, viability in 2 weeks, the 3d ultrasound in a month and a half!
Milestones: One more week closer to viability?
Emotions: Ohhhh I've been so irritable and weepy, it's even driving ME crazy!
And the 22-week photo:
Yay for being "outter" this week!I like this one because you can see how round my belly is. Also, I really appreciate my figure when I'm pregnant. I feel like it pulls all the right stuff forward, and makes it look like a cute belly. Huzzah!And this last one makes me laugh a little. It's what I see when I look down:
It's SO round! It makes me happy, and is so hard to believe at times.
Anyway, I don't have much to update this week. Maybe I'll have more on Friday after my appointment? We'll see! I really need to get a post up about the wedding last weekend. Maybe today.
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