This Baby's Name

Okay, so. For this baby, I had a lot of thoughts. One of them was not finding out the gender at all. Another was finding out and not telling anyone. Another still was deciding on a name and not telling anyone. After a couple of my friends recently decided on a name but kept it a secret, I found the whole thing rather fun. I didn't whine or complain or push them to tell me, I just waited until the baby was born, and I got excited and happy to know the name finally. I liked that, I felt like it was something to wait for, and I decided I wanted to do that too.

So hardly anyone knows this baby's name. I can't say no-one, because there have been a few incidences where it has come out, which I'll write about now.

First, with Anne, Lisa and Jill, months before I was even pregnant, I stake my claim on the name Abigail. I knew, for reasons I'll mention further down in this post, that I was going to use that name someday, even if I wasn't pregnant right then when I said it. So, when they found out that we're having a girl, the first thing out of Lisa's mouth was, "So are you going to name her Abigail then?" and I of course said "Yes" because they had known for ages now that that was my likely plan. Also, Lisa's having a girl just 6 weeks before me, so it might have been good that I said something.

The second case was when I was flying to Calgary with Tiffany a few weeks ago, and we were talking about names. She was bummed I wasn't telling anyone, and I tried to explain my logic, and eventually cited Julia, who had decided to keep her baby's name "Top secret" and was therefore my inspiration. I told Tiffany that if Julia told her her baby's name, then I'd tell her mine. I was pretty confident that she wouldn't tell, but when we got to airport, one of the first things that came out of Julia's mouth was, "Well, when Megan comes......" and my jaw dropped. It was pretty funny actually, and I held true to my word and told them, but asked them to not tell anyone else.

Then, Farrah knew about the name Abigail. She's known for over a year now that we were considering that name, and I told her about my qualms using the name, and how I wanted to pick another name instead, but would settle on Abigail if I had to, blah blah blah, and this story won't even make sense until later when I tell about WHY we're using Abigail. Anyway, Farrah didn't know for sure if we were going to use it, but I think she assumed (rightly) that we were.

So there's who knew (apart from me and Matt): Jill, Anne, Lisa, Tiffany, Julia and Farrah. More people than I'd have like, and more people than will know in the future (should I be so blessed!) but they each had their own circumstances, and I can't change it.

Last Monday (on the Victoria Holiday) we had some people over and Lindsay asked if I knew what the name was going to be. She was pretty annoyed that I'd decided to keep it a secret, I'm pretty sure she was disappointed and thought it was dumb, but whatever. I don't care what other people think. So, she goes up to Farrah the other day and says, "You know what Holly's naming her baby, right?" and Farrah, who didn't know that I wasn't telling anyone, said, "Yeah, Abigail!" and Lindsay gloated that she got it out of Farrah and found it out and was so sneaky. Farrah felt bad and told me the story last night, and I'm not going to lie, I was pretty upset about it. Not in front of Farrah, of course, because it wasn't her fault at all, but I'm still a little mad at Lindsay. It just seems like a rude thing to do, and not worth the energy. What is she really gaining? She's satiating her curiosity, but taking something really special from ME in the meantime, and it was a mean thing to do.

So I was wracking my brain, trying to think of how to repair the damage, because it just goes against my feeling so just let her know and tell anyone she pleases just because she was mean enough to trick someone. I decided in the end that I'd send her a facebook message, and if needs be, lie outright to her in the future. Because it's none of her business.

Here's the message I sent:

Hey!

Sooo I was out with Farrah this evening and she relayed a story to me about how you supposedly tricked her into telling you the name she thought we had picked. There's just one problem though...Farrah didn't actually know what name we had settled on! So before you go thinking you're terribly sneaky and coy...THINK AGAIN! :P

Love ya!
-Holly

You'll notice I kept it light and joking, and I didn't actually lie. Farrah didn't know for sure that we'd settled on Abigail, she'd just assumed.

And yes, for the record, I'm feeling terribly sneaky and coy myself. I figure that two can play at that game.

Now, I recognize that it's not a big deal. So she knows the name, so what? The list is getting long, as to who DOES know the name, and is one more person that big a deal? I know she's just excited for us, and this is one way of showing it. She wouldn't try to figure it out if she didn't care one way or another. So why do I care so much?

I think I care for a few reasons.

First, this is a special time. One where the baby is still inside of me, and I'm the sole protector of them and everything relating to them. Once she's born, other people will hold her, touch her, talk to her, even feed her, but right now, it's just me. I contemplated not telling anyone the gender too, so I feel like it's not too much to ask that no-one knows the name. It feels like a special little secret, and one that I've miraculously been able to not let slip (except in the case of Tiffany, and even then, I could have reneged and not told her, I chose to because my word was on the line!) I don't want to share this time and make it commonplace.

I also don't want everyone knowing the name because I really don't want there to be any debate or negativity surrounding the name. I don't think anyone would expressly dislike Abigail, but I know it's extremely popular right now, which would turn some people off.

Also, every time I told people what Elijah's name was going to be, it felt funny and not nice. I didn't actually like people knowing. I can't entirely explain why, it just made the name feel so commonplace and crass at times, and it bothered me. I didn't want a repeat of that.

I also feel like, there are things I wanted to do differently this time that I didn't. I wanted to not tell people that I was pregnant for a while. I wanted to hold onto that secret and be excited and not let people know, but that didn't work out. I don't know if I'll get a chance to be pregnant again, and do things how I'd want to do them, so I want to do things a special way this one time. I feel like I have to keep SOMETHING private and special and not for everyone else, just in case I don't get the chance to have a precious little secret ever again. It just means a lot to me.

And so, with all of these things in mind, yes it bothered me greatly that Lindsay would be so underhanded as to find out something so special to me in such a crass way.

I think another big reason it bothers me so much is that, I have very strong feelings and personal experiences tied to this name in particular, and I don't want it being treated in such a fashion.

I know I wrote about it in my other journal, or maybe I only mentioned the experience without writing about it. Either way, here's the experience.

When I was pregnant with Elijah I received revelation that he would not be the only baby I had. And so, when he was born, I wasn't worried I wouldn't get pregnant again; I knew I would. When he was only 10 weeks old, Matt and I were watching General Conference at home. During one of the talks (I think it was the presiding Bishop's talk) I had the thought come into my mind that someday I would have a daughter, and when I do, I'm to name her Abigail. I immediately dismissed this thought, as it was so random (it was actually completely unrelated to what the talk was about) and seemed like wishful thinking. The thought persisted though, and after trying and trying to push it out of my mind, I said a silent prayer to Heavenly Father, asking if what I was feeling was prompted by the Spirit and true, or if it really WAS just my mind wandering during General Conference. I felt the Spirit confirm to me that it was true, and ever since then I have felt peace, knowing I'd have at least one more child.

A week later began the episode where I thought I was pregnant and wasn't. I thought that it was Heavenly Father blessing me with this Abigail, and I felt so convinced of it that I was devastated when it turned out that I was not pregnant at that time. It was silly to have wanted to be when Elijah was only 11 weeks old, but I had misunderstood the Spirit throughout that week, and felt that the Spirit had confirmed that I was, indeed pregnant. I still don't fully understand that experience or the feelings I had or promptings I (thought that I) had received, and mostly I try to not think about it much. I was honestly and truly devastated, and life was a little hard for me after that. I struggled for a few days spiritually, and felt very empty inside. I felt like, if I had misinterpreted the Spirit throughout that week, then what other times in my life had I NOT actually been directed by the spirit, when I thought I had been? Nothing felt sure anymore.

Eventually I sorted myself out. I thought through some spiritual experiences that I knew were true. I knew the Gospel was true and that my desires to join the church were right before Heavenly Father. Other times, like when I'd decided to break up with Paul, felt right to me. I also felt like the experience with someday having a girl named Abigail was true, even if then was not the time when it would happen.

Like I said, I still don't know what to think about those experiences from that week, but I try to not think about it much. I feel like I don't remember the experience, what I prayed for and the answers I received, well enough to sort it out properly in my mind and heart, so I usually just leave the subject alone.

One repercussion of the experience was that, having thought I was pregnant again, I realized how much I WANTED to be pregnant again, and was filled with a desire to be so. It made my first year as a mother and with Elijah more difficult, stressful and confusing than it needed to be. Where before I was okay with waiting to try until Elijah was a year old, I suddenly didn't want to wait, and had a hard time, over-analyzing my body and so on. (As an aside, wow this is becoming longer and more detailed than I ever intended. I'm throwing a few stories into one I think.)

I did end up getting pregnant before Elijah turned a year old (by 2 days!) and I was unsure of what to think. I wanted a girl, but at the same time I recognized that, if this was a boy, I knew I'd have more children, because I still needed to have my Abigail. I also struggled because, while I love the name Abigail, it's not my favourite name, and it's not the name I'd have picked.

Part of me doesn't want to settle on a name at all. I've always wanted to have lists of names, and then pick the name that is right once the baby is here and born. Part of that desire stems from the fact that, when I was pregnant with Elijah, I had a spiritual experience that confirmed to me that his name should be Elijah, and yet, once he was born, it didn't fit him at all. It took at least 2 months for me to start feeling like that was his name, and to stop feeling like I'd picked the wrong one, and surely he should be called something else. I hate to say it, but I feel like I missed out on something there. I don't like saying that though, because I feel like the spiritual experience should have sufficed. And while I was pregnant, it did! He was Elijah and I knew that. But afterwards? Not at all. He was The Baby.

So I wanted to pick this name later, once I saw the baby and felt that it was the right name. So the idea of already knowing the baby's name is Abigail bothered me. But then I thought, "Well, I only felt that SOMEDAY I'd have a girl and call her Abigail. I don't know if we're going to have more than one, and if THIS is Abigail, or if some future daughter will be called Abigail." So I still planned on picking the name later on. Then I felt like that might be blasphemy, or throwing the revelation I'd received back in Heavenly Father's face. I decided that I'd assume that this was indeed Abigail, unless I felt prompted otherwise.

I still do feel like I'd rather wait until she's born to know, because I really want that conviction that this is her name. I hope, pray, and to some extent expect that it will happen, that I'll know one way or another, because I haven't felt a confirmation that this IS Abigail. I'm just going to keep on assuming it is for now.

When we had our ultrasound and found out this was a girl, I couldn't picture any other name for her. It feels like she's Abigail, and yet, I don't know if that's just because I've closed my mind off to every other name for now.

A month or two before I even got pregnant this time, I had a dream, and in the dream I delivered a baby at 37 weeks, standing up, while walking somewhere at church. All of a sudden I had to push, and out came this baby! I caught her, and she was so sweet and beautiful. A short time later I was holding this little girl swaddled and with a hat on, and I felt this overwhelming feeling, and I thought "Of COURSE you're Abigail! You couldn't be anyone BUT Abigail!" She had blue eyes and blonde hair, and I was so in love.

It might sound silly, but I WANT that "Ah-ha" moment, where I just know. I figure that if I can feel it so overwhelmingly in my dream, that it WILL happen. That's what I hope anyway.

So there. That's my story. Or Abigail's story, rather! I do love the name, and I'm getting used to it, I just have a hard time giving up my favourite names, like Esme, Anne, Elizabeth, and so on. I wanted to use Esme so badly, and I really dislike the thought of using it as a middle name, because then I can never use it in the future. And yet, will I ever even have a little girl again? I don't know. It's all so confusing. And exciting! And beautiful all at the same time.

I am so excited for this little girl. I love her already, and just typing all of this out has made me anxious for October to get here, for labour and delivery, for everything. I still can't believe I'm the one experiencing this all, and I feel so blessed.

And now, I'm going to nap. I was going to work on photos this afternoon (I took a bunch for Dave and Farrah yesterday) but I'm tired, and might manage to get a little nap in before Elijah wakes up.