No Title 2

I'm not sure what to title this one, as it'll be protected, and I just don't know what to call it without calling all of my protected posts things like "Worries," "Fears," or "Scared."

But I AM worried, fearful and scared. I hope it's nothing, it very well might be nothing, I PRAY that it's nothing. Last night I started getting these shooting pains that I figured out after a bit were in my urethra area, so probably related to a urinary tract infection. Fine, not that big a deal, and quite common in pregnancy, right? But in case I was overlooking something, I did a cervical check, and this is where the worry comes in.

When a woman is pregnant her cervix is supposed to be firm, and mine was the softest I've ever felt it, even more so than when I checked it when ovulating. I'm worried, so SO worried, because I don't personally know any reason for why my cervix would be so soft unless it was a bad thing. Usually a woman's cervix softens (or "ripens") shortly before labour, and it is the start of effacing and dilating, which once it happens you can't reverse.

I called my midwives last night to talk to them, and she was more concerned with the pains I was having than the cervical softening. I'm trying to not obsess over it, because if she wasn't focused on it, then I shouldn't be either, right? I just don't know what to think though. I'm going to be going in on Tuesday (in two days) to give a urine sample, and if my cervix still feels soft that morning, I'd like it checked when I'm at the clinic, or sent for a trans-vaginal ultrasound where they can determine cervical length and funneling.

I just wish I didn't have to think about this. In some ways I feel like it's a bad thing that I know about checking my cervix, but in other ways I wonder if it'll help at some point, like perhaps even now we can avoid some disaster because I knew to check it and not leave it be. I'm just...worried. Have I said that already? I'm only 22 weeks 4 days today, so this baby is not even viable, meaning they aren't big enough to live outside of the womb. Even 24 weeks would make a huge difference. I can't imagine losing this baby, and so my mind is not going there, except to flit there occasionally, and then flee from the thought as fast as I can.

I'm going to ask Matthew to give me a blessing before he leaves for his church meeting this morning.

**Post edit** Matthew did give me a blessing, and here's what was included in it:

-blessed that as I experience every trial and difficulty with this pregnancy, that I will have the comfort and strength I need to get through it
-blessed that in the end we will have a healthy baby girl
-blessed that as I meet with and consult doctors or midwives, that we will be able to prevent injury or harm this pregnancy

I feel like crying right now. With relief, but also as a release of all the emotions that have built up inside of me surrounding this worry. I needed to type this out so that, in the future, I could draw strength from it and continue having faith.

Before giving me the blessing I went back and read my journal entry (offline, in my hand-written journal) about when I was first pregnant and worried that I'd miscarry, and at that time, too, I was blessed that as I consulted with my healthcare providers, that I'd have a healthy pregnancy. I was reassured reading that again, because a healthy pregnancy does not involve losing the baby at 22 weeks.

Now my task is to relax a little, have faith, and put this fear as far from my mind as I possibly can, because it will do me no good to dwell on it. Everything will be fine. This little girl we have waited for will be fine. This will be just a foggy memory months down the road, when she is here and happy and healthy.

But GOSH I hate these fears of mine. How crippling they are!