I guess this is a bit of a follow-up from my last post from this morning. The pain in my urethra has started to come back a little, but only because I was needing to go pee and holding it. I know I shouldn't hold it, but Elijah woke up 40 minutes into his nap and then cried on and off for 30 minutes, so I didn't want to go through there to go pee, and I didn't want to leave him alone here for a minute until I knew he wasn't going to start crying again. So I waited 10 minutes and then went next door to go pee.
I'm trying so hard to have faith and not worry. I still feel uncertain as to the future right now, and scared, and a big part of me just wants to fast-forward to 24 weeks, when I feel like I can relax a little more, and now I don't feel motivated to do anything pregnancy-related. I don't want to take belly pictures (though I probably still will on Wednesday (and GOSH how I hate that my mind is now adding "hopefully" onto the beginning and end of everything...)) and I really really don't want to read my one book. I have this fantastic book called Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, and I've been working on it lately, but I don't even want to think about envisioning labour and delivery and doing things my way, because I'm so afraid that labour and delivery will be this nightmare involving me giving birth too soon. It's awful.
I'm trying, I really really am.
There, I just went back and read what I wrote in my last post about the blessing I received. Heavenly Father has always blessed me according to those blessings, so I have no reason to disbelieve what was said this morning. I will be given comfort and strength. I will avoid injury or harm this pregnancy. I will have a healthy baby girl at the end of it all. And, just to sweeten the moment, said Baby Girl gave me a kick while I was reading all of that. I know she's okay, I know she's alive as she's been kicking me so much and I love it and am so grateful for it.
Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts.
On a different note, church was...interesting this morning. Elijah did really well in sacrament meeting until about 10:35, at which point dad took him out for a while. I was released as the 2nd counselor in Primary today, and don't have a new calling yet. Apparently my task is to work on getting Elijah into nursery, so that I'm free (for the time being) to serve.
So I went down to Primary at Farrah's request. She's the new Primary president and asked that I could be down there to explain things to her and help out during the Sunday School hour. I agreed, although I don't think I was really needed because Janine is still down there as her 1st counselor, and anything I told Farrah Janine could have. I didn't even do much to help because there wasn't much to do! Mostly it just felt awkward. I felt like Farrah wanted me to answer questions for her, but her, Janine and Claudia were there, and THEY'RE the presidency now, and THEY are the ones with decisions to make. I'm not really a part of things, and I didn't feel like a part of things, but more like an outsider. Which didn't upset me in any way, I just felt like not being there, because the whole mood of things had changed. When I was down in Primary before this week, I would help out, look after the kids, ask so-and-so to stop talking, check in on nursery, etc etc, but now I feel like I'm stepping on someone's toes and being bossy doing those things because it's someone else' responsibility. I hope that makes sense.
So then afterwards I went to Relief Society and Elijah was having a hard time. He was just crying a lot, and unhappy in general, and then I clued in that he was tired. He ended up falling asleep on me at 12:30 or so, and I didn't know what to do. If I let him sleep, that would be it for him for the day, and he'd be miserable, but if I woke him up then he'd be the world's biggest grouch and I'd have to leave RS. If I left RS, what was the point in staying at church, when I would only wait until the bell to drive home and finally let Elijah sleep? So I ended up just leaving early. It's not normal for him to be tired so early, usually he goes down for a nap at 1-1:15, but maybe he's sleepy because this morning he woke up at 6:15? And then he woke up from his nap too early....I'm starting to think he's teething again, and is uncomfortable.
So yeah, that was my Sunday at church. It felt a little hectic, as church DOES feel these days, what with Elijah wanting to wander and all, but it wasn't a complete loss. At least I didn't feel like there was no point in going! The testimonies I heard were great, and the 5 minutes of lesson I heard in RS was nice. I look forward to when Elijah is in nursery and I have some time to go to my meetings without him before this baby comes in October. Because that's when she'll come, right? Not uber early, or not not at all! I WILL push those thoughts out.
You know, in hindsight, maybe my cervix wasn't super soft. Maybe it was just swollen? Who knows. I'm no doctor (as Brian Regan would say!)
Matt's still not home from church yet. SAD! It's 2:30 and I want to see him. I think I'll finish this up and grab a bite to eat.
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