Today I had my follow-up ultrasound for the hydronephrosis. The tech mentioned that the problem wouldn't necessarily go away by today, and that it can persist even into the baby's first year, but if so, usually goes away by their 1st birthday. Whatever, I'm not concerned about it. She wouldn't tell me a thing, but I'm pretty sure it's still present because baby had a full bladder again today.
All in all, it was kind of a disappointing experience. It was over too quickly, the tech wouldn't answer ANY of my questions, she didn't give me a photo to keep, she didn't tell me what the heartrate was, how big baby is measuring, etc. etc. I know, I expect too much, it's just, we had a great woman for our 19-week scan, and this one? Not so great.
I did get to see my baby today though, so that, at least, was wonderful. She's looking meatier now, her legs are less spindly and she has way less room than she had just 6 weeks ago. I got to see her little feet, and when I saw her face her jaw was moving, it was so cute. Also, I did get a confirmation that she is still a "she." Phew!!
I have a midwives appointment next Tuesday, so hopefully I'll get to know the results from there. Apparently they can check things like cervical length, and I'm curious to know that. Also, the things that I like to know for my own sake, like the heartrate, and what this ultrasound puts my due date at. Not that it matters, but I feel like I'm measuring big.
Other than that, today was kind of crappy. Matt was home for the afternoon, but I was just in a grouchy and frustrated mood after the ultrasound, so I snapped at him a couple times and just generally went stir crazy. I was mad that he had to go to work tonight. I hate that he works evenings. HATE it. Then, when he went to work he forgot to take the carseat out so that I could go out with mom to Walmart, and I was so very unimpressed by this fact. In fact, I called him to ask about it, and made him feel bad. On purpose. It was a mean thing to do, I know, but I was already so frustrated and upset, that the prospect of then being house-bound was too much, and I sat down and cried about it.
Mom ended up driving to get the carseat, which Matthew helped her install, and we went to Walmart afterall. While waiting for mom to get back from getting the carseat I read some blogs and facebook, and realized that my life is not so bad. In fact, compared to some (or many...) it's quite enviable. There are people who are having miscarriages, who want to get pregnant and have a baby, and I'm 25 weeks pregnant (tomorrow) with a miracle baby girl. SO lucky. And Elijah? Words can't even express how much I love him and how lucky I am to have such a wonderful, healthy boy. We have a nice home, the business is going well, we have a loving relationship (when I'm not being a snob) and are so incredibly blessed with the peace that the Gospel brings. When I remember these things, I realize that Matt forgetting the carseat is not a big deal. Sooo I cheered up lots, and had a nice evening anyway.
After putting Elijah to bed, something hit me, and I wish it hadn't, but all at once I felt this dread of Matthew dying. I hate when these thoughts hit me, because it feels so very CERTAIN, like the last words I spoke to him would be it, and he'd not come home tonight, and we'd not make up, and I'd have to wash the dishes every single day for the rest of my life and always think about Matt when I did so, and this baby would never know her daddy and how much he loves her already, and on and on and on. Once my mind starts, it's very VERY hard to get it to stop. In short, it's torture.
So I called Matt and apologized. I already wasn't mad, I hadn't been for a while, but just in case something happened, I was going to have said I was sorry and that I love him so much. I'm so morbid sometimes! I know it, and I wish I wasn't. I wish I wasn't riddled by all of these fears - most of them surrounding Matthew dying - and they really are debilitating, but I don't know what more to do about them.
Anyway, I read my scriptures and surfed the internet for a while, and now it's 9:43 and time for bed, pretty much. I'm excited for this day to be over. They're calling for rain and thunderstorms tonight and tomorrow, and I'm actually looking forward to it (provided it's not scary...storms have become a new fear of mine) and tomorrow I turn 25 weeks pregnant. I can't believe how fast time is flying. I love it! I'm starting to get excited to just meet this baby already. People keep asking me if I'm ready for another, and I say, "Heck no! I don't have to be ready until October, and I'm counting on Elijah getting 3.5 months older before I have to think about another baby!" and it's sort of true, and sort of not. True, because we have nothing ready for this baby, and I haven't even started thinking about taking care of Elijah AND a newborn (I almost wrote "a baby" but I didn't, because to me, at least, Elijah still IS a baby.) But also not true because I'm excited and want life to turn it's next page, to have a van, to be a few months closer to a house, knowing what is going on with Elijah's speech or lack thereof, etc. Part of me just wants to skip these next 3.5 months. But only part.
I was looking at Elijah laying in his crib when I put him down, and the way he was looking up at me and kicking his legs made me think he was still 7 months old. I miss that 7-month-old Elijah, and I feel like he's growing so fast. No, TOO fast, and I'm missing it. I'm trying not to, but honestly, where did this little BOY come from? Why isn't he still my sweet little baby? It makes me heartsick to think about it, so I'm just going to wrap this up now. But ohh my, how I love him with my whole heart. And Matthew. And this little Abigail on her way. And how much I want to fast-forward time, and yet freeze it too. And I can't do either, so I'll just try my hardest to enjoy the moment, and have a better day tomorrow than I did today.
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