I was just reading from back in September 2009 about when I was 24 weeks with Elijah, and I find myself wishing I wrote more about how I felt compared to what I was doing, but whatever, it's no big deal. I'm glad I wrote about SOMEthing, even if it was what I was doing in my life. In fact, I loved reading that too, I just wish there was more. Apparently I was swelling by this point and had gained 15 lb's, so I think I'm doing better this time around (I weigh in tomorrow though, so we'll see then!)
Here's the thing though. I liked those posts. They were fun, upbeat, and written totally differently than how my posts are written now. And I'm left wondering why that is the case?
I wonder if it's because I knew that there were people reading, and not just that, but people I knew and loved, and who knew, loved, and expected things of me. I stopped blogging there and changed the URL, so I'm 99% sure that there isn't anyone (or at least anyone I know) reading this blog, and I think it's influencing my writing on it. I think I've actually become quite boring!
Another thing that might be affecting it is my mood. See I've been struggling with depression for the last little while, but I don't generally talk about it in my public posts, and it's something that my immediate family does not know about (and if you're reading this well after-the-fact, it's possible you're just hearing about it now.)
Perhaps, though, my recognition of struggling with depression has changed my outlook on life. I was always afraid it would, I was afraid I'd hide behind the label, and I don't think I've done that, but perhaps there is a part of me that gives myself leave to just be grumpy or pessimistic, whereas before I acknowledged this struggle I would try to remain upbeat, put on a smiling face, and swallow the crummy feelings I had. It didn't always work, but maybe I tried harder? At least on my blog, I feel like that's the case.
On the other hand, I don't think I'm hiding entirely behind this struggle, as it really HAS become easier for me, knowing I'm struggling with this. It's helped me to recognize a bad day for what it is, and I'm better at forcing myself to do things anyway, which I wouldn't do before. I have more good days than bad, which is a big improvement from, say, 8 months ago, and I feel like I'm happier.
In terms of my blog, though, what do I do? I loved blogging, and I still do, but I want to have more of the upbeat-ed-ness that was present in my blog posts before. I always thought it was a little annoying needing to keep things all puppies and rainbows because people were reading, but at the same time, it's nice to force myself to be positive, because then I AM more positive.
So...my apologies (to no-one in particular) about my blog being boring for a while.
I'm going to use this time now to post some pictures and talk about happy things that I WANT to have documented in journal/blog, but just haven't done yet!
First, Rob and Kira's wedding. It was bee-YOU-tee-full. Matt and I took pictures, and I'm happy with how they turned out. More importantly, Rob and Kira are happy with how they turned out, so we're all happy!
Here are a few of my favourites:
They were so cute! I took mostly candid shots, as Matthew was the "directing" photographer. I also got a bunch of cute ones of Elijah and other family members as we wandered and watch while they had their photos taken. Here are some others:
- Okay, so I might like this one of myself because I feel thin in it.
So yeah! I'd upload more, but it's a lot of bandwidth, and we're charged a heck of a lot for 3 piddly Gigs (totally don't know if I spelt that right...)
Also, Elijah is crying and miiiight need up from his nap. I'm trying to let him fall back asleep for a teeny bit more (it's only been 1 hr 45 min, and he usually sleeps for 2.5 hours) but then, when I checked on him, he had leaked pee. Fantastic. I'm kind of hating these size 4 diapers. Their capacity sucks. Moving on...
So yeah, I'll try to be more upbeat. Life IS good. It's beautiful, in fact, and I'm going to write about it!
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