NaBloPoMo wrap-up

Well, obviously I failed the Nablopomo challenge of posting every day for the month of November, but I don't feel too badly about it. It did get me to blog more often, which is...good? I think? I don't NEED to blog, I do it because I like to, and because I want to document my life with Matthew, Elijah and Abigail somehow. So I figure that, at least for the blog posts in November, Nablopomo made a difference, and a little more of my life has been documented.

It's almost been a week since we posted. Here is how exciting my weeks are these days:

- Elijah got in for speech therapy, after a 4.5 month wait. That's not too shabby, and I feel good about the fact that he's getting in before he turns 2. To date, he can say "no" (we're pretty sure...) makes the "vroom" sound, signs "more" and "where," points at things he wants, and imitates us making the "hmm" or "mmm" sound, when he's in the mood. It's not much, considering how he was supposed to have 20 spoken words by 18 months, and he's now 22 months, but I'm trying to take it one day at a time, and focus on what he CAN do versus what he can't.

-I bought a Cricut, and I am in love. Matt is not sold on it, and it took some bargaining (eg - "What if I made ALL the Christmas gifts on it? What if I don't buy anything for myself for a month? Chocolate included?") but I'm pretty darn excited. Here is the project I'm working on right now. I'm making one for myself, one for my SIL and one for my friend Farrah. (just as a little explanation, as Latter-day Saints we're counseled to hold Family Home Evenings once a week with our families, which generally consist of a gospel lesson, song, prayer and some activity that the family does together. This board is designed to keep track of who is doing what each week.) Now, can someone PLEASE tell me what on earth I'm going to make for my two BIL's for Christmas? Because I seriously didn't think this one through too far, and realized that really only their wives would be interested in home decor.

-I spotted a little over the weekend, but seriously, it was pinpricks of blood on toilet paper. I had stopped bleeding abruptly 2 days before, so I know it was probably left-over (albeit bright red...) but I have to admit that there is an insane part of me that thinks it's implantation bleeding. Even though I've never been a spotter, and implantation bleeding is rather uncommon. It's silly, that I should even think that it's a possibility. I know it IS a possibility (protection? What's that?) and that it would make sense, timing-wise, but really.  There was the insane part of me that thought (thinks...) that it was implantation bleeding, but there's also the sane part of me, that coolly says to myself, "Self, don't be ridiculous. You had a LPD while nursing Elijah, and didn't get pregnant until he wasn't nursing at night, AND you'd been on B6 for months. You're fine. It's not even possible, let alone probable." And then I feel...better? Who knows. The insane part of me thinks it'd be exciting, and the sane part of me knows it's not the timing that we want, and that it'd be really unwise to have another baby while living in this teeny tiny apartment, and that we don't have the money for a house right now.

So, there you have it. The musings of a post-IF'er, 7 weeks PP, with side of wishful-thinking, and a sizable dash of rational wondering. And for the record, no, I'm NOT going to test. Because I figure that in all events, time will tell, and I just don't want to wander that far down this road. Mostly I'm writing it out so that it's out of me, and I can stop wondering and put it behind me, ya know?

-it's snowing. First time this season (that I've seen, anyway) and I feel like it's a little gift to me. I always feel like that, with the first snow of the season. And with snow, comes Christmas! We set up our (teeny tiny) tree on Saturday, as well as a small few other Christmas ornaments. We've maximized our use of space in the apartment to make it work, but as a result, we don't have much room for decorations. The little tree is on our table, and I have a couple shelves with my Willowtree nativity and a little Christmas village on them. Beyond that? A nightlight in the bathroom, a snowflake in the window, and some "Believe" blocks on a windowsill that Elijah can't reach. It's not much, but I'm glad it's SOMEthing. I'm really missing decorating our house this Christmas season.

-I got my 2011 Christmas ornaments in the mail yesterday. I order them from PersonalizedFree.com, because I like the quality, and the price is affordable. It makes me so happy, seeing them on our little tree, and seeing our names written out, like somehow it validates us, and makes us a real family. I already knew we were one, but there is something complete about it that makes my heart feel full.

-I am SO EXCITED for Christmas! Well, mostly for Christmas morning with Elijah. Matthew and I decided to buy him a train table for Christmas, so I picked it up on Friday when Toys'R'Us was having their sale. I got it for $150, which is not a bad price, considering how it comes with all of the track and a few buildings. I already have a ton of trains for Elijah, and I can't wait for him to come out of his room on Christmas morning and see the train table all set up. I know full well that he's not even 2 yet, and that I could be completely disappointed by a lack of immediate enthusiasm, especially if he has a bad night and wakes up grumpy, as sometimes happens, but I really do think he'll be excited and want to play with it immediately. I love gift-giving so much, and I'm just starting to learn how fun it is to watch your kids open their gifts. On that note, I don't think I'm going to get Abigail anything. Or, maybe I'll get her one thing to "open" just so that I don't feel like I'm shafting her, but really, she'll be 2.5 months old. She has no clue what's going on. She doesn't even know she has hands yet! So I think I'll get her a girly toy that I'll want her to have some day, like a Cabbage Patch Kids doll or something, and that's it. Because she doesn't need anything right now, not even clothes.

-I made dinner last night, AND I'm making it tonight. This whole making dinner twice a week at least thing is huge for me, and I'm pretty proud of myself. Yes, I realize how ridiculous that sounds to someone who is accustomed to making dinner all the time, but, much as I want to be the quaint little wifey who has dinner on the table at 5pm, while the house is glittering with cleanliness and the kids' homework is done, that just isn't me. I figure that's okay, but I also know that we can't have our kids growing up with dinner being at random hours depending on how long it takes daddy to cook dinner when he gets home from work at 5:15. We all need more stability than that, but I tend to balk at things that have to be done versus something that I actually want to do. So, when it comes to dinners, I like to give myself a pat on the back, because I really HATE cooking, and yet I'm doing it anyway. And THAT'S really what is huge about it all. An act of self-discipline, from the least self-disciplined person on the planet. Huzzah!

That's pretty much all I've got for today. I tried taking some pictures of our dinky little tree, but they didn't really turn out how I'd hoped, sooooo no pictures for this post.

As for what December holds in terms of posting, I think I'm not going to post every day, because when I don't have much to say, I tend to ramble about boring things, and we could all use a little less boring in our lives, I figure. ;)

Thankful Thursday...

...because even though it's not Canadian Thanksgiving, I have so much to be thankful for today!

- Abigail slept during the day today. Saying that does NOTHING to convey how amazing this is! I finally gave in and tried swaddling her and putting her down in her bassinet for a nap, and she slept for 2 HOURS. I crocheted and played hard with Elijah, and feel like a new woman. Then (yes, it gets better!) when Elijah went down for his nap, she slept for another 1.5 hours!

- today I would officially classify my PP bleeding as spotting...FINALLY! I am so sick of wearing pads, but my bleeding keeps tapering off and then picking back up. Yesterday was pretty much spotting, but today definitely is. At 6 weeks 5 days post-partum. I'm thinking of throwing a party, I'm so happy!

- I'm wearing my third pair of pants today. I'm not exactly thankful that I got pooped on by Elijah, or puked all over by Abigail, but I'm thankful for them, and it's kind of funny when you think about it. Oh, and may I just say, I need to NOT sit there and enjoy a random smile from Abigail when she's nursing? Because it always means she's about to puke, and I always forget that and just sit there enjoying the smile until she projectile vomits down my clothes. But seriously, it's the cutest smile that it makes me forget all else! And for THAT I am thankful. Not the puke so much, but the smile before it.

- today is one month until we celebrate Christmas. Enough said.

(and I meant to add more, but didn't, so I'm dating this post with yesterday's date. I might have more to add by tonight (Friday the 25th) but I'm not sure, as I'm going to the temple tonight with Matt, so I might be sleepy by the time we get home. :D

6.5 Week MW Appointment

Well, Abigail is officially discharged from the midwives. With Elijah, it felt pretty bittersweet at this point, mostly because I felt like I was barely getting my feet on the ground, and all of a sudden my constant source of support and help for the last 9 months disappeared. With Abigail, though, I feel like I stopped needing the midwives sooner, and that even though she was discharged today, we actually stopped needing them after our last appointment 3 weeks ago.

Yesterday I drove past my the MW's building, and it conjured up feelings of nostalgia, like, "Huh, I used to go there! Those were fun and exciting times..." and then I was like, "Wait a minute. I'm still a patient of theirs. I haven't been discharged yet, and I am still under their care! Why am I feeling all the nostalgia???" It was strange, to feel so detached and beyond that time of my life. I think it's a good thing, that I've moved beyond the pregnancy aspect of having Abigail, and that we're so well settled, having her in our lives.

Now, I realize that saying that without any other caveats makes it seem like we've got it all together, so I'll tell you now, we DO NOT! My biggest problem is that Abigail needs to be held all the time, it seems. You know how newborns are supposed to sleep a lot? Well, she took a 45 minute nap and a 20 minute nap while NOT being held today, and otherwise she caught 10 minutes here and 5 minutes there while being held, or traveling in the car. So she gets so little sleep during the day, and my shoulders are kind of burning, from cradling her in the crook of my arms. Tonight at crocheting (women from my ward get together to crochet...cheesy, I know, but I love it...) I got a little upset and frustrated. I felt so guilty, but Abigail was crying and I just did not want to hold her anymore, and had felt like I'd spent all day holding her. I picked her up anyway, and sure enough, she fell asleep a minute after I picked her up, but thankfully there were a couple other ladies there tonight who like to hold babies and wanted to help out. It saved me the trouble of thinking, "Why did I bother coming?"

I know that sounds entirely ungrateful, but I've stopped deluding myself into thinking that experiencing infertility makes you think hard parenting things are easy because you just love them so much (insert sigh here.) It's simply not true! It's hard to not get anything done, and have your toddler get jealous because you are ALWAYS holding the baby, and not able to play with him much. I DO love my daughter so much (so very VERY much!) but that doesn't mean I want to be her pillow and bassinet for every waking moment.

And speak of the devil...I'm going to have to finish this post one-handed it seems...haha!

So there, we don't have that down yet, and I'm also struggling big time with Elijah's new defiant phase. I try to do time outs, but he cries like I've wounded his soul. It breaks my heart, because there are real tears there, and all he wants afterwards is to hug and snuggle, which makes me think I'm doing something wrong, for him to get so incredibly sad. Anger, I can handle, and was even expecting, but TEARS? Seriously? But what am I supposed to do when he smacks Abigail's stomach so hard that she cries?

Anyway, on to the appointment! Abigail is up to 11lb 10oz and just about 24" long. She's a big girl. I tried finding percentile calculators, but couldn't find one that did it by weeks rather than months. Oh well.

I'm doing well as well, and am cleared to do pretty much everything, which is nice. We've had some nice weather lately and I've been wanting to go jogging before it turns too cold, so hopefully I'll be able to get out a few times before then.

It was fun talking to the MW I saw today. It was Kl, who delivered Elijah, and it was the first time I'd seen her since delivering Abigail. I thoroughly enjoyed talking about Abigail's birth story with her, she made a good audience, and could remember the particulars of Elijah's birth, so she could compare the two in her mind and be thoroughly shocked at all the right places. I love that seeing the MW's is so personal, and that they remember me and things about me so well. Also, I saw Kr briefly when I got there, and I realized that I genuinely love that woman. She is so wonderful and nice, and I feel an immense amount of gratitude for her and how she handle Abigail's delivery. I am so grateful for such great health care providers. Sometimes in Canada it's hard to find one that works for you, as there is a major doctor shortage, and you don't have the luxury of shopping around, you pretty much just go with the family doctor that is accepting patients, and count your lucky stars if you have one that lives within an hour or you. No joke! I feel so blessed to have such great MW's who happen to live in my geographical area. It is seriously one of the things that would keep me from moving away before I'm done having kids.

Anyway, I'm going to finish this up and head to bed.

Counsel from Stake Conference

In bullet points:

• From Matthew - We need to study the scriptures every day at 6:30am, and attend the temple together, despite having a newborn.


• Also from Matthew - story of how (mission president? temple president?) man's grandson died at age 6, mother (man's daughter) felt so much guilt and went into a deep depression, bitter time for family. One day, years later, she was in the celestial room, and prayed to Heavenly Father, that He would remove the burden from her. The response she received was, "Why did you not ask me sooner?" and from that day the burden was removed. (when Matthew told me this story, I cried. I felt like I could relate on some level, because of the amount of guilt I feel, for Elijah being behind on his speech. Part of me knows it's not my fault, but part of me still feels so filled with guilt. I need to ponder this further.)


• From Elder L. Whitney Clayton's talk - (prompting I received) I need to memorize the words to I'm Trying to Be Like Jesus and recite them or sing them in my mind whenever I'm tempted to be contentious. I need to overcome this contention, and have the spirit in my heart and home. It's essential for our family, and I need to focus on this trial/weakness.


• When Elder Clayton was giving his talk, he asked a few Primary kids and music leaders to come up and help him recite and sing I'm Trying to Be Like Jesus and If  the Savior Stood Beside Me, and the choir members on the pulpit began singing along. It's hard to describe the feeling that overcame me, and the spirit that I felt, just feeling the sincerity and beauty of it. I was choking up and trying not to cry, I felt it so deeply.


• During Elder Clayton's talk - he mentioned a couple people he had met/noticed, and how hard they were trying to live the Gospel and raise their families in the way of righteousness. My mind then thought of how Mom had met him, and how great she is, and what he thought of her. It was a silly thought, but I then thought, "I wonder if he knows that she has a daughter-in-law who is trying hard, and what he'd think of me and my efforts if he knew me..." and I felt the Spirit say to me that if he knew me, he would commend me as he had the others, and that I would have his approval. It's hard to describe, because it was more feelings I had rather than words I thought or heard, but it made me feel good, and I knew it was true.


• As the choir was singing the closing song, I had the strongest impression of the conference, I think. I don't even remember my train of thought, but I felt a little choked up, and felt that I'm not going far, but that I'm trying so hard. At almost the same time that I thought that thought, I felt the Spirit say to me that Heavenly Father knows how hard I am trying, that he knows what I'm experiencing and struggling with, and that he doesn't necessarily want me to change overnight. All He wants is for me to try just a little harder. Give just a little bit more than I have been; that's all He's asking of me right now. It took a fair bit of effort to not start crying right in the meeting, and I decided to sit on the experience and ponder it more once I had some quiet time.

Feeling boring

Do you know what I've realized, writing a blog post every day?

I'm pretty boring.

I mean, I had already suspected it, given the boring nature of my dreams, and catching myself jabbering on about how annoying my double stroller is, but still.

So for today, while I try to regroup my thoughts, all you get is a photo.

[caption id="attachment_1333" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="I decided I didn't have enough photos of Abigail and I (which is to say NONE, except for 3 hours after she was born.) There was no-one else around, so I just took one myself!"][/caption]

A Parenting Crisis

Well, Elijah has definitely entered a new phase, which I like to call defiance. Really, it's just the normal limit-pushing that 2-year-olds go through, and as my friend, Farrah, puts it, he's just beginning to realize that this baby of ours is around to stay.

Tonight, though, was insane. I really can't find the words to describe how infuriating he was being, and I was a complete conflict of emotions. On the one hand I was SO angry (who likes being kicked and slapped, or having things constantly stolen from you?) and on the other hand I was SO upset (I love my son so much, and I want to be happy around him and not contentious.)

It was extra stressful because I was home alone with Elijah and Abigail, and everyone I knew who I would normally call for advice was out at the adult session of stake conference.

Oh well, though. I'll write about it a bit more tomorrow I think, as Matt just got home, and he's exactly what I need in a mood like this.

TVT - Friday Edition

Thought Vomit Thursday, just one day late! (also known as - My Excuse to Use Bullet Points...)

- Abigail is 6 weeks tomorrow and I'm STILL bleeding. It picked up enough for me to think maybe there's something wrong, or maybe I have my period super early, but my MW says it's normal, not likely my period, and usually a sign that it's almost done. At 6 weeks PP, all I have to say is, "YA THINK?!"

- Abby WILL NOT nap without being held. Except for today, where she slept in her carseat, and now on the couch. Well, now she's waking up, but still. I'm loving today.

- it's Friday, which means Matt is *nearly* done work for the week. Here's hoping I can convince him that we need a date night to Chapters tonight. A date night with two kids anyway... :)

- tomorrow I'm going to N's baby shower. I love pregnant-after-infertility baby showers!!! I've spoiled her rotten, and I love it.

- I got to spend some time with 3 girlfriends from highschool this morning. I am so glad and grateful that we've kept in touch, and are friends even though we've all grown up and are different than people we were in highschool. We were all pregnant at the same time this year, and I was the last to have my baby, so now there are the 4 of us and 6 little ones ages 2 and under, with another on the way! We can only count one time since we began our quarterly get-togethers when one of us wasn't pregnant, and it was when Elijah was 2 months old.

Sometimes I think of what it'd be like to have these friends if I DIDN'T have Elijah and Abigail, and how hard it'd be. I honestly don't think I would be able to hang out with them, and feel so very (VERY) left out. I hate that there is a Mom Club, I really do, but I am so thankful to not be on the outside anymore. I was there for long enough to know that it sucks and hurts, and I'm so glad these particular friends didn't have their children when I wasn't included in the Mom Club. A tender mercy of Heavenly Father, I think.

As it is, we can enjoy one another's company, and I can take pictures of their adorable kids! For instance:

[caption id="attachment_1327" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="You wouldn't know it to look at this photo, but she was covered in crumbs and had hummus all over her chin. I was able to clean up her face a little, and brighten the photo. I love photo editing."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1326" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Sweet little boy! (siblings with the above girl)"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1325" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Same blue eyes...they're cousins."][/caption]

- I found out today, as I mentioned before, that one of my friends is pregnant again with her third. I am ridiculously excited for her, hence the extra bullet point. She's due in mid July, is about 5.5 weeks along, and is not telling the general world yet, so I felt pretty honoured that I was along her list of people she would want to tell early on. Although, I must admit, she might have only told me because apart from eachother, we don't really have any mutual friends and probably won't get together for another couple months. ;)

 

Maybe I had more to say, but I'm pretty distracted. It's now 10:36pm, and we've been watching Captain America, and I can't remember much else that I was going to say. Oh, except for Christmas lights. They are up, and I miss putting my own up, but I'm getting SO excited for Christmas!

 

Officially inspired

My sister-in-law has been working on some before and after photos and posting the results on facebook, and I love looking at them! It motivated me to install photoshop on Matt's computer instead of on my laptop so that it's my main computer that has it, and I've been practicing a bit ever since, but not making much progress in the learning department.

Well, enter a blog post someone wrote about their own Photoshop endeavors, and my friend inviting me to Pinterest just before Elijah's naptime today, and I am feeling officially inspired!

I spent all of Elijah's nap reading and watching tutorials, and learning how to touch up skin and blemishes in Photoshop. Here is the before and after:

[caption id="attachment_1316" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Sometimes I feel like a photographer."][/caption]

I LOVE this photo! Like, I thought it was cute before, but I was actually shocked at what a difference it made, getting rid of Abigail's terrible baby acne (this photo doesn't even do it justice.)

I know some people think that doctoring things in Photoshop is cheating, but I find it's easier for me to learn to do that than it is to take a better photo. Maybe that's why they get frustrated? Because average Joes like me can pull off nice looking photos even though they don't necessarily have the skill to take it well in the first place. But if those same people are refusing to doctor it in Photoshop, then aren't we just developing skills in different areas? That's the way I see it, anyway. :)

I was going to do a Thought Vomit Thursday today, but I've completely run out of time. It's 10:30, and I've just finished wrapping bacon-wrapped water chestnuts for tomorrow, AND I have yet to shower tonight. So I'll probably do TVT belated again. I should have lots to say by tomorrow night though, I already have lots without the extra day!

Until tomorrow then!

Pictures

[caption id="attachment_1304" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Check out this crazy hair!"]

A Make-up Day Gone Bad

You know how some days are make-up days? Well, that's what I call them, anyway. They're the days where you feel so crummy and a big part of you wants to sit around in track pants and a baggy t-shirt while you watch Jane Austen movies and eat disgusting amounts of of junk food, but you know that it'd make you feel partly worse and yucky to do so, so instead you put on your nicest clothes and take the time to put on make-up (and I don't mean I'm-going-to-Walmart make-up, I mean the real deal) and feel a little better about yourself because, hey. You might feel like crap, but you're sure as heck not going to look like it!

Well, today was one of THOSE days. Where I had the choice between dressing up or dressing down. I opted for dressing up, and it really did make me feel better. That is, until I read a blog where the momma's baby died of SIDS at 4.5 months, and I felt my chest constrict, and that familiar friend, Fear, settle in as I glanced at my perfect little 5-week-old daughter and thought surely that will never happen to her.

And now I'm fighting the urge to go and take off all the make-up so that I can cry without worrying about smearing my eye-liner. I hate worries!

You know what? No. I'm NOT taking off my make-up. Because worrying is useless, and I need to remember that.

Yesterday I came across a blog where the author had posted a list about worrying, and I'm going to repost it here, to remind myself of it all, and PULL MYSELF TOGETHER!

"Worry is a control issue.
Worry is wasted energy.
Worry is consuming and unhealthy.
Worry is a joy thief.
Worry is the interest that we pay today on tomorrow’s problems.
Worry makes everything seem bigger than it really is." (borrowed from this blog, with just one line removed that I don't agree with.)

I worry about things ALL THE TIME. It's amazing how often I waste time, energy, and moments with worry. I seriously need to let go of it all and just enjoy life. Be happy. Bask in the beautiful life I have been given, and count each and every blessing without allowing myself to feel fear and anxiety that these blessings will be taken away.

So, on that note, I'm going to do some comfort things right now. I'm going to throw in a good movie, make a hot chocolate (yeah, don't ask about that weight loss thing today, mmmkay??) and snuggle my baby. All things that will make me happy, while I sit around dressed up with my smokin' hot make-up on. (Oh, and my new hair-cut, which actually does help to improve my mood!)

About birth plans

Probably because I like to read pregnancy blogs, I've been reading a lot of birth plans lately. I'm interested in them, because it interests me to see how other people plan and what they do to prepare for L & D. When I was pregnant with Elijah I had a similar birth plan that covered the big things, like placing the baby on me immediately, no episiotomies, no bottles or formula at the hospital, and if you have to knock me out for a c-section, I had better see my baby for the first time before my entire family does. There were a lot of things I didn't know about at the time that, thankfully, my midwives did, so I didn't have to write it. Things like clamping the cord once it's done pulsing, ya know?

Then I had Elijah, and "birth plan" took on a whole new meaning. I had been planning a home-birth with him, and had really not anticipated my favourite midwife in the practice being bossy, unsupportive, and not even TRYING to talk me out of going to the hospital for an epidural. Really, it was just, "Okay, off we go then."

So, of course my things didn't go exactly as I'd planned. We had to augment with pit because the epi slowed things down, and I wasn't allowed to eat or use the birthing pool once I had the epidural. By and large, though, I had a good labour and delivery, where after 12 hours of active labour and 40 minutes of pushing, Elijah was born healthy and strong and placed directly on me.

The hardest part about my labour and delivery was the complete lack of support that I felt, though. It saddened me to think about my experience for months afterwards, and I felt a little anger.

3 months after Elijah was born I went to a women's conference, and one of the speakers mentioned in passing that she LOVED giving birth, and (after 5 kids...) had discovered that she really liked to give birth while being surrounded by women she loved. I don't know what it was, but something inside of me got really excited when she described it, and it opened me up to the idea of having more people around the next time I had a baby.

Now, there's one important detail that I've left out of my blog until recently, because I wasn't sure if I wanted to open this up for my family and friends to read, and if I did then I wouldn't be able to mention this, but my mom and I do NOT have a close relationship. It's a long story, but the not entirely unbiased truth is that she thinks things are great between us, while I have a hard time warming up to her and forgetting some past wrongs. Quite frankly, I know I need to forgive and move on, but part of me feels like it's all fake and strained because there's a big elephant in the room, because of past things that have been said or done. SO I find her pretense of a close relationship a little much. My feelings are entirely un-Christlike, but that's a topic for another post.

So anyway, I've never wanted my mom there when I'm in L&D, and with Elijah that meant I wouldn't have anyone there, because it would offend my mom.

This time, though? I knew I needed more support than I had, so my solution was to not tell my mom this aspect of my plans, and it's worked, she never knew who I had planned to have there, and thinks my MIL was only at Abigail's birth out of necessity (more to come.)

Anyway, what I'm trying to get at is that my experience with Elijah helped me to see what it was that I REALLY needed. Not all of little details that ARE important to note, but will not necessarily contribute to the overall experience. No, by needed I mean what I needed emotionally in order to have the birth that I wanted while ensuring my baby's safety. Because I really do feel that an intervention and pain-med free birth is safer for me and babe, and that supporting me emotionally is just as important as specifying the fact that I do not want forceps or the vacuum to assist in delivery.

So my birth plan this time around was considerably different. A lot more tips and reminders on what I need, and a lot less of the procedural clarifications. Maybe because I was pretty set on staying home this time? And I can't help but wonder if everyone goes through what I did, where they really know themselves and their take on birth in general once they've done it once? I don't know. But I'm curious to find out!

I don't think I ever wrote out my birth plan here, probably because I didn't want my mom knowing all the nitty-gritty details. I'll do it now (please forgive the format and font size...I can't figure out how to change the font size in wordpress.)

Holly’s “Birth Plan”

- GOAL = unmedicated homebirth. However, if more comfortable, unmed. hospital birth. (this was my attempt at keeping open-minded, and not beating myself up if I changed locations for anything other than a medical emergency...)
- possible labour positions – walking, stairs, shower, sitting on edge of bed with my back arched (like when I got my epi last time,) leaning on dresser

- Pushing:

• Natural Pushing – only pushing when urge is there, even if 10cm, or not completely dilated (using “spontaneous, short, grunty pushes at the peak of contractions.”)


• Try other positions (kneeling, hands and knees, sitting on edge of bed, leaning on edge of chair)


• Avoid laying on back, and avoid pulling legs back (tightens perineum)

- Avoid episiotomy
- Baby to be placed directly onto my chest, nurse immediately on my own if possible.

- Pain Relief:

• Shower


• Laughing (try watching some Brian Regan)


• Reminders to relax jaw (someone massage it maybe)


• Deep breathing (try sighing, reminders or suggestions to make low pitched sounds while exhaling)


• Blow raspberries with lips

- Birth companions (Mom, Rachelle, Farrah, Julia, Elizabeth) – can come and go as they please, no talking amongst yourselves through contractions though.

In Case of Hospital

- No electronic monitoring. MW can check baby’s HR intermittently.
- Positions for labour and delivery remain the same as if at home
- In event of c-section, only Matt in room with me. Epidural or spinal preferable to general anesthetic, unless it’s essential.
- NO formula to be given
- Nurses are NOT to give baby her first bath.
- MW to be there when decisions are made, even if under the care of doctor (this one my MW totally missed the boat on with Elijah's labour, I actually needed to ask the nurses to get her to come in before they went ahead with something that they said they needed to do. I just didn't trust them, and wanted to hear it from my MW first.)

What Holly Needs When In Labour

(this section could also be titled - Ways Holly's MW bossed her around and failed to support her last time, with her LACK of doing these things...)

- Instead of, “Don’t scream” say, “Try making this sound instead”
- Explaining motivation behind suggestions (eg – walking usually means labour will progress faster, if you relax your body then your body’s endorphins will help to combat the adrenalin and pain you feel, clenching your jaw when you push tightens your cervix)
- Hearing positive things, such as “You’re beautiful,” “You’re doing great,” etc. Also, have ME say positive things.
- Reminders of non-focused awareness (instead of focusing on pain, acknowledge but don’t dwell on those things that are reaching my senses, like little sounds, what is touching me, my breathing, etc.)
-**Reminders as to the purpose of all the pain** (when I was in labour with Elijah, I completely forgot that there was a baby involved in it all!)
- Visualization – “With each contraction, uterus is pushing the baby further and further down, bringing you closer to meeting her.” “Imagine your cervix opening up like a flower with each contraction”
- Suggestions of things to do for pain relief (see above)
-Reminders that I AM capable of enduring the pain, that my body was made to do this. That around the world there are thousands of other women labouring and giving birth to their babies at the same time as me.

 

As you can see, I don't have a lot of the protocol stuff mentioned, and I have a ton of ideas of things to do and try. I'm not saying it's right or wrong, it's just what I needed. It was also my passive-aggressive way of confronting the MW from Elijah's birth and making sure she was on board with how I felt. I thought maybe it'd give her some guidance, and remind her of how I want to be treated throughout L&D.

In the end, my birth plan was never actually read when I was in labour. Because so much of it was things to do in labour, and because I had studied and practiced so much, I actually didn't need as many reminders as to what to do, I just remembered and did them. I did mention my birth plan to Matt, but it was right (and I mean RIGHT) before all hell broke loose, so it was forgotten.

It's funny though, thinking of how it all played out. Mom (meaning Matt's mom) was there, and she was going to be anyway, but she was totally there out of necessity, with how close she and Dad live. They were needed every step of the way once all hell broke loose (yes, I refer to it that way for lack of a better way...) and my mom DOES know that Mom (Carol) was there, but it doesn't bother her because she kind of HAD to be. As for all of my other labour support? They wouldn't have made it in time. My MIDWIFE didn't make it in time. And even if I had have been in labour for longer than I was, I still couldn't get a hold of them all day, so they'd have all missed it anyway. Go figure, huh?

Anyway, I'm out of time, even though I don't feel like my mind has completely hashed this out. Let's see if I can whip up a good conclusion.

I love birth plans...they interest me to no end, and excite me because, hey, someone's having a baby and that's pretty exciting stuff. I love them because they remind me of my own, and I get warm fuzzies when I think about my own. Sometimes I think when I read birth plans now that people need to have a list of things that labour support people can do to help you out, because I could have used that for Elijah's labour (or rather, MATT could have, because he was seriously like a deer in the headlights, and didn't know what to do to support me) but I never suggest this to anyone because I don't want to step on anyone's toes, ya know? Really though, I liked the list for my own sake too, because reading and compiling the list helped me to remember all those things.

And if you're reading this and haven't read my birth story with Abigail before and WANT to, after I've mentioned it a bajillion times, here's the link.

Human laxative...

...also known as br.east milk.

No seriously, people. Abigail is a complete user. When she needs to go to poo NOTHING will settle her except for me nursing her. She gives it a few desperate sucks, opens her eyes wide while staring off into space, tucks her knees up, and lets loose. And I feel completely used and violated! It's also pretty much the most hilarious thing, watching her zone out and do this, so I take it. ;)

She is getting more and more fun, though! Just today she produced her biggest, widest smile yet, and it was when Matt was watching, so he FINALLY got to see her smile! She's picky about her smiles, and had really only smiled for Mom and I until this afternoon.

I'm feeling a little boring and uninspired right now, so I'll keep it short. I think I'm going tomorrow night to chop off my hair. I'm 99% sure, the change will make me feel better and less frumpy. I'll post a new picture if I manage to go ahead with it. I'm hesitant only because I really like my long hair, but I never know what to do with it, so it gets put back. I just don't want to regret it, because it takes months to grow out. With how much I want to cut off, I won't have hair this long again for a year. Sad!

Anyway, that's all the excitement I can come up with for the moment. I wanted to write a little more and respond to Josey's comment (THANKS by the way! Great advice, and I'm going to take it and buy a teeny bit of clothes to make me feel better now) but Matt has already disappeared upstairs, and I don't want to go to bed too much after him, as Abby and I tend to keep him awake with the crying (Abigail's, not mine. ;) )

Until tomorrow then!

Weight Loss (the annoying kind...)

First off, you'll have to forgive me if this is a little uninspired. I haven't had more than 5 minutes to myself without a baby crying in the background all day, all WEEK even, and I'm, quite frankly, going nuts. Then when I told Matt that I was frustrated, and that I'd been dealing with it all week, he had the audacity to say, "Oh, don't pull that card..." and I flipped out, I'm not going to lie.

It just occurred to me as I was typing this post that I've been feeling very hormonal and PMS-y. I'm getting irritated SO easily, and I feel this knot of contention in my chest that has no rationality and just isn't going away no matter how hard I try to quell it. I'm glad I realized this, because it actually makes things easier to deal with. Now I just need to say to myself, "My husband doesn't drive me crazy, I'm just hormonal," about 1000 times, and I'll probably be sane again... ;)

So anyway, I told Matt he could go to bed super early if he would give Abigail a bath beforehand, thus getting her awake little self out of my hair for 5 minutes. After that, I would look after her until she was tired enough for bedtime, hopefully eking out some semblance of a coherent post so that I don't miss another day of Nablopomo.

So here's to coherence!

Earlier today I was thinking about weight loss and my goals relative to it. Maybe just maybe if I write it out here where anyone can read it, then I will feel more accountable? Probably not, but it's worth a shot. If it gets me to work out just one day where I would otherwise not have, it'll have benefited me. (as an aside, isn't it weird how "fitted" is spelt with two 't's and "benefited" is only spelt with one?)

So, here's where things stand.

I am 177 lb's, which is up 2# from where I was when I got pregnant with Abigail, and is consequently the most I have ever weighed (uber-pregnant excluded. Really I got up to 203#, but who's counting? Me apparently.)

I wear size 12-14 pants, though not well because my thighs are bigger than my butt, and I have this pudgy mid-section that makes everything cut in and look gross and muffin-top-y.

Now, before I get anyone yelling at me for complaining about my post-pregnancy body, let me just assert that I would not trade a second of this muffintoppiness for the world. A woman is allowed to want to be thin and healthy, though, so I'll agree to not blame, or even attribute my shape and size to pregnancy if you agree to not yell at me and assume that complaining about my body means I'm an undeserving ingrate who isn't worthy to have kids. Because really, let's face it. I was 170 lb's and muffintoppy before I lost weight prior to having Elijah. See?

[caption id="attachment_1273" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Seriously, could I get any pudgier?"][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1272" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Why yes, yes I can."][/caption]

To give myself credit, I did lose weight...once. I went from 170# to 150# in about 3.5 months, and I felt great. SO proud of myself, and like a million bucks. I wanted to lose more, to get to 140, but I ended up gaining 5# back,  plateauing at 155 for around 5 months and then got pregnant with Elijah, so losing weight was definitely on the back burner. It had to be, because, hey, I was PREGNANT (!!) but then after I had Elijah, I gained back up to 170, and then surpassed it, rounding myself off at the aforementioned 175 that I was when I got pregnant with Abigail. Not ideal weight-wise, but Heavenly Father knows what he is about in terms of timing, and I really wouldn't want Him to wait to bless me with children until I lost weight. Unless, of course, I knew that was the case, in which case I'd probably be REALLY motivated to lose weight! Hmm.

And just to make myself feel better, and to remind myself that I really CAN get back to 150-155, here are a couple pictures from when I had lost weight:

[caption id="attachment_1270" align="aligncenter" width="193" caption="I look at this photo and think, "Hmm, maybe I should get a hair cut? I had nice hair back then...""][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1271" align="aligncenter" width="223" caption="Own the watermelon cutting, girl. OWN IT."][/caption]

I think one of my main motivations in trying to lose weight is simply to look better in photos. Want to know something sad? I can count on my hands how many photos I have of Elijah and I. And I can only think of 2 photos of Elijah, Matthew and myself. We STILL haven't taken a family photo with Abigail in it. The only reason is that I just don't want to be in photos, and feel like I look so gross. When I lost weight down to 150, I still had bad photos, but I was pleasantly surprised by how many photos I actually looked good in. I looked more like the "me" that I think others see.

Want to know something that drives me crazy? I can't stand it when people look at a photo of me and say it's a good photo, or when Mom tells me that I'm so photogenic. Because in reality, I am NOT, but if she looks at crappy photos of me and thinks they look good, I have to wonder if I always look as terrible as I feel like I do in those photos. And something else that drives me up the wall? When I find a photo of myself that I actually like, and someone says, "Wow, that looks nothing like you..." Gee, thanks. Thanks for telling me I'm not actually pretty, you jerk.

And I just realized how much of my PMS-ing is coming out in this post...hahaha, sorry about that. I'll find it funny tomorrow, so I'm leaving it all, unedited. Holly, unrated. I'm pretty tough stuff, huh? Not...

So back to the whole weight loss thing.

My rings don't fit.

I haven't bought non-maternity clothes in over 2.5 years, so all of my clothes either make me look pregnant or frumpy.

I'm not spending money on new clothes until I lose weight.

I refuse to weigh 175 when I get pregnant next time (unless Heavenly Father works a miracle and I get pregnant in the next 2 months. Although, hopefully I'll get below 175 pretty quickly.)

I want to be the one with the smokin' hot body, that makes pregnant people excited to be able to work out once more, just like I was when I saw those people.

So.

I will work out or go for a 2+ kilometre walk every week day. I will not eat chocolate every day. I will drink 1c. of water every waking hour. I will eat more veggies than carbs in a day. I will publish my progress and not hide behind other posts or "not feeling like blogging..." I WILL have lost 5-10lb's by Christmas.

I'll kick this crap because I CAN. And darnit, I'm going to look good.

Anonymity, and a belated TVT

Today is one of those soup eating, hot chocolate drinking kind of cozy days where I like to curl up with a good book, except today instead of a book I've been re-reading a lot of my old posts from this blog. I started working on making it completely anonymous a while back but stopped at a certain point, then started it back up when I merged a couple blogs this past year. I've also been reading old posts from blogs that I enjoy, and it has really inspired me to do better at this blogging thing, and not just write about difficulties I'm having in my life, but about good and happy things.

My struggle is finding balance, and not just with my blog, but with everything in my life. In blog terms, I'm struggling with finding the balance in writing about infertility woes and insecurities that I have despite having two children, and writing about my life with my two little miracles. Does writing about infertility diminish my life with these two little ones? I'm also struggling, trying to determine how much to write about on a bad day, and how much seems like annoying gushing when I've had a good day.

Part of me wants to make my entire blog private and really just use it as a journal like I try to do anyway, simply because so many of my posts end up needing to be password protected, given how much personal stuff they include or how much I'm afraid I'll offend someone with my brutally honest thoughts. Because I'm NOT perfect, and I DO struggle, but that struggling might be really hurtful or annoying to someone because I have two children.

But see? This brings up a whole other problem of whether or not my blog is completely honest. I want to tell it like it is, good AND bad, but if I'm not publicly writing about my own struggles and stupid thoughts, then is my blog really actually honest and open?

For now, I'm going to try to blog about more than just infertility, pregnancy and my children, although those things are obviously part of my life (and in the case of my two children, they practically ARE my life right now.)

And before I start beating the dead horse and repeating myself, I'm going to change the topic and do a belated TVT, because I forgot to do it yesterday until the evening, and I love the randomness that it TVT.

* hot chocolate made with milk? Deliciousness. Add a peppermint tea bag? Pure perfection.

* I need to give Abigail baths way more than I do, and I feel like a guilty mother. Also, she has baby acne, and I know it's not my fault, but part of me feels like it is. And maybe it really IS my fault, although fault is a strong word. Maybe it's something I'm eating though, like chocolate. Which makes me want to give up chocolate, but then I crave hot chocolate and drink one, and then feel guilty all over again.

* It is mid-November and we still have flies. I'm dying here. Elijah thinks the fly-swatter is the greatest thing ever, though. He hasn't yet realized that I'm killing flies, or at least attempting to, so when he gets ahold of the fly swatter, he walks around hitting random things with a gleeful look on his face. It was cute until he tried to hit me and Abigail with it, which is just plain gross, not to mention not a gentle thing to do (mommy-speak here.)

* I want to move. I try to not vocalize it too often because I don't want to make myself miserable here, but I miss having a house. Sometimes I miss our old house specifically, which I never thought I'd do. It's just hard to think back to how much we had that would have been perfect for our little family if only we'd had our little family sooner, and didn't have to move just when our family started to grow. I miss the backyard, and having a place to put up the Christmas tree, and eaves troughs to hang lights on. I miss living near a park, and I miss our tv being in a different room than the main living area. Seriously, The Wiggles is on all the time, and when it's not I'm still singing the songs. I miss our piano, and having space for Elijah to run around. That's all though. Sometimes I waste free time by looking on MLS for houses in our area. Right now there's one that I want that is SO close to Dave and Farrah, which would be awesome. It even has a pool! Ahhh....... BUT it is over $200,000, and we don't have the monthly income from the business to support us in that house. Or any house, for that matter. The business is doing so well this year that we hope to be able to increase our pay soon, but that's still in the future. In the meantime, I need to get better at NOT spending money, so that we can actually add to our savings and build up a down payment for when the time is right to buy again.

* And just so my "I want a house!" mentality is not what is cemented into my mind, I must remind myself of all the great things about where we live right now. Having Mom and Dad next door is awesome. I love sharing meals with them, going for little visits when Elijah needs a change of scenery, and I love how much Elijah recognizes and loves his Nana and Papa. Also, it's pretty nice being able to go out during Elijah's nap-time, and leave the monitor with Mom, and it's nice being able to borrow their car often.

* I haven't started my Zumba yet, but I DID go for a 2k walk yesterday with Elijah and Abigail, so go me! It started raining by the end of the walk so I even jogged part way, which I probably shouldn't have done, but Elijah was starting to cry because of the cool wind and rain, and I felt bad. I'm not in major pain today, though, and my stitches hurt less than they have this past week, so I think I'm okay. Now if only I could get full clearance to resume ALL aspects of life...haha

* I think I'm going to offer to host Christmas this year for my family. I'm pretty sure Mom would let me use their place for it, and will help me make a turkey. The meal is not my biggest worry, though. What I dread when it comes to hosting my family is how hectic it becomes and how high my anxiety level is by the time they leave. Seriously. They are a rather loud group of people, and it's nice but somewhat stressful being around them when I'm NOT hosting, but when I AM? Oh man. BUT the alternative is to deal with flack about the date of our Christmas celebrations, and if I offer to host then I can pick the date. So here's hoping.

* We're having Abigail blessed in church on Christmas Sunday so that we can do it when Joel and Heidi are here. I'm glad we're doing it then, but it means Rob and Kira can't be there, and who knows what other family members, simply because it's Christmas Sunday.

* I'm making chile for dinner tonight. I have made dinner more times in the past month since having Abigail than I did my entire pregnancy with her. I have no idea why I all of a sudden want to make dinner. I don't like doing it, even now, but I am so motivated to do it, despite having two kids to thwart me instead of just one.

*I am making a hexagon granny square blanket and I am in love with the colours. Blues, greens, and a vibrant yellow, surrounded in white. LOVE. I only have 4 squares made so far, but I'm excited about it.

* my wedding rings don't fit yet. I'm pretty depressed by this fact, as I'm down to the weight that I was pre-pregnancy, so why don't they fit? I seriously need to lose weight. That deserves a post all its own though. I already wrote about it in a password protected post, but maybe I'll write about it publicly too. The gist is that I want to get thin and hot before I get pregnant again.

* Did I really think that I wasn't huge looking when I was 40 weeks pregnant with Abigail? I didn't feel huge, I didn't think I was about to pop, and I kind of wondered at the people who knew that I was due any day, because I didn't feel like I looked that big. Now, though, when I look at those photos? Holy moley! I was huge!

* I have slight pregnancy envy. Isn't that ridiculous? I didn't want to be pregnant anymore by the time I got to the end of Abigail's pregnancy. I'll totally admit it. I was tired and done, and even wrote a post for myself (which is totally STAYING password protected) that I could go back and read whenever I thought that getting pregnant before my time was a good idea. It was so brutally honest about every ache and pain, and I meant for it to make me NOT want to be pregnant, but I can't even read that post and have it work right now, I just miss all the good and exciting things about being pregnant. I am particularly drawn to pregnancy blogs, and I guess part of me lives vicariously through those people, and reminisces about my own pregnancies when I read the posts. I don't know if it's a good idea for me to read them or not though, because it just makes me think about pregnancy more, and part of me thinks that maybe I need to forget that pregnancy even exists, so that I don't want it so much right now (5 weeks after having a baby...I know, I'm insane.)

* I don't think we'll wait until I get my di.aphragm to resume...relations, because I just don't want to wait until 11-12 weeks post-partum. And in the insane mood I'm in in terms of missing pregnancy, I don't currently feel like it'd be the end of the world if something did happen in that period of time and if I did get pregnant again. Am I crazy? Am I really ticking someone off right now? Am I presumptuous beyond reason to think that it's even a possibility? I'm not talking about TRYING to get pregnant again right now, just that I wouldn't cry if I did. Matt might, but I wouldn't. And to be honest, I really don't think it'll happen. Not only am I EBF'ing, but when I was nursing Elijah I had a luteal phase defect until, well, the cycle I got pregnant with Abigail I'm assuming. My LP was only 9 days for a few cycles before I got pregnant, and while I was taking B6 and cutting out night-time feedings to lengthen it, I'm doing no such thing right now, so I really feel like I can't get pregnant even IF my body is ovulating right now.

* I'm looking forward to this week being over. It feels like it's been a little too busy, and for some reason I've hit a wall in terms of what to do during the day to make it more bearable. I'm trying to watch how much time I spend on the computer and Elijah spends in front of the tv. The evenings, though, have all had something planned, and I just want that part done. Except next week Matt has something Tuesday and Thursday already, and I wanted to go to crocheting on Wednesday evening, so it's quickly filling up. I don't like that, when we have things planned that don't involve both of us.

* I would like to find a local mom group of women with babies who get together every week during the morning, so that I can go with Elijah and Abigail. I want some interaction with other women with kids, and I want something regular that I don't necessarily have to plan. I thought about trying to get ladies from my church together regularly, but as it's my idea, I'd have to be the one in charge and planning it, and I'm not looking for that much work and commitment. I just want to go. I also like the idea of meeting new people.

And that's about it for now. I'm going to go get started on the chile while both babies are sleeping.

Complete

Just before I put Elijah down to bed for his nap, I was standing in the bathroom brushing my teeth (yes, at 1pm. I have a 4.5 week-old baby, don't make fun.)

When I looked out of the door to check on my two babies I had this feeling of completeness wash over me. I don't know whether it was seeing the two of them together, or the fact that Elijah was wearing blue and Abigail was wearing pink, or maybe it was the lamp being on that made the scene look so idyllic, but something about it really impressed me with the feeling of completeness.

Now, I should clarify what I mean by "completeness" though. I do not feel that we are done having children, we hope to have 2 more after Abigail (or more, if we can manage it!) and I don't feel that the feeling I had was any indicator from my own mind or from Heavenly Father that our family is done at 2. There would be nothing wrong with that if we WERE done after having 2 children, but I don't feel that this is the case.

No, when I use the word "completeness," I mean more along the lines of, "Ah, now we are a family..." I feel like I caught a glimpse of what out little family might look like to an outsider, especially one who assumes we're done having children. All of a sudden, I could see why someone would stop after having two children, and part of me could see why so many people were telling me before I had Abigail just how perfect it was that we have a boy and a girl, and would go on to assume that we were only going to have two anyway, so I "get one of each."

And I am fully aware that Matt and I constituted a family when it was just the two of us, and that Matthew, Elijah and I definitely constituted a family when it was just the three of us. The thing is, even though I could look at other people with only one child and recognize that they were a family, I didn't really feel the same way about myself. Perhaps it's because Elijah is still rather young, and so we haven't started doing those family-oriented things that we envision doing with our children, but whatever the reason, I never felt until today that our family could stop where it was and that we'd be complete. We just felt...less than a family to me.

And I'm REALLY sorry for anyone reading this who might think that I'm calling them less than a family if they don't have two children. Please understand that I felt this lack of completeness after having Abigail too, and that this feeling is new to me as of 30 minutes ago. It has nothing to do with loving Abigail more or less than Elijah, and it has nothing to do with other families having one child or no children. As I already said, I could recognize that those people were families, I just couldn't apply that term to myself.

I think, though, that this feeling must come to everyone at some point. The whole, "My family is a rockin' awesome family. Look at how amazing we are!" If it doesn't, if the "complete" feeling never comes, then how sad for that family or individual!

I'm doing a really terrible job trying to explain a feeling, which in and of itself is a difficult task to undertake. I mean, describe "happy" to me, tell me in detail what "happy" feels like, what thoughts go through your mind, and how you can be happy now and yet know that you'll be even happier someday. Does being happy some day in the future make you less happy now? No, and neither does this feeling of completeness. I feel complete now, and I know I will feel complete in the future when we've had even more children, but until then, I feel full to the brim and complete. We are a family, Matthew, Elijah, Abigail and I, and come what may, we always will be.

Why I want to lose weight...

...in point form:

- my post-pregnancy flub on my belly has solidified into a rather impressive gut

- I'm starting to gain weight after dropping all my pregnancy weight. Remember how with Elijah I dropped down to 158 lb's and then gained weight until I was 175 lb's? Yeah, that sucks. Now imagine this time. I lost weight down to 173 lb's and am now 177. Do I really want to gain beyond 177 at all?

- my wedding rings don't fit. I am NOT going to resize them to a bigger size when I really just need to lose weight.

- I haven't bought non-maternity clothes in 2 1/2 years. I WON'T buy clothes until I lose weight, so if I don't lose weight then I'm just walking around wearing maternity clothes and frumpy non-maternity clothes, feeling pretty yucky and, well...frumpy.

- I do NOT want to get pregnant at this weight again if I can help it. There were parts of my pregnancy that were hard simply because I was overweight, like the indigestion and sulphur burps.

-and probably the most selfish reason of all? I want to look good. Not at the expense of other people, but I want to be the person people wish they looked like. When I was pregnant both times, I would look at people who were physically fit, including those were were skinny pregnant, and wish I had a body like them. So one of my goals? I want to make pregnant people feel fat, just like I did. Hahaha...I know it sounds cruel, I don't actually want someone to feel fat, I just want to be the thin person I envied and knew I COULD be. Now that I am able to work out and get thin, I want to do just that.

So there are measures I am taking to lose weight and feel better about myself. First, we are not allowed to buy junk food. Second, I'm going to be eating a healthy breakfast and lunch (eg - strawberry/banana smoothie and a couple pieces of toast for breakfast, cheese sandwich and veggies for lunch.) Third, I'm going to start my Zumba dvd's today.

We'll see how it goes! We've set the goal for me to lose 22 lb's in 3 months. I would be happy with that - getting to 155 lb's - but really I'd like to get down to between 140 and 145.

Anyway, that's all for now.

Master of None

True to form (for me...) I already missed a day of Nablopomo. But not true to form for me is my still trying to do it anyway. I have a hard time with follow-through, and usually once I mess up and don't do something I feel like there is little point in continuing on and doing it anyway. It's kind of damaging, I know, because I never accomplish much and don't get those warm fuzzy feelings of, "Hey, look how amazing I am, I completed something!" That's why finishing Abigail's blanket and graduating university were big things for me, ya know?

But I figure this can be an exercise in doing something even when I know it won't be perfect by the time I get to the end. I won't be able to say I did it every day for a month (or at least for the month of November) but I'll still have all of my blog entries to show for it.

Really though, this is a problem for me. I can't even tell you how many hobbies I have taken up but never become really good at. I'll try to list some that I've dabbled in since I've been married. There's cross-stitching, embroidery, sewing, scrapbooking, photography (which involved 3 classes I took,) piano (to the point of taking lessons and completing grade exams,) photo-editing, writing, and running (because we're listing hobbies, not crafts, right?) And that's the list of things that I'm not currently working on! Well, I guess photography is still on the list of things I'm working on, but not actively. Currently I am working on crocheting and have not yet given up on it despite my apparent inability to crochet this blanket I'm working on, and I'm also putting an effort forth in blogging and (as always) reading. Reading is the one constant throughout my life, the hobby I rarely give up. The only exception was when I was feeling depressed, and didn't want to do anything at all.

So when I was on kijiji this morning and looking at violins, I started feeling pretty crummy about myself. Who am I kidding? Yes, I'd love to play the violin, just like how I'd love to make baby blankets, decorate my home in embroidered pictures (the cute kind) be able to play piano in church, take amazing photos and have a photography business on the side of my family life, and have an awesome body thanks to my love of running. But reality is that it takes work to get any one of those things, and again and again I feel like I am spreading myself so thin.

Matthew said something to me once, and it has kind of stuck with me. One time when I was feeling low about this whole Jack-of-all-trades/master-of-none problem I have, he told me that I am smart, capable, and can do or be anything I want. He said he believed that I could be amazing at anything I set my mind to, if only I'd actually set my mind to it. I thought about it, and (in all humility here) I think he's right. Or, at least within the realm of the things I've already tried. I don't think I could be an Olympic figure skater or a pop singer, but I could get to grade 10 in piano. I could get good at running and have an amazing body. I could run a photography business and take amazing photos (that AREN'T the candid ones I'm used to taking.) I know I could do all of these things, but I don't follow through on any of them, so I never get good at them.

See, I tend to get discouraged when I can't quickly become good at something. I forget that anything worth having/doing/being takes time and effort, and is not just handed to you. If it was easy to play the piano well, everyone would be able to. Which reminds me of a quote from the weekend (at Stake Women's Day) which went, "The only things we can quickly become are not worth becoming. For example, angry, contentious, prideful. The things that are of value take much more time and effort, and include things like happiness, peace and humility." Yeah, I totally paraphrased that and it's not very grammatical, but you get the picture. Things worth becoming=time. So we can't get discouraged that we're not there yet.

Another problem that I have is wanting to do too many things, and spreading myself too thin. Sure, some people seem to be good at everything, but I think those people are ones who are just always doing something, who have the energy and desire to busy themselves all the time. I'm not one of those people, and sometimes it takes a real effort for me to do anything other than reading, so I can't compare myself to those types of people.

And like always, one of my babies is waking up, needs my attention, and I have to finish up this blog post now so that I can love on them. I was going to think through my list of hobbies and decide which ones to focus/work on, but I'll have to do that later.

Notes to remember

Some things from Stake Women's Day that I want to remember:

From the general assembly:

• if you're focused on "doing" and not on "becoming" then you're seeking to fool yourself and others, by reading your scriptures and going to church, etc, but not letting your heart be touched by the spirit. We have to worry more about becoming the person we want to be, which we can only DO by putting combining the doing with becoming.


• the only thing we can quickly become is angry, contentious, offended. Becoming Christlike, or becoming anything worthwhile, takes time and we need to give ourselves credit for every little progress we make.

From Colleen's workshop

• Story of Abraham and Lot. Lot pitched his tent facing Sodom. He knew it was bad to be IN Sodom (at first) but still wanted a front-row seat, so he could watch what it was Sodom was doing. Later, when he was captured and held in the city, Abraham's household attacked the city to save Lot, and also managed to save the King of the city who was being held captive as well. The King offered Abraham all the goods of the city, asking to keep the people for himself, and Abraham's response was that he wanted not one thread, nor one shoe latchet from the city. Abraham forsook everything to do with Sodom and Gomorrah, was blessed for it.


• I felt the strong need to read scriptures and have FHE as a family during her workshop.

From Peggy's workshop

• read Tad Callister's book on the atonement, with the foreward by Rob Millet


• We MUST think about all of the negative things in the world, can't turn a blind eye to them if we are to ever understand Christ's atoning sacrifice. We need to acknowledge them so that we can gain a testimony that, not only did Christ suffer for a person's wrongs, but that he suffered for the pain that person felt at their wrongdoing as well as for the pains of all those that person affected. We need to understand this so that we know we can RUN to him, not because he can imagine what it'd be like, but because he KNOWS what it is like, because he suffered for it. Every possible terrible or trying thing we could possibly experience, He has suffered for, and we can run to the Savior with all of our sorrows and cares.


• When the Savior was in the Garden of Gethsemane and on the cross, we were still in the premortal life. Imagine every spirit focusing their attention on that great event. We KNEW it was happening, we KNEW what depended on it, and we were waiting with bated breath. Imagine our joy, knowing what he did for us, the gratitude we already felt before coming to this earth. At that time we looked ahead to the atonement and our life here on the earth, and now we look back on it, hopefully with the same gratitude and excitement, even if we have passed through the veil and can't remember where we were ourselves at the time the atonement was being wrought on our behalf.


• "If you don't like a person, you don't know them well enough." (Elder Maxwell)

 

How could I forget?

A conversation between me and this random lady I don't even know from yesterday:

Her (a second after I sat down between her and my one friend) - oh, how old is the baby?
Me - 4 weeks today
Her - Can I hold her?
Me (feeling completely awkward and put on the spot. I don't even know this lady!) - Well, we're not really letting anyone other than people we're around really often holding the baby... (99% true. Exceptions are people I'm around long enough to get exposed to whatever germs they might be carrying, like my friend from the other night.)
Her - Oh, well I was a pediatric nurse for years, and really you shouldn't even bring her out before she's 2 months old anyway.

!!!

This was said factually, and NOT like she was trying to persuade me to let her hold Abigail. What on earth was she trying to accomplish by saying that though?! Making me feel like crap, as if to say, "Well, what's point in not letting someone hold her if you're idiot enough to bring your poor, helpless 4-week old baby out? Not only are you a terrible mom, but you're a snob too!"

At least, that's how I felt. I seriously sat there for 1/2 the meeting feeling a little panicky and upset, wondering if I had made a huge and selfish mistake by bringing her to Women's Day, and just...I don't know. Feeling mad at the lady for putting me on the spot and then backpedaling so rudely.

Have I mentioned before that I hate confrontations? I know it's not an uncommon fear, but I really go out of my way to avoid them, and while I might seem pretty outgoing at times, I'm actually quite shy when it comes to a situation that involves me having to step even a little out of my comfort zone. I recognize this about myself and do try to do things that feel scary or intimidating, or just downright annoying to me, just for the sake of getting better at it, but only when the purpose of doing so is a good one that involves helping someone else. For instance, I'll try to talk to someone new at church, and help them feel a little more welcome. But when it comes to people I feel don't like me, I tend to clam up and stutter a little, and feel like they like me less and less as I talk. Also, if I'm worried someone is going to push me around I avoid them entirely, like telemarketers. I don't even answer the phone if it's a number I don't recognize.

So the point of all of this rambling about confrontations? You know I feel rather strongly about people I'm not comfortable with holding my baby if I'm willing to tell people 'no' when they ask. Because whether I know them or not, it's not an easy conversation and could so easily lead to me offending someone, or them having a negative opinion of how I feel. And yet I do it anyway, because I KNOW that they can't make me give up my baby, and I feel so strongly like I need to protect her that I'll brave the annoyed comments and mini-confrontations along the way.

I guess this lady threw me off in how drastic her back-pedal was, and what a low-blow it was, to respond to a mother that way.

I'll let it be known that I still managed to keep my cool and respond with, "Well, I'm breastfeeding, and if I feel I've been exposed to a person's germs long enough for my body to build antibodies to a cold or whatever else, then that person can hold my baby, but unless that's the case I don't pass her around" (all while smiling sweetly.) It was fine, it's not like she was angry or anything, but I felt tense for a while afterwards. I was also upset because I wanted to let my SIL (Abigail's aunt...) hold her for the meeting, because she doesn't get to see her often, but I all of a sudden couldn't do so because it'd seem pretty rude.

OH and then! I was cracking my knuckles (yes, I'm a coward who cracks her knuckles. I know, so many terrible confessions in this post!) and this lady reaches over and grabs my hands with this look on her face, like, "Don't you dare! If you do it again, I'll just have to hold your hands the rest of the day!" It upset me to no end, I think because my personal space was so entirely violated, and also because I just told her how I felt about germs and here I am holding my baby while she rubs her hands all over mine. Then later in the meeting she started sniffling pretty bad, blew her nose 10 times, and then rubbed her hands all over her face. Needless to say, I washed my hands at the first chance after that, and felt pretty relieved that I hadn't let her hold Abigail.

So I know this all sounds pretty snobby, but to be honest, I don't care. I feel so strongly about keeping her safe, and it sucks that I need to have such a blanket rule of no-one holding her because there are people who I wouldn't mind holding her, but I have to keep the rule in place for when the crazies come asking. If for nothing else but my own sanity...because I lose enough sleep at night fearing for Abigail's safety without passing her around to all and sundry. I will never have the ward baby and I'm okay with that. I love my babies, and don't want them passed to everyone.

And yes, I fully realize that I am a hypocrite, for saying that I try to be nice to the person at church, and then call this lady crazy for grabbing my hands and responding randomly to my 'no, you can't hold her' response. I've been thinking about this too, and I'm so on the fence. Sometimes when I think about the experience I get upset all over again ("The audacity of her!") and then other times I try (REALLY, I do!) to give her the benefit of the doubt ("Maybe, if she was a pediatric nurse, she really just misses holding babies? Maybe she was trying to make me feel better about my decision to not pass her around to all and sundry? Maybe she was actually being supportive, as if to say I'm doing the right thing?") Also, the advice that if you don't like someone then you don't know them well enough. I'm working on that too. I guess I need to be careful what it is that I write down and record because that tends to be the feeling that is more cemented in my mind than any other.

So I will say now. She had a sweet smile, obviously thought my baby was so darn cute (because, let's face it, she is!) and has the admirable trait of courage, or at least the lack of fear of confrontations, because she was bold enough to ask me to hold my baby. I do envy her that one. ;)

On a different note, I've remembered that I need to carry extra snacks and hard candies with me wherever I go, because when I get hungry these days it feels like I'm going to puke and/or faint. I know it's because of nursing because I got this with Elijah, but I had forgotten until the last 15 minutes of church where I was starting to seriously doubt my ability to drive home safely.

Ah, Abby is awake and fussing, I've gotta go. I'm going to be taking some photos later so I'll post one of those once I've played around with it in photoshop. :) Oh, and I just re-read my post from yesterday and it occurred to me that I tend to end every post with Abigail fussing. She IS rather fussy when she's not being held (every waking moment...) which is why I wrap up my posts, but I'll try to find a more inspired way of ending my posts from now on. Kapeesh? (and oh my goodness, spellcheck wants to replace the word "kapeesh" with Grapeshot. Someone really needs to come up with a spellcheck that sounds out a word that has simply been typed as it sounds, and then come up with the proper spelling based on that. It'd be great for words like epitome and pneumonia. Also, maybe instead of ending this post with "kapeesh?" I should end it, and maybe ALL posts with, "Grapeshot?" Let's give it a try!)

Grapeshot?

(I like it. ;) )

Another Short One

I really need to stop doing these blog posts late at night when I don't have much time to write about them, and when Abigail is getting fussy because she's tired and ready for bed. It doesn't give me long to sit down, reflect and write, and it's hard to concentrate on what I want to write about because Abigail is sitting there fussing in my ear (or so it seems.)

I had a great day today, that involved showering (always a plus!) Stake Women's Day, delicious food (seriously, what is better than a baked potato bar? And tuxedo cake?) and shopping at Once Upon a Child. I love that store! I think they're strictly Canadian, so I'll just explain now that they're a chain of consignment shops, and the best place (in my opinion) to buy cheap, nice kids clothes and other stuff. Some of them are run down and have yucky things, but the one we went to is in a wealthy city, so the things there are generally nicer, and you see more expensive brands there, because parents in wealthy cities can afford to buy designer clothes for their kids. And I come along and buy it second-hand! Ha, I love it.

Anyway, then I came home and Matt had made dinner, followed by his amazing milkshakes, and life is just...complete. Or it was, until Elijah jumped on me, elbowed my spine repeatedly, and grabbed a fistful of my hair as Matt was picking him up. I'm not going to lie, I shrieked like a banshee, it hurt so bad. I felt bad for upsetting him and Abigail, but it was completely involuntary.

So, some things I decided today, in list form:

-I want to play the violin. Like, buy one and take lessons. I think I will.
-I am going to do family home evening and scripture study with my family. We WILL do this.
-I love Peggy and need to be more like her, listening to the Spirit and being excited about the Gospel and the Atonement. Also, read that Tad Callister book, and anything by the guy who wrote the introduction (Rob Millet I think?)
-it's not something I decided, but a quote that I liked, by Elder Maxwell. The gist of it is that if you don't like someone, it's because you don't know them well enough.

There were other things, but, true to form, I can't remember them all. This seems to be a recurring theme for me.

I feel like there are so many good things I want to do with my time, and that I don't have time to do them all. It gets a little frustrating sometimes, but is rather exciting too. It is SO nice having a ton of things I want to do. Right now I'm loving crocheting, editing photos, taking pictures, reading my book, and working on Elijah and Abby's memory binder.

Ah, and there's Abby crying, letting me know it's bedtime. I'm reeeeeally not looking forward to this time change business! Argh!

Oh, and before I forget, a couple photos. I'm not going to lie, I totally took these just so I could say I took a photo today. I'm feeling sleepy and not very excited about taking photos at this exact moment, but I'm trying to take one photo every day for a year (lofty, I know. Really, let's just get through this week, this month, this QUARTER, before we talk a year!)

But, either way, I do like the photos. It's Matt concentrating on his model-building, and then filing a miniature. Except, he's not really filing. I posed him for my picture. But that's okay, because that's what photographers do, right? Either way, I love my man, and I'm glad he has a hobby that he enjoys so much.



That's all for now. G'night!

Short Post

This will just be a short one today, as I feel mentally drained.

It was a good day, that involved going to Michael's with Farrah to buy some new yarn for a hexagon granny square blanket I'd like to make, making some cream of carrot soup and delicious dessert, and then having Dave, Farrah, and their two kids over. It was great having them over, but SO tiring. Elijah was rangy and barely ate anything all evening, and I have a really hard time with toddlers around Abigail because they are so in-your-face about their interations with babies, and it makes me really nervous, I'm not going to lie. I can't stand ANYone in Abigail's face, let alone a little girl who is always coming down or getting over a cold. I felt bad asking Farrah to not let her do it, but it was okay in the end, I just had to always be holding Abby, so she slept more than I'd like in the evening.

I'm having a hard time relaxing now that our company is gone, it's so loud and go go go with 4 kids in a rather small apartment. I'm also feeling upset because I just found out via FB that Tiffany (who, you might recall, was over last night, and holding Abigail a lot) came started feeling unwell late last night and is apparently so sick right now that she feels like death, apparently. I feel like crying. I try so hard to protect Abigail, but what more could I, or Tiffany, have done? She wasn't feeling unwell when we were around her, but that's when she was the most contagious.

I know this is going to come off as over protective, or more than a little neurotic, but I hear about people being sick after they've been around Abby and my mind immediately assumes she will get sick too, and that she'll die. I have a way over-active imagination, and a really hard time letting go of these fears that I have, and I honestly feel a pit in my stomach right now, like something is making me sad or uneasy. I can feel it there even when I'm not thinking about it, so then I think, "Why am I feeling this way?!" Then I remember why, and get worried and upset all over again. A cold is a cold, but I just don't want my little not even 4-weeks-old baby to be exposed to one, because their little bodies just don't handle it well. Honestly, it's why I haven't gone to the Early Years Centre yet. I don't want to go out anywhere where she is exposed to so many children (because of the in-your-face-ness) at least until she's 2 months old and has had her first set of shots, thus being vaccinated again chicken pox, the whooping cough, and whatever else. I'm just...so afraid of losing her. AND I don't have the flu shot yet, so I'm no good to her on that head either.

Sorry, I know, this is a really big downer post. I meant to get online, check blogs and respond to comments, post comments, etc, and I just can't right now. I want to go snuggle my girl, and go to sleep.

Tomorrow will be a better day, I know. It's Stake RS Women's Day, and I'm looking forward to going up with friends, seeing some old friends, attending the workshops, having lunch, etc. I need a day away, I think.

In the meantime, a couple photos from this evening, when my little girl insisted on being held but I had to make dinner. We compromised with the Ergo.

[caption id="attachment_1226" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="She fell asleep within minutes."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1227" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Love it."][/caption]

TVT

I'm not going to lie, I'm excited to do Thought Vomit Thursdays. I've never done one, but come on, bullet points? Random thoughts with no cohesion? That's totally how I roll. And at 10:17 at night, I'm definitely not going to be able to form a cohesive paragraph, with segues and transitions between thoughts.

So...watch me go!

-I love crocheting. I know I've said it before, but I love it. It's so relaxing, and I'm really excited about the blanket that I'm making, mainly because the pattern is hard. Like, crochet the blanket to about a 6-inch width, tear it all apart, and start over again hard. But I WILL prevail! And did I mention that I made a hat and a couple flowers for Abigail? I love it, but need to wash the hat before I put it on her.

-I went out to a restaurant with a couple girlfriends (Julia and Tiffany) tonight, and we had a great time. I love catching up with those two. And then afterwards we came back to my apartment and we continued catching up while Matt went out home-teaching, and when Matt got back he made us milkshakes and we all caught up. It's so fun to spend time with the 3 of them, and it reminds me of the "good old days" when we were in YSA together, and we'd ditch activities to go to Kelsey's (a restaurant,) Matt would make us yummy food, and we'd sit around and talk about serious and not-so-serious things. We're all grown up now, but at heart we'll still the same people we were then, and I love that we're all still friends (well, I sure hope I'd still be friends with Matt...I did marry him afterall!)

-I feel so sad about a couple I know who is getting a divorce. It is surprising me less and less these days, to hear of peers getting divorces, but it's still heartbreaking. This is the first divorce of a peer that has involved children (in this case 3) and it involved infidelity. How tragic is that? It makes me want to strengthen my marriage even more, and show my love for Matt even more. I want to say it'd never happen to me, and I trust Matthew that it wouldn't, but part of me feels like those spouses who were cheated on trusted THEIR loved ones, that they would never be unfaithful, and then they were. I'm not scared, but it does make one want to hug their loved ones a little tighter, and let more things slide than one otherwise would.

-Abigail is almost out of her newborn sleepers. Like, the neck is being pulled down so that it's a bit of a lowrise now. Sad doesn't even cover it! The fact that I need to buy a tub to put her retired clothes into is shocking to me. For so long it felt like she'd never be here, and now she's big enough to outgrow things? Impossible!

-I have the most boring dreams ever. Examples? One night last week I dreamt that we got the piece for our filter that would allow us to drink the tap water downstairs instead of filling up our jugs from the upstairs' tap, and I was SO jazzed about it! Last night I dreamt that today was Stake RS Women's Day and I had forgotten my coat at home, and then I was sad to wake up to find it was actually Thursday and not Saturday (when our Women's Day is.) Why can't I have crazy interesting dreams like Matt does? He even talks in his sleep, and says the most hilarious things. One time he woke me up by pulling me over onto my back in the middle of the night, and I asked him what he was doing. He said he had just saved my life and should be thanking him. I accordingly thanked him, and then asked what the danger was. He said I had been laying down next to a pit that I was about to fall into. When I asked if it was a very deep pit, his response was, "It had zombies in it." The funny thing was, afterwards he vaguely remembered this conversation, and in his mind he knew he was making up the zombie detail, but he was starting to feel bad for waking me up, so he had to make the peril more sensational, hence the zombie invention. I love him!

-I love the faces babies make when they cry. I know it's sad, and I don't let Abigail cry much, I promise, but if I'm already taking photos of her when she starts to cry, I allow myself a few photos before I put the camera down and comfort her. Here is my example from today:

And yes, that's a bow in her hair. We decided to get dressed up to go out tonight. ;) Seriously, though, it's amazing how girly she looks in this photo. Cut that bow out of the picture and she looks way less feminine.

-a couple other cute photos from today's flash-fest:

[caption id="attachment_1217" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Delicious baby chub."][/caption]

[caption id="attachment_1218" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="I FINALLY managed to capture on camera a sweet moment where Elijah is kissing Abigail."][/caption]

I promise to post some pictures that are outside of the confines of my 1-room downstairs apartment, or even off of my couch, but not today. I figure the red in Elijah's shirt provides enough visual variety for now.

I know I had more to say, but I'm tired, and Matt's Batman game is distracting me too much to remember it all, so I think that's all for today.