How could I forget?

A conversation between me and this random lady I don't even know from yesterday:

Her (a second after I sat down between her and my one friend) - oh, how old is the baby?
Me - 4 weeks today
Her - Can I hold her?
Me (feeling completely awkward and put on the spot. I don't even know this lady!) - Well, we're not really letting anyone other than people we're around really often holding the baby... (99% true. Exceptions are people I'm around long enough to get exposed to whatever germs they might be carrying, like my friend from the other night.)
Her - Oh, well I was a pediatric nurse for years, and really you shouldn't even bring her out before she's 2 months old anyway.

!!!

This was said factually, and NOT like she was trying to persuade me to let her hold Abigail. What on earth was she trying to accomplish by saying that though?! Making me feel like crap, as if to say, "Well, what's point in not letting someone hold her if you're idiot enough to bring your poor, helpless 4-week old baby out? Not only are you a terrible mom, but you're a snob too!"

At least, that's how I felt. I seriously sat there for 1/2 the meeting feeling a little panicky and upset, wondering if I had made a huge and selfish mistake by bringing her to Women's Day, and just...I don't know. Feeling mad at the lady for putting me on the spot and then backpedaling so rudely.

Have I mentioned before that I hate confrontations? I know it's not an uncommon fear, but I really go out of my way to avoid them, and while I might seem pretty outgoing at times, I'm actually quite shy when it comes to a situation that involves me having to step even a little out of my comfort zone. I recognize this about myself and do try to do things that feel scary or intimidating, or just downright annoying to me, just for the sake of getting better at it, but only when the purpose of doing so is a good one that involves helping someone else. For instance, I'll try to talk to someone new at church, and help them feel a little more welcome. But when it comes to people I feel don't like me, I tend to clam up and stutter a little, and feel like they like me less and less as I talk. Also, if I'm worried someone is going to push me around I avoid them entirely, like telemarketers. I don't even answer the phone if it's a number I don't recognize.

So the point of all of this rambling about confrontations? You know I feel rather strongly about people I'm not comfortable with holding my baby if I'm willing to tell people 'no' when they ask. Because whether I know them or not, it's not an easy conversation and could so easily lead to me offending someone, or them having a negative opinion of how I feel. And yet I do it anyway, because I KNOW that they can't make me give up my baby, and I feel so strongly like I need to protect her that I'll brave the annoyed comments and mini-confrontations along the way.

I guess this lady threw me off in how drastic her back-pedal was, and what a low-blow it was, to respond to a mother that way.

I'll let it be known that I still managed to keep my cool and respond with, "Well, I'm breastfeeding, and if I feel I've been exposed to a person's germs long enough for my body to build antibodies to a cold or whatever else, then that person can hold my baby, but unless that's the case I don't pass her around" (all while smiling sweetly.) It was fine, it's not like she was angry or anything, but I felt tense for a while afterwards. I was also upset because I wanted to let my SIL (Abigail's aunt...) hold her for the meeting, because she doesn't get to see her often, but I all of a sudden couldn't do so because it'd seem pretty rude.

OH and then! I was cracking my knuckles (yes, I'm a coward who cracks her knuckles. I know, so many terrible confessions in this post!) and this lady reaches over and grabs my hands with this look on her face, like, "Don't you dare! If you do it again, I'll just have to hold your hands the rest of the day!" It upset me to no end, I think because my personal space was so entirely violated, and also because I just told her how I felt about germs and here I am holding my baby while she rubs her hands all over mine. Then later in the meeting she started sniffling pretty bad, blew her nose 10 times, and then rubbed her hands all over her face. Needless to say, I washed my hands at the first chance after that, and felt pretty relieved that I hadn't let her hold Abigail.

So I know this all sounds pretty snobby, but to be honest, I don't care. I feel so strongly about keeping her safe, and it sucks that I need to have such a blanket rule of no-one holding her because there are people who I wouldn't mind holding her, but I have to keep the rule in place for when the crazies come asking. If for nothing else but my own sanity...because I lose enough sleep at night fearing for Abigail's safety without passing her around to all and sundry. I will never have the ward baby and I'm okay with that. I love my babies, and don't want them passed to everyone.

And yes, I fully realize that I am a hypocrite, for saying that I try to be nice to the person at church, and then call this lady crazy for grabbing my hands and responding randomly to my 'no, you can't hold her' response. I've been thinking about this too, and I'm so on the fence. Sometimes when I think about the experience I get upset all over again ("The audacity of her!") and then other times I try (REALLY, I do!) to give her the benefit of the doubt ("Maybe, if she was a pediatric nurse, she really just misses holding babies? Maybe she was trying to make me feel better about my decision to not pass her around to all and sundry? Maybe she was actually being supportive, as if to say I'm doing the right thing?") Also, the advice that if you don't like someone then you don't know them well enough. I'm working on that too. I guess I need to be careful what it is that I write down and record because that tends to be the feeling that is more cemented in my mind than any other.

So I will say now. She had a sweet smile, obviously thought my baby was so darn cute (because, let's face it, she is!) and has the admirable trait of courage, or at least the lack of fear of confrontations, because she was bold enough to ask me to hold my baby. I do envy her that one. ;)

On a different note, I've remembered that I need to carry extra snacks and hard candies with me wherever I go, because when I get hungry these days it feels like I'm going to puke and/or faint. I know it's because of nursing because I got this with Elijah, but I had forgotten until the last 15 minutes of church where I was starting to seriously doubt my ability to drive home safely.

Ah, Abby is awake and fussing, I've gotta go. I'm going to be taking some photos later so I'll post one of those once I've played around with it in photoshop. :) Oh, and I just re-read my post from yesterday and it occurred to me that I tend to end every post with Abigail fussing. She IS rather fussy when she's not being held (every waking moment...) which is why I wrap up my posts, but I'll try to find a more inspired way of ending my posts from now on. Kapeesh? (and oh my goodness, spellcheck wants to replace the word "kapeesh" with Grapeshot. Someone really needs to come up with a spellcheck that sounds out a word that has simply been typed as it sounds, and then come up with the proper spelling based on that. It'd be great for words like epitome and pneumonia. Also, maybe instead of ending this post with "kapeesh?" I should end it, and maybe ALL posts with, "Grapeshot?" Let's give it a try!)

Grapeshot?

(I like it. ;) )