Today is one of those soup eating, hot chocolate drinking kind of cozy days where I like to curl up with a good book, except today instead of a book I've been re-reading a lot of my old posts from this blog. I started working on making it completely anonymous a while back but stopped at a certain point, then started it back up when I merged a couple blogs this past year. I've also been reading old posts from blogs that I enjoy, and it has really inspired me to do better at this blogging thing, and not just write about difficulties I'm having in my life, but about good and happy things.
My struggle is finding balance, and not just with my blog, but with everything in my life. In blog terms, I'm struggling with finding the balance in writing about infertility woes and insecurities that I have despite having two children, and writing about my life with my two little miracles. Does writing about infertility diminish my life with these two little ones? I'm also struggling, trying to determine how much to write about on a bad day, and how much seems like annoying gushing when I've had a good day.
Part of me wants to make my entire blog private and really just use it as a journal like I try to do anyway, simply because so many of my posts end up needing to be password protected, given how much personal stuff they include or how much I'm afraid I'll offend someone with my brutally honest thoughts. Because I'm NOT perfect, and I DO struggle, but that struggling might be really hurtful or annoying to someone because I have two children.
But see? This brings up a whole other problem of whether or not my blog is completely honest. I want to tell it like it is, good AND bad, but if I'm not publicly writing about my own struggles and stupid thoughts, then is my blog really actually honest and open?
For now, I'm going to try to blog about more than just infertility, pregnancy and my children, although those things are obviously part of my life (and in the case of my two children, they practically ARE my life right now.)
And before I start beating the dead horse and repeating myself, I'm going to change the topic and do a belated TVT, because I forgot to do it yesterday until the evening, and I love the randomness that it TVT.
* hot chocolate made with milk? Deliciousness. Add a peppermint tea bag? Pure perfection.
* I need to give Abigail baths way more than I do, and I feel like a guilty mother. Also, she has baby acne, and I know it's not my fault, but part of me feels like it is. And maybe it really IS my fault, although fault is a strong word. Maybe it's something I'm eating though, like chocolate. Which makes me want to give up chocolate, but then I crave hot chocolate and drink one, and then feel guilty all over again.
* It is mid-November and we still have flies. I'm dying here. Elijah thinks the fly-swatter is the greatest thing ever, though. He hasn't yet realized that I'm killing flies, or at least attempting to, so when he gets ahold of the fly swatter, he walks around hitting random things with a gleeful look on his face. It was cute until he tried to hit me and Abigail with it, which is just plain gross, not to mention not a gentle thing to do (mommy-speak here.)
* I want to move. I try to not vocalize it too often because I don't want to make myself miserable here, but I miss having a house. Sometimes I miss our old house specifically, which I never thought I'd do. It's just hard to think back to how much we had that would have been perfect for our little family if only we'd had our little family sooner, and didn't have to move just when our family started to grow. I miss the backyard, and having a place to put up the Christmas tree, and eaves troughs to hang lights on. I miss living near a park, and I miss our tv being in a different room than the main living area. Seriously, The Wiggles is on all the time, and when it's not I'm still singing the songs. I miss our piano, and having space for Elijah to run around. That's all though. Sometimes I waste free time by looking on MLS for houses in our area. Right now there's one that I want that is SO close to Dave and Farrah, which would be awesome. It even has a pool! Ahhh....... BUT it is over $200,000, and we don't have the monthly income from the business to support us in that house. Or any house, for that matter. The business is doing so well this year that we hope to be able to increase our pay soon, but that's still in the future. In the meantime, I need to get better at NOT spending money, so that we can actually add to our savings and build up a down payment for when the time is right to buy again.
* And just so my "I want a house!" mentality is not what is cemented into my mind, I must remind myself of all the great things about where we live right now. Having Mom and Dad next door is awesome. I love sharing meals with them, going for little visits when Elijah needs a change of scenery, and I love how much Elijah recognizes and loves his Nana and Papa. Also, it's pretty nice being able to go out during Elijah's nap-time, and leave the monitor with Mom, and it's nice being able to borrow their car often.
* I haven't started my Zumba yet, but I DID go for a 2k walk yesterday with Elijah and Abigail, so go me! It started raining by the end of the walk so I even jogged part way, which I probably shouldn't have done, but Elijah was starting to cry because of the cool wind and rain, and I felt bad. I'm not in major pain today, though, and my stitches hurt less than they have this past week, so I think I'm okay. Now if only I could get full clearance to resume ALL aspects of life...haha
* I think I'm going to offer to host Christmas this year for my family. I'm pretty sure Mom would let me use their place for it, and will help me make a turkey. The meal is not my biggest worry, though. What I dread when it comes to hosting my family is how hectic it becomes and how high my anxiety level is by the time they leave. Seriously. They are a rather loud group of people, and it's nice but somewhat stressful being around them when I'm NOT hosting, but when I AM? Oh man. BUT the alternative is to deal with flack about the date of our Christmas celebrations, and if I offer to host then I can pick the date. So here's hoping.
* We're having Abigail blessed in church on Christmas Sunday so that we can do it when Joel and Heidi are here. I'm glad we're doing it then, but it means Rob and Kira can't be there, and who knows what other family members, simply because it's Christmas Sunday.
* I'm making chile for dinner tonight. I have made dinner more times in the past month since having Abigail than I did my entire pregnancy with her. I have no idea why I all of a sudden want to make dinner. I don't like doing it, even now, but I am so motivated to do it, despite having two kids to thwart me instead of just one.
*I am making a hexagon granny square blanket and I am in love with the colours. Blues, greens, and a vibrant yellow, surrounded in white. LOVE. I only have 4 squares made so far, but I'm excited about it.
* my wedding rings don't fit yet. I'm pretty depressed by this fact, as I'm down to the weight that I was pre-pregnancy, so why don't they fit? I seriously need to lose weight. That deserves a post all its own though. I already wrote about it in a password protected post, but maybe I'll write about it publicly too. The gist is that I want to get thin and hot before I get pregnant again.
* Did I really think that I wasn't huge looking when I was 40 weeks pregnant with Abigail? I didn't feel huge, I didn't think I was about to pop, and I kind of wondered at the people who knew that I was due any day, because I didn't feel like I looked that big. Now, though, when I look at those photos? Holy moley! I was huge!
* I have slight pregnancy envy. Isn't that ridiculous? I didn't want to be pregnant anymore by the time I got to the end of Abigail's pregnancy. I'll totally admit it. I was tired and done, and even wrote a post for myself (which is totally STAYING password protected) that I could go back and read whenever I thought that getting pregnant before my time was a good idea. It was so brutally honest about every ache and pain, and I meant for it to make me NOT want to be pregnant, but I can't even read that post and have it work right now, I just miss all the good and exciting things about being pregnant. I am particularly drawn to pregnancy blogs, and I guess part of me lives vicariously through those people, and reminisces about my own pregnancies when I read the posts. I don't know if it's a good idea for me to read them or not though, because it just makes me think about pregnancy more, and part of me thinks that maybe I need to forget that pregnancy even exists, so that I don't want it so much right now (5 weeks after having a baby...I know, I'm insane.)
* I don't think we'll wait until I get my di.aphragm to resume...relations, because I just don't want to wait until 11-12 weeks post-partum. And in the insane mood I'm in in terms of missing pregnancy, I don't currently feel like it'd be the end of the world if something did happen in that period of time and if I did get pregnant again. Am I crazy? Am I really ticking someone off right now? Am I presumptuous beyond reason to think that it's even a possibility? I'm not talking about TRYING to get pregnant again right now, just that I wouldn't cry if I did. Matt might, but I wouldn't. And to be honest, I really don't think it'll happen. Not only am I EBF'ing, but when I was nursing Elijah I had a luteal phase defect until, well, the cycle I got pregnant with Abigail I'm assuming. My LP was only 9 days for a few cycles before I got pregnant, and while I was taking B6 and cutting out night-time feedings to lengthen it, I'm doing no such thing right now, so I really feel like I can't get pregnant even IF my body is ovulating right now.
* I'm looking forward to this week being over. It feels like it's been a little too busy, and for some reason I've hit a wall in terms of what to do during the day to make it more bearable. I'm trying to watch how much time I spend on the computer and Elijah spends in front of the tv. The evenings, though, have all had something planned, and I just want that part done. Except next week Matt has something Tuesday and Thursday already, and I wanted to go to crocheting on Wednesday evening, so it's quickly filling up. I don't like that, when we have things planned that don't involve both of us.
* I would like to find a local mom group of women with babies who get together every week during the morning, so that I can go with Elijah and Abigail. I want some interaction with other women with kids, and I want something regular that I don't necessarily have to plan. I thought about trying to get ladies from my church together regularly, but as it's my idea, I'd have to be the one in charge and planning it, and I'm not looking for that much work and commitment. I just want to go. I also like the idea of meeting new people.
And that's about it for now. I'm going to go get started on the chile while both babies are sleeping.
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