It just occurred to me as I was typing this post that I've been feeling very hormonal and PMS-y. I'm getting irritated SO easily, and I feel this knot of contention in my chest that has no rationality and just isn't going away no matter how hard I try to quell it. I'm glad I realized this, because it actually makes things easier to deal with. Now I just need to say to myself, "My husband doesn't drive me crazy, I'm just hormonal," about 1000 times, and I'll probably be sane again... ;)
So anyway, I told Matt he could go to bed super early if he would give Abigail a bath beforehand, thus getting her awake little self out of my hair for 5 minutes. After that, I would look after her until she was tired enough for bedtime, hopefully eking out some semblance of a coherent post so that I don't miss another day of Nablopomo.
So here's to coherence!
Earlier today I was thinking about weight loss and my goals relative to it. Maybe just maybe if I write it out here where anyone can read it, then I will feel more accountable? Probably not, but it's worth a shot. If it gets me to work out just one day where I would otherwise not have, it'll have benefited me. (as an aside, isn't it weird how "fitted" is spelt with two 't's and "benefited" is only spelt with one?)
So, here's where things stand.
I am 177 lb's, which is up 2# from where I was when I got pregnant with Abigail, and is consequently the most I have ever weighed (uber-pregnant excluded. Really I got up to 203#, but who's counting? Me apparently.)
I wear size 12-14 pants, though not well because my thighs are bigger than my butt, and I have this pudgy mid-section that makes everything cut in and look gross and muffin-top-y.
Now, before I get anyone yelling at me for complaining about my post-pregnancy body, let me just assert that I would not trade a second of this muffintoppiness for the world. A woman is allowed to want to be thin and healthy, though, so I'll agree to not blame, or even attribute my shape and size to pregnancy if you agree to not yell at me and assume that complaining about my body means I'm an undeserving ingrate who isn't worthy to have kids. Because really, let's face it. I was 170 lb's and muffintoppy before I lost weight prior to having Elijah. See?
[caption id="attachment_1273" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Seriously, could I get any pudgier?"]
[/caption][caption id="attachment_1272" align="aligncenter" width="300" caption="Why yes, yes I can."]
[/caption]To give myself credit, I did lose weight...once. I went from 170# to 150# in about 3.5 months, and I felt great. SO proud of myself, and like a million bucks. I wanted to lose more, to get to 140, but I ended up gaining 5# back, plateauing at 155 for around 5 months and then got pregnant with Elijah, so losing weight was definitely on the back burner. It had to be, because, hey, I was PREGNANT (!!) but then after I had Elijah, I gained back up to 170, and then surpassed it, rounding myself off at the aforementioned 175 that I was when I got pregnant with Abigail. Not ideal weight-wise, but Heavenly Father knows what he is about in terms of timing, and I really wouldn't want Him to wait to bless me with children until I lost weight. Unless, of course, I knew that was the case, in which case I'd probably be REALLY motivated to lose weight! Hmm.
And just to make myself feel better, and to remind myself that I really CAN get back to 150-155, here are a couple pictures from when I had lost weight:
[caption id="attachment_1270" align="aligncenter" width="193" caption="I look at this photo and think, "Hmm, maybe I should get a hair cut? I had nice hair back then...""]
[/caption][caption id="attachment_1271" align="aligncenter" width="223" caption="Own the watermelon cutting, girl. OWN IT."]
[/caption]I think one of my main motivations in trying to lose weight is simply to look better in photos. Want to know something sad? I can count on my hands how many photos I have of Elijah and I. And I can only think of 2 photos of Elijah, Matthew and myself. We STILL haven't taken a family photo with Abigail in it. The only reason is that I just don't want to be in photos, and feel like I look so gross. When I lost weight down to 150, I still had bad photos, but I was pleasantly surprised by how many photos I actually looked good in. I looked more like the "me" that I think others see.
Want to know something that drives me crazy? I can't stand it when people look at a photo of me and say it's a good photo, or when Mom tells me that I'm so photogenic. Because in reality, I am NOT, but if she looks at crappy photos of me and thinks they look good, I have to wonder if I always look as terrible as I feel like I do in those photos. And something else that drives me up the wall? When I find a photo of myself that I actually like, and someone says, "Wow, that looks nothing like you..." Gee, thanks. Thanks for telling me I'm not actually pretty, you jerk.
And I just realized how much of my PMS-ing is coming out in this post...hahaha, sorry about that. I'll find it funny tomorrow, so I'm leaving it all, unedited. Holly, unrated. I'm pretty tough stuff, huh? Not...
So back to the whole weight loss thing.
My rings don't fit.
I haven't bought non-maternity clothes in over 2.5 years, so all of my clothes either make me look pregnant or frumpy.
I'm not spending money on new clothes until I lose weight.
I refuse to weigh 175 when I get pregnant next time (unless Heavenly Father works a miracle and I get pregnant in the next 2 months. Although, hopefully I'll get below 175 pretty quickly.)
I want to be the one with the smokin' hot body, that makes pregnant people excited to be able to work out once more, just like I was when I saw those people.
So.
I will work out or go for a 2+ kilometre walk every week day. I will not eat chocolate every day. I will drink 1c. of water every waking hour. I will eat more veggies than carbs in a day. I will publish my progress and not hide behind other posts or "not feeling like blogging..." I WILL have lost 5-10lb's by Christmas.
I'll kick this crap because I CAN. And darnit, I'm going to look good.
2 comments: