Acceptance

So I've pretty much accepted that my body is whacked-out. CD37 here, SERIOUS cramp-age last night, and yet, that blasted cervix just isn't about to give up the ghost any time soon and let me have my period already!

On the upside, I'm getting pretty good at knowing how to read my cervix. For instance, I hereby make a prediction that my period will not come today, nor will it come tomorrow.

No matter, really, because if my OPK's were about to turn positive on CD30, then I'd have O'd around CD31, and am therefore not expecting my period until Saturday or Sunday anyway (luteal phase defect. It's a kicker.)

But hey, who's counting?

I've decided to not waste my last $10 pregnancy test by testing any time before Monday. I'm sure you'll hear from me before then, but still. (...I don't really know how to finish that sentence.)

One thing I have not found acceptance with yet, however, is what on earth we should do month-to-month.

This trying business is tiring me out, and it's so confusing. It kills me to think that, because I'm still nursing, it's possible that I can't even GET pregnant right now, and I'm just burning out for no reason.

See, I started taking OPK's a few months back, and found (2 cycles in a row, anyway) that I got a positive OPK on CD22, and then got my period 10 days later, so roughly 9 days after ovulating.

At that rate I can't get pregnant, so I should just call it quits until I'm done nursing, right?

But no!

I tried taking B6 one cycle, and my hopes were up, that it'd be the change needed.

No luck.

And then I stopped nursing through the night! Surely THAT would be a significant enough decrease for my body to lengthen out that luteal phase.

No luck.

It feels like each cycle I come up with a fix-it solution that never works in the end.

Maybe the fix-it solution that I need to come to terms with is, quite simply, giving up.

Not for good, but at least for now.

I think this would be good for me, but I'm finding it takes a lot more strength to do than I had originally thought. Because it's not simply giving up, it's giving over my will to Heavenly Father. It's trusting that there is a reason for all this stress, this frustration, this non-pregnant-ness, and trusting that all things will work together for good in the end.

It's so hard though. SO hard. Because I'm a control freak, and like to be doing something! Ever since we started trying 5 1/2 years ago, I've been a doer. For example, here's our TTC timeline (which I may or may not post on my sidebar, so I'm sorry if this seems repetitive at any time!

We tried for the first year. A lot. Half-way through that first year, I learned about the Justisse method of family planning, which simply was learning how to check my cervical position and checking my cervical mucous. (Holly takes control! Take that randomness!)

The moment our year was up (I actually tried getting them to take a look at us before the year was up, but no luck!) we went to our family doctor. Preliminary tests indicated something very wrong, we were going to need the fertility clinic.

I called right away for an appointment. Umm, same day I think.

While waiting for our appointment (a 2-month wait) I looked into international adoption. We attended seminars, contacted case-workers to do our homestudy, and were referred to some optional (now mandatory) training (the P.R.I.D.E. training.)

We decided to adopt internationally.

We changed our minds, and then found out a week later that the country we were going to adopt from closed their program unexpectedly.

We started fertility testing.

A week later we met with an adoption worker to take the PRIDE training anyway, and adopt locally through our children's aid society, assuming that we'd call it off as soon as I got pregnant anyway.

8 months of fertility treatments, a failed IVF and lots of heartache later, we got the call to start the training which we had been on a waiting list for.

PRIDE training at the same time as the homestudy.

Homestudy approved!

Begin the 1 1/2 year wait to adopt. This was such a frustrating time! It was the only throughout the whole thing where all I could do was just SIT there. And it Drove. Me. Crazy.

Then I found out I was pregnant!

And all of this unfolded in a 4-year time frame, with us moving as fast as we possibly could, and here we are.

So, (VERY) long story short, giving up and turning my will over to Heavenly Father is hard. (sorry for the ramble.)

Anyway, I've had a long day of packing (we move one month today!) and I still have more to do, so I'm going to finish this up now. (How's that for eloquence? ;)