Of course

So lately I've been worried about the next time we'll have a showing on the house, mostly because it's been a while since we've given it a good clean. It's been tidy (sort of...) on and off, but not clean in probably a month.

I  mentioned this a little bit in my last post, about how the house was giving me stress that I'd rather not have, because I didn't know when our next showing would be.

I've been thinking about it so much that I've been dreaming about it.

Example - I woke up this morning having had a dream that I lived in a completely different but much messier house, and we had a surprise showing and only had time to put junk and other stuff away, but no time to actually clean the place, so it hadn't been swept, the bathrooms were dirty, etc.

It turns out that I should have taken the warning and started cleaning this morning.

I was out with Elijah this evening, but when I got home at 6pm there was a message on the phone from my real estate agent.

Could we do a showing for tomorrow between 12 and 1pm?

Of course.

Excuse me now, while I go to a sound-proof room and scream hysterically at the top of my lungs.

Are you kidding me?! Of all nights, it has to be the night where Matt is out and won't be home until 11.

And did I mention that he works tomorrow morning from 10-1?

So I've basically condensed weeks of cleaning into one night and one morning with a baby to boot.

I know, I know, it's my own fault for not maintaining the house. I agree. The problem is, whenever I have free time in the day, it takes about everything I have to not take a nap or eat chocolate. If I'm feeling good, I read a book. If I'm feeling better then I cross-stitch. If I'm feeling generous, I fold a load of laundry for Matt.

Anyway, once I put Elijah down to bed I sat around for an hour, until 8:30 or so, and relaxed reading blogs (my guilty pleasure!)

I considered many times just stopping and getting started on the housework I had to do, but for some reason I was feeling rebellious, like, "NO, you can't make me clean! I'll do what I want to do!"

Then it occurred to me that maybe this was a test. Not necessarily a one-time deal test, but a test nonetheless. I think Heavenly Father needs to know that I can do things even when I don't want to. It's a good skill to have, and one I am terrible at, but I think with this whole depression and motherhood thing, it's going to be essential for me. I need to train myself, even when I'm feeling my worst, to rally, and push forward even when every bone in my body is objecting, and it feels like there is a physical force pinning me to my couch.

I will rally.

I know it won't be the last time I'll be tested like this, but seriously, it's going to make my life what I want it to be, I can feel it.

Because how on earth could I be the mother of TWO children someday, let alone even more (should we be so incredibly blessed!) if I don't have the strength to get off my sorry butt and clean the house? Or read my scriptures? Or get dressed for the day? Or drive to the grocery store?

I have to stop not doing things simply because I don't feel like it. Maybe before Elijah came along, I could get away with that, but not now. He's counting on me, and that's huge. I love that little man so much, and I want to be good for him, and reliable.

Anyway, it's SO late and we have to be up SO early to finish cleaning the kitchen, vacuum, sweep, clean the bathrooms, and fold laundry.Still a fair bit left, despite my hard work this evening. But you know what?

We'll rally.