Mixed Signals

My body is totally sending me mixed signals right now, and I'm trying my hardest to not go nuts.

Today is CD34, and still nothing, which isn't too odd, because my cycles since Elijah have ranged from 30-38 days long. But still. Most of them have been 30 or 31 days, so any time it passes then, well of course I get my hopes up.

And then there's my blasted cervical position. What is going ON with it?! Yesterday and today, EWCM, with an increasingly high, though firm and closed cervix. Random cramping to boot.

Curse that blasted hope.

I apologize for griping about this so much, I'm just...thinking a lot about it, I guess. It helps me to write it out, almost like it's being removed from my head at the same time. Almost!

I really don't know what to think. Was my body getting ready to ovulate around CD29-30? If I HAD have gone out and spent another $35 on more OPK's, would I have seen a surge on the 30th? Is my body getting ready to ovulate now?

I tested again on CD32, but nadda. I've wanted to test every day since, but at the same time have really strongly NOT wanted to test, for fear that the hope that is building inside of me will crumble, and I'll be left repeatedly checking a negative test for some hint of a line, and waiting for days on end to come for a period that just won't show its ugly face.

So for now, I hope.

Hope is such a good, beautiful thing, but it's dangerous too. Hope leads me to do silly things, like calculate due dates, and milestones, and estimates of when I'll tell people.

In case you can't tell, I'm a go-big-or-go-home sort of person. If I'm interested in something, my mind hooks on to it, is completely absorbed by it. Sooo when I hope, it's all or nothing with me. I have no self control to tell mind to just "Not go there." I mean, I even think of names, for Pete's sake!

I have so little patience, it's really quite laughable at times!

But in other news...

We had our home inspection yesterday for selling our house, and afterwards the couple counter-offered a price $1500 less than what we agreed to, stating the the home inspector saw two windows that needed to be replaced immediately. I don't agree with the immediately part (we're doing fine without having done them!) but they do need doing soon, and $1500 is really not an unreasonable amount to be talked down after a home inspection. We agreed to it without any fuss, mostly because we just want to sell the house and move on.

So we're still waiting to make sure they sign everything off by Tuesday evening and then it's final and official! I'm celebrating now as if it's final and official, but by that point I'll have the go-ahead, so Matt will be on board with celebrating too! AND then I can start packing!

Is it really silly that I'm excited to pack?

I've already started some things, mostly cupboards and closets that don't make the house look too packed up yet. As Matt says, just in case the house doesn't sell right now.

I called him a pessimist.

He said he's just a realist.

I don't see the difference.

Okay, so here's something REALLY silly. I'm considering (pretty strongly) getting a second/subsequent degree at my university.

Isn't that ridiculous? Not the education, the whole, going to school again thing, starting at point zero.

Wasn't it just the other day I said how fat, old, unstylish and out-of-place I felt, taking my last university course of this undergrad degree?

It absolutely was.

I can't really explain it, even to myself. I just...like learning. I like knowing I'm doing something with myself, expanding my mind, gaining credentials. It's something I want to pass on to my children. Not the credentials, just, the ability and tendency to learn, to expand, to grow your mind, to be productive and busy.

Also, a part of me feels like it'd be different if I went into this degree knowing full well that I'm only EVER going to be part time, and that I'm NOT a peer to my classmates. I just need to embrace that role, the whole, mature student thing. There were always a few in my classes, it's not terribly uncommon. I just never realized until this past week that I had become that person. My mindset was still all...peer-ish.

Anyway, the degree I'm finishing right now is a BA (pass) in Applied Linguistics. Technically it's a humanities class, and I think I want to get into something completely unrelated. I considered French, but I'm just not interested enough in it. I'm leaning more towards a Math or Science-related one, probably Kinesiology.

The great thing is that I only need to complete the specific course requirements, which are only about 12 out of 20 credits. Score! So really, it's not even 3 years of schooling that I need to get this degree, and how cool would it be to have it?

So I'm rambling now about things that are probably boring to everyone but me. Sorry for being That Blog today. I'm just going to finish this up now before I say anything else that's boring!