Something IF is trying to steal from me

Infertility. Ohhhhh how many things I could say about IF. I have many beefs with it, but I don't have time to write them all out.

My current beef is this.

I have become a pee-on-a-stick (POAS) addict. Before Elijah came along I didn't know cheap ovulation tests (OPK's) existed, or cheap pregnancy tests for that matter. I sunk a lot of money into pregnancy tests, and had to deal with SO many negatives before finally seeing a positive.

But I DID see a positive.

I feel assured that I will get pregnant again. I know it'll happen.

The only question is "when."

We weren't "trying" per se when I got pregnant with Elijah, which is to say that I knew what day of my cycle I was on, and probably tried to make sure we gave it our best shot around That Time, but beyond that we weren't even thinking about it. No OPK's, no cervical checks, no constant obsessing over the quality of my discharge. None of it.

And you know what? It was nice.

But I think I was only in such an accepting state then because we were planning on and waiting to adopt.

When my period came back and really started becoming regular in May (okay, so I thought it came back in March, but it took a 2.5 month hiatus after that...) I have been hyper-aware of, well, everything.

See, we were in a state of not trying, but not preventing. Mostly because, after 4 years of infertility, the idea of using birth control of any form seems ludicrous, so if I happened to get pregnant before we wanted to start trying, we would probably celebrate and not cry about it.

So I happened to start actively monitoring my cycle. For curiousity's sake, you know? So that when we WERE trying, I'd have some Knowledge. The good kind. Like, "I always ovulate on day 21" or some such other nonsense.

Oh, for Pete's sake, I was trying. I wanted the surprise pregnancy when Elijah was still a baby. I wanted the miracle story of this girl who was infertile, going to adopt, got pregnant after 4 years, and then (AND THEN!) got pregnant when her baby was only a baby still. I wanted that. I still do!

So I put a lot of thought into each cycle. Each day became long. Like, "What? I'm only on day 24? Well, if I ovulated normally then I might test positive now!" or, "ouch, what was that random twinge in my abdomen? Implantation cramps? I do feel a little sick to my stomach right now..."

Seriously obsessive people.

And it hasn't really improved.

This cycle, which was my effort to refrain from obsessing cycle because I was going to run out of OPK's pretty quickly anyway has become just like any other. Except I've dropped $70 in non-internet-cheapy OPK's.

I admit it. I spent $5.50 on one single OPK, rather than the 50 cents I normally get them for.

Why?

Because I didn't see my surge by the CD22! I thought, "I need to know if it's not always on time!!" so I bought a box. And used one in the morning, and no surge. Then thought, "What if I miss the surge because I tested too early?" and in that vain, went through a box of 7 in 3 days.

Addict.

I hate it!! I didn't experience this with Elijah, I didn't have to.

Why do I feel like the only way for me to get pregnant now is to pee on a butt-load of sticks and have them tell me when the best time to get pregnant is?

Why do I have to be hyper-aware?

Why do I have to think that just because it's CD27 I might test positive right now, even though my cycles are usually 32-36 days long?
Ugh.

I blame hope, I'll have you know! (kidding of course. Hope is a beautiful thing.)

See, I discovered that, at least while nursing, I probably have a luteal phase defect, where my period comes to early for a pregnancy to take off, or too early for an embryo to even implant. Typically it was 9 days long (while using OPK's) and it needs to be 10-17, preferably 12-15.

But then I weaned Elijah off of night-time feedings, and I hoped like crazy that cutting back that small amount with nursing would make a big enough difference for my body to get back on baby-making track and that I would find myself pregnant this month.

No such luck so far, although I'm admittedly not out yet.

Anyway, this ramble is getting long, and I've already exposed myself for the obsessive addict that I am, so there's not much more to say, is there?

So I'm going to go upstairs to get ready for church, and I will take my first pee of the day, and probably pee on my last HPT to see if, by some miracle, I'm pregnant.

Because I'm weak like that.