Just before I put Elijah down to bed for his nap, I was standing in the bathroom brushing my teeth (yes, at 1pm. I have a 4.5 week-old baby, don't make fun.)
When I looked out of the door to check on my two babies I had this feeling of completeness wash over me. I don't know whether it was seeing the two of them together, or the fact that Elijah was wearing blue and Abigail was wearing pink, or maybe it was the lamp being on that made the scene look so idyllic, but something about it really impressed me with the feeling of completeness.
Now, I should clarify what I mean by "completeness" though. I do not feel that we are done having children, we hope to have 2 more after Abigail (or more, if we can manage it!) and I don't feel that the feeling I had was any indicator from my own mind or from Heavenly Father that our family is done at 2. There would be nothing wrong with that if we WERE done after having 2 children, but I don't feel that this is the case.
No, when I use the word "completeness," I mean more along the lines of, "Ah, now we are a family..." I feel like I caught a glimpse of what out little family might look like to an outsider, especially one who assumes we're done having children. All of a sudden, I could see why someone would stop after having two children, and part of me could see why so many people were telling me before I had Abigail just how perfect it was that we have a boy and a girl, and would go on to assume that we were only going to have two anyway, so I "get one of each."
And I am fully aware that Matt and I constituted a family when it was just the two of us, and that Matthew, Elijah and I definitely constituted a family when it was just the three of us. The thing is, even though I could look at other people with only one child and recognize that they were a family, I didn't really feel the same way about myself. Perhaps it's because Elijah is still rather young, and so we haven't started doing those family-oriented things that we envision doing with our children, but whatever the reason, I never felt until today that our family could stop where it was and that we'd be complete. We just felt...less than a family to me.
And I'm REALLY sorry for anyone reading this who might think that I'm calling them less than a family if they don't have two children. Please understand that I felt this lack of completeness after having Abigail too, and that this feeling is new to me as of 30 minutes ago. It has nothing to do with loving Abigail more or less than Elijah, and it has nothing to do with other families having one child or no children. As I already said, I could recognize that those people were families, I just couldn't apply that term to myself.
I think, though, that this feeling must come to everyone at some point. The whole, "My family is a rockin' awesome family. Look at how amazing we are!" If it doesn't, if the "complete" feeling never comes, then how sad for that family or individual!
I'm doing a really terrible job trying to explain a feeling, which in and of itself is a difficult task to undertake. I mean, describe "happy" to me, tell me in detail what "happy" feels like, what thoughts go through your mind, and how you can be happy now and yet know that you'll be even happier someday. Does being happy some day in the future make you less happy now? No, and neither does this feeling of completeness. I feel complete now, and I know I will feel complete in the future when we've had even more children, but until then, I feel full to the brim and complete. We are a family, Matthew, Elijah, Abigail and I, and come what may, we always will be.
1 comment: